5/16/19 -- Today was a, no work, day. I am definitely bummed because I didn't have to go to work at the printing co. that I have been working for, on a temp. basis. The department that I am working in, is the mailroom, and is solely based on the amount of work that need to be done. So, essentially I have been on a daily basis. I wait to receive a text, from the boss, as to whether I should come in or not. Here lately, I have been working Mon. - Wed. for sure then Thurs., and Friday are the iffy days. Last week I worked on Thursday but not Friday. I do like work simply because it, sort of, keeps my mind off things that bother me.
I did reach out to my Pastor friends, last week, and he told me on Sunday, that sometime, this week. Well, so far, nothing has materialized. He did tell me that He was definitely book thru Tuesday, when I asked him about Wed and the rest of the week. He finally got back to me about today, and told that he ended up getting booked up on Wednesday, and that he would get back to me today, as far as, today and even tomorrow. I have been really struggling with stuff to the point of the potential going back to that super dark place.
Mom is the one who mentioned that I am stuck....I am stuck and I feel that if something doesn't change there is the potential for me to go back to that really dark place. I really need and want to talk. I don't want to go back to that place and I am really hoping that he will have a solution or insight.
Thursday, May 16, 2019
Friday, May 10, 2019
No Work
5/10/19 -- Well, I didn't have to work today. I worked all week, but today not so much. I have only babysat one day due to the crazy rainy weather that we've had most of this week. Now today, I don't know for sure if I have to babysit because the Grandma does in home care, and she was called to come in yesterday, but wasn't sure about today. I haven't heard from her, as of yet.
I am going to make the eclairs that I want to make for my mom. I have to go to the grocery store to pick up milk, cream, and something else. I am planning on going to see my mom, tomorrow so that I can go to church, on Sunday. Plus I am going to treat myself to a decent place to eat. Someplace like Laughing Trout, or Vinces or possibly even The Sand Burr, depending on if I go to the Lovelaces, or not.
It would be super nice if I actually heard from my son, however, I am not holding my breath, which is pretty sad.
Sad because I haven't really heard from my son, on his own, for quite a long time. I really miss him, my dad, my sister, and my granddaughters.
I am going to make the eclairs that I want to make for my mom. I have to go to the grocery store to pick up milk, cream, and something else. I am planning on going to see my mom, tomorrow so that I can go to church, on Sunday. Plus I am going to treat myself to a decent place to eat. Someplace like Laughing Trout, or Vinces or possibly even The Sand Burr, depending on if I go to the Lovelaces, or not.
It would be super nice if I actually heard from my son, however, I am not holding my breath, which is pretty sad.
Sad because I haven't really heard from my son, on his own, for quite a long time. I really miss him, my dad, my sister, and my granddaughters.
Thursday, May 9, 2019
Post Visitation
5/9/19 -- I have to admit that I am still having issues with the death of this teenager. This death is just is piled on top of the other deaths that have occurred in my family. I get that this teenager wasn't in my family but I knew this young man and I know his family, and with all that I have dealt with working thru my temptation of suicide, has hit me the hardest. I can also say that I don't quite understand why this has affected me like it has but now what do I do about it?
I sent an email to my Pastor and long time friend, letting him know where I am at and what I have been feeling. He actually called me on Tuesday night, late, after I had fallen asleep. He wanted to make sure that I was ok, that I wasn't back to where I was. He remembers because I went to him and the senior Pastor of the church that I was attending at the time. My friend and Pastor was the associate Pastor at the time. Anyway, he just wanted to be sure that if I was in need, that I would call my psychiatrist. It meant a lot to have him call me like that, even though that wasn't my intent, when I sent that email.
I feel like I am in a desperate place, though. I just had to send that email, along with the second one. I do feel like I am in a place that I don't like but I don't know how to get out of it, at least not on my own. He hasn't responded to my email, but then again, I don't know that I should expect a response right away. Anyway, I reached out. I know that I will see him and his family on Sunday, church.
I am planning on taking some homemade eclairs to my mom for Mother's Day, on Saturday. I want to go to church on Sunday and possibly stay someone's house for a couple hours before coming home. Otherwise I will more than likely stop at a restaurant, that is just outside of a small town that I drive thru every Sunday. I was told this Restaurant is pretty good and decently priced. I have heard that they have pretty good food too. I am not expecting anything from my own son, which is pretty sad, but it's the way it is.
I sent an email to my Pastor and long time friend, letting him know where I am at and what I have been feeling. He actually called me on Tuesday night, late, after I had fallen asleep. He wanted to make sure that I was ok, that I wasn't back to where I was. He remembers because I went to him and the senior Pastor of the church that I was attending at the time. My friend and Pastor was the associate Pastor at the time. Anyway, he just wanted to be sure that if I was in need, that I would call my psychiatrist. It meant a lot to have him call me like that, even though that wasn't my intent, when I sent that email.
I feel like I am in a desperate place, though. I just had to send that email, along with the second one. I do feel like I am in a place that I don't like but I don't know how to get out of it, at least not on my own. He hasn't responded to my email, but then again, I don't know that I should expect a response right away. Anyway, I reached out. I know that I will see him and his family on Sunday, church.
I am planning on taking some homemade eclairs to my mom for Mother's Day, on Saturday. I want to go to church on Sunday and possibly stay someone's house for a couple hours before coming home. Otherwise I will more than likely stop at a restaurant, that is just outside of a small town that I drive thru every Sunday. I was told this Restaurant is pretty good and decently priced. I have heard that they have pretty good food too. I am not expecting anything from my own son, which is pretty sad, but it's the way it is.
Saturday, May 4, 2019
Visitation
5/4/19 -- So, yesterday was the visitation and funeral for the young man who is a son of a friend of mine, also is one of a pair of twins. I saw so many people that I haven't seen in quite a long time, which is ok, I guess. Of course, I expected that would happen because I haven't been to that church in such a long time. I even saw the pastor of the church, and updated him on the stuff between my son and I. He was glad to hear about the slow "thawing" between us. Yet, I have to be patient, because as per usual, I can't force that young man to do anything.
Anyway, I only stayed for the visitation, I just couldn't bring myself to stay for the funeral. For some reason, it just felt like it was too soon, after all the funerals that I had been to since my sister past away. There was another funeral or visitation that I should have gone to but I didn't because of work and I was just apprehensive about going.
I did spend a couple of hours with my friends mom because she is lonely because the other grandma passed away about 2 weeks ago, and she was living in the same household. I don't mind keeping someone company, let her talk and gets me out of my apt. Then the rest of the day, my mind just wasn't with it, at all. I stopped at a store to pick something specific up, and walked out without that specific thing, but with other stuff. Weird huh? I ended up having to go back and pick that thing up along with a couple other things.
I have been emailing with a man that has been quite encouraging to me, I let my psychiatrist know what I have been feeling and been goin on. She suggested increasing my citalopram but what I want is really to talk to someone.
Evidently, my former counselor's new job prospect, fell thru, so she is back but apparently her position has been reconfigured. She is going to see me, but they ultimately wants me in a counseling group and something about my skills would be helpful. Not sure what they mean by that.
Anyway, I only stayed for the visitation, I just couldn't bring myself to stay for the funeral. For some reason, it just felt like it was too soon, after all the funerals that I had been to since my sister past away. There was another funeral or visitation that I should have gone to but I didn't because of work and I was just apprehensive about going.
I did spend a couple of hours with my friends mom because she is lonely because the other grandma passed away about 2 weeks ago, and she was living in the same household. I don't mind keeping someone company, let her talk and gets me out of my apt. Then the rest of the day, my mind just wasn't with it, at all. I stopped at a store to pick something specific up, and walked out without that specific thing, but with other stuff. Weird huh? I ended up having to go back and pick that thing up along with a couple other things.
I have been emailing with a man that has been quite encouraging to me, I let my psychiatrist know what I have been feeling and been goin on. She suggested increasing my citalopram but what I want is really to talk to someone.
Evidently, my former counselor's new job prospect, fell thru, so she is back but apparently her position has been reconfigured. She is going to see me, but they ultimately wants me in a counseling group and something about my skills would be helpful. Not sure what they mean by that.
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