1/21/17 -- So, over the last, oh I don't know, couple of months-ish, I have had such an unsettled feeling. Altho, I think this feeling has been going on longer than that. I recently found out that the people that have been starting churches in my area, and I have been attending the "church" that they are having in their home. They are moving to a city about an hour away from me. Last, Sunday we were talking about moving on or on to different things. During that conversation, I realize that I have been living in my current apartment for more than 3 years, which is beyond normal, because my normal time for living anywhere was 3 years. I now really having nothing tying me to my current town. Granted my parents live only a half and hour away and things are changing with them, as they age. That is weird for me to admit, that my parents are aging, I guess because I never actually pictured that as ever happening. Anyway, but I have to get on with my life, whatever that is. I feel like a move is coming, however, not at all clear as to where that will be.
I would like it to be marriage, yet this relationship that I am in, has been going sort of slowly. Altho, slowly isn't a bad thing. I am praying that if marriage is the course for me, then somethings should probably happen, change so that we can be together.
You see, he works about 65+ hours, not including the occasionally Sunday that he has to work. He is salary which means that he doesn't get paid for all those hours. Granted, I don't know what he makes but salary just doesn't seem fair because he really doesn't have much of a life outside of his job. I am really praying that if this man is who I am to marry, then he should want to make some sort of change, so that he can have a life, and a good marriage this time around. Yes, he was married before, as was I, so I don't care about that. This job or maybe it is just the company, that he works for, just doesn't allow for a family and a life outside of the job. Long hours and 6-7 days a weeks is just wrong and exhausting. It seems to me that he should have a couple days off a weeks given he puts in such long hours, over all. I even jokingly, suggested that he play "hooky" to come for a visit today, then suggested that he come tonight after work, since he works tomorrow and goes in early on Mondays, which to me is wicked out, but that is what he does to prepare for the day/week. We haven't seen each other for more than a couple of months, due to weather, sickness and just too busy since Sundays are typically the only day he has to do stuff at his home, for/with his mom and/or aunt plus try to fit in a visit to me, which is not always feasible.
Anyway, I have been having issues with my big toe and the one next to it which causes pain on the ball of my foot right where my big toe and the next toe joints are, in the foot. This issue really makes long term walking and standing very painful, after awhile. I did go to the dr. who suggested putting a gel padding in my shoes which has helped relieve the pain, but hasn't completely alleviated the problem. Therefore, I had to place a follow up call to the dr. to see what else he would want to do. We originally discussed a medrol pack, which is a steroid pack to reduce and hopefully eliminate the inflammation plus he suggested possibly an MRI to really see what is going on. The problem is that he wasn't in the office when I called on Thursday, so I have to wait til Tuesday. I don't get it, my mom has issues with her knees and I have been having issues with my ankles and feet, opposite sides but its weird.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Life in Progress
1/14/17 -- I still can't believe it's two-thousand seventeen; for some reason it just seems so weird to me. Not exactly sure why.
My man and I still haven't seen each other and it's been just over two months, it really sucks too. In my personal opinion it is difficult to really get to know each other when you haven't seen each other face to face, more than twice. Yet, we are plugging away, and doing the best we can. I am not will to give up, on this, just because of distance and his work schedule. I firmly believe that God brought us together, so I have to just "chill" and let things happen when they happen, because God is in complete control. Of course, none of this is happening at the pace that I want it too, but that is all the more reason for me to just chill.
I haven't heard anything more from my son, that is a little frustrating but I can't get impatient with him either because if I show him that I am impatient it could push him away, again. So consequently, stay chill and wait for him to respond to my request, when he is ready. My granddaughters birthdays are beginning to come around again and I would really love to be apart of their birthday parties, this year.
I gotta tell you, this side of depression is different, exciting, and terrifying at the same time. Yet, I am not willing to go backwards because I didn't like that, at all. I have even started working my crafty thing, plastic canvas making stuff, again because it keeps my hands and mind occupied. I even have been playing, only two games, on my iPad, and on my phone be occupy my mind. I don't spend a long time on either one of those devices but I do play some games.
I am still seeing my counselor but I don't know for how much longer. I am getting to the place where I don't need the counseling. Also, the new insurance that I have will only cover 6 sessions, unless they get pre-authorization for any more. I do like being able to go to talk to someone because as of right now I have no one, and the woman who I am talking to, may just be able to help me work thru a couple of other issues before I have to stop or I call a halt to them.
I really want to encourage the readers of this blog to make comments and ask questions because I would really like to see your feedback and maybe even help someone who is struggling.
My man and I still haven't seen each other and it's been just over two months, it really sucks too. In my personal opinion it is difficult to really get to know each other when you haven't seen each other face to face, more than twice. Yet, we are plugging away, and doing the best we can. I am not will to give up, on this, just because of distance and his work schedule. I firmly believe that God brought us together, so I have to just "chill" and let things happen when they happen, because God is in complete control. Of course, none of this is happening at the pace that I want it too, but that is all the more reason for me to just chill.
I haven't heard anything more from my son, that is a little frustrating but I can't get impatient with him either because if I show him that I am impatient it could push him away, again. So consequently, stay chill and wait for him to respond to my request, when he is ready. My granddaughters birthdays are beginning to come around again and I would really love to be apart of their birthday parties, this year.
I gotta tell you, this side of depression is different, exciting, and terrifying at the same time. Yet, I am not willing to go backwards because I didn't like that, at all. I have even started working my crafty thing, plastic canvas making stuff, again because it keeps my hands and mind occupied. I even have been playing, only two games, on my iPad, and on my phone be occupy my mind. I don't spend a long time on either one of those devices but I do play some games.
I am still seeing my counselor but I don't know for how much longer. I am getting to the place where I don't need the counseling. Also, the new insurance that I have will only cover 6 sessions, unless they get pre-authorization for any more. I do like being able to go to talk to someone because as of right now I have no one, and the woman who I am talking to, may just be able to help me work thru a couple of other issues before I have to stop or I call a halt to them.
I really want to encourage the readers of this blog to make comments and ask questions because I would really like to see your feedback and maybe even help someone who is struggling.
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Aches and Pains
1/8/17 -- You know, it sucks getting old, and I am not all that old, yet I feel like I am. There are parts of my body that feel like are falling apart. I have an ankle that is not the best, so I have to wear a brace on it, whenever I leave the house so avoid breaking it. I am in need of an chiro adjustment due to my ribs and back needing to be adjusted back into their rightful spots. My other ankle is weak but still pretty good; but then there is my right foot-closer to my big toe and the one next to it. There seems to be something enflamed in the joints area that is causing pain for me to walk and especially long term standing. I have had to put "Dr. Scholls" supports for the ball of your foot, (if you were to wear heels) and that seems to be helping when I wear my tennis shoes. However, just walking about my apt. means that I am not wearing my shoes and my foot is just aching, the top of the foot is wear the pain is shooting to. The orthopedic dr. that I went to see said the do that for 2 weeks, and if that doesn't help then I need to try a medrol pack, which a decreasing series of a steroid to reduce the inflammation, that seems to be there. To just top things off, the pain goes right up my leg to my hip, so I definitely needed to do something. Hopefully, when I message the dr. and after the medrol pack the inflammation will go down, I do not relish the idea of having surgery on my foot and being off work for any amount of time.
Then there is my weight -- I haven't been overly happy with my weight, for quite a while but have been stalling about doing something about it. Yet, this time as I am preparing to go to the grocery store; I have been mulling over get the ingredients for the smoothies that I like. Since I don't have to be at work, all that early in the morning, I have plenty of time to get that stuff ready and drink at the same time. I had lost at least 20lbs when I did this last year. It was my choice to completely stop it, when I could have, should have kept up at least a part of it. Taking off that stupid 20+ lbs that I gained last year is something that I really want to do, yet if I have a foot that continues to bother me, how the heck can I add exercise to the mix?
There hasn't been much more in the way of progress with my son. This morning I sent him a message; requesting to schedule a meeting with all of us, in a location that is somewhere in the middle of where the two of us live. Naturally, I haven't heard anything back, as of yet. I know they went to church this morning and was more than likely there when I sent the message. I didn't have church because the people that host/teach were gone on vacation. Now, I know I very well could have gone to a different church but I just didn't want to. Sometimes, I just want to not have to get up and go anywhere, so when the hosts/leaders of the church are gone I don't mind taking advantage of them being gone, and just staying home. You see, I am pretty much a home body, I like staying home and just being home. I don't mind doing things outside the house but at the same time I prefer staying home.
When I was going thru the darkest, deepest part of my depression it wasn't a good idea for me to just stay home. To be honest, I was very thankful to have the few commitments that I had because I needed to make sure that I was around people, as much as I was comfortable. I know that was a small tool in my recovery, work was another, as much as I wish I didn't have to work, or at least not be the only "bread winner" in my household, working was most certainly a good thing. Now, I am in a great place, because it is safe for me to be home, alone, and I don't mind. As a matter of fact, I am back to enjoying the time alone. There are parts of the family that I work with/for that wear on me, for that matter, are annoying. I love children, yet their boys get on my nerves, that isn't normal for me.
Then there is my weight -- I haven't been overly happy with my weight, for quite a while but have been stalling about doing something about it. Yet, this time as I am preparing to go to the grocery store; I have been mulling over get the ingredients for the smoothies that I like. Since I don't have to be at work, all that early in the morning, I have plenty of time to get that stuff ready and drink at the same time. I had lost at least 20lbs when I did this last year. It was my choice to completely stop it, when I could have, should have kept up at least a part of it. Taking off that stupid 20+ lbs that I gained last year is something that I really want to do, yet if I have a foot that continues to bother me, how the heck can I add exercise to the mix?
There hasn't been much more in the way of progress with my son. This morning I sent him a message; requesting to schedule a meeting with all of us, in a location that is somewhere in the middle of where the two of us live. Naturally, I haven't heard anything back, as of yet. I know they went to church this morning and was more than likely there when I sent the message. I didn't have church because the people that host/teach were gone on vacation. Now, I know I very well could have gone to a different church but I just didn't want to. Sometimes, I just want to not have to get up and go anywhere, so when the hosts/leaders of the church are gone I don't mind taking advantage of them being gone, and just staying home. You see, I am pretty much a home body, I like staying home and just being home. I don't mind doing things outside the house but at the same time I prefer staying home.
When I was going thru the darkest, deepest part of my depression it wasn't a good idea for me to just stay home. To be honest, I was very thankful to have the few commitments that I had because I needed to make sure that I was around people, as much as I was comfortable. I know that was a small tool in my recovery, work was another, as much as I wish I didn't have to work, or at least not be the only "bread winner" in my household, working was most certainly a good thing. Now, I am in a great place, because it is safe for me to be home, alone, and I don't mind. As a matter of fact, I am back to enjoying the time alone. There are parts of the family that I work with/for that wear on me, for that matter, are annoying. I love children, yet their boys get on my nerves, that isn't normal for me.
Monday, January 2, 2017
A New Year, A New Start
1/2/17 -- Two Thousand Seventeen, wow!! Last year was a rocky one for me, as I continued to pull away from the darkness of depression. I have made such huge progress that I find it amazing. I know that I haven't done it alone, tho. God has been with me, thru this entire mess, using some very carefully selected people to help me along the way.
The latter part of last year there was finally a mind set change that even prompted me to get on a dating website that netted me a boyfriend. This relationship, however has been testing of my willingness to allow God and His timing for everything to continue. This relationship is a long distance style relationship. He lives about 3 hrs away, working such long hours that are just difficult for me to wrap my head around. I have to continually remind myself that my boyfriend has said that he has had hectic days for the last couple of weeks and that God is in control of this.
Then around Thanksgiving, God (finally) showed me some progress in the working on my son, that He has been doing. I received a response from my son, minutes after I sent him a message. That is the first time that he has responded to anything that I sent him. Then I threw out an invitation for Christmas plus a "Merry Christmas" and a "Happy New Year", this morning I received a "Happy New Year and a late "Merry Christmas" from him. I was in mild tears and very grateful to hear from him. Just that little bit shows me that God is working, and that some time very soon there will be reconciliation. I still have to be patient, wait on God and do or say what He wants when He wants me to. I know that I can't be too excited and pester my son because that will drive him away.
Then yesterday, at church, I received some news that I haven't really digested, yet. I have been attending a "church plant" that has been in a home. Now, the couple informed me that they will be moving to a town about an hour away from me. Interesting because someone else that I have been close to, has started a church in that same town, but haven't sold their house, yet. What is interesting about this is; I have been feeling a bit unsettled, like I need to be getting rid of things that I don't need. Mind you, I live in a one bedroom apartment and I really don't have too much that I don't need, yet I do. Kind of, have been ignoring that urge, but I know that I can't ignore it for too long. I have a feeling that a change is coming, just not sure when, but my suspicion is marriage, just don't know that for sure when. Regardless, I need to be obedient and get rid of what I don't want or need. What's even more interesting is; that when I moved into this place, I said that this was the last time that I move-with the caveat of my getting married. Oh and by the way, getting married really hasn't been on my radar - its been my desire but not on my radar, til last September.
I am really believing, praying and hoping that 2017 holds some really awesomely good changes for me and even my family.
The latter part of last year there was finally a mind set change that even prompted me to get on a dating website that netted me a boyfriend. This relationship, however has been testing of my willingness to allow God and His timing for everything to continue. This relationship is a long distance style relationship. He lives about 3 hrs away, working such long hours that are just difficult for me to wrap my head around. I have to continually remind myself that my boyfriend has said that he has had hectic days for the last couple of weeks and that God is in control of this.
Then around Thanksgiving, God (finally) showed me some progress in the working on my son, that He has been doing. I received a response from my son, minutes after I sent him a message. That is the first time that he has responded to anything that I sent him. Then I threw out an invitation for Christmas plus a "Merry Christmas" and a "Happy New Year", this morning I received a "Happy New Year and a late "Merry Christmas" from him. I was in mild tears and very grateful to hear from him. Just that little bit shows me that God is working, and that some time very soon there will be reconciliation. I still have to be patient, wait on God and do or say what He wants when He wants me to. I know that I can't be too excited and pester my son because that will drive him away.
Then yesterday, at church, I received some news that I haven't really digested, yet. I have been attending a "church plant" that has been in a home. Now, the couple informed me that they will be moving to a town about an hour away from me. Interesting because someone else that I have been close to, has started a church in that same town, but haven't sold their house, yet. What is interesting about this is; I have been feeling a bit unsettled, like I need to be getting rid of things that I don't need. Mind you, I live in a one bedroom apartment and I really don't have too much that I don't need, yet I do. Kind of, have been ignoring that urge, but I know that I can't ignore it for too long. I have a feeling that a change is coming, just not sure when, but my suspicion is marriage, just don't know that for sure when. Regardless, I need to be obedient and get rid of what I don't want or need. What's even more interesting is; that when I moved into this place, I said that this was the last time that I move-with the caveat of my getting married. Oh and by the way, getting married really hasn't been on my radar - its been my desire but not on my radar, til last September.
I am really believing, praying and hoping that 2017 holds some really awesomely good changes for me and even my family.
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