Lesson Learned

12/31/17 --  I do believe I have learned a very interesting lesson, very recently.  

  Sometimes it is an extremely good thing when you CANNOT  cross your beliefs.  Over the last several months, I have in a relationship with a man that I had initially met on a matching website, he was the second man that I met.  Anyway,  I have this very strong belief that one shouldn't have sex before marriage.  Mind you, this is an overall statement, but for me it is quite personal.  I have believed this for quite a long time.  While I have been with this man, I have really been trying to overcome my beliefs, to give him what he wants, which is sex.  To be brutally honest, I have wanted it too but I haven't been able to cross those beliefs.  

  I am quite thankful that I haven't been able to do that.  I fully realize that I really don't want cross my beliefs.  The problem is this man does have some emotional attachment, I think, to me.  He expressed his feelings to me, last night, before he left to go back home.  I have been thinking about what he said along with the message that was spoken, at church, this morning.

  I really need to figure out how to put an end to this, gracefully.  Have been feeling like I could be stringing this man along, without even wanting to trying to.

Again...

12/23/17 -- So, I got a call to start at the printing company, again this week.  I got the gallon Monday and I started on Tuesday.  I got a total of three days at the company, because the company is closed on Friday. Next week, I will get four days because they are closed on Monday which is Christmas day.  Which is fine, because I do get a break from getting up too early, I don't have to babysit.  The grandpa is off as is the little girl from school.  I will most likely still go into work at the same time, just so I don't have to get up as early.
  The couple that I talked about, in a earlier post, has calmed down, to a point.
The drama seems to have come to an end and I have a much better picture of what is really going on there, then I did.  It seems that the man is the cause of a lot of the drama because he says one thing, do another.  Or, he starts but doesn't finish completely.  Then he is the one that complains when he is the one that really isn't helping.
  However, they have a neighbor, that lives behind them, that is causing more drama.  She is totally trying to but their help.  This kind of person, I don't get.

DRAMA........

12/18/17 -- Ok, so there is a couple that live in the same building as I do, they claim to no like DRAMA, but....boy do they ever bring the DRAMA to my doorstep!!!!  Holy Cow, it's ridiculous the arguing they have been doing.  The woman is clinically depressed and he is bi-polar, however her depression is affecting him in a non-healthy way and she just is so blind to seeing this and I don't know how to help her see.  
  This woman has withheld any form of physical love from her husband. She has not only stopped wanting sex from him but she has stopped kissing, hugging, and all forms of showing love and affection to her husband.  He feels more like a slave being expecting to completely maintain the apt. all by himself while she does nothing.  [OK, now I get the whole, not feeling like doing anything, part.  I went thru a period of time when I didn't want to maintain the cleanliness of my apt.  All I could manage was keeping the kitchen clean because I had to cook.] However, when her children are with them, she NEEDS to step up and do more than her share, after all they are her children.
  Then there is the fact that I get two different stories from them.  When he comes to talk, he refrains from telling me the parts where he is playing video games, as to why he doesn't accomplish what he says he's gonna do.  Then she comes down and tells me what he was doing.  Then she always comes back to something her therapist has said about her husband, which seriously irritates me to no end.  I seriously don't know how to help them.  All I have been able to do is just listen, seriously these two are drama king/queen in this building.

SCAM!!!!!

12/15/17 --  I recently experienced a scam, that ALMOST cost me money that was given to me by my mom/from my little sister's "estate".
  Someone who I truly thought way my Aunt contacted me via Facebook messenger.  "She" told me that the she had recently acquired 50k thru a "US AID" attorney.  "She gave me a cell number to text to get the information.  I did and this exchange went on for a couple of days.  Anyway, I sent money via western union to someone on Florida, then was told to move it to Michigan.  So, I was texting and messaging and getting very frustrated.  That should have been my umpteenth clue that this was a scam, but I was still trusting that this was my aunt.  Anyway, my last trip to a Check into Cash store that also does Western Union wiring, he was the first and only person that asked me some pertinent questions because he could tell this could be a scam/fraud.  When I answered his question and told him the truth, cause I was told to "lie" about it.
  Thankfully, this man was trained very well, by Western Union, on how to spot a scam/fraud and he was able to get my money back.  This is the umpteenth time that I have been scammed/attempted frauded.  This scam was more elaborate than I have ever seen or experienced.  The man at the check into cash told me to get ahold of my Aunt to see what really is going on, cause he said that someone most likely hacked into to copied her facebook page and tried this same thing with others on her friends list.  I did get my Aunt's number from my mom and actually called her only to find out that one of her son's had already contacted her to tell her that she had been hacked and fixed her facebook so that couldn't happen again.  She was grateful but not as grateful as I am for getting my money back.  
  The whole scam was send money to get money, which should have been my first clue that something wasn't right.  Oh....well...a very wise and well trained western union agent caught the fraud and helped me to get my money back.  Now, I will be able to get the new tires on my car, that that money is earmarked for.
  So, be on the lookout for scams thru facebook and any other social media! It is pretty pathetic that there are people out there that seek out others in order to steel money from them!

Sorry, It's Been Too Long......

12/15/17 -- So, it has been kinda crazy, the last couple of weeks.  I know that it's been such a long time since my last posting.
  For two weeks I had been working the babysitting job and at a printing company, in their mailroom - sorting; in between the babysitting job.  The baby-sitting job is really early morning then til 5:45pm in the evening.  Which always gives me enough time to eat then prepare for bed.  I go to be early so I can get up early.
  However, the early part of this week, I had two late nights, which then makes me tired early in the morning when I gotta drive about 15 min. east to babysit.  Not a real good idea to drive and struggle to stay awake.  Thankfully, I was able to take naps when I needed to but I still had to get to bed early by the third night rolled around, cause I was just dragging.  The second night, I had to play "counselor" to a couple upstairs/across the hall from me; cause neither one of them are handling depression very well.
  The woman of the couple is clinically/severely depressed, the man of the couple is bipolar - anyway she really is struggling and he just can't seem to handle watching her struggle.  He takes pretty much everything to heart whenever there is an argument but they argue over the dumbest things when she is in this state.  Plus, her behavior is affecting him and she refuses to see it as it is.  Also, they have managed to get sucked into another marital relationship - which is the couple that is directly above me and across the hall from them.  That couple most likely shouldn't have even bothered to get married.  
  I gotta say, I feel like I have been drug into a soap opera that I just don't want any part of.  Thankfully, this is something that I have come far enough from that I don't have any problems trying to help them.  I just irritated when she can't seem to follow thru on something that she said she is going to do.  I do understand what she is going thru, even tho the circumstances are different.  Thankfully, over the last couple of days I have been left alone, by them.  I am still concerned about the two of them, but I am ok, when they can leave me alone, and work thru their own problems without involving me.
  Now I am not not working at the printing company, just babysitting.  I am ok with that because I know that i will get called back to that mailroom, they seem to like how fast I helped them get caught up.  I wasn't the only one to get them caught up, there was another woman that help, as well.

All at Once

12/2/17 -- So, this is December 2nd and I am wondering where this whole year has gone.
  A week ago, I ended up with 3 jobs all at once.  One was a childcare job that is a total of 4 hrs a day.  I get to a home by 6am and stay with an 8yr old making sure that she is ready for school, to which I take her.  Then I had gotten a cleaning job, just a one day thing, cleaning floors before the holiday, plus a sorting job back at a printing company that I worked for several months ago.
  I finally was able to start at the printing company this past Tuesday, by the time the drug screen was completed and finally getting in touch with the person at the staffing agency I was working thru.  The great thing about this job is it's working within the hours that I am doing the childcare job.
  The childcare job is only monday thru thursday, which is nice.  I am very glad that I am finally working.  My microsoft class is all done, however, I really want to be able to take another, one like the intermediate excel.

Post Thanksgiving

11/26/17 -- So, As much as I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my "blood" family, that didn't work out (as per usual, here lately) but I didn't spend it completely alone.  The actual day I was alone, but I knew that I was going to have a "Thanksgiving" dinner the next day, with a bunch of friends, so I was good.  I even made a couple of things to take that I had never made before.  One was a sweet potato cheesecake, which was pretty yummy, especially when you add the caramel sauce and the chopped almonds.  The second thing was a homemade green bean casserole.  That was pretty yummy, even though it wasn't as thick as it should have been. 
  The smoked turkey was super yummy, to me the skin is the best part.  Anyway, I am not a huge fan of turkey but when it's smoked and super juicy then it is really good.  The dinner also consisted of the sweet potato casserole, stuffing, greens, broccoli salad, and broccoli and rice casserole.  Everything was super yummy.
  I do finally have a job, actually two jobs.
I have a childcare job that is a total of 4 hours a day, 4 days a week; the other job is sort of full time back at a printing company, in my town.  They finally called me back but it's only for a few weeks and they are willing to work within the hours of the childcare job, which is pretty nice. 
  This childcare job seemed to be the right time for the grandparents, they are taking care of their granddaughter.  Apparently the former babysitter was one that smoked inside, didn't control the other 3 children she was supposed to be taking care of, and she did a lot of yelling.  All of this was taking on toll on the 8 yr old between getting sick because of the smoke to the lack of sleep, and just not doing well, in school, it just wasn't a good situation for the little girl. Then there was the stress of worrying about their granddaughter, while at work, so that bad situation was taking a toll on the grandparents.  When I started this past Monday, both grandparents had a good day at work, because they knew their granddaughter was safe.  Their little granddaughter, is so adorable.
  What I do is go to their place just before 6am, stay with the little girl til 7:30am and take her to school, then I go back at 3:00pm and picker her up from school, take her home, and stay there til her grandma comes home from work.  It is those hours in between thatI will work at the printing company's mail room.
  I am so very thankful for the two jobs, even tho one of them is only a couple weeks-ish. 
  There has been some movement in the situation between my son and I.  I was able to send my little granddaughter a birthday card and he said that he was ok with me spending time with the girls and baking with them but he hasn't asked his questions so there hasn't been anymore movement in that area.  I wish he would hurry up and ask his question so we could move on, but I can't rush him.

A Spark of Hope.....

11/17/17 -- Well, Tuesday night I received a call from a staffing agency asking if I was still looking for work?  I told them yes and she told me that the Printing Company that I had worked for several months ago, is needing some help for 3-4 weeks.  I told her that i would definitely take the job, 3-4 or weeks or longer, I don't care, I need a job. Anyway, she said that she would have to call the supervisor of the mailroom to let him know that I could start as early as the next day but realistically, on Monday.  She told me that she would get back to be by 5pm if she got ahold of the supervisor, otherwise the next morning.  
  As of this morning, I haven't heard a peep, for the staffing agency.  If I haven't heard anything by the end of the day, today, I have plans on calling or message the family that has been my substitute "grandfamily", and see about going to their house and helping out the mom for awhile.  I know that I will be kept quite busy with their family.  I am just so tired of sitting in my apartment, I need to get out an help someone else.  
   That call had given me hope, but that hope is dwindling, a little each day that goes by.
  There is this couple that is across the hall and upstairs from me, and boy, oh boy, are they a mess.  By that, I mean, these two have brought quite the baggage into their marriage of only one year.  She is battle depression due the the custody issues of her boys, with her ex-husband and various other issues going on in her life.  Then there is her husband, who has been many ex-girl friends and has to be the most "messed-up" man that I have ever met. {emotionally}
  This man is bi-polar which means that he suffers depression along with his wife, yet it is different.  He has been deeply affected by the way he was raised and the way he has been treated by passed girlfriends. {what a mess}  Somehow, I have become their personal counselors and their marriage counselor.  Thankfully, this isn't as overwhelming and depressing and the household that I had worked in for about a year.
   The woman calls me "ma" because, apparently, I seem like a mom to her.  Her mom lives 3 hours away, and I just help them out with common sense things.  The trust me and I guess I have shown myself to be a good friend.  Her husband did me a huge favor by doing a brake job on the front end of my car.  However, I still need calipers, which I just have to purchase, and him and his dad can put them one.  There is also the tiny issue of needing tires, two of them, on the front.
  Being friends with these two has been quite interesting.  They have been quite dependent on his parents which seems to by a quite unhealthy alliance.  His parents are quite a mess, as well.  

30 Days

This is the the 30 days of Gratitude that the Women's Bible Study that I have been attending, has decided to do as a group.

This is probably one of the most different 30 days of challenges that I have seen.  We are 15 days into this challenge, one thing that is a challenge is remembering to post it on the Facebook newsfeed with the hashtag.  There are times that I have forgotten to get on Facebook, so then the next day I will double or triple post.

There is one thing that I have to say that I am thankful for:  on my way to the Bible study earlier this morning, I had gotten stuck behind a truck hauling a farm implement, and as a result, I got to actually see a bald eagle, for the very first time, with my own eyes!  It was absolutely awesome to see that great bird.

SHOULDERS

11/15/17 -- This video reminds me that if we let Him, God will take our burdens.  He lets me know that I don't have to walk thru this life, alone.  He walks with me as I walk out my life.  I have to always remember that He wants me to come to Him with everything, yes, everything.  He even cares about the little things.  

Hummm Drumm

11/12/17 -- This morning just feels like another humdrum day.  There are parts of me that just would rather not even leave the house but at the same time I have to cause I would go stir crazy if I didn't leave once in a while.
  There is a huge part of me that is glad that i am not working, yet I need to be doing something because there is only so much cleaning can be done in my apartment.
Yet, if something doesn't come of these two job interviews that I had, then I know what I will be doing.  I will be going to Beloit, which is another city about a half and hour to 45 minutes from where I live, to help out a family that has 8 little ones.  I just can't handle sitting and doing nothing anymore.
  There are three men that have taken an interest in me.  The neighbor across that hall, of which I had to get him to back off, he was getting too handsy, which was quite irritating to me.  There is a man out of Chicago, which a big city in the state of Illinois; that city is about 2 1/2 hours away and I seriously had to put the brakes on with him, too.  This man is still very interested in see me, which puzzles me.  The reason being is that he seemed on focused on the one thing that I am not ready to give.  He texted me yesterday saying that he really missed me.  Needless to say I am quite surprised.  Then there is a man that contacted me thru Instagram.  The interesting thing with the man from instagram is that he is currently in Algeria.  He is a transplanted German that is working for an construction company that offered him a job building dams in Algeria, or so he tells me.  Supposedly he is there a couple more months.  Then, "the other shoe dropped" he got in a bind and asked me for money!  At that point I strongly felt that he was scamming me, which wouldn't be the first time.  Yet, he was quite insulted that I even thought that of him.  We have continued talking which is surprising.  Regardless, I don't have money to give him, despite what he seems to think.  I have convinced him that i don't have it and even if I did I wouldn't be able to give any to him because I typically live paycheck to paycheck so no extra for him, period.  The point is; I don't completely trust him due to messaging, altho we have actually spoke on the phone using google hangouts, which is pretty cool.  
  I have to admit that his voice sounds quite sexy to me.  He has a voice and accent that I could listen to for hours on end.  Needless to say, I really haven't figured him out, all the way, yet.

Getting Tired

11/11/17 - I had two more interviews this past week.  My mom asked me what my thoughts were after the first interview; yet I couldn't tell her because I just am so discouraged with the whole process.  So far, every interview that I have had hasn't panned out, which has been discouraging and irritating.  So, I am not even looking forward to getting either one of the jobs.  However I have prayed that i would get the job in Janesville. 
   

This is about what I feel.  I will say that I enjoy taking the class that I taking, over the last couple of months.

Feeling Discouraged

11/9/17 -- So, as of right now I am feeling quite discouraged!  I dislike/hate being unemployed and I don't understand what the deal is.  I have been to numerous interviews only to not get another interview or any form of call back.
  On the one hand I don't mind not leaving my apartment because I kinda am a homebody but at the same time I need to work in order to support myself and I do enjoy some socialization, meaning I do like being around people, at least for a period of time.  There is only so much housecleaning I can do.  With only one person living in my apartment it doesn't get very dirty.
  There has been progress where my son is concerned.  First, I was able to send my little granddaughter a birthday card because my daughter in-law gave me their address.  I had initially sent a message via Facebook messenger, to my son requesting their address to send a card but never got a response, so then I decided to try texting my daughter in-law and to my surprise she gave me their address.  Then a day or two later, after my granddaughter's birthday, she sent me a picture of my adorable granddaughter handing a cashier the money I had included in the card, to pay for a puzzle that she wanted.
She didn't have to do that but I am quite thankful that she did because it showed me that she received the card and made sure that my granddaughter got it, too.  She also mentioned that she hopes the her husband (my son) will let me meet my little granddaughter, soon, because she's pretty great.
  That gave me the idea and the courage to ask my son if he would let me spend time with my granddaughters and bake with them.  It took him a day to respond but he said that he wouldn't have a problem with that but that he thinks that some things need taken care of.  He then asked if he could ask some questions.  I told him that it was fine to ask the questions.  Now, I haven't seen any questions, yet.  So, I am patiently/impatiently waiting for the questions to come.  The time of year is the time that I want to bake and I really want to do some baking with my granddaughters so I am really hoping and praying that he responds so and responsibly.  Meaning, I don't want to rehash anything!  I really want to just move on from the crap!  This has been along time ago and, as far as I am concerned, we just need to move on and work on being a family.

Dream

10/30/17 -- So, last night I had this dream - a rather strange dream considering I haven't seen a movie with this person in it, in a very long time.
  I was in an apartment with a certain male actor, who (apparently) was my boyfriend.  This man who was living across the hall, is in a wheelchair, had let himself into my apartment.  I had been in the shower, or something, my boyfriend (actor), was in another place in the apartment.  When I had come out of the shower, this neighbor was in my bedroom, in his wheelchair, naked!!!!  I was so appalled that I yelled and told him to GET OUT!!! and that we were DONE!!!!  I think the done meant that we weren't going to be friends anymore.  My "boyfriend" came running in and found the man and ordered him to put his clothes back on and escorted him out!! Then he found me all balled up on the floor, upset, and shocked.  He was very understanding and caring and comforted me.
  When I woke up from the dream, I just thought it was the strangest dream.  I believe that there is something to this dream, but I haven't quite figured out what that is.  
 I will say that my neighbor across the hall has asked me to "go out with him" which I don't have a problem with; however this man does have issues with keeping his hands to himself.  Meaning, that everytime he sees me he is constantly trying to put his hands everywhere where I DON'T want him to put them.  It seems that he just isn't happy with just putting his hand into mine and just hold my hand.  I am pretty much telling him to STOP! Also, telling him that he doesn't have to do that, that it's not showing love by putting his hands everywhere that I don't want it.

VERY INTERESTING

10/22/17 -- Well, let me just tell you that last weeks was a very interesting week.  Last Monday I started working for a small cleaning business.  I went into it thinking it would be something I could do, til something else came along.  Yet, I didn't even make it through the first week.  By Wednesday I was having second thoughts about taking the job.
  I have never had a job where I felt like "crap" emotionally by the third day.  The girls that I was working with did a real good job of making me feel like crap, for even taking the job.  When we were at the end of our shift on Wednesday, the two girls had said they may not come in the next day.  Wednesday had got like crap when we showed up at what we thought would be the last job of the day.  The owner/boss had met us there and proceeded to join us inside and telling us all the things that we had to do.  For the girls, it was redoing things that they had already done the prior week.  The time there was pretty miserable and somewhere along the way the boss must have told the girls that I knew what I was doing. Anyway, we finally left there by 2:30pm, but the boss was still there using the shampooer on the carpets.  It was on the way back to the boss's house to unload the car and get into ours that the driver said that she just may call in the next day.  She was pretty pissed off because of the things that the boss had been saying and telling us to do for two hours.  
  When I got home, I was exhausted and not in the greatest of moods.  I was really hoping and praying that those two girls wouldn't leave me "high and dry".  When I got to the bosses house on Thursday, I wasn't in the greatest of moods, but the girls were there.
I have to admit I was doing my best to hold back years.  When we arrived at the 3rd job I was really struggling, then I whacked my left hand on a drawer handle, that I was wiping down, and that brought on the tears.  It hurt so bad I just couldn't hold them back.  Finally it quit hurting and I was able to gain my composure.  We got to the fourth job and I was really struggling to maintain.  One of the girls must have noticed that I was upset, so she spoke to the other girl who then called the boss to see if I could be done early and the girls would go to the last job, in a neighboring town.  When she came down and told me what had been ok'd, I was relieved.
  I got home and went right into the shower, and had myself a good cry.  I had pretty much decided to quit, even tho that was the first time I had ever not made thru the first full week or that I had never quit so early in a job.  I then thought that I would sleep on it and see how I felt the next day.  Needless to say, I didn't feel any different come Friday morning.  So, I text the boss then called him and told him that I quit.  Of course, he was blindsided but I couldn't do anything about it.

Still Unexpected.....

10/10/17 -- So, this man that entered my life is someone who really seems to want to be around me, whats me with him.  He doesn't want me for what he can get from me but for who I am.  I has already told me that he loves me and I have to admit that I have responded in kind.  I have added tho that I think I love him too, but then I will just say it in response to him.  What is interesting is that the feelings that I have when he tells that he loves me.  He is gentle, kind and honest.  He has a little dog names Cher, that dog is about the same size as my Bear cat.  She gets jealous whenever we are together in his apartment.
  Today, he was here and my cats were behaving like they were jealous, too.  Strange.

Something Unexpected.....

10/9/17 -- There was something unexpected that happened this past Saturday.  I was on my way back into my apt. when I noticed that the man across the hall, was on his deck, so I asked if he had gotten his windows cleaned yet?  To which, he responded with no.  I told him that I would do it for him a little bit later, that day.
  I go over there just after noon and washed his windows.  While I was in his bedroom, washing those windows, he asked me a couple of rather direct question.  If I was single, and if I would go out with him?  Needless to say, I was taken completely by surprise!

PROCESS.......

10/7/17 -- The process of going thru my little sister's old apt took a little longer than it should have.  The electric company turn off the her electricity instead of the apt across the hall from hers.  Mom and I went over, yesterday to clean, finally.  Thankfully, it really didn't take all that long.  Mom and I then went to lunch but mom's hip was just giving her such pain that we didn't stay that long.  We went back to her place and and I helped her unload her vehicle and go into the house.
  She had a break down, as we were leaving the apt for the final time.  I was thinking about that at the same time.  That is the last time I will be going over there, for some reason it just doesn't seem that real. I have been having my moments of tears, as well.  So, we get into the mom's house and before I have put all my stuff down, mom is handing me a check.  Mom, is in the process of closing down my little sister's bank account; the check was a shared portion of what was left in the account, my middle sister also gets a check of the same amount. Mom said that she knew that my little sister would want her so split it between us. At that point, mom started crying.  The amount that is left is going to be used for any bills from her apt. and for paying off, her practically new cell phone.  Then mom will just turn it in to the cell store she bought it from because she has no use for two phones.
  The headache that I had been dealing with for two years, as returned!  I hate having to deal with this stupid headache!  When I took a shower, yesterday, I just stood under the shower with cooler water running and that seems to have helped, somewhat.  It really sucks that my insurance won't pay for for the 360 nerve block!  That little procedure really helped to break up the cycle of pain and it beats taking medications to deal with the pain! Zero side effects, but NOOOO!!! my insurance company looks at it as experimental, which is a bunch of crap!!!!!
  Anyway, I had gone quite a long while with a headache but I have this thing; where I have a delayed reaction to stress....meaning as the stress is relieving(decreasing)is when I get the headache due to stress.  So, here lately I have been dealing with this headache.  The bad thing is, as before it doesn't go completely away, but this it is affecting my eyes in a way that keeps me from being on the computer for too long of a time.  That makes it difficult because I have to do homework for my computer class.  Oh well, I have been managing by just taking a break every now and then.
  To top it all off, my stomach has been giving me issues.  Food doesn't seem to want to digest completely, as it should then I get acid reflux, when I go to bed.  I decided to get the acid reflux medication renewed from my dr. and give my stomach a break, but I am going to get a more natural supplement to help with that acid reflux crap, because I just don't want to take the medication for too long.
  Oh, and I still don't have a job!!!  All of the stuff are the ingredients for depression, however, I have not even been going "there". Thankfully, I have a good support system and I have been more concerned with making sure that my mom is doing ok.  I don't want her to go from grieving to depression, so I check on her quite often.  Thankfully, she has a cell phone that checking on her is pretty easy.  Plus, I am still going down to help her go thru stuff, so I am seeing her quite frequently.

A Weird Like.....

9/22/17 -- Over the last several months I have been watching a tv show, on the Travel channel, called Ghost Adventures.  This show has become intriguing to me because they investigate something that I am curious about given my beliefs.  The way the lead investigator investigates different places is very interesting.
  The man actually does interviews with the people who are affected by the different "hauntings" that they have experienced in the places they live or work.
  Some of these episodes are real compelling as to the validity of what they are looking for.  I have never had doubts about the spirit world, so to see these men able to document on camera and on audio is very intriguing to me.

Long Week

9/22/17 -- This has been a long week - between working thru the loss of my little sister and still not having a job.  I have been checking in with my mom on a daily basis because I really believe she feels this more than my middle sister and myself.  My mom is the one who spent quite a long time taking care of my little sister.  Now, she has quite an adjustment to make, however next week I believe is going to be the most difficult.  We are going to be converging at my little sister's apartment to begin the process of cleaning it out.  My younger sister suggested that mom not go back over there alone, and needless to say, I have to agree.
  My little sister has quite a few things in her place that now needs to cleared out of there.  There are things that I am going to come home with, mom will be taking home with her, and my younger sister will be taking home with her.  Yet, there will be things that we will be distributing to other places because none of us will either have the room or the use for it.  As I sit here and type this out, as I think about it, tears have come to my eyes.  I am not looking forward to walking into that apartment knowing that she isn't there and never will be again.  My younger sister has never been to that apartment, so no telling how she will react.
  Two of my extended family members have been able to stick around the area this whole week which has been nice.  My mom's sister and brother in-law and my cousin all decided to stay a week.  My Aunt and Uncle have been spending the week in my mom's basement getting somethings organized that belong to my dad.  I do believe that my Aunt's decision to remain here, til this morning, has done more than "lighten the load" for my mom.  It has meant way more that mom can even convey to have one of her sisters stay here.
  It was nice to be able to spend some time with my cousin, while she has been here.  She had intended on leaving on Wednesday, but her husband suggested that she stay the rest of the week:  come to find out he was taking the opportunity to do some retiling of their upstairs bathroom and had gotten called into work one of the days so he was behind.  She is leaving early tomorrow morning.  She has been staying with my younger sister this whole time.

My cat

                                                     

The top photo is of my pretty Penni laying on my text book, for class.  She just can seem to leave me alone when I am at my desk, so I have to find away to work around her being in the way.

The second photo is ms Penni curled up on my desk because she just has to be close to me, at least for the first half hour or so, in the morning, after I have gotten out of bed.

She is quite the pistol of a cat.

It's Over

9/18/17 -- Well, the Celebration of Life service is over!!!
I have to admit that I am so very glad it's over.  It was so very nice to see the family that drove up and over here to see us and to support us, but the service itself is over, for that I am glad.  3 of my dad's sister came up, then they went to see him.  2 of my mom's sisters and 1 brother came up and it was wonderful to see all of them.  Oh, and one cousin also made the drive.  Our cousin is staying with my younger sister the others stayed in a motel/hotel. My dad's 3 sisters left yesterday morning and one sister, and brother of my mom's left yesterday morning, as well.  One sister and brother in-law came and they are still here.  My son and daughter in-law also came.  It was so wonderful to see them, yet I received a "icy" reception, sort of, from them.  My son, sort of, hugged and I made sure the my daughter in-law knew that I was very glad they came.
  There was so many other people that were there that I hadn't seen in a very, very long time.  It was great to see them even tho the circumstances weren't ideal.
  The "sermon" was absolutely wonderful and I definitely saw a difference in my son, after the service.  He did stick around during the meal after, but he didn't eat, that I noticed.  He was more receptive to me after the service than before.  He hugged me better and spoke to me better, as well.  I was able to get more info on the deal with school.  It is full time but I do believe that Leesa is picking up the slack by doing more photo sessions, since she is a photographer that isn't too difficult.

Can't Wait.......

9/14/17 -- I have to admit that I can't wait til this Celebration of Life service is over and done with.  I have  bee dealing with a headache that just won't completely go away.  There are times I just feel dizzy, and just don't want to deal with this crap anymore.
  However, I have all for of my treats made and in a container.  I made two of them yesterday, and two today, cause I knew that I didn't want to do them all in one day.  Tomorrow I will be in my hometown helping my mom and other sister go thru and choose pictures that mom wants to put on a poster board or two.  I have one other project that I have yet to complete, and that is transforming a shoe box into a card receiver.  I have a shoe box that I need to decorate/cover so that is looks a lot better than it does now.
  I got so frustrated with the skill in the book that I was working on, for school that I gave up, and completed it in class.  However, I was satisfied just leaving it uncompleted own computer, so I tackled it and finally figured it out.  I was making it way more difficult than it needed to be.  I deleted that page that I started and started over and boom! got it done.  Then I went ahead and completed the other lesson with, no where near the hassle, I had with the other lesson.
  It feels so good when I can figure out what I am doing wrong and fix it.  Sometimes it is just so simple as starting all over.  Also, it didn't take as long as it did while I was following step by step, in other words, while I was learning.  The thing is; I have tried doing it with the last laptop I had but I didn't know the names of the processes and I had a harder time figuring things out.
  My mental status is pretty good.  My Psychiatrist wouldn't even consider reducing my meds anymore, til this grieving passes and I get a job.  The thing is, I haven't had a job for three months, and this is so extremely annoying.

Dealing with Death

9/12/17 -- So, my little sister died on Labor Day, last monday.  This coming Saturday we are having a Celebration of Life Service, commemorate her life.  It made better sense to me to have a Celebration of Life service rather than a Memorial Service because my sister wouldn't want us to NOT CRY, not only that but I know that there will be people there that will tell us how or what my sister did to effect their lives.
  I don't know that I am ready to hear all the different things from the different people.  I don't like being in a state of tears for an extended period of time, but oh well, such is life for this upcoming day.
  I am in the mood to bake so coming up, Thursday, I will be baking up a bunch of cookies and bars.  I have chosen 4 different types of sweets to make.  I guess my sister other younger sister is making other types of food, cause that's what she does, she can cook in mass quantities whereas I can bake in may quantity much better.  I love to cook and bake but baking is my most favorite.  Mom asked me if I would bring some flavored water, which I will do, plus some frozen pink
lemonade.
  I have to admit that I am more concerned about my mom, making sure that she adjusts ok and is able to do the things around the house that need done, especially concerning all the thing that she is still grappling with as a result of dad being in a nursing home.  I want to make sure she knows that she has plenty to keep her busy and plenty of people that still love her, just don't need as much of her time as my little sister occupied.
  I have no doubt that my mom will be able to move on, she knows that she is loved and has plenty of people to talk to, yet I just want to be sure.

Death has Come

9/5/17 -- Well, death has come to my little sister, yesterday.  She just stopped breathing as the CNAs were cleaning her up.  Mom is there, she has just backed up out of the aids way.  Just over a week after being released from the hospital for the last time.
  Also, I realized last night, that she died 1 year and 3 days after my friend died from cancer. I just don't know how to feel.  
Thankfully, I do know that she is in heaven with our Lord, dancing and doing flips and all things that she couldn't do here on earth.
  I was too upset to drive to the Nursing home, mom didn't want me to drive. Besides the fact that there wasn't anything that I could do.  She was being cleaned up and stuff will be packed up that belonged to Darla.  Two of my nieces and a long time family friend met my mom at the nursing home. One of my nieces drove her home with the other one leading the pack on the way home.  I took a shower then met mom at the house.  We now have to plan the memorial service.  I was able to make some arrangements as to the possible location.  There is a church, in Freeport, that I have attended, that I spoke to the Pastor, and was able to get his ok to have the Memorial service at that Church.
  We don't want to have to pay anything or not much to have the service.

Time

9/4/17 -- There are times when "time" sucks........



My little sister is gone...She passed away
This morning  😭
But...she is whole and doing all the things that she could never do, here on this earth, in Heaven.

Death coming

9/1/17 --  Surgery was a success, I guess, as because I haven't done the same motions that started and enflamed the nerves.
  Yesterday, I went and visited my sister, my mom was already there.  My sisters had 5 seizures while were there  These seizures are scary for me, as I had never witnessed her having seizures before.  She has had them when she was little, til she was given medication to control them.  Mom and I both know that these seizures are a result of toxins are building up in her body, due to her kidneys failing.  I can't even begin to explain how this makes me feel.  I have zero words to explain how this makes me.  Watching a family member die, really sucks; at the same time watching my mom, watch my little sister die just makes this all the more difficult.
  I am still dealing with thoughts of crawling into a hole to escape this craziness!  Yet, I know that really won't do me any good.  I never expected to have to deal with death in my family, so close to me.  It is one thing to deal with the death with Grandparents but not with my sister or anyone this close to me.
It's one thing to experience "loss" in the sense of being shut out of my son's life but something completely different when the loss is real, death.
I am very thankful that I have people that I can reach out to, so that I don't sink into a place that I don't want to go, ever again! 
  I am having trouble with describing what I feel.
The ironic thing is that one other family that I know is also experiencing the decline of a family member.  The mom of a friend is dying due to colon cancer.  

Death

8/31/17 -- Death, I have to admit that I never thought that I would have to be dealing with death in my immediate family; yet here I am having deal with death in my immediate family.  My immediate family being my little sister.  I have to be honest here - I want to just go crawl into a hole, I just don't want to deal with this, at all.  I know that crawling into a hole isn't an option, tho.  My mom needs me, needs both of her other daughters, to get thru this.
  I tell you, I don't know what's more difficult - watching my mom watch my sister die or me watching her die.  This is just flat out difficult!  I don't like death but I do know that my little sister is going to be in heaven.
  I have started my Microsoft Office class, I gotta say, having a Mac and working on a WORD program is a bit of a challenge but not impossible, it does mean a few extra steps but oh well, all the more of a learning curve.

Seasons

8/18/17 -- I have to admit that this season in my life is difficult, not impossible, but difficult.  Being without a job is a pain in my butt!  I am really wanting a job, but I ......
  

I love my Bear, he is such a fuzz ball, soft and cuddly.  He spoiled rotten but I don't care.

Adaptation

 

8/16/17 -- This plant is a Coleus, and boy is it ever beautiful!  The leaves are a light, bright shade of green, with a shade of red in the middle of the leaves.  Out of all the plants that I have had growing, that Coleus just thrives every year.  I think that next spring I will grow two pots of it be cause they are beautiful.

I think I have done pretty good, not being able to use my left arm.  I ended up making a trip to the Dr.'s office, yesterday because the area right at the top of the incision was extremely irritating!  It was burning to the point that I was wondering if something was wrong.  When I get there, the nurse unwrapped my whole arm and the incisions both look good.  I did get a chance to look at them, and the do look good, not infected or anything.  The nurse then rewrapped my arm but this time she went about an inch or two above the elbow incision which made a huge difference.  I know that the rest of the irritating things that I am dealing with has to do with the healing process {of the incisions} and the location.  The location of the incision by the elbow is on the inside of my arm which is one of the most tenderest areas of the arm.

I am still hoping and praying for a job, after i have recovered from this.  I haven't heard from two of the places that i interviewed at.

Still adjusting

8/12/17 -- Yes, I am still having so much fun, adjusting to using only my right hand.  Plus, having to sit and rest my left arm on a pillow to keep it elevated.  
  A friend stopped by to wash my hair and scoop my kitty litter.  It felt so good to have my hair washed.  My next challenge is to figure out to clean the rest of me up. I can't exactly take a shower, so not sure what to do, yet.
  

There is a light blue piece of material around the strap by my neck because it was rubbing and causing a sore.
  I have pretty much stayed in my pjs just to keep things easy but I am hoping to go to church tomorrow so I need to figure out what to wear that will easy to put on and easy to work with all day long, til I get back home.
  Well, need to sit back and put my arm on a pillow to elevate it.

In A Sling

8/11/17 -- Here I go, typing this one handed.  My left arm is wrapped up just above my elbow all the way to my hand, then in a sling.  This makes my life pretty interesting given that I am left handed.  My right hand does get tired so of course I have to rest it every now and then.  I gotta say, there are a few things that are difficult to do with one hand but not impossible.  Thankfully I prepared some meals ahead  of time so all I have to do is warm them up.  Also, knowing the keyboard helps out a lot.
  Unfortunately, I can't drive because I can't even pull the car door shut let alone open it.  So, going anywhere alone, is not possible unless I walk.  I didn't sleep very well, Wednesday night but last night was a little better.  Wednesday night, I stayed with some friends and the bed was firmer than I am used to, but mostly cause my arm was just achy.  Also, I just had a very hard time getting comfortable.  I do have pain pills which i am taking but the one incision is on the inside of my elbow which then leans against my body.....
   

Children

The handsome young twin boys are members of my second favorite family.  I thoroughly enjoy spending time with them, I completely love little ones but these babies are almost top of the list.  Their family are my substitute grandchildren, since mine grandchildren are far away in more ways than one.

Twin girls holding their twin baby brothers such an adorable sight. Yes, I have know these little ladies since they were born.  They get excited every time they see me and they want to come home with me, for a little while of course.

The older bothers sitting with their baby twin brothers, what an adorable picture.  The two older boys also get quite excited with they see me, you see, I have known them since they were born, as well.

These two young ladies are the oldest of the eight.  The one on the left is second oldest, which then leaves the one on the right to be the oldest.  They are quite the pair and do a wonderful job helping their parents out with their younger siblings.  They love seeing me too, often when I am going to be at their house, I am the surprise.  Their parents don't tell them I am coming so then they are totally surprised and excited.

To me this family is quite special and I completely enjoy spending time with them.  They do make a good substitute for my family, however, spending time with them doesn't erase just how much I miss my own grandchildren, not to mention, my son and his wife.

Yet, these children do give me a lot of joy to be around.

Not Sure

8/5/17 -- I had mentioned that my little sister is in a skilled care facility about a half an hour from my mom.
  I am conflicted as to the quickness of the release of my sister.  She had been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks and when mom got the call that they had found a place and that she was being sent there, that day, (being yesterday).  I was more than shocked because I feel like it's just too soon to release her to anywhere.  She has been dealing with a stomach ache of sorts and they hadn't been able to figure out why.  They thought is was because of a injection that she had been receiving in the stomach but they switched that to the arm, so the injection isn't the issue.  So, what is?  The Drs released her without really knowing what the cause of her stomach ache is.  That really bothers me, yet mom says they did all they could, so they had no choice but to release her.  Also, I am not totally convinced that she is well enough to be released, but I guess since I am not a dr. so who am I to decide whether she is well enough or not? Hmmmmm
   There has been some very difficult times in the last couple of weeks.  I have been dealing with some sadness, to the point of not really caring whether my apartment is clean or not.  I sent my accountability partner an email and my Counselor a myChart email to let them both that I have been struggling.  I much rather utilize my resources of prayer and encouragement then to let myself get way too down.  Thankfully, my prayer partner responded with an encouragement email; letting me know that she would be praying for me, as well.
 My Counselor's office responded letting me know that she wasn't in the office but they would forward to the on call psychologist. The on-call psychologist responded with much encouragement, too.  For some reason, that was the "shot in the arm" that I needed.  I don't get it but when someone reminds you that you are stronger than you think and to utilize the tools that I have, I will be fine; is so encouraging.
  I know that God knows exactly what I am going thru/dealing with, so He knows what I need.  I just need to stay in the zone of God and not allow my mind to sink to that low point, ever!
  I gotta say being broke and living on my own is something that I enjoy.  I really much rather be working, at the same time, I wish I had a stash of money somewhere that I wouldn't have to work, therefore not in close to desperate need of money to take care of bills.  Alas, money stashed somewhere is a "pipe dream" of mine, there really isn't any and I have to work.

Oh Boy

8/5/17 -- Well, my youngest sister is, most likely, at her new place for recovery.  The learning hospital that she has spent the last 2 weeks, found a skilled care facility that accepted her, with no issues.  The place is an half an hour, give or take 5 minutes from our mom, and an hour, give or take.  I am glad that there are no more trips to Madison, just sitting in a hospital, next to my sister's bed, not doing anything was getting on my nerves, just a little.  Nothing against my sister but it is a fact.
  Today, I had an interview at a car dealership about 40 minutes from where I live.  It was for a part time receptionist position, that I had applied for.  It sounds a lot like something I can do and there is room for me to grow and maybe even advance.  It is a career change but I am completely ok with that.  I want a career change and I am working on taking classes towards that end.
  I have spent the afternoon, preparing meals for me to eat next week.  I have one more left, and that is chicken noodle soup.  I know that is a winter or fall meal, but for me it is comfort food.  Plus, it is something that will be easy for me to warm up, to eat with one hand.  Not to mention, I make my chicken noodle soup completely from scratch, including the noodles, which means it will be super yummy and healthy.
   I am really hoping that the people that have said they will help me take a computer class, are willing to help me with the first one. I went to the college that I live right across from and filled out an application; after which the secretary said that I need to fill out a different application plus pay right then and there.  I told her then that I had someone else that was going to help me out by paying for it.  Then I had her right down the cost of the class and the book, so that I could drop off the note to the people.
  I really want to take the classes on Microsoft word, and excel so that I can be better prepared for the jobs that I really want.

Such is Life

7/30/17 -- Accompanied my mom to the hospital, visit my little sister, yesterday.  She is doing better than when I saw her on Tuesday.  That is such a good thing.  She does have her spunk back, that is always good.
  I am scheduled to have carpal tunnel and cubital tunnel release surgery, on the 9th of August.  I then had to find someone that would take me to the hospital and take me home; that I have found.  There is one person that I emailed, but she is already booked, so I found someone else.  Mom is say that she could if I really needed her too but I really didn't want to do that because she has a lot on her plate.  At this point, we don't know where my little sister will be because it looks like she will be there another couple of days but I am really hoping that she will not have to be released too early.  Evidently, "medically ready" and really being ready aren't the same thing, where she is concerned, most likely others too.
Also, the social service woman is looking into 2 other nursing facilities, one that is about half way between us and her, but a small town off the the east of us.   The other place they are looking into, is a place that is in the same town that I live in, which will take some of the pressure off mom.  My middle sister is just on the outer edge of the town that I live in, which means that her and I could visit my little sister (if she were to be placed in this nursing home) and mom wouldn't have to come up as often.
  I gotta say that I am not overly looking forward to this surgery cause it's on my dominate hand, I am left handed and that is the hand and elbow that have to be operated on.  Evidently, I will be in a sling for two weeks, after the surgery. I won't be able to move my arm for that long.  That is going to complicate my life just a smudge. Ok maybe more than just a smidge, ha.

Here We Go Again

7/26/17 -- My youngest sister is back in the Hospital!  She had been released last Thursday, and sent home, due to the fact that no nursing facility within the range that mom gave the Social Worker, to look, would take her.  So anyway, mom and the CNAs were doing pretty good taking care of my sister, including spending the night.  However, late Sunday night (mom had spent the night) and was waking her up every couple of hours to see if she would eat, and drink a little something.  According to mom, around midnight mom went to wake up my sister, and she couldn't wake her up and she was have a very difficult time breathing.  At that point, mom called the EMTs and they took her to the ER, in my home town.  Then by 5am she was on her way to the same hospital that she had spent 3 weeks in.
  Her kidneys seem to be functioning ok enough that dialysis isn't needed, at this point.  Their other concern is avoiding putting the breathing tube back in her, so she is on a bipap machine, that she needs all the time, at this point.  They are watching her kidneys, as well.  Mom and I spent all day, yesterday, in the hospital visiting my sister, by the time we got home I wasn't going to Bible study.
  My sister pretty much slept the whole time we were there.  My middle sister showed up in the latter part of the afternoon, to take her shift.  I couldn't go today cause I had an appointment, I have one tomorrow, and another for my car, on Friday, so I won't be able to see my sister til, Saturday.  Mom ended up not going cause her vehicle was not behaving very nicely.  She has to have the muffler replaced.  I am having a brake job and tune up done on my car, on Friday.  Today's appointment was for Occupational Therapy, and tomorrow is a Dr. Appointment following up the appointment from two weeks ago.  To see what is to happen, as far as, my wrist.  
  Oh, and I am still without a job, which is quite annoying, bothersome, and whatever other word you want to attach to it.

Still Learning

7/21/17 -- There are still so many things that I am still learning about myself, since the worst time in my life.
Even tho I have pretty much conquered the "worst time in my life", there is still the potential for me to fall back into it.  That is something that I have been fighting against; yet its not too difficult because I have the ways to combat that.
  I have been dealing with this company who claims that it's real and legit but yet there is some info that it's been requesting that I know darn well it doesn't need to have access to, to accomplish an automatic deposit.  The man and I have bickered over this info for the last two days and I finally won, I think.  The question is, "am I really still "employed" with this company.  They had initially sent me a check to be deposited but my bank wouldn't deposit it because they believe that it's a fake check and a scam.  That much I don't blame them, at all.  I have my doubts especially after them asking for info that I know darn well they don't need in order to do an automatic deposit. 
  I have taken precautions to protect what little money that I so that if they "deposit" and try to "withdraw" they will only be taking what is theirs, no mine.
  All of this run around is annoying and I just want t work, yet supposedly this money is not only my paycheck but it's money to purchase equipment so I can be on the same machines and such along with the rest of the company.  So, I just don't know.  This is the first time that I just can't quite make heads or tail of this.  The last couple of times, someone tried to take advantage of me, it was quite easy and plain to see, this one not so much.

My Little Sister

7/20/17 -- Well, my little sister gets to come home today!
None of the skilled care facilities would accept her, which I think is totally stupid, but oh well. She is actually going back to her apartment.  Everything is all set up for her to go home - a lift was delivered on Tuesday, and her CNAs will be there to help her and mom is the fill in.  I think that my sister will recover just fine at home.
  Yesterday, I spent the day with my second favorite family. I got some very special twin baby boys time.  I got to hold each boy for extended periods of time.  I got home by 7:30ish, and I had a bunch of fun.  I am looking forward to being able to see and spend time with them and spending the night.

Not Sure

7/18/17 -- I gotta say that I have this "job" and I am not quite sure, yet, just how legitimate that it is.  By that I mean, how real it is.  This job is strictly online and conversing with my supervisor strictly via email or google hangouts, is rather different.  On the surface, this looks like a job that I really want and would like because I get to work from home, which isn't a bad thing especially when it comes to winter time.  On the other hand, this just sounds, sort of, not real.  First I get a check that my bank won't cash cause to them it doesn't look real, which i don't blame them, cause I sort of have my doubts, too.  Which means I don't know quite to do about this.  We have come to a compromise, in that he's is sending out a a form to fill out for auto deposit, but I am still going to play it smart and make sure what little money that i have isn't anywhere near that account.  That way when anything happens either deposit or an attempt at a withdrawal, they would only be taking their money, not mine.  This way I am safe.
  I am so thankful that my sister is out of the woods, with how sick she was.  She is medically ok'd to leave the hospital, so it's just a matter of finding a skilled care facility that will allow her to stay with them a while, til she gets her strength back enough to move back home.  There is the possibility that she could go home from the hospital because, all the skilled care facilities have turned them down, as far as taking my sister in, no real reasons given.  I think that they are afraid of DJ and the care she would need.  With the Nephrostomy tubes have to be flushed a couple times a day, that may be the issue.  Mom doesn't want to travel any farther than Lena, so who knows, she may have do choice but to go home.  We still haven't heard as to whether will take her in or not.

Here we go.......

7/13/17 -- So, this afternoon, I made a quick trip to the Orthopedic dr. for a recheck on my left wrist and elbow.  We are pretty sure there will be surgery on my left hand but we decided to wait another 2 weeks to see if the occupational therapy would do any more to avoid the surgery on my elbow too.
  Any way, I was weighed and after coming home and checking out some other records, I have discovered that I have lost 15lbs! I am so thankful and I plan on keeping up the progress.  With my sister being in a major learning hospital, about an hour, away from me, gave mom and I the need to walk quite a ways just to get to the correct elevator that lead to my sister's room.  It felt like we walked several miles every time we went to visit her.  Now, she is in a regular room, out of TLC (UW Madison's version of  ICU) which is such an awesome thing.  She was recently taken off thickened liquids and I know that she is so very grateful because those nectar thickened liquids aren't very tasty.  Plus, because of her kidneys they have restricted her salt intake so her food also tastes bland.  However, she is on fluid restrictions which means the milkshake that my other sister is taking up to her can only be a very small one.
  I recently started a job that I just can't believe I have.  It is strictly a online job, unless I want to move to Australia, which (honestly) doesn't sound like a bad idea, haha.  The person that hired me is living in Rhode Island.  The company seems to be legitimate due to the fact that there hasn't been one request for money from me, and the tasks that have been given to me, so far, have been along the line of real.  I am still kinda leary but have positive hopes and feelings about it.  The are paying me for the training, one amount, and after the training the amount goes up.  I pray and hope that this is the job that I have really wanted for a long time. For a change, it sounds possible that I will finally be able to make the kind of money that I have wanted without leaving my apartment.  All the while taking a computer class to get better at what I need to know about Microsoft Word, Excel, spreadsheets, power point and such like that.

I Strongly Despise This.......

7/10/17 -- I have been informed that my sister is not going to need dialysis, apparently the drs all feel that her numbers are fine, that her kidneys are processing the toxins fine.  Praise God!!!  They are even looking at moving her out of the TLC unit and into a regular room.  I am so thankful, grateful, that she is improving so quickly now that she is out of the critical stage.  It sure took a long time to get things under control.
  Now I just have to conquer this joblessness.