6/23/15 -- Last weekend was an interesting weekend for me because it was an extended one and I wasn't looking forward to it at all. I wanted so much to not be around my apt for the entire 4 days but that is exactly what ended up happening because I had no choice! What I ended up doing is keeping myself busy by creating a mess that I had to clean up. I went thru my tote of "summer clothes" to see what I really had and went thru to see what had to be thrown away or given away. I finally got thru it all but it took me all 4 days to get it all put away. Basically, it was just away to keep my mind occupied so that I wouldn't have to go to a place that I don't want to go.
What is an interesting about this week is my Counselor is back in the office after being off for being off for what I think is a week and a half or so. The interesting thing is I normally look forward to seeing him because I like talking to him about the things that are on my heart but this week/month {because it has been a month since my last visit with him} I sort am not looking forward to my session with my counselor. I sort of do not want to go "there" this time. I am tired of the emotional roller coaster that I have been on for the last year and even more so this last several months, not only that but, I am coming up on a year, since the worst of this started and I am afraid [for lack of better terminology] of what I could see on Facebook this year, again around the forth of July.
I know that my counselor will "make" me to the that place, that I don't like going and to be honest I don't mind going there with him. He is so empathetic and does he best to understand also he is very caring, I so appreciate that. He does an excellent job of encouraging me, as well, that means a lot to me too. What is even cooler, is the fact that he periodically checks on me, especially when it's been a month since since our last visit.
A picture showed up on Facebook from my daughter in-law's professional photo page, last week, of my granddaughters sitting on a dock in the evening, with the words, something to the effect of - with grandma miles away it's nice to know we are looking at the same stars. Notice the singular "grandma" she was NOT referring to me or including me, AT ALL! You cannot imagine how much that hurts and how angry that made me. She is leaving me out of their lives as a grandma! Thankfully I can download the pictures without the words! Inside I have been "fit to be tied" that is why I haven't been willing to "go there" with anyone. I did tell mom but I didn't really go there emotionally, I haven't gone there since I saw that on Facebook.
This has been a learning experience for me, about myself and I still haven't figured things out. Go figure. This study I am doing has, in some ways, challenged me but not, the Grace part has especially the suffering part of grace. My problem, among many :) is that I can grasp how long this has lasted lest along that it could last longer. Then there is this "I can't believe my son has done this. I have really been struggling with angry with or at him and blaming her or even myself somehow. I is a constant struggle to keep from staying angry or continuing to blame them.
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