Life......

5/15/16 -- The last couple of weeks have been some what difficult.  There is so much stuff that I just don't even know where to begin.  My current Counselor had suggested that I make an attempt to go to the church that I have avoiding for reasons that have something to do with my son and somethings that happened between us on Sundays, at church.  He suggested that if I could just get into the parking lot, even if I couldn't stay that would be ok; just getting into the driveway would be a good step in the right direction.  So, a couple of weeks ago I did do just that, I went into the church parking lot but just couldn't bring myself to actually park it or go up to the door.  I drove in and drove right back out then headed out to LifeSpring where I have been attend church for last several months.
  I have actually thought about the idea that it may not be that I am just "avoiding" the church because of my son but that I just don't want to go back.  The problem with that is I just don't quite know why I "don't" want to go back.  I am not quite sure if that is really the case but I have been exploring the idea, anyway.  I also have been exploring the idea of moving to another city and start a new chapter in my life.  I also am toying with idea that moving to another city would also give me a chance to start a new life.  The whole idea of starting over is actually quite appealing because there are quite a lot of, "not so great" memories in the current town I am living in, all of the bad stuff that happened between my son and I happened in this town.  I just don't know what else to do or how to think about all that is going on.
  This whole loosing the job, close friends of mine moving to another city, I just feel like I am being left behind so why shouldn't I just moving to the same city that my friends are moving to.  The way that I am currently feeling about this, is with my son and family no longer living in this town, my surrogate family is soon to be moving away from this town so what is the point of me staying?  I would be able to start all over without the haunting memories.  I do know that I can't completely run away from the memories because I do have a lot of pictures.  I am also looking at the idea of being closer to my friends and being more available to helping them, mainly in the evening and weekends.  I true heart is to be able to exclusively help them the only problem is that I don't have the kind of money that would allow me to do that and not have to work to support myself.  So, I will just have to work and do what I can on my free time.  
   You see my friends are moving to this other city to plant a church which isn't really all that easy to do, so they will need some help with their children.
  My mind is just so confused and I just don't know what to do.  My job ended on Thursday, something I wasn't quite expecting.  I mean, I knew that it was eventually going to come to an end but I wasn't expecting it to come to an end so quickly.  I got home around, what has become, the normal time and all I could really do is "pout" because just all the stuff going on in my mind I couldn't really do much of anything else.  I did make arrangements to take the twins out for their birthday ice cream but they needed to nap first.  I napped as well but when I woke up  I just felt that I needed to send an email to the "coach" of the  behavioral dept. at my local clinic.  He had told me that I could call, email, or call for an appointment, any time.   I just had to get somethings off my chest which ended up feeling good.  There are times when I want to send an email but my counselor only works one day a week, so I can't really send it to him plus in actuality his supervisor is the Counselor  that I will be seeing come October.  
  I actually felt somewhat better after sending that email.  I did receive an response from the man, telling me that he didn't mind my sending him an email if it help to get thing s off my chest, plus because he believes in prayer, he would keep me in prayer.