4/23/16 -- You know this last, almost, 2 years has been quite a journey for me. I am almost 50 (got a couple years before I reach that) and I never, ever thought that I would be fighting to get away from depression and stay away from it. This battle has been such an emotional rollercoaster and I gotta tell you I hate it! I am not the emotional type but this season of my life has been extremely emotional and I don't like one bit! So, over the last couple of months I have been avoiding going to the place, that causes me such emotional upheaval. I do know that avoiding something is not the best thing because avoidance pretty much means that it isn't being dealt with or confronted. My new Counselor wants me to deal with the emotional issues which I know that I do need to. Thankfully, I am seeing this Counselor because I know that I can't deal with our overcome this all by myself.
This journey has taught me a lot about myself. I do have a problem with accepting the encouragement that other give me. Ever since I started seeing a Counselor, I have really been trying to accept the encouragement that he gives me along doing my best to follow his instructions or doing the homework that was given. I really do have to say that I am really thankful that I have a Male Counselor because he has a perspective that is way different than any woman that I have as a friend. I do believe that it's because God created them definitely less emotional than we have been created.
Also, he hasn't been afraid to tell me the truth but there is a gentleness about the way they do it.
I want to encourage you and anyone you know that if you are in a dark place get help and don't be afraid to talk about what you are dealing with. Yes, sometimes medication is necessary but hopefully the Psychiatrist will include counseling with the medication. The counseling is so beneficial especially when you get paired with a Counselor that you just "click" with, like I did. Please, Please don't ignore the signs of friends who are just crying out for help. Please don't misunderstand the signs they are displaying, don't let anyone in your life commit suicide. Suicide just isn't the way out because the people that are left behind are wondering why. If you are in that place where suicide looks like the best out, please be afraid of what you are thinking and seek out help from your regular doctor who should guide you to the "behavioral health" department of whatever clinic/hospital that you have in your city or town. Also, please, please trust a close friend and talk to them about whatever is going on and maybe they can get you the help, if there isn't a hospital/clinic that you trust than a suicide hotline - the person on the other end of the line will be able to get you the help you need and talk with you and hopefully be able to talk you out of committing suicide. Trust me you really don't want to die, when it comes down to it death isn't what you want, you need help to get out of the dark place and there is help out there. I will not say that it is easy because it isn't, this has been a very difficult road/journey but I am thankful that I am still here. If I had died I would have left my mom to deal with dad on her own because my sister isn't much help at all. She is self-centered right now. Also, I would miss my grandchildren, watching them grow up even tho it is via picture, only right now. I will not say that is easy to see, knowing that I can't hold them and hold them.
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Friday, April 22, 2016
Life Continuing
4/21/16 -- So, I think that the last thing that I had mentioned was an injection series that I had, now almost a month ago, I think.
I haven't had a serious flareup since that 360 nerve block. I can't even begin to tell you just what it feels like to have ZERO headache. Now, I haven't not stopped taking the daily medication yet because I am supposed to see my Neurologist for a follow up, yet. However, I have decreased the amount of the medication that I was taking back to the original dose that she prescribed back in August of last year. I am also doing physical therapy wanted the the doctor who did the nerve block. She also wants me to take magnesium which is said to help to manage headaches. So, after waiting a couple of weeks, I am finally taking the magnesium, I had to wait for my mom to get it thru her naturopath chiropractor. I can take that according to how my headache is doing and how my body responds to the dosage.
On to the new Counselor that I have been seeing - Yes it is a man because I find it easier to talk to a man. One of the reasons is because I have too many women in my life and not enough men that are speaking into my life. The bad thing is that he is only going to be there til October. He also promised to set me up with his supervisor, which is the original person I was to see except I couldn't get in til May, a month or two before he leaves so that hopefully I won't have to wait 2 months to see her.
The issue we are contending with, right now, (my Counselor and I) is the fact that I can't go to my local church because of the bad memories. You see there were a number Sundays that my son and I had confrontations, of the not so good kind. I cannot explain why, I just can't. Yet, my Counselor wants me to try - trying - for instance; drive into the driveway - if I can't go any farther then drive back out; the next Sunday, maybe go to the door - if I can't go any farther the turn around an leave; the next Sunday open the door and look inside - if I can't go any further then leave and on and on one step further each time til I am all the way in.
Oh, and another thing is this thing of moving on with my life and not "shutting the door" on my son like he has done to me. My Counselor suggested that I look at as "leaving the door open a crack"; which I hadn't thought of and have no idea what that looks like or how to do it. That just means that we will be working thru it together.
I am just amazed that I am still dealing with this. This has been such a long journey for me, I never expected it to be so long. Yet, there are things that I just haven't dealt with or faced because I just don't want to yet I know that I just can't continue to avoid the emotional things either.
I haven't had a serious flareup since that 360 nerve block. I can't even begin to tell you just what it feels like to have ZERO headache. Now, I haven't not stopped taking the daily medication yet because I am supposed to see my Neurologist for a follow up, yet. However, I have decreased the amount of the medication that I was taking back to the original dose that she prescribed back in August of last year. I am also doing physical therapy wanted the the doctor who did the nerve block. She also wants me to take magnesium which is said to help to manage headaches. So, after waiting a couple of weeks, I am finally taking the magnesium, I had to wait for my mom to get it thru her naturopath chiropractor. I can take that according to how my headache is doing and how my body responds to the dosage.
On to the new Counselor that I have been seeing - Yes it is a man because I find it easier to talk to a man. One of the reasons is because I have too many women in my life and not enough men that are speaking into my life. The bad thing is that he is only going to be there til October. He also promised to set me up with his supervisor, which is the original person I was to see except I couldn't get in til May, a month or two before he leaves so that hopefully I won't have to wait 2 months to see her.
The issue we are contending with, right now, (my Counselor and I) is the fact that I can't go to my local church because of the bad memories. You see there were a number Sundays that my son and I had confrontations, of the not so good kind. I cannot explain why, I just can't. Yet, my Counselor wants me to try - trying - for instance; drive into the driveway - if I can't go any farther then drive back out; the next Sunday, maybe go to the door - if I can't go any farther the turn around an leave; the next Sunday open the door and look inside - if I can't go any further then leave and on and on one step further each time til I am all the way in.
Oh, and another thing is this thing of moving on with my life and not "shutting the door" on my son like he has done to me. My Counselor suggested that I look at as "leaving the door open a crack"; which I hadn't thought of and have no idea what that looks like or how to do it. That just means that we will be working thru it together.
I am just amazed that I am still dealing with this. This has been such a long journey for me, I never expected it to be so long. Yet, there are things that I just haven't dealt with or faced because I just don't want to yet I know that I just can't continue to avoid the emotional things either.
Friday, April 8, 2016
Life is Interesting.....
4/8/16 -- This life is so very interesting, for me, as well as, I am sure all of you out there.
So, I had be texted a cell number for a cleaning job. I contacted back concerning the day which was initially to be this morning, but because I usually work til noon or a little beyond.
Yesterday, just as I was leaving work I was informed that I wouldn't have to come in because my boss has the day off. The cleaning job is set for Saturday, afternoon and the woman couldn't get off of you her job to come up today to show me the house and get me started.
I will be cleaning the house tomorrow. The house is located out by my friends Mr. & Mrs. R&L W so I do know where it's at, with exception to the specific address.
Earlier this week my left ear started bothering me in a seriously painful way, after I itched it with my little finger. By the time I got home it was beyond my being able to tolerating it. Amazingly enough I was able to call the clinic, get referred to the Ear, Nose, and Throat department, because my regular doctor was out of the office for the week, and no one else was available. Plus I didn't think I could stand the pain til the next day. The E.N.T Doctor had an opening for exactly a half an hour later, so I quick changed and went up there. As it turned out there was some "gunk" in my ear that was sitting right on my ear drum which was causing the major pain. He took it out and I could feel a difference, right after. However, my ear still felt strange and hurting but better. Then I told me that if I had a rough night that all I had to do was call him and he would call down a prescription for an anti-biotic. My ear was better on Wednesday but by yesterday it was getting worse, again. So, I called his office to let him know what was going on and to make sure that it was normal or not. A nurse in the office, called me back stating that the Dr. had called a script down to the pharmacy for an anti-biotic. I guess that means there is or could be an infection in there. While I was there I picked up some Advil to get a handle on the pain for my ear, given that nothing else was working. Now, my ear is feeling better. Who'd a thunk that one dose of the Amoxicillin and Advil would make such a difference. I do however, have to take the Amoxicillin for ten days, to make sure that the infection is gone.
I did go to see the "new guy on the block" in behavioral health and I do like him. He seems to have a pretty decent "bedside manner" and want to push me like my one and only other Counselor did. We are going to pick up where we left off, I had just started tell my first Counselor, about the anxiety with going to church on Sundays, so that is where we are going to continue with. I have some more appointments with him.
I started my Physical Therapy with "J" at the clinic - I almost completely forgot about it. I had it scheduled for 7am right before going to work. However, because I didn't have to work I almost "spaced" the PT appt.
I have to say that I feel like I am getting the "shaft" by my boss. I do have to find another job but I feel like he isn't going to give a chance to do that before I am given no choice. I have begun the search but nothing is going to "materialize" in an instant. I tell you what, there is just too much going on that I am so very glad that I have a Counselor that I can talk to and get some help from now instead of waiting til next month, or calling "T" the Departmental Coach/Boss; not too sure that I could survive that long.
So, I had be texted a cell number for a cleaning job. I contacted back concerning the day which was initially to be this morning, but because I usually work til noon or a little beyond.
Yesterday, just as I was leaving work I was informed that I wouldn't have to come in because my boss has the day off. The cleaning job is set for Saturday, afternoon and the woman couldn't get off of you her job to come up today to show me the house and get me started.
I will be cleaning the house tomorrow. The house is located out by my friends Mr. & Mrs. R&L W so I do know where it's at, with exception to the specific address.
Earlier this week my left ear started bothering me in a seriously painful way, after I itched it with my little finger. By the time I got home it was beyond my being able to tolerating it. Amazingly enough I was able to call the clinic, get referred to the Ear, Nose, and Throat department, because my regular doctor was out of the office for the week, and no one else was available. Plus I didn't think I could stand the pain til the next day. The E.N.T Doctor had an opening for exactly a half an hour later, so I quick changed and went up there. As it turned out there was some "gunk" in my ear that was sitting right on my ear drum which was causing the major pain. He took it out and I could feel a difference, right after. However, my ear still felt strange and hurting but better. Then I told me that if I had a rough night that all I had to do was call him and he would call down a prescription for an anti-biotic. My ear was better on Wednesday but by yesterday it was getting worse, again. So, I called his office to let him know what was going on and to make sure that it was normal or not. A nurse in the office, called me back stating that the Dr. had called a script down to the pharmacy for an anti-biotic. I guess that means there is or could be an infection in there. While I was there I picked up some Advil to get a handle on the pain for my ear, given that nothing else was working. Now, my ear is feeling better. Who'd a thunk that one dose of the Amoxicillin and Advil would make such a difference. I do however, have to take the Amoxicillin for ten days, to make sure that the infection is gone.
I did go to see the "new guy on the block" in behavioral health and I do like him. He seems to have a pretty decent "bedside manner" and want to push me like my one and only other Counselor did. We are going to pick up where we left off, I had just started tell my first Counselor, about the anxiety with going to church on Sundays, so that is where we are going to continue with. I have some more appointments with him.
I started my Physical Therapy with "J" at the clinic - I almost completely forgot about it. I had it scheduled for 7am right before going to work. However, because I didn't have to work I almost "spaced" the PT appt.
I have to say that I feel like I am getting the "shaft" by my boss. I do have to find another job but I feel like he isn't going to give a chance to do that before I am given no choice. I have begun the search but nothing is going to "materialize" in an instant. I tell you what, there is just too much going on that I am so very glad that I have a Counselor that I can talk to and get some help from now instead of waiting til next month, or calling "T" the Departmental Coach/Boss; not too sure that I could survive that long.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
FUN, FUN STUFF..........
3/24/16 -- So, Sunday I just wasn't in the mood for going to church, it is too bad that I heard from no one, given that it is a small church. I can't quite place why, I just didn't want to.
I had initially decided to not go to the larger venue to were the local church is having their Easter Services due to the fact that the crowd will just be way too big. Then I spent some time with my favorite Youth Pastor and his family, his wife said that there was a possibly going to be live feed from the place of the sermon into the lobby area; so she asked if there is an live feed, would I be more willing to go and just sit in the lobby, then leave right after. That way I would not have to confront the crowd.
Tuesday, I met them at a local hotel that allows people to come and swim in their pool, but only at certain times and only during the week, that way we're avoiding the people staying in the hotel, which is fine.
4/7/16 -- So, some things have changed in the last couple of weeks. I had a rough week leading up to Easter, ended up calling the head of The Behavioral Health dept. just be able to be ok about Easter, I know, I know there is nothing wrong with Easter but I was having issues with going to the larger than a normal service. I was also having trouble with going because I told someone that I would go and the closer the it got more that I just just couldn't go. The head of the department, I will call "T" told me that I didn't have to go - we talk about a half an hour then he re-enforced the idea that I could still call him and/or ask to have an appt. with him if I needed to because he knows that it is another month before my scheduled appt. with a new counselor.
I did find another place to go the was way smaller than what my regular church was doing.
Then by Monday I was feeling pretty bad, so I called "T" to see if I could have an appt. with him. He told me that I could and we scheduled an appt. for the next day. I felt a little better because I was going to be able to get some help at sorting this "anxiety" out and find out what I could do to resolve this problem.
I did go to have my session with "T" and it was felt good to get this out and off my chest. "T" gave me some really good suggestions and gave me some hints to help me get to a place that I would be able to go to church on Sunday then the wedding because I was thinking I couldn't attend the wedding very easily because of the "small crowd" factor. "T" is really easy to talk to, much like my first Counselor "J" who is no longer working for the local Clinic which is very difficult for me.
At the end of the session "T" asked if I would be willing to see the only other male Counselor, that he hired, or if I just wanted him to be someone I called whenever I needed to? At first I told him that I wanted to just keep it between is, us him as a "patch" as he put it. Then the more I thought about it the more I was thinking that wasn't a good idea because he really didn't have the time {given the "T" is the "Coach" of the department which means that he doesn't see patients on a regular basis, he has departmental responsibilities} Then the more I thought about the overnight I decided to mychart mail "T" that I wanted to go ahead give this guy a try: I prefer men in this instance because they have such a different perspective that I like and I believe is important especially if their "bedside" manner is good. "T" was pleased that I was willing to give the new guy a chance. He called me later to let me know that he was pleased and wanted to schedule the time with me. So, I was then scheduled for 3pm to see "B" the following Wednesday.
I had initially decided to not go to the larger venue to were the local church is having their Easter Services due to the fact that the crowd will just be way too big. Then I spent some time with my favorite Youth Pastor and his family, his wife said that there was a possibly going to be live feed from the place of the sermon into the lobby area; so she asked if there is an live feed, would I be more willing to go and just sit in the lobby, then leave right after. That way I would not have to confront the crowd.
Tuesday, I met them at a local hotel that allows people to come and swim in their pool, but only at certain times and only during the week, that way we're avoiding the people staying in the hotel, which is fine.
4/7/16 -- So, some things have changed in the last couple of weeks. I had a rough week leading up to Easter, ended up calling the head of The Behavioral Health dept. just be able to be ok about Easter, I know, I know there is nothing wrong with Easter but I was having issues with going to the larger than a normal service. I was also having trouble with going because I told someone that I would go and the closer the it got more that I just just couldn't go. The head of the department, I will call "T" told me that I didn't have to go - we talk about a half an hour then he re-enforced the idea that I could still call him and/or ask to have an appt. with him if I needed to because he knows that it is another month before my scheduled appt. with a new counselor.
I did find another place to go the was way smaller than what my regular church was doing.
Then by Monday I was feeling pretty bad, so I called "T" to see if I could have an appt. with him. He told me that I could and we scheduled an appt. for the next day. I felt a little better because I was going to be able to get some help at sorting this "anxiety" out and find out what I could do to resolve this problem.
I did go to have my session with "T" and it was felt good to get this out and off my chest. "T" gave me some really good suggestions and gave me some hints to help me get to a place that I would be able to go to church on Sunday then the wedding because I was thinking I couldn't attend the wedding very easily because of the "small crowd" factor. "T" is really easy to talk to, much like my first Counselor "J" who is no longer working for the local Clinic which is very difficult for me.
At the end of the session "T" asked if I would be willing to see the only other male Counselor, that he hired, or if I just wanted him to be someone I called whenever I needed to? At first I told him that I wanted to just keep it between is, us him as a "patch" as he put it. Then the more I thought about it the more I was thinking that wasn't a good idea because he really didn't have the time {given the "T" is the "Coach" of the department which means that he doesn't see patients on a regular basis, he has departmental responsibilities} Then the more I thought about the overnight I decided to mychart mail "T" that I wanted to go ahead give this guy a try: I prefer men in this instance because they have such a different perspective that I like and I believe is important especially if their "bedside" manner is good. "T" was pleased that I was willing to give the new guy a chance. He called me later to let me know that he was pleased and wanted to schedule the time with me. So, I was then scheduled for 3pm to see "B" the following Wednesday.
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