5/31/15 -- Well, I now have some, new to me furniture and a new to me car. Working out a deal with my boss on the furniture but it's nice, comfortable, and matching furniture. It's a chaise lounge with a couch, white. By some coincidence my car is also white, it's the replacement for the now junk Cavalier. Some good things that have happened over the last couple of weeks.
I had a session with my Counselor, this past Tuesday and we discussed (in short) the last month since my last session with him. The night before seeing him it had been revealed on Facebook that my son and family are moving on June 6th which is next Saturday. For me that is so not a good thing!
I did tell him that I did figure out the one thing that I am struggling with-it has to do with always being known as my son's mom and I was thinking that I had to separate that-but I didn't want to because I was finding comfort in that yet now it was nothing but pain and bittersweet. My Counselor kinda 'flip the table"on me and suggested that I just 'flip the coin' and discover what a "sweet, kind, loving, ...." person that I am? I was kinda stunned because he was actually echoing my Friend with different words, so I was also chuckling a little. Then of course he had to say what I was thinking in that it was a "God thing" meaning that God was telling me something, by confirming something thru someone who has absolutely no connection with any of my friends. For all intensive purposes isn't and can't talk religion during a session unless his/her patient brings up and he/she is comfortable with doing so.
It was another emotional session, somehow he always leaves me with something to think about and it usually comes back to me later and hits like a ton of bricks.
He said,"they are going to move, there is nothing that you can do about it. It's going to happen." He strongly suggests that I have a plan in place for that day because he knows what I was like the weeks leading up to Mother's Day and this week could be another tough one. I really wish there was someplace I could go on Friday night into Saturday because the Graduation party that I am suppose to attend isn't til late in the afternoon.
My son and family are moving so stinkin far away and to some it seems like a good thing and it may be, but for me it so isn't. I don't view it that way, at all. The timing, the way they are doing it, the fact that I have no way of contacting in case of an emergency, it all just is wrong and sucks! I am a mom without a son and a grandma with without grandchildren, that is how it feels right now. (Daughter in-law that I don't know)
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Changes Suck
5-27-15 -- More developments or should I say specifics that have come out just in the last couple of days. My son and family are moving [without telling me personally] like 3 hours away! To me it feels like half a country away, mainly because I don't have an address to be able to keep in some sort of touch. {i.e sending birthday, christmas, anniversary cards} This development has pretty much broken my heart.
I had session with my counselor, yesterday, and we discussion a variety of things that happened over the last month. (It has been a month since my last session) It had been a rocky, roller coaster of a month too. Between the serious thoughts of committing myself because I was thinking of suicide again and being talked out of it again. My counselor is very caring and just wanted me to start the session of myself, so I did. I started to tell him about the one thing that I am having a very difficult thing with.
That one thing is; I have always been known as my son's mom and I always had a certain amount of pride in that. For a while there has been comfort in that 'title' but now there is nothing but pain and dishonor. So, as I was explaining my dilemma, my counselor, interrupts to make a suggestion. That suggestion is; "flip the coin over" and see how "wonderful, kind," and I can't remember all the descriptive words he used to encourage me. As he was talking I was just sitting there listening, smiling and even possibly even chuckling because he was echoing some of the same words that someone else I know, has already told me.{Imagine that} I really like my counselor because he is a good listener and he is always encourages me. He asked me what I was going to do the day of the move, when my son and family move? I told him that I didn't know, so he suggested that I have a plan in place - knowing that is something that could also push me over the edge.
I did notice on my calendar that is a day that a graduation party is scheduled, so maybe that is a good thing.
I just don't know how to do all these changes. I need to rediscover who I am without always being known as my son's mom. I am always going to be his mom but I am also my own person. Who am I without that "title" that others have placed on me, especially others that are his age? That is something that I really need to rediscover who I am, there in lies the challenge.
I had session with my counselor, yesterday, and we discussion a variety of things that happened over the last month. (It has been a month since my last session) It had been a rocky, roller coaster of a month too. Between the serious thoughts of committing myself because I was thinking of suicide again and being talked out of it again. My counselor is very caring and just wanted me to start the session of myself, so I did. I started to tell him about the one thing that I am having a very difficult thing with.
That one thing is; I have always been known as my son's mom and I always had a certain amount of pride in that. For a while there has been comfort in that 'title' but now there is nothing but pain and dishonor. So, as I was explaining my dilemma, my counselor, interrupts to make a suggestion. That suggestion is; "flip the coin over" and see how "wonderful, kind," and I can't remember all the descriptive words he used to encourage me. As he was talking I was just sitting there listening, smiling and even possibly even chuckling because he was echoing some of the same words that someone else I know, has already told me.{Imagine that} I really like my counselor because he is a good listener and he is always encourages me. He asked me what I was going to do the day of the move, when my son and family move? I told him that I didn't know, so he suggested that I have a plan in place - knowing that is something that could also push me over the edge.
I did notice on my calendar that is a day that a graduation party is scheduled, so maybe that is a good thing.
I just don't know how to do all these changes. I need to rediscover who I am without always being known as my son's mom. I am always going to be his mom but I am also my own person. Who am I without that "title" that others have placed on me, especially others that are his age? That is something that I really need to rediscover who I am, there in lies the challenge.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Sorry it's been awhile
5/11/15 -- I apologize once again for it being such a very long time since my last entry. Depression to the extreme took over for the last month + and I really haven't been able to blog altho perhaps by continuing to blog might have made things easier, who knows.
My last entry was getting over the Easter hump well then came Mother's Day but even before that I was headed for another break down. About two weeks before yesterday I had an appointment with my counselor and I was not in a good place. My appointments usually last about 50min. I guess but this one lasted over an hour. We discussed many things but he started off the session with a strange question that does have a right answer, that he apparently asked a variety of his patients, most of us picked the same this when the right one was something else. I had started talking about going thru fire and wanting to just ending it because of the way that my son is treating me, I had just sunk to my lowest and was considering admitting myself. My counselor asked me a number of different times if I was going to be ok that night because he was genuinely concerned, I really believe that if I had said no, he would have personally walked me to the ER himself. I asked him some question regarding what happens when one is admitted. He was like, wow you are considering this.
I really have told him some personal stuff, some deep and personal stuff, stuff that I haven't opened up and told anyone, stuff that I didn't know that I was feeling, the stuff that I told him that day surprised even me! I honestly couldn't believe it was me talking. He was very appreciative that I was honest and I was like where else can I be honest and open.
The one thing that I did tell him that I do remember is-I know that I am hanging on to a piece of my son because I am afraid that if I let go he will be gone forever. I mentioned that I someone yesterday at the second church service, different church, and she suggested that I pray to ask God to show what specifically it is that I am holding onto because it is being used as a weapon of fear. That is definitely true because I am afraid of letting this piece go.
Anyway, at the end of the session, once again he made sure I was going to be fine, and I told him yes because I like my job, it is the weekend that I was pretty much sort of planning on committing myself. I sent an email to the Pastor attempting to communicate was has been going on and after a couple of email I just got frustrated because it seemed like he just wasn't getting it.
So, I think it was that Thursday, I texted my friend to let her know what my intentions where for the next even were and she offered to come to my place after work, I said fine. But then, not long after that I received a call from the Pastor, cause my friend text her hubby right before she went into work, her hubby then called the Pastor. The Pastor and I talked for about a half an hour after I text him the land line to where I work/nanny so we had a clear connection.
Even though I resisted a lot of what he said and was still pretty determined when my friend and hubby came in to talk at a local Culvers. By the next day, which was Friday, what the Pastor said and how he said it somehow sunk in because I no longer wanted to commit myself at that time. I felt a little better but I knew/know that I can't get and stay out of this all by myself. I have tried that and I failed miserably. I called the Pastor to let him know that what he said sunk in and that I would need a mentor to get out and stay out of this depression/suicidal hole. He thought that was a good idea.
My last entry was getting over the Easter hump well then came Mother's Day but even before that I was headed for another break down. About two weeks before yesterday I had an appointment with my counselor and I was not in a good place. My appointments usually last about 50min. I guess but this one lasted over an hour. We discussed many things but he started off the session with a strange question that does have a right answer, that he apparently asked a variety of his patients, most of us picked the same this when the right one was something else. I had started talking about going thru fire and wanting to just ending it because of the way that my son is treating me, I had just sunk to my lowest and was considering admitting myself. My counselor asked me a number of different times if I was going to be ok that night because he was genuinely concerned, I really believe that if I had said no, he would have personally walked me to the ER himself. I asked him some question regarding what happens when one is admitted. He was like, wow you are considering this.
I really have told him some personal stuff, some deep and personal stuff, stuff that I haven't opened up and told anyone, stuff that I didn't know that I was feeling, the stuff that I told him that day surprised even me! I honestly couldn't believe it was me talking. He was very appreciative that I was honest and I was like where else can I be honest and open.
The one thing that I did tell him that I do remember is-I know that I am hanging on to a piece of my son because I am afraid that if I let go he will be gone forever. I mentioned that I someone yesterday at the second church service, different church, and she suggested that I pray to ask God to show what specifically it is that I am holding onto because it is being used as a weapon of fear. That is definitely true because I am afraid of letting this piece go.
Anyway, at the end of the session, once again he made sure I was going to be fine, and I told him yes because I like my job, it is the weekend that I was pretty much sort of planning on committing myself. I sent an email to the Pastor attempting to communicate was has been going on and after a couple of email I just got frustrated because it seemed like he just wasn't getting it.
So, I think it was that Thursday, I texted my friend to let her know what my intentions where for the next even were and she offered to come to my place after work, I said fine. But then, not long after that I received a call from the Pastor, cause my friend text her hubby right before she went into work, her hubby then called the Pastor. The Pastor and I talked for about a half an hour after I text him the land line to where I work/nanny so we had a clear connection.
Even though I resisted a lot of what he said and was still pretty determined when my friend and hubby came in to talk at a local Culvers. By the next day, which was Friday, what the Pastor said and how he said it somehow sunk in because I no longer wanted to commit myself at that time. I felt a little better but I knew/know that I can't get and stay out of this all by myself. I have tried that and I failed miserably. I called the Pastor to let him know that what he said sunk in and that I would need a mentor to get out and stay out of this depression/suicidal hole. He thought that was a good idea.
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