Disappointed.....

12/27/16 -- So, this past weekend was a weekend when most people get together with family, with exception to me.
  I had put the invitation out to my son, to just simply stop by my place, for dessert, on Christmas day, for a non threatening visit.  I didn't even care if it was a short visit.  I know he saw the invitation but as per usual, he didn't respond.  I held out hope that they would stop by, altho I didn't have super high hopes.
  Then there was my boyfriend, of whom I was really hoping that he would make it down, in the afternoon.  At lunch time I texted him to see what it was looking like for him coming down, at that time he was running errand with his mom, apparently.
  Needless to say; I was disappointed on both fronts.  I knew by 6pm isn that my boyfriend wasn't coming and probably by around the same time for my son, too.  Both of them have a 3 hour drive.  So, as much as, I was trying not to have high hopes, I was pretty disappointed that none of them made it to see me.  I did have a meal after church, as usual.
  I even had a dream that my son and family stopped by, I asked if I could give my granddaughters the gifts that I have been holding for the last two christmases and he said yes.  Because of the dream, I was holding out some hope.  Yet, I was completely disappointed, however not too seriously.
  I extended a different invitation to my boyfriend for this coming weekend.  Hoping that maybe we can at least spend New Year's Eve together even if he has to be home the next day, at least then we will have spent some time together.
We will see, I guess.

More Wonderful Winter Weather

12/23/16 -- Here it is the eve, before Christmas Eve.  Now, me personally, I don't put too much effort in the this particular holiday because....well there are a number if different reasons that I don't and I don't know that I will go into all of them.  One reason is that I have always had cats and cats climb trees, and play with ornaments, so no trees.  Another reason is that I have never had the money to hog wild crazy on buying gifts for my son or anyone else.  The other reason has something to do with my personal beliefs.  Now, I have and will continue to be flexible for the benefit for my granddaughters despite the fact that my son does know and had agreed with me; til he got married and instantly had children.  Now, I am not going to tell anyone that they are right or wrong, this has been my personal belief.  
  There is one thing that my son and I did always do on the Christmas holiday, that was snack all day and watch parades and football.  We had our little tradition, and that is something that I will  always cherish.
  I know that I am in a relationship, but we are still living apart, we haven't been able to get much accomplished with him working so much and not being able to see each other for over a month and half.  Believe me when I say that I am, internally, going nuts!  I want so much to be with him, all the time.  Yet, here I am and he's 3 hours away, and working such ridiculously long hours.  He really has Sunday and even then it's not all to himself, he has to do reports that are needed for Monday. 
  This year the two holidays happen to fall on Sundays; for some reason that means that they will "observed" on the Monday after for some places.  BUT not for my man, he has to work.  Which truly sucks because it would have been nice to have him all to myself for a larger part of the weekend, if he can tear himself away from the "busyness" of work and have some R&R.
   Thankfully, the church that I attend is still doing things as they always do, have church and lunch after.  The full "christmas" dinner and I am making dessert.  I love making dessert.  I was given a bunch of chocolate which gave me the idea to really doctor up the brownies that I make.
  I would really love to spend some time with my granddaughters but I don't see that happening:  although I did "shoot" out an invitation for them to come to my place for dessert, on Sunday, just so I could see them, even for a little bit of time.  Now, I haven't heard anything back since I put the invitation forth but I am not completely surprised.

Here it is Again, Weather

12/16/16 -- So, it is snowing, again.  Thankfully, it is snowing Friday into Saturday which means that by Sunday, all should be pretty good, just freakin' cold.  That means that my boyfriend should be able to come to visit me.  He is working on coming on coming down on Sunday.   It has been over a month since the last time we've seen each other, it is actually driving us both nuts.  I have been in love before, but this time is so much different and I am loving every minute of it.  Oh ok, there is one part of this time of being in Love that I am not so much enjoying, and that is the fact that my sleep has been completely knocked for a loop.  I haven't had a completely good night sleep since the last time we were together.  The same has been going on for him, he hasn't slept all that well, either.  I have never experienced anything like this.  I love it, but this whole, not seeing each other, is driving me crazy.  The physical distance between us and his schedule just isn't fair.  I am not sure just how long I can stand this distance. 
  We have talked about marriage but of course, this whole distance (he was sick for about 3wks, then something else came up, then last weekend we had snow) is more difficult than I ever thought it would be.  I never expected the emotion that I have been feeling, him too, has just been drastically different and a yo-yo, for me.  He has been dealing with the same emotions.  I just can't believe that my sleep has been interrupted because of my love for him and my need for him to be close to me.  I almost can't wait to be with him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  
  I never expected that being in-love with someone, who is in-love with me just as much, would be like this.  I day dream about him, I think about him day in and day out.  I haven't dreamed about him, altho I have had a dream or two that has had him come across my mind.  Apparently, when I do sleep I have been in a deep sleep that I haven't remember very many of my dreams.  Yet, I do day dream about him all the time.  I have had many thoughts of what it would be like living with a man, sharing a bed with a man, something that I haven't done in over 20 years.  We haven't had much of an opportunity to get to know each other other than via texting.  That is fine but nothing replaces seeing each other face to face.
  I just can't believe how far I have come since July of 2014.  I hadn't had any man in my life, my life had been completely turned upside down to the point of wanting to commit suicide; to where I am now, in a serious relationship with a man that really does care about me, for who I am.  I, also, care about him just for who he is.  I want to give him the things that I can that he deserves.  As much as he wants to give me, I want to give him.  There are things that I want to do for him that I didn't do for my ex.  This man just blows my mind with the way he talks to me, sweet things, encouraging, and wonderful things.  He speaks words that my ex never spoke to me.  Sometimes, I feel like I have to pinch myself because it just doesn't seem real.  I never expected to fall in love, ever again.  Yet, here I am, in Love and wanting to be, feeling special and wanted.

This Weather!

12/9/16 -- Here it is December Tenth and we are getting a bunch of snow, sometime this afternoon, of course this is the weekend where it was looking pretty good that my man and I were going to see each there.  It's not snowing yet, but it is supposed to be supposed to be at some point, where I am.  It will start later where he lives but still, we are both hoping that the weather will be cooperative and allow us to be together.  We haven't been together for over a month now and it is driving us both crazy.  We both feel the same way as far as needing to see each other.
  I even mentioned that it will be so awesome to see each other that it will be difficult to control ourselves.  We love each other and miss each other so much that it is almost painful to be far but close to each yet weather can make it difficult to see each other.  It is bad enough that his job makes it difficult, period.
  I haven't felt like this for anyone, in my life.  I thought that I fell in love with my ex-husband.  However, the way that I feel about this wonderful man, is way so much different than the first man.  Also, he actually feels the same way about me, and my ex didn't feel the same way.  I can't even begin to explain what it mean for me to actually have a man that truly loves me for me.  I even let him know that, as far as, any kind of wedding, that I don't want a big wedding.  I told him that I would be happy with a courthouse marriage or a small, family and select friends wedding.  Thankfully, his is fine with that.  I told him because I wanted him to know that I understand that its difficult to get time off work.  Also, all I want to be is his wife, and the expense of a wedding doesn't really mean anything to me because in the end we will still be one as a couple.
  What is funny, I was at my friend's house, for Thanksgiving and her mother in-law was extremely insistent that she gets an invite to my wedding.  That then makes it very difficult to not have a wedding.  However, it really doesn't matter because if we decide to go to the courthouse, I kinda don't want to do that because I have someone in mind to officiate my wedding, no one will get to go except for two witnesses.
I haven't asked the person yet, simply because I haven't been purposed to, as of yet.  I am beyond excited for this.
     I have no idea when I will purposed to but I have been enjoying thinking about the different things that concern weddings.  I do know who I want to ask to officiate it but I have no idea where I want it to be held.  I do know that I don't want it at, what was my home church.  I am thinking that I want it at my current church, which is in a home; a really nice home and I think that it would be ok for the amount of people that could come to the wedding.

Song Lyrics

11/5/16 - For some reason I just feel like I have to actually type out the words to this song that I posted a little while ago.  These words truly speak to all that I went thru and how I was able to get out of the deep, dark hole of depression that I was in.

 "SHOULDERS"

When confusion's my companion

And despair hold me of ransom

I will feel no fear

I know that Your are near

When I'm caught deep in the valley

With chaos for my company

I'll find my comfort here

'Cause I know that You are near

My help comes from You

You're right here from You

You're right hear, pulling me through

You carry my weakness, my sickness,

my brokenness all on Your shoulders

Your shoulders

My help comes from You

You are my rest, my rescue

I don't have to see to believe that You're 

lifting me up on Your shoulders

Your shoulders

You mend what once was shattered

And You turn my tears to laughter

Your forgiveness is my fortress

Oh Your mercy is relentless

My help comes from You 

You're right here, pulling me through

You carry my weakness, my sickness,

my brokenness all on Your shoulders

Your shoulders

My help comes from You

You are my rest, my rescue

I don't have to see to believe that You're

lifting me up on Your shoulders

Your shoulders

My help is from You

Don't have to see it to believe it

My help is from you

Don't have to see, 'cause I know, 

'cause I know it's true

My help is from You 

Don't have to see it to believe it

My help is from you

Don't have to see it, 'cause I know

'cause I know it's true

  This song has become the "theme" I guess you could say, of the difficult season of my life.  The season of deep. dark, close to suicide that I was.  This song really helps me to see that God has always been with me.  God even carried me on His shoulders thru my weakness, sickness and most importantly thru my brokenness.  The beginning of this song starts with a scripture that is very familiar to me and it is Psalms 121:1-2.  I have really come to realize that all that darkness that I went thru will be used to help others, whether is thru this blog or those that I interact with on a daily basis.

  I have had some really good progress concerning my son.  I let him know that I am seeing someone and pretty much started a conversation that started off ok, but didn't end as well as I would have liked.  I did however gathered something that I didn't know:  That is that he wants to hear me say, "I want to reconcile."  I left him a couple of messages letting him know that I want to reconcile and after one of the messages he quickly responded.  He wants to reconcile too but he isn't quick sure how to go about it.  Neither do I but I did suggest that we get together and that I am willing to come to him.

So, some progress is better than nothing, after all this time.  I have to keep restrained tho because I absolutely don't want to push him into anything that he is quite ready for.  Also, I want him and my daughter in-law to be on the same page.

  Please remember that even tho God has been my lifeline, I am, by no means, preaching to anyone.  The one thing that I want to get across here is there is light at the end of that deep dark tunnel, hole whatever you refer to it.  Please, Please get help.  Call your regular doctor and he/she should refer you to their "behavioral health" department or the equivalent.  The counseling that I received was awesome.  The main this is that I was able to talk, allow them to give me ways to cope with all that I was feeling.  They didn't not hypnotize, drop or insist that all the crap I was dealing with was anyone else fault.  Thanks to help that I received from my counselors, my carefully selected friends who prayed for and allowed me to hang with them and talk.  I have successfully made it thru, Yes I believe that God seriously help me but if you don't believe in God then please don't think me as forcing you to believe anything that you don't want to believe in.  Just know it is completely possible to completely recover from wanting to commit suicide and deep depression.

Thanksgiving

11/23/16  --  The day before Thanksgiving and I have been sort of reflecting on a few things that have recently happened that I am thankful for.  1) That I am still on the this earth, 2) because God "had me on his shoulders thru all my brokenness" 3) for the fact that I now have a BoyFriend (still sort of sounds strange to say)  4) My son is interested in reconciliation - he has told me himself.
  Those are only a few things, I can most definitely go on and on about the things that I am thankful for, that go back 2 years ago.
For instance:  1) Thankful for the counselor that I was paired with in the very beginning of my Counseling need. 2) for the very few selected friends that prayed with me, and persuaded me to allow her to call the Pastor of the church I was attending, and having him call me 3)  For the drawing of the Lord, to get closer and closer to Him 4) that He was there for me as I clung to Him because that I all I could barely do.  5) for me finally allowing Him to help me understand that I cannot finish anything concerning my son that I have to trust Him, 6) His wonderful mercies, patience and never ending love. 7) God never letting go of me thru my fear, struggles or unbelief and lack of trust.  I know that I was stubborn in many areas because I just couldn't get it.
  You don't have to wait til Thanksgiving to be thankful, we should always be Thankful for different things every year.  There are always people in your life that want to be there for you, the question is; will you let them?
  Yes there are things in my life that have been difficult; like my dad has been put into a nursing home.  This man is someone who I never, in a million years,  thought about going so soon if not at all.
My mom is struggling with the different things attributed to that because she didn't know anything about certain things about the household finances.  I have been dealing with a constant headache due to the added stress of my job not providing all I need to live off of.......I could go on and on but I don't want to because focussing on all negative stuff when my God is way bigger than all that stuff put together.  My needs will be met somehow so long as my eyes remain on Him and not myself or how I would solve those problems.
  I have been working thru a new and different Bible study with a couple of women from the Church I am attending and it is wonderful.  I have been thru a number of different Bible Studies but this one is way different and for this season in my life, I know that I am going to glean more from this one.  Plus, this is a much smaller setting then in the past ones.

This song is called "Shoulders" by For King and Country.
This song is the theme to what I am labeling as the worst time in my life.  This song speaks to the fact that God does care and He will and does go with us thru our hard times, Sometimes to the point of carrying us thru our hard time, or at least a part of it, if needed.

Many things

11/7/16 -- So many things that go on in my mind, sometimes and it just blows my mind.  This man that I can call "mine" is something quite special, I know that I have never experienced anything like it.
This man makes me feel so special by all the things he says to me and even more so when he can make to my place, for a couple hours.  This man work 13 hours a day during the week, plus 9 hours+ on Saturday so Sunday is the only time that he can doing anything around his house and come to see me.  There have been a few times that he has sacrificed normal sleep to make it to me to spend a couple hours, then end up not leaving when he wants to so then he is sacrificing more sleep before having to be to work the next morning.  Those types of things really make me feel special. 
  Now, I think that there is one thing that a number of men if not most men have this thing about not letting you know when plans have changed.  He knows that I look forward to seeing him on Sundays and yet twice now, due to illness with his Aunt, he couldn't make it but forgot to let me know that something changed and he wasn't going to make it.  So, the biggest part of the day yesterday, I was worried about him because I hadn't heard from him  at all, til finally around 7ish pm.  Once I heard from him then I finally relaxed because I then new he was ok, but by that time I had figured out that he wasn't going to make it and that something had obviously come up, but not knowing was driving me nuts, as far as, whether it involved him directly or what.  I guess that means that I really do love and care about him.  I am in such new territory for me that I just am not quite sure what to do and that is a pleasant feeling.
  Now, I have one thing that is just not letting go, even tho things seems to have settled down somewhat concerning my dad; the stress level for me seems to be up enough to cause my headache to return on daily basis.  Since my dad ended up in the hospital, the second time, I have had a headache that won't go away.  Unfortunately, this is the same type of headache that I was dealing with for two years but thankfully it isn't quite as bad, yet I still have to manage it with the medications that I have til I get the next round for the 360 nerve block.  The next appointment for that nerve block is the end of the month.
  With all the things that I have dealt with over the last two years; it is so wonderful to have a very positive thing happening in my life.  To have a man in my life is so unexpected and so scary but I want to move forward because I am enjoying the way that he makes me feel.  We have even been talking about marriage, which seems so quick for me, the quickest that I have ever experienced but not that I have ever heard of.

A bit of a Struggle

11/3/16 -- So, day number 4 of the 1st full week of not working.  I really don't like this not working thing, and not knowing how to go about getting a job.  I do have a couple of "feelers" out but still don't know what to do or think, yet.  I had use some savings, I only had a little put back for taxes and had to use some of it to put towards a couple of bills that I don't want to lose and one not quite yet.   There is one of my bills that am going to be cutting my cable bill, keep the internet.  I have an idea on using a digital version that I will only have to pay to about $20 a month.  I think that I found something that i will be able to watch the main networks that I watch including football, both major league and college.
   I ended up putting in a request with my church, to see if there is anything they can do to help me out to keep my bills paid on.  Just something to keep me from being cancelled.
  I took the children and the young mom to AWANA  with me last night, she talked about the possibility of me working a couple of days next week and maybe tomorrow, to which I said sure.  She is also wanting to maybe have her fiancee shorten his family leave to 3 weeks, which would be helpful to me.  I am really trying to rely on God to provide, yet this is the one area where my faith really struggles with.  To be without a job and having my dad  in the state that he is in, just isn't helping my stress level and therefore my headache has returned to a pretty much daily, not completely going away, presence again.  However, not as bad as when it first set in, but nonetheless it is there.  The thing that I don't like is that this headache makes me tired, to top it off the medication that I take for the headache also makes me tired:  being tired due to the headache and the medication to manage it means that I am napping when I hadn't been.  I have to wait now, for the appointment with the pain management Dr. that is in a couple of weeks.
   It really sucks that my body will only allow me to work the way that I used to plus I really don't want to work in retail again.  I really want to stick with childcare, because I really enjoy taking care of children.  To be honest, I was and am hoping to return to the same family that I have been working with.  I really believe that I was put in among this family for a reason and that reason is the young woman, of which I can relate to, I have been thru some of what she is dealing with.  I know that I will be leaving her soon, not sure how soon, as in there is marriage in my future which then means that I will most likely be moving to where he has a house.  Off course, I am hoping that a better job with less consuming hours will come his way so that he isn't working so many long days.   Any way, this young woman really needs and wants my help and we have been become friends so I do want to help.  To be somewhat completely honest, I don't believe that her fiancee is being as helpful as he told me that he want to be.  However, I am not completely surprised, either.  We will see.
  My mental state is pretty ok, pretty decent I would say.  I am not allowing anything negative to even remotely come close to play games with me.  I do have a counseling appt at the end of the month, if needed.  I had one tomorrow but I cancelled it because I just saw my counselor, last week so I don't deem it necessary to see her again, so soon.  I think that is a very good thing and I am sure that my first Counselor, and the second one would be very please at how far that I have come.  I believe that I am proof that anyone can completely recover from depression and even deep depression.  All that you have to do is reach out, or be cooperative if someone makes the call for you, talk honestly with the counselor, do what the counselor says, take any and all the medication that you might me prescribed and I fully believe that you can recover.  I have done exactly that, I talked honestly with my counselor, processed all that we discussed and he suggested, and employed all different techniques that my counselor suggested plus including my own from my pastor and a very few close friends.  Please don't be someone who depends only on the medication or repeatedly go to counseling and not do what is suggested by him/her.  There are good counselors out there, some might even be at your local clinic, that is where my were and still are.  They don't plant ideas in your head they let you talk and ask questions to provoke you to think more internally and examine so that you can find whatever might me troubling you, the key is allowing yourself to deal with the pain and being able to move past it.  My counselor pointed out something very enlightening and that is that I only spent 1 hour every week or every two weeks with him, but many more hours of that time I did all the work myself, of getting better.
  According to my second counselor, it is possible to completely recover from the verge of suicide and deep depression, it all depends on you or in my case, me.  Since I was pretty darn determined to never experience that blackness ever again, I did all that I could along with renewing my faith in God to get me thru to this point in my life.  After finally getting to the place where I decided I was "done" being "stuck" is when everything else just seem to fall into place.  That is when I decided to get on a dating site or two and when I met the man of whom I am "seeing" from the second dating site

A Good Day

10/31/16 -- I had a pretty good day, yesterday.  I did the normal Sunday thing, go to church (still very important to me) ate lunch afterwards, then about 1:30pm went home.  I ended up dealing with a headache that I had for quite a few days. I ended up taking some medication to help reduce the pain. 
  By mid-afternoon, I couldn't take it anymore, I messaged my Boyfriend (that still sound so strange for me to say) to find out what was going on, and to see if he was going to come to visit.  He did finally answer saying that he had been on the road to me for awhile.  Needless to say, I was beyond excited.  I couldn't wait to see him, it had been two weeks but it felt like longer than that.
  When he finally got here and into my apartment; I just got the most excellent greeting.  He pretty much immediately began kissing and hugging me.  What a greeting, I guess that meant that he missed me.  I think that his intention was to be to my place earlier but he worked later than normal, on Saturday, then he crashed, fell asleep.   Poor guy, after a few minutes of talking and relaxing he fell asleep, he did that a couple of times.  I don't mind, tho because the means that he feels comfortable enough to fall asleep.  His time to leave came way too soon, he has a long drive.  When he was about to leave we started talking about things that he can't eat.  I found out one very important thing about him and that he is allergic, pretty much deathly allergic to anything dairy.  If we were to get married (which is being talked about) i would drastically change the way I make some things.  I also I would have to cook less red meat and pork, it seems that his body just doesn't like it when he consumes it.  That pretty much leaves fish and chicken, and turkey, altho I am not a huge fan of turkey not even the ground stuff, but I can learn to like it.  The dairy allergy is something that I really have to pay attention because he could get sick by kissing me right after I consume anything that had dairy in it.  Things like butter, sour cream, cream cheese, ice cream, and cheese.  So, when I know that he is coming I have to be careful.  I don't want to do anything that would send him to the hospital let alone a two week recovery.
  Now, I have one issue that is adding to my headache problem.  My dad's health issues and add to that not having a job.  The family that I was working with ran into a mental/medical issue for the mom; which meant that the dad ended up taking FMLA 6mos long, then after that he has a 2wk vacation that takes him into January.  So, consequently I am now jobless.  I have zero idea what exactly what I am going to do.   

Life......

10/29/16 -- I had an interesting appointment with my counselor, yesterday.  It was the very first time that I actually met my new counselor.  I counseled with her intern thru the summer, then when he left at the beginning of October, my sessions start with her.  She is quite nice, very easy to talk to but she wanted to know the things that I wanted to work on and/or the issues that I have that I want to work thru.  So, we discussed the three things that I want to work thru; I did forget to mention the fact that I don't have a job right now.
  The added stress of not having a job, on top of my dad's health issues has caused a headache that really hasn't gone away.  I felt it coming on, on Tuesday evening as I was at the hospital, visiting my dad, with my mom.  I ended up not going to the hospital, and staying home. I stayed in my very comfy nightgown with shorts on, I laid in my chais lounge, pretty much all day long.  This headache just makes me so tired, especially when I add the medications I have to take, to the mix.  I still have this headache, but right now it is just hanging out in the background.  This kind of stress my body just isn't handling very well; despite having one great thing going on.
  I have left a message with my son, in messenger, but he still hasn't seen it.  It is rather discouraging that he hasn't seen it, but I have no idea what his work schedule is, so I guess I just need to wait.  After our last conversation, I got the sense that he wants to actually see me letting him know that I want to reconcile.  I am not going to tell him every day, but I will like once a week or every two weeks.
 The still very difficult thing is; my youngest granddaughter's birthday is tomorrow,(she will be 3) and I was really hoping that I would have been invited to the celebration for it, but no such luck.  Thankfully, I haven't been dumb enough to make my hopes too high.  It still would have been nice to hear from him concerning that, oh well. 
  I still have to keep myself focused on the things that have been keeping me on a good path, because I have zero intentions on going back from where I have come.  I had made a call to a Pastor Friend of mine, letting him know of the situation with my dad; during our conversation he did ask me how I was doing, to which I responded with "fine as long as nothing else happens."  Thankfully, he prayed with me, while on the phone and promised to pray for my dad.  I was thankful that he asked that because he is the only one that has asked about me.  Even tho I have been doing pretty good, it is still nice to know that I have people that care about how I am doing.  I also still have my counseling appointments, which is a good thing, I am not quite ready to stop those, altho, I think I can spread them out some.
  

Enjoying the Moment....

10/28/16 -- So, you all know that I have met a man, that lives almost 3 hours away from me.  Well, 2 weeks ago he was in big city that is closer to me, all day, for meetings.  He called me to basically say that he was in a big city closer to me, and that he wanted to come for a visit/first time meeting.  So, about an hour and a half later he knocks on my door.  Needless to say, I was quite excited to see him, and when I opened the door I was mildly surprised because for some reason I expected him to be taller, than he is.  He put me in his arms and kissed me.  I gotta say that it felt so relieve being in his arms.  I don't know, it just felt like we have know each other for years.  The relief was like, he is the one.  
      Yet, I find myself overwhelmed at the fact that this man talks to me in ways that no man has every talked me, very sweetly and respectful.  I am so not used to that, however, I am getting used to it.  I find myself feeling things that I have never felt, thinking things that I have never thought and daydreaming about the two of us together.  We have been discussing so many things, two of which is marriage and children.  So, I am almost a middle aged woman, who is peri-menopausal, and I am having to think about birth control.
I haven't taken birth control, only with the exception of after a miscarriage, to get me back in rhythm.  
  We have been texting for several weeks and it has been great.  He is so sweet and we seem to be having the same thoughts, feelings and such.  He actually used the "L" word that I was surprised to hear.  I have had issues with no man ever really giving me compliments.  I am very much getting used to the way he talks to me.  It feels awesome to have a man, in my life, that really cares and lets me know.  He has told me that I am beautiful, he is the only man to ever say that to me.  I am "enjoying the moment" as he has been telling me.  
  I have come such a long way from 2 years ago, and I am enjoying it.  I finally feel so much better that I just can't believe it.  I have such a clear mind with exception to my mind swimming from all the new emotions and feelings from this new relationship.  My heart is also much less on the negative emotional side.  I still have my moments but they don't last very long and I know how to combat the major negative things that come by. 
  I am encountering some difficult things right now, one is my dad declining health, no job, and my son who is still not talking to me. Now, while these things are hard to deal with, I am not concerned with the difficulty with my son, at this point because I know, and trust that God is working in it.  I have had one little flicker, and that was communication from him after I had told him that (via Facebook messenger) that I am in a relationship.  I haven't heard from him since.  I have been laid-off from my job - a long term lay-off type thing.  The young couple that I had been working for, helping the young mom with her boys.  She has has some mental problems, to the point that she was admitted to the psych ward in a major hospital.  The fiancee decided to take a 6 wk FMLA from his job to help her at home once she came home.  So, consequently I have no job, now.  That is just not something that I was looking to encounter, at this point in time.
  

Something New

10/24/16 -- For the first time in a very, very long time I am have joy, not just happiness and there is a difference.  I have been thru so much over the last 2 years.  It feels absolutely wonderful to actually have joy instead of depression all the times.  
  Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has.  Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful.  It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place.  Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens.  It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.  
  I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me.  It sure seems to have done exactly that.  I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me.  I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt.  It has been great!  I actually feel good about myself.  He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason.  He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome.  This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.

Something New

10/24/16 -- For the first time in a very, very long time I am have joy, not just happiness and there is a difference.  I have been thru so much over the last 2 years.  It feels absolutely wonderful to actually have joy instead of depression all the times.  
  Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has.  Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful.  It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place.  Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens.  It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.  
  I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me.  It sure seems to have done exactly that.  I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me.  I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt.  It has been great!  I actually feel good about myself.  He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason.  He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome.  This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.

Something New

10/24/16 -- For the first time in a very, very long time I am have joy, not just happiness and there is a difference.  I have been thru so much over the last 2 years.  It feels absolutely wonderful to actually have joy instead of depression all the times.  
  Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has.  Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful.  It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place.  Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens.  It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.  
  I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me.  It sure seems to have done exactly that.  I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me.  I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt.  It has been great!  I actually feel good about myself.  He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason.  He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome.  This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.

Something New

10/24/16 -- For the first time in a very, very long time I am have joy, not just happiness and there is a difference.  I have been thru so much over the last 2 years.  It feels absolutely wonderful to actually have joy instead of depression all the times.  
  Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has.  Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful.  It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place.  Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens.  It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.  
  I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me.  It sure seems to have done exactly that.  I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me.  I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt.  It has been great!  I actually feel good about myself.  He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason.  He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome.  This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.

Something New

10/24/16 -- For the first time in a very, very long time I am have joy, not just happiness and there is a difference.  I have been thru so much over the last 2 years.  It feels absolutely wonderful to actually have joy instead of depression all the times.  
  Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has.  Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful.  It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place.  Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens.  It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.  
  I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me.  It sure seems to have done exactly that.  I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me.  I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt.  It has been great!  I actually feel good about myself.  He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason.  He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome.  This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.

New Relationship

10/21/16 -- There is so much going on in my life that I haven't been going thru and dealing with that I have not been able to comprehend it all.
  First, I met a man via a dating site and things have been moving on very quickly.  Fast to the point that I barely have had a chance to comprehend it all.  I have told my son, and I actually heard from, I was surprised, needles to say.  First, he asked understandable questions then began to give me the "third degree" on other stuff.  I was suppose he was actually curious but other things were also on his mind, which I tried to answer without entering into another argument.
  Second, my dad ends up taking two falls that ultimately ended him up in the hospital and now in a nursing home.  My mom can't take care of him anymore due to his size and their house not very conducive to the type of equipment needed to assist mom in taking care of him.
 The fact that this man, whom I have known all my life as mean, intimidating, and strong to have become so weak and incapable of taking care of himself is just incomprehensible to me.  Now mom is needing to learn as much as she can about the household finances because she has no clue.
 But this new man has occupied my mind and emotions and seems that there could very well be a proposal in my future.  I gotta say, that I am a cross between terrified, excited, and happy that I have found someone to be my in my life.  There is one thing that I am thankful for, that he does live far enough away that I can think between the texts and remember that God is my ultimate decision maker and His Blessing is what I need not just want.

Still Treading New Territory

10/8/16 -- Here it is the 8th day of October, and I am still treading in new and different territory, as far as, the way that I have been feeling.  This has been such a change for me that I just don't even know what to think, or how to think.  My mood has been so much better here lately, which is a good thing and different.  I have been wanting to bake, been actually doing that not just wanting to.  Today, I baked a double batch of Chocolate chip cookies.  I lost the recipe that I use so I went to the internet and found the there.  Now I know that who's recipe this is and if I lose that recipe I know where to find it.
  The man that I met on eHarmony, and I are still texting along with working out a way to meet face to face.  His work schedule is bizarre, to me anyway. His day starts super early and he gets done way late, so I am not quite sure how this is going to work.  We are looking at today, but his "half day" is 5pm, today, so I am not sure how this is going to work.  He has to drive an hour and a half to the place we are going to meet, so I just don't know.  I am hoping that we can make it another day, this weekend, even Monday if he doesn't have to work because it is a holiday, Federal holiday anyway.  Oh, I don't know how this is going to work.
  Just the fact that I am working on a relationship is pretty awesome.  I know that I am both exciting and scared about the steps into this relationship.  I am also praying that he is really wanting this too, and willing to make time to get together.  I would really like to see him, for me that is the one thing that will help me to know that I know he is the one, or not.  I really believe that he works too much, I just don't know.  Nonetheless, I am sort of enjoying this.  When we text he makes me feel so special, he does the same when we actually talk.  So amazing to be navigating thru this.

New Feelings

10/2/16 -- So, this is October, where has the past year gone?  To me, it seems that it has gone so fast, hard to imagine the progress that I have made, just in these last 5 months.
  When I started meeting with my new Counselor, I was reeling from my old one leaving and my not really wanting to move on.
  Yet, just in the last couple of weeks I have made the decision to move on regardless of what "unfinished business" is left in my relationship with my son.  I just flat out don't like being stuck where I was: in the place of fear - fear of sliding backwards down that dark hole of deep depression/suicide and the fear of not knowing what lies ahead for me.  Fear of not knowing what its like to be more upbeat and happy and just moving forward.  Somewhere along the way, I decided that i just needed to move forward; that I am not "leaving Dakotah behind", I am just leaving things unfinished.  I don't like leaving something unfinished but I don't have a choice because staying stuck isn't good for me, either.
  It is actually quite strange for me to NOT be so down all the time.  It does feel good to not be down, but to be more upbeat.  Now there are days that my days are rough but nothing that I haven't been able to handle. My last session with my current Counselor ended with a kind of summary of our time together and what we/I have accomplished.  I hadn't thought about the idea that I really have done a great majority of the work needed to get out of depression(of course I readily acknowledge that God has been right beside me all the way)so technically I haven't done it alone.  Yet, to say that the counselor hasn't done anything would be wrong too.  They have been there for me to unload on and to give me suggestions and advice to cope with and how to handle different things. 
  The Counselor that I had(my last session with him was last Monday)quickly noticed that I like to "process" the things that we talk about during our session, after I have left. The processing of the our session is something that I have done from the day of my first session with my very first Counselor.
  I feel like that the biggest thing that I have done (Christ in me)is to finally realize that I am a child of God, that I am the good things that people say that I am and that I am not the person that satan says that I am.
I don't feel like I am the same person that I was 2-3 years ago.  I have been been thru a lot to get to this point but I wouldn't trade it for anything because I wouldn't be who I am now.
  Actually ready to meet a man and be ready for a relationship.

Something cool

9/25/16 --  I have had something very interesting and kinda unexpected.  I subscribed to the eHarmony dating site and have actually been having a conversation, of sorts, with a man who seems to really be interested in me, despite how I look.  Yes, I actually put a photo of myself, in my profile, something that I don't normally like to do but I figured that if someone is truly interested in me they wouldn't care what I look like, bottom line.  This man seems to be a very sweet man, too.  He likes motorcycles and wanted to know if I was afraid of them.  I told him no, been around them a lot when I was a child.  My dad has one.  Anyway, he really seems like a cool man and this really does seem to have potential in becoming something more, than just communicating thru the dating site.
  The nice thing is over the last couple of weeks I have actually been feeling better to the point of gaining my joy back, especially when baking and cooking.  Also, I have been having more days of actually liking who I am working with/for.  I still have days, tho, when I get irritated when working there, not completely sure why; but I do my best to not show when I am irritated because it isn't her, it is me.  There are times that even being around her children can be irritating and just isn't me, I normally, completely enjoy being around children, regardless of the mood I am in, but right now that just isn't the case, at least not with their children.  I am not quite sure why, either.
  I have been actually looking forward to hearing from the man I met on eHarmony, that is something that I wasn't expecting.  I actually woke up this morning after having a stupid dream, wonder why I keep having stupid dreams and wishing I could dream what it would be like to be doing something fun like motorcycle riding with this man?.?.?.?.

Still Working Thru

9/16/16 -- So, this weekend is a festival weekend ing my town.  I have absolutely zero desire to go to this festival.  I have an aversion to large crowds, despite being in a familiar area, its the crowds that I despise, completely.  I have been to the festival, a couple of times, once because we lived like a half a block from the festival, and some of the rides were actually across the street from our apartment.  The last one was when my son was still home, and he did an early run to purchase tickets for a particular food, that can only be gotten during this festival.  I went to get the food, which by the way was quite yummy.
  I also just don't enjoy the festival atmosphere all by myself.  I don't know what it is but I just don't, the crowds are just so overwhelming for me, alone, that I just can't handle it.
  The man that I had been texting, I haven't heard a peep from him at all this morning or all day today.  That pretty much tells me that he was just wanting to get money from me to bail him out of something. To be honest, I still am not at all for sure that he was stuck in an airport.  I am not losing any tears over it because I didn't have anything really investment into the, so-called relationship.  You can't have a relationship when all your doing it discussing money to bail him out of whatever is really going on.
  It's a bummer but because I have had a cautious view of this from the beginning, from the moment he started pestering me for money that I didn't have (told him over and over that I couldn't help him but he just wouldn't take no for an answer) No because I couldn't.
  I just couldn't handle the fact that he didn't believe me, yet he had issues when I would express some disbelief in his situation.  I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but not at the expense of losing what little money I have to work with.
  I am not giving up but I have only a week or two left on one of the dating sites.
  I just feel so weird on these sites, because I feel like the man should be making the moves here, yet I am the one "flirting" or sending brief messages to the men but not really getting much in the way of responses.

It Helps To Talk

9/14/16 -- It really does help to talk things out.  I mean really, there are times that I find myself talking out loud to myself/to God, either way, talking things out loud to yourself or to a human being is truly helpful.
  As I was working thru the hardest part of the suicide of a nurse friend, I found myself unable to sleep for a good couple of hours, last Sunday night. (1 1/2 week ago)  I ended up getting out of bed and reading a couple of little books, on top of the Bible; then I found myself talking out loud.  I was having a (technically) a once sided conversation with God.  I just laid out everything that was on my mind and heart and along with reading His Word, I was able to give him the burden of all that I was feeling.  The suicide still doesn't completely make sense but I am able to move past that unanswerable question, and just grieve the death of my friends.  
  I asked my Counselor if I will be able to completely put depression behind me or will it always be something that kinda hangs out in the fringes, just waiting to overtake me again?  In short, he believes that I can put it completely behind me, the choice really  is up to me.  He gave me the difference between sadness and depression; making sure that I understand that sadness, if left unchecked can lead back to depression.  However, I have a motivation(fear)to not go back that direction plus I do have the tools given by my Counselors and I have a much stronger faith in God, that I WILL NOT go back down the path of depression.
  I firmly believe that depression is something that can be completely overcome, never to go back to that darkness, again.  I believe that it truly is a decision that you, yourself have to make.  No one can make that decision for you.  I strongly encourage counseling and medications if needed, counseling most definitely is helpful, as long as you allow it to me.  You have to be strong and courageous to move out of the darkness and into the light that is enjoying life, and happiness.  Now granted I am not completely there yet, to be honest, that scares me because I have been in the dark for so long that I have forgotten what light feels like.  I have forgotten what it feels like to enjoy doing anything.  I am gradually getting there, tho.
  My passion is baking/cooking and I am slowly getting my desire and zeal back for baking and cooking.  I have enjoyed baking and sharing what I have baked, the same goes for cooking.  I have lost that passion the last couple of years, but it is coming back. Also, there is one "crafty" thing that I like doing but had lost the desire to do it.  However, over the last couple of weeks, I have noticed that I am wanting to get back to it. Altho, I think I will start off with doing something for myself, over that last couple of years, I managed to make a couple of wedding gifts for others, it my turn to make something for myself.

What I was doing......

9/11/16 -- It's interesting what you remember when something traumatic happens, either in your personal life or in the world.
  Sixteen years ago today, I was working in a retail store, in my hometown, in the receiving department, when my boss (at the time) comes running down looking for a tv.  He barely said why, so a bunch of us follow him up to the break room as he set up the tv.  When he was able to get a station, we were all stunned to see the attack on the twin towers.  Those of us that were up there, stood and watched for as long as we could but we had to return to work.  I was working as a Key Receiver, so I had to be in the receiving department for when vendors would come to the back door.  However, I had a radio that I sort of was able to tune into a station that was giving me the news.  I think the entire store was kinda in a dazed mode the whole day.  We did our jobs but we just weren't as focused as we normally would be.  You see, our store manager, at the time, her husband made periodic trips to New York for business, and that was the week that he would have been there.  Thankfully he wasn't to close to the area or his trip was postponed, I think.
  I remember watching a lot of the news until I got tired the same things being shown and repeated.  I listen when there was new information but not long enough to hear the repeated info.  That was most definitely a defining moment in this country, and in my life time.  It's interesting how, every time this anniversary comes up I instantly remember everything that happened that day at work.
  We definitely need to remember all of the people who died that day, not just the ones who were in the buildings but all the first responders who did their jobs knowing they may not go home when all was done that day.  I have never been to New York, I wouldn't mind going to see those memorials, but it takes money to travel and for me that comes in short supply.  I also think that we should be remembering and praying for all of the family members of those who gave their lives, keeping them in our prayers, whenever we think about them.
  

Plans......

9/9/16 -- Today, I received a card and short letter from my nurse friend, the card was thanking me for being her friend, but the letter not only was thanking me but asking me to forgive her for what she was about to do.  Meaning that as she wrote this letter she was planning or had already overdosed.  According to the letter, she had already planned on leaving this world because she couldn't handle living with out her husband, but my/our friend dying was the last straw.  She had already taken the normal steps people (most people anyway) when they are about to commit suicide.  It seems that she already had determined that she wasn't going to ask for help because she couldn't.  It's too bad......
Not even my friendship was enough for her to even want to try, I guess that is the part that I don't completely understand, but oh well.
   I really still am having a difficult time with this, grieving over her death along with the death my friend who died of cancer, two weeks ago now.  Two deaths, one due to illness, one due to the inability to ask for help.  That one is the saddest, please please don't ever be so "lost" in someone friend, spouse or otherwise that you can't ask for help when something happens to that relationship, death or the relationship is dissolved for whatever reasons.  Please, Please, if you find yourself sliding into depression, get help.  If you know someone who has slid or is sliding into depression, please don't ignore them, don't tell them to "buck up" or "put you big person's pants on" it isn't that easy to get out of depression.  I know from my own experience that it isn't easy, to get help.  It does take strength and courage to get help, sometimes either you or someone you know don't have the courage to pick up the phone and make the call, so then you do it for them.  Suicide isn't that far from depression and sometimes it just doesn't take that long to get to the point that you can't or don't want to deal with life anymore, believe me I know from my own experience and from the letter from my nurse friend.
  They say the it's the "loners" you have to worry about - well I say that's true, but not necessarily for the reasons you/people might think.  I say that the loners are the ones who need the friend, not bullies.  The loners, the ones that isolate themselves are the one who most need people who care about them, to be true friends.  The people who hide, stay away from anyone and everyone are the ones who need people who truly care, they are the ones who have the potential of committing suicide.
Maybe not always but I think that there is a higher potential, anyway.  Don't be embarrassed either, because there really isn't anything to be embarrassed about, depression is a disease and it can be made better but only with help.  Professional Counselors are the only ones who can help people who are depressed get out of it, along with some medication, if necessary. 
  I am very thankful that I have found my strength, in God, along with the friends that I do have and the Counseling that I have been going to.  With all this, I don't know that I would have been able to take all this without "crashing" myself.  I mean "crashing" as in maybe committing myself due to my inability to handle those deaths. 

Heavy Heart

9/4/16 -- I start this blog off with a very heavy heart.  The nurse, that took care of my friend for 4 months while she was dying of cancer, took her own life.  This nurse had retired immediately after my friend died because she husband died just 3 days prior and she had inadvertently gotten too close to my friend.  Nurse aren't supposed to do that, so they can keep a proper perspective on treating their patients.   Anyway, the nurse and I kept in contact with each other via text and i was trying to help her work thru this loss but it was just too much for her, apparently because she overdosed on pills, drove herself to the hospital, and was texting me. Her last text to me was telling me that she couldn't breath, I knew that she had done something when she wouldn't tell me why she was going to the hospital.  The hardest this out of all this is the fact that I could have done something if I had know specifically where she was but all I knew was her home address, which she wasn't living at home, she was in a hotel.  So, I couldn't call the police in that city to have them do a well check.  There is 500+ miles between us and I couldn't see any of her signals that she had to have been displaying concerning her intentions.
  I have been where she was but I was fearful of my thought and intentions of suicide so I reached out and got the help I needed and wanted.  This woman just couldn't make the call so she took the easy way out.  I have been recently told that taking the steps that I took, took courage and strength.
  Please, please if you know anyone who is NOT dealing with a recent death very well - grief can easily lead to depression - so please pay attention to your spouses, friends, and siblings when a death occurs to someone you know or even to yourself.  Please, please don't try to get into a grief support group or get professional help, don't let yourself try to manage it on your own.  I know from experience that you cannot deal with grief or depression on your own.  
  My nurse friend made it to the hospital and inside before she collapsed-the docs got to her as she was coding.  She never recovered.  Altho, the nurse taking care of my nurse friend, found an envelop with my name on it, as she was gather up her things for her brother to pick up.  The envelop will be sent to me, on tuesday. 
  This just re-inforces the fact that depression is absolutely nothing to mess with.  If you see anyone you know that is depressed pleased don't tell them to "put your big boy/girl pants on and move on" it seriously isn't that easy.  They need help, get them to get help and don't let up even if you have to be the one to make the call or put them in your car and physically take them to get help.  Also, please don't ignore anyone who is trying to reach out, they may not be doing it in an obvious way, or they could be making plans that could be indicating that the are planning on taking their own lives.  There are suicide hotlines, and websites that can are very helpful and they even have resources that can point you in the right direction for help, but they do talk to you and hopefully successfully talk anyone out of taking their lives.

Another update

9/3/16 -- Well, another knock at my sanity - the nurse that took care of my friend as she struggled with cancer then passed away. This nurse sunk deep into depression and ended attempting to take her life.  Thankfully, she made it to the hospital, collapsed after getting inside and they got to her as she was coding.  Now, she is in critical condition.  According to the last text from her, the only reason she went to the hospital was because of me, I wanted her to get some professional help but she just couldn't make the call.  Given that we live over 500 miles away from each other and I had zero idea how to get her the help she needed.  According to the nurse, taking care of the retired nurse, they have done all they can do, all depends on her will to live.
  I tell you, I am really praying and hoping that she doesn't give up and die.  I am not sure how I will be able to handle that.  I just lost my friend, last week, or has it been two weeks ago now?  Anyway, I have been having issues with the loss of my friend.  I received a couple of packages from the retired nurse that my friend wanted me to have which then caused more tears.  I really don't want to lose this retired nurse, not like this.  Right now she is hanging on.  My God is the only one that knows what is in her heart and how to help her, she can't even communicate right now.
  This turn of events is not anything that I expected, altho I knew that she would have a hard time dealing with the loss of her husband, I was not completely expecting her to sink so far into depression.  Again, distance makes this to stinking difficult, it's ridiculous.  I can't get to her to beside her letting her know that she has a reason to live.  As far as, I know she has a brother but I don't know anything else about her.  I am doing my best to not go to the place where I know can take down further than I want to go.  
  I am watching my favorite college football team right now and they are ahead, which is great.  I have been kind of looking forward to Football season both college and professional.  Also, I have become a fan of professional hockey, and a Chicago Blackhawk fan.  I have come to enjoy listening to Hawks play on WGN digital radio.

Out of My Comfort Zone.....

8/25/16 -- So, I went an did something that I am still very surprised that I did. Shocked, even.  I went and signed onto a dating site, I even paid for a one month subscription, couldn't really afford it but I sacrificed, figuring it is most likely the only way I will meet a single man in my age group.  The second day I already had a bunch of nibbles.  I am currently texting 2 guys.  One man wants to move way too fast for my liking the other one is really "speaking my language".  He talked like I was his girlfriend or wife.  He has sent me  the most beautiful texts and emails.  I can't remember where his lives but I think it's somewhere down south.
  I am so amazed at myself for stepping out of my comfort zone but I just did it-didn't think about, I just did it.  My counselor was quite surprised as well.  It is another way that I am showing that I am ready to move on, by actually taking a step towards doing so.  I am still quite scared but I just figure that I have to do something as I have yet to meet that special someone, and I have been single now for 10+ years and I am just wanting to be married.
I don't go to bars, and there aren't too many things that I do alone because it is just too boring plus I am a bit leery.  I am not a very out going at first, I am more on the shy side so stepping outside my comfort zone and doing it alone. 
  Also, I am still struggling with stuff, so to step out on my own I am not quite sure that I am ready to go full bore.  Taking these steps is so scary and I am still plagued with the inability to accept compliments.  I am also, oh I don't know, I think that I can come up with excuses out of the wazoo but what it boils down to is fear.

Remembering.........

8/20/16 -- Here over that last couple of days I have been remembering the things that happened 2 years ago.  The things that happened to me back in 2014.  I have been thinking back to the events that lead up to my breaking down.  Then about how low I was that I literally wanted to commit suicide by semi.  Seriously, everyday I considered driving into a Semi as I drove home from work, the other option was the bridge pylon of the bridge that was down the road from where my son and daughter in-law used to live.
  Honestly, I find myself amazed that I had ever gotten that low, in my life.  Also, thankful that I reached out to someone who directed me to the right place for the help that I desperately needed.
As I look back I can most definitely see the hand of God, on my life.  He was guiding me every step of the way, even tho I was soo low that I couldn't see, feel or sense Him.  I really lost myself and my way thru life, I really felt that my life and just crumbled down around me as I was thrown away by my son. 
  Now, I am still in Counseling but I have come such an incredibly long way and I am so very thankful for all the people that have had a hand in that "comeback" but most importantly, I am thankful to God, Himself.  I say people, there were a few select people that helped me thru, my Counselor was the primary person that helped me navigate my way thru this.  God totally used him to direct me the right way.
  At this point I am now struggling my way thru with who I am, and what I am supposed to be doing with my life, in this season of my life.  I feel as tho I am supposed to be doing something but I am not sure what.  I have had so many things running thru my mind and I can't quite figure out which is the correct way or path.  Plus, I am struggling with feelings and emotions that I can't quite figure out or understand.  I am a single woman with a very small income, not a lot of the normal skills for the "work force" but I do have skill... I know how to bake and my stuff is pretty darn good; I know hand to cook and that is pretty darn good, well.  I don't know how to go about doing what I like to do and make money at it.  I was told once to find my identity in the things that I like to do rather than finding in thru the people that I have been around.  
  Then there are these dreams that I have been having, I had once recently that was so different from the others and stupid, however I didn't write it down like my Counselor wants me too plus I like writing them down.  I have been trying to remember that last dream so that I can tell my Counselor.
Dreams have a unique way of telling you something if you can stop and think about them.
  I am working for a couple that I am having issues with figuring out the dynamic in this household.  It just boggles my mind.  You see, the father in-law is living there and I just found out that he pays the rent and then some for this couple.  However, there is so little respect for this man it is ridiculous. When supper is prepared there is never any inclusion of the the father in-law.  I worked for 5 hrs, in the late afternoon/evening this past Thursday and when I made dinner, {the couple purchased chicken leg quarters for me to make for the boys, and I could actually include myself} I made sure that the father in-law was included to eat.  He so appreciated that I made a meal that included him because is was the first real meal that he has had in a long time.  He mostly eats sandwiches of one for or another because they don't feed him.  The fact that he forks over so much money into the household and he is treated like garbage, pisses me off.  I do know that he is reaching a point that he will be moving out and then they will be "up a creek without a paddle".
  There are times that I come out of that apartment and I am so overwhelmed and sometimes exhausted by the "stuff" going on.  I have been so detached from the people in this job, including the children, which bothers me. I just don't understand why I am feeling the way I am.  Altho, I have discussed this with my counselor and he seems to think that it is because she went and did something that is so against my beliefs and every fiber of my being that I have emotionally taken a step back.  Plus, I have considered the idea that it is a way to protect myself from the baggage that is young adult couple has, most especially the woman.......

Try to Catch You All Up.....

8/18/16 -- I apologize for not making more regular posts, I have been trying to process stuff and altho writing does help me to do that I just couldn't blog.
  The household that I have been working in is such a confusing mess, to me, sometimes to the point of overwhelming.  As a result, I just don't pay too much attention to it because it just boggles my mind.  There is so much lying going on that it is unbelievable and I just can't deal with it.  I just play along, more like ignore it because I will not be working there forever, most likely past the start of school.  
  There are a couple of things that really irritate me about this household:  the woman of the house doesn't really follow thru on the stuff that she specifically asks me advice and suggestions on; in the way of taking care of the children, cleaning, and cooking.  I can tell so much because every time I go into the house, I can tell she isn't doing the things that I suggest because the place is a mess and the boys have been allowed to do whatever they want and aren't properly dressed.  Those boys listen to me apparently better than they listen to their mother, and I am guessing that it is because all she does is yell at them. Children don't listen, very well, to someone who does nothing but yell at them, when there is no consequences to their actions.
  Then there is this whole, the grandpa is living with them and I just found out that he is actually paying more than his share of the expenses and such in that household.  He is basically paying their rent, plus a utility bill or so....  Yet, the way that he is treated is absolutely ridiculous!!!!  I told him that he should be using that as leverage because then maybe they would think twice about treating him like crap!  The don't even bother including him in the meal they sit down to eat, and he probably paid for that meal.  When I was there last night, I worked 5 hours last night rather than yesterday, I made the boys dinner and included him in the deal as well.  He should be eating healthier than he does.
  Enough about them, altho they do seem to have an effect on my mental capacity.  I have been still going to counseling which I really like.  I gotta admit that I really like the whole idea of having someone to talk to because I don't have anyone within my household that fits that bill.  More on that later.

Such A Trying Time pt. 2.................

8/7/16  --  The day that the mom of these boys, told be that she had an abortion knocked me for a loop.  I mean, seriously, I really didn't know what to say, but I know that I needed to say something because she needed me to.  Let me tell you, I had to choose my words carefully because I had so many thoughts and emotions running thru my mind and I really didn't want to just let her have it.  I was surprised, I was angry, and disappointed and other things that I just couldn't put into words.
  Thankfully, God provided me the words and ability to keep calm and select my words mindfully because the last thing that I wanted to do was hurt her anymore than she was already hurting.  Her "husband", the boys dad as well as the child's dad didn't give her a choice.  Also, she had lied to me in the prior 2 weeks plus she had been ignoring but now I understand why.  Her and her fiancee' must have been arguing whether to have the abortion or not, but he gave her no choice.  I told her that there is always a choice because if you don't want the child, for whatever the reason, then put it up for adoption but don't kill it. 
  {To those of you the have had abortion - I don't look down on you, or condemn you for doing so.  I forgive just like Jesus Christ forgives me and you.  I am very much against abortion.  When you "abort" a child - it is a child the moment it is conceived - therefore you are committing murder.  So, there is one way to avoid it - do not put yourself in a situation where you can get pregnant in the first place. Birth control is not a 100% grantee that you won't get pregnant.   Also, if you find yourself pregnant outside of marriage or even inside of marriage and you know that you can't take care of the child then put that child up for adoption.  There are plenty of childless couples in this country that would love to have a child to love and take care of.}  That is my not so humble opinion on the subject of abortion.  You all are more than welcome to disagree, I don't mind because I don't expect everyone to agree with me and I am not shoving anything down anyones throat.}
  I assured her that I don't hate her and that she is forgiven both by me and by God.  However, I did let her know that I was upset with the fact that she hadn't been upfront with me from the beginning.  She understood that very well.
  My mind however was just blown - as in with the stuff that my counselor and I had discussed and I was mulling over - add that not so small bombshell to the mix and you have one overwhelmed person.  Yep, that was me - it has taken me a couple days to work thru and even put it off to the "side" because this is not for me to handle alone.  You see, I firmly believe that God can and does, share our burdens if not take them so we don't have to carry them alone.  Also, He is much better to handle them than I am because my stuff and her stuff is just too much for me.