Hoping

12/20/19 -- Here's to hoping (in Christ) that 2020 is so much better than this year has been.  This year has been so, so, I worked for a part of the year, not working right now, since September.  Really sucks, that I haven't been working, even part time, would be fine.
  There is still zero communication between my son and I.  I can't even get him to comment on text messages without him thinking that I want to talk about the past.  So, despite how I feel I need to just let him go and do his thing.  I am praying that reality will "smack" him in the face to realize that he needs his mom, in his and his daughters' lives.  I so want to just be a grandma to my granddaughters and leave the past alone.  I have zero interest in rehashing the past, in anyway shape or form, yet either he thinks so or his wife does.  All that to say, they do seem ready, and I don't understand it but I can't control it, either.
   Right now, I am in a rather bad situation, with my car and rent.  My car needs about $900 worth of work on it, rather soon, too.  The passenger side, front wheel bearing is going out and the tie rod is broke or breaking.  According to the mechanic, I have some time - like it's not going to fall apart in the next day or weeks.  However, this is something that I NEED get repaired very soon.  Even if I was working I wouldn't be able to afford to get this work done.  Geezlaweez, the car was given to me but I have had to put money into it that I wasn't expecting or thinking.  Keeping the oil changed is something that I know, always has to be kept up, but new rear brake drums and now this with the passenger front side is ridiculous.

OMG

11/30/19 -- Well, needless to say, my son has finally pissed me off!  I have sent him messages and getting zero responses to a great majority of them, including one that includes wanting to making arrangements to pick up a leather coat and his acoustic bass guitar.  I then sent him a different message showing how am currently feeling about his lack of response to my text messages; he accused me of baiting him into a conversation that we have already had!  He is being so blinded, I believe, by whatever his wife is telling him!  I am so sick and tired of this crap!  I have officially done, playing whatever game she is playing with him;  I am no longer going to play with her!  I gave him two weeks to, originally, gave him 2 wks to make arrangements to either pick up or to meet to get it, or I am going to give it to someone who will take care of it, or sell.  This time, however, I told him that he has 1 week, to either pick up or make arrangements to get, or I am getting rid of it, however I see fit.  
    Mom, told me that I could sell the leather coat and keep the money.  I do believe that is what I am going to do, if I don't hear from him, whose being a hypocrite!
  I was actually trying to encourage a simple  response to my texts messages.  He has zero excuse for not responding to messages, regardless what they are.  He is being rude, disrespectful, and dishonoring of me, his mom!  So, I have decided to put a stop to my messages, since that seems to be what he thinks.....although, I think that Leesa has something to do with it, that is what is irritating, to me.  I have even decided to give a doll that i was saving for my little granddaughter, to another adorable little girl, because I don't know that I will be able to give this doll to her, my granddaughter, that is.

UPDATE

9/11/19 -- It has been a very long time since my last post.  I will offer zero excuses.  There has been a lot of stuff going on.  I did some dog/house sitting for different families.  Earlier, this year, the end of June/beginning of July one family was gone for 2 weeks so I lived at their house for that time frame to take care of their dog.  During this time frame I was dog sitting i was also working for the printing company, but I thoroughly enjoyed taking care those dogs.  The problem is this family moved to Michigan, so I won't be taking care of those dogs, anymore.  I am very bummed about that too.  I really really enjoyed watching those dogs, too, especially since it was like a vacation.  They lived in the woods and their house was pretty good size, and roomy.  I really liked the location of that house and that I could take a shower in a very roomy bathtub/shower.  Plus, I really liked the peace and quiet of the location.  Their dogs were awesome too.

This is one of their dogs, her name is Stella.  She is quite a pup.  She always laid between my legs when i would sit on the couch with the foot rest up.  I am glad that i have some pictures of these dogs.  I even had those pictures printed and magnets made out of them.

  One other dog that I recently dog sat for, passed away.  Her name was Molly and she was an older dog that had found her way to her owners, 14 years prior.  She had some sort of seizure an hour after they returned from visiting their oldest daughter, about 4 and half hours north of here.  The seizure was worse than the first she had just a couple days earlier in the week.  She was a great dog.  She was always excited whenever I went there to see her.  She always slept just outside the room that i was sleeping in and was ready to eat or go to out whenever I got up.  As much as I am a cat person, I very much enjoy dogs, especially when they love on me too.  

This is Molly and she passed away 2 weeks ago.  I am so sad along with her owners.  They had to put her to "sleep" to put an end to her pain that was caused by the seizures.

Working

7/11/19 -- This has been an interesting several months.  I am currently working at the printing company, where I live.  I am working for the printing company, 4 days a week (unfortunately), and babysitting, 1 day a week; the the little girl, because school is out.  The grandmother was able to find people to take Monday and Tuesday, so I could work the 4 days, instead of 3, the way it started out.  This project that we are working on, is quite a project!  I highly doubt that it'll be done by then, but it could be.  
  We are {some of us} sorting post cards into piles of counties, and zip codes, which is a very tedious process.  Just one County has 56 zip codes, very interesting.
  The family that I dog/house sat for, moved to Michigan, where her family lives, to be closer to her dad.  So, I won't be taking care of their dogs, anymore.  I am bummed but what can I do?  Their house was beautiful, big and in a wooded area.  Their master bath was huge in comparison to my bathroom.  I made good use of the bathtub shower, because the shower was awesome and the tub was a decent size to just chill in the tub, a while.  Their dogs were fun to hang out with and I was given permission to eat whatever food i wanted so they wouldn't have to get rid of or take with them everything.
  There's drama with my sister's ex husband because he's being a jerk, and treats their girls, like crap.  I just don't understand that, he helped bring those girls into being and he's being a jerk to the extreme.  To the point that their counselor got him to agree to let my sister take her girls to florida, for a month.  They all needed a break, apparently this counselor is sensing anger in him, which doesn't surprise me.

AGAIN

6/15/19 -- This year just hasn't started off all that great and here we are, in the middle of the year, already.  My birthday is in 3 days, and I am dog/house sitting.  I don't mind doing that, as a matter of fact, I enjoy it.  What sucks, is the fact that, and other death, has happened.  This time it was a long time friend of mine.  She was an older woman and we have been friends for a long time.  We had a falling out, a while back, but were able to reconcile here not too long ago, of which I am very thankful.  
  I found out about her passing, on facebook, again!  I say, again, because this is like the second or third time that I have found out about a death via facebook.  Anyway, I inquired as to what caused her passing and the reason given was leukemia.  She was diagnosed only a month ago!  What a quick passing!  I wish I had taken the opportunity to see her one more time.  There were a number of times that I thought about stopping to see her or messaging her to see if it was ok to stop by and visit plus I wanted to see her new kitty.  I never did contact her to see about visiting.  I am sorry that I didn't, but I can't dwell there or feel guilty about it.  It doesn't stop me from feeling bad tho.
  There will be a memorial service for her on June 29, at the church that she attended and I attended some years ago.  I am definitely going to that.
  That woman had a unique personality and we got along great, for awhile.  When I was going thru my dark time, we had a falling out and hadn't seen each other for quite a long time; then all of a sudden, I saw her at the grocery store, and talked and she invited me to her apt for lunch, and that was the last time I saw her first cat, Chance, and as it turns out - the last time I saw her.  I am ever so thankful that I took the opportunity  to reconcile with her, God knew what was coming and opened the door for us to reconcile, and I am so glad the I walked thru that door.
   I expressed on facebook that I have had enough of death!  I know that I have expressed that here, a number of posts ago, so I won't repeat myself.

Trouble

5/16/19 -- Today was a, no work, day.  I am definitely bummed because I didn't have to go to work at the printing co. that I have been working for, on a temp. basis.  The department that I am working in, is the mailroom, and is solely based on the amount of work that need to be done.  So, essentially I have been on a daily basis.  I wait to receive a text, from the boss, as to whether I should come in or not. Here lately, I have been working Mon. - Wed. for sure then Thurs., and Friday are the iffy days.  Last week I worked on Thursday but not Friday.  I do like work simply because it, sort of, keeps my mind off things that bother me.
  I did reach out to my Pastor friends, last week, and he told me on Sunday, that sometime, this week.  Well, so far, nothing has materialized.  He did tell me that He was definitely book thru Tuesday, when I asked him about Wed and the rest of the week.  He finally got back to me about today, and told that he ended up getting booked up on Wednesday, and that he would get back to me today, as far as, today and even tomorrow.  I have been really struggling with stuff to the point of the potential going back to that super dark place.
  Mom is the one who mentioned that I am stuck....I am stuck and I feel that if something doesn't change there is the potential for me to go back to that really dark place. I really need and want to talk.  I don't want to go back to that place and I am really hoping that he will have a solution or insight.                                                                

No Work

5/10/19 -- Well, I didn't have to work today.  I worked all week, but today not so much.  I have only babysat one day due to the crazy rainy weather that we've had most of this week.  Now today, I don't know for sure if I have to babysit because the Grandma does in home care, and she was called to come in yesterday, but wasn't sure about today.  I haven't heard from her, as of yet.  
  I am going to make the eclairs that I want to make for my mom.  I have to go to the grocery store to pick up milk, cream, and something else.  I am planning on going to see my mom, tomorrow so that I can go to church, on Sunday.  Plus I am going to treat myself to a decent place to eat.  Someplace like Laughing Trout, or Vinces or possibly even The Sand Burr, depending on if I go to the Lovelaces, or not.
   It would be super nice if I actually heard from my son, however, I am not holding my breath, which is pretty sad.
Sad because I haven't really heard from my son, on his own, for quite a long time.  I really miss him, my dad, my sister, and my granddaughters.

Post Visitation

5/9/19 -- I have to admit that I am still having issues with the death of this teenager.  This death is just is piled on top of the other deaths that have occurred in my family.  I get that this teenager wasn't in my family but I knew this young man and I know his family, and with all that I have dealt with working thru my temptation of suicide, has hit me the hardest.  I can also say that I don't quite understand why this has affected me like it has but now what do I do about it?
  I sent an email to my Pastor and long time friend, letting him know where I am at and what I have been feeling.  He actually called me on Tuesday night, late, after I had fallen asleep.  He wanted to make sure that I was ok, that I wasn't back to where I was.  He remembers because I went to him and the senior Pastor of the church that I was attending at the time.  My friend and Pastor was the associate Pastor at the time.  Anyway, he just wanted to be sure that if I was in need, that I would call my psychiatrist.  It meant a lot to have him call me like that, even though that wasn't my intent, when I sent that email.
  I feel like I am in a desperate place, though.  I just had to send that email, along with the second one.  I do feel like I am in a place that I don't like but I don't know how to get out of it, at least not on my own.  He hasn't responded to my email, but then again, I don't know that I should expect a response right away.  Anyway, I reached out.  I know that I will see him and his family on Sunday, church.
  I am planning on taking some homemade eclairs to my mom for Mother's Day, on Saturday.  I want to go to church on Sunday and possibly stay someone's house for a couple hours before coming home.  Otherwise I will more than likely stop at a restaurant, that is just outside of a small town that I drive thru every Sunday.  I was told this Restaurant is pretty good and decently priced.  I have heard that they have pretty good food too.  I am not expecting anything from my own son, which is pretty sad, but it's the way it is.

Visitation

5/4/19 -- So, yesterday was the visitation and funeral for the young man who is a son of a friend of mine, also is one of a pair of twins.  I saw so many people that I haven't seen in quite a long time, which is ok, I guess.  Of course, I expected that would happen because I haven't been to that church in such a long time.  I even saw the pastor of the church, and updated him on the stuff between my son and I.  He was glad to hear about the slow "thawing" between us.  Yet, I have to be patient, because as per usual, I can't force that young man to do anything.
  Anyway, I only stayed for the visitation, I just couldn't bring myself to stay for the funeral.  For some reason, it just felt like it was too soon, after all the funerals that I had been to since my sister past away.  There was another funeral or visitation that I should have gone to but I didn't because of work and I was just apprehensive about going.
  I did spend a couple of hours with my friends mom because she is lonely because the other grandma passed away about 2 weeks ago, and she was living in the same household.  I don't mind keeping someone company, let her talk and gets me out of my apt.  Then the rest of the day, my mind just wasn't with it, at all.  I stopped at a store to pick something specific up, and walked out without that specific thing, but with other stuff.  Weird huh?  I ended up having to go back and pick that thing up along with a couple other things.
  I have been emailing with a man that has been quite encouraging to me, I let my psychiatrist know what I have been feeling and been goin on.  She suggested increasing my citalopram but what I want is really to talk to someone.
Evidently, my former counselor's new job prospect, fell thru, so she is back but apparently her position has been reconfigured.  She is going to see me, but they ultimately wants me in a counseling group and something about my skills would be helpful.  Not sure what they mean by that.

Another Suicide???????

4/29/30 -- Found out earlier, this evening, that someone I know's son {one of a pair of twins} took his own life, early Sunday morning. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭  When I saw the posting for his visitation and funeral, this coming Friday, it felt like I got punched in the chest......I have been where this young must have found himself, but for some reason he didn't or couldn't ask for help.  I don't understand, I just don't understand.
  I can't even imagine what his twin brother is feeling right now.  I can't even imagine.  I am relatively close to the woman who raised him, his Grandma and Grandpa, raised them.  I don't remember why they were taken away from their mom, but nonetheless Grandma and Grandpa were also mom and dad. So, anyway, I know that the mom/Grandma and this child/young man didn't quite get along.  Apparently, it was to the point that he attempted suicide and was admitted to a mental hospital for a time, then someone else in the church, took him in {with the permission of his mom/Grandma} and he seemed to be doing ok, so far as I knew.  
   I do know that he was no longer welcome at his grandma's house, without someone like grandpa or grandma because of something that he did.  I wonder if maybe there was some extreme things said during that exchange that put him back in that bad and dark place.  I really, really hope not, but it's not beyond the realm of possibility.
  Taking your own life, just isn't the answer, it just isn't.  I do know exactly where he was tho.  GET HIELP, IF YOU FIND YOURSELF THINKING OR FEELING LIKE THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU.  IT ISN'T TRUE, THE WORLD ISN'T BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!  THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT DO LOVE YOU AND CARE ABOUT YOU AND IF YOU WOULD JUST OPEN UP AND ASK FOR HELP, SOMEONE WILL GET YOU THE HELP YOU NEED.  YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GO TO THE PSYCHIATRIST FOR MEDS AND COUNSELING TO HELP YOU COPE WITH ALL THE TURMOIL THAT YOU ARE FEELING.  I KNOW - IT TOOK ME 3 YEARS TO WORK MY WAY, FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM THAT VERY, VERY DARK PLACE, I WAS IN THAT I WANTED TO DRIVE INTO A SEMI-TRUCK OR A BRIDGE PILING.  I WAS PUT ON AN ANTI-DEPRESSANT AND MATCHED WITH THE RIGHT COUNSELOR THAT HELPED ME THROUGH A VERY ROUGH 2 YEARS, THEN A DIFFERENT ONE, WHO HELPED ME THE REST OF THE WAY.  THE THIRD ONE WAS THERE FOR WHENEVER I NEEDED TO TALK AND HELP KEEP ME ON THE PATH I HAVE BEEN ON.

Maybe too soon

4/13/19 -- So, I started this job at a printing company, in the town I live in, and it already looks like I won't be there too much longer.  The job that I have been doing looks like its winding down, cause the mail is dwindling down thanks to my working on the sorting.  Yes, there are a couple of people that have helped me but I am, pretty much the only one that has been doing the sorting of this mail.  I do know that it may be that the supervisor maybe letting a number of the girls go sooner than myself because he know those who actually shows up everyday and works the entire time they are there; and he knows the ones that only shows up whenever they want and works at a slow pace along with making mistakes.  Yet, my time there, this time around, doesn't look like it's going to be too much longer.  GRRRRR
  Anyway, one of the changes that I made or updated was on the foodshare account for my state, but they need verification and I still haven't gotten it to them as quickly as I needed to because they cancelled my stuff!  Thankfully, my landlord isn't interested in updating or rectifying me as I don't know how much longer this job will last.  I am selfishly praying that the job lasts a bit longer, even if I only have to come in for a number of hours in the morning.  I really need to be working for all if not part of the day, before gong to my babysitting job.  I kinda like doing this job, for a variety of reasons.

Dreams

3/24/19 -- Has anyone ever had a reoccurring dream?  One that you have over the course of your life?
  I have --- as a matter of fact, I just had it last night.  It's really strange because it's not a scary dream; but it's a dream that while it's the same, there are elements of it that can be different but the same.  I can't figure out where the concept of this dream ever came from, outside of a book that I read many years ago.
  Dream:  I am in this huge house - at least on the inside it's huge because there is this secret passage the leads to a whole different part of the house.  I am pretty much confident that I know what triggered the dream, though.  Any way, I am in this house and for some reason, I am forced to retreat the secret part of the house, for protection.  I have lived in this secret part of the house for years.  Every once in a while, I go to the main part of the house to see what is going on outside.  Then out of terror I end up back in the secret part of the house because something terrified me.  It's seems that there were other people there and I ended up back in the main house and was prevented from getting to a secret passage, even though the man guarding the closet wasn't sure why he was posted there, I could see the confusion on his face.  Somehow, I was able to get back into the secret section, however someone followed me but this section had an extra secret place that ultimately let outside by a tricky door.  The door lead to the outside and to the main part of the secret part of the house.  I knew the way to turn the knob (or something) to be sure I got to the main part of the secret house, the person following me ended up outside and he couldn't figure out where I went.  
  At some point I woke up, thinking "why did I dream about that house, again?   You see, I have dreamed about that house/secret house many times over the years, the scenarios are different but I always end up safe.
  I have talked about the fact that I like watching Ghost Adventures, on the travel channel, once.  Anyway, I watched a new episode of the show, last night, which occurred in a hotel/casino in Reno, NV.  This hotel/casino had secret rooms in it so the owner could count the money without anyone seeing what he was doing.  I also believe those rooms were used to torture and kill people he may have thought were cheating, cause that's how the mob dealt with people they thought were cheating.  I thing the secret rooms in the hotel is what triggered the dream I had last night.

FINALLY!!!!

3/22/19 -- Finally, I start back at a printing company that I have worked for in the past, a year ago.  I happened to be at the grocery store, a couple of weeks ago, and saw someone that works at that company.  We started talking, she told me that they are busy, they have 7 temp. people and only 4 our of the 7 come to work on a regular basis.  She told me that they are behind, as a result.  So, I decided that I would email the temp. service, and call the boss of the mail room of this company.  The first email back from the temp. service said no, but the next day or so, a call came from the temp. service stating that the boss called and said they needed help.  So, my phone call worked, to the boss of the mail room.  I didn't reveal that I had a conversation with a certain someone from the mail room, but I am glad that I did.
  A direct result of that call to the boss of the mailroom, is that I start working for them on Monday.  I had to go to the clinic in the bigger city, about an hour away from me, for a drug screening and reverifying info at the office of the temp. service.  There is where I found out that I would start on Monday, like this coming Monday.  I am so glad because I really need something to keep me busy during the day, before going to babysit; not to mention the money that really comes in handy.  I also found out that I will be making more money, this year than that last time I worked for them, which is even better.

Why cont.?????

3/8/19 -- To continue from my last posting:  The title of this is "Why?"  So, why did it take so long for someone to acknowledge, to me, that they were concerned about me?  Why did it take me actually making contact in order to get the contact back?  Why do I always have to be the one to initiate the contact in order to get the response?  There are several people that I typically have contact with, yet when I know that it's been awhile since I have heard from them because I haven't made contact, why can't they make the contact first, for a change?
  I have had more contact with the man from Milwaukee, he's the one that slept with me.  I gotta admit that we are working on a plan of get together again, over night, this time around.  We have to work around his work schedule and the fact that when he has a Sunday off, but has to spend it doing household chores and/or taking his mom to church. 
  The plan that I came up with; is to have him come to my place on Saturday evening, [Saturdays are a bit shorter than the weekdays, work wise] spend the night then he can still go home on Sunday and do whatever he has to do, on Sunday.  We both have found that we want to be with each other.  I just really wish that he had way more time to spend with me and not so much time at work.  The day that he spend a couple of hours with me,  he explained more as to why he job is more consuming than he wants it to be.  His long term plan is to not be there for more than 6 or 7 years and I think that he's more than half way there.

WHY??????

3/7/19 -- So, It's been several weeks since I have been in church and no one had bothered to check in on me, til I made the effort.  I gotta admit that I am quite irritated at the fact that I had to initiate the contact before anyone one acknowledged that they had been thinking about me.  I sent an email to the Pastor of the home church I was attending before they moved to a bigger town about an hour away from me.  They had become good friends, yet busy people.  She is a Opthmologist, and he is a Pastor and they are church planters.  Anyway, I sent an email to, briefly, let them know why I have been missing church.  It was a "short and sweet" email, cause I was and still am quite irritated that I had to actually to the contacting.  A couple of days later I actually did receive a response from him.  He admitted that him and his wife and been discussing the fact that they hadn't seen me in a while.
  The email let them know that the reason that I hadn't been to church in a long while, like a month or more, by now; is partly because of the weather and more because I haven't had the gas to get to church because I am down to one very part time job.  That was the extent of the email.  I was quite irritated at the fact that I had to send something to get something in return.  I actually thought that because I hadn't been around for awhile that someone would have somehow made contact with me, to find out what was going on.  Nope, no one has made contact with me, til I made contact!
  So, their email thanked me for letting them know and acknowledged that they just had discussed my not being around, and they were worried.  When in all actuality, that is what angers me because they didn't call, text, or email me to find out what was going on.  He said that he had just gotten  back from overseas and was preparing to head out again.  He said that they were planning a trip to Monroe, so then we could "hook" up then. By we, I mean his family and I.
   Here lately I have felt pretty much all alone.  I don't have a support system close to me, anymore.  Plus, I can't get to my support system, as regularly as I had been and as I need.  My Psychiatrist won't continue reducing my medication because my counselor is leaving and that means that I have to adjust to something or someone different.  I am feeling quite numb to things that I don't think I should be numb to.  

Weather....

2/24/19 -- It is so freaking windy, right now.  The weather service informed us that the wind was supposed to pick up. So, it definitely has been blowing like crazy.  One of my neighbors, is very obsessed about her bird-feeders.  Every time it's gonna be stormy and/or windy she has her hubby take the feeders down.  She is so concerned about them falling or being blown off the nails or hooks.  She brags about the fact that it's $50 worth of feeders, it's so irritating that she does that.  You don't have to spend lots of money or buy expensive bird feeders, to get the birds to come to your feeders.
   Something else that irritates me about her; is fact that every time she talking about people in the building that annoy her or us, she brings up that she and her hubby are the only ones that pay close to full rent.  I finally called her out on that and told her that she needs to stop!  She does it even to people that don't need to know anything like that.  I told her that it really isn't important to anyone that she tells.  Also, she doesn't know the situation behind everyone who doesn't pay full rent.  So, she needs to stop.  I just finally had enough and called her out on it.  I don't know if she realized what she has been doing that.  Now, hopefully she will be more careful when she is upset and talking about certain people who annoy us to no end.  Whenever she said it, it was almost as if she was either bragging or complaining.
  She gets annoyed because there are people in this building that take advantage of the system by not being honest with their income and such.

Counselor

2/21/19 -- I am feeling just a little bit upset because I recently found out that my current counselor is leaving the clinic that I go to.  She was offered a job at the clinic/hospital that is way closer to where she lives.  Due to the snow and ice that we received over the last month or so she decided it was better for her to take that position because if safety.
   Needless to say, I am not very happy with this prospect because now I won't have a counselor, to talk to when I need to.  I am hoping that I have an opportunity to see her before she leaves because she wants to talk to me about who would be the best fit for me.  I am at a place now that I don't necessarily need to see a counselor, nowhere near as much as I did when I first started.  Yet, I do need one, every once in a while, to help sort stuff out, even if I just communicate via my chart.
   I haven't been to church in quite awhile because if the weather and getting used to sleeping in a different bed, due to dog sitting.  I am pretty sure I am still adjusting to this bed because it is quite different than the one that is on my own bed.

Winter Won't Let Go......

2/20/19 -- So, I spent the night at the house that I am dog sitting at, even tho the daughter was still here.  She was due to leave around 2am, to get on a bus that would take her to the airport, where she would head on to meet up with her parents and sister.
   The weather was supposed to be iffy, this morning, so I decided that it would be better if I was already at the house when she leaves.  Also, given the routine that I have it would have been a really long time before Molly (the dog) would be let out and fed, so it just made all around sense, for me to just be here.
  I did hear the daughter leave, early this morning.  I was hoping that they would beat out the weather, before it came in, but it had started snowing at that time.  I did request for her to let me know that she got to meet her parents ok, cause I was just a bit concerned, the weather the way that it was supposed to me, even in the big city where she was to get to the airport.
  This weekend is supposed to snow again, yes again, then we are supposed to get more snow, next Tuesday.  Grrrr, I have about had enough with the snow.  This is February, we should be coming out of the snow; not still in the snow - oh well, what are we to do??  We live in the mid west and the winters have been weird, over the last couple of years.
  Also, I am really hoping that I can see my boyfriend, again this coming Friday.  However, I am not holding my breath.

Oh Brother

2/17/19 -- Again with the snow, lol.  I left my back window open in my car, last night.  I had it down as I was driving out to dog sit and subsequently forgot to roll it back up.  I noticed it this morning when I looked out the window to see just how much snow there really was.
  I spent the night at the house with the dog.  Makes better sense to do that, then to go back and for early and late.  I do still come home to my cats about 10am, then go back out between 3 and 4pm, on the weekends.  Of course, during the week, when I have to babysit, from 3-5pm then I go to the dog after babysitting.  The daughter of the couple that belong to the dog, spent all of last week there, but then finally decided to leave and get a break.  She leaves for Gulf Shores, Alabama on Wednesday to be with her parents and get a much needed break from the jewelry making and other things that she has been doing to sell at shows and such.  She is going to be gone a week or so.
  The other interesting thing that I actually missed was the craziness that a mom and daughter, cause pretty much every night.  These two girls, and I say girls because the mom is behaving just like her daughter.  This mom just lets her daughter run all over her.  I just don't understand how those two can have so much to argue about.  That mom just flat out needs to take charge and tell her 16 yr. old daughter that this is the way it is, and that's it!  However, she doesn't know how to establish authority with her, which is just ridiculous because the apt building pays for their rudeness, and inconsiderateness.

Me

2/16/19 -- So, this is the middle of February, already????
Why does it seem like time is just flying by?
   Yesterday, I had an encounter that I haven't had in, something like 20+ years.  There is this man, that I met on eHarmony 3 years ago.  He came to visit me and what happened next came so naturally and it was wonderful.  There is one issue that I have and that is: my belief is such that I shouldn't have sex before marriage, and yet, that is exactly what I just did.  I gotta admit that I don't even know how I feel about it.  That in and of itself bothers me.
   I have had a rough several years; so I don't know if that is why I seem to feel numb right now.  Truthfully, I should feel guilty as all get out, but at this moment in time, I don't.
  I also gotta admit that, it felt great to feel wanted by this man.  He actually took some available time, that he had, and stopped by my place, before going to his next meeting.  He didn't have to take that time, but he wanted to and did.  I just couldn't believe it, that he was actually in my place, after close to 3 years.

Winter

2/12/19 -- Another round of snow, yipeee!!!
Nothing like being snowed in, or plowed in or not able to do my job because I can get out of my parking space at 6am in the morning, to go to work.  With all the snow, the plows had it piled high enough next to my car and my neighbor's car that we weren't going anywhere without a shovel.  We had to move our cars cause they needed to be on the other side of the street.  A different neighbor, who lives in the back of our building, decided to park her vehicle in the front, instead of the back, and is extremely slow in moving her vehicle, if she moves it at all.  So, now she is very much plowed in.  The plows made like 3 passes and now the snow is about half way up her car door.  She is going to end up with quite an expensive ticket, and/or possibly her car towed cause she left it parked somewhere where she knew she would have to move it.  This woman is someone who gets on all our nerves.  And it's still snowing.
  I was supposed to start dog sitting over the weekend, however, the daughter spent the weekend due to a show, then she forgot her charger where she had the show, on Saturday.
The she spent a good chunk of the yesterday running errands that weren't in the plan, so she spent another night (her work bench is in her parents, shed)so then she didn't get as much work done, she decided to spend another night, with the plan to leave today around 4 or 5pm.  I texted her today to see how she was doing.  Well, she is kinda snowed in, at least at that point of the day, one of her uncles is supposed to plow out the driveway whenever they get off work.  One of them works at night, one works during the day, so whenever.  She also said that she wasn't sure about her ride to get back to New Glarus.  So, she decided to stay another night, but she said she really has to get back to New Glarus tomorrow.  So, I should be dog sitting tomorrow, for sure.  This family lives about 7 minutes west of monroe, which isn't very far from me.  I spend the night to make sure the dog has what she needs then I come home around mid-morning to spend sometime with my cats, then go babysit, then head back to the dog.  
  Oh well, such is a winter in the upper mid-west.

Life Sucks

1/10/19 -- Well, today is my little sister's birthday, should would have been 42 today. 😢  My younger sister texted me last night wondering if I was going to spend time with mom, today due to the 2nd birthday since our little sister passed away.  Honestly, I was trying to ignore the fact that today was her birthday, had been doing a decent job, til she texted me.  She said that she was thinking about it, and she got me thinking about it, but more like struggling to figure out what to do:  because I was already struggling, myself.
       Then this morning, I get a text from my mom, telling me that my little niece was admitted to the hospital due to possible appendicitis, so mom was telling me to pray for my niece and sister.  Of course, I am going to do that.
        I then, asked mom how she was doing.  She told me that she was sad, given what today represents.  I then asked mom if I could admit something to her.  When she told me that I could;  I told her that this is the first time that I really didn't want to go down to her, that I am struggling too and confused.  Mom, completely understood and is ok with me staying home.
         I also start dog sitting later this afternoon.  Technically was already supposed to have started but the daughter of the couple has been there and will be leaving later this afternoon.  She makes her own jewelry and had a couple shows, yesterday and she doesn't drive (due to past bad choices she made and the trouble she had gotten into because of those bad choices.) so she doesn't want to have people drive her back and forth from where she lives to her parents house any more than she has too.  So, she was trying to get as much work done as she could, while she was at her parents, her work bench is in her parents shed.  I have to spend the night at these people's house but I can come home and spend some time with my cats and do the babysitting that I have to do everyday from 3-5pm.  I will be doing this dog sitting job, for a whole month.  I have already gotten paid and to be honest, it wasn't too bad.  I kinda let the people decide how much to pay me because I haven't a clue what to charge for dog sitting and I usually get paid pretty good.  It's pretty helpful, in the bill paying dept.

BBRRRRRR cont...

1/3/19 -- I wasn't able to get into my car because there was a part of the lock mechanism that was froze, so I could only partially open the door.  Just enough to get my fingers in to try pulling but to no avail.  So, this in the afternoon, when I went to get in, the door opened like nothing had been wrong.  Then, of course, I couldn't start the car.  It just flat out doesn't like that deep, dangerous cold, any more that I do.  My neighbor was able to jump my car with his, so that we both could move our vehicles to the other side of the street.  Thursday was another day of my car not starting, due to the dangerous cold.  Another day of getting it jumped so I could go to the chiropractor.  I also decided to fill up the gas tank.  When i went to the chiro, I just let the car run, while I was inside, knowing that I wouldn't be in there for too long.  Now, on Friday, I waited til about 2pm to go out to start the car, just to be sure that it would start because I had to babysit.  Naturally, with it being warmer, it started without any issues.
  I am so glad that this deep freeze snap, is over with.  I totally and completely despise all extremes in temperature.  I don't like extreme cold of extreme heat and humidity.  Unfortunately, there isn't any place on this planet, where I could live an not have extremes in something.  I grew up in the midwest, so you would think that i would be used to it.  Well, I may be used to it, but I don't enjoy it, at all.
  Today, I was planning on going to church, however, since I have seen how foggy it is, outside, not a chance.  If I had to babysit, 10 minutes away, I would but to drive 40 minutes away, don't think so.  40 minutes is too long to worry about other drivers and whether they are going to be stupid or not.

BRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

1/31/19 -- These last couple of days have been very, very bone chilling cold⛄⛄.  
  Last week {from the 19th thru the 26th}I dog sat.  Whenever, I dog sit for this family, I have to spend the nights at their house.  I have to be able to let the dogs out before I go to bed, at night, then be there first thing in the morning to feed and let them out.  It seems their morning routine starts pretty early in the morning.  I totally enjoy spending time with these dogs.  It's actually quite nice to spend time with different animals, they are a complete different animal than cats.  
  While I was there, there was a pretty significant snow event, that left me snowed in, til afternoon.  I wasn't able to babysit, that day, as schools were closed that day, too.  Thankfully, the owners of the house, had arranged for someone to snow blow out the driveway.  I just had to let him now when the private road was plowed out.  The problem that I ran into was; I couldn't see the private road from the house and I didn't have my boots, to walk up to check.  I texted the man and asked that he come and check to see if the private drive was cleared; which he did which then he snow-blowed me out.
  We got quite a bit of snow that day, I would let the dogs outside, to do their "duty".  Whenever they were ready for me to let them back in:  There was one time I had let Fritz in (big schnauzer), I called for Doris (their mini schnauzer) and she came running/bounding thru the snow, the from the woods into the house.  It was so animated that I just had to video it and send it to their owners.  The woman said "poor baby" then said that she that she didn't want to ever come home.  You see, her and her family, went on a cruise, down in the Gulf of Mexico.
  The family got home on Sunday late, right in the middle of another snow storm, this one was worse than the one earlier in the week.  I was snowed in, in front of my apt, then on Monday, so no babysitting, again.  I was able to babysit, on Tuesday but then the "arctic vortex " decided to settle in the midwest.  Wednesday morning I was supposed to babysit but I couldn't get into my car, to try to get to work..... 

Once In A While Jobs

1/15/19 -- Well, I did send an email to my former employer, letting him know that I didn't appreciate how he let me go.  Letting him know that I should have had more notice so I could effect some changes in my routine and the why of the issues that i have been having in sleeping at night and functioning in the morning.  I was really hoping for a response and even a second chance but at the same time I wasn't expecting anything.  It is rather irritating but not a whole hell of a lot that I can do about it.  I do have a couple of dog sitting jobs coming up.  One dog sitting job starts this Saturday and stops next Sunday.  The other one starts sometime in February and will end at the end of February.  Yep, a month long dog sit job.
I went to have my hair trimmed up and inquired about the dog sitting job because I had seen on facebook that her and her husband were preparing to leave for a month.  Her husband has retired.  She was explaining that she had asked some relatives because she was concerned that she would have to pay me according to what she paid me last year when I did it for 10 days and with her husband retired they can't afford that.  I assured her that I don't expect that (yes it would be nice) but she paid me what she felt was good, last year, it wasn't what I asked for.  So, I told her she could pay me that for the month if that would make it easier.  I have to spend the night during that whole month to take care of their dog.  However, I can still come back to my place to take care of my cats since she really doesn't live that far from where I live.  I really like hanging out with Molly, their dog.  She's a cool dog, so laid back, but it's kinda nice to take care of a dog once in a while.
  The dog sitting job that starts this Saturday, is also a case of I do have to spend the night, at their house.  Their actually have a cool house, so I really don't mind.  These two dogs are really neat to hang out with, as well, so it's a nice change.  When I dog sit at this house, I get to park my car in their garage and sleep in the couple's bed, use their really nice bathroom and shower/tub.  They do live in the country, which makes staying at their house, like a vacation.  
    In actuality, this coming week, Monday, I won't even get back to my place til Tuesday mid morning.  I have to babysit, all day, on Monday {the little girls that I watch from 3-5pm}cause there is no school, on Monday. My usual routine is to spend the night, wake up, take care of dogs, drink coffee, eat breakfast, then about 10am ish I leave and come back to my place to take care of my cats, eat lunch, then about 2:30ish is head out to babysit, then do back to the dogs.  Of course, I make sure my cats have plenty of the food and water they need til the next day.

I don't Know

1/11/19 -- I have had way too many things go wrong for me over the last couple of weeks, but there is a resolution to at least one of the problems.  I have been on public assistance along with my working a part time job, but my paperwork from my now, former employer, didn't get received when he faxed the employer verification form.  So, then I had to text and email him to have him actually mail it to the address on the paperwork so everything could get reinstated.  I finally saw an email from public assistance letting me know that there was letters in my account for me to read.  So, I went there and discovered that all has been reinstated, thank the Lord.  I did have to ask my mom for some assistance for the food and at least one bill.  I wasn't expecting to get anything for the food end of things til next month, but they did drop something in so that was quite helpful.  The rest of the money for food that mom gave me, is going into my bank account to help with other bills.
  However, I am still jobless, for the most part, I do have a babysitting job that pretty much only provides gas money and maybe s a few small things.  I really don't count it for much cause it really wouldn't make a difference.  However, I am gonna have to make it count because I don't really want to make a change in the rent side of things, I want to pay something for rent.  I know that doesn't really make much sense but I do, I didn't like not paying anything during the time frame that they were letting me go rent free.  I don't like that at all.

GRRRR.....

1/6/19 -- I am not very happy with myself right now.  I don't like that I allowed someone to get into trouble because I had such a difficult time getting my ass in gear, in the mornings that I was supposed to be on time, if not early!  I do not understand why I have such a difficult time sleeping, at night, then my mornings are so very difficult in staying awake.  I have been struggling with being a bit down, hear lately, as well.  I have been putting on a good face, but in all actuality I am not feeling what I show (try to show) when people see me. 
      I absolutely despise that I have I lost an income that was very helpful to me, frankly I had given up looking for anything else.  Now I have to start looking again but maybe I will looking for something that starts a bit later in the day, like about mid-morning til 2pm because I do still have the babysitting job that I have to be at the house, no later than 3pm.
  Now I am at a loss as to what to do next.

Tired

1/5/19 -- Here it is 2019 and I lost one of my babysitting jobs due to my extremely difficult time in getting to their place, on time, therefore making her late getting to her job.  My problem with their method is they didn't warn me a month ahead of time.  The other thing is, I know that I haven't been sleeping very well, therefore I have had extremely difficult mornings.  I have also struggled with my headache returning and now, I recently discovered that my medicaid was cancelled with no warning.  I never received an email from the medicaid dept. letting me know there a problem with paperwork, or anything.  So, I get on my online account to check on things and that is when i discovered that everything has been cancelled.  I tried checking it out yesterday, but their site was down.  The reason I was checking is because Jonathon had asked me about the paperwork on Thursday, when I was there.
  I know that I just got done rambling about 2 different things, sorry about that.
  Here lately I have been struggling a lot with sleeping well, at night.  I get to sleep ok, but I don't think I sleep all that well when i am asleep.  Then my mornings end up consisting of napping and even falling asleep at my desk.