Back down the Hole

4/21/15 -- Well, I made a slide back down the hole - of not wanting to live any more.  I just couldn't and still am having a very difficult time dealing with the headache pain and the emotional pain that I am dealing with.  I met with my Counsellor, last Tuesday, and admitted to him that walking thru fire was more appealing to me, right now/over the last couple of weeks than dealing with the pain both physical and emotional, right now.  Then, of course the next question he asks is, "how often, in the last two weeks, have I thought about suicide?" To which I thought about it and answered, once or twice-as recently as Saturday.  Seriously thought about driving up to the ER and just saying that I couldn't hand the physical and emotional pain any more.  I didn't because someone needed me and I had two appointments coming up that I was very much hoping help. The first one was the neurologist for this headache and the second was the Counsellor.  That weekend tho, I was taking close to the max dose of the Topamax to get a control of the headache which really didn't help much on Saturday, but Sunday I felt ok.
       However, this inability to focus and remember stuff is crazy! I feel like I am drowning or something because I just can't handle the two different kinds of pain at the same time. To top everything all off, I am waking up an hour before my alarm goes off and unable to get back to sleep which then means that I am tired for the rest of the day.
     I go to see the Neurologist-who is a younger man than I and explain to him the entire situation, making sure I don't forget anything.  He asks questions, looks at the MRI-looks deeply into my eyes with a little bright light and checks all my reflexes and all are normal.  So, then he asks if I can pinpoint a specific place where the headache starts and I told him that I could, so then I showed him.  He explained that there is a nerve there that goes down into the neck along the spinal column and sometimes it and become inflamed.  He suggested a couple of conservative approaches to which I responded with; I think that I am beyond the 'conservative' approach.  So, then he suggested trying prednisone because it is a burst of an anti-inflammatory to see if that calms the nerve down.  The Neurologist also suggested another slightly more invasive approach; which is a 'cortisone' type injection directly to the nerve to calm it down-hopefully this will be a longer term solution and 'put this fire out' as he has stated and eventually my entire head will stop hurting and I will have relief.  This procedure can be done in his office and he is willing to get me in early in the morning or over his lunch hour.  This kinda scares me but the pain-length of time and severity out weighs my fear.  I am sick and tired of the pain and of being tired because of the pain.