Post Holiday

12/26/14 -- Yesterday was really rather a lousy day for me. For a combination of reasons.  Somehow I managed to catch a cold, that didn't get too bad, however, it was a strange cold in that it has ended up affecting my voice.  I pretty much have been held up in my apartment and not around too many people and yet I have managed to get a cold.  I haven't felt too bad, but I just can't talk much, my voice just comes in and out and isn't very strong.  Then there is my son, who didn't really bother to contact me in any way shape or form.  I stayed off Facebook for the most part, yesterday just because I was really have a difficult time staying out of the "pity party" mode.
   My therapist J says that everyone has a pile of crap but the key is what you do with that pile.  Depression to me is where you somehow end up dwelling in the "pile" of crap and you don't even realize it.  That is so true.  I am now aware of the "pile of crap" and there are days where is it a constant battle to not dwell in the "pile of crap".  Yesterday definitely was one of those days where it was one of those days where is was difficult to stay away.  I caught myself wanting to cry, not that that would have been a bad thing, but I just didn't want to do that right then and there.  As I was working on the Special Stuff Box for my middle granddaughter, there were so many things running thru my mind, so many things.  Things like, why am I doing this?, What is the point? nobody cares, my son doesn't care.  There were so many times that I had to dispel those thoughts with other thoughts that is why had to stop checking Facebook, so often.  There weren't any pics of my granddaughters that showed up so I didn't miss that, it was just the statements that I just didn't want to  see any more, didn't want to see all those feel good things from people any more, I just felt like putting something on there that would have popped everyones bubble!  I restrained myself and didn't but I sure did want too.  There have been soooooo many times that I have wanted to say something smart on Facebook just out of frustration and/or anger but I have restrained myself.  I wish, sometimes, that I wasn't such a "nice" person because I just want to let loose but Facebook just isn't the forum for that and I know that, plus I really wouldn't accomplish anything other than a lot of angry people.
  I really hate what goes on inside my head sometimes.  Sometimes, I just hate thinking because I just don't like all of the different things that I think about.  Sometimes the thoughts are negative, sometimes they are about money(that is never a good thing to dwell on), then of course there is my son and the reason I am working so crazily on the last box.  The design of which looks pretty darn good, on the bottom and will be the top.  I just don't know what to do, how to think, yes I know God is my Rock, I do believe that, yet that doesn't negate the struggle that still goes on in my mind.  God's Word says that He will be with me thru the struggle. Meaning that life as a believer will be tough but He will with us thru the storm.  Therefore,  I am still very much a human being that still struggles and just because I have chosen to believe in Jesus doesn't mean that my life is a piece of cake, far from it.