The Way Things Are

5/21/16 -- Way too much has happened over the last several weeks.  My first ever, Nanny job ended last Thursday with absolutely zero prospects for this past/current week.  My week, last week, wasn't going well at all, like to the point of having to make an extra appointment with my Counselor.  Talking to him actually help me a bit, to get thru and into next week, when I see him again.
  I gotta admit that I am sick and tired of this roller coaster ride that I have been on.  This past Monday {5/16/16} I started having thoughts of suicide again, which sort of scared me again.  So, since these thoughts were rather persistent I decided to send another email to my counseling dept. which then garnered a call from them, wanting to get more info on how I was feeling, emotionally and if I would be safe.  The woman, not sure if she was the nurse or the receptionist asked if I wanted to see whoever was in the office, so, since I don't know who all else was there she said she would call back after 1pm.  Finally, it was more like after 2pm when I received that call back from the Behavioral Health Dept. with the encouragement to make the appt with my Counselor on Wednesday, rather than seeing someone new.  My Counselor, had a opening on Wednesday at 8am, so that is the appt. I took.
   After we talked for a little bit, me telling him what was going on.  He seemed to believe that my body is telling me that I need to do something to get rid of the stress that I have.  The stress is the job situation, along with the other stuff that I have been dealing with.  He seems to believe that my mind's way of coping with  the stress is for these thoughts of suicide to break thru and become more prevalent than they have been in a very long time.  He also encouraged me with telling me that he believes that I am stronger than I think I am.  I told him that I don't feel all that strong right now, as a matter of fact, I am tired of fighting this crap!  I would just like my life to go smoothly for a time.  I realize that life isn't easy but I have had nothing but a roller coaster ride for the last 3+ years and I am tired of it.  He suggested that I do some exercise, get in the sun, do some reading or something that will get my heart rate up because that is a way to relieve stress.  
  My Counselor then wanted to be doubly sure that I have zero intentions of killing myself to which I responded that I didn't.  He then one more step and asked me for 3 reasons that I have to live.  I gave him those 3 reasons - 1)my son and grandchildren-whenever we are reconciled, 2)my parents who need me, 3) and the other children that I enjoy being around.  My Counselor was quite pleased that I was able to give him those reasons to live.  He again encouraged me by telling me that I am stronger than I think I am; after all I am still here, after all that I dealt with 2 years ago.  I am doing my best to allow that encouragement, along with what my former Counselor would tell me in the form of encouragement, to really sink in.