Plugging Away

1/31/15 - I apologize for the length of time since my last posting, when I work it is hard to prioritize my time and make sure I get to bed on time without sacrificing my sleep.  Whenever I sacrifice my sleep I struggle with staying awake the next day.
    I am still struggling with my asthma and coughing and such:  I was prescribed another round of prednisone, last week when I went to see my Pulmonary Doctor for a regular check up.  Then of course there were about 3 days where I had forgotten to take the medication, just be virtue of the location of the meds and where I was eating by breakfast.  I finally had to take my medication and put it in my bedroom where I eat breakfast so that I would remember to take the medication.  I am so sick and tired of coughing.  I am almost wondering if there isn't more going on.
    Absolutely no progress with my son, yet.  I haven't heard anything from the Pastor concerning any meeting, as far as whether anything as occurred or not.  There are times that I wonder if I should give up.  My counsellor, J, asked me if I would ever give up.
I told him that because of my Granddaughters, no way would I give up, those beautiful girls are more that worth fighting for.  My relationship with my son is too.  However, if there were no granddaughters, there is a possibility that I would not fight as strongly for him.  I don't know though because my son and I were so incredibly close that I just don't think that I could completely let go of him.
  This process has been long had very difficult.  I have learned a lot about myself, still nothing about my son.  I have more questions than answers.  I even have a longing to return to my local church rather than to continue to drive to my second home church, but I don't feel that I have clearance to return my home church, this point in time.  
  I thought what I went through with my ex-husband was tough, this has put him to shame!  Honestly, my son should be totally and completely ashamed of himself!  That is my feeling on the whole thing!  He has totally and completely treated my like crap!  He hasn't spoken to me, kept my granddaughters from me!  All of this without any explanation!  Hence, the more question than answers.
That is my feeling on the thing!

Hanging in there

1/24/15 -- Well, what an interesting week I have had.  4 out of the 5 days I didn't work, again; still having issues with coughing/asthma and this non-working thing was working thing was wreaking havoc in the finances department.  Also, I had like 3 doctors appointment in a row, one on Tuesday, and two on Wednesday.  So, I was kinda glad I wasn't working just for the fact that I would have had to drive back and forth.  The first appt was with my Psychiatrist, the second and thirst were with my pulmonary doctor and my counselor.  The Psychiatrist was just an evaluation and med check, the pulmonary doctor was a follow up and I end walking out of that appt with a prescription for prednisone to take care of the inflammation in my lungs, to hopefully calm my asthma down, once and for all.  The last appt, was with my counselor, J. B. that one I was actually looking forward to outside of getting some relief from my asthma issues.
   I had some real emotional things come up that I am very thankful that there is someone in my apartment complex that I could go to and cry, get a hug from, and talk for a while.  Tuesday, about mid afternoon, pretty much right before my appt with my Psychiatrist, I had to address the "pile crap" and I really don't like going there.  I had sent an email on Monday to the Youth Pastor concerning introducing a third party into our situation. The situation between my son and I.  Anyway, the Youth Pastor had responded to that email and I wasn't completely satisfied with what he responded with because I felt that he was misunderstanding where I was coming from by introducing someone new into the situation, in the event that the Pastor is unsuccessful in getting my son to meet with him and eventually with me.  As I was typing out my response to his response I was typing thru tears and the "mom" in my was welling up in me to the point that I was actually thinking more about how this affecting my son than myself.  It was just overwhelming, the thing is I just can't doing anything about it!  That is something that I am reminded of over and over and that absolutely drives me crazy!  We as moms want to "fix" everything that has to do with our children our even our spouses or friends and it drives us nuts when something is totally out of our control.  It seemed like I was seeing more of how my son's refusal to recognize and address the issues that he needs to be addressing could be affecting more that he thinks.  The thing that bothers me the most is, he should know better because of the things that he has experienced, at least I would have thought so, anyway.
    My Psychiatrist is actually feelings that I have vastly improved since October of last year.  I happen to agree with her.  I do feel much better and I am not dwelling in the "pile of crap" any more.  I do have to address it once in a while but I don't go there and hang out there for toooooo long of a time.  I don't think about suicide anymore, however there has been a time when I have gone there and that was during a conversation with my counsellor other than that I don't.  I don't even really feel like I hang out in the depression department too much anymore.  There are times tho where that is a battle so I haven't really conquered that, but we are getting there.  She did have me schedule more appts. with my counsellor so that is what I did. 

Still living life

1/20/15 -- You know I really can't believe that we are in the middle of January and I still am not working consistently.  My boss and I were both hoping that this year would start off differently than it did last year, so far, it hasn't.  This truly sucks!!
    The thought crossed my mind a couple of weeks ago, to have a third party intervene in the the situation between my son and I.  It just seems like things are moving extremely slowly, a lot slower than I anticipated after bringing it to the Pastor's attention.  I didn't expect instant resolution but I know that the Pastor did "drop the ball" somewhat til recently, I actually had to remind them of some thing and now one of the elders who is the worship leader is in more of the know than he was.  Anyway, I spoke to the Youth Pastor about bringing in a third party (a pastor from the church that I am currently attending in another city) and he was all for it, on the hopes that my son would be more receptive to somebody different.  After talking with the Pastor tho, a couple of days later, he wants to keep trying, so I won't be discussing bringing a third party in, with him, yet.
    While I was at church, in the other city, I did briefly discuss the the other pastor's wife about her husband being willing to intervene and talking with my son.  I received a call from him last night, from the pastor at the other church, and we discussed the situation.  Right now he doesn't feel now is the time, I happen to agree with him because the Pastor wants to keep trying.  I filled him in some more stuff cause he asked some questions and he is going to pray about it.  He did say that if this continues for another couple of months then he would be willing.  He will keep the idea and my son in prayer, as well as, myself in prayer, also the Pastor.  This is the kind of support that I need to keep on moving on in my life.
     My family is so important to me, it is just too bad that my son can't seem to see that.  Too bad he can't seem to see past whatever garbage he is dealing with to let bygones be bygones.  I know that my son is very stubborn yet it seems that he should know better by virtue of the things that he has been taught by me, youth group, experienced in YWAM for two years and in any other ways that God has used to teach him different principles.  Right now I don't really recognize the person who seems to be my son, he looks like my son yet he doesn't act like my son.  Also, he doesn't treat me like the young man that I raised my son to be, or the one that came back from YWAM, the last time.  I also taught him to talk to people when you have a problem with them, yet he has yet to do exactly that.  I really am working on not dwelling in the "pile of crap" as my therapist puts it, because it just is not health.
  I want to focus on how I can help people that are in the situation I was in and on my physical health.  I have been having issues with my right hip popping out of place, and my chiropractor says the heavy people have problems with that.  Well, I have been taking steps to keep that from happen again. Paying attention to how I sit, and drastic food changes so that I can loose weight.  When my hip pops out of place it is very painful, then when my knee follows suit, that adds to the pain especially when I have to bend down.   I seriously needs to loose like 100lbs in order to be a healthy weight and my blood pressure is high, I want to stop taking the blood pressure medication along with the medication for the triglycerides.  That is my goal, a little at a time.

Keep on living

1/19/15 -- Well, can't seem to shake this cold or whatever.  Still, or should I say, I have started again (a couple of days ago) blowing my nose more) then of course the coughing to go along with it.  The coughing is the most annoying for me because I am so sick and tired of coughing.  Then of course my asthma is acting up again.  Last night seemed to last forever because I woke up twice for sure coughing so I woke up later than I thought I would, which is fine because I didn't have to work. Yep, was informed last night that the people that my boss was suppose to go and paint their house, they can't seem to settle on a paint color for their house [or the rooms in the house] so he didn't have to go to work, which then of course I wasn't needed.  This really sucks, I really have nothing to fall back on, no cash to fall back on, like a savings account.  This really can play havoc with your emotions if you let it.  Thankfully, I have a project that I have started on, for a wedding that is coming up in March.  I did have to make a trip to my less than favorite store, Walmart.  I had to have some yarn, and plastic canvas, plus some food so unfortunately, I did my shopping all at that store, or most of it.
I did have to stop at one other grocery store for a few things that Walmart didn't have, but that was fine.
     Took a quick break for a trip to the chiropractor, boy I needed the adjustment! My right half was out{right hip and knee}, my neck was out of whack thanks to the way I have caught myself sleeping a couple different times over the holiday weeks.  Then I had to eat supper and work a little on my project.  I haven't heard from my boss, not a good thing, not a good thing at all!  I really don't know what to do, I am trying to be trusting in God, trying really hard.  This is really testing a lot for me because I just want to jump and ask for help but yet I don't want to.  Not only that but it is a test of my emotional well being because I really hate just not working, I mean I could be helping Youth Pastor's wife but her children aren't that healthy and honestly neither am I.  My asthma is acting up and I have some sort of a cold, a mild one or something.  It just dawned on me that I actually have an appt. with my pulmonary dr. on Wednesday, that is a very good thing.  Maybe, just maybe he can make sense out of what has/is going on with my asthma.  It isn't just the job thing that is weighing on me or my son, it is this cough, driving me nuts.  This hasn't helped my headache, it has been ever present altho not intense because of the topomax.

Keep living life

1/16/15 -- Well I got to work the last 3 days, yay!!! Yesterday was only for one hour but he paid for the whole day.  Yet, I was exhausted because I only got 4-5 hours sleep Wednesday night due to an emergency call from the Youth Pastor needing me to come and stay with 4 of their girls, while they took the baby to the ER and the 2 yr old boy with to be checked out as well.  I don't mind tho because I would do anything for them and my own family so I have decided to start leaving my phone on all night but it is set up to only receive calls from the Youth Pastor and wife, my son and daughter in-law, my mom, and my daughter in-law's mom.  I decided that I need to be reachable in emergencies for these people, only a couple of these people don't know that I am leaving my phone on at night, yet.  They soon will.
    I have this whole day off so I suppose I will do something constructive, like clean and shop a little, don't need too much, thankfully.  This really sucks, not having work, for more than one reason.  It sucks for the emotional reason and because it really hurts the finances.  I did ask the church for some help for the electric bill and the cable, they said they would pay the electric bill the view the cable as a luxury.  I understand that, I should have known that.  I should have asked them to help me with my cell bill.  Oh well.  That way I can spend some time with the second oldest daughter of the Youth Pastor and we can bake.
  I find that it is still a struggle to maintain an even keel emotionally.  This whole lack of work over the holiday season plus a week and then some.  My boss had work for himself this week that is how we were working this week.  I have plans on going to different town and donating plasma for two reasons, one it's to help people and two they actually pay when you give plasma.  My thought process is to do that like once a month so that I can help others and earn some extra money to help myself stay above "water" so to speak.  I also want to try to prepare for the end of the year by making an attempt at setting money aside for rent for and other expenses so that the two weeks of the holidays aren't such a pain financially especially if it goes into a 3rd week.  I am just so tired to not having enough money to do more than just tithing and paying bills, not that I want to go spend happy but I want to be able to bless a ministry once in awhile.
   Then there is the whole issue with my son which has yet to be resolved.  There are times where I am so tired of waiting for the Pastor to do something that I just want to scream!  Yet, I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do.  The only thing I can do is pray and rest in God that He knows what He's doing and when it'll all come to a resolution.  I tell you depression really sucks but all you can do is keep plugging away and move on with living your life to the very best of your ability.  Living is still better than dying before your time.  The ramifications of dying before your time, are just wrong.  They negatively effect every one around you; I have seen statistics to that effect.  I truly believe that none of use really want to die even tho death is the only route that we see at the time we are in depth of the pain.

Just plugging away

1/8/15 -- It has been a few days, sorry about that.  I did have that therapy session with Dr. J on Tuesday, it felt good to finally get all those feeling out that I really hadn't dealt with yet.  He really just encourages to make sure that I do things to make myself feel good.
  Tomorrow night is the first night back into the Life Group sessions.  I volunteered to make dessert, because I actually ran across a recipe in my Pintrest account that I actually have all the ingredients for, yipee.  I haven't baked in a long time and I enjoy baking so much.  So, even tho I don't have any one in my household to bake for I am going to resume baking and start sharing what I bake with others.  I will start bringing my second favorite little girls over, one at a time, so we can bake together.  Baking for others is my way of showing other that I care.  I also have another thing that I like to do, a crafty type thing that my former mother in-law got me in to when I was married to her son.
I work with plastic canvas and yarn. Plastic canvas can be shaped into cool different things and and there are different patterns with the yarn and I have gotten back into that, as I have eluded to in some previous blogs.
   I really feel like I am beating this depression, at least at times. 
I say that because I feel pretty good right now, funny how that works.
1/12/15 --  I didn't work at last week and this week isn't starting off very well.  I didn't have to work today and that isn't a good thing at all.  Not at all sure what to do about this.
  Anyway, I did go to the grocery store and shopped for some very health stuff to get myself off to get a good start on loosing weight. and getting myself off of some of the medications that I really don't want to be taking anyway.  This is just the kind of stuff that can totally throw me into a downward spiral, but I am determined to not let that happen.  I started my morning off right, for me, and last night was great because I got to have my Beernink fix. Haha. I got to spend some wonderful time with the Youth Pastor's children including his 2 month old.  I was having serious withdrawals cause is hadn't seen them in like 2 weeks, with being sick and all over the holidays, then being too cold to bring little little ones out in.

Still Keeping On

1/5/15 -- Well, no work today, but hopefully tomorrow.  Winter has come back with a vengeance - we have had it pretty easy all the way up until now.  Of course, I am suppose to go back to work tomorrow, baring a change in a woman's schedule.  It will be nice to be back to work.  I am hoping to have some stuff set up to take with me to keep me busy, after all done working the boy and his school.  I am going to try and get some small things planned out, in plastic canvas, working with the yarn colors that I have.  I already have some ideas.
1/6/15 --  No work today, the place where the work was to be done, man of the house just found out he has cancer.  So, they have postponed the work to be done so they can adjust to the news and prioritize the treatment the how they approach everything else they are doing.  As far as my boss knows there is work next week so I am planning on going to work.
    Last night I received a reminder call from the clinic I go to, reminding that I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow.  I kinda have been looking forward to this because I know what this is going to zero in on, the last two weeks.  One of the first things he is going to ask about is how the holidays went.  Honesty is the best policy, but I will need the kleenexes the he has sitting next to his couch, that I sit in.  That will be the first time that I will emotionally face the lack of contact with my family during the holiday season.  I realize I was sick but they didn't know that because my son didn't bother to contact me, period.  I say too much about it on Facebook till after the holiday so there is no way he knew.  I truly dislike the emotional roller coaster that I have been over the last month or more.
   I was doing so good, then to be off work for two weeks, which was a good thing because of being sick, being alone, depression, and know one to talk to living within my household makes things difficult, at times.  Difficult but not impossible, however when you are sick for two long weeks and you are alone and no one to check on you is a recipe for a down ward spiral, which was happening to me.  I do need to be around people, thankfully, my mom came up, and I did go to the doctor, and I am finally feeling way, way better.  We all have our hard time, depression isn't an easy thing to get out of
but it is totally possible to get out of it.  Sometime you have to do it somewhat on your own.
Keep going to your therapy appointments and any other appointments that are helping you to keep going.  Keep up any hobbies or listening to music or even watching tv programs that are uplifting. 

Back to the Real World :)

1/4/15 -- Well, I made it to church today!  Despite the weather, I made it, it was a must that I went!  I have been sequestered to my apartment for 2 weeks, at least it felt like it.  Yes, my mom came to visit and we went out for lunch but that wasn't really getting out, plus I still wasn't feeling 100% better.

   Last night I did go my hometown, to a well know Local Bar, to a going away party for my sister in-law and her husband.  They are moving to North Carolina because of her husband's job.  They are also long time friends, I went to school with them, we graduated together.  It was such a needed thing for me to get the heck out of my apartment and even my town. I saw a number of people that I have know for a long time, it was great. One long time friend from school and another from just being around my mom, I guess.  

  I totally needed to be around people, as much as sometimes people sometimes get on my nerves after a period of time.  With battling depression and not liking being around crowds for too long can be a double edge sword.  However,  after 2 weeks of being sick and not being around people an the much needed encouragement, the Body of Christ, the people is what I needed.  Again, I needed to remind any of you that I am not preaching, this is what encourages and helps me.  I insist that being around people, the right people is what is needed when you are depressed.  By the right people, I mean people that are going to help and encourage you, lift you up, when you are down.  Please do your best to stay away from the people that are going to bring you down.  Do your best to listen to those who are truly trying to help because they care about you and want to help you.

   I also need to get back to listening to music that is uplifting to me.  If people aren't your thing then maybe music, but I encourage you to gage what type of music you listen to.  There is some music that will just take you right back down the road that you came up from and you should most likely stay away from that.  Try a different style of music, there is all kinds of music out there.  Please explore a different style of you listen to a style that has all kinds of negativity in it, that you don't need if/since you are battling depression.

Happy New Year

1/2/15 -- So, here it is 2015 Happy New Year!  Nothing has really changed for my situation, as of yet.   I am prayerfully hoping that is will change soon, because my middle granddaughter's birthday is the beginning of February and I would like to be apart of that part, too.
   Finally, health wise, I am feeling better.  My voice is finally getting back to normal the cough is productive and annoying.  I do need to get my sleep back on track, however, because it so out of whack and for going back to work, it so needs to be back on track, otherwise getting up by 5am to be at 7am will be difficult to get used again.
   Yesterday, I completed the lid of the special stuff box that I was having such an issue with.  I had made the oldest granddaughter's box first and I wasn't too happy with the way the lid turned out on the one.  I went ahead and made the the middle granddaughter's special stuff box and decided to take a different approach on making the lid so that I could see what I had done wrong.  Even tho I was able to fix the lid, I am not all that happy with the lid, however because of how completed the lid is I just didn't want to totally start all over again.  It does look good, but because I am the one who made it and I am the one who is going to be critical about it.  I have started to put labels on the bottom of the things I make and give away.  I was going to try to get into card making but I think I will maybe start purchasing them from a friend who had made it her business and stick to plastic canvas.
   I was actually able to go thru the day without thinking about all the crap going on in my life. No pity party for me yesterday, amazing.  I finished my project, and snacked all day, watched the Rose Bowl Parade, then football games, I also bounced between football and Chopped - at least until the Buckeyes played then I stayed on the game till half time.  I stayed up as long as I could but just couldn't go past half time.  Ohio State Buckeyes WON!  Yes I am Buckeye fan, sorry everyone.  My family (parents) are from Ohio so hence the fan.  I was successful in not having the pity party, that is pretty darn good.  It wasn't a battle either which is actually amazing, too considering I put in the request to my son to give the completed gifts to my granddaughters and see them open them.  Oh, and I have looked and he hasn't seen the request let alone responded, yet.