Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Update on Yesterday

2/25/15 -- Just before I finally got up and got out of the apt to run my errands, I had decided to do that after lunch, a migraine started coming on.  So, after eating lunch I had laid down, on my love-seat, but then decided I had better get up and do my thing before the migraine completely gets to a point where I end up in the ER.  So, I go up of my butt, got dressed and went to Farm & Fleet, Beast Buffet, and the Clinic Pharmacy and made it back home.  I took the immitrex and laid down for a nap, after which I took another immitrex but the migraine didn't back off til closer to bed time.  Very much a bummer because I was planning on going to an exercise class at the church lead by the Youth Pastor's wife, couldn't because of this stupid migraine!
  I was able to get the things I needed tho, so I took care of the kitty litter and litter genie, and the cat food, oh and the medication pick up.  The only thing that I haven't been able to do is vacuum because I need bags for my vacuum.  I also need some refills for my duster and my swiffer thingy.  Oh, and to top it all off, I am not working again today.  This is totally not a good thing.  I totally fail to see the good that is going to come out of this but God knows the big picture and what he's doing so all I can do is trust Him.  I did ask my mom to help me out.  I know that she doesn't mind helping me out, she has told me countless times that she doesn't mind.  I just wish I didn't have to ask her, I wish I had another way of bringing in money so there was a back up income.  The secondary way I was thinking isn't going to work because it really isn't worth my drive when it's a 45 minutes away from where I live.
  Boy, I tell you this is one tough testing period that I have been going thru this last year or more.  However, I know that when this is all over my son and I will have a wonderful relationship along with his family and my granddaughters.  My home is in Christ and I trust that he is working in my son and his wife and for whatever reason He wanted the delay.
   I have been doing my best to not let this be the center of my life, I think that I have been doing pretty good.  There are somethings that I have been seeing and hearing that has been showing me that my problems aren't the worst in the world and I really should not be focusing so much on my own.  That is easier said than done but I have been trying after the weekend that I have had.  Plus, I have a lot of encouragement from different people so I know that the relationship between my son and I will be reconciled.
   There are good things that are happening it is just that to me the strained relationship between my son and I seems to overshadow all the good stuff.  That just isn't the way that it should be.  It also doesn't help that this winter, like every winter, it is pretty much always cloudy which doesn't help the mood much at all.  I will make it and I know it, I have come so far and I can stick out til the reconciliation. :)


Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Interesting Weekend

2/24/15 -- Wow, last night I was soo tired that I couldn't do anything that I knew that I needed to do, after getting home from work.  So, after eating supper I ended up not doing anything just laying around and watching TV then I went to bed at my normal time, as if I was going to get up to go to work the next day.  Altho, I don't have to work today, which seriously sucks and really hurts the budget, really difficult to have or set a budget when when I am not working 5 days a week.  I still really haven't figured out what if anything I should do it bring in any supplemental income. So, anyway I just keep plugging along and praying and relying on God is all I can do.
   Please let me remind you that I am not preaching, I am just saying what works for me and encouraging you to do the same.  Of course I would like for you to come to believe in Jesus Christ as well, however I will not shove it down your throat because that is not my style.  If you are interested tho in knowing more my email is attached to this blog, just email me and we can discuss further, if you would like.  Jesus Christ has been my saving Grace thru all of this long long dark path that I have come from since last July.  Yes, I have had a small amount of friends but they have been put there by God for the encouragement and prayer.  I want everyone who reads my blog to understand that I do respect who or whatever you believe in and that I am encouraging you to turn to whatever you believe in to help you thru the difficult time you are going thru.  Or, turn to the family and friends that you have to help you out.  Like it or not we need someone to help us thru the difficult times and to rejoice with us in the good times.
  Over the weekend I started volunteering for the Christian Suicide Prevention association Friday and Saturday nights from 11pm - 1am.  Those hours are really short but in a way long because I am not used to being at those hours anymore.  My cats got me up earlier than I wanted to be up, of course!  Sunday morning tho, I slept the 8hrs but was still tired, so after church, so after eating lunch and baking some fish I took a nap.  By the end of the Sunday night, after spending some wonderful time with the Youth Pastor's children til after 10pm I was tired, came home and went right to bed. 
  Today I have some cat oriented errands to run, cat food, litter, and a litter genie cartridge to pick up. Oh and I have to pick up a medication from the clinic pharmacy. So, I will actually get out of the apt today instead of being apt bound as I usually tend to do.  I really don't like the extreme cold that the area that I live in has been dipped into but oh well what can I do? It's not like I can up and move. This weather is just part of living in the Midwest but my sister in-law and her husband recently moved to the east coast and they are getting the same type of weather but that part of the country isn't accustom to getting this kind of weather.  Now she is being teased about bringing it with her. Haha.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Plugging along

2/20/15 -- Well, today is a day off.  I don't like these 4 day weeks, at all!  It does make it difficult to plan a budget and to make sure that it is possible that the rent gets paid.  It doesn't help that this is February and it is a shorter month.  Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I am working, doing something that I totally enjoy but this not working full weeks is tough come to rent time.  I wish there was something else I could be doing that could bring in a side income that would be a supplemental income to help me out when things are tight with my boss.  I don't know what that could be; the one thing I was thinking was giving plasma:  however when I found out that it only gives $20 to $30 each time, doesn't really make it worth it for me to drive to Janesville and back on a regular basis.  If I lived closer or in Janesville then absolutely but not so much now.  There has to be something else that I can do to help myself out.
      I was successful in persuading my doctor to let me stopping my blood pressure medication so test if it is the cause of this dry, scratchy throat that causes irritating, annoying cough that I have been enduring for quite a long time.  The blood pressure medication has to side effects that I don't like, one of which I am taking a medication to combat the conflagration.  One side effect is the aggravation of acid reflux and the other is dry cough.  So, I take a med for the acid reflux but the coughing is an extreme annoyance!  Anyway, my doctor gave me permission to stop taking the blood pressure medication for 3 weeks to test the theory that it is the cause of the coughing. So, the less medication  I am taking the better, YES!  The stupid coughing has succeeded in causing the migraine to overpower the Topamax and take me out of the game and that isn't good on the weekends.
    No news on the rejection front.  I believe my son and family went on vacation, to the Dells, for the week.  Makes me jealous!  I haven't been able to go on a vacation for a long time. The whole time I was laid off would have been a perfect time to go somewhere but it takes money to do that and money is something that I never have enough of to keep rent and bills paid let alone go on vacation!  I have been doing pretty good not dwelling on the "pile of crap" cause there really isn't anything that I can do about it anyway, it doesn't do me any good.  That doesn't mean that it's not on my mind, I just am not dwelling on it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Still Learning

2/17/15 -- There is something else that I have learned about myself that was a real hard lesson.  When I was married my husband was very controlling  and mistrusting.  I am positive that the mistrust that he had of people was passed on to me because I didn't trust others at all.  It took hitting the extreme bottom for me to trust the people that God put around me, I had no choice because there was no way I could have recovered from this,  all by myself.  I most definitely needed the people that were and still are around me.  
  Yes, I do believe that the people that around me are there because God designed it to be that way, He knew what I would need and when.   I am so very thankful that those people that are my friends are very trust worthy because I have needed every one of them.  Not only that but somehow or other I have been able to discern who to trust and who not to trust.  (by God's Grace)  Thankfully I have chosen people have been very supportive and have been prayerful.  I have been doing by best to keep my best to keep everyone up to date on the progress so they can pray specifically, and to certain of them vent where it's appropriate. 
   I have also discovered that some ugliness can come out of me, maybe not super duper ugly, but to me it is ugly.  I don't always like the ugliness that comes out, even tho it is understandable, I still don't like it.  I end up apologizing for what I've said and asking for forgiveness.   This has been one heck of a long learning curve and not an easy one either.  However, I wouldn't trade because I have learned that sometimes we have to go thru tough things in order to strengthen our character or learn something new about ourselves or others.  The reason I say others because there are always others that are watching how we respond to the tough times we are going thru.
   Yes, God allows to thru stuff most of the time it is because he wants to get to something within us that needs changed or adjusted, but sometimes it could be for the benefit of others.  You never know, either way it is our job to do well with the trial or test to get thru it without totally losing it altogether.  We should depend on God and the people around us for support and prayer to get us thru. If you don't believe in God then rely on whatever you rely on to get you thru, but God is who I rely on and He get me thru every time.  I don't always like the process but His timing is better in the end.

Monday, February 16, 2015

What a Weekend

2/16/15 -- Well, today I decided to bring my own laptop to work with me because the way that Windows 8 works is very annoying when it comes to the math book answer key.  It seems like the downloading of stuff is like another application rather than giving me the ability to looking at the answer key and the book at the same time, that is extremely irritating!  My boss's laptop has Windows 8 and it isn't compatible with anything including the school's computers which is a joke and a pain in the butt!  So, mine is a mac which is compatible with everything as far as emails and such so I am going to use my from now on, it will make things so much easier and quite possible save him on postage.
   I had a very lousy weekend!  The migraine pretty much took over,  yesterday.  I was able to get some errands done on Saturday.  The errands included paying bills and grocery shopping at a store that I don't particularly like shopping at, but since I had to pick up stuff their anyway I decided to "kill two birds with one stone" since it was so stinking cold!  By the time I was all done my left ankle was so sore, I had an injection into it on Thursday it was still tender from that.  That is a long story, sometime I will explain it.   Then of course I slept like crap and woke up with an intense migraine that was overpowering the Topamax, which is suppose to be a migraine preventer   Yet, the only real thing I got accomplished was the laundry and that was towards the end of the day, like right before going to bed is when that came out of the dryer got folded: that was largely due to the fact that my cat Bear had been laying in the basket of "out of the dryer towels".
    I have had quite a journey since last July.  This journey has shown me a lot about myself, some of which I haven't liked.  One thing that I have noticed is that I do respond out of emotion a lot before I know first what is going on, especially where my son is concerned.  That just can't be because I have to be stronger than that so that not every little thing doesn't bring on a torrent of negativity that isn't necessary.  I also have discovered that I have some fear towards my son and I don't know why, it shouldn't be that way.  I can think of one reason; that is the way he spoke to me way back right before the wedding ceremony 2 years ago.  I am not sure if that is the only reason why I feel fearful towards my son.  It is strange to feel that way.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

New Development #2

2/15/15 -- Well, I hope you all had a great Valentine's Day, for those of you who have spouses or girl or boyfriends.  For me it was just another day, as I have no one who thinks me special enough to give me anything for valentine's day.  Even when I was married my husband wasn't the romantic at all!  Not only that I had many errands to run and it was very COLD!!!!   I had someone steal my debit card number and make some online purchases, a couple of weeks ago, thankfully my credit union caught it and put a stop to and cancelled my card plus there was a watch company that called me to check a purchase and when I said not to authorizing the purchase, she reimbursed my account cause my card had been cancelled that morning.  I had to order and new card and wait two weeks for a new one which here, however it has dawned on me that I don't have any protection on this laptop so I won't be making any online purchases or paying bills til I can have norton downloaded onto this laptop.  I didn't have this problem on my other laptop cause I had norton on it. Duh!
   Well, there was an interesting development this last week. I may have mentioned in the last blog that a meeting between my son and I and a neutral mediator was tentatively scheduled for this past week.  There was a possibly one to happen on Monday but that fell thru.  So, I waited and waited and waited but nothing followed til Thursday.  On Thursday I received and email from the Pastor that I wasn't happy about, at all!  It basically said that my son wasn't ready, that he wants to get this resolved but the Pastor sensed some reservation and possibly some fear.  Now, in my anxiousness and emotion I was angry and aggravated and irritated and overly emotional.  I responded to the Pastor's email with somethings that probably weren't really nice.  When he responded I seriously had to send an apology email.
To top everything off, the Pastor is on vacation for two weeks, which means this won't get resolved for another 3-4 weeks.  I say that because there was an indication that he might have to meat with my son a couple times before my son would be ready to meet with me.
Talk about an emotional roller coaster!  I have lost so much sleep during this last week and now this migraine is very intense this morning, so I didn't go to church this morning.
I know that this reconciliation isn't going to happen unless my son is ready and willing so ultimately there is no rushing it.  I know that God has a reason for the delay of this reconciliation and I just have to continue to trust in Him.  I just have no choice!
  I gotta say that this has been one heck of a roller coaster ride of emotion.  I have never been on such a ride in my entire life!  My divorce wasn't as bad as this as become!  Even the chasm that is between my middle sister and I doesn't bother me like this!  The reason for that is; my sister and I have never really had a relationship.  Even as we were growing up we weren't all that close, we are as different as night and day and were pretty much at each other's throats.  Needless to say, my parents didn't do too much to help us create a relationship either.  I think we fought a lot like they did when we were growing up.
So, I don't know if Cheryl and I can have a relationship now, Cheryl has such a personality that I don't know if she would be willing to cooperate with anyone who would want to try to institute or facilitate a mediated meeting.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

New Development

2/7/15 -- I do apologize for not posting anything for a week, it is harder to do it during the week when I am working.  Now that I have my own laptop, I don't like using my boss's laptop and working on it from his place.
   I had a very overwhelming development on Wednesday. I had sent an email to the Pastor to find out from him what was going on with the my son and him. The last contact I had with him, he had a wrong number, and he was planning on doing a home visit to see about setting up meeting.  He responded right away telling me that they had a successful meeting and my son is willing to meet with me.
  I can't even begin to explain everything that I was feeling the moment I read that email.  When I read that email I was overwhelmed with a combination of many feelings. One feeling was relief, then fear, anger, and many, many others.  I ended up trembling at the end of the email because of the all the emotions I have and no way to release them.  The Pastor wanted to make sure that I would take responsibility for my part of the problem as they would. I responded with yes, again.  I requested that I be allowed to have a silent person with me for moral support.  I was so shaken and such a bundle of emotion all day and night on Wednesday that by the time AWANA was done, and my friend L was waiting beside me I just broke.  I literally broke down and cried and she let me cry on her shoulder.
    After getting all that emotion released I am feeling much better and can function and not dwell and think about all this stuff too much.  I have to not dwell and not think about all this because I would get wound up way too tight and I wouldn't be able to properly function.  I have so many people praying for me and this situation and even my son and family, and for me that is and has be oh so extremely important to me.  The prayer has been the only way that I have been able to get thru this mess.
   I have to honest, I still don't know if I am completely ready for this meeting.  I am kind of afraid of seeing my son for the first time since the day before Christmas, and my baby Granddaughter's birthday.  I have been doing pretty good tho because I haven't descended into the pit of depression.  I have been reaching out to my support people and expressing my needs for prayer and to my friends L and M and doing my crying and such which has been extremely helpful.  On the day of the initial email, I sent an email to my counsellor which really helped me to release my bundle of emotions as I really didn't have any other way to release them because I was working.  

Monday, February 2, 2015

Enjoying Life

2/2/15 -- We had quite the snow storm yesterday, not the worst ever but enough to keep my boss from driving home from his girl friend's house, who lives an hour and a half away.  It was snowing and blowing something fierce, gusts of wind up to like 30mph.  No church at either location, out of town or the local church.  That actually made it easier because I was't going to go because I have limited amount of gas and money and need to reserve what I have right now.  So, no work today cause my boss isn't home yet but when he texted me said that he would let me know about Tuesday when he got home today.
  When I got paid on Friday tho, I am totally short!  I had to pay rent and send off a tax payment but I don't have much money for gas or food.  I can make do with what I have for a little while but that isn't going to last long.  The only thing that I am going to try to do is believe that God will provide what I need to get thru this week and provide jobs for my boss to work which in turn will allow for me to work.
     Well, I guess having off today will allow me to get of my a@& and do some cleaning.  I am actually going to have to leave my TV off and put my iTunes on and clean.  When I have the TV on it is too stickin easy to get distracted and end up watching it, so leave off the "idiot box" and turn on some music which will allow for me to clean.  I will have to move my car again, but oh well.  I do need to get my apartment clean, it has been awhile since I have truly cleaned my apartment.  It isn't filthy dirty or anything but I haven't given it a total clean up in a while.  I need to do that, there is an apartment inspection coming up so that is a reason that I need to do that.  I have an oven and a fridge that I have been procrastinating about cleaning; both of which I don't like to spend a lot of time cleaning but they need it.
   There was one commercial that I saw that I immediately thought of my son.  It was the trailer for Fast and Furious 7.  It is the last in the series because Paul Walker - one of the co-stars was killed in an accident like 2 years ago, during the filming of this movie.  This movie doesn't look like it will disappoint in the way of action.  I think one of Paul's brother's filled in to finish the movie.  My son and I both really like these movies but I haven't seen the 6th in this series so I want to watch that one.  You know I would love to see this movie with my son, when it is released this spring/summer.  I doubt that will ever happen, tho.