12/31/14 -- My mom came up yesterday and we went to lunch. We talked the whole time - this one of the days she had off she had so she came up to visit, we do that. She only lives like a half an hour away. My dad is retired and is a pain in the rear to her, so she wanted to break up her days off up, plus she planned on helping me out a little bit. I showed her the the Special stuff boxes I made for my granddaughters and the doll that she helped me get for my baby granddaughter. Mom stayed for several hours, it's always nice when she comes to visit.
When I woke up this morning, I realized that I do have to get busy making the next Keepsake box for the next wedding gift that is coming up in March. The box will not take a long time to make but that it is composed of a lot of pieces, the pattern will be pretty easy. The box is what will be pretty challenging tho, I want to put it together a little bit differently than T & C's wedding. I think tho that I will be able to make a couple of other things in between that box. I have so many ideas it isn't funny. Some of what I want to make are small things with simple but meaningful little sayings that go along with the some of the songs that have been uplifting to me.
I gotta admit depression/sickness just don't got together; depression/sickness/loneliness don't go together; depression/sickness/loneliness/winter don't go together; add to that the holidays and you can totally have a mess. It truly is how you deal with it. That is the key, I certainly am not going to "preach" to handle it any one way because everyone is different and because for all the so called strength I thought I had, I failed miserably, myself. The cross between being sick, not working all last week and knowing that I wouldn't be working all this week, and knowing that there was a strong possibility that I wouldn't see my granddaughters even for a short time this holiday season, made for a very down and even spiraling week/struggling week last week. The week didn't start off very strong this week either but better knowing that my mom was coming up this week made it somewhat better and gave me something to look forward to. Also, one of my friends actually contacted me, she and her hubby had been sick since Christmas. By the way, it was a good thing that I wasn't working because of being sick, just not good for the pocketbook. I am so glad that the sun is shining today and the even tho it is cold now, I have to go out and get some errands taken care of.
I do want to say it is ok to feel however and/or whatever you feel. Don't let anyone ever tell you that it's not ok. Your feelings are valid no matter what they are. Please tho, if you are angry be constructive in how you demonstrate it, please don't take your anger out on others or yourself. Take up boxing or running or something along those lines that will allow you to constructively vent those types of feelings without hurting yourself or others. Anger is a valid emotion but taking it out on other or yourself just isn't proper or right, when you do that you are not only hurting yourself but you are hurting the people around you. Please try to remember that there are ramifications or ripple effects that happen after you have done something out of anger that either you and/or others will have to deal with regardless of your mental status. I know, I know easier said than done, believe me I know. We all have our breaking points and I have come close to mine a few times but I don't know what I would do if I would actually reach mine.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Human reality - yet hurt
12/30/14 -- Well a trip to the doctor and an anti-biotic later and I am starting to feel so much better, finally. I received an email from friend M, last night that had a link to another blog which was very enlightening to me. A much needed reminder that I needed. People cannot be there 24/7 for us like we want them to be, so we really need to not put them in a place where they are the only ones that can fulfill needs we have. I know, I know that is easier said that done. I am speaking to myself here, as over the last several days I have been battling the "pity party".
I spoke to someone yesterday, on my way out of the clinic, he is employed by the clinic but was off and had taken his 4 children to the doctor for checkups, he said that there were a lot of people in the hospital with the flu and pneumonia and such illnesses.
I have thought about what that blog said after I went and read it. I added to to my reading list, on my blog. This particular blog is bible based and I definitely needed the reminder. God is the only One who can truly fulfill my hearts desires and holes. My only issues with this is that He isn't human and can't sit on the couch and embrace an physically sit next to me, cuddle me or anything like that. That being said He is still the One and Only that can fulfill all my needs. For those of you who may be reading this and don't believe in God or anything remotely close, I am sorry. Yet, you must believe in something or someone.
In my opinion and experience both recent and past, people let us down simply because they are human beings. The closer they are to you, the more and deeper the hurt is when they do let you down or reject you. One thing that I have recently learned again, is that we, as moms shouldn't (we do, so easily) find our identity in our children. {even our spouses} When I was married to my son's dad, and then went thru the whole recovering from the divorce thing, I totally realize just how much I had lost my identity in him. I couldn't believe that someone that professed to love me as much as he did could hurt me like he did and in the way he did. I was so blind and inexperienced about men and life outside my parents house. My parents really didn't do much to help me to teach me about men or life in the arena plus as teenager I growing up in my parents home it was hard. That is another story for another time. Anyway, here I am with a 3 year old boy to raise alone, and no time to make and real educated decisions. Heck, I didn't even have to time to deal with his betrayal or accusations, I had a child to raise, he needed me more than this idiot, I use that term loosely, I didn't view him in that way then. I still loved him but I had our son to raise.
I had to make hard decisions and because of the reality of the situation and of what had happened, he had actually told me the truth, 3 weeks prior. He was arrested, and in jail, I had no choice in the decisions I was faced with. More later.
I spoke to someone yesterday, on my way out of the clinic, he is employed by the clinic but was off and had taken his 4 children to the doctor for checkups, he said that there were a lot of people in the hospital with the flu and pneumonia and such illnesses.
I have thought about what that blog said after I went and read it. I added to to my reading list, on my blog. This particular blog is bible based and I definitely needed the reminder. God is the only One who can truly fulfill my hearts desires and holes. My only issues with this is that He isn't human and can't sit on the couch and embrace an physically sit next to me, cuddle me or anything like that. That being said He is still the One and Only that can fulfill all my needs. For those of you who may be reading this and don't believe in God or anything remotely close, I am sorry. Yet, you must believe in something or someone.
In my opinion and experience both recent and past, people let us down simply because they are human beings. The closer they are to you, the more and deeper the hurt is when they do let you down or reject you. One thing that I have recently learned again, is that we, as moms shouldn't (we do, so easily) find our identity in our children. {even our spouses} When I was married to my son's dad, and then went thru the whole recovering from the divorce thing, I totally realize just how much I had lost my identity in him. I couldn't believe that someone that professed to love me as much as he did could hurt me like he did and in the way he did. I was so blind and inexperienced about men and life outside my parents house. My parents really didn't do much to help me to teach me about men or life in the arena plus as teenager I growing up in my parents home it was hard. That is another story for another time. Anyway, here I am with a 3 year old boy to raise alone, and no time to make and real educated decisions. Heck, I didn't even have to time to deal with his betrayal or accusations, I had a child to raise, he needed me more than this idiot, I use that term loosely, I didn't view him in that way then. I still loved him but I had our son to raise.
I had to make hard decisions and because of the reality of the situation and of what had happened, he had actually told me the truth, 3 weeks prior. He was arrested, and in jail, I had no choice in the decisions I was faced with. More later.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Perfect timing
12/29/14 -- It's interesting how I was giving advice yet having a difficult time following my own advice. HaHa. As I have been sick, so have my friends been sick, at least the ones that live here, close to me. There seems to be some sort of virus that has struck quite a number of people and affected them in different ways and knocked them out for a week or more. Kinda hard to talk to people when they are sick. Then of course whatever I got has affected my voice so it's kinda hard to talk at all. I guess I should say, kinda hard for them to talk to you when they are sick. Here I am sort of feeling sorry for myself or at the very least battling with that, altho I know from chatting with a friend via Facebook messenger that there are a number of people that are sick. What a great time of year to be sick, the time when people don't want to be sick, is christmas.
Totally amazing the things that run thru your mind when you are sitting watching tv and working on your project. The last gift is almost done, altho I still don't know if or when I am going to give the gifts to the girls.
I text my mom a Happy Birthday to my dad, since yesterday was my dad's birthday. My dad didn't think it was his birthday, he didn't realize that it was December 28th. Mom said that he has lost track of time. I totally believe that my dad is depressed, I just wish that he would admit it and get some help. He is a man, a "man's man" and is too macho to admit that he has issues. Since dad retired has been behaving like this. To top it all off, he has been trying to control mom, she hasn't been allowing to do so, as best as she can. Dad has been retired for about 10 years, give or take. There are things around the house that he could do, he could slowly get rid of the tools and such in the basement and in the garage plus a bunch of other stuff, yet he doesn't. He could even get a part-time job, but he doesn't. I am concerned about him but I don't know what to do, he is even more stubborn than I know I can be. He has access to stuff that I don't and I just don't want my mom to come home to a shock, from work. I know that I can't really help my dad because he has to be willing to admit that he has a problem. So, I just keep praying for him.
I just opened my living room blinds - oh what a perfectly gloomy day! Just what is needed to help perk up the mood! N0T! This is another one of those days where conserving electricity absolutely goes out the window! Almost every light is on it the apartment, definitely in the living room. I am planning on calling the doctor to see if I can get in to make sure that I have nothing more going on with my lungs. I am not so much concern about my voice altho it is weird that my voice is affected by whatever is going on.
Totally amazing the things that run thru your mind when you are sitting watching tv and working on your project. The last gift is almost done, altho I still don't know if or when I am going to give the gifts to the girls.
I text my mom a Happy Birthday to my dad, since yesterday was my dad's birthday. My dad didn't think it was his birthday, he didn't realize that it was December 28th. Mom said that he has lost track of time. I totally believe that my dad is depressed, I just wish that he would admit it and get some help. He is a man, a "man's man" and is too macho to admit that he has issues. Since dad retired has been behaving like this. To top it all off, he has been trying to control mom, she hasn't been allowing to do so, as best as she can. Dad has been retired for about 10 years, give or take. There are things around the house that he could do, he could slowly get rid of the tools and such in the basement and in the garage plus a bunch of other stuff, yet he doesn't. He could even get a part-time job, but he doesn't. I am concerned about him but I don't know what to do, he is even more stubborn than I know I can be. He has access to stuff that I don't and I just don't want my mom to come home to a shock, from work. I know that I can't really help my dad because he has to be willing to admit that he has a problem. So, I just keep praying for him.
I just opened my living room blinds - oh what a perfectly gloomy day! Just what is needed to help perk up the mood! N0T! This is another one of those days where conserving electricity absolutely goes out the window! Almost every light is on it the apartment, definitely in the living room. I am planning on calling the doctor to see if I can get in to make sure that I have nothing more going on with my lungs. I am not so much concern about my voice altho it is weird that my voice is affected by whatever is going on.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Cleaning up a mess
12/27/14 -- So yesterday, I did something kinda stupid. I got on Facebook, on the life group page and put something on there that was pretty much "have a pity party" for me type deal on it under the guise of asking for prayer. Well, sometime later I checked Facebook and there was a comment from my daughter in-law, much to my surprise and dismay! I didn't know that she was on the life group group. So, of course, I deleted the post then I had to pretty much clean up my mess. I felt pretty stupid and at the same time betrayed! Not sure how that worked to together but that is how I felt. Yet, I was "kissing her butt!" Here I am, working on a gift for one of her daughters, trying to get better and trying to choose my words, carefully so as to not offend her any more.
I swear, sometimes I do the stupidest things! I don't even know why - out of desperation, frustration, pity, who knows even out of depression and a cry out for attention because this being alone is just not a good thing, well I got the wrong kind of attention! Imagine that! haha! That is kinda what we tell our children, right? Well anyway, I did ask my daughter in-law for forgiveness so hopefully she will be able to do that.
I had to make myself get out of the house yesterday, to go to the grocery store, get much needed food. The food I had been eating was processed and seriously bothering my stomach which really isn't a good thing. I got some real meat and some breakfast food and supper food, so today I have to low and slowly cook the roast the I bought. It was nice to get out of the apartment for short time, the sun was shining, it was nice. I also had to get the recyclables out of the apartment along with the kitty litter.
It really sucks because I sort of wanted to just hibernate and have a pity party. I have had to restrain from putting myself pity out there on Facebook, even tho I kinda want to do that. It really wouldn't do much good to that anyway. I have really wanted to seriously wanted to chew my son up one side and down the other but that wouldn't do much good either.
I know that being depressed really does suck, I also know that there are days that you feel like you have absolutely know one to talk to. I highly recommend writing everything down, in a notebook; you know like journaling. I totally realize it is not the same thing as talking to a human being but even your closest friends can't be around you 24/7. Your family (depending on your age) is but they may not alway be available to talk, sometime you have to assert yourself, other times you have to give them space. The space for them is so you don't overwhelm them and cause them to become depressed themselves. The key is you know they do love you and they truly are there for you. Keep seeing your therapist, taking your meds (providing you are seeing a therapist and taking meds) and getting a hobby. I know, I know none of that really helps, you still have too many thoughts. You are wondering how I know; Well, I have those thoughts. Even with the project that I have been working on, I have too much time to get into my head, and I absolutely hate it! So, somehow you have to combat it with better thoughts, happy thoughts. I know easier said than done. Believe me I know. I deal with it on a daily basis.
I swear, sometimes I do the stupidest things! I don't even know why - out of desperation, frustration, pity, who knows even out of depression and a cry out for attention because this being alone is just not a good thing, well I got the wrong kind of attention! Imagine that! haha! That is kinda what we tell our children, right? Well anyway, I did ask my daughter in-law for forgiveness so hopefully she will be able to do that.
I had to make myself get out of the house yesterday, to go to the grocery store, get much needed food. The food I had been eating was processed and seriously bothering my stomach which really isn't a good thing. I got some real meat and some breakfast food and supper food, so today I have to low and slowly cook the roast the I bought. It was nice to get out of the apartment for short time, the sun was shining, it was nice. I also had to get the recyclables out of the apartment along with the kitty litter.
It really sucks because I sort of wanted to just hibernate and have a pity party. I have had to restrain from putting myself pity out there on Facebook, even tho I kinda want to do that. It really wouldn't do much good to that anyway. I have really wanted to seriously wanted to chew my son up one side and down the other but that wouldn't do much good either.
I know that being depressed really does suck, I also know that there are days that you feel like you have absolutely know one to talk to. I highly recommend writing everything down, in a notebook; you know like journaling. I totally realize it is not the same thing as talking to a human being but even your closest friends can't be around you 24/7. Your family (depending on your age) is but they may not alway be available to talk, sometime you have to assert yourself, other times you have to give them space. The space for them is so you don't overwhelm them and cause them to become depressed themselves. The key is you know they do love you and they truly are there for you. Keep seeing your therapist, taking your meds (providing you are seeing a therapist and taking meds) and getting a hobby. I know, I know none of that really helps, you still have too many thoughts. You are wondering how I know; Well, I have those thoughts. Even with the project that I have been working on, I have too much time to get into my head, and I absolutely hate it! So, somehow you have to combat it with better thoughts, happy thoughts. I know easier said than done. Believe me I know. I deal with it on a daily basis.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Post Holiday
12/26/14 -- Yesterday was really rather a lousy day for me. For a combination of reasons. Somehow I managed to catch a cold, that didn't get too bad, however, it was a strange cold in that it has ended up affecting my voice. I pretty much have been held up in my apartment and not around too many people and yet I have managed to get a cold. I haven't felt too bad, but I just can't talk much, my voice just comes in and out and isn't very strong. Then there is my son, who didn't really bother to contact me in any way shape or form. I stayed off Facebook for the most part, yesterday just because I was really have a difficult time staying out of the "pity party" mode.
My therapist J says that everyone has a pile of crap but the key is what you do with that pile. Depression to me is where you somehow end up dwelling in the "pile" of crap and you don't even realize it. That is so true. I am now aware of the "pile of crap" and there are days where is it a constant battle to not dwell in the "pile of crap". Yesterday definitely was one of those days where it was one of those days where is was difficult to stay away. I caught myself wanting to cry, not that that would have been a bad thing, but I just didn't want to do that right then and there. As I was working on the Special Stuff Box for my middle granddaughter, there were so many things running thru my mind, so many things. Things like, why am I doing this?, What is the point? nobody cares, my son doesn't care. There were so many times that I had to dispel those thoughts with other thoughts that is why had to stop checking Facebook, so often. There weren't any pics of my granddaughters that showed up so I didn't miss that, it was just the statements that I just didn't want to see any more, didn't want to see all those feel good things from people any more, I just felt like putting something on there that would have popped everyones bubble! I restrained myself and didn't but I sure did want too. There have been soooooo many times that I have wanted to say something smart on Facebook just out of frustration and/or anger but I have restrained myself. I wish, sometimes, that I wasn't such a "nice" person because I just want to let loose but Facebook just isn't the forum for that and I know that, plus I really wouldn't accomplish anything other than a lot of angry people.
I really hate what goes on inside my head sometimes. Sometimes, I just hate thinking because I just don't like all of the different things that I think about. Sometimes the thoughts are negative, sometimes they are about money(that is never a good thing to dwell on), then of course there is my son and the reason I am working so crazily on the last box. The design of which looks pretty darn good, on the bottom and will be the top. I just don't know what to do, how to think, yes I know God is my Rock, I do believe that, yet that doesn't negate the struggle that still goes on in my mind. God's Word says that He will be with me thru the struggle. Meaning that life as a believer will be tough but He will with us thru the storm. Therefore, I am still very much a human being that still struggles and just because I have chosen to believe in Jesus doesn't mean that my life is a piece of cake, far from it.
My therapist J says that everyone has a pile of crap but the key is what you do with that pile. Depression to me is where you somehow end up dwelling in the "pile" of crap and you don't even realize it. That is so true. I am now aware of the "pile of crap" and there are days where is it a constant battle to not dwell in the "pile of crap". Yesterday definitely was one of those days where it was one of those days where is was difficult to stay away. I caught myself wanting to cry, not that that would have been a bad thing, but I just didn't want to do that right then and there. As I was working on the Special Stuff Box for my middle granddaughter, there were so many things running thru my mind, so many things. Things like, why am I doing this?, What is the point? nobody cares, my son doesn't care. There were so many times that I had to dispel those thoughts with other thoughts that is why had to stop checking Facebook, so often. There weren't any pics of my granddaughters that showed up so I didn't miss that, it was just the statements that I just didn't want to see any more, didn't want to see all those feel good things from people any more, I just felt like putting something on there that would have popped everyones bubble! I restrained myself and didn't but I sure did want too. There have been soooooo many times that I have wanted to say something smart on Facebook just out of frustration and/or anger but I have restrained myself. I wish, sometimes, that I wasn't such a "nice" person because I just want to let loose but Facebook just isn't the forum for that and I know that, plus I really wouldn't accomplish anything other than a lot of angry people.
I really hate what goes on inside my head sometimes. Sometimes, I just hate thinking because I just don't like all of the different things that I think about. Sometimes the thoughts are negative, sometimes they are about money(that is never a good thing to dwell on), then of course there is my son and the reason I am working so crazily on the last box. The design of which looks pretty darn good, on the bottom and will be the top. I just don't know what to do, how to think, yes I know God is my Rock, I do believe that, yet that doesn't negate the struggle that still goes on in my mind. God's Word says that He will be with me thru the struggle. Meaning that life as a believer will be tough but He will with us thru the storm. Therefore, I am still very much a human being that still struggles and just because I have chosen to believe in Jesus doesn't mean that my life is a piece of cake, far from it.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Not a Great Day
12/25/14 -- I woke up bright and early this morning with no particular reason other than I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. This is Christmas Morning and I am not spending it with my family! How depressing is that?! Sure I put the request in several weeks ago, but all I could do is request, the last gift isn't even completed. Albeit simpler than the first one, not completed. I haven't received any word from either one of them, which would have been nice to hear something. I woke up at like 4:20am fed the cats, figuring I would avoid any possible kitty messes, even though I hid the loose toilet paper in the little medicine cabinet to avoid any more mischievousness from ms Penni.
I know there a lot of people that are reading this that are feeling some of the same things that I am right now. (Possibly) This past week has been nothing but a struggle, with being laid off and all, being alone. Being alone, really sucks! Yes, I so have 2 cats but they aren't human so therefore I can't really talked to them. I have had a friend offer to allow me to go with her to her mom's place for a day but with being sick, I turned her down for yesterday, but will take her up on it tomorrow possibly, as long all goes well and I don't get any surprises. I worked on this for awhile, took a shower then decided it was time to work on the keepsake box, for my middle granddaughter.
I gotta tell ya, this cold or whatever I have or had had kinda put a damper on things. I was kinda hoping to do something with my friend L and her husband, but even tho I am not coughing anywhere near what I was, I do still have a sore spot in my throat and my voice is going in and out. That is the really bizarre thing. So, given that little complication I decided against going with her tomorrow on the premise that I am planning on talking to the Dr.'s office, altho I am seriously doubting on the idea of getting in to see him. I heard nothing from my son, which really is sucky! I didn't spend too much time on Facebook today just because I am a little too jealous of the people on there right now and I don't want to be in tears, altho I am sure I will be there sooner or later.
This has to be the worst day ever, for me! Not a single one of my friends bothered to call or texted to see how I was doing, altho, somehow I don't blame them just because it would be depressing. Being alone, no one to talk to and having no one to spend the day with, or even just a couple of hours with just really sucks. Not to mention the fact, that I don't have that much food in my house, thawed or to actually to work with, really super, duper sucks. Luckily for me, I did/do have a project that is keeping me busy, plus I do have several other things that I plan on making, out of the plastic canvas.
I am feeling myself wanting to do more of the plastic canvas, I have a couple of ideas to give to my "girl friends". I have something that I want to make for my orthopedic surgeon's daughter, another wedding gift (keepsake box-similar to one I have already made), then some special stuff boxes for another set of special girls. I do have ways of keeping myself busy, but I can't keep out of my mind.
I know there a lot of people that are reading this that are feeling some of the same things that I am right now. (Possibly) This past week has been nothing but a struggle, with being laid off and all, being alone. Being alone, really sucks! Yes, I so have 2 cats but they aren't human so therefore I can't really talked to them. I have had a friend offer to allow me to go with her to her mom's place for a day but with being sick, I turned her down for yesterday, but will take her up on it tomorrow possibly, as long all goes well and I don't get any surprises. I worked on this for awhile, took a shower then decided it was time to work on the keepsake box, for my middle granddaughter.
I gotta tell ya, this cold or whatever I have or had had kinda put a damper on things. I was kinda hoping to do something with my friend L and her husband, but even tho I am not coughing anywhere near what I was, I do still have a sore spot in my throat and my voice is going in and out. That is the really bizarre thing. So, given that little complication I decided against going with her tomorrow on the premise that I am planning on talking to the Dr.'s office, altho I am seriously doubting on the idea of getting in to see him. I heard nothing from my son, which really is sucky! I didn't spend too much time on Facebook today just because I am a little too jealous of the people on there right now and I don't want to be in tears, altho I am sure I will be there sooner or later.
This has to be the worst day ever, for me! Not a single one of my friends bothered to call or texted to see how I was doing, altho, somehow I don't blame them just because it would be depressing. Being alone, no one to talk to and having no one to spend the day with, or even just a couple of hours with just really sucks. Not to mention the fact, that I don't have that much food in my house, thawed or to actually to work with, really super, duper sucks. Luckily for me, I did/do have a project that is keeping me busy, plus I do have several other things that I plan on making, out of the plastic canvas.
I am feeling myself wanting to do more of the plastic canvas, I have a couple of ideas to give to my "girl friends". I have something that I want to make for my orthopedic surgeon's daughter, another wedding gift (keepsake box-similar to one I have already made), then some special stuff boxes for another set of special girls. I do have ways of keeping myself busy, but I can't keep out of my mind.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Counselor visits and Current Day
12/17/14 -- [sept.-oct.] - My trips to the counselor are always entertaining. He starts of with a video from his laptop to make me laugh, or he ends with a video to make me laugh. He is always interested what I am doing to help myself to do better. The man is great a catching subtle changes in my facial expressions. Whenever he sees a change he stops me and wants to know what I am thinking at the moment of the change. So, then I have to back up and explain, of course then he takes me down a road that I never intended to go. Usually, I end up in tears, which is fine because it's necessary that he makes connections that I didn't think to make. Those connections help him and myself to understand more of why I am the way I am and/or why I responded the I did to what my son has done.
In one of our sessions, I asked J why this rejection hurt so much more than when his dad rejected me? Basically, he put it this way. "You carried him for nine months, you took care of him for twenty years, you can't get much closer than that." That is very true. When you are that close to someone the rejection hurts that much worse.
12-23-14 - current day- I have been layed off and so without a laptop which makes (I had been making use of my bosses laptop while coaching his son thru school time)typing a challenge, not impossible with an iPad. Plus, I have been very focused on getting Christmas gifts made for my older granddaughters, even tho I don't know for sure that I will be able to give them to them let alone see them open them, in person. Today, I received a gift to myself. A result of probably doing something a little on the stupid side, by stretching my budget a smidgen too far; at this particular time. This is just any laptop either, my son would be proud of my, if he knew what kind of laptop I currently have. It was everything I could do to put this down to resume working on my gifts. Not only that but I have been battling a stupid cough, something way more than asthma, something going on in my throat. My ribs hurt with all this ridiculous coughing I have been doing. Anyway.
This is the first time that this time of year is something that I am not sure whether I am looking forward to or not. Quite a few people I know a pretty sick, including my daughter in-law. It almost sounds like Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate, should be cancelled or rescheduled til everyone is heathy. Even the Pastor fell sick the middle of last week and is still pretty sick.
In one of our sessions, I asked J why this rejection hurt so much more than when his dad rejected me? Basically, he put it this way. "You carried him for nine months, you took care of him for twenty years, you can't get much closer than that." That is very true. When you are that close to someone the rejection hurts that much worse.
12-23-14 - current day- I have been layed off and so without a laptop which makes (I had been making use of my bosses laptop while coaching his son thru school time)typing a challenge, not impossible with an iPad. Plus, I have been very focused on getting Christmas gifts made for my older granddaughters, even tho I don't know for sure that I will be able to give them to them let alone see them open them, in person. Today, I received a gift to myself. A result of probably doing something a little on the stupid side, by stretching my budget a smidgen too far; at this particular time. This is just any laptop either, my son would be proud of my, if he knew what kind of laptop I currently have. It was everything I could do to put this down to resume working on my gifts. Not only that but I have been battling a stupid cough, something way more than asthma, something going on in my throat. My ribs hurt with all this ridiculous coughing I have been doing. Anyway.
This is the first time that this time of year is something that I am not sure whether I am looking forward to or not. Quite a few people I know a pretty sick, including my daughter in-law. It almost sounds like Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate, should be cancelled or rescheduled til everyone is heathy. Even the Pastor fell sick the middle of last week and is still pretty sick.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Trying to Move on
12/12/14 -- {Sept.- Oct.} Throughout this headache process, friend D suggested I try going to a different church, namely one that I was already familiar with. So, after consulting with friend P, I relented and went to church, with friend D, on Sunday. Boy, let me tell you, that was the best decision I ever made, or should I say, obeyed. It was as if I should have been there. It was great! The worship was awesome! There was one specific song that was meant for me! Then, the special speaker couldn't even speak what he had until he spoke what he believed God wanted him to say. Boy, that was directed right at me, WOW! Unfortunately, because I rode with someone and she was pretty much ready to go right after church, I couldn't talk to the man afterwards. I came away from that church service actually feeling so much better than I usually do.
Before I left tho, I did make contact with one of the Pastors' wives, because I just really felt like I needed to speak with someone who I believed would truly help me one step more than the other Pastors have, nothing against them. Some Pastors are gifted in areas where others are not, this Pastor and wife are gifted in area where the Pastor is not, that is a good thing.
I attend this other church a second time before being able to meet with this other Pastor and wife. I touched base with this other Pastor's wife and we scheduled a meeting for Monday evening right after work. This meeting turned out to be the best thing that I could have ever done. I came away from that meeting hungry, I hadn't eaten anything since lunch but wasn't hungry til after the meeting, feeling so much better. I hadn't realized how much bitterness and anger I was actually holding onto, not anymore, after that meeting. They lead me some prayers and they prayed over me and my son, not to mention, the situation. They also agreed that it is a good idea that I not go back to the other church, til I felt a release from God. Again, I must reinterate that I am not preaching here, this is what is getting me thru this mess. I must stress that we all need someone to come along side us to help us and we all believe in something or someone. Even for those who don't believe in anything or anyone you still need a support system, a circle of friends that you can depend on when you are at your lowest, to be there to pick you up. Also, you need someone outside the situation, like a counselor, who can give you good sound advice and possibly help you to resolve it. I honestly don't know what I would have don't with my friends. People who are willing to go to bat for me and with me, pray with me, listen to me even when I cry on the phone.
Then there are my cats - I just love my cats. Even tho they are no substitute for a human being, it is nice to to have someone to come home to. They need me, don't argue, love on me, annoy me, purr and just all around make it pleasant to be home. However, they are not a substitute for human contact or my granddaughters. The other thing that makes all this tough; is being single. Singleness just isn't for everyone, and it isn't for me. Altho, I haven't had much luck in finding anyone, not that I have been searching. I don't search for men, I am letting God do the bring us together.
I attend this other church a second time before being able to meet with this other Pastor and wife. I touched base with this other Pastor's wife and we scheduled a meeting for Monday evening right after work. This meeting turned out to be the best thing that I could have ever done. I came away from that meeting hungry, I hadn't eaten anything since lunch but wasn't hungry til after the meeting, feeling so much better. I hadn't realized how much bitterness and anger I was actually holding onto, not anymore, after that meeting. They lead me some prayers and they prayed over me and my son, not to mention, the situation. They also agreed that it is a good idea that I not go back to the other church, til I felt a release from God. Again, I must reinterate that I am not preaching here, this is what is getting me thru this mess. I must stress that we all need someone to come along side us to help us and we all believe in something or someone. Even for those who don't believe in anything or anyone you still need a support system, a circle of friends that you can depend on when you are at your lowest, to be there to pick you up. Also, you need someone outside the situation, like a counselor, who can give you good sound advice and possibly help you to resolve it. I honestly don't know what I would have don't with my friends. People who are willing to go to bat for me and with me, pray with me, listen to me even when I cry on the phone.
Then there are my cats - I just love my cats. Even tho they are no substitute for a human being, it is nice to to have someone to come home to. They need me, don't argue, love on me, annoy me, purr and just all around make it pleasant to be home. However, they are not a substitute for human contact or my granddaughters. The other thing that makes all this tough; is being single. Singleness just isn't for everyone, and it isn't for me. Altho, I haven't had much luck in finding anyone, not that I have been searching. I don't search for men, I am letting God do the bring us together.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Serious migraine story
12/10/14 -- {Sept.- Oct.} This headache was unlike anything that I had every experienced, in my life. I have a high pain tolerance but when it comes to a headache, that is a whole other story. When I have a headache, that has to be GONE, like yesterday! I just can't handle headaches, much at all, especially the ones that I get. They seem to be pretty intense. Well, this one was the most intense that I have experienced! When I am light headed and my balance is very off, that is a problem. My friend D came and took me to the emergency room, she even called from her car, to have a nurse come out with a wheelchair, to wheel me in; which was a good idea. I only had to answer a few questions then they wheeled me right back to a room. I had given D my boss's number so she could call to let him know that I wouldn't be into work that day and why.
In the meantime, I was in a room getting questioned and examined by a nurse then a doctor. They first tried a pain medication that I have taken, "norco" before, they gave it about an hour or so, plus an ct scan was done, since that had already been ordered and approved by Dr. S and insurance. The trip to the ct room was a rather dizzying experience, literally! They had to slide me off the bed onto the table then back onto the bed, after the ct scan because I was afraid that I would pass out! Once I was returned to my room, the Pastor showed up. I had texted him to let hm know where I was but didn't expected him to show up! I was surprised, he prayed with me then moved on to go visit someone upstairs. Right before he left, my attending doctor come running in because he heard about my dizzying experience to and from the ct scan. Again, he tested me for stroke, then left me alone for a little while. Then the Pastor left. A little while later the attending doctor came in and did another assessment and decided to give an IV with fluids and included a narcotic to nock down the headache. That is exactly what it took, a narcotic to nock it back plus I was given something for my interpretation of dizziness. I was in the ER for 6 hours just to figure things out and get the headache under control.
In the meantime, I was in a room getting questioned and examined by a nurse then a doctor. They first tried a pain medication that I have taken, "norco" before, they gave it about an hour or so, plus an ct scan was done, since that had already been ordered and approved by Dr. S and insurance. The trip to the ct room was a rather dizzying experience, literally! They had to slide me off the bed onto the table then back onto the bed, after the ct scan because I was afraid that I would pass out! Once I was returned to my room, the Pastor showed up. I had texted him to let hm know where I was but didn't expected him to show up! I was surprised, he prayed with me then moved on to go visit someone upstairs. Right before he left, my attending doctor come running in because he heard about my dizzying experience to and from the ct scan. Again, he tested me for stroke, then left me alone for a little while. Then the Pastor left. A little while later the attending doctor came in and did another assessment and decided to give an IV with fluids and included a narcotic to nock down the headache. That is exactly what it took, a narcotic to nock it back plus I was given something for my interpretation of dizziness. I was in the ER for 6 hours just to figure things out and get the headache under control.
D took me home after taking me for lunch and making sure I was going to be ok. I did end up with a script for Meclizine to take of the dizziness that seems to be accompaning this headache.
I did see Dr. S who ordered an MRI after getting approval because that can see thing the ct scan can see of the brain, just to rule out a stroke in a part of the brain unseen by the ct scan or a tumor or something. The MRI did come out negative which means that this is an accumulative stress related headache(in my mind). Dr. S really didn't say yay or nay to that but he didn't have any other explanation but he was trying to help me come up with solutions to relieve the pain. We came up with immitrex for quick relief but then he wanted me to consider Topamax-he gave me the run down on the side effects, one of which struck me as funny, yet kinda scared me. I discussed this with D but she vehemently against it (the nurse part of her) I check it out for myself. I prayed about it and sought out council just to be sure I was on the right path because I just could deal with the pain and I knew I couldn't be continue taking immitrex. Topamax is migraine preventer once it is in your system and the side effects subside one it's in your system.
I am taking the Topamax which has really help to relieve the headache, the only time it doesn't seem to help is when stress is higher than normal. That stress level has only happened once, that was the day of my baby granddaughter's 1st birthday party. I never suffered any of the negative side effects to which I am very thankful.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
The Continued Struggle
12/8/14 -- {Aug.- Sept.} Please forgive me, I am not going to specifically date things any more, because I don't want it to seem like I am writing a journal or something.
There was a point when I emailed the Pastor and requested that he called me, at the place where I work, I provided him with the landline number, because cell service is rather scetchy, especially the calling aspect. The Pastor did call and we talked for a while, I was discussing my issues with not being able to concentrate on reading the Bible, which to me is important for me to be able to do, I was having problems with focusing on the daily reading plan. I just couldn't focus on anything that I was reading. He gave me some suggestions and offered to allow me to borrow his topic Bible. The Topic Bible has things organized according to topics, major topics. The Pastor was very helpful, encouraging and calming as we talked. He said that it was perfectly normal and ok to be unable to focus on a large group of scriptures at once. He suggested take a topic, then a scripture, then a verse or two and meditate or think on that a while. That was a great suggestion and one that I planned on putting into practice. I did stop by the Pastor's house and pick up his Topic Bible and used it for several months.
In case you are wondering, my boss really didn't know what was going on. I did a good job of keeping things under wraps, from him, what was going on. I really didn't want him to be concerned while I was going thru all of this. It wasn't the work time that I had any issues, it was the times that I would be on the way home from work, then once I was home that the battle was on. I would take the little man with me to my therapy sessions, he would waiting room, and watch tv while I was talking with either Dr. J or J. B. However, my boss does now know what the therapy sessions are about, altho he has no idea how serious things were in July, that is something that he most likely will never know, it is just something that isn't necessary for him to know.
I am totally amazed at how much of a struggle it is to maintain an even keel. I am so grateful for the few selected friends that were, still are, available to me when I need extra help, prayer, and encouragement. I would like to remind anyone reading this, it doesn't matter your "religious" background when you are in a dark, dark place you need people around you to help you thru, up and out of the dark [for me hole] People that you can call or text whenever and say, hey I struggling with ??? or ??? and they are willing to just listen and encourage, validate your feelings and even allow you to cry on the phone. You even need someone that is willing to come to your place of residence and stop you from doing something stupid, if they sense that in your voice, but they know you well enough that you really don't want to do that thing. Let's face it, none of us who, are faced with the reality of suicide, don't really want to die, not truly, in our hearts. I didn't. There has been at least 2 occasions where someone came to my apt and just listened to me, cried with me and yes prayed with me, {if the pray thing isn't for you then that won't happen, obviously} Yet, sometimes, you might be surprised at yourself, when you are in that place where you see nothing else.
There were a couple more pretty decent hurdles that I viewed, coming up, that I just wasn't sure about, a wedding that I was asked to help in the reception, and a birthday party that I was struggling with not getting my hopes tooooooo high in getting invited to; my baby granddaughter's first birthday party. Of all the big days in her life, that is one that I definitely wanted to be apart of. Talk about a struggle! Most people have no idea how hard it is to NOT have any expectations! It is really hard to not expect to bet invited to the one thing that you REEEEAAALLLLY want/need to be invited to - you should be there and everyone that is in the know, knows you should be there.
While all of this is mulling around in my head, I get struck with this unbelievable headache, that just wouldn't go away, no matter what I did. I dealt with it the best I could for about a week, even communicating with my PCP (primary care physician) who, after a visit to his office had ordered an CT scan to on my brain to check my brain for clots and such but said not use unless necessary. In the mean time he had put in a request in the insurance company, unknown to me at the time. Well, by Thursday of that week (this was Sept 19) when I woke up for work, I just couldn't handle it any more. By the time it was about time for work I ended up calling my friend D, who just happened to pick up her phone, and asked her to take me to the ER. The headache was so intense that I was dizzy and I just couldn't go to work, I just was sooooo miserable.
There was a point when I emailed the Pastor and requested that he called me, at the place where I work, I provided him with the landline number, because cell service is rather scetchy, especially the calling aspect. The Pastor did call and we talked for a while, I was discussing my issues with not being able to concentrate on reading the Bible, which to me is important for me to be able to do, I was having problems with focusing on the daily reading plan. I just couldn't focus on anything that I was reading. He gave me some suggestions and offered to allow me to borrow his topic Bible. The Topic Bible has things organized according to topics, major topics. The Pastor was very helpful, encouraging and calming as we talked. He said that it was perfectly normal and ok to be unable to focus on a large group of scriptures at once. He suggested take a topic, then a scripture, then a verse or two and meditate or think on that a while. That was a great suggestion and one that I planned on putting into practice. I did stop by the Pastor's house and pick up his Topic Bible and used it for several months.
In case you are wondering, my boss really didn't know what was going on. I did a good job of keeping things under wraps, from him, what was going on. I really didn't want him to be concerned while I was going thru all of this. It wasn't the work time that I had any issues, it was the times that I would be on the way home from work, then once I was home that the battle was on. I would take the little man with me to my therapy sessions, he would waiting room, and watch tv while I was talking with either Dr. J or J. B. However, my boss does now know what the therapy sessions are about, altho he has no idea how serious things were in July, that is something that he most likely will never know, it is just something that isn't necessary for him to know.
I am totally amazed at how much of a struggle it is to maintain an even keel. I am so grateful for the few selected friends that were, still are, available to me when I need extra help, prayer, and encouragement. I would like to remind anyone reading this, it doesn't matter your "religious" background when you are in a dark, dark place you need people around you to help you thru, up and out of the dark [for me hole] People that you can call or text whenever and say, hey I struggling with ??? or ??? and they are willing to just listen and encourage, validate your feelings and even allow you to cry on the phone. You even need someone that is willing to come to your place of residence and stop you from doing something stupid, if they sense that in your voice, but they know you well enough that you really don't want to do that thing. Let's face it, none of us who, are faced with the reality of suicide, don't really want to die, not truly, in our hearts. I didn't. There has been at least 2 occasions where someone came to my apt and just listened to me, cried with me and yes prayed with me, {if the pray thing isn't for you then that won't happen, obviously} Yet, sometimes, you might be surprised at yourself, when you are in that place where you see nothing else.
There were a couple more pretty decent hurdles that I viewed, coming up, that I just wasn't sure about, a wedding that I was asked to help in the reception, and a birthday party that I was struggling with not getting my hopes tooooooo high in getting invited to; my baby granddaughter's first birthday party. Of all the big days in her life, that is one that I definitely wanted to be apart of. Talk about a struggle! Most people have no idea how hard it is to NOT have any expectations! It is really hard to not expect to bet invited to the one thing that you REEEEAAALLLLY want/need to be invited to - you should be there and everyone that is in the know, knows you should be there.
While all of this is mulling around in my head, I get struck with this unbelievable headache, that just wouldn't go away, no matter what I did. I dealt with it the best I could for about a week, even communicating with my PCP (primary care physician) who, after a visit to his office had ordered an CT scan to on my brain to check my brain for clots and such but said not use unless necessary. In the mean time he had put in a request in the insurance company, unknown to me at the time. Well, by Thursday of that week (this was Sept 19) when I woke up for work, I just couldn't handle it any more. By the time it was about time for work I ended up calling my friend D, who just happened to pick up her phone, and asked her to take me to the ER. The headache was so intense that I was dizzy and I just couldn't go to work, I just was sooooo miserable.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Continuing on
12/4/14 -- {8/3/14} I did manage to do to church but not without much struggle which again has become the norm for me. I had texted friend L because she always encourages me despite the fact we go to different services depending on whether she works or not. She does wait around to see me when she does work, to make sure we connect.
I was really struggling with the way the I was feeling during the reception last night. I really struggled with seeing my son and not him not even speaking to me, not treating me with any kind of respect. I did go to church, the 10:30am service, cafe' in different part of the building altho, my daughter in-law, was making an effort to allow me to see my baby granddaughter. she sought me out and allowed me to hold the little cutie. There were a number of different times that I was able to see my baby granddaughter either because she sought me out or because I found her in the bathroom, or something along that line. The problem was that I just couldn't go up to them and give them hugs or hold her, anytime that I did that I was turned away, which was embarrassing. I quit doing that! It was hurtful and just wrong for him to say that I couldn't hold my baby granddaughter! It just became a battle for me to go to church every single sunday even tho I was going to a different service even a different time, the problem was I never really knew when they were going to be on the worship team. Whenever they were on the worship team they were at the church all day, which really made it difficult.
I went into the cafe' service, got my coffee and sat down. I did my best to focus on the worship and the true reason that I was suppose to be there. That was really difficult. I am really surprised at how difficult it was for me to hone in on the worship. I don't really remember the message that was preached either and that is really just as pathetic, yet not really considering the frame of mind I was in. I just couldn't concentrate on much of anything at time. My mind was still on last night and how my son barely acknowledged that I was there. I know that I went for Jon and Claire not for any other reason but given all that I was dealing with that is what I was struggling with. So, that afternoon, I sent a text to the Pastor, who didn't get back to as quickly as I really wanted him to but I did remember him saying something about working on him roof. He did call me later that night and we talked for awhile, he was very helpful and calming to listen to. I was able to go to sleep, he was ok even allowing me to cry on the phone, the Pastor is so cool, and so understanding. After talking to the Pastor I was able to go to sleep, sort of.
I was really struggling with the way the I was feeling during the reception last night. I really struggled with seeing my son and not him not even speaking to me, not treating me with any kind of respect. I did go to church, the 10:30am service, cafe' in different part of the building altho, my daughter in-law, was making an effort to allow me to see my baby granddaughter. she sought me out and allowed me to hold the little cutie. There were a number of different times that I was able to see my baby granddaughter either because she sought me out or because I found her in the bathroom, or something along that line. The problem was that I just couldn't go up to them and give them hugs or hold her, anytime that I did that I was turned away, which was embarrassing. I quit doing that! It was hurtful and just wrong for him to say that I couldn't hold my baby granddaughter! It just became a battle for me to go to church every single sunday even tho I was going to a different service even a different time, the problem was I never really knew when they were going to be on the worship team. Whenever they were on the worship team they were at the church all day, which really made it difficult.
I went into the cafe' service, got my coffee and sat down. I did my best to focus on the worship and the true reason that I was suppose to be there. That was really difficult. I am really surprised at how difficult it was for me to hone in on the worship. I don't really remember the message that was preached either and that is really just as pathetic, yet not really considering the frame of mind I was in. I just couldn't concentrate on much of anything at time. My mind was still on last night and how my son barely acknowledged that I was there. I know that I went for Jon and Claire not for any other reason but given all that I was dealing with that is what I was struggling with. So, that afternoon, I sent a text to the Pastor, who didn't get back to as quickly as I really wanted him to but I did remember him saying something about working on him roof. He did call me later that night and we talked for awhile, he was very helpful and calming to listen to. I was able to go to sleep, he was ok even allowing me to cry on the phone, the Pastor is so cool, and so understanding. After talking to the Pastor I was able to go to sleep, sort of.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Continuing On
12/3/14 -- [8/2/14] The wedding that I was personally invited to was beautiful. It awesome to see this young man happy. I was totally surprised to see that he found someone so quickly but God works mysteriously and it was great that there was distance between them because if it wasn't meant to be then that was the test, as to whether the relationship was meant to be or not. I was glad to be there, yet not so much, because of my son. On the one hand it was kind of torture to be at the reception and I was glad when the people that I rode with were ready to go. When I got home, I just broke down, I was so exhausted and relieved to be home.
Being alone really sucks, having no one in my apartment to discuss things with is really annoying and drives me crazy because it makes it so much harder to get all this crap out. I have done a lot of crying, to the point that I am getting tired of crying. I really can't believe that one person can cause so much pain in another person. When I got married then divorced from my son's dad, I never imagined that his dad would me cause so much pain. I never imagined that the man I thought had loved me so much would hurt me in the way that he did.
Then to have our son, turn around and do the same thing, the difference being that our son and I were much closer, our relationship was much better, at least I thought it was. Apparently, that had no bearing on how he is treating me right now. The way he is acting is a 180 degree difference from the young man that came back from YWAM let alone from the young man that I raised. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that this person who is treating me with such disrespect and rejection is my son, the child that I gave birth to and raised! I am telling you, emotional pain is quite different than physical pain. I can handle physical pain a heck of a whole lot better than this emotional pain. (with exception to headaches) This emotional pain really makes me want to run for the hills! Or, in many cases take your own life, like I once seriously thought about, at this point I was still thinking about, on occasion. I can totally understand how you can get lost in the pain and see no other avenue but taking your own life. Once that door is opened it is super duper hard to close it again on your own. Now, for me the suicidal thoughts I was having terrified me into getting help. Unfortunately or fortunately [however you look at it] I didn't go to my friends first. I went to my doctor, who referred me to the behavioral health department of the clinic, then I reached out to my friends, BUT an extremely small circle of friends to start with. I was surprised to find out that some of these friends had also dealt with the same issues that I was dealing with.
I think, at first I was either ashamed or uncomfortable with going to my friends, not sure which, hence the reason I went to my doctor. At least I went to somebody, truth be told, I really didn't want to die.
Being alone really sucks, having no one in my apartment to discuss things with is really annoying and drives me crazy because it makes it so much harder to get all this crap out. I have done a lot of crying, to the point that I am getting tired of crying. I really can't believe that one person can cause so much pain in another person. When I got married then divorced from my son's dad, I never imagined that his dad would me cause so much pain. I never imagined that the man I thought had loved me so much would hurt me in the way that he did.
Then to have our son, turn around and do the same thing, the difference being that our son and I were much closer, our relationship was much better, at least I thought it was. Apparently, that had no bearing on how he is treating me right now. The way he is acting is a 180 degree difference from the young man that came back from YWAM let alone from the young man that I raised. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that this person who is treating me with such disrespect and rejection is my son, the child that I gave birth to and raised! I am telling you, emotional pain is quite different than physical pain. I can handle physical pain a heck of a whole lot better than this emotional pain. (with exception to headaches) This emotional pain really makes me want to run for the hills! Or, in many cases take your own life, like I once seriously thought about, at this point I was still thinking about, on occasion. I can totally understand how you can get lost in the pain and see no other avenue but taking your own life. Once that door is opened it is super duper hard to close it again on your own. Now, for me the suicidal thoughts I was having terrified me into getting help. Unfortunately or fortunately [however you look at it] I didn't go to my friends first. I went to my doctor, who referred me to the behavioral health department of the clinic, then I reached out to my friends, BUT an extremely small circle of friends to start with. I was surprised to find out that some of these friends had also dealt with the same issues that I was dealing with.
I think, at first I was either ashamed or uncomfortable with going to my friends, not sure which, hence the reason I went to my doctor. At least I went to somebody, truth be told, I really didn't want to die.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Such a Difficult Time
12/2/14 -- {7/23/14} This was the start of an interesting series of days, I think. Still working on getting out of this hole, still trying to process so much stuff, that it's unreal. My friend D requested that I make a door hanger that said "do not disturb" so that when she is napping or something she can put it on her door knob and she won't be bothered by people in her apt building.
Sometime during the day I received surprise text from a young friend of my son's who I had developed a special friendship with, who was getting married, soon. I had resigned myself to the idea that i wasn't going to the wedding or the reception, after all, I hadn't received an invitation. Well, he text to seriously apologize for not making sure that i received one and he wanted to personally deliver an invitation himself, so we set up a time for him and his finance' to do that. That really made me feel good. So, then of course I had to go shopping for a wedding gift for them, first time I had ever done that. I took a young M with me to do that. I saw the next bride's mom at the store and we discussed colors of yarn because I already knew what I was going to make the next bride and her hubby to be for their wedding gift, and it had to do with their favorite colors.
Little miss M persuaded me to purchase this awesome multicolored zebra print bigger couch pillow to brighten up my living room, after we were done shopping I took her home, then I went home. The next day, I ended up going back to the store, in the morning to purchase another pillow, had to have two. (Now, one of my cats has claimed one of them as his to sleep on) They are nice and soft, quite cuddly.
I did go to the wedding and reception later that day, which was nice. However, I had a difficult time at the reception because my son barely acknowledged my existence. It was extremely difficult to see him having so much fun with his friends and not at least stopping to say "hi" to me. My son was in the bridal party which made it a guarantee that I would see him. I was glad to leave when the Hauris were ready to go.
I totally struggled with a lot of emotions during the past week and ongoing weeks. The digesting of info and suggestions from the counselor, and Pastors, even the Psychiatrist. Even the whole idea that I have to go to see a therapist is one for me to digest. I just never in a million years, thought I would be having to see one. The one thing that I really struggled with is missing my baby granddaughter, well all 3 of them, but the baby for sure: because I wanted to have a chance to watch her grow up and for her to know me as her grandma. (maybe even her favorite grandma) Honestly, I am missing my son, going from being so close to having absolutely no relationship is a major loss to me. This does feel like a loss, it may not be an actual loss, like permanently gone, but it's a loss nonetheless. What makes this so extremely difficult is the fact that they are in Monroe and (in my mind) there is no excuse as to why we can't resolve things. No excuse other than his stubbornness.
Sometime during the day I received surprise text from a young friend of my son's who I had developed a special friendship with, who was getting married, soon. I had resigned myself to the idea that i wasn't going to the wedding or the reception, after all, I hadn't received an invitation. Well, he text to seriously apologize for not making sure that i received one and he wanted to personally deliver an invitation himself, so we set up a time for him and his finance' to do that. That really made me feel good. So, then of course I had to go shopping for a wedding gift for them, first time I had ever done that. I took a young M with me to do that. I saw the next bride's mom at the store and we discussed colors of yarn because I already knew what I was going to make the next bride and her hubby to be for their wedding gift, and it had to do with their favorite colors.
Little miss M persuaded me to purchase this awesome multicolored zebra print bigger couch pillow to brighten up my living room, after we were done shopping I took her home, then I went home. The next day, I ended up going back to the store, in the morning to purchase another pillow, had to have two. (Now, one of my cats has claimed one of them as his to sleep on) They are nice and soft, quite cuddly.
I did go to the wedding and reception later that day, which was nice. However, I had a difficult time at the reception because my son barely acknowledged my existence. It was extremely difficult to see him having so much fun with his friends and not at least stopping to say "hi" to me. My son was in the bridal party which made it a guarantee that I would see him. I was glad to leave when the Hauris were ready to go.
I totally struggled with a lot of emotions during the past week and ongoing weeks. The digesting of info and suggestions from the counselor, and Pastors, even the Psychiatrist. Even the whole idea that I have to go to see a therapist is one for me to digest. I just never in a million years, thought I would be having to see one. The one thing that I really struggled with is missing my baby granddaughter, well all 3 of them, but the baby for sure: because I wanted to have a chance to watch her grow up and for her to know me as her grandma. (maybe even her favorite grandma) Honestly, I am missing my son, going from being so close to having absolutely no relationship is a major loss to me. This does feel like a loss, it may not be an actual loss, like permanently gone, but it's a loss nonetheless. What makes this so extremely difficult is the fact that they are in Monroe and (in my mind) there is no excuse as to why we can't resolve things. No excuse other than his stubbornness.
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