Counseling Session

6/26/15 -- So, yesterday was quite the interesting morning.  It started off with getting work earlier, then session with my counselor, Rabbit Trails Bible Study, Appt. with my Neurologist, follow up.  Nothing like "killing 3 birds with 1 stone".
  The session with my Counselor was emotional, as usual.  It always is when I am with him, I have to admit that I absolutely hate going a month between visits, that is just plain too long.  To many things can happen and/or too much time to think or become hard or something.   As usual, he took down the path that I hadn't wanted to go for the last couple of weeks, but when I am in session with him, I don't mind, I know that I am in a safe, with a respectful, safe person.  He also like to press, so he did that again and asked some pressing questions which I don't mind, I expect nothing less from him.  It is his way for provoking thought and helping also for him to understand better.
   The one big thing that we discussed; the picture my daughter in-law posted with some words that had something to do with grandma being miles away but being under the same stars--notice the singular word grandma she WAS NOT referring to me or including me at ALL!  Talk about driving a knife into my heart or throwing more salt into the wound.  She is excluding me from their lives as a grandma and my son is allowing her to do it!  I don't get it!  How can he allow her to exclude me as grandma?!😪😠
    I feel that it is so bad that I have made a rather heart wrenching decision, however I really can't follow thru because the people involved are dealing with some other stuff right now.  The reason I have made this heart wrenching decision is because I really don't know the truth of my son's feeling towards me or how soon this situation between us will be resolved; I feel I must get some things taken care of regarding my personal estate and things along that line.  So basically, my son is no longer my executor of my "so called" estate.  I have decided to make a very special couple the executor of my "so called" estate.   He can deal with my son and if my son is willing to accept the conditions of the "will" and conditions of the "estate" then he can have it all.  If he is not then the executor can have it all for him and his children because they are like family to me anyway.
     My counselor and I also then discussed the fact that I have felt like I have been becoming hard hearted and I don't like it but yet I do because I am sick and tired of being a puddle of emotions every time someone asks me how I am doing.  He said that is normal and ok; it is a normal progression because it is a means of protection.  He suggested that I control it by determining when and where I wanted to go to the "pile of crap" and when I don't.  So, the "hard heartedness is fine as a means of protection as long as I control it.  That is a total relief to me because on the one hand I want to protect myself from all the emotional crap but I don't want to become hard towards God and what He has and wants to continue to do in my life.
   I am so totally still struggling mentally and emotionally because grappling with the treatment coming from son and his wife is just incomprehensible to me.  I am really relying on God after all He is the ONE and ONLY that can do anything to change this.  He is the ONLY ONE the can get to my son and family.  He is the ONLY ONE that I can trust.  I also do know that I am not doing a very good job of being obedient to God by trusting, forgiving, truly believing that He can do all the is Promised in His Word.