Thoughts of the Future.....

8/13/15 -- So, over the last couple of days I have been trying to go "that place" that causes me a great deal of emotional pain.  My Counselor wants me to think about what it would be like if this situation would go on for 20, 30, 40, years and how I would be able to positively, constructively move on with my life.  He means; move on with my life with joy and happiness, without having to see him on a regular basis I am sure 😐.  To be completely honest, it is really super difficult to go to that place, I just don't want to "fall apart."  Going to "that place" actually scares me to "death" for lack of other words.  Admittedly I didn't really try all that hard because I didn't want to, just I just can't bring myself to comprehend the thought of not seeing my son, let alone my granddaughter, the littlest one for that long.  😢
   Shall I talk to my little Granddaughter;  she is one beautiful little girl.  I was invited and able to go to her first birthday party, last October, so I took a lot of pictures, on my cell phone.  As I was looking rather closely at one of these pictures I happen to notice that her nose didn't look like either one of her parents.  I do have pictures of both of them to compare to.  Anyway,  I was noticing that her nose and the shape of her face was more like mine, not either one of her parents.  It was way too funny; but it was awesome because then I wondered if my son and has figured out that he has been holding and taking care of his "mom" in a sense.  😜  Now I get why someone at church told me that she looks like me.  At first I said, " no way" because all I could see was my son; she was born with absolutely beautiful dark hair just like his, and I have never been so proud of him.  When she was born I was so proud, this little girl is my first granddaughter - blood born granddaughter and for me that is extremely special.
    Even tho both parents have "unfriended" me on Facebook which pathetic and her mom has "blocked" me so I can't even find her to even see how things are going with her;  I "liked" her Professional Facebook Photography page so that I don't miss any pictures that she post of the girls.  That can be a good and a bad thing because it is a haunting reminder that they are so far away and I can't see them in person, however I am not missing them growing up as I do get the pictures.  It is far from the same as seeing them in person tho and I miss them so incredibly much.  I can't even begin to verbalize  how much I miss them, especially my son and little granddaughter.
   The super hardest part of this thing has been the loss of the extra special relationship that my son and I once had.  I am fully aware that what we had is a rare thing, most single moms raising sons don't get to have such a relationship with their sons that I had.  I most definitely don't understand what happened -- the one thing that seems to be reflecting here is my daughter in-law was accusing me a being jealous, maybe she is the one who was/is jealous of the what my son and I had and she sought to destroy it and my son just didn't see it coming because of the other garbage that he has been dealing with.  I don't understand..........