11/23/16 -- The day before Thanksgiving and I have been sort of reflecting on a few things that have recently happened that I am thankful for. 1) That I am still on the this earth, 2) because God "had me on his shoulders thru all my brokenness" 3) for the fact that I now have a BoyFriend (still sort of sounds strange to say) 4) My son is interested in reconciliation - he has told me himself.
Those are only a few things, I can most definitely go on and on about the things that I am thankful for, that go back 2 years ago.
For instance: 1) Thankful for the counselor that I was paired with in the very beginning of my Counseling need. 2) for the very few selected friends that prayed with me, and persuaded me to allow her to call the Pastor of the church I was attending, and having him call me 3) For the drawing of the Lord, to get closer and closer to Him 4) that He was there for me as I clung to Him because that I all I could barely do. 5) for me finally allowing Him to help me understand that I cannot finish anything concerning my son that I have to trust Him, 6) His wonderful mercies, patience and never ending love. 7) God never letting go of me thru my fear, struggles or unbelief and lack of trust. I know that I was stubborn in many areas because I just couldn't get it.
You don't have to wait til Thanksgiving to be thankful, we should always be Thankful for different things every year. There are always people in your life that want to be there for you, the question is; will you let them?
Yes there are things in my life that have been difficult; like my dad has been put into a nursing home. This man is someone who I never, in a million years, thought about going so soon if not at all.
My mom is struggling with the different things attributed to that because she didn't know anything about certain things about the household finances. I have been dealing with a constant headache due to the added stress of my job not providing all I need to live off of.......I could go on and on but I don't want to because focussing on all negative stuff when my God is way bigger than all that stuff put together. My needs will be met somehow so long as my eyes remain on Him and not myself or how I would solve those problems.
I have been working thru a new and different Bible study with a couple of women from the Church I am attending and it is wonderful. I have been thru a number of different Bible Studies but this one is way different and for this season in my life, I know that I am going to glean more from this one. Plus, this is a much smaller setting then in the past ones.
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Saturday, November 19, 2016
This song is called "Shoulders" by For King and Country.
This song is the theme to what I am labeling as the worst time in my life. This song speaks to the fact that God does care and He will and does go with us thru our hard times, Sometimes to the point of carrying us thru our hard time, or at least a part of it, if needed.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Many things
11/7/16 -- So many things that go on in my mind, sometimes and it just blows my mind. This man that I can call "mine" is something quite special, I know that I have never experienced anything like it.
This man makes me feel so special by all the things he says to me and even more so when he can make to my place, for a couple hours. This man work 13 hours a day during the week, plus 9 hours+ on Saturday so Sunday is the only time that he can doing anything around his house and come to see me. There have been a few times that he has sacrificed normal sleep to make it to me to spend a couple hours, then end up not leaving when he wants to so then he is sacrificing more sleep before having to be to work the next morning. Those types of things really make me feel special.
Now, I think that there is one thing that a number of men if not most men have this thing about not letting you know when plans have changed. He knows that I look forward to seeing him on Sundays and yet twice now, due to illness with his Aunt, he couldn't make it but forgot to let me know that something changed and he wasn't going to make it. So, the biggest part of the day yesterday, I was worried about him because I hadn't heard from him at all, til finally around 7ish pm. Once I heard from him then I finally relaxed because I then new he was ok, but by that time I had figured out that he wasn't going to make it and that something had obviously come up, but not knowing was driving me nuts, as far as, whether it involved him directly or what. I guess that means that I really do love and care about him. I am in such new territory for me that I just am not quite sure what to do and that is a pleasant feeling.
Now, I have one thing that is just not letting go, even tho things seems to have settled down somewhat concerning my dad; the stress level for me seems to be up enough to cause my headache to return on daily basis. Since my dad ended up in the hospital, the second time, I have had a headache that won't go away. Unfortunately, this is the same type of headache that I was dealing with for two years but thankfully it isn't quite as bad, yet I still have to manage it with the medications that I have til I get the next round for the 360 nerve block. The next appointment for that nerve block is the end of the month.
With all the things that I have dealt with over the last two years; it is so wonderful to have a very positive thing happening in my life. To have a man in my life is so unexpected and so scary but I want to move forward because I am enjoying the way that he makes me feel. We have even been talking about marriage, which seems so quick for me, the quickest that I have ever experienced but not that I have ever heard of.
This man makes me feel so special by all the things he says to me and even more so when he can make to my place, for a couple hours. This man work 13 hours a day during the week, plus 9 hours+ on Saturday so Sunday is the only time that he can doing anything around his house and come to see me. There have been a few times that he has sacrificed normal sleep to make it to me to spend a couple hours, then end up not leaving when he wants to so then he is sacrificing more sleep before having to be to work the next morning. Those types of things really make me feel special.
Now, I think that there is one thing that a number of men if not most men have this thing about not letting you know when plans have changed. He knows that I look forward to seeing him on Sundays and yet twice now, due to illness with his Aunt, he couldn't make it but forgot to let me know that something changed and he wasn't going to make it. So, the biggest part of the day yesterday, I was worried about him because I hadn't heard from him at all, til finally around 7ish pm. Once I heard from him then I finally relaxed because I then new he was ok, but by that time I had figured out that he wasn't going to make it and that something had obviously come up, but not knowing was driving me nuts, as far as, whether it involved him directly or what. I guess that means that I really do love and care about him. I am in such new territory for me that I just am not quite sure what to do and that is a pleasant feeling.
Now, I have one thing that is just not letting go, even tho things seems to have settled down somewhat concerning my dad; the stress level for me seems to be up enough to cause my headache to return on daily basis. Since my dad ended up in the hospital, the second time, I have had a headache that won't go away. Unfortunately, this is the same type of headache that I was dealing with for two years but thankfully it isn't quite as bad, yet I still have to manage it with the medications that I have til I get the next round for the 360 nerve block. The next appointment for that nerve block is the end of the month.
With all the things that I have dealt with over the last two years; it is so wonderful to have a very positive thing happening in my life. To have a man in my life is so unexpected and so scary but I want to move forward because I am enjoying the way that he makes me feel. We have even been talking about marriage, which seems so quick for me, the quickest that I have ever experienced but not that I have ever heard of.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
A bit of a Struggle
11/3/16 -- So, day number 4 of the 1st full week of not working. I really don't like this not working thing, and not knowing how to go about getting a job. I do have a couple of "feelers" out but still don't know what to do or think, yet. I had use some savings, I only had a little put back for taxes and had to use some of it to put towards a couple of bills that I don't want to lose and one not quite yet. There is one of my bills that am going to be cutting my cable bill, keep the internet. I have an idea on using a digital version that I will only have to pay to about $20 a month. I think that I found something that i will be able to watch the main networks that I watch including football, both major league and college.
I ended up putting in a request with my church, to see if there is anything they can do to help me out to keep my bills paid on. Just something to keep me from being cancelled.
I took the children and the young mom to AWANA with me last night, she talked about the possibility of me working a couple of days next week and maybe tomorrow, to which I said sure. She is also wanting to maybe have her fiancee shorten his family leave to 3 weeks, which would be helpful to me. I am really trying to rely on God to provide, yet this is the one area where my faith really struggles with. To be without a job and having my dad in the state that he is in, just isn't helping my stress level and therefore my headache has returned to a pretty much daily, not completely going away, presence again. However, not as bad as when it first set in, but nonetheless it is there. The thing that I don't like is that this headache makes me tired, to top it off the medication that I take for the headache also makes me tired: being tired due to the headache and the medication to manage it means that I am napping when I hadn't been. I have to wait now, for the appointment with the pain management Dr. that is in a couple of weeks.
It really sucks that my body will only allow me to work the way that I used to plus I really don't want to work in retail again. I really want to stick with childcare, because I really enjoy taking care of children. To be honest, I was and am hoping to return to the same family that I have been working with. I really believe that I was put in among this family for a reason and that reason is the young woman, of which I can relate to, I have been thru some of what she is dealing with. I know that I will be leaving her soon, not sure how soon, as in there is marriage in my future which then means that I will most likely be moving to where he has a house. Off course, I am hoping that a better job with less consuming hours will come his way so that he isn't working so many long days. Any way, this young woman really needs and wants my help and we have been become friends so I do want to help. To be somewhat completely honest, I don't believe that her fiancee is being as helpful as he told me that he want to be. However, I am not completely surprised, either. We will see.
My mental state is pretty ok, pretty decent I would say. I am not allowing anything negative to even remotely come close to play games with me. I do have a counseling appt at the end of the month, if needed. I had one tomorrow but I cancelled it because I just saw my counselor, last week so I don't deem it necessary to see her again, so soon. I think that is a very good thing and I am sure that my first Counselor, and the second one would be very please at how far that I have come. I believe that I am proof that anyone can completely recover from depression and even deep depression. All that you have to do is reach out, or be cooperative if someone makes the call for you, talk honestly with the counselor, do what the counselor says, take any and all the medication that you might me prescribed and I fully believe that you can recover. I have done exactly that, I talked honestly with my counselor, processed all that we discussed and he suggested, and employed all different techniques that my counselor suggested plus including my own from my pastor and a very few close friends. Please don't be someone who depends only on the medication or repeatedly go to counseling and not do what is suggested by him/her. There are good counselors out there, some might even be at your local clinic, that is where my were and still are. They don't plant ideas in your head they let you talk and ask questions to provoke you to think more internally and examine so that you can find whatever might me troubling you, the key is allowing yourself to deal with the pain and being able to move past it. My counselor pointed out something very enlightening and that is that I only spent 1 hour every week or every two weeks with him, but many more hours of that time I did all the work myself, of getting better.
According to my second counselor, it is possible to completely recover from the verge of suicide and deep depression, it all depends on you or in my case, me. Since I was pretty darn determined to never experience that blackness ever again, I did all that I could along with renewing my faith in God to get me thru to this point in my life. After finally getting to the place where I decided I was "done" being "stuck" is when everything else just seem to fall into place. That is when I decided to get on a dating site or two and when I met the man of whom I am "seeing" from the second dating site
I ended up putting in a request with my church, to see if there is anything they can do to help me out to keep my bills paid on. Just something to keep me from being cancelled.
I took the children and the young mom to AWANA with me last night, she talked about the possibility of me working a couple of days next week and maybe tomorrow, to which I said sure. She is also wanting to maybe have her fiancee shorten his family leave to 3 weeks, which would be helpful to me. I am really trying to rely on God to provide, yet this is the one area where my faith really struggles with. To be without a job and having my dad in the state that he is in, just isn't helping my stress level and therefore my headache has returned to a pretty much daily, not completely going away, presence again. However, not as bad as when it first set in, but nonetheless it is there. The thing that I don't like is that this headache makes me tired, to top it off the medication that I take for the headache also makes me tired: being tired due to the headache and the medication to manage it means that I am napping when I hadn't been. I have to wait now, for the appointment with the pain management Dr. that is in a couple of weeks.
It really sucks that my body will only allow me to work the way that I used to plus I really don't want to work in retail again. I really want to stick with childcare, because I really enjoy taking care of children. To be honest, I was and am hoping to return to the same family that I have been working with. I really believe that I was put in among this family for a reason and that reason is the young woman, of which I can relate to, I have been thru some of what she is dealing with. I know that I will be leaving her soon, not sure how soon, as in there is marriage in my future which then means that I will most likely be moving to where he has a house. Off course, I am hoping that a better job with less consuming hours will come his way so that he isn't working so many long days. Any way, this young woman really needs and wants my help and we have been become friends so I do want to help. To be somewhat completely honest, I don't believe that her fiancee is being as helpful as he told me that he want to be. However, I am not completely surprised, either. We will see.
My mental state is pretty ok, pretty decent I would say. I am not allowing anything negative to even remotely come close to play games with me. I do have a counseling appt at the end of the month, if needed. I had one tomorrow but I cancelled it because I just saw my counselor, last week so I don't deem it necessary to see her again, so soon. I think that is a very good thing and I am sure that my first Counselor, and the second one would be very please at how far that I have come. I believe that I am proof that anyone can completely recover from depression and even deep depression. All that you have to do is reach out, or be cooperative if someone makes the call for you, talk honestly with the counselor, do what the counselor says, take any and all the medication that you might me prescribed and I fully believe that you can recover. I have done exactly that, I talked honestly with my counselor, processed all that we discussed and he suggested, and employed all different techniques that my counselor suggested plus including my own from my pastor and a very few close friends. Please don't be someone who depends only on the medication or repeatedly go to counseling and not do what is suggested by him/her. There are good counselors out there, some might even be at your local clinic, that is where my were and still are. They don't plant ideas in your head they let you talk and ask questions to provoke you to think more internally and examine so that you can find whatever might me troubling you, the key is allowing yourself to deal with the pain and being able to move past it. My counselor pointed out something very enlightening and that is that I only spent 1 hour every week or every two weeks with him, but many more hours of that time I did all the work myself, of getting better.
According to my second counselor, it is possible to completely recover from the verge of suicide and deep depression, it all depends on you or in my case, me. Since I was pretty darn determined to never experience that blackness ever again, I did all that I could along with renewing my faith in God to get me thru to this point in my life. After finally getting to the place where I decided I was "done" being "stuck" is when everything else just seem to fall into place. That is when I decided to get on a dating site or two and when I met the man of whom I am "seeing" from the second dating site
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
A Good Day
10/31/16 -- I had a pretty good day, yesterday. I did the normal Sunday thing, go to church (still very important to me) ate lunch afterwards, then about 1:30pm went home. I ended up dealing with a headache that I had for quite a few days. I ended up taking some medication to help reduce the pain.
By mid-afternoon, I couldn't take it anymore, I messaged my Boyfriend (that still sound so strange for me to say) to find out what was going on, and to see if he was going to come to visit. He did finally answer saying that he had been on the road to me for awhile. Needless to say, I was beyond excited. I couldn't wait to see him, it had been two weeks but it felt like longer than that.
When he finally got here and into my apartment; I just got the most excellent greeting. He pretty much immediately began kissing and hugging me. What a greeting, I guess that meant that he missed me. I think that his intention was to be to my place earlier but he worked later than normal, on Saturday, then he crashed, fell asleep. Poor guy, after a few minutes of talking and relaxing he fell asleep, he did that a couple of times. I don't mind, tho because the means that he feels comfortable enough to fall asleep. His time to leave came way too soon, he has a long drive. When he was about to leave we started talking about things that he can't eat. I found out one very important thing about him and that he is allergic, pretty much deathly allergic to anything dairy. If we were to get married (which is being talked about) i would drastically change the way I make some things. I also I would have to cook less red meat and pork, it seems that his body just doesn't like it when he consumes it. That pretty much leaves fish and chicken, and turkey, altho I am not a huge fan of turkey not even the ground stuff, but I can learn to like it. The dairy allergy is something that I really have to pay attention because he could get sick by kissing me right after I consume anything that had dairy in it. Things like butter, sour cream, cream cheese, ice cream, and cheese. So, when I know that he is coming I have to be careful. I don't want to do anything that would send him to the hospital let alone a two week recovery.
Now, I have one issue that is adding to my headache problem. My dad's health issues and add to that not having a job. The family that I was working with ran into a mental/medical issue for the mom; which meant that the dad ended up taking FMLA 6mos long, then after that he has a 2wk vacation that takes him into January. So, consequently I am now jobless. I have zero idea what exactly what I am going to do.
By mid-afternoon, I couldn't take it anymore, I messaged my Boyfriend (that still sound so strange for me to say) to find out what was going on, and to see if he was going to come to visit. He did finally answer saying that he had been on the road to me for awhile. Needless to say, I was beyond excited. I couldn't wait to see him, it had been two weeks but it felt like longer than that.
When he finally got here and into my apartment; I just got the most excellent greeting. He pretty much immediately began kissing and hugging me. What a greeting, I guess that meant that he missed me. I think that his intention was to be to my place earlier but he worked later than normal, on Saturday, then he crashed, fell asleep. Poor guy, after a few minutes of talking and relaxing he fell asleep, he did that a couple of times. I don't mind, tho because the means that he feels comfortable enough to fall asleep. His time to leave came way too soon, he has a long drive. When he was about to leave we started talking about things that he can't eat. I found out one very important thing about him and that he is allergic, pretty much deathly allergic to anything dairy. If we were to get married (which is being talked about) i would drastically change the way I make some things. I also I would have to cook less red meat and pork, it seems that his body just doesn't like it when he consumes it. That pretty much leaves fish and chicken, and turkey, altho I am not a huge fan of turkey not even the ground stuff, but I can learn to like it. The dairy allergy is something that I really have to pay attention because he could get sick by kissing me right after I consume anything that had dairy in it. Things like butter, sour cream, cream cheese, ice cream, and cheese. So, when I know that he is coming I have to be careful. I don't want to do anything that would send him to the hospital let alone a two week recovery.
Now, I have one issue that is adding to my headache problem. My dad's health issues and add to that not having a job. The family that I was working with ran into a mental/medical issue for the mom; which meant that the dad ended up taking FMLA 6mos long, then after that he has a 2wk vacation that takes him into January. So, consequently I am now jobless. I have zero idea what exactly what I am going to do.
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