2/26/16 -- Ok, so this headache is still ongoing. This is the fourth day of this headache, the level 8 on the pain scale however the way this headache is, is just all engulfing of my head verses just a localized place. I have had to take this Tizanidine for the last several days and I just don't feel like it is working all that well.
I was supposed to go to my mom's house and help her out, yesterday, but my head just hurt too much to go after work. All I did once I got home was nap, or lay around. It usually feels better when I am laying down. The trouble is; laying down doesn't get much accomplished around the home. Housework isn't accomplished while laying around, nor is laundry; both of which is something that I need to do. I did manage to do some sweeping of my kitchen but that was it. I highly doubt that I will be going anywhere tonight, supposed to go to Life Group but I highly doubt I will go. Resting is about all I want to do plus I want to be able to my mom's place tomorrow, as I wasn't able to go yesterday.
It really sucks that this effects my life the way that is has been, here lately. I just don't know what to do about it. I do have an appointment with the Neurologist in another clinic, in about 3ish weeks for a follow up after her prescription of the Tizanidine.
She had mentioned, in prior communication, with her that she wants to do a thorough exam as a result of the "dizziness" that I have been experiencing.
My primary doc, is trying somethings as well, at the request of my out of town Neurologist, I communicated with him. I can't say that I agree with that just because of the nature of the headache, and dizziness, and what I feel like when I have the dizziness but it is better to communicate that in person, so I am glad I am going to see her.
No wonder I just pull away, this health issue is pain in the rear end.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Changes.......
2/25/16 -- Life's changes: Boy I tell you, they suck! They suck when they don't seem to be changes for the good of things, over all. They suck because I know that I won't be seeing a particular person after my last session with him, on March 4th. They suck because when I see the dramatic changes that my dad has gone thru, they are shocking and almost........ They suck because I have a feeling my mom will have to make some decisions, sooner than she expected yet I know that she is trying not to think about it. -- Not that I blame her. My middle sister FINALLY responded to an email mom sent her giving her an update on things, apparently she was glad mom had let her know and "seemed" concerned about what she had heard about dad. Yes, I am cynical about my sister's, so called concern, because she hasn't shown an interest about anything else why now? She seems no not care unless it suits her and I don't like it. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister, however, she has gone more than out of her way to keep mom and dad out of their lives. She hasn't wanted them or myself to interact with her or her family - in any way shape or form - which is just plain wrong and very hurtful/frustrating.
Anyway, March 4th is the last session with my Counselor! I don't like that idea at all but I know that there isn't anything that I can do about it. I am trying to adapt to the idea of whole new Counselor, but I don't like the idea of having to wait til April to see her for the first time. There is a month and a half/pretty close to 2 months that I won't have seen anyone and to be truthful, that scares me, it scares me a lot. I know that I am on a cancellation list for her but, as far as, I am concerned that doesn't count because I am not holding my breath for someone to cancel their appt. with her. The clinic is so short staffed that cancelling just isn't a good idea.
I decided to make a little gift for him and I am going to find the perfect card that I will be giving to him with the gift. I want him to know just how much I value him and his advice and the fact that he gave me so much care and forced me to confront things that I really didn't want to. He was also someone that I have told more things to that I haven't told anyone else, he made feel comfortable in doing that and I just felt like it was information that he would be able to help him to help me understand why I have reacted to this situation the way that I have. Somehow he became someone that I completely trusted and I don't have very many people in my life that I completely trust like that.
The last couple of days I have had to deal with an intense headache. Somehow I am able to work, I guess because I have to but that isn't to say that I wish I didn't have to. I would much rather just lay around and listen to the tv and nap. All I want to do when I have this stupid intense headache. I didn't even go to the volunteer thing that I do every Wednesday night because even tho it seemed like it was somewhat diminished I was leary of the noise of the children and the fluorescent lights that can aggravate the issue. I just rested and sort of got things ready for today. However, there are things around my apt. that I wish I would feel like doing because they need done. Oh, and there is my mom who needs my help to get some things done because of some safety concerns in their house and dad hasn't done any of the "honey do list" that has been around since before he retired. Since he retired he has done absolutely nothing around the house to update or repair things that he can do. I am pretty sure that my dad has been depressed but the trouble is that he doesn't admit that he has any issues emotionally or physically which isn't a good thing, at all. Mom has gotten dad an appt. with his doctor and she is going all the way in with him because she wants to be able to tell his doctor all the stuff that has been going with dad, at home, stuff that he doesn't volunteer at any other time.
Anyway, March 4th is the last session with my Counselor! I don't like that idea at all but I know that there isn't anything that I can do about it. I am trying to adapt to the idea of whole new Counselor, but I don't like the idea of having to wait til April to see her for the first time. There is a month and a half/pretty close to 2 months that I won't have seen anyone and to be truthful, that scares me, it scares me a lot. I know that I am on a cancellation list for her but, as far as, I am concerned that doesn't count because I am not holding my breath for someone to cancel their appt. with her. The clinic is so short staffed that cancelling just isn't a good idea.
I decided to make a little gift for him and I am going to find the perfect card that I will be giving to him with the gift. I want him to know just how much I value him and his advice and the fact that he gave me so much care and forced me to confront things that I really didn't want to. He was also someone that I have told more things to that I haven't told anyone else, he made feel comfortable in doing that and I just felt like it was information that he would be able to help him to help me understand why I have reacted to this situation the way that I have. Somehow he became someone that I completely trusted and I don't have very many people in my life that I completely trust like that.
The last couple of days I have had to deal with an intense headache. Somehow I am able to work, I guess because I have to but that isn't to say that I wish I didn't have to. I would much rather just lay around and listen to the tv and nap. All I want to do when I have this stupid intense headache. I didn't even go to the volunteer thing that I do every Wednesday night because even tho it seemed like it was somewhat diminished I was leary of the noise of the children and the fluorescent lights that can aggravate the issue. I just rested and sort of got things ready for today. However, there are things around my apt. that I wish I would feel like doing because they need done. Oh, and there is my mom who needs my help to get some things done because of some safety concerns in their house and dad hasn't done any of the "honey do list" that has been around since before he retired. Since he retired he has done absolutely nothing around the house to update or repair things that he can do. I am pretty sure that my dad has been depressed but the trouble is that he doesn't admit that he has any issues emotionally or physically which isn't a good thing, at all. Mom has gotten dad an appt. with his doctor and she is going all the way in with him because she wants to be able to tell his doctor all the stuff that has been going with dad, at home, stuff that he doesn't volunteer at any other time.
Friday, February 19, 2016
New Devolopment
2/13/16 -- I had a session with my Counselor, yesterday morning, bright and early. The session was good, I completely enjoy my sessions with him because he is so helpful and encouraging. However, towards the end of the session he delivered some very bad news!
He is leaving 😞; That is soo not a good thing, at all. Apparently the clinic doesn't seem to value him and the work he has been doing for the patients he sees, not to mention that he is the only Counselor that is licensed in two states. So, by him leaving they won't have anyone in the other state's branch clinic. He travels quite aways every day so simply making it slightly financially easier for him to make that drive every day shouldn't be such a difficult thing. Anyway, I have told him so much over the last two years, things that I haven't told anyone else, that so sucks! I decided to send the Patient Advocacy department and/or the CEO of the clinic and "chew" him out. Just letting them know that is it an EXTREMELY bad idea to allow him to go to a different job, just because he would like to have a little bit more money for his Salary. Actually, I didn't reveal the details that he told me but they get the idea, it just isn't a good idea so leave so many patients without this wonderful man. Not to mention the fact that will further add an additional patient load to the remaining patients, oh and they are already short staffed. My Counselor's patients will be spread out among the remaining Counselors, adding to their load. He did tell me that there are 10-12 patients, including myself, that he doesn't want to leave. That really makes me feel good - I could tell that he really didn't want to tell my the bad news. My Counselor even wanted to make sure that I have an appt wit him one more time in this month and once before he leave the early part of March.
He did highly recommend only one other person on staff there that he truly believes is a good match for me to be transferred too. So, I did make a few appts with her, the two things that I don't like is that I will be seeing a woman, and there is a whole month where I won't be abel to see any one, because she is booked up so I am on the cancellation list for her in April, and for Jason for one more in February. I am still seriously not wanting my Counselor to leave and really not looking forward to having to adjust to someone new plus I really like seeing a male just because of the unique perspective he has versus all the women that I have in my life. Nothing against the wonderful friendships that I have with women but a man has a very different perspective on things and there are many times when that is needed.
Here lately I have had a difficult time with the idea of going to my local church due to the fact that it is a decent sized church and for some reason I am having issues with being around a lot of people. I don't understand why but that is the way that I am right now, consequently I have decided to resume going to a small starter church that this family has recently started and I was one of their childcare providers now just attending. I need to be around a few people but just not a lot at one time. I just don't want to try going it alone because I am pretty sure I know where I could end up if I do that again.
Once again, I am the only one of my sisters that is helping mom. I went to my hometown and picked her up from rehab and took her home. I made sure that she was all settled, I helped her put her stuff away from what she had taken to rehab, with her. I made sure that she would be ok for food and such, til Saturday, before I left. I was prepared for that trip to take longer than it did. This Saturday tho, I am going back down to help her go grocery shopping and out to lunch, along with making sure that my little sister has an opportunity to see mom before the errand run is over.
I have had a rather strange week, emotionally and headache wise.
He is leaving 😞; That is soo not a good thing, at all. Apparently the clinic doesn't seem to value him and the work he has been doing for the patients he sees, not to mention that he is the only Counselor that is licensed in two states. So, by him leaving they won't have anyone in the other state's branch clinic. He travels quite aways every day so simply making it slightly financially easier for him to make that drive every day shouldn't be such a difficult thing. Anyway, I have told him so much over the last two years, things that I haven't told anyone else, that so sucks! I decided to send the Patient Advocacy department and/or the CEO of the clinic and "chew" him out. Just letting them know that is it an EXTREMELY bad idea to allow him to go to a different job, just because he would like to have a little bit more money for his Salary. Actually, I didn't reveal the details that he told me but they get the idea, it just isn't a good idea so leave so many patients without this wonderful man. Not to mention the fact that will further add an additional patient load to the remaining patients, oh and they are already short staffed. My Counselor's patients will be spread out among the remaining Counselors, adding to their load. He did tell me that there are 10-12 patients, including myself, that he doesn't want to leave. That really makes me feel good - I could tell that he really didn't want to tell my the bad news. My Counselor even wanted to make sure that I have an appt wit him one more time in this month and once before he leave the early part of March.
He did highly recommend only one other person on staff there that he truly believes is a good match for me to be transferred too. So, I did make a few appts with her, the two things that I don't like is that I will be seeing a woman, and there is a whole month where I won't be abel to see any one, because she is booked up so I am on the cancellation list for her in April, and for Jason for one more in February. I am still seriously not wanting my Counselor to leave and really not looking forward to having to adjust to someone new plus I really like seeing a male just because of the unique perspective he has versus all the women that I have in my life. Nothing against the wonderful friendships that I have with women but a man has a very different perspective on things and there are many times when that is needed.
Here lately I have had a difficult time with the idea of going to my local church due to the fact that it is a decent sized church and for some reason I am having issues with being around a lot of people. I don't understand why but that is the way that I am right now, consequently I have decided to resume going to a small starter church that this family has recently started and I was one of their childcare providers now just attending. I need to be around a few people but just not a lot at one time. I just don't want to try going it alone because I am pretty sure I know where I could end up if I do that again.
Once again, I am the only one of my sisters that is helping mom. I went to my hometown and picked her up from rehab and took her home. I made sure that she was all settled, I helped her put her stuff away from what she had taken to rehab, with her. I made sure that she would be ok for food and such, til Saturday, before I left. I was prepared for that trip to take longer than it did. This Saturday tho, I am going back down to help her go grocery shopping and out to lunch, along with making sure that my little sister has an opportunity to see mom before the errand run is over.
I have had a rather strange week, emotionally and headache wise.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Feeling Meh......
2/9/16 -- Over the last couple of days to a week, I have begun to feel rather strange - like just pulling away from people and the things that I have been doing. I have even gotten to the point of not really wanting to clean, like vacuum which I am not liking one bit. I was planning on going to church and visiting my mom on Sunday/evening to watch the Super Bowl but on Saturday I woke up with an intense headache. (AGAIN!) I had my meeting with my Mentor, then a massage after lunch. After that the grocery store for what my planned snacking was to be with mom.
At my Massage Therapy; Massager had me start out on my back and she first wrapped my feet with wet warm towels. Next she put a cold wash cloth on my head along with cold stones on my face. I laid there on the table for at least a half an hour if not a longer. It actually felt quite good, in a weird way. However, I forgot to mention that she massaged my head, and arms first, which definitely felt good. It used to be with this headache that I could stand to have my head touched but now it feels great to have it massaged. As a finale she took the warm towels and cold stones off my feet and head then had me flip over onto my stomach. She massaged my shoulder, neck and back. I didn't notice a huge different in my headache right away, altho I did notice that is was somewhat milder and more all over my head instead of intense and localized.
I did go grocery shopping afterwards but I wasn't able to get the stuff that I was completely planning on getting. I was able to get the chicken wings but not the stuff I wanted to get to help myself lose weight. But I planned on looking at my account after paying on some bills, taking another trip to the grocery store. The thing that I was also trying to figure out which store to go to, to purchase the fruit/veggies needed for the smoothies/shakes.
After I finally got home and relaxed in my chais' lounge I finally felt the difference in my head. It was like all was released and my head wasn't hurting as bad as it started out, in the morning.
All the while there was a kind of battle going on in my head as to whether I really wanted to go back to Freeport, on Sunday, or not. On the one hand I did because I wanted to watch the Super Bowl with my mom; on the other hand I didn't want to go (depended on how my head felt when I woke up) partially. I definitely relaxed because that is what I wanted to do/needed to do.
So, went to bed a pretty decent time, I think. Anyway, When I woke up Sunday morning my head was hurting intensely but differently. I finally broke down and let mom know, then I jumped in the shower. I took another approach to using the "massage setting" on the shower head. Instead of using the warmer side of the water setting I used the cooler side of the warm water setting and put it on my head/neck/shoulders using a cue from my Massage Therapist. After the shower, my head actually felt somewhat better yet I still just didn't want to go to church which meant that I wasn't going to visit mom or help at Youth Group, if needed, but then again I couldn't be in two places at once. I didn't want to aggravate my headache by be exposed to the fluorescent lights, those lights tend to irritate and sometimes cause migraines, for me.
So no trip to church, or to visit my mom. I do have to admit that I kinda didn't want to go anywhere, on Sunday. I don't really know why either. I did tell mom that I would go to visit her on Monday after work and bring her, the chocolate and pop that she wanted.
I can't quite peg why I didn't want to go but I didn't. I just didn't want to go - have no explanation or excuse. That is what I don't like because I just don't know what or how to respond to these new/different feelings. I guess the only thing that I should be going is giving it over to God, mostly like this is some thing that is trying to be a distraction to the inroads to my recovery.
At my Massage Therapy; Massager had me start out on my back and she first wrapped my feet with wet warm towels. Next she put a cold wash cloth on my head along with cold stones on my face. I laid there on the table for at least a half an hour if not a longer. It actually felt quite good, in a weird way. However, I forgot to mention that she massaged my head, and arms first, which definitely felt good. It used to be with this headache that I could stand to have my head touched but now it feels great to have it massaged. As a finale she took the warm towels and cold stones off my feet and head then had me flip over onto my stomach. She massaged my shoulder, neck and back. I didn't notice a huge different in my headache right away, altho I did notice that is was somewhat milder and more all over my head instead of intense and localized.
I did go grocery shopping afterwards but I wasn't able to get the stuff that I was completely planning on getting. I was able to get the chicken wings but not the stuff I wanted to get to help myself lose weight. But I planned on looking at my account after paying on some bills, taking another trip to the grocery store. The thing that I was also trying to figure out which store to go to, to purchase the fruit/veggies needed for the smoothies/shakes.
After I finally got home and relaxed in my chais' lounge I finally felt the difference in my head. It was like all was released and my head wasn't hurting as bad as it started out, in the morning.
All the while there was a kind of battle going on in my head as to whether I really wanted to go back to Freeport, on Sunday, or not. On the one hand I did because I wanted to watch the Super Bowl with my mom; on the other hand I didn't want to go (depended on how my head felt when I woke up) partially. I definitely relaxed because that is what I wanted to do/needed to do.
So, went to bed a pretty decent time, I think. Anyway, When I woke up Sunday morning my head was hurting intensely but differently. I finally broke down and let mom know, then I jumped in the shower. I took another approach to using the "massage setting" on the shower head. Instead of using the warmer side of the water setting I used the cooler side of the warm water setting and put it on my head/neck/shoulders using a cue from my Massage Therapist. After the shower, my head actually felt somewhat better yet I still just didn't want to go to church which meant that I wasn't going to visit mom or help at Youth Group, if needed, but then again I couldn't be in two places at once. I didn't want to aggravate my headache by be exposed to the fluorescent lights, those lights tend to irritate and sometimes cause migraines, for me.
So no trip to church, or to visit my mom. I do have to admit that I kinda didn't want to go anywhere, on Sunday. I don't really know why either. I did tell mom that I would go to visit her on Monday after work and bring her, the chocolate and pop that she wanted.
I can't quite peg why I didn't want to go but I didn't. I just didn't want to go - have no explanation or excuse. That is what I don't like because I just don't know what or how to respond to these new/different feelings. I guess the only thing that I should be going is giving it over to God, mostly like this is some thing that is trying to be a distraction to the inroads to my recovery.
Friday, February 5, 2016
Aging - not sure
2/5/16 -- Ok, so today is my middle Granddaughter's Birthday but I won't be seeing her or sending her a birthday card because I don't have an address to sending anything to, that truly sucks. I love and miss her as well as the rest of the family. I didn't hang around to long in the, sort of depressed mood I was in a couple of days ago. Yet, there still is times when I really just hang out ever so briefly in that mood because of something that I see on TV or on Facebook.
I am finally sort of headache free, it isn't as prominent has it had been for 4ish days. Yesterday was the first day that I was able to be without the Tizantidine. At the very least it isn't over powering the Gabapentin have been taking for 3 months for the headache pain management. I was supposed to be tapering off of it but not happening because of the headache. It is nice to not have a headache. This headache just totally exhausts me, it totally takes it all out of me. All I want to do is lay down and rest, if not flat out sleeping. I just don't want to do anything and that just isn't such a good thing because I don't get anything done.
I went to see my dad and then my mom yesterday after work and eating lunch. I stopped to see my dad first and he answered the door slowly after I knocked, he smiled and let me in. The first thing I looked for was the phone so I could look at the ringer but I didn't see it, most likely it was beside his chair, but I didn't ask. I went ahead and looked for the stamps and an envelop that mom wanted me to bring to her. As soon as I walked in the door, tho, I smelled something burnt. I was thinking that he had tried to bake something. So, when I went into the kitchen I took a good look at what it was that he tried to make, it looked like he tried baking muffins but wasn't quite successful. So, I asked him about the muffins and told him that I could make him some muffins and bring them to him. He said ok, but he really wasn't all that helpful in the kind he wanted. I decided to bring him banana muffins but then mom said that he was probably trying to make cornbread muffins because that is a mix that he keeps in the fridge. So, even tho I want to make myself banana muffins I will go ahead and make him the cornbread muffins.
After seeing dad I headed out to the rehab place where mom is. I took the mail stuff she wanted and we talked for awhile. It sounds like she will be turned loose, next week. I told her that I could come and take her home and help her get settled in. If she could be released in the afternoon and not on a Wednesday, that would be perfect. She is very leery about having dad pick her up and take her home. Also by me taking her home I can help her determine what she has in the kitchen, food wise, because she really doesn't know, cause dad is usually the one that does the cooking, such as it had been. According to mom it hasn't been that good, let alone not good for you. She knows that she is going to have to do more for herself that she did the last time. I just feel that I am the only one that is available to help her out since my sister is being a jerk right now; not only that but she has come up and helped me out on a number of occasions, so it is the least that I can do.
I have to admit that I am struggling with this aging thing especially dad because he used to be so strict, mean, intimidating, less than compassionate, and I have run out of adjectives.
I just don't quite know how to handle it, however it isn 't driving me into depression, altho at a different time it very well could have.
I am finally sort of headache free, it isn't as prominent has it had been for 4ish days. Yesterday was the first day that I was able to be without the Tizantidine. At the very least it isn't over powering the Gabapentin have been taking for 3 months for the headache pain management. I was supposed to be tapering off of it but not happening because of the headache. It is nice to not have a headache. This headache just totally exhausts me, it totally takes it all out of me. All I want to do is lay down and rest, if not flat out sleeping. I just don't want to do anything and that just isn't such a good thing because I don't get anything done.
I went to see my dad and then my mom yesterday after work and eating lunch. I stopped to see my dad first and he answered the door slowly after I knocked, he smiled and let me in. The first thing I looked for was the phone so I could look at the ringer but I didn't see it, most likely it was beside his chair, but I didn't ask. I went ahead and looked for the stamps and an envelop that mom wanted me to bring to her. As soon as I walked in the door, tho, I smelled something burnt. I was thinking that he had tried to bake something. So, when I went into the kitchen I took a good look at what it was that he tried to make, it looked like he tried baking muffins but wasn't quite successful. So, I asked him about the muffins and told him that I could make him some muffins and bring them to him. He said ok, but he really wasn't all that helpful in the kind he wanted. I decided to bring him banana muffins but then mom said that he was probably trying to make cornbread muffins because that is a mix that he keeps in the fridge. So, even tho I want to make myself banana muffins I will go ahead and make him the cornbread muffins.
After seeing dad I headed out to the rehab place where mom is. I took the mail stuff she wanted and we talked for awhile. It sounds like she will be turned loose, next week. I told her that I could come and take her home and help her get settled in. If she could be released in the afternoon and not on a Wednesday, that would be perfect. She is very leery about having dad pick her up and take her home. Also by me taking her home I can help her determine what she has in the kitchen, food wise, because she really doesn't know, cause dad is usually the one that does the cooking, such as it had been. According to mom it hasn't been that good, let alone not good for you. She knows that she is going to have to do more for herself that she did the last time. I just feel that I am the only one that is available to help her out since my sister is being a jerk right now; not only that but she has come up and helped me out on a number of occasions, so it is the least that I can do.
I have to admit that I am struggling with this aging thing especially dad because he used to be so strict, mean, intimidating, less than compassionate, and I have run out of adjectives.
I just don't quite know how to handle it, however it isn 't driving me into depression, altho at a different time it very well could have.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Pain again
2/3/16 -- Today has been a difficult day, for a couple of reasons, I guess. One being my head -- for the last several days my headache has been back with a vengeance, overpowering the daily pain medication that I have been taking to help keep it under control. I messaged 'my' Neurologist, that has been treating me for this. She was the one that I saw for a second opinion back in July, of last year. Anyway, a nurse from her office actually called me on Monday, a few hours after my leaving the message, and we eventually agreed that a different medication to take at the onset of the headache would be a good choice. The other option is an injection of Toradol, but I wanted to try the medication first. The medication that I am taking now is a true muscle relaxant, the other stuff is more of an anti-anxiety med. that does relax you but not like this Tizantidine.
I did start that medication, Monday night because I just wanted to get rid of this headache, plus that was the directions from the Neurologist. I ended up sort of oversleeping on Tuesday morning but I didn't care because as far as I am concerned my body needed it.
The next reason is thinking about missing my son and granddaughter. All the while I am listening to a tv program that has a character talking about the things that you shouldn't wait to tell your loved ones. I have a bunch I want to say to my son and granddaughters but I haven't had the opportunity is such a long time and it just doesn't look like that is going to happen in the near future, at least not from this perspective. The perspective being the "downside" the part of me that sees ZERO contact from him/them and how broken my heart still feels.
Then there is my dad -- my mom is in rehab from knee replacement surgery and my dad is exhibiting some strange behaviors, for him anyway. My dad used to be this intimidating, mean looking, man who never really gave his daughters any kind of emotional support of any kind. Now he is displaying weakness, something that I am not used to seeing from my dad. This is a man who has chased after me for screaming at the top of the stairs (when I was growing up) as he was beating on my mom, in their bedroom. He hasn't done that in years but that kinda gives you an idea of the kind of man he was. Then two weeks ago, when I went to check on him for the first time, to get the most tenderest hug and kisses from him, EVER! It was nice but so out of character that I just don't know what to make of him. He did the same again when I stopped by on Saturday to see him before going to see mom, in rehab.
I love my dad despite the things that he did to me and my mom, it actually blows my mind to know of the things that he put my mom thru, even before us children were born, and she didn't leave him. She did run back her parents for a two week stint when she was pregnant with either me or my middle sister, she took a grey hound bus from their home all the way back to her parents 2 states away. When told me that I enquired as to what possessed her to go back to him and she said he came for her, said that he missed her and he was sorry, or something like that. That abuse didn't stop for a long time. It got to where it has shifted from physical to more emotional and at times it was directed at us. I have two younger sisters, but my middle sister is old enough to remember.
I did start that medication, Monday night because I just wanted to get rid of this headache, plus that was the directions from the Neurologist. I ended up sort of oversleeping on Tuesday morning but I didn't care because as far as I am concerned my body needed it.
The next reason is thinking about missing my son and granddaughter. All the while I am listening to a tv program that has a character talking about the things that you shouldn't wait to tell your loved ones. I have a bunch I want to say to my son and granddaughters but I haven't had the opportunity is such a long time and it just doesn't look like that is going to happen in the near future, at least not from this perspective. The perspective being the "downside" the part of me that sees ZERO contact from him/them and how broken my heart still feels.
Then there is my dad -- my mom is in rehab from knee replacement surgery and my dad is exhibiting some strange behaviors, for him anyway. My dad used to be this intimidating, mean looking, man who never really gave his daughters any kind of emotional support of any kind. Now he is displaying weakness, something that I am not used to seeing from my dad. This is a man who has chased after me for screaming at the top of the stairs (when I was growing up) as he was beating on my mom, in their bedroom. He hasn't done that in years but that kinda gives you an idea of the kind of man he was. Then two weeks ago, when I went to check on him for the first time, to get the most tenderest hug and kisses from him, EVER! It was nice but so out of character that I just don't know what to make of him. He did the same again when I stopped by on Saturday to see him before going to see mom, in rehab.
I love my dad despite the things that he did to me and my mom, it actually blows my mind to know of the things that he put my mom thru, even before us children were born, and she didn't leave him. She did run back her parents for a two week stint when she was pregnant with either me or my middle sister, she took a grey hound bus from their home all the way back to her parents 2 states away. When told me that I enquired as to what possessed her to go back to him and she said he came for her, said that he missed her and he was sorry, or something like that. That abuse didn't stop for a long time. It got to where it has shifted from physical to more emotional and at times it was directed at us. I have two younger sisters, but my middle sister is old enough to remember.
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