5/30/16 -- Over the last few weeks I have been sensing some sort of a change going on within me. I don't know that I can totally describe what I have been feeling other than I just may be on the verge of finally getting out of this "stuckness" that I have been feeling I have been in for quite a long while. I had a battle of thoughts about suicide 2 weeks ago and according to my Counselor, that most likely was caused the the stress that my body feels that it is under. He strongly suggested that I do some things to relieve the stress, so I did my best to do that during that week, but the toughest day of that week was my son's 25th birthday and I just was having a difficult time overcoming the strong desire to be with him. I did make it thru that day and the weekend because then I was sort of busy, at least enough to keep my mind busy.
I have also been going thru a Bible Study by a woman named Sheila Walsh - someone who had been thru a similar situation in her life - this bible study is a result of the things that she learned going thru her difficult times. I have to admit, as I went thru it I discovered that, not only am I not the only one who has had thoughts of suicide, and depression to go along with it, but God is there to help and guide us out. God has been here with me thru this entire time of dealing with this crap. He had guided me to the right people to help me to navigate thru this depression and away from the strong desire and intent on committing suicide. I have even made past a couple of other times when I was just getting "panicked" I guess and was seriously considering admitting myself to the mental hospital. You have no idea just how much these people, who have helped and guided me, truly mean to me because I am still alive.
I totally encourage everyone who is dealing with depression and thoughts and even strong intents of suicide, to please get help. Talk to someone you know and trust and hopefully they will get you the help you need. Also, anyone who knows someone that is becoming different that they used to be, maybe trying to keep themselves isolated, maybe they have tried talking to you about something and you blew it off not thinking about what was being said. Please, Please don't blow off someone who is talking about "ending it all" in some way get them help. Even their regular doctor should be able to guide you to a mental health dept. or agency to get your friend the help they need. It is totally possible to make it past all the garbage that brought you to this dark place in your life.
I have had many low points since successfully avoiding suicide, even as recent as last friday including the whole of last week. I haven't experienced anything as low as I was almost 2 years ago.
Monday, May 30, 2016
Sunday, May 29, 2016
My Life........Trying to Move On
5/29/16 -- So, I started my new job this past Monday. The household situation is rather interesting, different. I am to watch the 2 children, the oldest with his teachers most of the time, while their mom does the chores that her fiancee gives her do, every day.
The woman is young and seems to be inexperienced in a number of ways, of which I can be of a great help, so long as she is willing.
My first task is to give these children some boundaries and teaching them to live or stay in the boundaries until they have permission to move beyond. I spent the biggest part of that day keeping the children out of the kitchen so their mom could thoroughly clean it without children in her way. Neither of the boys took naps and they were pretty much wired for sound, so to speak. The youngest took to me pretty easily; he is adorable and very snuggly anyway. The middle boy took a little longer to warm up to me but he is fine now.
Tuesday, I had to go with her to her WIC appt. to help her keep the children all together because they just don't have any boundaries, or know what they can and cannot do because mom just hasn't laid that type of stuff out, to them. I spent a lot of time saying "no" and chasing after them. Thursday was a little field trip, type deal. We went to a church that was hosting a "family fun day" along with providing lunch. That was interesting, to say the least. The children all had fun and ate better than they normally do for lunch. However, they were more of a handful because there again is the lack of discipline issue. I have been observing the mom as she interacts with the little ones and there are times that I can definitely tell that she is overwhelmed. She has admitted to having children before either one of them was truly ready, let alone married. I am not judging her at all and that is why I believe she is so comfortable is sharing things with me.
She has eluded to the idea that my job there is temporary and even has lied to the people at this "Family Fun Day" that she hired me but her fiancee is the one that hired me and he is the one that determines how long I will be there. I do believe that i will keep an eye out for other prospects, tho, not knowing. I also will be getting some clarifications from him as to what his plans are for how long I will be there.
I thought I had something else to help boost my income, but that ended up being a scam, to which doesn't make me very happy. I was hoping that I would have a cleaning job that would be three days a week but when the woman {I think I was talking to a woman-emailing} didn't give me the address that supposedly they were to moving to - I was suspicious. Then I talked to my mentor about it and she said something that reminded me of a scam that I had encountered several years ago, along this similar lines. I decided that I would send another email to let this "woman" know that I was concerned, hoping that she would understand and reply back, at the same time my thoughts were - "if this is for real ad truly meant to be then she will be ok with my question and move on with answering the rest or if she doesn't reply back then I know for sure it's a scam." Sure enough, she hasn't responded back which is my cue that she was attempting to scam me. BUMMER!! The money she was talking about would have been really helpful. Oh, well something else will come along.
The woman is young and seems to be inexperienced in a number of ways, of which I can be of a great help, so long as she is willing.
My first task is to give these children some boundaries and teaching them to live or stay in the boundaries until they have permission to move beyond. I spent the biggest part of that day keeping the children out of the kitchen so their mom could thoroughly clean it without children in her way. Neither of the boys took naps and they were pretty much wired for sound, so to speak. The youngest took to me pretty easily; he is adorable and very snuggly anyway. The middle boy took a little longer to warm up to me but he is fine now.
Tuesday, I had to go with her to her WIC appt. to help her keep the children all together because they just don't have any boundaries, or know what they can and cannot do because mom just hasn't laid that type of stuff out, to them. I spent a lot of time saying "no" and chasing after them. Thursday was a little field trip, type deal. We went to a church that was hosting a "family fun day" along with providing lunch. That was interesting, to say the least. The children all had fun and ate better than they normally do for lunch. However, they were more of a handful because there again is the lack of discipline issue. I have been observing the mom as she interacts with the little ones and there are times that I can definitely tell that she is overwhelmed. She has admitted to having children before either one of them was truly ready, let alone married. I am not judging her at all and that is why I believe she is so comfortable is sharing things with me.
She has eluded to the idea that my job there is temporary and even has lied to the people at this "Family Fun Day" that she hired me but her fiancee is the one that hired me and he is the one that determines how long I will be there. I do believe that i will keep an eye out for other prospects, tho, not knowing. I also will be getting some clarifications from him as to what his plans are for how long I will be there.
I thought I had something else to help boost my income, but that ended up being a scam, to which doesn't make me very happy. I was hoping that I would have a cleaning job that would be three days a week but when the woman {I think I was talking to a woman-emailing} didn't give me the address that supposedly they were to moving to - I was suspicious. Then I talked to my mentor about it and she said something that reminded me of a scam that I had encountered several years ago, along this similar lines. I decided that I would send another email to let this "woman" know that I was concerned, hoping that she would understand and reply back, at the same time my thoughts were - "if this is for real ad truly meant to be then she will be ok with my question and move on with answering the rest or if she doesn't reply back then I know for sure it's a scam." Sure enough, she hasn't responded back which is my cue that she was attempting to scam me. BUMMER!! The money she was talking about would have been really helpful. Oh, well something else will come along.
Saturday, May 21, 2016
The Way Things Are
5/21/16 -- Way too much has happened over the last several weeks. My first ever, Nanny job ended last Thursday with absolutely zero prospects for this past/current week. My week, last week, wasn't going well at all, like to the point of having to make an extra appointment with my Counselor. Talking to him actually help me a bit, to get thru and into next week, when I see him again.
I gotta admit that I am sick and tired of this roller coaster ride that I have been on. This past Monday {5/16/16} I started having thoughts of suicide again, which sort of scared me again. So, since these thoughts were rather persistent I decided to send another email to my counseling dept. which then garnered a call from them, wanting to get more info on how I was feeling, emotionally and if I would be safe. The woman, not sure if she was the nurse or the receptionist asked if I wanted to see whoever was in the office, so, since I don't know who all else was there she said she would call back after 1pm. Finally, it was more like after 2pm when I received that call back from the Behavioral Health Dept. with the encouragement to make the appt with my Counselor on Wednesday, rather than seeing someone new. My Counselor, had a opening on Wednesday at 8am, so that is the appt. I took.
After we talked for a little bit, me telling him what was going on. He seemed to believe that my body is telling me that I need to do something to get rid of the stress that I have. The stress is the job situation, along with the other stuff that I have been dealing with. He seems to believe that my mind's way of coping with the stress is for these thoughts of suicide to break thru and become more prevalent than they have been in a very long time. He also encouraged me with telling me that he believes that I am stronger than I think I am. I told him that I don't feel all that strong right now, as a matter of fact, I am tired of fighting this crap! I would just like my life to go smoothly for a time. I realize that life isn't easy but I have had nothing but a roller coaster ride for the last 3+ years and I am tired of it. He suggested that I do some exercise, get in the sun, do some reading or something that will get my heart rate up because that is a way to relieve stress.
My Counselor then wanted to be doubly sure that I have zero intentions of killing myself to which I responded that I didn't. He then one more step and asked me for 3 reasons that I have to live. I gave him those 3 reasons - 1)my son and grandchildren-whenever we are reconciled, 2)my parents who need me, 3) and the other children that I enjoy being around. My Counselor was quite pleased that I was able to give him those reasons to live. He again encouraged me by telling me that I am stronger than I think I am; after all I am still here, after all that I dealt with 2 years ago. I am doing my best to allow that encouragement, along with what my former Counselor would tell me in the form of encouragement, to really sink in.
I gotta admit that I am sick and tired of this roller coaster ride that I have been on. This past Monday {5/16/16} I started having thoughts of suicide again, which sort of scared me again. So, since these thoughts were rather persistent I decided to send another email to my counseling dept. which then garnered a call from them, wanting to get more info on how I was feeling, emotionally and if I would be safe. The woman, not sure if she was the nurse or the receptionist asked if I wanted to see whoever was in the office, so, since I don't know who all else was there she said she would call back after 1pm. Finally, it was more like after 2pm when I received that call back from the Behavioral Health Dept. with the encouragement to make the appt with my Counselor on Wednesday, rather than seeing someone new. My Counselor, had a opening on Wednesday at 8am, so that is the appt. I took.
After we talked for a little bit, me telling him what was going on. He seemed to believe that my body is telling me that I need to do something to get rid of the stress that I have. The stress is the job situation, along with the other stuff that I have been dealing with. He seems to believe that my mind's way of coping with the stress is for these thoughts of suicide to break thru and become more prevalent than they have been in a very long time. He also encouraged me with telling me that he believes that I am stronger than I think I am. I told him that I don't feel all that strong right now, as a matter of fact, I am tired of fighting this crap! I would just like my life to go smoothly for a time. I realize that life isn't easy but I have had nothing but a roller coaster ride for the last 3+ years and I am tired of it. He suggested that I do some exercise, get in the sun, do some reading or something that will get my heart rate up because that is a way to relieve stress.
My Counselor then wanted to be doubly sure that I have zero intentions of killing myself to which I responded that I didn't. He then one more step and asked me for 3 reasons that I have to live. I gave him those 3 reasons - 1)my son and grandchildren-whenever we are reconciled, 2)my parents who need me, 3) and the other children that I enjoy being around. My Counselor was quite pleased that I was able to give him those reasons to live. He again encouraged me by telling me that I am stronger than I think I am; after all I am still here, after all that I dealt with 2 years ago. I am doing my best to allow that encouragement, along with what my former Counselor would tell me in the form of encouragement, to really sink in.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
My Life as it is........
4/28/16 -- In my last blog posting I think I ended with my general age and still dealing with this depression, of sorts, and not believing it. I don't know if I also mentioned that I have a hard time believing the encouragement that I receive from others who are my friends even tho they aren't as close as I would like them to be.
Well, over the last couple of weeks I have received two cards from 2 different people that I have left on my desk to help me to all them to sink in, the encouragement that it. I really haven't had a whole lot of encouragement in my life, especially growing up. Neither of my parents really did a whole lot of encouragement; spent more time arguing than anything else. When my youngest sister was born, my mom spent more time with her because of the disability that she was born with, then she spent with us, my middle sister and I. She created a whole different dynamic in the household which wasn't necessarily a good thing.
The other thing is that my middle sister and I didn't really get along, at all. We fought or argued almost on a regular basis. My mom or dad didn't do too much about the arguing other than to discipline, which didn't do much good to help us learn to get along.
Well, over the last couple of weeks I have received two cards from 2 different people that I have left on my desk to help me to all them to sink in, the encouragement that it. I really haven't had a whole lot of encouragement in my life, especially growing up. Neither of my parents really did a whole lot of encouragement; spent more time arguing than anything else. When my youngest sister was born, my mom spent more time with her because of the disability that she was born with, then she spent with us, my middle sister and I. She created a whole different dynamic in the household which wasn't necessarily a good thing.
The other thing is that my middle sister and I didn't really get along, at all. We fought or argued almost on a regular basis. My mom or dad didn't do too much about the arguing other than to discipline, which didn't do much good to help us learn to get along.
Life......
5/15/16 -- The last couple of weeks have been some what difficult. There is so much stuff that I just don't even know where to begin. My current Counselor had suggested that I make an attempt to go to the church that I have avoiding for reasons that have something to do with my son and somethings that happened between us on Sundays, at church. He suggested that if I could just get into the parking lot, even if I couldn't stay that would be ok; just getting into the driveway would be a good step in the right direction. So, a couple of weeks ago I did do just that, I went into the church parking lot but just couldn't bring myself to actually park it or go up to the door. I drove in and drove right back out then headed out to LifeSpring where I have been attend church for last several months.
I have actually thought about the idea that it may not be that I am just "avoiding" the church because of my son but that I just don't want to go back. The problem with that is I just don't quite know why I "don't" want to go back. I am not quite sure if that is really the case but I have been exploring the idea, anyway. I also have been exploring the idea of moving to another city and start a new chapter in my life. I also am toying with idea that moving to another city would also give me a chance to start a new life. The whole idea of starting over is actually quite appealing because there are quite a lot of, "not so great" memories in the current town I am living in, all of the bad stuff that happened between my son and I happened in this town. I just don't know what else to do or how to think about all that is going on.
This whole loosing the job, close friends of mine moving to another city, I just feel like I am being left behind so why shouldn't I just moving to the same city that my friends are moving to. The way that I am currently feeling about this, is with my son and family no longer living in this town, my surrogate family is soon to be moving away from this town so what is the point of me staying? I would be able to start all over without the haunting memories. I do know that I can't completely run away from the memories because I do have a lot of pictures. I am also looking at the idea of being closer to my friends and being more available to helping them, mainly in the evening and weekends. I true heart is to be able to exclusively help them the only problem is that I don't have the kind of money that would allow me to do that and not have to work to support myself. So, I will just have to work and do what I can on my free time.
You see my friends are moving to this other city to plant a church which isn't really all that easy to do, so they will need some help with their children.
My mind is just so confused and I just don't know what to do. My job ended on Thursday, something I wasn't quite expecting. I mean, I knew that it was eventually going to come to an end but I wasn't expecting it to come to an end so quickly. I got home around, what has become, the normal time and all I could really do is "pout" because just all the stuff going on in my mind I couldn't really do much of anything else. I did make arrangements to take the twins out for their birthday ice cream but they needed to nap first. I napped as well but when I woke up I just felt that I needed to send an email to the "coach" of the behavioral dept. at my local clinic. He had told me that I could call, email, or call for an appointment, any time. I just had to get somethings off my chest which ended up feeling good. There are times when I want to send an email but my counselor only works one day a week, so I can't really send it to him plus in actuality his supervisor is the Counselor that I will be seeing come October.
I actually felt somewhat better after sending that email. I did receive an response from the man, telling me that he didn't mind my sending him an email if it help to get thing s off my chest, plus because he believes in prayer, he would keep me in prayer.
I have actually thought about the idea that it may not be that I am just "avoiding" the church because of my son but that I just don't want to go back. The problem with that is I just don't quite know why I "don't" want to go back. I am not quite sure if that is really the case but I have been exploring the idea, anyway. I also have been exploring the idea of moving to another city and start a new chapter in my life. I also am toying with idea that moving to another city would also give me a chance to start a new life. The whole idea of starting over is actually quite appealing because there are quite a lot of, "not so great" memories in the current town I am living in, all of the bad stuff that happened between my son and I happened in this town. I just don't know what else to do or how to think about all that is going on.
This whole loosing the job, close friends of mine moving to another city, I just feel like I am being left behind so why shouldn't I just moving to the same city that my friends are moving to. The way that I am currently feeling about this, is with my son and family no longer living in this town, my surrogate family is soon to be moving away from this town so what is the point of me staying? I would be able to start all over without the haunting memories. I do know that I can't completely run away from the memories because I do have a lot of pictures. I am also looking at the idea of being closer to my friends and being more available to helping them, mainly in the evening and weekends. I true heart is to be able to exclusively help them the only problem is that I don't have the kind of money that would allow me to do that and not have to work to support myself. So, I will just have to work and do what I can on my free time.
You see my friends are moving to this other city to plant a church which isn't really all that easy to do, so they will need some help with their children.
My mind is just so confused and I just don't know what to do. My job ended on Thursday, something I wasn't quite expecting. I mean, I knew that it was eventually going to come to an end but I wasn't expecting it to come to an end so quickly. I got home around, what has become, the normal time and all I could really do is "pout" because just all the stuff going on in my mind I couldn't really do much of anything else. I did make arrangements to take the twins out for their birthday ice cream but they needed to nap first. I napped as well but when I woke up I just felt that I needed to send an email to the "coach" of the behavioral dept. at my local clinic. He had told me that I could call, email, or call for an appointment, any time. I just had to get somethings off my chest which ended up feeling good. There are times when I want to send an email but my counselor only works one day a week, so I can't really send it to him plus in actuality his supervisor is the Counselor that I will be seeing come October.
I actually felt somewhat better after sending that email. I did receive an response from the man, telling me that he didn't mind my sending him an email if it help to get thing s off my chest, plus because he believes in prayer, he would keep me in prayer.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Encouragement.......I hope
(The upcoming words have nothing to do with this awesome picture, not directly)
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to?
Your are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightening about striking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is with us.
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
I received these words from my former Counselor, I say former because he has since moved on to another clinic to practice, which I am bummed about. I have had the paper that these words are on, on a wall right across from my bed so that I see them every morning and any other time I walk by that wall.
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