1/30/16 -- I went to check on my dad and this time he answered the door, pretty much right after I knocked on the door the first time. I went in and gave him the bag of food that I wanted him to have. I want to make sure that he that he eats because I know that mom is concerned about him eating properly.
I did consider not going because I woke up with one of my headaches and I still have it but I knew that I needed to go, so I made sure that I took my less effective headache medication and left. I stopped at Little Ceasurs for Pizza and their crazy bread, that bread is so yummy. After picking up my lunch I went to my dad's place and dropped off the food and then went to visit my mom, couldn't find what she wanted but I took that mail that dad gave me to take to her. I visited for a couple of hours but then I just had to leave so I could take care of my headache and mom could rest cause she isn't feeling the greatest, she doesn't know why.
You know it is very troubling to walk into my parent's house and see my dad declining like he is. To me, it is one thing to get old but another when you see your "strong, intimidating looking, dad not be able to speak very well and at times slur his speech. I can't help but think that this headache is attributed to my concern for my dad and the fact that I just haven't been able to completely deal with what I am seeing. My mom looks fine other than the knee replacements but to see my dad is just something that I can't quite put into words.
I am glad that I am on a somewhat better footing emotionally because I am not sure that i would be able to handle this otherwise, plus the fact that I am still seeing my Counselor. Altho the connecting of the dots that he did at my last session wasn't all that pleasant, amazingly enough I didn't fall apart as he was connecting the emotional dots. The things that have accumulated to who I am today and quite possibly has lead to the breakdown of almost 2 years ago.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Friday, January 29, 2016
Trying to keep moving on
1/29/16 -- So, this has been interesting, since my last blog.
I have been going thru so much and trying to cope and get on a strong footing on my anchor, God. I have been trying to avoid dealing with the pain in my life. I want to avoid it because the pull from that 'place' is too strong, right now. According to my Counselor, that is a good thing to do, he said that there is wisdom in that, so long as I don't avoid it forever. I just feel that I can't "go there" til I know that my "anchor" is strong enough that I can't be pulled back in.
Then my mom went to have her knee replaced and is now in rehab. Backtracking a bit; over the last several months my mom has noticed some changes in my dad, not so good changes, either.
He has been falling in a couple of accidents in a short period of time. He has been also having memory issues. So, now since dad took mom to the hospital, early this past Monday, for her surgery, mom hadn't heard or seen dad. He wasn't answering the phone or returning the messages left for him on the answering machine. So, with yesterday being the 4th day since mom had heard from dad, and knowing that he has been falling, I could sense the worry in mom and I was picking up the worry, too. So, I made the trip to my hometown to check on dad.
So, I get there and knocked on the door, since the screen door is locked and I don't have a key for that door. After several minutes I decided it was best to call the Police Dept. and have them help me do a "well check". After the officers came and I answered his questions he went to open the screen door. To my surprise the screen door opened after which the officer let me open the main door. As I was opening the main door, very slowly because I was afraid of what I would find, he started coming to the door. The officer told my dad that he had "his daughter worried". After the officers left I explained to him why I was there. All he did was just laugh it off, and got mom's purse and handed it to me. I was looking in the wrong place for it.
I had him delete all the messages from the answering machine and made sure that he answered the phone whenever we call him. I also assured him that I would be back on Saturday, what he doesn't know it I am bring him something to eat because I don't think that he is eating all the well, if at all - given what my mom has been telling me. He doesn't want me to bring him anything but I am going to anyway. Despite all that we went thru growing up, he is my dad and I love him. The most out of character thing that he did was grab me and give me a very tender hug and kiss, it was the most tenderest hug and kiss x2 that he has EVER given me.
I left there and went to see my mom in rehab to give her, her purse and the couple of other things that she asked me to grab.
I will be going back there tomorrow.
I have been going thru so much and trying to cope and get on a strong footing on my anchor, God. I have been trying to avoid dealing with the pain in my life. I want to avoid it because the pull from that 'place' is too strong, right now. According to my Counselor, that is a good thing to do, he said that there is wisdom in that, so long as I don't avoid it forever. I just feel that I can't "go there" til I know that my "anchor" is strong enough that I can't be pulled back in.
Then my mom went to have her knee replaced and is now in rehab. Backtracking a bit; over the last several months my mom has noticed some changes in my dad, not so good changes, either.
He has been falling in a couple of accidents in a short period of time. He has been also having memory issues. So, now since dad took mom to the hospital, early this past Monday, for her surgery, mom hadn't heard or seen dad. He wasn't answering the phone or returning the messages left for him on the answering machine. So, with yesterday being the 4th day since mom had heard from dad, and knowing that he has been falling, I could sense the worry in mom and I was picking up the worry, too. So, I made the trip to my hometown to check on dad.
So, I get there and knocked on the door, since the screen door is locked and I don't have a key for that door. After several minutes I decided it was best to call the Police Dept. and have them help me do a "well check". After the officers came and I answered his questions he went to open the screen door. To my surprise the screen door opened after which the officer let me open the main door. As I was opening the main door, very slowly because I was afraid of what I would find, he started coming to the door. The officer told my dad that he had "his daughter worried". After the officers left I explained to him why I was there. All he did was just laugh it off, and got mom's purse and handed it to me. I was looking in the wrong place for it.
I had him delete all the messages from the answering machine and made sure that he answered the phone whenever we call him. I also assured him that I would be back on Saturday, what he doesn't know it I am bring him something to eat because I don't think that he is eating all the well, if at all - given what my mom has been telling me. He doesn't want me to bring him anything but I am going to anyway. Despite all that we went thru growing up, he is my dad and I love him. The most out of character thing that he did was grab me and give me a very tender hug and kiss, it was the most tenderest hug and kiss x2 that he has EVER given me.
I left there and went to see my mom in rehab to give her, her purse and the couple of other things that she asked me to grab.
I will be going back there tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
More Thoughts
1/19/16 -- I have decided that I need to continue to do more things for myself, the main thing is losing weight/getting healthy. I am totally not happy with a number of the medications that I am taking; the ones for triglycerides, and blood pressure - so I decided that the only way to get off of them is too lose weight. Not to mention the fact that my ankle will be easier to manage without the extra weight.
I ordered a book off Amazon that talks about and lays out a plan to detox your body via super food shakes and a "clean salad". Then I decided to check out some websites that have healthy foods that you can order and they will sent it too you with recipes that you can prepare and eat at home. The last one I just checked out was the Weight Watchers website. I actually like the plans they have because it is more economical than the others that I was looking at plus I spend about that much in food on a bi-weekly basis for what they charge for a 3-month plan. So, I am going to meditate on these costs and see if I can figure out how to put the money together to pay for a plan, I am so serious about needing and wanting to losing weight, plus Weight Watchers includes breakfast and your getting meals for everyday of the week, which means less of a chance for cheating on the weekends.
The physical issues that I have with my left ankle, hip, and back just makes me want to get the weight off to make them, not so painful. Plus, I know that by adjusting what I eat and losing weight I will be able to get off the two medications that I really don't believe I need, despite what my regular doctor says. I know that I haven't been eating as healthily as I should and need to. I also am aware that by shedding some weight I will be more will to get more physically active and it won't be so hard on my ankles and other joints. I truly believe that it could have an effect on how I look at myself, physically.
I am still working on my emotional side which goes along with my spiritual side. I am doing my best to keep things in the proper perspective because I really don't want to fall backwards and down the hole that I have been fighting to get out of and stay away from.
I have accountability with the spiritual/emotional sides but I don't really for the physical aspect but I guess I am doing this on my own.
Not committing suicide and moving away from depression has been a very long and tough road that I know I am far from done with. I know that I still have a ways to go because I am still getting thoughts that aren't healthy or truthful. The battle truly in the mind plus not have a good spiritual foundation or being arrogant to think that you got it all under control just isn't good. I have had those thoughts & issues and they aren't correct which means you have a heart issue that needs straightened out. I have really been struggling with that for awhile.
I ordered a book off Amazon that talks about and lays out a plan to detox your body via super food shakes and a "clean salad". Then I decided to check out some websites that have healthy foods that you can order and they will sent it too you with recipes that you can prepare and eat at home. The last one I just checked out was the Weight Watchers website. I actually like the plans they have because it is more economical than the others that I was looking at plus I spend about that much in food on a bi-weekly basis for what they charge for a 3-month plan. So, I am going to meditate on these costs and see if I can figure out how to put the money together to pay for a plan, I am so serious about needing and wanting to losing weight, plus Weight Watchers includes breakfast and your getting meals for everyday of the week, which means less of a chance for cheating on the weekends.
The physical issues that I have with my left ankle, hip, and back just makes me want to get the weight off to make them, not so painful. Plus, I know that by adjusting what I eat and losing weight I will be able to get off the two medications that I really don't believe I need, despite what my regular doctor says. I know that I haven't been eating as healthily as I should and need to. I also am aware that by shedding some weight I will be more will to get more physically active and it won't be so hard on my ankles and other joints. I truly believe that it could have an effect on how I look at myself, physically.
I am still working on my emotional side which goes along with my spiritual side. I am doing my best to keep things in the proper perspective because I really don't want to fall backwards and down the hole that I have been fighting to get out of and stay away from.
I have accountability with the spiritual/emotional sides but I don't really for the physical aspect but I guess I am doing this on my own.
Not committing suicide and moving away from depression has been a very long and tough road that I know I am far from done with. I know that I still have a ways to go because I am still getting thoughts that aren't healthy or truthful. The battle truly in the mind plus not have a good spiritual foundation or being arrogant to think that you got it all under control just isn't good. I have had those thoughts & issues and they aren't correct which means you have a heart issue that needs straightened out. I have really been struggling with that for awhile.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Thoughts
1/18/16 -- Well, the last couple of days have been uneventful, in a way. I have spent sort of serious time with God and meditated on the fact that I have to keep giving God my life, all of it yes that means the situation that almost drove me to suicide. It has actually become easier than I expected. I believe it is because I have chosen, I believe with wisdom, to NOT go to the 'place' that causes me so much pain. I am trying to establish a good, deep, strong anchor in my 'Faith' and I am, in a way, afraid to 'go to that place of pain' right now because that pull back into that hole is too strong, yet. Once this anchor is firmly established and I feel that I can go to that place without being pulled into the hole again.
I firmly believe that my continued recovery from being suicidal (at the least with suicidal thoughts) is because of the people I have in my life and most especially because of the Counselor that I have-then because of the mindfully selected friends - along with the smallness-the circle of friends. Whether you believe in God or something/one else the point is, is that you return to those beliefs because ultimately it could be the only thing that pulls you through. For me it has been God - he has be very patient and just waiting for me to finally realize that He is the only one that can do anything in my and my son and wife. God is in Total Control and I just need to recognize and rest in that, completely.
I firmly believe that my continued recovery from being suicidal (at the least with suicidal thoughts) is because of the people I have in my life and most especially because of the Counselor that I have-then because of the mindfully selected friends - along with the smallness-the circle of friends. Whether you believe in God or something/one else the point is, is that you return to those beliefs because ultimately it could be the only thing that pulls you through. For me it has been God - he has be very patient and just waiting for me to finally realize that He is the only one that can do anything in my and my son and wife. God is in Total Control and I just need to recognize and rest in that, completely.
This song, I heard on the radio and instantly felt that it completely applied to me. This
song is just a reminder that instead of me just holding on to Him I need to allow myself to be held by Him. He is on control and for me and my body, my emotional and spiritual health I seriously need to leave it God's hands. Also, one this that this song says is that "your life hasn't fallen apart, it is fallen into place", that just seemed like a revelation to me.
Friday, January 15, 2016
Continuing on
1/15/16 -- So, I made it thru the holidays - a very very good thing. I didn't "tank" because I really believe that I am in a better place, spiritually. At least a little. I have had to put the "pile of crap" aside for awhile because I am seriously trying to get past the "muddy puddle" that I have been stuck in for so long. My Counselor, my Mentor, my Pastor and many others really want for me be in a much better, stronger in God place and I REALLY don't like the place that I have been "stuck" in that I want/need to move on beyond it.
I had a session with my Counselor, first one in a month, due to the holidays and his vacation. He was very impressed with how I have been/am doing.
I didn't spend the christmas day alone because of people that cared, as a result I really had fun. I laughed and smiled, the laughing is something that I haven't done in a long time - along with actually having fun.
I have had to make a conscious decision to stay away from the "thing" that takes me down the hole that I have been fighting against for so long. I have had to just tuck it away for awhile because the "tug" from it is stronger than I am right now. I have been challenged by my Mentor to "dig into" the Word of God with the goal of actually getting something out of it. We have agreed to start reading thru a devotional together and meeting together every two weeks to discuss the days devotion. Plus, I have been trying to focus on God and what He has done for me and what he wants to do in my life.
I heard a song on the christian radio station that I like to listen to when I am not listening to WGN and it just struck me as exactly what I needed to hear from God. I played it for my Counselor because it contains words of wisdom that I know he has been telling me, in his own way, but for some reason it all came together in this song. The song is "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns. I don't know how new this song is but it really spoke to me. Just a couple of the words of the song - "your world hasn't fallen apart, it has fallen into place" & "stop holding on, just be held". There were some other things that I have read that just started to sink in and ring true to me. It is like my heart and mind were/are finally coming together and no longer fighting with each other.
I really want to become the woman that God intends for me but in reality that isn't going to happen til I stop fighting, submit the issue and myself to Him, surrender all because He knows what's best for me and my family. Truth is He can and does work in me and them at the same time, the catch is how submissive to His direction we are.
Again, I need to emphasize that I am not preaching to anyone who reads because everyone has their beliefs and I am not one to "shove religion" down anyone's throat. I am just speaking to what has been working for me. I will say that having a good core of friends and seriously bringing them into your life is one of the best things you can do. When I was married my husband bred into me a distrust of people, in general, but over the last 2 years I have realized that I cannot live like that. I need people and I mean a select few that you trust and are there for you to help get thru the toughest times of your life.
I had a session with my Counselor, first one in a month, due to the holidays and his vacation. He was very impressed with how I have been/am doing.
I didn't spend the christmas day alone because of people that cared, as a result I really had fun. I laughed and smiled, the laughing is something that I haven't done in a long time - along with actually having fun.
I have had to make a conscious decision to stay away from the "thing" that takes me down the hole that I have been fighting against for so long. I have had to just tuck it away for awhile because the "tug" from it is stronger than I am right now. I have been challenged by my Mentor to "dig into" the Word of God with the goal of actually getting something out of it. We have agreed to start reading thru a devotional together and meeting together every two weeks to discuss the days devotion. Plus, I have been trying to focus on God and what He has done for me and what he wants to do in my life.
I heard a song on the christian radio station that I like to listen to when I am not listening to WGN and it just struck me as exactly what I needed to hear from God. I played it for my Counselor because it contains words of wisdom that I know he has been telling me, in his own way, but for some reason it all came together in this song. The song is "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns. I don't know how new this song is but it really spoke to me. Just a couple of the words of the song - "your world hasn't fallen apart, it has fallen into place" & "stop holding on, just be held". There were some other things that I have read that just started to sink in and ring true to me. It is like my heart and mind were/are finally coming together and no longer fighting with each other.
I really want to become the woman that God intends for me but in reality that isn't going to happen til I stop fighting, submit the issue and myself to Him, surrender all because He knows what's best for me and my family. Truth is He can and does work in me and them at the same time, the catch is how submissive to His direction we are.
Again, I need to emphasize that I am not preaching to anyone who reads because everyone has their beliefs and I am not one to "shove religion" down anyone's throat. I am just speaking to what has been working for me. I will say that having a good core of friends and seriously bringing them into your life is one of the best things you can do. When I was married my husband bred into me a distrust of people, in general, but over the last 2 years I have realized that I cannot live like that. I need people and I mean a select few that you trust and are there for you to help get thru the toughest times of your life.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Life.......
1/11/16 -- Well, here it is 2016 and I am doing my best to "turn over a new leaf" so to speak. I made it thru the holiday season without any big major issues or break downs, that is a very good thing. My initial plan was to spend the entire season alone, but that ended up not happening. I was invited to spend christmas with some friends, they had lunch around 1pm ish. The ham was really yummy, the whole meal was good. I had fun, totally enjoyed myself because I wasn't alone and their wasn't the focus on "family" that is so common on that day. There was a couple of other couples there, along with an older lady. After dinner we played a couple of card games. I was one of 3 others that played euchre, the rest played a different game, that I don't remember the name of. We ended up being done around supper time, like 5pmish. I did end up sticking close to home the rest of that weekend, with exception to Church.
New Year's Day, I totally and completely stayed around the apartment. I watched the New Year's Day parade and college Football all day long. Oh, and I spent the whole weekend watching college football and snacking on the foods that I had put together.
However, since the holidays are completely over with I have been trying to focus on the "switch" that my Counselor wants to me to make so that I can move on from this place of "what I call a mud puddle". I have not completely abandoned the idea of the switch I just hadn't been really focusing on it just because I really didn't want the headache. I have been receiving devotional via email and those have been very helpful along with the relieving depression by reading the Psalms, on my iPad. On and off over the last several weeks I have been thinking about this "switch" and how to go about doing it without creating "stress" on my body to flare up a headache.
Unfortunately, I haven't been due for a session with my Counselor it the 14th of this month. I am very grateful and thankful that I made thru this holiday season without any breakdowns or major issues. It has been about a month since my last session.
I have been meeting with a woman who is married but she is willing to disciple/mentor me and help me to stay focused on God and what He is wanting to do in my life rather than focusing on my son and the relationship that I don't have but wish I did have. Wishing doesn't make it so, altho I wish it did. I just can't force him to do anything. I have had some really strange dreams lately that have had my son in them.
New Year's Day, I totally and completely stayed around the apartment. I watched the New Year's Day parade and college Football all day long. Oh, and I spent the whole weekend watching college football and snacking on the foods that I had put together.
However, since the holidays are completely over with I have been trying to focus on the "switch" that my Counselor wants to me to make so that I can move on from this place of "what I call a mud puddle". I have not completely abandoned the idea of the switch I just hadn't been really focusing on it just because I really didn't want the headache. I have been receiving devotional via email and those have been very helpful along with the relieving depression by reading the Psalms, on my iPad. On and off over the last several weeks I have been thinking about this "switch" and how to go about doing it without creating "stress" on my body to flare up a headache.
Unfortunately, I haven't been due for a session with my Counselor it the 14th of this month. I am very grateful and thankful that I made thru this holiday season without any breakdowns or major issues. It has been about a month since my last session.
I have been meeting with a woman who is married but she is willing to disciple/mentor me and help me to stay focused on God and what He is wanting to do in my life rather than focusing on my son and the relationship that I don't have but wish I did have. Wishing doesn't make it so, altho I wish it did. I just can't force him to do anything. I have had some really strange dreams lately that have had my son in them.
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