The Weekend

3/24/15 -- Well this past several days have been interesting.  Saturday morning didn't go quite as planned.  Woke up at a decent time but was still pretty tired so laid back down and woke up 3 hours later. That was not a super good thing since I had a wedding to be at by 2pm and I didn't have everything ready for the wedding gift, not to mention zero wrapping paper.  Anyway, I was late getting to the wedding but I did make it for the ceremony, the most important part.  The only thing that I wrapped my gift in was yellow tissue paper. I had found the special card last week at the clinic pharmacy so that was already done, I just had to fill it out.
   So, I made it to the wedding, saw my sister with all her children minus her oldest son.  Thankfully, in this particular situation, I didn't have to be concerned with seeing my son there, because I knew that he wasn't invited.  I only had one of his friends ask about him.
The reception was later that evening so I went home - there was a dinner for the family only, right after the wedding but after pictures were taken.  So, once I got home, checked the mail and there was a letter from the Elders of the Monroe Bible Church with the header of my daughter in-law and I on it.  Thanking us for attending the meeting and acknowledging how hard it was for the both of us because they, the Elder board, didn't know much if anything about the situation.  Also, admonishing us to not saying anything to anyone about the situation.  Needless to say that letter reset my mood for some of the afternoon, to the point that I just couldn't go to the grocery store like I really wanted to.
  The closer that I got to 6:30pm the more I had to work on resetting my mind again so that I could go to the reception without having something cloud my mind and ruin the time I could have, still hoping that I wouldn't see my son-I know pretty bad huh but I wanted to enjoy the evening. Especially isn't I know that he is pretty angry right now.
3/30/15 -- Last week was interesting-I made friends with someone via a Facebook group and now we are messaging on a regular basis via Facebook Messenger.  She is really suffering from depression and some other stuff due the different things that she has dealt with throughout her life.  As a result she doesn't trust anyone and she has a hard time trust me and anything that I say.  I have been doing my best to encourage and uplift her but she is resistant in believing that she deserves the encouragement.
  Through a series of events she ended up in the hospital with 25 stitches and sedated because she was fighting the staff, then she was transferred to place where she would get the help she needs for the mental issues because she can't get better mentally by herself.  I enjoy trying to help someone else because it really does take the focus off of myself which is a good thing.  It does get kind of irritating because she can be rather stubborn but I can be too which sometimes is helpful.  I have assured her that I am there for her regardless of what she thinks about herself.  I understand some of what she is dealing with but I don't get the total resistance to encouragement, support and love.  She has finally accepted me and my love for her but can be very resistant to what I am telling her to encourage or try to tell her to do or not to do. Oh well I will continue to do what I am doing.  Eventually, hopefully she will come to understand I have her best in mind and not everyone is out to get or hurt her.

Not much on the new side

3/19/15 - Nothing new in the department of my son.  I am still very concerned about him but the only thing that I can do is continue to pray for him. so that is what I continue to do.  The man who my son trusts to mentor him has gone back to work, at least in part, so it is possible that he may start mentoring him soon.  My son really needs someone to help him sort thru this because he absolutely cannot do this on his on his own.  Don't get me wrong my son is a strong man but somethings just can't be dealt with alone whether you are a man or a woman and it is better to have someone, like a best friend to come a long side and help you out.  In this case this man is older than my son and wisdom is very helpful in many cases, the bible says that the older should teach the younger.  So, that is what I am hoping and praying for here.
   I have started working again, thank You Lord, everyday this week!  It looks like it will be everyday for the next several weeks and months.  Finally, things are picking up!  About dang time!  Now maybe I can begin to get a better handle on things like the electric bill, the one that I am most definitely behind on.
  I am looking forward to making a drive to Janesville for Easter.  My friends there have invited me to their house to spend the holiday with them.  So, since there is a good probability that my family situation won't have changed much by then I accepted her invitation.  Her husband has the weekend off so he will be there and they will be celebrating on the actual day.  Of course if by some Miracle [not impossible] my family is reunited I can still have a family dinner on a different day cause they most likely would spend the actual day with her mom, anyway.  That wouldn't change.
    The reality of all this still stings big time and there are times that certain thoughts run thru my head but I don't entertain them because they are just wrong and I don't want to go there.
The whys and what ifs, I hate them!  Sometimes the events and words of the meeting come back to me and I remember what was said in the meeting and wonder if I should clarify to the elders in another email to the Elders, or get irritated because of the attitude of my daughter in-law and the fact that my son sent a list of piddly crap that he hasn't let go of!  That "pile of crap" just gets bigger and I hate looking at it let alone going to it and dwelling there.  Right now my one friend is getting ready for a wedding, her second son is getting married so this week she has no time for me, kind of a bummer.  I kinda could use some time to talk or just spend some time with.  Oh well, not much I can do about it.

Interesting week

3/17/15 -- Finally, I feel able to talk about a meeting that happened last week.  First, happy St. Patrick's Day.  Also, today is my Uncle's Anniversary - so Happy Anniversary to my favorite Uncle in the Columbus area of Ohio.

  There was a meeting that happened last week between my daughter in-law & her support person, myself & my support person and about 8 Elders of our Church plus the Pastor.  My son wasn't able to be there due to the fact he was able to get off work; which as I understood it, was a good thing.

  I will do my best to not take to much time in explaining the details of the meeting because they aren't necessary to this blog but try to give you my perspective without being too detail oriented. {might be easier said than done}

  My daughter in-law came with a list, from my son, of what he/they what addressed at this meeting; however I was no where near prepared with a list.  This meeting was a fact finding mission for the Elder Board because they didn't know the particulars of either side. Since my son was removed from the worship team it is in the hands of the Elder board of the Church.  The tone of the meeting and the attitude of the daughter in-law was such that I just couldn't respond to much plus I was drawing a blank on a lot.  My support person's husband [afterwards] suggested I put together a list of my own that would be sent to the elder board thru my support person.  I did just that and forwarded it to my support person so she could add to it her comments then with the help of her husband send it off to the Elders via Email.

  That meeting left me reeling for several days because of the tone of the meeting and the attitude of my daughter in-law: to top it all off the things I learned concerning my son seriously have me concerned about my son.

  After meeting with another woman and ending up in a Bible Study right afterward, all of that helped me to process and to be able to let go of all that went on during the meeting.

  The picture of the cat is my Bear cat. He is one of two cats that I enjoy coming home to everyday.  This cat has a unique way about him-in the mornings he wakes me up so the I can feed him then he wants me to "tuck" him in on my made bed while I am getting ready for work.  He doesn't like to be held but he tolerates it and I am thankful because he is very cuddle-able.  He is big, soft and fluffy with silky fur.  He has an interesting temperament which is what I totally love about my ball of fur.

HE IS......

3/13/15 -- I have had one heck of a week however I don't know that I am ready to write about it right now.  There is the words to a song that I am going to type in here because they totally fit for what I am feeling and where my trust lies right now.

SOVERIEGN

"Sovereign in the mountain are

Sovereign on the ocean floor

With me in the calm 

With me in the storm"

"Sovereign in my greatest joy 

Sovereign in my deepest cry

With me in the dark

With me at the dawn"

"In Your everlasting arms

All the pieces of my life

From the beginning to the end

I can trust You"

"In Your never failing love

You work everything for good

God whatever comes my way

I will trust You"

"All my hopes

All I need

Held in Your Hands"

"All my life 

All of me

Held in Your Hands"

"All my fears

All my dreams

Held in Your hands"

This song plus a few others have really gotten me thru this difficult time.

                                  

                                 

Gotta Love New Developments

3/7/15 -- Today the sun was actually out and not too chilly so I could open my bedroom curtains to let the sunshine in!  It was nice and about stinking time.
  I had an interesting development yesterday right before I left to visit the Pastor's wife-I received a phone called from one of the Elders of the church my son attends, sort of.  He asked if I would be available for a meeting with my son and his wife and my friend on Monday night.  However, nothing has been confirmed with my son, yet.  I am really hoping that my son allows for the meeting and doesn't have to work and/or he doesn't back out. 
I am not getting my hopes up like the last time nor am I going to allow myself to lose sleep over the potential of a meeting then have it fall thru.
  I am doing my best to hang on to my God and trust that if this meeting is to happen then it will and my son will be willing and ready.  The one thing that does kinda freak me out is doing this before the Elders of the Church.  I am not even sure how my son would feel about this.  Thankfully my prayer partner is going to be there with me because I just don't know if I could get thru this whole this with out her there.
   I did have a nice visit with the Pastor's wife tho.  I was there for like 3 hours, just talking and watching her make her own little beads.  We talked about a variety of different things.  It was cool getting to know her, she was one lady that I wanted to get to know a little more.
She is quite neat lady.  She does kinda have a little tough cause they have one vehicle and she only gets it one day a week and she has to make the best out of that one day.  Her hubby gives her a difficult time when she requests the vehicle an additional day.  Oh well, she makes it work.  She is a cool person.
  Still having job trouble and financial trouble and still don't know what to do.  Still waiting and trusting God to come thru although I am not sure just how he is going to do that.
When my boss doesn't work, I don't work.  Hoping something comes up for next week.

More Snow

3/3/15 -- For some reason I was thinking the date was later than it is, I don't know why.   Thankfully I slept much better last night and this morning.  I did wake up, go to the restroom, check the cat food, and successfully went back to sleep for a few hours.  I got up sometime after 7am and I feel much better.  However, I woke up to snow and some wind blowing, but it has stopped now.  Hopefully it isn't sleeting or anything now.
   Now, the one thing that needs to change is work.  My boss needs to be working so that I can be working for him, plus I seriously need the money so that I can continue to pay bills and rent without having to ask my mom or anyone else.
3/6/15 -- Sorry it has been a few days since I started this, I guess I have been kind of having a pity party, of sorts.  My boss hasn't been work so therefore I haven't been working which really sucks and is difficult on the budget not to mention my emotional state.  I have managed to get to a point in my project for the upcoming wedding that I can start adding the yarn covered dowels.  There is an added bonus and that is, my boss picked up an inexpensive, small saw for me to use to cut dowels down to size when I am not around my boss; which has been this whole week.  Also, I still have to figure out how I am going to attach the lid to the base of the Keepsake Box, I am not sure I want to do it the same way I did when I made the first box. So, I will see.
    It really tough because I don't know whether I should continue to work for my boss or look for another family or single parent in need of a nanny that can offer a more consistent position.  I just can't continue not working when I have bills to pay and relying on my mom or others.  I really don't like doing that -- I don't like asking mom - I am trying to believe in God for the money to pay the bills but it is really hard - I just don't know if my faith in God is where it should be for my finances.  I have had no choice but to believe Him for taking care of the situation between my son and I because I really can't do anything but when it comes to my finances it is way too easy to ask mom for help and that is pretty sad.  That is me taking it upon myself to "fix" the problem instead of actually waiting on God.  That is the true test.  My faith is really being tested in many ways.  I intended on calling The Pastor's wife yesterday instead I stuck around the apt. and kinda moped and napped and worked on my project.
   I am taking a new BP medication and this stuff seriously makes me tired.  I am supposed to take it twice a day and I have been doing that for the last week or so, but it seriously leaves me dragging butt!  I really don't like that I am so stinking tired during the day when I know that I slept good all night, it has to do with the medication.  So, last night I sent a message to my doctor letting him know and seeing if I had to take it during the day or if I have to wait til I saw him in April.  So, I will see what kind of response I get from him.
  Sometimes it is hard for me to practice what I preach because everyone that I am friends with works.  So, what I end up doing is emailing and just asking those people to pray for the situation that I find myself in because that is what is weighing me down the most right now, even tho I am really trying to not let it, that is what is happening.  I find myself watching Food Network to keep my mind on the right track rather that dwelling on the negative but that only partially works because I am sitting in my apt watching my tv not at my boss's working with his child thru school.  This really hard, trying to be positive, trying to believe in God.  He knows my weakness and that is when He is strong.
   

A Fine Night

3/2/15 -- So, Friday afternoon I get an invitation from one of my best friends that live in Janesville.  She invited me to come to a comedy style show at her church, at 7pm.  I decided to go ahead and go, that Life Group was ok to skip for a Friday night and go to Janesville.  I asked if I could join her for supper first; at first she said no that she would be spending most of the day setting up for the night.  Then a little while later she texted to say that I could meet her at church at 5:45pm for dinner because she called the man who was smoking the ribs who said there would be enough for one more person.  
    So, that night was awesome!  The ribs were extremely tasty (off the hook!) I have never had ribs that tasted that good, in my life.  Then there was the Cheesecake!  The Cheesecake was from The Cheesecake Factory - I had Chocolate and that was extremely yummy, as well.
The performance of Theatre for Thirsty was awesome, I have never seen them before.  It was a two man show that had a message in the end, they used only two props, sang, and had background music is was great.  I had a great night, I was asked to spend the night but I didn't have anything with me to do that, wasn't planned ahead of time, so I had to leave so that I could be back in plenty of time before my volunteer time was to start at 11pm.  My best friend and said that we would make sure that we plan better next time.  We talked about sometime around Easter, so we will see.
  This morning I woke up way too early, like 3:30am. I initially got up to use the restroom and feed my cats because my Bear cat was pestering me but after I laid back down I just couldn't get back to sleep.  So, about 4:14am I finally just got out of bed, thinking the heck with it.  I just start my normal morning routine even though I am not working today, which really sucks. I know that God has a reason for all this adversity going on in my life right now.  I know that He isn't the cause but He is allowing it for a reason and somehow or other I will come out stronger and He will get the glory, so that is all that matters.  I ended up taking a morning nap and will most likely be eating a early lunch because I ate breakfast early.
  I now have to figure out what groceries to purchase at the store to get me thru the week without costing too much.  Also, pray that I get to work sometime this week, preferable 3 days this week. Only Jesus knows.

An Interesting Week

3/1/15 -- Well, here it is the beginning of month of March, I don't know where you all are located, but where I am (upper northern midwest)it's still cold brrr and there is snow on the ground.
  Last week was a very interesting week, like mid to last part of the week. My ex-husband friend requested me on Facebook; of course I freaked out [probably overreacted a little bit] but I quickly let my daughter in-law know so she wouldn't accept his request and let my son know.  Little did I know that my son had already accepted his request and is his Facebook friend.  
   Anyway, there was a conversation with my daughter in-law, via Facebook messaging, which quickly turned accusatory on her part and she informed me that her and her mom dropped me as a friend because of my "behavior".  Of course, I have no idea what "behavior" she was  referring to because she didn't elaborate.  So, of course, I wanted to respond with "my behavior, what about yours?" but I didn't say anything; I just backed out Facebook and decided not on Facebook.
Naturally, all of this is going on at work so I want to talk to someone, and every one was at work that I would talk to so emailed 3 people including my counsellor because I just had to talk to someone.  One thing that I didn't do is loose it emotionally, which is totally wonderful, it felt great.  My boss came home from work at like 3pm at the same time I get a call from the clinic asking if I could come in a 5pm to see my counsellor. That was like perfect timing. 
  I went to see my counsellor and we talked about the events of the last couple of days.  It felt great to be able to talk to him, and just unload all of that concern to him and get it out in the open.  I just had to talk to be talk to someone and it was nice to be able talk to him.  What really made my day because he totally encouraged and affirmed me because of the decisions that I had been making the last couple of days.  I tell you what his encouragement has stuck with me over the last few days.