9/25/16 -- I have had something very interesting and kinda unexpected. I subscribed to the eHarmony dating site and have actually been having a conversation, of sorts, with a man who seems to really be interested in me, despite how I look. Yes, I actually put a photo of myself, in my profile, something that I don't normally like to do but I figured that if someone is truly interested in me they wouldn't care what I look like, bottom line. This man seems to be a very sweet man, too. He likes motorcycles and wanted to know if I was afraid of them. I told him no, been around them a lot when I was a child. My dad has one. Anyway, he really seems like a cool man and this really does seem to have potential in becoming something more, than just communicating thru the dating site.
The nice thing is over the last couple of weeks I have actually been feeling better to the point of gaining my joy back, especially when baking and cooking. Also, I have been having more days of actually liking who I am working with/for. I still have days, tho, when I get irritated when working there, not completely sure why; but I do my best to not show when I am irritated because it isn't her, it is me. There are times that even being around her children can be irritating and just isn't me, I normally, completely enjoy being around children, regardless of the mood I am in, but right now that just isn't the case, at least not with their children. I am not quite sure why, either.
I have been actually looking forward to hearing from the man I met on eHarmony, that is something that I wasn't expecting. I actually woke up this morning after having a stupid dream, wonder why I keep having stupid dreams and wishing I could dream what it would be like to be doing something fun like motorcycle riding with this man?.?.?.?.
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Friday, September 16, 2016
Still Working Thru
9/16/16 -- So, this weekend is a festival weekend ing my town. I have absolutely zero desire to go to this festival. I have an aversion to large crowds, despite being in a familiar area, its the crowds that I despise, completely. I have been to the festival, a couple of times, once because we lived like a half a block from the festival, and some of the rides were actually across the street from our apartment. The last one was when my son was still home, and he did an early run to purchase tickets for a particular food, that can only be gotten during this festival. I went to get the food, which by the way was quite yummy.
I also just don't enjoy the festival atmosphere all by myself. I don't know what it is but I just don't, the crowds are just so overwhelming for me, alone, that I just can't handle it.
The man that I had been texting, I haven't heard a peep from him at all this morning or all day today. That pretty much tells me that he was just wanting to get money from me to bail him out of something. To be honest, I still am not at all for sure that he was stuck in an airport. I am not losing any tears over it because I didn't have anything really investment into the, so-called relationship. You can't have a relationship when all your doing it discussing money to bail him out of whatever is really going on.
It's a bummer but because I have had a cautious view of this from the beginning, from the moment he started pestering me for money that I didn't have (told him over and over that I couldn't help him but he just wouldn't take no for an answer) No because I couldn't.
I just couldn't handle the fact that he didn't believe me, yet he had issues when I would express some disbelief in his situation. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but not at the expense of losing what little money I have to work with.
I am not giving up but I have only a week or two left on one of the dating sites.
I just feel so weird on these sites, because I feel like the man should be making the moves here, yet I am the one "flirting" or sending brief messages to the men but not really getting much in the way of responses.
I also just don't enjoy the festival atmosphere all by myself. I don't know what it is but I just don't, the crowds are just so overwhelming for me, alone, that I just can't handle it.
The man that I had been texting, I haven't heard a peep from him at all this morning or all day today. That pretty much tells me that he was just wanting to get money from me to bail him out of something. To be honest, I still am not at all for sure that he was stuck in an airport. I am not losing any tears over it because I didn't have anything really investment into the, so-called relationship. You can't have a relationship when all your doing it discussing money to bail him out of whatever is really going on.
It's a bummer but because I have had a cautious view of this from the beginning, from the moment he started pestering me for money that I didn't have (told him over and over that I couldn't help him but he just wouldn't take no for an answer) No because I couldn't.
I just couldn't handle the fact that he didn't believe me, yet he had issues when I would express some disbelief in his situation. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but not at the expense of losing what little money I have to work with.
I am not giving up but I have only a week or two left on one of the dating sites.
I just feel so weird on these sites, because I feel like the man should be making the moves here, yet I am the one "flirting" or sending brief messages to the men but not really getting much in the way of responses.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
It Helps To Talk
9/14/16 -- It really does help to talk things out. I mean really, there are times that I find myself talking out loud to myself/to God, either way, talking things out loud to yourself or to a human being is truly helpful.
As I was working thru the hardest part of the suicide of a nurse friend, I found myself unable to sleep for a good couple of hours, last Sunday night. (1 1/2 week ago) I ended up getting out of bed and reading a couple of little books, on top of the Bible; then I found myself talking out loud. I was having a (technically) a once sided conversation with God. I just laid out everything that was on my mind and heart and along with reading His Word, I was able to give him the burden of all that I was feeling. The suicide still doesn't completely make sense but I am able to move past that unanswerable question, and just grieve the death of my friends.
I asked my Counselor if I will be able to completely put depression behind me or will it always be something that kinda hangs out in the fringes, just waiting to overtake me again? In short, he believes that I can put it completely behind me, the choice really is up to me. He gave me the difference between sadness and depression; making sure that I understand that sadness, if left unchecked can lead back to depression. However, I have a motivation(fear)to not go back that direction plus I do have the tools given by my Counselors and I have a much stronger faith in God, that I WILL NOT go back down the path of depression.
I firmly believe that depression is something that can be completely overcome, never to go back to that darkness, again. I believe that it truly is a decision that you, yourself have to make. No one can make that decision for you. I strongly encourage counseling and medications if needed, counseling most definitely is helpful, as long as you allow it to me. You have to be strong and courageous to move out of the darkness and into the light that is enjoying life, and happiness. Now granted I am not completely there yet, to be honest, that scares me because I have been in the dark for so long that I have forgotten what light feels like. I have forgotten what it feels like to enjoy doing anything. I am gradually getting there, tho.
My passion is baking/cooking and I am slowly getting my desire and zeal back for baking and cooking. I have enjoyed baking and sharing what I have baked, the same goes for cooking. I have lost that passion the last couple of years, but it is coming back. Also, there is one "crafty" thing that I like doing but had lost the desire to do it. However, over the last couple of weeks, I have noticed that I am wanting to get back to it. Altho, I think I will start off with doing something for myself, over that last couple of years, I managed to make a couple of wedding gifts for others, it my turn to make something for myself.
As I was working thru the hardest part of the suicide of a nurse friend, I found myself unable to sleep for a good couple of hours, last Sunday night. (1 1/2 week ago) I ended up getting out of bed and reading a couple of little books, on top of the Bible; then I found myself talking out loud. I was having a (technically) a once sided conversation with God. I just laid out everything that was on my mind and heart and along with reading His Word, I was able to give him the burden of all that I was feeling. The suicide still doesn't completely make sense but I am able to move past that unanswerable question, and just grieve the death of my friends.
I asked my Counselor if I will be able to completely put depression behind me or will it always be something that kinda hangs out in the fringes, just waiting to overtake me again? In short, he believes that I can put it completely behind me, the choice really is up to me. He gave me the difference between sadness and depression; making sure that I understand that sadness, if left unchecked can lead back to depression. However, I have a motivation(fear)to not go back that direction plus I do have the tools given by my Counselors and I have a much stronger faith in God, that I WILL NOT go back down the path of depression.
I firmly believe that depression is something that can be completely overcome, never to go back to that darkness, again. I believe that it truly is a decision that you, yourself have to make. No one can make that decision for you. I strongly encourage counseling and medications if needed, counseling most definitely is helpful, as long as you allow it to me. You have to be strong and courageous to move out of the darkness and into the light that is enjoying life, and happiness. Now granted I am not completely there yet, to be honest, that scares me because I have been in the dark for so long that I have forgotten what light feels like. I have forgotten what it feels like to enjoy doing anything. I am gradually getting there, tho.
My passion is baking/cooking and I am slowly getting my desire and zeal back for baking and cooking. I have enjoyed baking and sharing what I have baked, the same goes for cooking. I have lost that passion the last couple of years, but it is coming back. Also, there is one "crafty" thing that I like doing but had lost the desire to do it. However, over the last couple of weeks, I have noticed that I am wanting to get back to it. Altho, I think I will start off with doing something for myself, over that last couple of years, I managed to make a couple of wedding gifts for others, it my turn to make something for myself.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
What I was doing......
9/11/16 -- It's interesting what you remember when something traumatic happens, either in your personal life or in the world.
Sixteen years ago today, I was working in a retail store, in my hometown, in the receiving department, when my boss (at the time) comes running down looking for a tv. He barely said why, so a bunch of us follow him up to the break room as he set up the tv. When he was able to get a station, we were all stunned to see the attack on the twin towers. Those of us that were up there, stood and watched for as long as we could but we had to return to work. I was working as a Key Receiver, so I had to be in the receiving department for when vendors would come to the back door. However, I had a radio that I sort of was able to tune into a station that was giving me the news. I think the entire store was kinda in a dazed mode the whole day. We did our jobs but we just weren't as focused as we normally would be. You see, our store manager, at the time, her husband made periodic trips to New York for business, and that was the week that he would have been there. Thankfully he wasn't to close to the area or his trip was postponed, I think.
I remember watching a lot of the news until I got tired the same things being shown and repeated. I listen when there was new information but not long enough to hear the repeated info. That was most definitely a defining moment in this country, and in my life time. It's interesting how, every time this anniversary comes up I instantly remember everything that happened that day at work.
We definitely need to remember all of the people who died that day, not just the ones who were in the buildings but all the first responders who did their jobs knowing they may not go home when all was done that day. I have never been to New York, I wouldn't mind going to see those memorials, but it takes money to travel and for me that comes in short supply. I also think that we should be remembering and praying for all of the family members of those who gave their lives, keeping them in our prayers, whenever we think about them.
Sixteen years ago today, I was working in a retail store, in my hometown, in the receiving department, when my boss (at the time) comes running down looking for a tv. He barely said why, so a bunch of us follow him up to the break room as he set up the tv. When he was able to get a station, we were all stunned to see the attack on the twin towers. Those of us that were up there, stood and watched for as long as we could but we had to return to work. I was working as a Key Receiver, so I had to be in the receiving department for when vendors would come to the back door. However, I had a radio that I sort of was able to tune into a station that was giving me the news. I think the entire store was kinda in a dazed mode the whole day. We did our jobs but we just weren't as focused as we normally would be. You see, our store manager, at the time, her husband made periodic trips to New York for business, and that was the week that he would have been there. Thankfully he wasn't to close to the area or his trip was postponed, I think.
I remember watching a lot of the news until I got tired the same things being shown and repeated. I listen when there was new information but not long enough to hear the repeated info. That was most definitely a defining moment in this country, and in my life time. It's interesting how, every time this anniversary comes up I instantly remember everything that happened that day at work.
We definitely need to remember all of the people who died that day, not just the ones who were in the buildings but all the first responders who did their jobs knowing they may not go home when all was done that day. I have never been to New York, I wouldn't mind going to see those memorials, but it takes money to travel and for me that comes in short supply. I also think that we should be remembering and praying for all of the family members of those who gave their lives, keeping them in our prayers, whenever we think about them.
Friday, September 9, 2016
Plans......
9/9/16 -- Today, I received a card and short letter from my nurse friend, the card was thanking me for being her friend, but the letter not only was thanking me but asking me to forgive her for what she was about to do. Meaning that as she wrote this letter she was planning or had already overdosed. According to the letter, she had already planned on leaving this world because she couldn't handle living with out her husband, but my/our friend dying was the last straw. She had already taken the normal steps people (most people anyway) when they are about to commit suicide. It seems that she already had determined that she wasn't going to ask for help because she couldn't. It's too bad......
Not even my friendship was enough for her to even want to try, I guess that is the part that I don't completely understand, but oh well.
I really still am having a difficult time with this, grieving over her death along with the death my friend who died of cancer, two weeks ago now. Two deaths, one due to illness, one due to the inability to ask for help. That one is the saddest, please please don't ever be so "lost" in someone friend, spouse or otherwise that you can't ask for help when something happens to that relationship, death or the relationship is dissolved for whatever reasons. Please, Please, if you find yourself sliding into depression, get help. If you know someone who has slid or is sliding into depression, please don't ignore them, don't tell them to "buck up" or "put you big person's pants on" it isn't that easy to get out of depression. I know from my own experience that it isn't easy, to get help. It does take strength and courage to get help, sometimes either you or someone you know don't have the courage to pick up the phone and make the call, so then you do it for them. Suicide isn't that far from depression and sometimes it just doesn't take that long to get to the point that you can't or don't want to deal with life anymore, believe me I know from my own experience and from the letter from my nurse friend.
They say the it's the "loners" you have to worry about - well I say that's true, but not necessarily for the reasons you/people might think. I say that the loners are the ones who need the friend, not bullies. The loners, the ones that isolate themselves are the one who most need people who care about them, to be true friends. The people who hide, stay away from anyone and everyone are the ones who need people who truly care, they are the ones who have the potential of committing suicide.
Maybe not always but I think that there is a higher potential, anyway. Don't be embarrassed either, because there really isn't anything to be embarrassed about, depression is a disease and it can be made better but only with help. Professional Counselors are the only ones who can help people who are depressed get out of it, along with some medication, if necessary.
I am very thankful that I have found my strength, in God, along with the friends that I do have and the Counseling that I have been going to. With all this, I don't know that I would have been able to take all this without "crashing" myself. I mean "crashing" as in maybe committing myself due to my inability to handle those deaths.
Not even my friendship was enough for her to even want to try, I guess that is the part that I don't completely understand, but oh well.
I really still am having a difficult time with this, grieving over her death along with the death my friend who died of cancer, two weeks ago now. Two deaths, one due to illness, one due to the inability to ask for help. That one is the saddest, please please don't ever be so "lost" in someone friend, spouse or otherwise that you can't ask for help when something happens to that relationship, death or the relationship is dissolved for whatever reasons. Please, Please, if you find yourself sliding into depression, get help. If you know someone who has slid or is sliding into depression, please don't ignore them, don't tell them to "buck up" or "put you big person's pants on" it isn't that easy to get out of depression. I know from my own experience that it isn't easy, to get help. It does take strength and courage to get help, sometimes either you or someone you know don't have the courage to pick up the phone and make the call, so then you do it for them. Suicide isn't that far from depression and sometimes it just doesn't take that long to get to the point that you can't or don't want to deal with life anymore, believe me I know from my own experience and from the letter from my nurse friend.
They say the it's the "loners" you have to worry about - well I say that's true, but not necessarily for the reasons you/people might think. I say that the loners are the ones who need the friend, not bullies. The loners, the ones that isolate themselves are the one who most need people who care about them, to be true friends. The people who hide, stay away from anyone and everyone are the ones who need people who truly care, they are the ones who have the potential of committing suicide.
Maybe not always but I think that there is a higher potential, anyway. Don't be embarrassed either, because there really isn't anything to be embarrassed about, depression is a disease and it can be made better but only with help. Professional Counselors are the only ones who can help people who are depressed get out of it, along with some medication, if necessary.
I am very thankful that I have found my strength, in God, along with the friends that I do have and the Counseling that I have been going to. With all this, I don't know that I would have been able to take all this without "crashing" myself. I mean "crashing" as in maybe committing myself due to my inability to handle those deaths.
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Heavy Heart
9/4/16 -- I start this blog off with a very heavy heart. The nurse, that took care of my friend for 4 months while she was dying of cancer, took her own life. This nurse had retired immediately after my friend died because she husband died just 3 days prior and she had inadvertently gotten too close to my friend. Nurse aren't supposed to do that, so they can keep a proper perspective on treating their patients. Anyway, the nurse and I kept in contact with each other via text and i was trying to help her work thru this loss but it was just too much for her, apparently because she overdosed on pills, drove herself to the hospital, and was texting me. Her last text to me was telling me that she couldn't breath, I knew that she had done something when she wouldn't tell me why she was going to the hospital. The hardest this out of all this is the fact that I could have done something if I had know specifically where she was but all I knew was her home address, which she wasn't living at home, she was in a hotel. So, I couldn't call the police in that city to have them do a well check. There is 500+ miles between us and I couldn't see any of her signals that she had to have been displaying concerning her intentions.
I have been where she was but I was fearful of my thought and intentions of suicide so I reached out and got the help I needed and wanted. This woman just couldn't make the call so she took the easy way out. I have been recently told that taking the steps that I took, took courage and strength.
Please, please if you know anyone who is NOT dealing with a recent death very well - grief can easily lead to depression - so please pay attention to your spouses, friends, and siblings when a death occurs to someone you know or even to yourself. Please, please don't try to get into a grief support group or get professional help, don't let yourself try to manage it on your own. I know from experience that you cannot deal with grief or depression on your own.
My nurse friend made it to the hospital and inside before she collapsed-the docs got to her as she was coding. She never recovered. Altho, the nurse taking care of my nurse friend, found an envelop with my name on it, as she was gather up her things for her brother to pick up. The envelop will be sent to me, on tuesday.
This just re-inforces the fact that depression is absolutely nothing to mess with. If you see anyone you know that is depressed pleased don't tell them to "put your big boy/girl pants on and move on" it seriously isn't that easy. They need help, get them to get help and don't let up even if you have to be the one to make the call or put them in your car and physically take them to get help. Also, please don't ignore anyone who is trying to reach out, they may not be doing it in an obvious way, or they could be making plans that could be indicating that the are planning on taking their own lives. There are suicide hotlines, and websites that can are very helpful and they even have resources that can point you in the right direction for help, but they do talk to you and hopefully successfully talk anyone out of taking their lives.
I have been where she was but I was fearful of my thought and intentions of suicide so I reached out and got the help I needed and wanted. This woman just couldn't make the call so she took the easy way out. I have been recently told that taking the steps that I took, took courage and strength.
Please, please if you know anyone who is NOT dealing with a recent death very well - grief can easily lead to depression - so please pay attention to your spouses, friends, and siblings when a death occurs to someone you know or even to yourself. Please, please don't try to get into a grief support group or get professional help, don't let yourself try to manage it on your own. I know from experience that you cannot deal with grief or depression on your own.
My nurse friend made it to the hospital and inside before she collapsed-the docs got to her as she was coding. She never recovered. Altho, the nurse taking care of my nurse friend, found an envelop with my name on it, as she was gather up her things for her brother to pick up. The envelop will be sent to me, on tuesday.
This just re-inforces the fact that depression is absolutely nothing to mess with. If you see anyone you know that is depressed pleased don't tell them to "put your big boy/girl pants on and move on" it seriously isn't that easy. They need help, get them to get help and don't let up even if you have to be the one to make the call or put them in your car and physically take them to get help. Also, please don't ignore anyone who is trying to reach out, they may not be doing it in an obvious way, or they could be making plans that could be indicating that the are planning on taking their own lives. There are suicide hotlines, and websites that can are very helpful and they even have resources that can point you in the right direction for help, but they do talk to you and hopefully successfully talk anyone out of taking their lives.
Saturday, September 3, 2016
Another update
9/3/16 -- Well, another knock at my sanity - the nurse that took care of my friend as she struggled with cancer then passed away. This nurse sunk deep into depression and ended attempting to take her life. Thankfully, she made it to the hospital, collapsed after getting inside and they got to her as she was coding. Now, she is in critical condition. According to the last text from her, the only reason she went to the hospital was because of me, I wanted her to get some professional help but she just couldn't make the call. Given that we live over 500 miles away from each other and I had zero idea how to get her the help she needed. According to the nurse, taking care of the retired nurse, they have done all they can do, all depends on her will to live.
I tell you, I am really praying and hoping that she doesn't give up and die. I am not sure how I will be able to handle that. I just lost my friend, last week, or has it been two weeks ago now? Anyway, I have been having issues with the loss of my friend. I received a couple of packages from the retired nurse that my friend wanted me to have which then caused more tears. I really don't want to lose this retired nurse, not like this. Right now she is hanging on. My God is the only one that knows what is in her heart and how to help her, she can't even communicate right now.
This turn of events is not anything that I expected, altho I knew that she would have a hard time dealing with the loss of her husband, I was not completely expecting her to sink so far into depression. Again, distance makes this to stinking difficult, it's ridiculous. I can't get to her to beside her letting her know that she has a reason to live. As far as, I know she has a brother but I don't know anything else about her. I am doing my best to not go to the place where I know can take down further than I want to go.
I am watching my favorite college football team right now and they are ahead, which is great. I have been kind of looking forward to Football season both college and professional. Also, I have become a fan of professional hockey, and a Chicago Blackhawk fan. I have come to enjoy listening to Hawks play on WGN digital radio.
I tell you, I am really praying and hoping that she doesn't give up and die. I am not sure how I will be able to handle that. I just lost my friend, last week, or has it been two weeks ago now? Anyway, I have been having issues with the loss of my friend. I received a couple of packages from the retired nurse that my friend wanted me to have which then caused more tears. I really don't want to lose this retired nurse, not like this. Right now she is hanging on. My God is the only one that knows what is in her heart and how to help her, she can't even communicate right now.
This turn of events is not anything that I expected, altho I knew that she would have a hard time dealing with the loss of her husband, I was not completely expecting her to sink so far into depression. Again, distance makes this to stinking difficult, it's ridiculous. I can't get to her to beside her letting her know that she has a reason to live. As far as, I know she has a brother but I don't know anything else about her. I am doing my best to not go to the place where I know can take down further than I want to go.
I am watching my favorite college football team right now and they are ahead, which is great. I have been kind of looking forward to Football season both college and professional. Also, I have become a fan of professional hockey, and a Chicago Blackhawk fan. I have come to enjoy listening to Hawks play on WGN digital radio.
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