Perspective

5/28/18 -- Yesterday, as I was preparing to go to church, a thought just popped into my head regarding death.  There is a animated movie that my son pretty much grew up watching; in one of the scenes, the young lion is sad and kind of mopey, laying in the grass.  Then he sees a vision of his dad in the clouds, that reminds him he "lives" in him.  For some reason, the preverbal light bulb, just dawned on me.  You see, I have been quite sad, sadder than I expected, concerning the passing of my dad.  The thought popped into my head that even tho the physical presence of my dad, has moved on, my dad really isn't completely dead.  After all, I am my dad's daughter as is my younger sister; then there is my son, who looks like my dad, not to mention, he looks like his dad too.  All of which isn't a bad thing.  My son and I reconciled which does allow me to see my granddaughters and to get to know my daughter in-law.  I guess what I am saying is  - we have a part of our family members that pass away, within us.  So, in a way, they aren't completely dead and gone.
  You see, there may be physical attributes or mannerisms that we have that will either remind others of that family member or remind ourselves of that family member.  Heck there are things that my mom said to me growing up, that I found myself saying to my son, when he was growing up.  The funny thing is; as I am saying something to my son, I am also hearing my mom say the say thing, in my head.  By the way, my mom is still living.

Sorry About this.........

4/24/18 -- I have been off the blogging thing for awhile.  I have really be having some difficult times, here lately.  I haven't really wanted to do much "writing".
  I think that I have finally gotten to a place where I can start expressing myself, again.  I apologize for not blogging during this process, but I just didn't have the words to type or express.  I haven't really written in my diary either, as even just literally writing stuff down.
  I am so thrilled to be able to text my son directly rather than thru facebook, and I am able to see my granddaughters.  I can't wait til I can go up there, and spend some time with my granddaughters, (of course my daughter in-law)as soon as it works out.
Here's the thing,I am also trying to not get my hopes up too high, so that I am not all that disappointed.  I have to find a happy medium of being excited and not too....

Answer to Prayer

4/15/18 -- This past Saturday was the Memorial Service for my dad.  The was the first time that there was so many family members was actually in my hometown.  All but one of my mom's siblings, came up, including 2 spouses.  All of my dad's living siblings came up, including one spouse.  It was wonderful to see everyone.  All of my nieces and nephews were there and so was my son.  
 MY SON AND I RECONCILED AFTER THE MEMORIAL SERVICE!!!! Thank and Praise God!!!
I finally get to see my granddaughters, this summer, I am going to put in a request for Memorial weekend.  I now have my son's phone number and permission to text him.  I am far beyond excited yet I just can't believe it because it's been so long and I am almost afraid to let my expectations get to high, as far as, follow thru; yet I can't help but be excited.  I am going to be sending them a box for Dakotah's birthday, this coming Sunday.  I am sending some homemade chocolate chip cookies because I know that my son loves my chocolate chip cookies - plus I am sending a package of cookies from New Glarus Bakery, because I know my older granddaughters will remember them and the youngest one will like them, along with her sisters.

No Words

4/11/18 -- I know that there are a lot of gaps in my postings but I have not had much words to speak.
  

Death Cont........

4/6/18 -- I never, in a million years, did I ever expect that my dad would be the first to die and so stinkin' young!!!  I always that that my dad was too stubborn to die, so young.  I can't even begin to convey how hard it is to wrap my head around.  My dad is actually dead, like no longer around.  Even though I was never as close to my dad, as I so desired to be, I still very much loved him.  This next week is going to be very difficult.  My younger sister and I have to meet at mom's house to go over pictures that we would like to see on a poster board, and at the memorial service.  We have to finalize the arrangements, and make sure that all is set for using the church, for the memorial service.  We are using the same church we did for my little sister's Celebration of Life Service.  Also, most of my mom's siblings are coming up, and most of my dad's siblings are coming up, as well.  My son is coming down, unfortunately my daughter in-law isn't able to make it due to photo shoots, for Mother's Day.  I do believe that my oldest nephew is trying his hardest to come home south Carolina.  It'll be nice to see him.

Death.....

5/1/18 -- Well my dad passed away Sunday, evening. I had gone to visit him on Friday, then again Sunday around noonish because he just wasn't doing very well, at all.  Dad took a turn for the worst over the last couple of weeks.  The last time I saw him was 2 months ago.  When I saw him on Friday he looked dramatically different.  He had been sick, in the hospital, then back in the nursing home.  The PSP (progressive supra-nuclear palsy) caught up with him.  Mom, has had plenty of time to reflect over the last 8 years that dad had been retired; she realized that dad had started showing symptoms of this disorder when he retired.  More than that, she noticed them because he was home more.  The thing with this disorder; is that the patient dies within 10 years after the onset of symptoms.
  I am amazed that he declined so quickly, from the time I saw him 2 months ago.  I am more concerned about my mom, once again, than i am about myself.  My mom still is grieving over the death of my little sister, about 7 months ago.  Now, my sister and I will have to keep and eye and her and make sure she is getting out, not becoming a complete hermit. I don't blame her for not wanting to leave the house every now and again, but to never leave, that would become a problem.  My younger sister and I both have keys to her house because mom gave them to us, so we can make sure she is ok, if we need to.
  I had thought about canceling the upcoming appointment with my counselor, but decided against when I heard from my mom how bad my dad was getting.  I did try to reschedule it but couldn't so I will have to bring the child that I am taking care of with me to my counseling appt.