5/11/15 -- I apologize once again for it being such a very long time since my last entry. Depression to the extreme took over for the last month + and I really haven't been able to blog altho perhaps by continuing to blog might have made things easier, who knows.
My last entry was getting over the Easter hump well then came Mother's Day but even before that I was headed for another break down. About two weeks before yesterday I had an appointment with my counselor and I was not in a good place. My appointments usually last about 50min. I guess but this one lasted over an hour. We discussed many things but he started off the session with a strange question that does have a right answer, that he apparently asked a variety of his patients, most of us picked the same this when the right one was something else. I had started talking about going thru fire and wanting to just ending it because of the way that my son is treating me, I had just sunk to my lowest and was considering admitting myself. My counselor asked me a number of different times if I was going to be ok that night because he was genuinely concerned, I really believe that if I had said no, he would have personally walked me to the ER himself. I asked him some question regarding what happens when one is admitted. He was like, wow you are considering this.
I really have told him some personal stuff, some deep and personal stuff, stuff that I haven't opened up and told anyone, stuff that I didn't know that I was feeling, the stuff that I told him that day surprised even me! I honestly couldn't believe it was me talking. He was very appreciative that I was honest and I was like where else can I be honest and open.
The one thing that I did tell him that I do remember is-I know that I am hanging on to a piece of my son because I am afraid that if I let go he will be gone forever. I mentioned that I someone yesterday at the second church service, different church, and she suggested that I pray to ask God to show what specifically it is that I am holding onto because it is being used as a weapon of fear. That is definitely true because I am afraid of letting this piece go.
Anyway, at the end of the session, once again he made sure I was going to be fine, and I told him yes because I like my job, it is the weekend that I was pretty much sort of planning on committing myself. I sent an email to the Pastor attempting to communicate was has been going on and after a couple of email I just got frustrated because it seemed like he just wasn't getting it.
So, I think it was that Thursday, I texted my friend to let her know what my intentions where for the next even were and she offered to come to my place after work, I said fine. But then, not long after that I received a call from the Pastor, cause my friend text her hubby right before she went into work, her hubby then called the Pastor. The Pastor and I talked for about a half an hour after I text him the land line to where I work/nanny so we had a clear connection.
Even though I resisted a lot of what he said and was still pretty determined when my friend and hubby came in to talk at a local Culvers. By the next day, which was Friday, what the Pastor said and how he said it somehow sunk in because I no longer wanted to commit myself at that time. I felt a little better but I knew/know that I can't get and stay out of this all by myself. I have tried that and I failed miserably. I called the Pastor to let him know that what he said sunk in and that I would need a mentor to get out and stay out of this depression/suicidal hole. He thought that was a good idea.
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