Saturday, Sunday

11/17/14 -- {7/12/14}The rest of Saturday after the Pastor called went by in a blur.  My other Friend L did call sometime later that day or evening, I honestly can't remember.  I really had a difficult time focusing on many things during the course of the following several weeks.  I can't remember a lot partly because I don't want to now, and because it is a blur.  I will have to check my journal because it truly is a blur now, I really don't want to back there. It is too painful:  Too painful to think that I regarded my life so little, less than God does.  Yet, I do understand how a person can totally and completely can't see anything or anybody but the thing or person that caused the pain to begin with.  That is all I could see thru the "fog" in my mind was the person who I perceived as causing all this pain.  The emotional pain is still quite raw, even now 4 months later. Sunday {7/13/14}somehow I made it thru the night but not very well, cried myself to sleep again, and still not a very solid night sleep.
   I did not go to church again, didn't go to church last week either.  I was too much of a mess to go and I didn't want to run into my son or family, to painful.  The only thing that I do remember watching is Mythbusters on Netflix both on Saturday and Sunday. I pretty much either did that or slept while the tv was going because that is when I could sleep.  I had started to reach out to a very very small group of people, for help because I knew that I wouldn't be able to make thru this alone.  I did first reach out to my doctor who got the ball rolling for me to get the help I needed.  It then really was up to be to go from there and because I was afraid of where the path I was headed; So I started with my friend M from Janesville, the Psychiatrist then eventually councelor, my friend L, the Pastor and another Pastor.
     A little reality check here; I firmly believe that regardless of what or who you believe in it is extremely important to have a support system.  People that you trust to help, love and support you thru whatever tough time you might be going thru.  I firmly believe that if it wasn't for my doctor being alarmed at what I was telling him via email that I am not at all sure where I would be right now.
Not to mention all of my friends, by all, I mean a very small group of whom I trust that are supporting me.  I truly don't know if I would have driven into a semi or not, all I know is those thoughts terrified me, so I reached out.  I was told to go to the ER if I really thought that I would do something to hurt myself, too, so there are other avenues to get help.  I really don't care what people think because this truly is about me getting better, yet I also have to take steps to think outside myself because going there and dwelling too long isn't healthy.
  Life is valuable, it cannot be replaced. Once a life is gone, that life cannot be replaced.  Even though you, most likely cannot see how valuable your life is to the people around you, trust me, you are valuable.  I have discovered, as I have begun to slowly open up about the last 4 months, the genuine surprise, then encouragement I receive.