Present Day

11/29/14 -- I have to admit something:  I really wasn't looking forward to Thanksgiving and I am not looking forward to the other holidays that are coming up.  My son and I had some traditions that we used to do and I was hoping that we would be able to some how carry on at least one of the traditions.  It kind of is a good thing that I am on some of these medications because I am not wanting to buy alcohol to drink. I do want to drink some, but I know that drinking wouldn't be a good idea with meds that I am taking.  I am not the kind of person that does things despite what the doctor or pharmacist says not to do.  Not only that but I also know that drinking really wouldn't solve any problems, they will still be there in the morning. I just have never understood the point in drinking til your drunk, been around people who have done it, don't get it. Anyway.

   I did have a great time at my friend M's house for Thanksgiving, I spent the night and came home yesterday afternoon.  I just didn't want to leave right after dinner and drive while it was dark, and still it was thanksgiving.  I am so grateful that my friends treat me like family because my son, who is my immediate family, treats me likes an enemy.  That really sucks and is uncalled for!   

  Please forgive me if you don't like that I bring my beliefs into this, but for me, I have too because my beliefs are what help me.  Everyone has something or someone they believe in, for me it is Jesus Christ.  He has helped me so far and I know he will help the rest of the way.  I won't preach at you or shove my belief down your throat, this is just my story thru my depression/suicidal thoughts/depression and working through this crazy mess that has become my life for this season.  I have to say that having friends that stand by you no matter what. tI really does help to help to have someone to call, text, or email to say hey " I am struggling with this or that" so they can encourage you or get you additional help if there is that need.  

    When I got to M's house, on their front door they have a sign that says:  "This house is guarded by the Mastiff security Patrol" I think, something along that line. They have two English Mastiffs, girls. Those two dogs are something else. They like to play but you don't want to get two 100lb dogs all wound up, trust me. You will be flattened! Lol! When I sit on their couch I pretty much have to take off my glasses, at first, because Emma, will want to play. She really likes me, she lay next to me and just let me pet her.

    I have to say, I really didn't want to leave M's house but because I have responsibilities that I have to take care of, I had to, plus they were going to visit his dad before he underwent back surgery.  Also, my mom is planning on coming up so I had to come home. Reality just sucks, but that is where my belief in God comes in and my friends come in because between those two things they are a big help to me.

   That picture above is of my Bear cat, he is 14 years old and about 18lb  he is such a big baby.  He purrs like rolling motor or something.  He is my boy, I tell you, I don't know what I would do without him and Penni girl, the little kitty, when I come home.

Emotions

11/25/14 -- [7/20/14] Not only was I suppose to go to church because I had something to give to somebody but my mom was coming up to spend some time with me.  Whenever she comes up we always go out to lunch then back to my place to talk for a while.  I was really struggling with seeing all those people, but I did know that my son and family weren't going to be in town, which is unfortunate for them because that was part of why mom was coming up.
   My emotions are just so close to the surface right now that I wasn't sure just how I would react around all those people.  I have been extremely careful to not put anything on Facebook, as a matter of fact, I hadn't been I facebook much at all during the course of the worst of this.  
   So many things that I just didn't understand;  why I hurt so much, why my heart felt like it was broken, why my son rejected me, the one who brought him into this world and raised him alone, gave him everything that I possibly could without totally spoiling him rotten.  How I ended up in such a deep hole that I can but barely see the light and I do mean barely.  I can't even concentrate on the Word of God, let alone get a decent night of sleep.  The fact that I have considered taking my own life, even had a method, rather than confront and deal with this kind of pain; is something else that just blows my mind.
Emotional pain is sooooo much more painful than physical pain.  I can handle a lot of physical pain with exception to headaches, but emotional pain sure is a whole different ball game!  I had absolutely no idea just how painful a broken heart could be.  I thought I did when my ex husband rejected me, in the bedroom, after becoming pregnant and after having his child but that was nothing compared to this rejection!  Being rejection by your own child is pain like no other!  
   I after I bought these sweet notebooks, I started writing everything down.  I was able to write again.  The words just began to flow and flow, it was hard to stop at first.  I even ordered my favorite ink pens from the website so that I could have many different colors like I like to have when I journal.  It really helped to be able to write down all my feelings, it was an alternate way to vent my feelings since I really didn't have anyone to express them to, in my apartment.

New Experience

11/24/14 -- {7/18/14}  I don't think I have ever been so glad to get home as I was that day, from shopping.  I have heard plenty of stories from people that have experienced panic attacks but I, myself, have never experienced one, before today.  That was the strangest experience ever.  My heart was racing, I just had this urgent need to bolt out of the store.  Thankfully I was done with my shopping, it just meant that I wasn't going to be getting anything extra, I went directly to the check out, paid for my stuff and left.  I didn't even go to F&F to get some stuff for my kitties like I wanted because I just couldn't bring myself to go into another store.
    When I got home, I sat down and collected myself, and made a mental note to make sure that I mention it to my Psychiatrist and Therapist to see what they thought about the experience.
  At the very same time I was experiencing this panic attack, I received a text from a special young friend, C, requesting that I help at her wedding reception.  That request caused me to actually to take a step back and reread the text, it brought tears to my eyes.  To this day, she has absolutely no idea how much that simple request meant to me. We, texted back and for a few then I headed out of the store, of course, after paying for the stuff I went in there to get.  This young lady has been awesome to watch blossom in her growth in the Lord and as a young lady. Then, to watch as a relationship between a special man and her grows and blossoms ultimately culminating in a very beautiful marriage has been awesome.
The marriage ceremony was the first one in a very long time where the bride was actually veiled.  It's almost as if the "veiled bride" as gone out of fashion, which I think that is something that should always be a long standing tradition.   (Sorry, I did jump a little too far ahead)
   One of the major struggles that I had, for a number of days -- especially on the 4th of July when I saw that dumb picture; I wanted to gather everything I have in my place, pertaining to somebody, and dump it all where they would see it.  Seeing some of them every day seriously causes me pain, I really didn't know what to do about it.

The Present day

11/22/14 -- So it is Saturday, before Thanksgiving; I had a visit with my Therapist this past Monday and I wasn't sure what I was going to do for Thanksgiving because my dad said "no" to my invitation to do dinner on that day.   My mom has to work and she did warn me that he may say "no", but I was hoping that if I did the inviting he might say " yes" but no. Well, my dad said "no", needless to say, even though I wasn't surprised, I was and honestly still am feeling bummed.  

     So anyway, I am at work earlier this week when I get text from my friend M, inviting me to their place for Thanksgiving dinner; when I saw that text I actually got tears in my eyes. We texted back and forth for a few minutes.  I don't know why but sometimes I am blown away when someone tells me they miss me, who isn't my family.  At the same time it hurts like heck that my own family does seem to miss me. (My son and family)

    Right now, as I sit here typing this out I am actually struggling with the stuff that I have to do today. However, this time I can't not do the stuff this week because it simply has to be done. I have to grocery shop for food and for the Samaritan's Purse Christmas box, so I have no choice to go do what I gotta do, today.

    I woke up with a headache despite having taken the Topamax last night, I also have taken the medication this morning but the headache is still in my head but not just not all that intense, which a good thing.  The headache have been figured out, at least in my mind as long term stress related. So, the Topamax is helping to keep the headache in check. [ I will fill you in on the whole headache story later]

   Well, I got my stuff done. Fought thru a little bit of tears right before going into Aldi's. I was able to get pretty much everything at Aldi's, which is always nice, I did for get to get pork chops so had to get them at Pick-n-Save. Being single is also what makes this tough, I think. I am not particularly fond of being single.

After Counselling Session

11/20/14 -- [7/18/14]  I felt somewhat better after the counselling session with both Pastors and the therapist.  I was actually feeling like there was I teeny tiny light at the end of the looonnng tunnel.  I still felt like I was clawing my way out of a deeeep hole like tunnel that I could kind of see a speck of light at the top of now.  However, I was not looking forward to the weekend. I did make a stupid move, and make a commitment to going to church so that I could give Mrs. S something that I made for their family.  I say stupid, because I really didn't want to go to church, but I made the commitment so I had to go.  I really had a battle about going to church, cause I new that I would see some people that I wasn't too thrilled about seeing, with exception to some special children.  I do love a number of children, so there a some very special children that I have missed seeing in my absence from church.
  I text my friend L expressing my struggle with going to church on Sunday, she did encourage me and said that I could sit with her except for the fact that she was going to the early service because she had to work.  I told her that I couldn't back out because I had told someone that I was bringing something for them, so I had to come.  She said good. Good for her maybe, is what I was thinking, the only real good thing, I was thinking is that I would get to see my grandchildren.  
   Saturday, just before all the school supplies went on sale, I went to Shopko with the intentions of purchasing a notebook or two for journaling but really couldn't find what I was looking for.  Not sure what that was, at first any way.  I went back to the rest of the school supply section that I knew was set up in the back of the store and started looking at all the notebooks.  Low and behold I discovered some animal printed notebooks of four different patterns, I ended up coming home with 3 out of ended up being 6 designs.  After the conversations that I had with the Pastors and the Counselor, it was like the floodgates opened up, I was able to write in my journal again.  Being able to write in my journal again was very helpful because it help to unload everything going on in my mind.  I still ended up watching Mythbusters alot on netflix because I still was really struggling and Mythbusters helped to distract me from dwelling on the issues that weighed heaviest on my heart, especially since I couldn't do anything about it anyway.
  As I was out shopping, I had made another stop at a grocery store after Shopko, I had to pick up a few things.  I had just picked up the last thing on my list when I had what I felt like was a panic attack.  I just had this great, absolute need, to leave the store, like NOW, thankfully I was on my way to the check out, then anyway.  I have never had a panic attack before, but have heard of other people having them, so what I felt was like what I had heard described to me.  I didn't even have the nerve to go to Farm and Fleet to pick up something for my furballs, that's how freaked out I was about it.

Meeting the Counselor

11/19/14 -- {7/17/14} The meeting between the two Pastors went well, I left feeling somewhat better having unloaded my burden, yet sad because my son backed out so no resolution had happened.  The child I brought with me was relieved that I was done, he was ready to go home, the meeting went longer than I expected.  I was still stunned at how patient the Pastor was and how much he availed himself to me, just one of his many sheep in his flock (congregation) by letting me text him at any time and calling me whenever he had time and I requested it.
     My boss got home from work in just enough time for me to make it to my appointment at 6pm, to see my counselor for the first time.  His name is J. B., not sure if he is a "dr" or not but either way I like him.  It was very helpful to unload all the emotion and heartache to him and he gave a perspective that no one else gave, which, for me is much needed.
   J. B., my counselor, is very nice and understanding.  Not only that but extremely good at picking up subtle changes in facial expressions when telling a story or experience, and having you relate those feeling at the time of the particular detail in the story.  He was very comforting and helpful, he likes to end every session with a joke or something to make you smile or laugh.  He gave me an assignment, at the end of our first session which was to come up with 5 things a day to be grateful for, til our next session.  He gave the technical explanation for it, but I totally get the reason for beyond the technical reasoning.  I did my best to do that, there were some days that it was easy and some days not so much.  At the end, as we were walking out and down the hall, he said that his professional feelings can't be hurt and that if I didn't want to stick with him he was ok with that,  I told him that I was perfectly fine with him.  I told him that I needed a male opinion on what is going on because I have plenty of female input (nothing against my female friends) but it is good to have some male objective opinions and input as well.   That is why I don't mind when friend L talks to her hubby R about what I spoke to her about because whatever input he has is greatly appreciated, plus whenever he's within earshot of our conversations and has any opinion I truly don't mind that he interjects because he is a guy and he has a different perspective on things that we as women do.
   Before leaving the Behavioral Health department I had to make a series of appointments with J.B. to help me sort out all this garbage.  Boy, after walking out of that building, I tell you I felt as if some weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  I had spoken to two Pastors and a Counselor.  I could actually feel the "fog" in my mind lifting.  I was even making plans on purchasing a notebook or two so that I could start journaling again, after I got paid.

Getting Started with The Help

11/18/14 -- {7/17/14} Today is the day that I have 2 meetings, one with 2 Pastors and what I am hoping is my son and wife.  Even tho earlier in the week, one Pastor and his family had stopped by to give me something (can't remember now) he mentioned that my son had backed out.  I was still, like a dummy, holding out some kind of hope that he would show.
   I was at work, so I had to bring the young man with me, and he sat just outside the secretary's office, with their door ajar.  When I went in, both Pastors were there and no son. I guess I wasn't too surprised.  
   So, I sat down in the Pastor's office and filled him in on what had been going on.  The second Pastor was already in the loop on something but had not been up to speed on recent events.  The meeting lasted 1 1/2 hrs. I was quite surprised at how much the Pastor was open and wanted to listen and he was willing to make himself available.  I already am in the know with second Pastor and his family.  He has 6 little children, including 1 pair of beautiful twin girls.  Interacting with these children is the joy of my life, especially since I can't have the joy of interacting with my granddaughters.  The second Pastor and his family I totally enjoy spending time with altho this part of the summer they haven't been around much so I was really left out and lonely.  It felt really good to unload all that I had been carrying with me, altho the Pastor didn't want to overstep his bounds because he knew that I had a therapy appt. later that evening.  Between the two of them, they gave me some sound advice, and pledged their prayer and support throughout this ordeal.  The Pastor also said that I could email or call/text him anytime I was have issues or feeling like I wanted to drive into a semi again.  The second Pastor even took a quick break to go out and check on the young man that I had brought with me.  We were winding things up.  The Pastor had me look at a couple of scripture in the Bible and then we ended the same way we began, with a prayer.  I totally felt better.
            I am going to back up a couple of days, I just happened to remember that the second Pastor and his family stopped by to give me something (can't remember what) I hadn't seen them pretty much all summer. The second Pastor's wife was driving, so she rolls the back window down so I could see the rest of the family, because I had asked if the rest of them were with them. I said I "hi" to the girls, their little boy was snoozing.  They were all excited to see me, the twins were, especially.  They were on their way to the fair, but a couple of the girls had gotten in trouble, so they weren't going to get any cheese curds at the fair. I figured out who it was, it was the oldest and one of the twins.  Just as they were getting ready to pull away and go to the fair, the twin that was already in trouble, unbuckled herself, got out of her seat, came to the window, to give me a hug and a kiss.  The second oldest also came to the window to give me a kiss and hug.  The other twin didn't want to get into trouble so I blew her a kiss, told the oldest good bye, and waived a the boy, who by this time was awake.  They were just the dose of pick me up that I needed.  Those little ones always have a way of making me smile, regardless of the frame of mind that I am in.
After they drove away, I had a little bit of a smile on my face, yet a little down because the second Pastor had warned me that my son had backed out of the meeting that we were to have in two days.

Continuing the piece pick up

11/18/14 -- [The week of 7/13/14] I do have my journal now to help me remember things that happened during the week after my first ever melt down.  Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday are kind of a blur, I just really remember going to work everyday struggling to make thru work.  My boss really had no idea what was doing on.  I put on a real good show that all was ok.  Thankfully I didn't have to deal with schooling the child yet, but I was giving him a 2 hr a day break from his electronics that he would play on from the moment he woke up in the morning til break time in the afternoon.  So, I would take a, sort of, siesta, while the child was down in the basement playing with all his other toys.  This child is 9 and I could still hear everything that was going on, I was always still completely aware of what was going on and where he was at all times.  

     I do remember an email exchange with the Pastor that was setting up a meeting that at first was suppose to be the Pastor, myself the other Pastor, my son and his wife but my son back out, so it ended up going to be me and the two Pastors, on the same day as my first counseling session with Dr. J. B.  which was to be Thursday.

     My reason for getting up everyday was work.  I really enjoy taking care of this child.  Even tho my true passion is littler ones, I do enjoy helping his dad take care of him while he is at work.  The drive home was always the challenge, outside of driving to work tired and struggling to stay awake because of the lack of a solid night of sleep. The drive home I was still plagued with thoughts of driving into semis, yet that desire wasn't as strong because I knew that people are poised and ready to help me and they truly care.

     I was really struggling with figuring out simple things like what to eat for lunches at work, and suppers at home.  I really didn't care about whether my apt was clean or not.  I was even struggling with reading my bible everyday.  The one thing the I really enjoy is journaling,  I was having a difficult time writing in my journal, which was definitely not a normal thing for me, but wasn't ,much I could do about it.  When you can't write, you can't write. 

   I do also emailing my friend M back and forth, she was a constant source of encouragement as was my friend L, we texted quite frequently and she started having me out to her place for dinner, after work, on a regular basis.   She actually felt bad that we had fallen out of touch due to the business of the her work and the summer's activities.  I did feel quite alone 

   When I got home at night I would do whatever for supper then watch Mythbusters til it was time for bed.  Go to bed and wake up the next day and start the cycle all over again.  It was just an over all struggle to get thru each and every day.  When it got close to the weekend that was the worst.

Saturday, Sunday

11/17/14 -- {7/12/14}The rest of Saturday after the Pastor called went by in a blur.  My other Friend L did call sometime later that day or evening, I honestly can't remember.  I really had a difficult time focusing on many things during the course of the following several weeks.  I can't remember a lot partly because I don't want to now, and because it is a blur.  I will have to check my journal because it truly is a blur now, I really don't want to back there. It is too painful:  Too painful to think that I regarded my life so little, less than God does.  Yet, I do understand how a person can totally and completely can't see anything or anybody but the thing or person that caused the pain to begin with.  That is all I could see thru the "fog" in my mind was the person who I perceived as causing all this pain.  The emotional pain is still quite raw, even now 4 months later. Sunday {7/13/14}somehow I made it thru the night but not very well, cried myself to sleep again, and still not a very solid night sleep.
   I did not go to church again, didn't go to church last week either.  I was too much of a mess to go and I didn't want to run into my son or family, to painful.  The only thing that I do remember watching is Mythbusters on Netflix both on Saturday and Sunday. I pretty much either did that or slept while the tv was going because that is when I could sleep.  I had started to reach out to a very very small group of people, for help because I knew that I wouldn't be able to make thru this alone.  I did first reach out to my doctor who got the ball rolling for me to get the help I needed.  It then really was up to be to go from there and because I was afraid of where the path I was headed; So I started with my friend M from Janesville, the Psychiatrist then eventually councelor, my friend L, the Pastor and another Pastor.
     A little reality check here; I firmly believe that regardless of what or who you believe in it is extremely important to have a support system.  People that you trust to help, love and support you thru whatever tough time you might be going thru.  I firmly believe that if it wasn't for my doctor being alarmed at what I was telling him via email that I am not at all sure where I would be right now.
Not to mention all of my friends, by all, I mean a very small group of whom I trust that are supporting me.  I truly don't know if I would have driven into a semi or not, all I know is those thoughts terrified me, so I reached out.  I was told to go to the ER if I really thought that I would do something to hurt myself, too, so there are other avenues to get help.  I really don't care what people think because this truly is about me getting better, yet I also have to take steps to think outside myself because going there and dwelling too long isn't healthy.
  Life is valuable, it cannot be replaced. Once a life is gone, that life cannot be replaced.  Even though you, most likely cannot see how valuable your life is to the people around you, trust me, you are valuable.  I have discovered, as I have begun to slowly open up about the last 4 months, the genuine surprise, then encouragement I receive.
  

Saturday

11/15/14 -- {7/12/14}  I wake up early Saturday morning after very little sleep and just somehow make coffee and wait for my friend M from Janesville, she was due to arrive pretty early in the morning.  Since I didn't sleep very well anyway it did't matter that it was early.  She came with breakfast from macdonalds.  It was sooo nice to see her. We hugged and I cried on her shoulder for a few minutes before we sat down and talked for a few minutes.  It was nice to be able to sort of unload a little more despite the fact she is dealing with stuff in her own family.  She, unfortunately couldn't stay as long as either one of us wanted, she had to pick up one of her daughters at an event, here in town, then back to here hometown and take one of her other daughter daughters to another event. I really didn't want here to go, but she had to go.

     I pretty much couldn't function the whole day, I couldn't even think. I just waited on my loveseat for  the Pastor to call.  To be honest, I was quite surprised that he called the night before, despite what friend M said I was still surprised.  I guess I had a difficult time picturing Pastor truly wanting or having the time for someone like me.   Yet, around 11am Pastor did call!  He asked me a series of questions to get a feel of what is going on. I filled him as best as I could, on the phone, and he told me that I could keep his cell number so that if I ever feel like I want to drive into a semi that I could call him.  I was totally blown away, I never expected that at all.  He offered to set up a meeting with the 5 of us for next week, Thursday.  So, I had some, a glimmer of hope.

        I just didn't feel like doing anything today, [11/15/14] today just ended up being one of those down days. I don't why, I just woke up with a headache, a mild one, and not feeling like I wanted to do or go anywhere. I somehow/somewhere lost my desire to go and do the things that I planned on doing today. Feeling kinda bummed, cause what I was hoping would happen on thanksgiving isn't going to happen so now I don't know what I am going to do.  Took a nap, I did succeed in getting my bathroom and kitchen floors swept and mopped, but that is pretty much it.

Picking up The Pieces

11/14/14 -- {7/11/14} Not long after talking to my friend from Janesville, another friend called, she was on her way home (with her husband) she could hear how upset I was and she asked if I wanted to come to her place to spend that night.  I told her that it wouldn't be a good idea if I drove because of the state I was, in at that moment.  She then offered to come to spend that night at which point I just wasn't sure, she then she said she would call when she got home, in about 45 minutes. I told her that would be fine.  I was just in tears, a complete and total mess.  I have never felt so out of control with my emotions, in my life.  I just plain couldn't think clearly and I didn't know if wanted to be alone or have somebody with me, I just didn't know.
  What really was nice, was knowing that I was going to see my friend from Janesville the next morning.  I haven't seen her in like a year or something.  Then as I was waiting for the Pastor to call and my other friend to get home and call, there was a message that popped up on messenger from my daughter in-law's mom, saying that our granddaughters were there.  She said that I could come over and spend some time with them while they were there, after my making sure it was ok.  I got my shoes on and pulled myself together so quick, it wasn't funny!  That is just what I needed - it was just the dose of pick me up that God knew I needed to to get me thru the night and weekend. [ Forgive my short version spelling of some words, I do it on purpose.]
    My Daughter in-law's mom live just across the parking lot and across the yard of another apartment building from me, so I walked over there.  I don't think I ever walked anywhere so fast in my life, putting my ankle at risk. {I didn't care!}  I really just was so excited to get to see my granddaughters, I really needed to see them!  Their other grandma had absolutely no idea just how perfectly timed her message was.  My middle granddaughter ran up to me, she was thrilled to see me, so was her older sister.  They both gave me hugs and instantly included me in their play.  As soon as I got over there tho, I realized that I had forgotten the gifts that I had gotten them back in February, after valentines day.  The middle child asked if they could go and get the gifts, so I made sure it was ok if we walked back to my place to get them and come back, their other grandma said it was fine.  So, the three of us walk back to my place and they got their stuffed bears that I picked up for them, they saw my cats again.  They both express their desires to come back to my place to back and spend the night.  They remember when I had taken them to my favorite bakery and when we had done some baking together and they want to do that again.  I really didn't know what to say to them, other than I would talk to their parents.  
   We walked back to their other grandma's apt. and I hung out there for quite a while.  I received 2 phone calls while I was visiting with my granddaughters. One was the Pastor and the other was my other friend.  They both were thrilled that I was able to visit with my granddaughters and both said they would call me the next day, neither one kept me on the phone very long, not wanting to take from my time with my granddaughters.  That night was great!  Time really flew by that night, before we knew it was almost 11pm and the girls were getting tired, especially the youngest.  So, after getting my hugs and good nights from them I walked home, feeling somewhat better.  What perfect timing God has for me, just what I needed to get me thru the night, especially.
    When I got home I just cried, my granddaughters are so precious to me and I haven't been able to spend as much with them as I would like.  The issues between my son and I really have gotten in the way of my relationship with my granddaughters, including getting to know my baby granddaughter, which really sucks!  Not only that, but has affected me in a way that I never expected.

Continuing On

11/13/14 --(7/11/14) So, I made it to the Psychiatrist's office, just in time, she was about to send out the "cavalry" because of the miss-communication of time.  Any way,  Dr. J asked me a series of questions making sure that I would be ok at home.  She was evaluating my state of mind so as to determine if I was a danger to myself or needed to be admitted to the hospital.  After about an hour, she prescribed an anti depressant and had me set up a series of appointments with a therapists because her belief, along with my pcp (primary care provider) that medication of this nature and therapy work best together.  I got to tell you, I have never been in this state ever, it is the worst feeling ever, to feel so low, and in a fog that you can't think straight.  The only thing that I was able to do was get up and go to work every morning, the drives home were always consumed with thoughts of driving into semis or the bridge pylon that wasn't far from where my son lives.  My nights were terrible, composed of crying and lousy sleep.  I really wasn't looking forward to the weekend.
      I felt somewhat better after talking to Dr. J, however I was still afraid of being alone at home all night and then there was the weekend.  By the time I got home there was an email from my friend in Janesville.  She tried to get a hold of me but had the wrong number, so I emailed her the right number and she then called me.  Her and I talked for quite a while.  It was nice to talk to somebody about what was going on with me.  During the course of the conversation she asked if she could call the Pastor and let him know what was going on.  She told me a few personal things that her and her husband had experienced that the Pastor was able to help them through; that is why she thought it was appropriate to bring him into this now.  I gave her permission to call him and share with him the things that I shared with her and that he could call me.
    I slept better last night, no asthma attack interrupted sleep, about stinkin time. I was still nice and cozy and didn't want to get out of bed. This morning got off on a later start for work cause the boss went hunting, no apparent work, from the guy that he normally gets work from.  No, jobs for himself right now, either.  Oh well, no biggie, at least I get to work.  I like it kinda chilly but I don't like it cold. Oh well, such is life in the midwest.

Some Thoughts About All This

11/12/14 -- I have to say that as I was clawing my way out of the desire to kill myself which was the deepest I have ever been down the hole of depression that I have ever gotten, I never want to go there again!  The first time I ever experienced depression was when I was in the second year of not having a job and my son was due home from YWAM.  I can totally understand how a man can loose his sense of manhood, I guess when he loses his job.  Working to support your family, or in my case, myself and soon my son, at least til he decided what exactly he was going to do.  Anyway, I called my doctor when I felt myself going into a dark hole, he prescribed an anti depressant.  Not long after that was prescribed I got a job.  After a while I was able to get off that drug, which made me happy.  I    I was doing ok in my walk with God, not the greatest, I thought pretty good.
  Anyway,  I used to think that depression was extreme sadness and that the people who were supposedly depressed just had to "put there adult panties on and move on!"  Well, Now that I have been in a place where suicide is all that I thought about and I thought was my only avenue out of an extremely painful situation, that I just couldn't cope with any more.  I can totally understand people who do end up taking their lives because they just don't see any other way out.  The real sad thing is that people who take their lives don't feel they have others who are close enough to them or even comfortable with a doctor, nurse a school, teacher or somebody that they can say, hey I am really struggling with these thoughts of suicide, seriously, so that somebody can get them some help.  When I was having those thoughts I reached out to my doctor who got me the help I needed, they in turn made sure that I knew that I could go to the ER if for some reason I was really struggling at home.  Let me tell you there were a few times that I thought about it a time or two, but by that time my pastor was involved and I was able to call him, which I did, or I called a friend or two.
  I never thought in a million years I would be in a place where I would want to kill myself, I am still amazed that I ever got that low.  God really had something to teach me in all of this, boy has he been teaching me too.  As I continue with this journey you will see all that God showed me.

Being a Suicide Survivor - Dealing with Depression

11/12/14 -- Boy, I don't know about anybody else but I didn't want to get up this morning. I was nice and toasty warm in my bed, with clean sheets and a warm comforter on my bed.
   Ok, so now it is the 11th of July and I am talking to the triage nurse, on the phone, she is asking me questions about me state of mind and whether I had a method and a means to carry out the task of suicide. I did have a method but I was afraid of the weekend because I wasn't sure of being alone even though I knew that I wouldn't do anything stupid with anything that I had at home, but the drive home is what I was most concerned about.  So the nurse made an appointment for me that evening with the Psychiatrist, even though there was am miss-communication on the time, I was grateful that I was able to get in.  Although, I was also encouraged to get into the emergency room if I couldn't trust myself over the course of the weekend.  Also, during the course of the week, I reached out to a friend, who moved to Janesville, a couple of years ago, and I let her know what was going on with me.  Needless to say she was shocked.  We conversed back and forth via email that whole week and by Friday, at home she had asked for me cell number again so she could call me.
    I suppose I should go into some of the difficult things that lead to all of this stuff.  You see;  I raised my son alone, and we were pretty close.  I would go so far as to say that I was pretty blessed to have a closeness with my son that most single women raising young men don't get.  I did the best I could to raise him with a good Godly background and despite a few bumps along the way he turned out pretty darn good.  He spent two years in YWAM (Youth With A Mission) in LA)  A Youth Pastor at the Local Bible Church was very instrumental in my son's life in that particular stage.  I was (still am) very proud of my son yet the very young man that I raised is the the one that has totally rejected me not long after meeting, getting engaged then marrying his now wife.
   I also believe that I had some emotional instability that quite possibly was hormonal going on even though that never came out in any testing that was done, but given my age I guess I am pre menopausal which means that my hormones are changing so there were a lot of things going on.  Apparently, I was also dealing with depression still, something that I was diagnosed with during the time I was jobless, which was, close to, 2 year, period.  Dr. G put me on an anti-deppressant which ended up being temporary because not long after that I got a job, which helped greatly.  I had not taken the anti depressant for quite a long time just because I didn't need it anymore. 

Battling with Depression

11-11-14 --- I would like to start off by saying thank you to all the past and current members of our military for their service.
   Now,  it has been 4 months since I hit bottom.  Please bare with me I will back track and fill you in on how I got to where I am today.  I have been through a lot over the last several years which seem to culminate into me thinking about driving into semis or into a bridge pylon.  I have come a long way since then. I just recently thought about and set up this blog because I want to hopefully help someone who is in the same situation that I was in just 4 short months ago.  I also like to use different colors as I type so don't be surprised when you see different colors.
       I am  a suicide survivor!  I am very thankful that I didn't attempt it, although I am not sure how close I was to at least making 1 attempt.  I do know that the thoughts of driving into semis and into bridge pylons terrified me so I started communicating with my new primary care physician at the Local Clinic.  I don't know why but I felt more comfortable telling him then anyone else I know, but I did.  During the course the course of the week after of 4th of July, well actually I suppose I should back up a little further, huh?  :)
       My son and I have been having issues.  I am a single mom of one child, a boy, who is 23 and is married to a beautiful young woman who had 2 children when they met then got married, they now have a 1yr. old beautiful baby daughter.  My son and I have been having issues for quite some time.  At one point I thought we had worked things out after we had a meeting at a local restaurant.  However, I started getting suspicious when he wouldn't respond to my email requests to have the girls.  
     The 4th of the July comes and I knew they were having a get together and I wasn't invited, to rub it in (I felt) I saw I picture on facebook of their family in my son's backyard having a picnic!  That was the "straw that broke the camel's back".  That picture sent me into a tailspin down into a hole that I just couldn't get out of on my own.  I was able to go to work but on the way home was the issue and the weekends.  While at work I was conversing with my new doctor via mychart email.  He was very alarmed by my thoughts especially when he found out that I had a method.  During the course of that week, after the fourth, we chatted back and forth and by Friday someone in his office had connected me via landline with the triage nurse in the Behavioral Health department of the Local Clinic.