Here they come.......

12/16/15 -- Well, here they come, the stupid holidays.  Sorry people, but I just ain't feeling them right now.  This just has been a rough year + and am not in the mood to celebrate, don't have much to celebrate in my life, at the point.  Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for a great many things:  Job, place to life, food and other things both monetary and non-monetary but the one thing that I desire just hasn't happened as of yet.   My Counselor, has encouraged me to move from one set of emotions to another {i.e. from depression to grieving} and as I was working on doing that, my headache returned to the forefront.  This headache has been pretty subdued for a while, which is a very good thing, but when My Counselor suggestion moving from depression to grieving and I was working on doing that - trying to wrap my "head" around the idea and my mind taking things to the opposite extreme, the whole process was just causing the headache to return.  So, during my las session, as I was discussing this with my Counselor, he suggested that my body just isn't ready for the switch.  He suggested that I listen to my body and not go there, right now, at least as the "so called holiday season" is almost upon us.  Just knowing that I won't get to see me granddaughters and their parents {most especially my son} has/is causing me to just want to curl up into my "shell".  I will also be staying off facebook during the whole weekend.  The same will be applied to new years eve.
   There are parades/football games that I will be watching both of those days.  Christmas eve I was invited to a person's home for dinner and games, their married daughter/son in-law will be there and I have a gift for them.  After that I will not be leaving my apartment which means I will be parking in the back parking lot of the building that I live in, so I won't have to move my car from one side of the street due to the "calendar parking" that is in place in my town.  I am going to make a number of different appetizers to heat those days then I won't have to cook anything major since there is no one to share with anyway.
  I do still have my faith, however still struggling, I know that just because I believe in Jesus/God that doesn't mean the my life will be easy.  The Bible does state that there will be trials and temptations after all this world is far from perfect and so are the people in it. (myself included)  God/Jesus is with us thru the "storm" no matter what it is, He promises to bring us thru it but He doesn't say how long it will take.  Bummer

Apology

  So, it has been quite a long time since my last post.  I offer no excuses.  I have been doing a lot of 'mental' stuff lately.  I just haven't been able to do much typing lately.
  My counselor has given me quite a challenge and there has been a change in schedule at work so I have been adjusting to that schedule and kinda, sorta ignoring this blog.  I know that I shouldn't but that is just the way it has been.
  Even now I am not quite sure what I need to be typing here because so much has been going on and I don't know quite how to "put it on paper" so to speak.
  The picture of the clouds is one of many that I have taken over the years, there is something about clouds that I really like.  There are times that they are designed in such a way they look like things, like animals, people, or other things like that.  It is so awesome, for me the ultimate ARTIST is GOD.  Sometimes it looks like HE took a paintbrush and just painted the sky in such wonderful and beautiful colors.  Also, sometimes I wish that I could just be up in those clouds floating along, touching each and very one of them.

  These pictures were taken on my way home from a real good friend's house, some time ago.  I really like when the sun and clouds mix, then you get some really beautiful colors.

  Colors, sometimes they make me think of a tapestry that God paints with HIS brush and color pallet.  Just imagine, God's color pallet has to be the most colorful pallet ever!

  Then there are the sundown colors that come as the sun is setting.
  Those colors are something else.
I really am struggling with a change that my Counselor has suggested and believe or not my Pastor completely agrees with him.  The change is a good change that will help me to move past this ''place'' that I have been emotionally ''stuck'' in for quite awhile.
  I will fill you all in very soon.
Thank you for being patient.

Hanging in There

10/28/15 -- Well, it's been awhile - I apologize - I offer no excuses.  I have been occupied with other stuff, I guess.  There have been some changes since the beginning of October and I haven't been overly thrilled with them.  My Boss's fianc'e is living with him now and she hasn't been working.  Her not working means that I am only there is do the 'school' thing then as long as she is still home, I leave.  Leaving early then means that I have been working shortened days and I am not thrilled with that.  Now, she doesn't starts working on Tuesday but it is only part-time which means that I will still be working part-time and/or til school is completed.  Yet, at the same time I do kinda like it because I have the rest of the day to do stuff at home whatever that might be and he is still paying me full time.
       I have been doing pretty decently, however I recently ran across something that has started bothering me.  My outlook is still pretty decent but this thing has shaken me, a little.  I have been granted access to a long time friend's Facebook page so that I could see things on my son's page that I can't see thru my own due to him unfriending me.  So, I have been periodically checking his page out along with my daughter in-law's and I ran across some pictures with her mom in them, and that is what has been bothering me here recently.  The reason that this has been bothering me is because I should be there,  too.   I really, really need to be with my granddaughters, not to mention my son! 😂  My little granddaughter's birthday is coming up and I won't get the opportunity to be there!
     To top it all off I have three days off this week that started yesterday thru tomorrow because of the school system that my boss is having virtual schooling done thru is off because of parent/teacher conferences plus something else that they just added this year a his fiancé is going to be home, so there is no point for me to be there.  Now, on the one hand I don't mind the days off but having a short paycheck isn't something that I was planning on, budget wise.  On the other hand I don't like it because there is way too much time to think/dwell on stuff that I don't like and don't want to dwell on, that is so not a good thing!  There is something else, tho, and that is;  I have an appointment with my Counselor, this evening.  There is something to be said about the timing of this appointment.  He is very skilled at pressing me on things that he wants me to talk about and/or explain.  He is also skilled at reading my expressions and expressions within expressions.

Retreat Weekend

10/14/15 -- So, there is a lot to catch you all up on.  Some things have changed a smidgen, which has challenged me and I have not been blogging has much.  I will get back in the swing of that, now. (I hope)

    My left ankle finally recovered enough to allow for pretty normal walking and a whole lot less pain, to which I am very grateful for.

    The weekend of my local church Women's Retreat was good.  I was able to go due to some last minute application of the last half of the money needed to pay for my "entry fee".  I was able to room with the same 3 people as last year plus one new person.  I rode to the Retreat with one of the speakers, someone that I have started to get to know.  This woman is the wife of a pastor that is called a 'church planter', they have 'planted' a number of churches in different countries and now they are here in my town 'planting' a church. 

    I was actually able to enjoy the retreat much better than last year, when I went.  Last year I was so miserable that I couldn't enjoy/hear the speakers on Saturday whereas this year I was.  I did end up with a headache that caused me to miss 'free time' but that was fine, I slept which seemed to help along with taking Imitrex in the morning.  I ended up talk with my apt. assistant manager about some stuff, so we missed the afternoon session.  That really wasn't a big deal because that is also what the retreat is about; the ability to talk with and get 'ministered to' when and if needed.  This time I remembered earplugs so I would be able to sleep even with all the noise when people come into the room late after they have had some longer fun than me.  The time that I am accustomed to getting up in the morning and going to bed at night makes it sort of difficult to stay up too late.

  I will tell you that not having a constant, overpowering the meds, headache was very nice because it meant a lot more enjoyment out of the Retreat compared to last year.   This year we were given a clay bowel made by one of the Retreat coordinators, a prayer journal, and a little prayer booklet.  The prayer booklet was really good, I used it during my devotion time on Saturday morning.  There are two chapters in that book {2 little prayers} that really stuck out to me and were 'hitting the nail right on the head' as far a what I haven't been able to pray let alone do concerning the situation with my son and the whole reason that I have been depressed for so long.  I was actually able to prayer those two little prayers and pray from the heart exactly what was printed on the paper, I did tweak it a little to make them fit my situation/personality but essentially they fit perfectly.  I was so relieved and actually felt like a whole burden or cloud was lifted off me.

  Ever since the Retreat, I have felt better, finally get to the place where I am carrying about stuff like the cleanliness of my apartment. Not that it was filthy or anything but it just needed to be much cleaner, the way that I really would like it to be and it should be.  I was even able to get a menu planned out so that I could actually, effectively go to the grocery store.   I finally went to the grocery store and bought ingredients that I could use for a couple of things that I have been craving: meatloaf, homemade chicken noodle soup w/homemade noodles that I make, french toast that I made a casserole version of, and a egg/sausage bowl.  All of which is very yummy - haven't even been bored with any of it.  Ran out of the homemade chicken noodle soup so I have to kind of wing it for the last couple of days.
  I am so thankful that I am feeling somewhat better, I feel like I am on the path upwards out of this funk that I have been in for a long, long time.

Rough almost week

9/23/15 -- The last week has been very difficult, mainly physically.  I had the final injection, of a series of three, last Thursday morning.  Typically, there are a few days afterwards that I am a little "gimpy" but not this time.  This time; by the end of the day Thursday, I could barely walk!  I was in so much pain and my ankle had swollen up so big along with being extremely tender that I could barely walk.  I ended up asking my Mentor to come over, because she is the closest that I could think of to ask, to help me get my supper finished up and brought to me.  I had managed, with extreme difficulty, to get it in the toaster oven for for cooking and on the stove for cooking but couldn't get up to bring into myself.  Thankfully she was able to come over to help me out.  I also had her help with a few minor things to help me in preparing for bed.  When she left I managed to get to bed.  I had gotten my crutches out from behind my bed and that is what I used for the next 3 full days.
  When I woke up on Friday morning and couldn't even walk with out my crutches and definitely NOT putting any weight on my left ankle, AT ALL!  I ended up calling into work and letting my boss know that there was absolutely, NO WAY that was going to be able to work.  I couldn't even put my ankle brace on let alone to touch my ankle.  I had to take Tramadol all day Friday and Saturday.  Thursday night was the worst because I could not find a comfortable position for my ankle to rest; Friday was just a smidge better only because I could actually rest my ankle on the Chais' Lounge without too much uncomfortablilty.  (like my new word?)   It really pissed me off that I had to call off work because of this because that meant not a full paycheck plus I couldn't get my check.  Oh, and naturally this occurs when I don't have that much, if any, food worth fixing in the condition that I was in.  
  When I texted my mom to let you know what was going on, she offered and ended up coming up to help out a little, before she had a lunch date with some lady friends from where she works.  While my mom was here I had her go to the grocery store to pick up a few things for me and a bag of cat food.  The not going to work thing, really put a kink in things!  So, I gave my mom a list of food, simple things, to pick up so that I could make it til Saturday, in the hopes that I would be getting around a little better.  Even tho I had prepared a head of time, and switched my cleaning day to the following Saturday, this coming Saturday, now.  Mom, picked up a rotisserie chicken and bought me lunch at Subway.  She sat a talked with me a while, as well.  Apparently, she put off my little sister this morning for the next day which would be Saturday.  My little sister wasn't too happy but tough, mom always, almost daily helps her out and/or visits her due the fact that she lives in my hometown, which is in the same town as my mom.  Then the rest of the day consisted of doing nothing but sitting with my ankle up and taking it easy: not really what I wanted to do but didn't have much of a choice.
   Sunday, I couldn't go to church because I was still pretty much using my crutches and working with little ones and crutches don't go very well.  I wasn't too happy with that but while letting someone know about it, she offered to go shopping for me and drop the food off, after church.  I was surprised by her offer, but it was great cause my plan was for her to pick up some very key items that would carry me thru most of the week, as I didn't know just how mobile I would be.  She ended up coming in the even rather that right after church, I suspect it was because of her little ones, which was fine.  I was very appreciative of her willingness to do that for me, that way my mom wouldn't have to come up to do it for me.  She said would if I needed her too.
  Monday,  I was able to go work, but I had to loosely put my brace on and I was still limping pretty badly.  I was able to walk, if you want to call it that, without the crutches.
When I got to work and after my boss was gone, I sent an my chart email to my orthopedic dr. letting him know about the extreme discomfort that I had been in, not as extreme on Monday.  The orthopedic Dr. was in surgery that day but I figured he would respond when he had the opportunity, if he did.  Thankfully he did and he got back to me around 4pm.  He said that this injection can cause inflammation and this what happened this time around for me.  He told me to keep it elevated and iced to help reduce the swelling.  I could call and/or see him the next day, as he would be in the office, if it was necessary.
I guess I missed that one of the "side effects" of this injection is inflammation.  Oh well, I know that now.  What a sucky weekend.

Some new stuff

9/16/15 -- I recently have asked someone, from the church I attend, to mentor/disciple me, and she finally said yes.  What I mean by finally is: I have asked a number of different women and one finally said she would.  We started meeting last week, the second evening was this past Monday evening.  We are going to sort of go thru the Seeking Him study we both already completed over the summer.  The only reason we are is because I had issues with applying different sections to me.  We agreed to meet once a week or possibly every other week, depending on her schedule.
  Then there is the "Estate Planning" that I have been thinking about, on and off.  I asked the Youth Pastor and his Wife to be my "executor", however they have is labeled something else, now.  Anyway, I asked them because I have absolutely no idea how my son really feels about me, beyond the fact that we aren't/haven't been talking for quite a long time.  {Feels like an eternity} Like does he really hate me? or Does he just not really want anything to do with me for now while he 'deals with' whatever?  So, since I don't know, I have asked the Youth Pastor and his Wife because I am the closest to them and I thoroughly love their children.  These people have gone beyond the "pastoral" and welcomed me into their personal lives and allowed me to watch their children.  Not to mention the fact that their children love me.  I have so much fun with them as a family and with just the children.  
   The Pastor and his Wife got back to me and they said yes, they would be the 'executor' of my "estate".  So, I met with an attorney, last night after work, and got things rolling.  It is $75 a document and includes the services of the Law Office, the young lady that I dealt with.  They will also in charge of my healthcare if I can't make decisions for myself, and my finances in the same event.  As much as, I really want my Son to be the one to make those decisions it ain't going to happen as long he isn't talking to me.  My son used to be my emergency contact but now the Youth Pastor and His Wife are because my son is too far away plus I really don't know just how much he really cares.  I know that is pathetic but that is the way it is.
   All the while I was sitting in the office of the Lawyer who is getting everything legal, for me; I managed to maintain emotional control, as hard as it was.  I am not sure how I am going to swing the extra expense for a couple of months but I somehow have to.  She is "drawing up" 3 documents for me which cost me enough money.  I guess this is one way that I am trying to move on, as my Counselor believes that I need to do.  However, reality and emotion, for me, are very separate.  There in lies my problem with truly moving on, getting past the, middle of the road - I don't really care about stuff I should, attitude that I have.  

Still working on emotional stuff

9/15/15 --  These last several weeks have been interesting.
  I have missed a Birthday party because of a headache, missed something else I was wanting to do on a Saturday because of a headache, then a session with my Counselor.  This session consisted of addressing the homework he gave 2 weeks prior.  He totally appreciated my working on trying to figure this out.  I spent many hours of many days between the 2 sessions trying to come up with 'the 4th chapter' that he wanted me to 'write' to go along the 'chapter titles that he wrote on his dry erase board 2 sessions ago.  The only thing I could come up with is 3 things and 2 of the three aren't satisfactory by any means.  1) is to allow this situation to take me down to the point of suicide, again (not wanting that at all)  2) is staying where I am {I am not happy with staying where I am emotionally-want to get past this}  So, somehow I need to move past this but I don't know how.
   My Counselor wanted to know why and what the downside is to allowing God to completely have and take care of this/my son and myself.  I told him nothing but my head and heart just can't seem to come into unity over this.  Like I know that God already has been taking care of my son but for whatever reason the 'mom part of me' can't seem to 'let go' of the little bit that I am hanging onto because the 'mom part of me' feels like if I 'let g0 and let God' then I am 'giving up' even tho in reality that is not what is going on.  Altho, in a sense it is because I can't really do anything and my 'giving up means that I am letting God do what He needs to do in me and my son, that isn't such a bad thing at all.  Yet, I just can't seem to get my heart to wrap around that idea, at all.  After telling him that I asked if it was possible that my emotional dislike for weekends [because I don't have family to spend it with] could be contributing to the headaches that seem to always occur on a weekend, albeit not on every weekend.  He did that is totally possible because holding this stuff in just isn't good.  I also know that emotional stuff un-dealt with can cause physical issues, has been documented by physicians.
    My Counselor did tell me that I have to let go of this emotional baggage in order to be able to move on and get out of the this mid-range, so-so, don't care attitude that I have been having.  I am not happy with the attitude that I have, I don't like this 'funk' that I am in right now.  So, my Counselor told me that I am supposed to remind him that he has something the he thinks will be able to help me, during our next session.  Something that will help me to unite my heart and head/let go and let God take this situation/my son so that I can move past this 'garbage'.

Interesting stuff

8/31/15 -- This has been an interesting week.  I have had several things that made my life rather interesting.  This past Saturday was a conference that I was partially drafted, partially volunteered to "cater" for.  In other words it was discussed between 2 other people then I was asked to which I said yes.  
  I was the only one in the kitchen getting things prepared for the lunch, and the only one to clean up.  This was a bad weekend to have a synvisc injection because I was on my feet for any entire 8 hours and my ankle was most definitely aching/more like in flat out pain. So, when I finally got home I sat on my Chais lounge along with taking some tramadol.  I think my Pastor was getting some fun out of  making me think about something other than what is going on in my head/heart in order to successfully figure the simple menu and get the quantities right.  He was successful at distracting me, at least for a time.
  Yesterday, I met with someone who is a family friend from a very long time ago.  They, him and his wife, recently moved back to my hometown where they used to lived and moved out of years ago.
It was an interesting visit -- I ended up answering questions about my son and admitting that things haven't been going well.  However I chose not to go into details because I don't trust them/don't know them anymore. The reason I don't know them anymore is because we have been so out of touch these many years and because I remember him telling me something, the last time I saw him, that I don't feel like he is the same man that I have know all my growing up years. I skirted the issues concerning my son and our lack of relationship.  Then he proceeded to tell me stuff that I already know, kind of preaching to me, in a way.  The trouble is I don't think he realized that he was telling me stuff that I already knew despite the fact that I was shaking my in agreement with him.  I am not too sure that I appreciated it too much, but I just left it go.

MercyMe - Flawless (Official Music Video)

                                     
8/25/15 -- God is using above video is like trying to get thru to me plus He is using my Counselor as I noticed during my session today.  Two different levels as which God is trying to reach me, two different fronts.
   Today, during my session with my Counselor, he pressed me on something that I was telling him because I was actually saying two different things.  My Counselor had asked me if I trusted God to handle the situation between my son and I; my answer was a contradiction to itself. That contradictive answer caused a discussion that left my Counselor wondering til an idea popped into his "pointy little head" 😉.  He walked over to his dry erase board and proceeded to write somethings on the board.   The interesting thing about what he was writing was the "third chapter" because it reflected what he was actually hearing in my contradictive answer to his question.  Needless to say that was just "a lot" eye opening for me because I realized exactly what I was saying to him and essentially to God as well.  Then when he sat down he proceeded to ask me about the 4th chapter, "what will it be?"  I told him that I didn't honestly know to which he responded to me with, "that is my homework, to write the 4th chapter."  So, I have to figure out how to write the 4th chapter or at least title it but I am sure he wants it written started anyway.
Basically, the 4th chapter has to consist of a way that I am going to be able to move on with my life, by letting go and letting God take care of this situation.  I can say that out of my head but to be able to get past it in my heart is another store.

Keeping on........

8/20/15 -- This last week has been an interesting week.  The headache has been hanging on, yesterday was physical therapy day, and boy I am telling you, it felt good.  The Physical Therapist had me do the first stretches he showed then he had me lay on a table so he could massage the base of my skull & top of my neck.  He was really getting the muscle that always is so stinkin tight with this headache.  He was actually successful in reducing my headache some more and it really isn't all that bad this morning but I am really trying to keep that muscle from tightening up again.
   I had my first visit, in quite a long time, at my Friend's house, a couple of evenings ago.  It started out pretty good, we were having a pretty good conversation the an unexpected visitor/s.  I didn't mind the additional visitors because who am I to say as I was a guest in their home.  I am really trying to not be the person that I have become because I don't like "her", she isn't flexible in anything or with anyone.  Altho, on my way home, my Friend did text and invite me back to her place next week so we could have more time to talk to which I responded with sure.
   I also ran into another friend that I haven't seen in quite a long time, at Dollar General, we talk briefly about what's been going on in my life with my son because asked about me being a Grandma.  I showed her a picture of my littlest granddaughter because she is right on my phone.  Then we discussed what was going on, because she asked how my son was doing, so that is how we delved into the whole discussion.
  The great thing about that discussion was she had some great advice.  I believe that was a "God given run in" because I believe that nothing happens by mistake.  She suggested/told me to "buy, date birthday cards for my granddaughters and put notes inside them, then hold them til I could give them to them myself or til they see them after I pass on."  So, of course, I seriously thought about what she told me because I have considered that, she confirmed what I had already been toying with.  Also, she suggested that I read the story in the Bible about the Prodigal Son, that story is in Luke.  I did that last night and it totally fits the situation I am in.  Plus, she told me pray for my son in such a way that God would bring people and situations into his life that would cause him to miss me.  That is something that I haven't done in quite a while.  So, that is what I did last night and will continue to do that because I truly don't know what else to pray for my son; however I have been trusting that God knows exactly what he needs and how to get that young man/child to do what needs to be done for reconciliation.                                           
   Then there is my daughter in-law who I believe has been "jawing" not so good things into his ears which hasn't helped his situation with whatever else he has got going on.  I pray that God plugs his ears concerning the negative things she says about me, to him.  He has been dealing with something very personal and I believe he because of that he hasn't been able to stand up to her negative talk, and tell exactly what what is the truth or tell her that they should confront me themselves to straighten things out.  That is also what "ticks" me off!
  My prayer for myself is that God would help me to love my daughter in-law because we have never really been able to develop a relationship let alone get to know each other.  I believe she has used that to her advantage in being able to talk "smack" about me to my son and know that he can't/won't stand up to her cause he can't given the crap he is already dealing with.  The ability to truly love her is what is really important and I mean love with God's love because I highly doubt that I can do that on my own.
  Not only that but I also have to seriously work on what I need to discuss with my Youth Pastor and his Wife because they are the family that I have become quite close to and I have decided to make them some important legal people in my life for when I pass away, just in case my son and I haven't reconciled by the that time. {whenever that would be}
By working on this, forces me to go to a place that I haven't wanted to go for a long time.  I just don't like becoming that emotional, yet I do almost every two weeks.  It's just that this process is the worst case scenario but thankfully this is something that can be changed.

The Sucky Weekend

8/17/15 -- Ok, so this past weekend turned out to be an absolute dud!  I was invited to go to an amusement park as a part of a birthday party of one of the older girls of the Youth Pastor of the church that I am apart of.  I was all looking forward to going, wanting to go, prepared to go, had even bought lunch meat and chips to go with and gotten my cooler out to go.  Then, when I woke up on Saturday morning my headache was pretty intense, to the point that I couldn't go to and participate in the birthday party, which seriously sucked!  This is the second in recent months that a headache has kept me from having fun! I took the last of my Imitrex injection and eventually took the last Imitrex tablet, so I now have zero Imitrex for pain relief, when it works.
   Then Sunday, it was somewhat better in that I didn't need anything for pain relief, I did do the stretches and the massage technique that Physical Therapy taught me, however there was one stretch that I didn't do because of the effect that it had on my head.  That maybe why the headache didn't last 3 days like it usually does, who knows.  I was so extremely disappointed to be part of the party on Saturday, why couldn't have this stupid headache either not happened at all or happened on Sunday, if it has to happen at all!  I ended up taking a morning nap after which I felt even more better 😜.  I finally decided to get a few things done around that house simply because they needed to be done and my head was actually going to let me.  Not only that, but the "nat" issue that I have had ever since the fresh veggies were left out and uncovered "duh".  Of course I took it easy so as to not aggravate the head. 
    Last night I slept like crap - woke once around 12:30ish and had a very difficult time going back to sleep.  I had a song running thru my head that just wouldn't go away.   How weird is that?  Then to top it all off I was hot and sweaty and don't know why.  I don't know I was running a fever or what.
  Just an fyi - no I haven't gotten too serious on the question that my Counselor asked me, either.  I have thought about it, even discussed with a friend but that is about it.  I have about another week, I got a sneaky suspicion that he will remember and question me on it, so I do have to get serious on doing it.
      

Conversation

8/14/15 -- Yesterday was kinda fun in that work was broken up by a lunch date with a friend.  We went to a place in the town that I work close to; I parked in a grocery store parking lot and we went in her car to the place where we ended up eating.  The place where we ate was a Bar/Family place.  I ordered a ribeye sandwich and fries, my friend ordered a BLT with in-house made chips.  We both ordered the same type of iced tea.  The ribeye sandwich was awesome, a real ribeye piece of meat cook the perfectly and it tasted great.  The ribeye was too big for the bun so I cut a chunk off so I could eat as a sandwich then I ate the rest of the meat with out the bun and ate the sandwich with out any condiments-didn't need any.
   My friend and I talked about a variety of things but first off she wanted to know about my trip to the doctor in Madison for my second opinion.  So, I started off by filling her in on that adventure along with what the "doctor" said actually it was a physician's assistant, anyway, what she wants me to do and when I am suppose to go see her again.  My friend really wants to go with me next time, so she is "supposedly" going to put it in her calendar after she sees what is or might be already there that day. 
  The conversation went to the situation with my son and that things that I have been struggling with.  She was surprised by the things that I had told her but not completely, she commented that she has noticed that same thing coming out of the church but she isn't sure if it is a "town" thing or what.  I told her that I have been feeling like I am not a priority on anyone's list. {those who are suppose to be my "friends"}  She then asked me if I have always felt that way, to which I said, "yes".  She was kind of surprised.  I filled her in on some other stuff that I had discussed with my Counselor.  She was understanding and has some interesting things to say to what I was telling her.  She didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know but making the connection between head and heart seems to be my problem.  I am really struggling with my faith because my situation is like a distraction for me hence the struggle.  That is one of the main reasons that I want/need a mentor that can go one or two steps beyond what my Friend does especially now with her mom living with them now.  My friend and I had a really time talking that we lost track of time, that when I looked at a clock it was 2:20 but I looked then at my cell phone clock which then gave me the correct time which was 1:20pm by then we knew that we can start considering the fact that needed to be leaving soon.
   Our conversation took me down a path that I generally don't like to go because of the emotions that it evokes.  I just don't like going there because of the emotions and I am quite tired of the emotions. Yet, I know that I have to go there because it is the only way that healing is going to happen so that I can truly move on.  God really wants my all and I just am having a difficult time giving up control over myself, even tho right now I feel like things are spiraling completely out of control, in my life.  Both my friend and my Counselor said some very encouraging things that I go take to heart because I don't get encouragement very often, yet I don't feel the things that were said, the good things, right now.  I have been putting on a good show, in other words, people don't really know that the things have been bothering me to the extent they have been.  Not to mention, the headache, I can walk around with a headache and not show it.  That is not all that difficult when the headache isn't too intense, on the other hand when the headache is way intense then there is no way I can mask or act as if there is nothing going on.  My friend was amazed at that.  She asked if I had a headache, at that moment, and I told her that I did.
  So many things going on and I just don't know how to handle it all.  I am really trying to hang onto my faith, to many distractions.  However, I am too old to go down a path that I once went down when my ex-husband burned me.  I was so numb then that I just didn't care about being the "good little girl" or "the miss goody two-shoes" and I slept with a several men (I can count on one hand how many men I slept with) and ended up pregnant by one of them.  I did have a miscarriage so I still only have one child -- I have to admit I am thankful that I have only one because raising once child on my own was plenty.  I totally believe that God also knew that so He allowed for the miscarriage, as well.  I knew that I wasn't in a good place - not divorced from my husband yet, and having sex with someone outside the context of marriage. That was a reality check for me because I didn't have any issues when I was pregnant with my first child.  
  Wow, I just revealed more that I planned but you know a little more about me.

Thoughts of the Future.....

8/13/15 -- So, over the last couple of days I have been trying to go "that place" that causes me a great deal of emotional pain.  My Counselor wants me to think about what it would be like if this situation would go on for 20, 30, 40, years and how I would be able to positively, constructively move on with my life.  He means; move on with my life with joy and happiness, without having to see him on a regular basis I am sure 😐.  To be completely honest, it is really super difficult to go to that place, I just don't want to "fall apart."  Going to "that place" actually scares me to "death" for lack of other words.  Admittedly I didn't really try all that hard because I didn't want to, just I just can't bring myself to comprehend the thought of not seeing my son, let alone my granddaughter, the littlest one for that long.  😢
   Shall I talk to my little Granddaughter;  she is one beautiful little girl.  I was invited and able to go to her first birthday party, last October, so I took a lot of pictures, on my cell phone.  As I was looking rather closely at one of these pictures I happen to notice that her nose didn't look like either one of her parents.  I do have pictures of both of them to compare to.  Anyway,  I was noticing that her nose and the shape of her face was more like mine, not either one of her parents.  It was way too funny; but it was awesome because then I wondered if my son and has figured out that he has been holding and taking care of his "mom" in a sense.  😜  Now I get why someone at church told me that she looks like me.  At first I said, " no way" because all I could see was my son; she was born with absolutely beautiful dark hair just like his, and I have never been so proud of him.  When she was born I was so proud, this little girl is my first granddaughter - blood born granddaughter and for me that is extremely special.
    Even tho both parents have "unfriended" me on Facebook which pathetic and her mom has "blocked" me so I can't even find her to even see how things are going with her;  I "liked" her Professional Facebook Photography page so that I don't miss any pictures that she post of the girls.  That can be a good and a bad thing because it is a haunting reminder that they are so far away and I can't see them in person, however I am not missing them growing up as I do get the pictures.  It is far from the same as seeing them in person tho and I miss them so incredibly much.  I can't even begin to verbalize  how much I miss them, especially my son and little granddaughter.
   The super hardest part of this thing has been the loss of the extra special relationship that my son and I once had.  I am fully aware that what we had is a rare thing, most single moms raising sons don't get to have such a relationship with their sons that I had.  I most definitely don't understand what happened -- the one thing that seems to be reflecting here is my daughter in-law was accusing me a being jealous, maybe she is the one who was/is jealous of the what my son and I had and she sought to destroy it and my son just didn't see it coming because of the other garbage that he has been dealing with.  I don't understand..........

Counselor Visit Yesterday

8/12/15 -- I had a session with my Counselor yesterday morning, which I do tend to look forward to because I don't really have anyone else to talk to.  The need to discuss the things that have been going on in my head and heart has been great and my Friend and prayer Partner hasn't exactly been there for me as of late; besides she would give some "pat biblical thing" that she thinks that I should be reading/studying the bible more and praying.  Don't get me wrong, there is a place for that and she isn't wrong but that isn't something that I need to hear because she doesn't know or understand/get what I am talking about largely because just texting means that I haven't given her specifics on the thoughts or details on the feeling that I have been dealing with; so her "pat" answer isn't the only thing that I needed.  So, anyway when I told my Counselor the thoughts and feelings that I have been dealing with, he wanted to know if my "faith" or the way I grew up was the reason I believed that I wasn't "ok" to feel and think the things that I have been feeling.  My response was that it is a combination of both.  I told him a true story about something that happened to me as a direct result of my ex-husband "burning" me.  
   My Counselor basically gave me permission to think and feel those negative and bad things because, as he explained, this thing with my son is still very much raw and "bubbling at the top" of my emotions so when people don't put me on their priorities when they initiate it then they change the plans -- you see normally those things have been really bothering me where it used to be that I could just "let it slide".  My Counselor suggests that   I allow myself to feel those things, frustration, irritation, and that it is ok to be selfish, to a certain extent.  He told me that I need to be able to find a way to express my feelings of hurt/frustration when someone changes their plans with me without "blowing up".  Right now, I can honestly tell you, that I am not capable of doing that without writing and rewriting before "sending".  My Counselor had said some nice things but I just don't have the capability right now because I just don't feel valued and some of the other things that he mentioned, yesterday.  I honestly don't remember all the things that he said now.  I don't know that I don't feel the things that he mentioned so it is difficult to do some of the things that he told me to do or suggested..
     My Counselor did give me some homework and he ever wrote it down so as to remember for next session to discuss it.  The homework is for me to answer a question that he asked:  How would I handle it if things with my son went on for 20, 30, 40 years?  When he asked me in the office I honestly couldn't even comprehend that, still can't -- to be even further honest I don't want to even think about it.  I just plain don't want to go there so this assignment is really going to be difficult.  I have 2 weeks and I am curious as to whether he will remember or not.

Last Week Continued

8/11/15 -- Well, there are a number of things that I am definitely struggling with that I have never struggled with before.  One of those things is; I don't feel like myself in that I don't feel like the same woman that I was just a couple of months ago let alone a year ago or more.  There are things that bother me that never did before.  Things like - when someone says that want to make plans with me, they even "pencil me in"  then somewhere along the way when I remind them [at their request] they forget and plan something else on those/that day.  It used to be that I could just let it slide but now not so much or easy.  I am even dealing with selfishness and that is something that I definitely don't like at all!  I don't like feeling selfish period, it just so not a good thing.
   Last week was VBS and during one of the closing times I caught a woman and asked her if she would be willing to be a mentor to me; actually I have asked to women during VBS to be my mentor.  One of the women didn't sound too sure and hasn't really said too much but the second one actually got back to me, this past Sunday, saying that she would be willing to give it a try once she and her hubby got back from vacation.  I am very grateful for that; however she misunderstands what I want but at the same time we may end up going to my "painful" place just because she hasn't been in the preverbal loop in quite a while.  When I told her that my son and family moved 3 hrs away from here without telling me face-to-face she actually had tears in her eyes.  What I really am looking for is accountability for getting in the Word, someone to talk to more often, someone to help me keep things sorted out and in line and prayerfully and to develop a relationship with another women and give a different friend a break.
  I seriously don't like the this struggle that I am dealing with, I don't like my apt not being as clean as it should be and things like that.  I don't like the things that I am feeling and thinking.  You know like:  What would I do if my son should up at my door today?  Do I really want to see him?  Do I really want to still be his mom?  Do I really still care?  Has the damage that has been done unrepairable?  Do I want it to be repaired?  Do I want to see him?  Do I want to see her?  All of these things I have thought about or have crossed my mind and I don't like it, not one bit!  So, many things that have been "doggin" my mind and it really does effect the way I feel physically and my motivation really has sucked a lot lately.
   Friday was an eventful day for me.  After VBS and picking up lunch I headed to a small town not far from where I work {full-time}, to work for a couple hours.  There is a family of 9 children and 2 adults that said she wanted to hire me on my days off from my full-time job.
I spent like 3 hrs with one of her youngest sons, in his large closet, to make sure he would pick up all the clothes off the floor.  After all that was done I did a round of dishes that was it.  I did have fun, and I help her son pick up/hang up the shirts and he put away the clothes that belonged in the dresser drawers.  It was nice to do something different and other than just sitting around because for whatever reason I just am not motivated to clean my own place, thoroughly clean that is.  My place isn't filthy or anything, I won't let it get that bad,  I am just irritated at myself.

Last Week

7/10/15 -- I apologize for not making any entries over the last week; last week was a busy week for me and therefore just didn't have time to make any entries into my blog.  
  Last week was VBS [Vacation Bible School] and a short work week for me, of which I wasn't too thrilled with.  The first 3 days of the week I took the young man that I take care of in for VBS and I stayed to help then we would return to Brodhead.  I had Thursday and Friday off because my boss was getting ready for a "show" during particular weekend "thing" in his hometown.  Thursday, I had an appt. with a different Neurologist for a second opinion on my headache, in the bigger city about an hour from where I live.  I have been to this clinic before for some testing on my hands for carpal tunnel issues a couple years ago.
   This young lady Physician's assistant, headache specialist for the neurologists in this clinic.  She had looked at my MRI and CT scan, we talked, then she examined me, then we talked again.  Her Diagnosis is; this headache is completely stress related.  I asked her to explain what happened in Sept. that I ended up in the ER.  So, she did - by saying that because I have a history of migraine headaches and carrying stress in my neck plus when she examined me she noticed that my neck was extremely tight.  She told me that the cause my trip to ER was a result of accumulated stress that just "exploded" [in my head-the nerve that my original Neurologist did a nerve block after the er}  She decided and I agreed to going along with her because I want get off this one medication.  So, She recommended tapering off the Topamax (the medication that I didn't like being on anyway and really wasn't working anyway, very well.) She is gradually working me onto Gabepentin, and different daily pain medication that won't work against my anti-depressant that I am already on.  Plus, she recommends Physical Therapy to work on my neck and relieve the tightness which is part of the stress relation issue.  I also think that the stretches that the Physician's Assistant want them to show me will most likely help me to relieve stress in my neck in the long run.  My goal is to not have to take daily pain medication because of the headache not completely going away.  So, I will see, the Physical Therapy starts tomorrow.

I Don't Anymore.......

7/24/15 --  Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking of "committing suicide" it is just that I just don't know how to deal with my emotions or this headache anymore.  Right now, I don't have any one, really, to talk to.  I have so much bottled up right now, so many things that I want to talk to someone about stuff but I have no one to really talk to til my session with my Counselor on Tuesday.  I have, however, thought about getting in my car and driving til I can't drive anymore.  I really wish I could go on a vacation, somewhere that I haven't been before, where no one knows me. I want to just hide from all this crap!  I wish I could hide from all this emotional ups and downs.  Heck I even wish, at times, that I could become a hard hearted person that doesn't care about stuff, but I know that isn't a good thing in the long run.  In reality that isn't what I really want.  I don't want to be hard hearted.  I do want to feel all the emotions no matter how hard they are, I just don't like it. 
      I haven't been so emotional for so long, not during my divorce.  My ex-husband was a two-timing abusive jerk that hurt me in ways that I had never imagined yet this thing with my son is so much more deep, and emotional.  The ups and downs are more emotional than ever; not only that but I have a string of decent days then all of a sudden a string of, less than decent days come along.

Maybe Straightened Out

7/21/15 -- I had my conversation with an Elder of my local church just to confirm something and it actually, in a way, gave me some confidence in what I know I have to do.
However, I am still a little leary in what the end result might be.  I do have his blessing to "settle in" to my local church at my pace.  Obviously he doesn't want it to take "forever."  My getting "settled" should be done in a reasonable amount of time.  Not only that but they don't want me to {they being The Elder and his wife} to hop from church to church which I don't plan on doing after I have gotten myself "settle in."  I just like visiting another specific church once in a while because they have something that my local church doesn't have.
   I had to reschedule with my Counselor from this week to next week, which kinda bummed me out because I wanted to discuss this with him as well, but it doesn't look like I will be doing that.  I did email him the "short" of the situation but I haven't heard back from him.  He is out of his office today, which was suppose to be my appt. day, so I won't hear from him today but possibly tomorrow.
7/22/15 -- Today is an appt. with my Psychiatrist for a med. check then right after that is Occupational Therapy.  Nothing like one appt. after another, hopefully she isn't running behind.
  You know-for the second time I woke up an hour before my alarm went off and naturally I couldn't go back to sleep, partly because my little Penni girl kept wanting attention, then of course my mind wouldn't shut down!  I absolutely despise it when my mind won't shut up!  Oh and to top it all off, I woke up with a headache on the way, so of course I had to take Imitrex to head it off.
  I am so irritated right now!  I had made "tentative" plans with someone who was going to drive me to my "second opinion" appointment and I just found out that she has signed up for an art class that very same week/day after telling me she would "pencil" me in for that day.  That is so irritating to me, everyone who want/can to anything with me is only available during the week and I am available on the weekends.  They don't seem to get that when I am available it is a kink in my paycheck so there is one person who is willing to pay me the one day that I am off.  By the way, the woman wanted to make the plans with me because she said that she has been trying to do something with someone different every week and I was next on her list.  Personally, sometimes people need to work within my schedule once in a while seens how they have the pleasure of either not working every day or not working at all during the week because of them being married and I am not!  I basically responded to her email  with "You mean....." and "what the heck?" which will definitely show her that I am upset/irritated.
  I am still struggling in so many ways that it is so hard to describe.
   

This Week

7/10/15 -- This week has been very interesting because all week I have been dealing with, what I would call, "hangover headache" just hovering in the background.  Yesterday, it had intensified to the point of needing to take my Imitrex tablets, one at a time and and hour apart.  Thankfully today no intensifying indications going on which means that I am continuing to plan on going with a friend to a Farmer's Market in a town that is said to have a really good one.  So, I want/need to make sure I do some sort of grocery shopping tonight before I go home so that I don't have to worry about food over the weekend anyway.
  Yesterday, I also had a session with my Counselor which was nice because I totally needed to hear the encouragement from him.  He asked me some very pointed questions, as per usual.  I just had to show him the two most recent pics of my granddaughter.  He had asked me if I had heard anything new, to which the answer was "no".  We also discussed the whole "headache issue" and how that is also affecting my mental state.  We didn't go down the emotional path which was kinda nice, I guess.  I was blown away by his encouragement -- he kept telling me how good believes I am doing despite the "low times" that I experience.  His encouragement really does mean a lot and I thanked him for it, I also believe him. I have come to believe what he tells me even tho it is difficult for whatever reason, because I know that he means it.  Yes, Yes I realize that he is a professional and he tells that to all his patients but I don't believe that he encourages unless he means it.

New Developments

7/15/15 -- Well, I made it thru the weekend without a major headache, a very good thing.  I was really wanting to do something with an older woman, Saturday.  The headache did start on Thursday but the Imitrex was effective, the headache hung out in the background, not too bad to take anything for it. Saturday, it was getting intense enough for me to have to use the injectable Imitrex and to pick up the prescriptions at the clinic be fore meeting up with my friend at her place .

Confused

7/17/15 -- I will be seeing a different neurologist for a second opinion on my headaches.  My current Neurologist was going to send me to a Pain Clinic anyway, so I requested for him to send me to a Neurologist in Dean/St. Mary's in Madison area.  The only reason I want to second opinion is just to make sure that he has exhausted all avenues before we go to the Pain Clinic and I become a "guinea pig" in the medication department.  The whole idea of trying different medications til we get one that works effectively just doesn't tickle my fancy, in the least.  Plus, I talked to a friend that told about his bout with headaches and how a Dr. helped him with his headaches with an injection at the base of his brain, so I am hoping that this different Neurologist knows about this type of injection and if it would help me.
   Then there is the stuff that I have been learning in this Summer Study that I has me wondering how it applies to me.  Clear Conscience, and Forgiveness.......I feel that I have a Clear Conscience and have Forgiven my son yet I know that I have to do the forgiving on a daily basis.  Not only that but I have been told that I should take part in communion

The Confusion Continues.........

7/20/15 -- Some new developments concerning the headache I have been dealing with.  I am getting a second opinion from a different Neurologist at the Dean/St. Mary's in Madison.  My Neurologist was going to send me to a Pain Specialist anyway to so I request another Neurologist since the only Headache Specialist isn't accepting new patients.  The appt. has been made and and my Neurologist has sent my records and his notes so now I am waiting for confirmation from the St. Mary's Clinic.
   This past Sunday I went to a different Church, one that I had switched to while my son and daughter in-law where still in town.  The reason being is; one -  my Friend is out of town and no one to go to church with; two - they had a Baptism/Picnic was at a small area woods/creek that hasn't been my "thing" since my son has been out of the "house".  My Friend tried to get to go to the 9am service which was still at the building, but I had to remind and reiterate that I still am having issues with walking into the doors on Sunday mornings and I explained to her why.  In short it has to do with the fact that there are bad memories associated with Sunday mornings and that is just the way it is.  She didn't have that much to say after that.  At first she tried to say that I had to get past that but after I explained she couldn't respond. Not sure if that is good or bad.
   Since I didn't go to my local church because of the Baptism/picnic someone messaged me to make sure she didn't miss me.
So, I explained that she didn't miss me that I had gone to a different church because this outdoor church thing just isn't my thing; I did explain why but she countered with "we are all family and there were other singles there."  The thing is since my son has been grown and on his own I haven't like those outdoor services period.  {There there is my ankle issues - I would have to wear an ankle brace on my right ankle, I just don't really want to do that not to mention the parking issue but all that is just excuses.}
Anyway, this friend seemed to "shoot" me for going to another church and having a "second family of believers" who care about me too.  I don't get it:  Why is it so wrong for me to have 2 "families" because where one has lack the other picks up?  I have talked to select people in my second people that I KNOW I CAN TRUST about what I going on between my son and I and have gotten very wise and prayful advise.  A few in my local family knows about the "outside" family, as far as, my talking to a certain pastor pair for advice and encouragement when needed.
   

Moving Along

7/7/15 -- So this morning, not so much of a headache, yet I still felt like I needed to take an Imitrex to keep what was lingering from getting worse.   I did get one last email from my Neurologist, before he left the office last night.  he is thinking that he should have done and nerve blocking injection on the left side of my head, yet he is wanting to wait out the week or two, asking what I think.  When I finally got home from the two appts that I had, to see the email and respond.  I responded to his email; telling him that I didn't mind waiting along with asking him a question.  The question was, "what do you make of the headache " something along that line because I am frustrated at the idea of not having this headache under control yet, close but not yet.  I am waiting to hear from him to respond to the email I sent him last night.  
   I can honestly tell you that this is also messing with my emotional state more that I care to show or demonstrate, I am tired of the emotions on my sleeves.  This study that I am doing with some other people, is a struggle to do for a variety of reasons.  One is because I should be spending more time doing the studying but haven't been and I am not going to offer up excuses.  For reasons that I am not exactly sure of, I turn the TV on with the clear intentions of turning off after I have eaten supper, but don't follow thru.  Then there is the Rabbit Trail study that I am supposed to also be studying for and haven't been following thru on that, either.  
  Last night most definitely didn't go as I had tentatively planned for it to.  I wanted to go to Freeport for a meeting but that didn't quite happen.  I was able to get to the bank before they closed to deposit/cash my last weeks' check, and run a number of errands afterwards, then supper.  By the time I had gotten home it was 6pm so no going to Freeport, I was bummed.  Then my apt. manager called because I had forgotten to drop the rent in the door slot so after my shower, I changed my shirt and walked the money order over to her and we talked a few minutes; she gave me permission to get a roll screen to staple to the inside of the deck rail to keep Bear inside so we can sit out on the deck and I don't have to watch him every minute, which is pretty cool.  I didn't even get to do the bible studying that I had wanted to do after my shower because it got so late in the evening.
   It seems that I have picked up another very parttime job-helping someone out with her household care.  It will depend on the day I go, on what I will be doing, I told her that I would be willing to anything she needed me to do: cooking, cleaning, helping with the children so she can resting or a mixture of the 3.  Sweet.
  
  
   

Lousy Weekend!

7/6/15 -- This past weekend was NOT THE WEEKEND I HAD PLANNED by any stretch of the imagination!  I had a 3 day weekend that for a change I was looking forward to.  I was going to run some errands on Friday make a phone call and hopefully end up in a small town about 40 mins from my apt. helping someone with her children.  Then on Saturday I was planning on going back to the same place to have some fun       because they were having a 4th of July Party, I really wanted to    just go and have so much fun.  No, such luck!  Really, really, sucks because I was so much looking so forward to having fun and getting out of my head.                                                    
   Instead I was in so much pain because of the stupid headache that came back to haunt me in a seriously major way.  First it showed up on Thursday but the Imitrex injection pen worked and no more        headache but then it showed up again Friday and the Imitrex didn't work at all so I was miserable.  Saturday I woke up with the       headache again, so more Imitrex and no result, but this time the   headache moved across my forehead and ended up on the left side of  my head so I was absolutely miserable.  I just am so frustrated, irritated, sick, and tired of these headaches I just want to just scream; remove my head, put a different one on there.             
    I was hoping to "run" from my emotional problems by having fun for a change instead this headache had just added to my emotional issues but in a different way;  instead of my son and family it is my headache pain causing the emotional issues.                     
    First thing this morning, sent my Neurologist an mychart email to let him know exactly what was going this past weekend.  Nothing like having something like this completely ruin my plans for     something that I was actually looking forward to, for a change.  
     Anyway, so that was the extent of my weekend, I stayed off all electronics, so no computer time.  I didn't check facebook, checked it once on Friday in the morning but that was it.  Saturday I never even bothered my computer just because I knew it wouldn't be a good idea.  Then, later on Saturday someone called me and it seemed like she was yelling at me. This is the first time that sound actually bothered me right up at my ear.                                    
       What a sucky weekend, I apologize about driving that home, I was looking forward to something and it was ruined.  Ok, ok I guess I will change the subject altho I don't know to what say, at the     moment.  I have OT later this afternoon for my arm/wrist plus I have at appt. with my Counselor on Thursday.  I haven't decided whether I am looking forward to that appt. or not.  I am sure that between now and Thursday I am sure I will see some great pics of my             granddaughters, thankfully there was none that I missed.  I guess   there is a plus of not being friends of theirs right now because I  don't have to see pics that I don't want to see that I am not       included in right now.  That they find so easily to blatantly leave me out.                                                             

Another Injection

6/30/15 -- So, last Thursday I had and appointment with my Neurologist; a check up after the first injection especially because I was continuing to have headaches.  I also was planning on asking him to refer me to an occupational therapist after talking to him about what is going about  with my wrist and fingers.   After talking to my Dr. for a while he suggested that we do the injection again and wait to wean me off the Topamax.  I was kinda bummed about that part but I understand.  He also asked about how the Imitrex was working and decided  to switch me to a different form of the Imitrex; an injectable form because it gets into the system faster.  The only time Imitrex really works for me is when I take right when the headache comes on otherwise it won't work, at all.   So, that is why The Dr. switched me to that form, gets into my system much faster.   Also, I agreed with him to go ahead with the second injection, in my head, the nerve blocker.    The only reason is because I was continuing to have headaches -- not a continuous one but they would come and go only if I took the Imitrex at the onset of the headache.   Hopefully, prayerfully this injection will last longer and as he put it "push the headache over the edge" and it won't return in any way, shape or form.  I really want to get off the Topamax but now I have to wait til we see how long this injection is going to last.  Bummer.
      I also asked my Neurologist about a referral to an occupational Therapist after explaining to him what was going on; after all he works with the nerves all over the body so he is just as capable of referring me to that person as my going back to the dr. who did the carpal tunnel release a number of years ago.  He didn't have a problem with doing that, at all.
    I know that I really haven't addressed the real reason for the blog and that is my emotional state----well to be honest I have spent some time "running" from that just because of not wanting to deal with the stuff.   I sometimes get so tired of dealing with that stuff that I would like to just run, run, run, run.  Then there is the fact that is weekend is the "not so great anniversary" when  everything spiraled out of control for me.  I am not looking forward to this weekend at all.  I have been trying to come up with a plan, someone to hang out with for part of the day and I have to STAY OFF FACEBOOK all day in order to maintain some level of sanity. 
      You see, my son and daughter in-law now seem to find so much easier to be blatantly  excluding me from their lives, as the girls grandmother.   You can't imagine how much that hurts me.  That is why I just don't want to face it all the time.  I am thankful that I do have "permission" to not face it all the time.  My Counselor told me that I need/should take charge of my depression, not allow it to be in charge of me, so choosing when to go the the "pile of crap" and when not to is a good thing.  I tell you I really just want to run away from this for awhile.
     The thought has cross my mind this morning that I am tired  of jus sitting around here "mopping and doing basically nothing"  I am not happy with this.  I want to get of here is and do something with my life, not exactly sure what or how to go about it but to want or need to do something.

Counseling Session

6/26/15 -- So, yesterday was quite the interesting morning.  It started off with getting work earlier, then session with my counselor, Rabbit Trails Bible Study, Appt. with my Neurologist, follow up.  Nothing like "killing 3 birds with 1 stone".
  The session with my Counselor was emotional, as usual.  It always is when I am with him, I have to admit that I absolutely hate going a month between visits, that is just plain too long.  To many things can happen and/or too much time to think or become hard or something.   As usual, he took down the path that I hadn't wanted to go for the last couple of weeks, but when I am in session with him, I don't mind, I know that I am in a safe, with a respectful, safe person.  He also like to press, so he did that again and asked some pressing questions which I don't mind, I expect nothing less from him.  It is his way for provoking thought and helping also for him to understand better.
   The one big thing that we discussed; the picture my daughter in-law posted with some words that had something to do with grandma being miles away but being under the same stars--notice the singular word grandma she WAS NOT referring to me or including me at ALL!  Talk about driving a knife into my heart or throwing more salt into the wound.  She is excluding me from their lives as a grandma and my son is allowing her to do it!  I don't get it!  How can he allow her to exclude me as grandma?!😪😠
    I feel that it is so bad that I have made a rather heart wrenching decision, however I really can't follow thru because the people involved are dealing with some other stuff right now.  The reason I have made this heart wrenching decision is because I really don't know the truth of my son's feeling towards me or how soon this situation between us will be resolved; I feel I must get some things taken care of regarding my personal estate and things along that line.  So basically, my son is no longer my executor of my "so called" estate.  I have decided to make a very special couple the executor of my "so called" estate.   He can deal with my son and if my son is willing to accept the conditions of the "will" and conditions of the "estate" then he can have it all.  If he is not then the executor can have it all for him and his children because they are like family to me anyway.
     My counselor and I also then discussed the fact that I have felt like I have been becoming hard hearted and I don't like it but yet I do because I am sick and tired of being a puddle of emotions every time someone asks me how I am doing.  He said that is normal and ok; it is a normal progression because it is a means of protection.  He suggested that I control it by determining when and where I wanted to go to the "pile of crap" and when I don't.  So, the "hard heartedness is fine as a means of protection as long as I control it.  That is a total relief to me because on the one hand I want to protect myself from all the emotional crap but I don't want to become hard towards God and what He has and wants to continue to do in my life.
   I am so totally still struggling mentally and emotionally because grappling with the treatment coming from son and his wife is just incomprehensible to me.  I am really relying on God after all He is the ONE and ONLY that can do anything to change this.  He is the ONLY ONE the can get to my son and family.  He is the ONLY ONE that I can trust.  I also do know that I am not doing a very good job of being obedient to God by trusting, forgiving, truly believing that He can do all the is Promised in His Word.

Learning/struggling along

6/23/15 -- Last weekend was an interesting weekend for me because it was an extended one and I wasn't looking forward to it at all.  I wanted so much to not be around my apt for the entire 4 days but that is exactly what ended up happening because I had no choice!  What I ended up doing is keeping myself busy by creating a mess that I had to clean up.  I went thru my tote of "summer clothes" to see what I really had and went thru to see what had to be thrown away or given away.  I finally got thru it all but it took me all 4 days to get it all put away.  Basically, it was just away to keep my mind occupied so that I wouldn't have to go to a place that I don't want to go.

       What is an interesting about this week is my Counselor is back in the office after being off for being off for what I think is a week and a half or so.  The interesting thing is I normally look forward to seeing him because I like talking to him about the things that are on my heart but this week/month {because it has been a month since my last visit with him} I sort am not looking forward to my session with my counselor.  I sort of do not want to go "there" this time.   I am tired of the emotional  roller coaster that I have been on for the last year and even more so this last several months, not only that but, I am coming up on a year, since the worst of this started and I am afraid [for lack of better terminology] of what I could see on Facebook this year, again around the forth of July.
I know that my counselor will "make" me to the that place, that I don't like going and to be honest I don't mind going there with him.  He is so empathetic and does he best to understand also he is very caring, I so appreciate that.  He does an excellent job of encouraging me, as well, that means a lot to me too.   What is even cooler, is the fact that he periodically checks on me, especially when it's been a month since since our last visit.
         A picture showed up on Facebook from my daughter in-law's professional photo page, last week, of my granddaughters sitting on a dock in the evening, with the words, something to the effect of - with grandma miles away it's nice to know we are looking at the same stars.  Notice the singular "grandma" she was NOT referring to me or including me, AT ALL!   You cannot imagine how much that hurts and how angry that made me.  She is leaving me out of their lives as a grandma!  Thankfully I can download the pictures without the words!  Inside I have been "fit to be tied" that is why I haven't been willing to "go there" with anyone.  I did tell mom but I didn't really go there emotionally, I haven't gone there since I saw that on Facebook.
       This has been a learning experience for me, about myself and I still haven't figured things out.  Go figure.  This study I am doing has, in some ways, challenged me but not, the Grace part has especially the suffering part of grace.  My problem, among many :) is that I can grasp how long this has lasted lest along that it could last longer.  Then there is this "I can't believe my son has done this.  I have really been struggling with angry with or at him and blaming her or even myself somehow.  I is a constant struggle to keep from staying angry or continuing to blame them.

Trying to Deal Better

6/15/15 -- These last couple of weeks have been a huge challenge for me and I know that I have not been doing a very good job of blogging or being an encouragement to those of you who read this, I apologize.  I have really been struggling myself and have not been able to encourage anyone because the moving of my son and family as just thrown me for a loop, in a sense.  To further complicate things they did something with my bike that they had been storing for me and {the main, important thing} is they didn't take the gifts that I had for the girls at Christmas time. I just really haven't recovered from that but I have been trying, at the same time I have been going thru a Bible Study that has been giving me "food for thought" so to speak.  The Word of God still is my foundation, struggles or not.  It has difficult for me to focus on God or the Bible, which is pretty pathetic, when you think about it but oh well.
    Then there is this whole headache thing. Yes, the headache has returned, dang it!  I have had it now for the last 3-4 days and my Imitrex has somewhat reduced the pain, but in reality not much.  Thankfully I do have an appt. with my neurologist on the 25th.  However, he requested that I keep him updated via the clinic email, which I have been doing.  The headache has been making an appearance over the last couple of weeks as well and my neurologist has been in the loop.  This is so not a good thing and I am not very happy about it.  I have a bad feeling that this is going to mean some medication adjustment rather than a tapering down of the Topamax.
     I also was seriously want to go see my family in Ohio and I was planning I was on taking the train however the ticket went up from one time I checked to the next time I checked - the key thing tho is the return time wasn't working out for me.  I  want to return on Sunday but they have me returning on Monday which is not a good thing.  So, no Ohio this month, hopefully later this year when I can stay longer especially now that I have a much better idea on cost for the train and buses also for the possibility of staying in a hotel the day before the train in Chicago.  I can save up for a few months, I checked airlines and they are triple the cost of the train which is ridiculous.
    My emotions are so confused right now - I deal with being angry every time someone asks me about my son which then blends into being angry at or with my son, not good.  I don't want to be or like being angry with or at my son.  I am not consistently angry only when some one inquires about him.  Then I deal with being home all the time and having too much on my mind or should I say only one thing on my mind which isn't good because it always takes me to a place I want to stay away from, yet it is very hard to when I really don't have a whole lot to distract me from those thoughts unless I keep the stupid TV on and I kind of get tired of doing that.
   This week I have Thursday and Friday off along with the weekend and I am really not liking the prospect of that at all with nothing specially fun to do or go.  My birthday is on Thursday and I really am not going to have anyone to celebrate it with, a bummer.  I am taking part in a Bible Study on Thursday mornings and I will be taking some special cupcakes for that, other than that, there is nothing else going on.  I wish I had more friends that I could do things with.