6/26/15 -- So, yesterday was quite the interesting morning. It started off with getting work earlier, then session with my counselor, Rabbit Trails Bible Study, Appt. with my Neurologist, follow up. Nothing like "killing 3 birds with 1 stone".
The session with my Counselor was emotional, as usual. It always is when I am with him, I have to admit that I absolutely hate going a month between visits, that is just plain too long. To many things can happen and/or too much time to think or become hard or something. As usual, he took down the path that I hadn't wanted to go for the last couple of weeks, but when I am in session with him, I don't mind, I know that I am in a safe, with a respectful, safe person. He also like to press, so he did that again and asked some pressing questions which I don't mind, I expect nothing less from him. It is his way for provoking thought and helping also for him to understand better.
The one big thing that we discussed; the picture my daughter in-law posted with some words that had something to do with grandma being miles away but being under the same stars--notice the singular word grandma she WAS NOT referring to me or including me at ALL! Talk about driving a knife into my heart or throwing more salt into the wound. She is excluding me from their lives as a grandma and my son is allowing her to do it! I don't get it! How can he allow her to exclude me as grandma?!😪ðŸ˜
I feel that it is so bad that I have made a rather heart wrenching decision, however I really can't follow thru because the people involved are dealing with some other stuff right now. The reason I have made this heart wrenching decision is because I really don't know the truth of my son's feeling towards me or how soon this situation between us will be resolved; I feel I must get some things taken care of regarding my personal estate and things along that line. So basically, my son is no longer my executor of my "so called" estate. I have decided to make a very special couple the executor of my "so called" estate. He can deal with my son and if my son is willing to accept the conditions of the "will" and conditions of the "estate" then he can have it all. If he is not then the executor can have it all for him and his children because they are like family to me anyway.
My counselor and I also then discussed the fact that I have felt like I have been becoming hard hearted and I don't like it but yet I do because I am sick and tired of being a puddle of emotions every time someone asks me how I am doing. He said that is normal and ok; it is a normal progression because it is a means of protection. He suggested that I control it by determining when and where I wanted to go to the "pile of crap" and when I don't. So, the "hard heartedness is fine as a means of protection as long as I control it. That is a total relief to me because on the one hand I want to protect myself from all the emotional crap but I don't want to become hard towards God and what He has and wants to continue to do in my life.
I am so totally still struggling mentally and emotionally because grappling with the treatment coming from son and his wife is just incomprehensible to me. I am really relying on God after all He is the ONE and ONLY that can do anything to change this. He is the ONLY ONE the can get to my son and family. He is the ONLY ONE that I can trust. I also do know that I am not doing a very good job of being obedient to God by trusting, forgiving, truly believing that He can do all the is Promised in His Word.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Learning/struggling along
6/23/15 -- Last weekend was an interesting weekend for me because it was an extended one and I wasn't looking forward to it at all. I wanted so much to not be around my apt for the entire 4 days but that is exactly what ended up happening because I had no choice! What I ended up doing is keeping myself busy by creating a mess that I had to clean up. I went thru my tote of "summer clothes" to see what I really had and went thru to see what had to be thrown away or given away. I finally got thru it all but it took me all 4 days to get it all put away. Basically, it was just away to keep my mind occupied so that I wouldn't have to go to a place that I don't want to go.
What is an interesting about this week is my Counselor is back in the office after being off for being off for what I think is a week and a half or so. The interesting thing is I normally look forward to seeing him because I like talking to him about the things that are on my heart but this week/month {because it has been a month since my last visit with him} I sort am not looking forward to my session with my counselor. I sort of do not want to go "there" this time. I am tired of the emotional roller coaster that I have been on for the last year and even more so this last several months, not only that but, I am coming up on a year, since the worst of this started and I am afraid [for lack of better terminology] of what I could see on Facebook this year, again around the forth of July.
I know that my counselor will "make" me to the that place, that I don't like going and to be honest I don't mind going there with him. He is so empathetic and does he best to understand also he is very caring, I so appreciate that. He does an excellent job of encouraging me, as well, that means a lot to me too. What is even cooler, is the fact that he periodically checks on me, especially when it's been a month since since our last visit.
A picture showed up on Facebook from my daughter in-law's professional photo page, last week, of my granddaughters sitting on a dock in the evening, with the words, something to the effect of - with grandma miles away it's nice to know we are looking at the same stars. Notice the singular "grandma" she was NOT referring to me or including me, AT ALL! You cannot imagine how much that hurts and how angry that made me. She is leaving me out of their lives as a grandma! Thankfully I can download the pictures without the words! Inside I have been "fit to be tied" that is why I haven't been willing to "go there" with anyone. I did tell mom but I didn't really go there emotionally, I haven't gone there since I saw that on Facebook.
This has been a learning experience for me, about myself and I still haven't figured things out. Go figure. This study I am doing has, in some ways, challenged me but not, the Grace part has especially the suffering part of grace. My problem, among many :) is that I can grasp how long this has lasted lest along that it could last longer. Then there is this "I can't believe my son has done this. I have really been struggling with angry with or at him and blaming her or even myself somehow. I is a constant struggle to keep from staying angry or continuing to blame them.
What is an interesting about this week is my Counselor is back in the office after being off for being off for what I think is a week and a half or so. The interesting thing is I normally look forward to seeing him because I like talking to him about the things that are on my heart but this week/month {because it has been a month since my last visit with him} I sort am not looking forward to my session with my counselor. I sort of do not want to go "there" this time. I am tired of the emotional roller coaster that I have been on for the last year and even more so this last several months, not only that but, I am coming up on a year, since the worst of this started and I am afraid [for lack of better terminology] of what I could see on Facebook this year, again around the forth of July.
I know that my counselor will "make" me to the that place, that I don't like going and to be honest I don't mind going there with him. He is so empathetic and does he best to understand also he is very caring, I so appreciate that. He does an excellent job of encouraging me, as well, that means a lot to me too. What is even cooler, is the fact that he periodically checks on me, especially when it's been a month since since our last visit.
A picture showed up on Facebook from my daughter in-law's professional photo page, last week, of my granddaughters sitting on a dock in the evening, with the words, something to the effect of - with grandma miles away it's nice to know we are looking at the same stars. Notice the singular "grandma" she was NOT referring to me or including me, AT ALL! You cannot imagine how much that hurts and how angry that made me. She is leaving me out of their lives as a grandma! Thankfully I can download the pictures without the words! Inside I have been "fit to be tied" that is why I haven't been willing to "go there" with anyone. I did tell mom but I didn't really go there emotionally, I haven't gone there since I saw that on Facebook.
This has been a learning experience for me, about myself and I still haven't figured things out. Go figure. This study I am doing has, in some ways, challenged me but not, the Grace part has especially the suffering part of grace. My problem, among many :) is that I can grasp how long this has lasted lest along that it could last longer. Then there is this "I can't believe my son has done this. I have really been struggling with angry with or at him and blaming her or even myself somehow. I is a constant struggle to keep from staying angry or continuing to blame them.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Trying to Deal Better
6/15/15 -- These last couple of weeks have been a huge challenge for me and I know that I have not been doing a very good job of blogging or being an encouragement to those of you who read this, I apologize. I have really been struggling myself and have not been able to encourage anyone because the moving of my son and family as just thrown me for a loop, in a sense. To further complicate things they did something with my bike that they had been storing for me and {the main, important thing} is they didn't take the gifts that I had for the girls at Christmas time. I just really haven't recovered from that but I have been trying, at the same time I have been going thru a Bible Study that has been giving me "food for thought" so to speak. The Word of God still is my foundation, struggles or not. It has difficult for me to focus on God or the Bible, which is pretty pathetic, when you think about it but oh well.
Then there is this whole headache thing. Yes, the headache has returned, dang it! I have had it now for the last 3-4 days and my Imitrex has somewhat reduced the pain, but in reality not much. Thankfully I do have an appt. with my neurologist on the 25th. However, he requested that I keep him updated via the clinic email, which I have been doing. The headache has been making an appearance over the last couple of weeks as well and my neurologist has been in the loop. This is so not a good thing and I am not very happy about it. I have a bad feeling that this is going to mean some medication adjustment rather than a tapering down of the Topamax.
I also was seriously want to go see my family in Ohio and I was planning I was on taking the train however the ticket went up from one time I checked to the next time I checked - the key thing tho is the return time wasn't working out for me. I want to return on Sunday but they have me returning on Monday which is not a good thing. So, no Ohio this month, hopefully later this year when I can stay longer especially now that I have a much better idea on cost for the train and buses also for the possibility of staying in a hotel the day before the train in Chicago. I can save up for a few months, I checked airlines and they are triple the cost of the train which is ridiculous.
My emotions are so confused right now - I deal with being angry every time someone asks me about my son which then blends into being angry at or with my son, not good. I don't want to be or like being angry with or at my son. I am not consistently angry only when some one inquires about him. Then I deal with being home all the time and having too much on my mind or should I say only one thing on my mind which isn't good because it always takes me to a place I want to stay away from, yet it is very hard to when I really don't have a whole lot to distract me from those thoughts unless I keep the stupid TV on and I kind of get tired of doing that.
This week I have Thursday and Friday off along with the weekend and I am really not liking the prospect of that at all with nothing specially fun to do or go. My birthday is on Thursday and I really am not going to have anyone to celebrate it with, a bummer. I am taking part in a Bible Study on Thursday mornings and I will be taking some special cupcakes for that, other than that, there is nothing else going on. I wish I had more friends that I could do things with.
Then there is this whole headache thing. Yes, the headache has returned, dang it! I have had it now for the last 3-4 days and my Imitrex has somewhat reduced the pain, but in reality not much. Thankfully I do have an appt. with my neurologist on the 25th. However, he requested that I keep him updated via the clinic email, which I have been doing. The headache has been making an appearance over the last couple of weeks as well and my neurologist has been in the loop. This is so not a good thing and I am not very happy about it. I have a bad feeling that this is going to mean some medication adjustment rather than a tapering down of the Topamax.
I also was seriously want to go see my family in Ohio and I was planning I was on taking the train however the ticket went up from one time I checked to the next time I checked - the key thing tho is the return time wasn't working out for me. I want to return on Sunday but they have me returning on Monday which is not a good thing. So, no Ohio this month, hopefully later this year when I can stay longer especially now that I have a much better idea on cost for the train and buses also for the possibility of staying in a hotel the day before the train in Chicago. I can save up for a few months, I checked airlines and they are triple the cost of the train which is ridiculous.
My emotions are so confused right now - I deal with being angry every time someone asks me about my son which then blends into being angry at or with my son, not good. I don't want to be or like being angry with or at my son. I am not consistently angry only when some one inquires about him. Then I deal with being home all the time and having too much on my mind or should I say only one thing on my mind which isn't good because it always takes me to a place I want to stay away from, yet it is very hard to when I really don't have a whole lot to distract me from those thoughts unless I keep the stupid TV on and I kind of get tired of doing that.
This week I have Thursday and Friday off along with the weekend and I am really not liking the prospect of that at all with nothing specially fun to do or go. My birthday is on Thursday and I really am not going to have anyone to celebrate it with, a bummer. I am taking part in a Bible Study on Thursday mornings and I will be taking some special cupcakes for that, other than that, there is nothing else going on. I wish I had more friends that I could do things with.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
This Past Weekend
6/8/15 -- This past weekend was really super rough because my son and family moved, without saying good-bye. I tell you what it really sucked that I didn't have anyone to talk to throughout the day. I really could've used someone to talked to just because that would've helped to get thru. I did have a few things to do that day but it wasn't enough to completely distract me. I got my hair cut and went to a graduation party even tho I had thought about not going, I was expected so I had to go.
I had an absolutely sleepless night, I went to church but was too exhausted to go to a graduation party that I was planning on going to.
6/9/15 -- I had such a headache yesterday that I couldn't complete this blog, period. I had forgotten to put my headache medication in my backpack so I went all day with out it, so the headache made me tire, as usual, I dosed only an hour. It was so intense tho that I couldn't think much. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go to a study that I normally go to, Monday nights, because of this dumb headache. By the time I was able to take my Imitrex, when I got home from work, the headache was in full swing. This morning my head just kind of feels like it's in a vice but it doesn't ache like it did yesterday, which is a good thing.
I am still having such a difficult time with my family moving but I know that it's done, it is totally a bummer. I did hear that last known is my son didn't have a job. Apparently he didn't want to work for Pizza Hut cause they didn't pay as much as Applebees, so he was hoping to get in there. If I was him I would would have gotten in at Pizza Hut then applied at Applebees and gone from there, but that is just me. I would have done what makes sense. So, you see that just all the more fuels the fire for me that proves that they moved in a hurry and didn't wait for anything to happen.
I was informed, last night, that my friends husband said that he would be willing to continue to pick me up as long as I have decided to continue going to our local church. I was pretty upset when he decided he wasn't going to pick me up just because I was feeling overwhelmed. When my friend told me that I responded with: "It wasn't a matter of where I go it just was a matter of feeling overwhelmed which I still at times do still.
I had an absolutely sleepless night, I went to church but was too exhausted to go to a graduation party that I was planning on going to.
6/9/15 -- I had such a headache yesterday that I couldn't complete this blog, period. I had forgotten to put my headache medication in my backpack so I went all day with out it, so the headache made me tire, as usual, I dosed only an hour. It was so intense tho that I couldn't think much. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go to a study that I normally go to, Monday nights, because of this dumb headache. By the time I was able to take my Imitrex, when I got home from work, the headache was in full swing. This morning my head just kind of feels like it's in a vice but it doesn't ache like it did yesterday, which is a good thing.
I am still having such a difficult time with my family moving but I know that it's done, it is totally a bummer. I did hear that last known is my son didn't have a job. Apparently he didn't want to work for Pizza Hut cause they didn't pay as much as Applebees, so he was hoping to get in there. If I was him I would would have gotten in at Pizza Hut then applied at Applebees and gone from there, but that is just me. I would have done what makes sense. So, you see that just all the more fuels the fire for me that proves that they moved in a hurry and didn't wait for anything to happen.
I was informed, last night, that my friends husband said that he would be willing to continue to pick me up as long as I have decided to continue going to our local church. I was pretty upset when he decided he wasn't going to pick me up just because I was feeling overwhelmed. When my friend told me that I responded with: "It wasn't a matter of where I go it just was a matter of feeling overwhelmed which I still at times do still.
Friday, June 5, 2015
Headache Returned
6/5/15 -- To add to all the other issues the headache has returned but not in the severity that it was before which is a good thing. Since the headache has started it hasn't let up unless I take Imitrex but it has not been as intense has it was before the injection. I still just don't like having a headache that doesn't go away.
My Aunt texted me wanted some info for her Family Tree stuff but she had also asked how i was doing. I told her that is was doing "so, so" because my son is moving 3 hrs away and hasn't reconciled. She then responds with, "at least he's not moving to Ohio." I told her that, that "he might as well be because I don't have an address." I know that I am being 'cynical' but I can't help it because it's how I feel at this point in time. She just encouraged me to keep looking to God, which I am doing the best I can. This time around I am having a very difficult time bouncing back out of the hole, particularly because of the closeness of so many significant days. The Easter Holiday, someone's comment, Mother's day, and their sudden fast inconsiderate move. The fact that I just feel like crawling into a hole or driving as far as my money will take me.
There have been a number of people that have tried to put a positive perspective twist when I answer their questions. Yet, I just can't seem to see their positive perspective right now given the bad things that they, my son and daughter in-law, have done and said to me. I know that I have talked about the fact the God has been my strength, he still is, right now I am in a real moment of weakness and still clinging to God by a string. We are all entitled to have moments or periods of weakness and this time is mine.
God is still my foundation yet I still struggle with depression and things like 'why am I still here or what is my purpose here?' Another thing that I am struggling with after my session with my Counselor, is "who Am I?" I know who I am in Christ" at least in my head, but it really hasn't sunk in, in my heart but the other thing is; who am I, what is my role now since/that my son doesn't want me any more -- to go along with the fact I just need to discover who I am, outside of being a mom or the grandparent of my own granddaughters.
My Aunt texted me wanted some info for her Family Tree stuff but she had also asked how i was doing. I told her that is was doing "so, so" because my son is moving 3 hrs away and hasn't reconciled. She then responds with, "at least he's not moving to Ohio." I told her that, that "he might as well be because I don't have an address." I know that I am being 'cynical' but I can't help it because it's how I feel at this point in time. She just encouraged me to keep looking to God, which I am doing the best I can. This time around I am having a very difficult time bouncing back out of the hole, particularly because of the closeness of so many significant days. The Easter Holiday, someone's comment, Mother's day, and their sudden fast inconsiderate move. The fact that I just feel like crawling into a hole or driving as far as my money will take me.
There have been a number of people that have tried to put a positive perspective twist when I answer their questions. Yet, I just can't seem to see their positive perspective right now given the bad things that they, my son and daughter in-law, have done and said to me. I know that I have talked about the fact the God has been my strength, he still is, right now I am in a real moment of weakness and still clinging to God by a string. We are all entitled to have moments or periods of weakness and this time is mine.
God is still my foundation yet I still struggle with depression and things like 'why am I still here or what is my purpose here?' Another thing that I am struggling with after my session with my Counselor, is "who Am I?" I know who I am in Christ" at least in my head, but it really hasn't sunk in, in my heart but the other thing is; who am I, what is my role now since/that my son doesn't want me any more -- to go along with the fact I just need to discover who I am, outside of being a mom or the grandparent of my own granddaughters.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Trouble Sleeping
6/3/15 -- Last night I know I didn't sleep very well because I just haven't been. I have finally been able to sleep at least 6 hours but after that it's a toss up. I can always tell how much I toss around by what ends up on the floor. (my pillows that is) This morning I woke up early, like an hour my alarm went off, thanks to my cats. One of them, Penni mainly, starts bouncing off me and Bear starts meowing cause they are hungry. So, I get up go the the bathroom and check their food and low and before their dishes are actually empty, I was surprised. So, I put food in it and went back to bed but couldn't go back to sleep, of course. I just laid there there thinking about this weekend, Saturday, and the fact that my son and family will be moving far far away. In my view, they are moving a world away, I realize it's only 3 hours away however because I have no means of contacting them it feels like a world way! I just don't know how I am going to react, don't know what Friday night is going to be like or even Saturday will. I have already had certain thoughts run thru my mind, which of course I don't like.
I do right in my in journal while my breakfast is getting warm, at least part of it. Also, I drink my coffee. Expressing my thoughts in my journal is so much better than holding it all in. It is real difficult when no one truly understand where I am coming from and how I am feeling, heck I don't get how and why I am feeling what I am feeling. These feeling, at times, just don't make sense to me, on many levels.
I have don't at least one thing right recently. I went to a place to get some financial advice, it will interesting to see how far this goes because as far as I am concerned I am staying with them long term because of the accountability. I have no one to be accountable to within my 'household' so to have someone outside my 'household' is a good thing, in my view. The reason for the accountability is so my finances don't get out of whack since I can't seem to focus to well right now and get overwhelmed on things like making longterm decisions, right now. I want to make these kinds of decisions but I just don't this that I can because overtime I think about it, thoughts of my son cross my mind, because he was suppose to be my heir even though I don't have much.
I do right in my in journal while my breakfast is getting warm, at least part of it. Also, I drink my coffee. Expressing my thoughts in my journal is so much better than holding it all in. It is real difficult when no one truly understand where I am coming from and how I am feeling, heck I don't get how and why I am feeling what I am feeling. These feeling, at times, just don't make sense to me, on many levels.
I have don't at least one thing right recently. I went to a place to get some financial advice, it will interesting to see how far this goes because as far as I am concerned I am staying with them long term because of the accountability. I have no one to be accountable to within my 'household' so to have someone outside my 'household' is a good thing, in my view. The reason for the accountability is so my finances don't get out of whack since I can't seem to focus to well right now and get overwhelmed on things like making longterm decisions, right now. I want to make these kinds of decisions but I just don't this that I can because overtime I think about it, thoughts of my son cross my mind, because he was suppose to be my heir even though I don't have much.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Still Needing A Plan
6/2/15 -- So, the 'so called' plan that I had for this week is no longer because my friend said that her family now is coming so they come first. So much for that! Now what?! Don't get me wrong, I do understand this weekend is her son's graduation so a lot of family is coming in from a ways a way.
My son and family are moving this weekend and I can't do a darn thing to be apart of the good-bye. My daughter in-law is even lying about my bike, which somehow I am not too awfully surprised about, I guess. That is irritating but nothing I can do about it, all I can do is hope that it will be there when they move. Truthfully, it isn't about the bike, it is more about the gifts that I have for the girls that I really want the girls to have. I sent my son a Facebook message but there is go guarantee that he will read it, of course. I gotta tell you, as a grandma I don't know what I am going to do if I am stuck with those gifts because I made them/bought (the one for the youngest) and I haven't been able to give to them. It seems they don't want them to have the gifts from me which is pretty pathetic and heart breaking. So, for me to have to hang onto the gifts til I can give them to them, but the one is actually for the youngest age right now. I will have to pack them away so I don't have to see them every time I look into a closet. It is very heartbreaking that neither one of them care about what they are doing to me, they are totally being selfish.
This last month to two months have been very difficult, I have had a lot of encouragement and I am doing my best to let it sink in because I know what people are encouraging me with is great. God is using these people to speak to me yet I am having issues with 100% accepting what is being said, don't know why. It is rather strange.
My son and family are moving this weekend and I can't do a darn thing to be apart of the good-bye. My daughter in-law is even lying about my bike, which somehow I am not too awfully surprised about, I guess. That is irritating but nothing I can do about it, all I can do is hope that it will be there when they move. Truthfully, it isn't about the bike, it is more about the gifts that I have for the girls that I really want the girls to have. I sent my son a Facebook message but there is go guarantee that he will read it, of course. I gotta tell you, as a grandma I don't know what I am going to do if I am stuck with those gifts because I made them/bought (the one for the youngest) and I haven't been able to give to them. It seems they don't want them to have the gifts from me which is pretty pathetic and heart breaking. So, for me to have to hang onto the gifts til I can give them to them, but the one is actually for the youngest age right now. I will have to pack them away so I don't have to see them every time I look into a closet. It is very heartbreaking that neither one of them care about what they are doing to me, they are totally being selfish.
This last month to two months have been very difficult, I have had a lot of encouragement and I am doing my best to let it sink in because I know what people are encouraging me with is great. God is using these people to speak to me yet I am having issues with 100% accepting what is being said, don't know why. It is rather strange.
Monday, June 1, 2015
This is the Week
6/1/15 -- Well, here we go this the final week that my son and family will be in town, then they will be gone, just gone, no good-byes, no nothing. :( This is very upsetting to me and I am doing my very best to not think about it too much but at the same time I can't help it.
This past Friday was and early day from work so I made a stop at a place that is a Financial institution based on a Christian's point of view, which is awesome. You see, I have been having a very difficult time focusing on a variety different things as a direct result of depression. As a result I am having a harder time than normal managing my money which so is not a good thing. Thankfully, I have recognized this before anything has gotten to seriously out of hand but the idea is to keep it from getting out of hand and to maybe, hopefully prevent the same disaster that seems to happen every year since I have been working for Brian. The end/to the beginning of the year I always end up very short and I don't like having to borrow/ask for money from my mom. The reason is; there is no work scheduled for my Boss by his co-worker so when he doesn't work then I don't work. It is very humbling to open up my finances to someone else and ask for help. Thankfully this company does it for free and they have the same principles that I want and like but am just having a very difficult doing on my own.
I have been going back to my local church with the encouragement of the Pastor and others but my Friend and I have been having my friend pick me up cause I didn't want to go alone on Sunday mornings, because at first I was afraid of the question that I thought I might get concerning my son. I never got those questions, by the way. Now, tho I still having issues with going alone and being there alone, I just don't like being there alone. It's weird that I am having such a difficult time acclimating back into my home church. To top it all off, my Friend and husband are going to stop picking me up after this coming Sunday cause they feeling like they are forcing me to go my local church. They aren't but they seem to think they are. They don't understand the trouble that I am having with acclimating that I am having and if they force me into a choice I could very well choose to not go anywhere. It's not a question of not wanting to go to my local church or feeling forced it's just a feeling that I can't quite explain.
This past Friday was and early day from work so I made a stop at a place that is a Financial institution based on a Christian's point of view, which is awesome. You see, I have been having a very difficult time focusing on a variety different things as a direct result of depression. As a result I am having a harder time than normal managing my money which so is not a good thing. Thankfully, I have recognized this before anything has gotten to seriously out of hand but the idea is to keep it from getting out of hand and to maybe, hopefully prevent the same disaster that seems to happen every year since I have been working for Brian. The end/to the beginning of the year I always end up very short and I don't like having to borrow/ask for money from my mom. The reason is; there is no work scheduled for my Boss by his co-worker so when he doesn't work then I don't work. It is very humbling to open up my finances to someone else and ask for help. Thankfully this company does it for free and they have the same principles that I want and like but am just having a very difficult doing on my own.
I have been going back to my local church with the encouragement of the Pastor and others but my Friend and I have been having my friend pick me up cause I didn't want to go alone on Sunday mornings, because at first I was afraid of the question that I thought I might get concerning my son. I never got those questions, by the way. Now, tho I still having issues with going alone and being there alone, I just don't like being there alone. It's weird that I am having such a difficult time acclimating back into my home church. To top it all off, my Friend and husband are going to stop picking me up after this coming Sunday cause they feeling like they are forcing me to go my local church. They aren't but they seem to think they are. They don't understand the trouble that I am having with acclimating that I am having and if they force me into a choice I could very well choose to not go anywhere. It's not a question of not wanting to go to my local church or feeling forced it's just a feeling that I can't quite explain.
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