Disappointed.....

12/27/16 -- So, this past weekend was a weekend when most people get together with family, with exception to me.
  I had put the invitation out to my son, to just simply stop by my place, for dessert, on Christmas day, for a non threatening visit.  I didn't even care if it was a short visit.  I know he saw the invitation but as per usual, he didn't respond.  I held out hope that they would stop by, altho I didn't have super high hopes.
  Then there was my boyfriend, of whom I was really hoping that he would make it down, in the afternoon.  At lunch time I texted him to see what it was looking like for him coming down, at that time he was running errand with his mom, apparently.
  Needless to say; I was disappointed on both fronts.  I knew by 6pm isn that my boyfriend wasn't coming and probably by around the same time for my son, too.  Both of them have a 3 hour drive.  So, as much as, I was trying not to have high hopes, I was pretty disappointed that none of them made it to see me.  I did have a meal after church, as usual.
  I even had a dream that my son and family stopped by, I asked if I could give my granddaughters the gifts that I have been holding for the last two christmases and he said yes.  Because of the dream, I was holding out some hope.  Yet, I was completely disappointed, however not too seriously.
  I extended a different invitation to my boyfriend for this coming weekend.  Hoping that maybe we can at least spend New Year's Eve together even if he has to be home the next day, at least then we will have spent some time together.
We will see, I guess.

More Wonderful Winter Weather

12/23/16 -- Here it is the eve, before Christmas Eve.  Now, me personally, I don't put too much effort in the this particular holiday because....well there are a number if different reasons that I don't and I don't know that I will go into all of them.  One reason is that I have always had cats and cats climb trees, and play with ornaments, so no trees.  Another reason is that I have never had the money to hog wild crazy on buying gifts for my son or anyone else.  The other reason has something to do with my personal beliefs.  Now, I have and will continue to be flexible for the benefit for my granddaughters despite the fact that my son does know and had agreed with me; til he got married and instantly had children.  Now, I am not going to tell anyone that they are right or wrong, this has been my personal belief.  
  There is one thing that my son and I did always do on the Christmas holiday, that was snack all day and watch parades and football.  We had our little tradition, and that is something that I will  always cherish.
  I know that I am in a relationship, but we are still living apart, we haven't been able to get much accomplished with him working so much and not being able to see each other for over a month and half.  Believe me when I say that I am, internally, going nuts!  I want so much to be with him, all the time.  Yet, here I am and he's 3 hours away, and working such ridiculously long hours.  He really has Sunday and even then it's not all to himself, he has to do reports that are needed for Monday. 
  This year the two holidays happen to fall on Sundays; for some reason that means that they will "observed" on the Monday after for some places.  BUT not for my man, he has to work.  Which truly sucks because it would have been nice to have him all to myself for a larger part of the weekend, if he can tear himself away from the "busyness" of work and have some R&R.
   Thankfully, the church that I attend is still doing things as they always do, have church and lunch after.  The full "christmas" dinner and I am making dessert.  I love making dessert.  I was given a bunch of chocolate which gave me the idea to really doctor up the brownies that I make.
  I would really love to spend some time with my granddaughters but I don't see that happening:  although I did "shoot" out an invitation for them to come to my place for dessert, on Sunday, just so I could see them, even for a little bit of time.  Now, I haven't heard anything back since I put the invitation forth but I am not completely surprised.

Here it is Again, Weather

12/16/16 -- So, it is snowing, again.  Thankfully, it is snowing Friday into Saturday which means that by Sunday, all should be pretty good, just freakin' cold.  That means that my boyfriend should be able to come to visit me.  He is working on coming on coming down on Sunday.   It has been over a month since the last time we've seen each other, it is actually driving us both nuts.  I have been in love before, but this time is so much different and I am loving every minute of it.  Oh ok, there is one part of this time of being in Love that I am not so much enjoying, and that is the fact that my sleep has been completely knocked for a loop.  I haven't had a completely good night sleep since the last time we were together.  The same has been going on for him, he hasn't slept all that well, either.  I have never experienced anything like this.  I love it, but this whole, not seeing each other, is driving me crazy.  The physical distance between us and his schedule just isn't fair.  I am not sure just how long I can stand this distance. 
  We have talked about marriage but of course, this whole distance (he was sick for about 3wks, then something else came up, then last weekend we had snow) is more difficult than I ever thought it would be.  I never expected the emotion that I have been feeling, him too, has just been drastically different and a yo-yo, for me.  He has been dealing with the same emotions.  I just can't believe that my sleep has been interrupted because of my love for him and my need for him to be close to me.  I almost can't wait to be with him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  
  I never expected that being in-love with someone, who is in-love with me just as much, would be like this.  I day dream about him, I think about him day in and day out.  I haven't dreamed about him, altho I have had a dream or two that has had him come across my mind.  Apparently, when I do sleep I have been in a deep sleep that I haven't remember very many of my dreams.  Yet, I do day dream about him all the time.  I have had many thoughts of what it would be like living with a man, sharing a bed with a man, something that I haven't done in over 20 years.  We haven't had much of an opportunity to get to know each other other than via texting.  That is fine but nothing replaces seeing each other face to face.
  I just can't believe how far I have come since July of 2014.  I hadn't had any man in my life, my life had been completely turned upside down to the point of wanting to commit suicide; to where I am now, in a serious relationship with a man that really does care about me, for who I am.  I, also, care about him just for who he is.  I want to give him the things that I can that he deserves.  As much as he wants to give me, I want to give him.  There are things that I want to do for him that I didn't do for my ex.  This man just blows my mind with the way he talks to me, sweet things, encouraging, and wonderful things.  He speaks words that my ex never spoke to me.  Sometimes, I feel like I have to pinch myself because it just doesn't seem real.  I never expected to fall in love, ever again.  Yet, here I am, in Love and wanting to be, feeling special and wanted.

This Weather!

12/9/16 -- Here it is December Tenth and we are getting a bunch of snow, sometime this afternoon, of course this is the weekend where it was looking pretty good that my man and I were going to see each there.  It's not snowing yet, but it is supposed to be supposed to be at some point, where I am.  It will start later where he lives but still, we are both hoping that the weather will be cooperative and allow us to be together.  We haven't been together for over a month now and it is driving us both crazy.  We both feel the same way as far as needing to see each other.
  I even mentioned that it will be so awesome to see each other that it will be difficult to control ourselves.  We love each other and miss each other so much that it is almost painful to be far but close to each yet weather can make it difficult to see each other.  It is bad enough that his job makes it difficult, period.
  I haven't felt like this for anyone, in my life.  I thought that I fell in love with my ex-husband.  However, the way that I feel about this wonderful man, is way so much different than the first man.  Also, he actually feels the same way about me, and my ex didn't feel the same way.  I can't even begin to explain what it mean for me to actually have a man that truly loves me for me.  I even let him know that, as far as, any kind of wedding, that I don't want a big wedding.  I told him that I would be happy with a courthouse marriage or a small, family and select friends wedding.  Thankfully, his is fine with that.  I told him because I wanted him to know that I understand that its difficult to get time off work.  Also, all I want to be is his wife, and the expense of a wedding doesn't really mean anything to me because in the end we will still be one as a couple.
  What is funny, I was at my friend's house, for Thanksgiving and her mother in-law was extremely insistent that she gets an invite to my wedding.  That then makes it very difficult to not have a wedding.  However, it really doesn't matter because if we decide to go to the courthouse, I kinda don't want to do that because I have someone in mind to officiate my wedding, no one will get to go except for two witnesses.
I haven't asked the person yet, simply because I haven't been purposed to, as of yet.  I am beyond excited for this.
     I have no idea when I will purposed to but I have been enjoying thinking about the different things that concern weddings.  I do know who I want to ask to officiate it but I have no idea where I want it to be held.  I do know that I don't want it at, what was my home church.  I am thinking that I want it at my current church, which is in a home; a really nice home and I think that it would be ok for the amount of people that could come to the wedding.

Song Lyrics

11/5/16 - For some reason I just feel like I have to actually type out the words to this song that I posted a little while ago.  These words truly speak to all that I went thru and how I was able to get out of the deep, dark hole of depression that I was in.

 "SHOULDERS"

When confusion's my companion

And despair hold me of ransom

I will feel no fear

I know that Your are near

When I'm caught deep in the valley

With chaos for my company

I'll find my comfort here

'Cause I know that You are near

My help comes from You

You're right here from You

You're right hear, pulling me through

You carry my weakness, my sickness,

my brokenness all on Your shoulders

Your shoulders

My help comes from You

You are my rest, my rescue

I don't have to see to believe that You're 

lifting me up on Your shoulders

Your shoulders

You mend what once was shattered

And You turn my tears to laughter

Your forgiveness is my fortress

Oh Your mercy is relentless

My help comes from You 

You're right here, pulling me through

You carry my weakness, my sickness,

my brokenness all on Your shoulders

Your shoulders

My help comes from You

You are my rest, my rescue

I don't have to see to believe that You're

lifting me up on Your shoulders

Your shoulders

My help is from You

Don't have to see it to believe it

My help is from you

Don't have to see, 'cause I know, 

'cause I know it's true

My help is from You 

Don't have to see it to believe it

My help is from you

Don't have to see it, 'cause I know

'cause I know it's true

  This song has become the "theme" I guess you could say, of the difficult season of my life.  The season of deep. dark, close to suicide that I was.  This song really helps me to see that God has always been with me.  God even carried me on His shoulders thru my weakness, sickness and most importantly thru my brokenness.  The beginning of this song starts with a scripture that is very familiar to me and it is Psalms 121:1-2.  I have really come to realize that all that darkness that I went thru will be used to help others, whether is thru this blog or those that I interact with on a daily basis.

  I have had some really good progress concerning my son.  I let him know that I am seeing someone and pretty much started a conversation that started off ok, but didn't end as well as I would have liked.  I did however gathered something that I didn't know:  That is that he wants to hear me say, "I want to reconcile."  I left him a couple of messages letting him know that I want to reconcile and after one of the messages he quickly responded.  He wants to reconcile too but he isn't quick sure how to go about it.  Neither do I but I did suggest that we get together and that I am willing to come to him.

So, some progress is better than nothing, after all this time.  I have to keep restrained tho because I absolutely don't want to push him into anything that he is quite ready for.  Also, I want him and my daughter in-law to be on the same page.

  Please remember that even tho God has been my lifeline, I am, by no means, preaching to anyone.  The one thing that I want to get across here is there is light at the end of that deep dark tunnel, hole whatever you refer to it.  Please, Please get help.  Call your regular doctor and he/she should refer you to their "behavioral health" department or the equivalent.  The counseling that I received was awesome.  The main this is that I was able to talk, allow them to give me ways to cope with all that I was feeling.  They didn't not hypnotize, drop or insist that all the crap I was dealing with was anyone else fault.  Thanks to help that I received from my counselors, my carefully selected friends who prayed for and allowed me to hang with them and talk.  I have successfully made it thru, Yes I believe that God seriously help me but if you don't believe in God then please don't think me as forcing you to believe anything that you don't want to believe in.  Just know it is completely possible to completely recover from wanting to commit suicide and deep depression.