After Counselling Session

11/20/14 -- [7/18/14]  I felt somewhat better after the counselling session with both Pastors and the therapist.  I was actually feeling like there was I teeny tiny light at the end of the looonnng tunnel.  I still felt like I was clawing my way out of a deeeep hole like tunnel that I could kind of see a speck of light at the top of now.  However, I was not looking forward to the weekend. I did make a stupid move, and make a commitment to going to church so that I could give Mrs. S something that I made for their family.  I say stupid, because I really didn't want to go to church, but I made the commitment so I had to go.  I really had a battle about going to church, cause I new that I would see some people that I wasn't too thrilled about seeing, with exception to some special children.  I do love a number of children, so there a some very special children that I have missed seeing in my absence from church.
  I text my friend L expressing my struggle with going to church on Sunday, she did encourage me and said that I could sit with her except for the fact that she was going to the early service because she had to work.  I told her that I couldn't back out because I had told someone that I was bringing something for them, so I had to come.  She said good. Good for her maybe, is what I was thinking, the only real good thing, I was thinking is that I would get to see my grandchildren.  
   Saturday, just before all the school supplies went on sale, I went to Shopko with the intentions of purchasing a notebook or two for journaling but really couldn't find what I was looking for.  Not sure what that was, at first any way.  I went back to the rest of the school supply section that I knew was set up in the back of the store and started looking at all the notebooks.  Low and behold I discovered some animal printed notebooks of four different patterns, I ended up coming home with 3 out of ended up being 6 designs.  After the conversations that I had with the Pastors and the Counselor, it was like the floodgates opened up, I was able to write in my journal again.  Being able to write in my journal again was very helpful because it help to unload everything going on in my mind.  I still ended up watching Mythbusters alot on netflix because I still was really struggling and Mythbusters helped to distract me from dwelling on the issues that weighed heaviest on my heart, especially since I couldn't do anything about it anyway.
  As I was out shopping, I had made another stop at a grocery store after Shopko, I had to pick up a few things.  I had just picked up the last thing on my list when I had what I felt like was a panic attack.  I just had this great, absolute need, to leave the store, like NOW, thankfully I was on my way to the check out, then anyway.  I have never had a panic attack before, but have heard of other people having them, so what I felt was like what I had heard described to me.  I didn't even have the nerve to go to Farm and Fleet to pick up something for my furballs, that's how freaked out I was about it.