9/23/15 -- The last week has been very difficult, mainly physically. I had the final injection, of a series of three, last Thursday morning. Typically, there are a few days afterwards that I am a little "gimpy" but not this time. This time; by the end of the day Thursday, I could barely walk! I was in so much pain and my ankle had swollen up so big along with being extremely tender that I could barely walk. I ended up asking my Mentor to come over, because she is the closest that I could think of to ask, to help me get my supper finished up and brought to me. I had managed, with extreme difficulty, to get it in the toaster oven for for cooking and on the stove for cooking but couldn't get up to bring into myself. Thankfully she was able to come over to help me out. I also had her help with a few minor things to help me in preparing for bed. When she left I managed to get to bed. I had gotten my crutches out from behind my bed and that is what I used for the next 3 full days.
When I woke up on Friday morning and couldn't even walk with out my crutches and definitely NOT putting any weight on my left ankle, AT ALL! I ended up calling into work and letting my boss know that there was absolutely, NO WAY that was going to be able to work. I couldn't even put my ankle brace on let alone to touch my ankle. I had to take Tramadol all day Friday and Saturday. Thursday night was the worst because I could not find a comfortable position for my ankle to rest; Friday was just a smidge better only because I could actually rest my ankle on the Chais' Lounge without too much uncomfortablilty. (like my new word?) It really pissed me off that I had to call off work because of this because that meant not a full paycheck plus I couldn't get my check. Oh, and naturally this occurs when I don't have that much, if any, food worth fixing in the condition that I was in.
When I texted my mom to let you know what was going on, she offered and ended up coming up to help out a little, before she had a lunch date with some lady friends from where she works. While my mom was here I had her go to the grocery store to pick up a few things for me and a bag of cat food. The not going to work thing, really put a kink in things! So, I gave my mom a list of food, simple things, to pick up so that I could make it til Saturday, in the hopes that I would be getting around a little better. Even tho I had prepared a head of time, and switched my cleaning day to the following Saturday, this coming Saturday, now. Mom, picked up a rotisserie chicken and bought me lunch at Subway. She sat a talked with me a while, as well. Apparently, she put off my little sister this morning for the next day which would be Saturday. My little sister wasn't too happy but tough, mom always, almost daily helps her out and/or visits her due the fact that she lives in my hometown, which is in the same town as my mom. Then the rest of the day consisted of doing nothing but sitting with my ankle up and taking it easy: not really what I wanted to do but didn't have much of a choice.
Sunday, I couldn't go to church because I was still pretty much using my crutches and working with little ones and crutches don't go very well. I wasn't too happy with that but while letting someone know about it, she offered to go shopping for me and drop the food off, after church. I was surprised by her offer, but it was great cause my plan was for her to pick up some very key items that would carry me thru most of the week, as I didn't know just how mobile I would be. She ended up coming in the even rather that right after church, I suspect it was because of her little ones, which was fine. I was very appreciative of her willingness to do that for me, that way my mom wouldn't have to come up to do it for me. She said would if I needed her too.
Monday, I was able to go work, but I had to loosely put my brace on and I was still limping pretty badly. I was able to walk, if you want to call it that, without the crutches.
When I got to work and after my boss was gone, I sent an my chart email to my orthopedic dr. letting him know about the extreme discomfort that I had been in, not as extreme on Monday. The orthopedic Dr. was in surgery that day but I figured he would respond when he had the opportunity, if he did. Thankfully he did and he got back to me around 4pm. He said that this injection can cause inflammation and this what happened this time around for me. He told me to keep it elevated and iced to help reduce the swelling. I could call and/or see him the next day, as he would be in the office, if it was necessary.
I guess I missed that one of the "side effects" of this injection is inflammation. Oh well, I know that now. What a sucky weekend.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Some new stuff
9/16/15 -- I recently have asked someone, from the church I attend, to mentor/disciple me, and she finally said yes. What I mean by finally is: I have asked a number of different women and one finally said she would. We started meeting last week, the second evening was this past Monday evening. We are going to sort of go thru the Seeking Him study we both already completed over the summer. The only reason we are is because I had issues with applying different sections to me. We agreed to meet once a week or possibly every other week, depending on her schedule.
Then there is the "Estate Planning" that I have been thinking about, on and off. I asked the Youth Pastor and his Wife to be my "executor", however they have is labeled something else, now. Anyway, I asked them because I have absolutely no idea how my son really feels about me, beyond the fact that we aren't/haven't been talking for quite a long time. {Feels like an eternity} Like does he really hate me? or Does he just not really want anything to do with me for now while he 'deals with' whatever? So, since I don't know, I have asked the Youth Pastor and his Wife because I am the closest to them and I thoroughly love their children. These people have gone beyond the "pastoral" and welcomed me into their personal lives and allowed me to watch their children. Not to mention the fact that their children love me. I have so much fun with them as a family and with just the children.
The Pastor and his Wife got back to me and they said yes, they would be the 'executor' of my "estate". So, I met with an attorney, last night after work, and got things rolling. It is $75 a document and includes the services of the Law Office, the young lady that I dealt with. They will also in charge of my healthcare if I can't make decisions for myself, and my finances in the same event. As much as, I really want my Son to be the one to make those decisions it ain't going to happen as long he isn't talking to me. My son used to be my emergency contact but now the Youth Pastor and His Wife are because my son is too far away plus I really don't know just how much he really cares. I know that is pathetic but that is the way it is.
All the while I was sitting in the office of the Lawyer who is getting everything legal, for me; I managed to maintain emotional control, as hard as it was. I am not sure how I am going to swing the extra expense for a couple of months but I somehow have to. She is "drawing up" 3 documents for me which cost me enough money. I guess this is one way that I am trying to move on, as my Counselor believes that I need to do. However, reality and emotion, for me, are very separate. There in lies my problem with truly moving on, getting past the, middle of the road - I don't really care about stuff I should, attitude that I have.
Then there is the "Estate Planning" that I have been thinking about, on and off. I asked the Youth Pastor and his Wife to be my "executor", however they have is labeled something else, now. Anyway, I asked them because I have absolutely no idea how my son really feels about me, beyond the fact that we aren't/haven't been talking for quite a long time. {Feels like an eternity} Like does he really hate me? or Does he just not really want anything to do with me for now while he 'deals with' whatever? So, since I don't know, I have asked the Youth Pastor and his Wife because I am the closest to them and I thoroughly love their children. These people have gone beyond the "pastoral" and welcomed me into their personal lives and allowed me to watch their children. Not to mention the fact that their children love me. I have so much fun with them as a family and with just the children.
The Pastor and his Wife got back to me and they said yes, they would be the 'executor' of my "estate". So, I met with an attorney, last night after work, and got things rolling. It is $75 a document and includes the services of the Law Office, the young lady that I dealt with. They will also in charge of my healthcare if I can't make decisions for myself, and my finances in the same event. As much as, I really want my Son to be the one to make those decisions it ain't going to happen as long he isn't talking to me. My son used to be my emergency contact but now the Youth Pastor and His Wife are because my son is too far away plus I really don't know just how much he really cares. I know that is pathetic but that is the way it is.
All the while I was sitting in the office of the Lawyer who is getting everything legal, for me; I managed to maintain emotional control, as hard as it was. I am not sure how I am going to swing the extra expense for a couple of months but I somehow have to. She is "drawing up" 3 documents for me which cost me enough money. I guess this is one way that I am trying to move on, as my Counselor believes that I need to do. However, reality and emotion, for me, are very separate. There in lies my problem with truly moving on, getting past the, middle of the road - I don't really care about stuff I should, attitude that I have.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Still working on emotional stuff
9/15/15 -- These last several weeks have been interesting.
I have missed a Birthday party because of a headache, missed something else I was wanting to do on a Saturday because of a headache, then a session with my Counselor. This session consisted of addressing the homework he gave 2 weeks prior. He totally appreciated my working on trying to figure this out. I spent many hours of many days between the 2 sessions trying to come up with 'the 4th chapter' that he wanted me to 'write' to go along the 'chapter titles that he wrote on his dry erase board 2 sessions ago. The only thing I could come up with is 3 things and 2 of the three aren't satisfactory by any means. 1) is to allow this situation to take me down to the point of suicide, again (not wanting that at all) 2) is staying where I am {I am not happy with staying where I am emotionally-want to get past this} So, somehow I need to move past this but I don't know how.
My Counselor wanted to know why and what the downside is to allowing God to completely have and take care of this/my son and myself. I told him nothing but my head and heart just can't seem to come into unity over this. Like I know that God already has been taking care of my son but for whatever reason the 'mom part of me' can't seem to 'let go' of the little bit that I am hanging onto because the 'mom part of me' feels like if I 'let g0 and let God' then I am 'giving up' even tho in reality that is not what is going on. Altho, in a sense it is because I can't really do anything and my 'giving up means that I am letting God do what He needs to do in me and my son, that isn't such a bad thing at all. Yet, I just can't seem to get my heart to wrap around that idea, at all. After telling him that I asked if it was possible that my emotional dislike for weekends [because I don't have family to spend it with] could be contributing to the headaches that seem to always occur on a weekend, albeit not on every weekend. He did that is totally possible because holding this stuff in just isn't good. I also know that emotional stuff un-dealt with can cause physical issues, has been documented by physicians.
My Counselor did tell me that I have to let go of this emotional baggage in order to be able to move on and get out of the this mid-range, so-so, don't care attitude that I have been having. I am not happy with the attitude that I have, I don't like this 'funk' that I am in right now. So, my Counselor told me that I am supposed to remind him that he has something the he thinks will be able to help me, during our next session. Something that will help me to unite my heart and head/let go and let God take this situation/my son so that I can move past this 'garbage'.
I have missed a Birthday party because of a headache, missed something else I was wanting to do on a Saturday because of a headache, then a session with my Counselor. This session consisted of addressing the homework he gave 2 weeks prior. He totally appreciated my working on trying to figure this out. I spent many hours of many days between the 2 sessions trying to come up with 'the 4th chapter' that he wanted me to 'write' to go along the 'chapter titles that he wrote on his dry erase board 2 sessions ago. The only thing I could come up with is 3 things and 2 of the three aren't satisfactory by any means. 1) is to allow this situation to take me down to the point of suicide, again (not wanting that at all) 2) is staying where I am {I am not happy with staying where I am emotionally-want to get past this} So, somehow I need to move past this but I don't know how.
My Counselor wanted to know why and what the downside is to allowing God to completely have and take care of this/my son and myself. I told him nothing but my head and heart just can't seem to come into unity over this. Like I know that God already has been taking care of my son but for whatever reason the 'mom part of me' can't seem to 'let go' of the little bit that I am hanging onto because the 'mom part of me' feels like if I 'let g0 and let God' then I am 'giving up' even tho in reality that is not what is going on. Altho, in a sense it is because I can't really do anything and my 'giving up means that I am letting God do what He needs to do in me and my son, that isn't such a bad thing at all. Yet, I just can't seem to get my heart to wrap around that idea, at all. After telling him that I asked if it was possible that my emotional dislike for weekends [because I don't have family to spend it with] could be contributing to the headaches that seem to always occur on a weekend, albeit not on every weekend. He did that is totally possible because holding this stuff in just isn't good. I also know that emotional stuff un-dealt with can cause physical issues, has been documented by physicians.
My Counselor did tell me that I have to let go of this emotional baggage in order to be able to move on and get out of the this mid-range, so-so, don't care attitude that I have been having. I am not happy with the attitude that I have, I don't like this 'funk' that I am in right now. So, my Counselor told me that I am supposed to remind him that he has something the he thinks will be able to help me, during our next session. Something that will help me to unite my heart and head/let go and let God take this situation/my son so that I can move past this 'garbage'.
Interesting stuff
8/31/15 -- This has been an interesting week. I have had several things that made my life rather interesting. This past Saturday was a conference that I was partially drafted, partially volunteered to "cater" for. In other words it was discussed between 2 other people then I was asked to which I said yes.
I was the only one in the kitchen getting things prepared for the lunch, and the only one to clean up. This was a bad weekend to have a synvisc injection because I was on my feet for any entire 8 hours and my ankle was most definitely aching/more like in flat out pain. So, when I finally got home I sat on my Chais lounge along with taking some tramadol. I think my Pastor was getting some fun out of making me think about something other than what is going on in my head/heart in order to successfully figure the simple menu and get the quantities right. He was successful at distracting me, at least for a time.
Yesterday, I met with someone who is a family friend from a very long time ago. They, him and his wife, recently moved back to my hometown where they used to lived and moved out of years ago.
It was an interesting visit -- I ended up answering questions about my son and admitting that things haven't been going well. However I chose not to go into details because I don't trust them/don't know them anymore. The reason I don't know them anymore is because we have been so out of touch these many years and because I remember him telling me something, the last time I saw him, that I don't feel like he is the same man that I have know all my growing up years. I skirted the issues concerning my son and our lack of relationship. Then he proceeded to tell me stuff that I already know, kind of preaching to me, in a way. The trouble is I don't think he realized that he was telling me stuff that I already knew despite the fact that I was shaking my in agreement with him. I am not too sure that I appreciated it too much, but I just left it go.
I was the only one in the kitchen getting things prepared for the lunch, and the only one to clean up. This was a bad weekend to have a synvisc injection because I was on my feet for any entire 8 hours and my ankle was most definitely aching/more like in flat out pain. So, when I finally got home I sat on my Chais lounge along with taking some tramadol. I think my Pastor was getting some fun out of making me think about something other than what is going on in my head/heart in order to successfully figure the simple menu and get the quantities right. He was successful at distracting me, at least for a time.
Yesterday, I met with someone who is a family friend from a very long time ago. They, him and his wife, recently moved back to my hometown where they used to lived and moved out of years ago.
It was an interesting visit -- I ended up answering questions about my son and admitting that things haven't been going well. However I chose not to go into details because I don't trust them/don't know them anymore. The reason I don't know them anymore is because we have been so out of touch these many years and because I remember him telling me something, the last time I saw him, that I don't feel like he is the same man that I have know all my growing up years. I skirted the issues concerning my son and our lack of relationship. Then he proceeded to tell me stuff that I already know, kind of preaching to me, in a way. The trouble is I don't think he realized that he was telling me stuff that I already knew despite the fact that I was shaking my in agreement with him. I am not too sure that I appreciated it too much, but I just left it go.
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