8/25/16 -- So, I went an did something that I am still very surprised that I did. Shocked, even. I went and signed onto a dating site, I even paid for a one month subscription, couldn't really afford it but I sacrificed, figuring it is most likely the only way I will meet a single man in my age group. The second day I already had a bunch of nibbles. I am currently texting 2 guys. One man wants to move way too fast for my liking the other one is really "speaking my language". He talked like I was his girlfriend or wife. He has sent me the most beautiful texts and emails. I can't remember where his lives but I think it's somewhere down south.
I am so amazed at myself for stepping out of my comfort zone but I just did it-didn't think about, I just did it. My counselor was quite surprised as well. It is another way that I am showing that I am ready to move on, by actually taking a step towards doing so. I am still quite scared but I just figure that I have to do something as I have yet to meet that special someone, and I have been single now for 10+ years and I am just wanting to be married.
I don't go to bars, and there aren't too many things that I do alone because it is just too boring plus I am a bit leery. I am not a very out going at first, I am more on the shy side so stepping outside my comfort zone and doing it alone.
Also, I am still struggling with stuff, so to step out on my own I am not quite sure that I am ready to go full bore. Taking these steps is so scary and I am still plagued with the inability to accept compliments. I am also, oh I don't know, I think that I can come up with excuses out of the wazoo but what it boils down to is fear.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Remembering.........
8/20/16 -- Here over that last couple of days I have been remembering the things that happened 2 years ago. The things that happened to me back in 2014. I have been thinking back to the events that lead up to my breaking down. Then about how low I was that I literally wanted to commit suicide by semi. Seriously, everyday I considered driving into a Semi as I drove home from work, the other option was the bridge pylon of the bridge that was down the road from where my son and daughter in-law used to live.
Honestly, I find myself amazed that I had ever gotten that low, in my life. Also, thankful that I reached out to someone who directed me to the right place for the help that I desperately needed.
As I look back I can most definitely see the hand of God, on my life. He was guiding me every step of the way, even tho I was soo low that I couldn't see, feel or sense Him. I really lost myself and my way thru life, I really felt that my life and just crumbled down around me as I was thrown away by my son.
Now, I am still in Counseling but I have come such an incredibly long way and I am so very thankful for all the people that have had a hand in that "comeback" but most importantly, I am thankful to God, Himself. I say people, there were a few select people that helped me thru, my Counselor was the primary person that helped me navigate my way thru this. God totally used him to direct me the right way.
At this point I am now struggling my way thru with who I am, and what I am supposed to be doing with my life, in this season of my life. I feel as tho I am supposed to be doing something but I am not sure what. I have had so many things running thru my mind and I can't quite figure out which is the correct way or path. Plus, I am struggling with feelings and emotions that I can't quite figure out or understand. I am a single woman with a very small income, not a lot of the normal skills for the "work force" but I do have skill... I know how to bake and my stuff is pretty darn good; I know hand to cook and that is pretty darn good, well. I don't know how to go about doing what I like to do and make money at it. I was told once to find my identity in the things that I like to do rather than finding in thru the people that I have been around.
Then there are these dreams that I have been having, I had once recently that was so different from the others and stupid, however I didn't write it down like my Counselor wants me too plus I like writing them down. I have been trying to remember that last dream so that I can tell my Counselor.
Dreams have a unique way of telling you something if you can stop and think about them.
I am working for a couple that I am having issues with figuring out the dynamic in this household. It just boggles my mind. You see, the father in-law is living there and I just found out that he pays the rent and then some for this couple. However, there is so little respect for this man it is ridiculous. When supper is prepared there is never any inclusion of the the father in-law. I worked for 5 hrs, in the late afternoon/evening this past Thursday and when I made dinner, {the couple purchased chicken leg quarters for me to make for the boys, and I could actually include myself} I made sure that the father in-law was included to eat. He so appreciated that I made a meal that included him because is was the first real meal that he has had in a long time. He mostly eats sandwiches of one for or another because they don't feed him. The fact that he forks over so much money into the household and he is treated like garbage, pisses me off. I do know that he is reaching a point that he will be moving out and then they will be "up a creek without a paddle".
There are times that I come out of that apartment and I am so overwhelmed and sometimes exhausted by the "stuff" going on. I have been so detached from the people in this job, including the children, which bothers me. I just don't understand why I am feeling the way I am. Altho, I have discussed this with my counselor and he seems to think that it is because she went and did something that is so against my beliefs and every fiber of my being that I have emotionally taken a step back. Plus, I have considered the idea that it is a way to protect myself from the baggage that is young adult couple has, most especially the woman.......
Honestly, I find myself amazed that I had ever gotten that low, in my life. Also, thankful that I reached out to someone who directed me to the right place for the help that I desperately needed.
As I look back I can most definitely see the hand of God, on my life. He was guiding me every step of the way, even tho I was soo low that I couldn't see, feel or sense Him. I really lost myself and my way thru life, I really felt that my life and just crumbled down around me as I was thrown away by my son.
Now, I am still in Counseling but I have come such an incredibly long way and I am so very thankful for all the people that have had a hand in that "comeback" but most importantly, I am thankful to God, Himself. I say people, there were a few select people that helped me thru, my Counselor was the primary person that helped me navigate my way thru this. God totally used him to direct me the right way.
At this point I am now struggling my way thru with who I am, and what I am supposed to be doing with my life, in this season of my life. I feel as tho I am supposed to be doing something but I am not sure what. I have had so many things running thru my mind and I can't quite figure out which is the correct way or path. Plus, I am struggling with feelings and emotions that I can't quite figure out or understand. I am a single woman with a very small income, not a lot of the normal skills for the "work force" but I do have skill... I know how to bake and my stuff is pretty darn good; I know hand to cook and that is pretty darn good, well. I don't know how to go about doing what I like to do and make money at it. I was told once to find my identity in the things that I like to do rather than finding in thru the people that I have been around.
Then there are these dreams that I have been having, I had once recently that was so different from the others and stupid, however I didn't write it down like my Counselor wants me too plus I like writing them down. I have been trying to remember that last dream so that I can tell my Counselor.
Dreams have a unique way of telling you something if you can stop and think about them.
I am working for a couple that I am having issues with figuring out the dynamic in this household. It just boggles my mind. You see, the father in-law is living there and I just found out that he pays the rent and then some for this couple. However, there is so little respect for this man it is ridiculous. When supper is prepared there is never any inclusion of the the father in-law. I worked for 5 hrs, in the late afternoon/evening this past Thursday and when I made dinner, {the couple purchased chicken leg quarters for me to make for the boys, and I could actually include myself} I made sure that the father in-law was included to eat. He so appreciated that I made a meal that included him because is was the first real meal that he has had in a long time. He mostly eats sandwiches of one for or another because they don't feed him. The fact that he forks over so much money into the household and he is treated like garbage, pisses me off. I do know that he is reaching a point that he will be moving out and then they will be "up a creek without a paddle".
There are times that I come out of that apartment and I am so overwhelmed and sometimes exhausted by the "stuff" going on. I have been so detached from the people in this job, including the children, which bothers me. I just don't understand why I am feeling the way I am. Altho, I have discussed this with my counselor and he seems to think that it is because she went and did something that is so against my beliefs and every fiber of my being that I have emotionally taken a step back. Plus, I have considered the idea that it is a way to protect myself from the baggage that is young adult couple has, most especially the woman.......
Friday, August 19, 2016
Try to Catch You All Up.....
8/18/16 -- I apologize for not making more regular posts, I have been trying to process stuff and altho writing does help me to do that I just couldn't blog.
The household that I have been working in is such a confusing mess, to me, sometimes to the point of overwhelming. As a result, I just don't pay too much attention to it because it just boggles my mind. There is so much lying going on that it is unbelievable and I just can't deal with it. I just play along, more like ignore it because I will not be working there forever, most likely past the start of school.
There are a couple of things that really irritate me about this household: the woman of the house doesn't really follow thru on the stuff that she specifically asks me advice and suggestions on; in the way of taking care of the children, cleaning, and cooking. I can tell so much because every time I go into the house, I can tell she isn't doing the things that I suggest because the place is a mess and the boys have been allowed to do whatever they want and aren't properly dressed. Those boys listen to me apparently better than they listen to their mother, and I am guessing that it is because all she does is yell at them. Children don't listen, very well, to someone who does nothing but yell at them, when there is no consequences to their actions.
Then there is this whole, the grandpa is living with them and I just found out that he is actually paying more than his share of the expenses and such in that household. He is basically paying their rent, plus a utility bill or so.... Yet, the way that he is treated is absolutely ridiculous!!!! I told him that he should be using that as leverage because then maybe they would think twice about treating him like crap! The don't even bother including him in the meal they sit down to eat, and he probably paid for that meal. When I was there last night, I worked 5 hours last night rather than yesterday, I made the boys dinner and included him in the deal as well. He should be eating healthier than he does.
Enough about them, altho they do seem to have an effect on my mental capacity. I have been still going to counseling which I really like. I gotta admit that I really like the whole idea of having someone to talk to because I don't have anyone within my household that fits that bill. More on that later.
The household that I have been working in is such a confusing mess, to me, sometimes to the point of overwhelming. As a result, I just don't pay too much attention to it because it just boggles my mind. There is so much lying going on that it is unbelievable and I just can't deal with it. I just play along, more like ignore it because I will not be working there forever, most likely past the start of school.
There are a couple of things that really irritate me about this household: the woman of the house doesn't really follow thru on the stuff that she specifically asks me advice and suggestions on; in the way of taking care of the children, cleaning, and cooking. I can tell so much because every time I go into the house, I can tell she isn't doing the things that I suggest because the place is a mess and the boys have been allowed to do whatever they want and aren't properly dressed. Those boys listen to me apparently better than they listen to their mother, and I am guessing that it is because all she does is yell at them. Children don't listen, very well, to someone who does nothing but yell at them, when there is no consequences to their actions.
Then there is this whole, the grandpa is living with them and I just found out that he is actually paying more than his share of the expenses and such in that household. He is basically paying their rent, plus a utility bill or so.... Yet, the way that he is treated is absolutely ridiculous!!!! I told him that he should be using that as leverage because then maybe they would think twice about treating him like crap! The don't even bother including him in the meal they sit down to eat, and he probably paid for that meal. When I was there last night, I worked 5 hours last night rather than yesterday, I made the boys dinner and included him in the deal as well. He should be eating healthier than he does.
Enough about them, altho they do seem to have an effect on my mental capacity. I have been still going to counseling which I really like. I gotta admit that I really like the whole idea of having someone to talk to because I don't have anyone within my household that fits that bill. More on that later.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Such A Trying Time pt. 2.................
8/7/16 -- The day that the mom of these boys, told be that she had an abortion knocked me for a loop. I mean, seriously, I really didn't know what to say, but I know that I needed to say something because she needed me to. Let me tell you, I had to choose my words carefully because I had so many thoughts and emotions running thru my mind and I really didn't want to just let her have it. I was surprised, I was angry, and disappointed and other things that I just couldn't put into words.
Thankfully, God provided me the words and ability to keep calm and select my words mindfully because the last thing that I wanted to do was hurt her anymore than she was already hurting. Her "husband", the boys dad as well as the child's dad didn't give her a choice. Also, she had lied to me in the prior 2 weeks plus she had been ignoring but now I understand why. Her and her fiancee' must have been arguing whether to have the abortion or not, but he gave her no choice. I told her that there is always a choice because if you don't want the child, for whatever the reason, then put it up for adoption but don't kill it.
{To those of you the have had abortion - I don't look down on you, or condemn you for doing so. I forgive just like Jesus Christ forgives me and you. I am very much against abortion. When you "abort" a child - it is a child the moment it is conceived - therefore you are committing murder. So, there is one way to avoid it - do not put yourself in a situation where you can get pregnant in the first place. Birth control is not a 100% grantee that you won't get pregnant. Also, if you find yourself pregnant outside of marriage or even inside of marriage and you know that you can't take care of the child then put that child up for adoption. There are plenty of childless couples in this country that would love to have a child to love and take care of.} That is my not so humble opinion on the subject of abortion. You all are more than welcome to disagree, I don't mind because I don't expect everyone to agree with me and I am not shoving anything down anyones throat.}
I assured her that I don't hate her and that she is forgiven both by me and by God. However, I did let her know that I was upset with the fact that she hadn't been upfront with me from the beginning. She understood that very well.
My mind however was just blown - as in with the stuff that my counselor and I had discussed and I was mulling over - add that not so small bombshell to the mix and you have one overwhelmed person. Yep, that was me - it has taken me a couple days to work thru and even put it off to the "side" because this is not for me to handle alone. You see, I firmly believe that God can and does, share our burdens if not take them so we don't have to carry them alone. Also, He is much better to handle them than I am because my stuff and her stuff is just too much for me.
Thankfully, God provided me the words and ability to keep calm and select my words mindfully because the last thing that I wanted to do was hurt her anymore than she was already hurting. Her "husband", the boys dad as well as the child's dad didn't give her a choice. Also, she had lied to me in the prior 2 weeks plus she had been ignoring but now I understand why. Her and her fiancee' must have been arguing whether to have the abortion or not, but he gave her no choice. I told her that there is always a choice because if you don't want the child, for whatever the reason, then put it up for adoption but don't kill it.
{To those of you the have had abortion - I don't look down on you, or condemn you for doing so. I forgive just like Jesus Christ forgives me and you. I am very much against abortion. When you "abort" a child - it is a child the moment it is conceived - therefore you are committing murder. So, there is one way to avoid it - do not put yourself in a situation where you can get pregnant in the first place. Birth control is not a 100% grantee that you won't get pregnant. Also, if you find yourself pregnant outside of marriage or even inside of marriage and you know that you can't take care of the child then put that child up for adoption. There are plenty of childless couples in this country that would love to have a child to love and take care of.} That is my not so humble opinion on the subject of abortion. You all are more than welcome to disagree, I don't mind because I don't expect everyone to agree with me and I am not shoving anything down anyones throat.}
I assured her that I don't hate her and that she is forgiven both by me and by God. However, I did let her know that I was upset with the fact that she hadn't been upfront with me from the beginning. She understood that very well.
My mind however was just blown - as in with the stuff that my counselor and I had discussed and I was mulling over - add that not so small bombshell to the mix and you have one overwhelmed person. Yep, that was me - it has taken me a couple days to work thru and even put it off to the "side" because this is not for me to handle alone. You see, I firmly believe that God can and does, share our burdens if not take them so we don't have to carry them alone. Also, He is much better to handle them than I am because my stuff and her stuff is just too much for me.
Such a trying time.........
8/7/16 -- I know it's been a while since my last entry. There are times that I just don't know what to say or I would rather be distracted then write. I know that I should be that way but there is so much that I am still working thru, battling with then there is work.....
I have to admit that is job is the most trying job I have ever had......that includes the 10yrs of working in a retail job...even working for a woman who had been the most difficult person that I had ever worked for, yet I respected her. I guess maybe what makes this job is stinkin' difficult is the fact that I have so much "crap" to deal with myself and this woman most definitely has enough baggage of the both of us.
Lets see, at my counseling sessions we have been digging into the feelings that I haven't allowed myself to feel or deal with in a long, long time - like some 25+ years. Also, something that I recently remembered is; that I decided that I was sick and tired of crying/feeling so I just stopped. I really haven't shed a tear over anything in my sessions since January. I have discovered that really isn't such a good thing because then I am not only not crying but not allowing myself to feel which means that I am not properly dealing my feelings and issues. By not allowing those tears and feelings to show I am actually holding myself back, staying is this "stuck" place unable to move on and past this to getting to the point of being ok enough with the situation that I can move on in the healing process.
I have felt so disconnected from the people/the mom and her children that I have been helping out and other aspects of my job and that is so unlike me. There as been so much that I have had to deal with in my own life, to contend with, that I just can't handle the "baggage" that this family has, especially the mom. However, I have given both my "burden" and that of this family over to Jesus Christ because His "burden is easy and His yoke is light." The is a quote from the Bible, not sure exactly where, at this point. If I don't do that then I will not "nuts" because this family's dynamic is so strange that I just can't handle, I literally get a headache that will take me down for the count, for a day.
I had just begun to deal with the fact that I am angry over somethings regarding how stuff was handled concern my son, when this woman drops a "bombshell" on me. Now, mind you, we have become friends and she has been confiding in me over the last several months, but the last couple of weeks, I could tell that something wasn't right because she stopped talking to me, other than the niceties. I mean literally, after I walked in the door she would beat it upstairs. We had, had a discussion the week prior that she could be pregnant, which she then told me after getting "tested" that she wasn't that is was the medication that was messing with her body.
I have to admit that is job is the most trying job I have ever had......that includes the 10yrs of working in a retail job...even working for a woman who had been the most difficult person that I had ever worked for, yet I respected her. I guess maybe what makes this job is stinkin' difficult is the fact that I have so much "crap" to deal with myself and this woman most definitely has enough baggage of the both of us.
Lets see, at my counseling sessions we have been digging into the feelings that I haven't allowed myself to feel or deal with in a long, long time - like some 25+ years. Also, something that I recently remembered is; that I decided that I was sick and tired of crying/feeling so I just stopped. I really haven't shed a tear over anything in my sessions since January. I have discovered that really isn't such a good thing because then I am not only not crying but not allowing myself to feel which means that I am not properly dealing my feelings and issues. By not allowing those tears and feelings to show I am actually holding myself back, staying is this "stuck" place unable to move on and past this to getting to the point of being ok enough with the situation that I can move on in the healing process.
I have felt so disconnected from the people/the mom and her children that I have been helping out and other aspects of my job and that is so unlike me. There as been so much that I have had to deal with in my own life, to contend with, that I just can't handle the "baggage" that this family has, especially the mom. However, I have given both my "burden" and that of this family over to Jesus Christ because His "burden is easy and His yoke is light." The is a quote from the Bible, not sure exactly where, at this point. If I don't do that then I will not "nuts" because this family's dynamic is so strange that I just can't handle, I literally get a headache that will take me down for the count, for a day.
I had just begun to deal with the fact that I am angry over somethings regarding how stuff was handled concern my son, when this woman drops a "bombshell" on me. Now, mind you, we have become friends and she has been confiding in me over the last several months, but the last couple of weeks, I could tell that something wasn't right because she stopped talking to me, other than the niceties. I mean literally, after I walked in the door she would beat it upstairs. We had, had a discussion the week prior that she could be pregnant, which she then told me after getting "tested" that she wasn't that is was the medication that was messing with her body.
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