7/24/15 -- Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking of "committing suicide" it is just that I just don't know how to deal with my emotions or this headache anymore. Right now, I don't have any one, really, to talk to. I have so much bottled up right now, so many things that I want to talk to someone about stuff but I have no one to really talk to til my session with my Counselor on Tuesday. I have, however, thought about getting in my car and driving til I can't drive anymore. I really wish I could go on a vacation, somewhere that I haven't been before, where no one knows me. I want to just hide from all this crap! I wish I could hide from all this emotional ups and downs. Heck I even wish, at times, that I could become a hard hearted person that doesn't care about stuff, but I know that isn't a good thing in the long run. In reality that isn't what I really want. I don't want to be hard hearted. I do want to feel all the emotions no matter how hard they are, I just don't like it.
I haven't been so emotional for so long, not during my divorce. My ex-husband was a two-timing abusive jerk that hurt me in ways that I had never imagined yet this thing with my son is so much more deep, and emotional. The ups and downs are more emotional than ever; not only that but I have a string of decent days then all of a sudden a string of, less than decent days come along.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Maybe Straightened Out
7/21/15 -- I had my conversation with an Elder of my local church just to confirm something and it actually, in a way, gave me some confidence in what I know I have to do.
However, I am still a little leary in what the end result might be. I do have his blessing to "settle in" to my local church at my pace. Obviously he doesn't want it to take "forever." My getting "settled" should be done in a reasonable amount of time. Not only that but they don't want me to {they being The Elder and his wife} to hop from church to church which I don't plan on doing after I have gotten myself "settle in." I just like visiting another specific church once in a while because they have something that my local church doesn't have.
I had to reschedule with my Counselor from this week to next week, which kinda bummed me out because I wanted to discuss this with him as well, but it doesn't look like I will be doing that. I did email him the "short" of the situation but I haven't heard back from him. He is out of his office today, which was suppose to be my appt. day, so I won't hear from him today but possibly tomorrow.
7/22/15 -- Today is an appt. with my Psychiatrist for a med. check then right after that is Occupational Therapy. Nothing like one appt. after another, hopefully she isn't running behind.
You know-for the second time I woke up an hour before my alarm went off and naturally I couldn't go back to sleep, partly because my little Penni girl kept wanting attention, then of course my mind wouldn't shut down! I absolutely despise it when my mind won't shut up! Oh and to top it all off, I woke up with a headache on the way, so of course I had to take Imitrex to head it off.
I am so irritated right now! I had made "tentative" plans with someone who was going to drive me to my "second opinion" appointment and I just found out that she has signed up for an art class that very same week/day after telling me she would "pencil" me in for that day. That is so irritating to me, everyone who want/can to anything with me is only available during the week and I am available on the weekends. They don't seem to get that when I am available it is a kink in my paycheck so there is one person who is willing to pay me the one day that I am off. By the way, the woman wanted to make the plans with me because she said that she has been trying to do something with someone different every week and I was next on her list. Personally, sometimes people need to work within my schedule once in a while seens how they have the pleasure of either not working every day or not working at all during the week because of them being married and I am not! I basically responded to her email with "You mean....." and "what the heck?" which will definitely show her that I am upset/irritated.
I am still struggling in so many ways that it is so hard to describe.
However, I am still a little leary in what the end result might be. I do have his blessing to "settle in" to my local church at my pace. Obviously he doesn't want it to take "forever." My getting "settled" should be done in a reasonable amount of time. Not only that but they don't want me to {they being The Elder and his wife} to hop from church to church which I don't plan on doing after I have gotten myself "settle in." I just like visiting another specific church once in a while because they have something that my local church doesn't have.
I had to reschedule with my Counselor from this week to next week, which kinda bummed me out because I wanted to discuss this with him as well, but it doesn't look like I will be doing that. I did email him the "short" of the situation but I haven't heard back from him. He is out of his office today, which was suppose to be my appt. day, so I won't hear from him today but possibly tomorrow.
7/22/15 -- Today is an appt. with my Psychiatrist for a med. check then right after that is Occupational Therapy. Nothing like one appt. after another, hopefully she isn't running behind.
You know-for the second time I woke up an hour before my alarm went off and naturally I couldn't go back to sleep, partly because my little Penni girl kept wanting attention, then of course my mind wouldn't shut down! I absolutely despise it when my mind won't shut up! Oh and to top it all off, I woke up with a headache on the way, so of course I had to take Imitrex to head it off.
I am so irritated right now! I had made "tentative" plans with someone who was going to drive me to my "second opinion" appointment and I just found out that she has signed up for an art class that very same week/day after telling me she would "pencil" me in for that day. That is so irritating to me, everyone who want/can to anything with me is only available during the week and I am available on the weekends. They don't seem to get that when I am available it is a kink in my paycheck so there is one person who is willing to pay me the one day that I am off. By the way, the woman wanted to make the plans with me because she said that she has been trying to do something with someone different every week and I was next on her list. Personally, sometimes people need to work within my schedule once in a while seens how they have the pleasure of either not working every day or not working at all during the week because of them being married and I am not! I basically responded to her email with "You mean....." and "what the heck?" which will definitely show her that I am upset/irritated.
I am still struggling in so many ways that it is so hard to describe.
Monday, July 20, 2015
This Week
7/10/15 -- This week has been very interesting because all week I have been dealing with, what I would call, "hangover headache" just hovering in the background. Yesterday, it had intensified to the point of needing to take my Imitrex tablets, one at a time and and hour apart. Thankfully today no intensifying indications going on which means that I am continuing to plan on going with a friend to a Farmer's Market in a town that is said to have a really good one. So, I want/need to make sure I do some sort of grocery shopping tonight before I go home so that I don't have to worry about food over the weekend anyway.
Yesterday, I also had a session with my Counselor which was nice because I totally needed to hear the encouragement from him. He asked me some very pointed questions, as per usual. I just had to show him the two most recent pics of my granddaughter. He had asked me if I had heard anything new, to which the answer was "no". We also discussed the whole "headache issue" and how that is also affecting my mental state. We didn't go down the emotional path which was kinda nice, I guess. I was blown away by his encouragement -- he kept telling me how good believes I am doing despite the "low times" that I experience. His encouragement really does mean a lot and I thanked him for it, I also believe him. I have come to believe what he tells me even tho it is difficult for whatever reason, because I know that he means it. Yes, Yes I realize that he is a professional and he tells that to all his patients but I don't believe that he encourages unless he means it.
Yesterday, I also had a session with my Counselor which was nice because I totally needed to hear the encouragement from him. He asked me some very pointed questions, as per usual. I just had to show him the two most recent pics of my granddaughter. He had asked me if I had heard anything new, to which the answer was "no". We also discussed the whole "headache issue" and how that is also affecting my mental state. We didn't go down the emotional path which was kinda nice, I guess. I was blown away by his encouragement -- he kept telling me how good believes I am doing despite the "low times" that I experience. His encouragement really does mean a lot and I thanked him for it, I also believe him. I have come to believe what he tells me even tho it is difficult for whatever reason, because I know that he means it. Yes, Yes I realize that he is a professional and he tells that to all his patients but I don't believe that he encourages unless he means it.
New Developments
7/15/15 -- Well, I made it thru the weekend without a major headache, a very good thing. I was really wanting to do something with an older woman, Saturday. The headache did start on Thursday but the Imitrex was effective, the headache hung out in the background, not too bad to take anything for it. Saturday, it was getting intense enough for me to have to use the injectable Imitrex and to pick up the prescriptions at the clinic be fore meeting up with my friend at her place .
Confused
7/17/15 -- I will be seeing a different neurologist for a second opinion on my headaches. My current Neurologist was going to send me to a Pain Clinic anyway, so I requested for him to send me to a Neurologist in Dean/St. Mary's in Madison area. The only reason I want to second opinion is just to make sure that he has exhausted all avenues before we go to the Pain Clinic and I become a "guinea pig" in the medication department. The whole idea of trying different medications til we get one that works effectively just doesn't tickle my fancy, in the least. Plus, I talked to a friend that told about his bout with headaches and how a Dr. helped him with his headaches with an injection at the base of his brain, so I am hoping that this different Neurologist knows about this type of injection and if it would help me.
Then there is the stuff that I have been learning in this Summer Study that I has me wondering how it applies to me. Clear Conscience, and Forgiveness.......I feel that I have a Clear Conscience and have Forgiven my son yet I know that I have to do the forgiving on a daily basis. Not only that but I have been told that I should take part in communion
Then there is the stuff that I have been learning in this Summer Study that I has me wondering how it applies to me. Clear Conscience, and Forgiveness.......I feel that I have a Clear Conscience and have Forgiven my son yet I know that I have to do the forgiving on a daily basis. Not only that but I have been told that I should take part in communion
The Confusion Continues.........
7/20/15 -- Some new developments concerning the headache I have been dealing with. I am getting a second opinion from a different Neurologist at the Dean/St. Mary's in Madison. My Neurologist was going to send me to a Pain Specialist anyway to so I request another Neurologist since the only Headache Specialist isn't accepting new patients. The appt. has been made and and my Neurologist has sent my records and his notes so now I am waiting for confirmation from the St. Mary's Clinic.
This past Sunday I went to a different Church, one that I had switched to while my son and daughter in-law where still in town. The reason being is; one - my Friend is out of town and no one to go to church with; two - they had a Baptism/Picnic was at a small area woods/creek that hasn't been my "thing" since my son has been out of the "house". My Friend tried to get to go to the 9am service which was still at the building, but I had to remind and reiterate that I still am having issues with walking into the doors on Sunday mornings and I explained to her why. In short it has to do with the fact that there are bad memories associated with Sunday mornings and that is just the way it is. She didn't have that much to say after that. At first she tried to say that I had to get past that but after I explained she couldn't respond. Not sure if that is good or bad.
Since I didn't go to my local church because of the Baptism/picnic someone messaged me to make sure she didn't miss me.
So, I explained that she didn't miss me that I had gone to a different church because this outdoor church thing just isn't my thing; I did explain why but she countered with "we are all family and there were other singles there." The thing is since my son has been grown and on his own I haven't like those outdoor services period. {There there is my ankle issues - I would have to wear an ankle brace on my right ankle, I just don't really want to do that not to mention the parking issue but all that is just excuses.}
Anyway, this friend seemed to "shoot" me for going to another church and having a "second family of believers" who care about me too. I don't get it: Why is it so wrong for me to have 2 "families" because where one has lack the other picks up? I have talked to select people in my second people that I KNOW I CAN TRUST about what I going on between my son and I and have gotten very wise and prayful advise. A few in my local family knows about the "outside" family, as far as, my talking to a certain pastor pair for advice and encouragement when needed.
This past Sunday I went to a different Church, one that I had switched to while my son and daughter in-law where still in town. The reason being is; one - my Friend is out of town and no one to go to church with; two - they had a Baptism/Picnic was at a small area woods/creek that hasn't been my "thing" since my son has been out of the "house". My Friend tried to get to go to the 9am service which was still at the building, but I had to remind and reiterate that I still am having issues with walking into the doors on Sunday mornings and I explained to her why. In short it has to do with the fact that there are bad memories associated with Sunday mornings and that is just the way it is. She didn't have that much to say after that. At first she tried to say that I had to get past that but after I explained she couldn't respond. Not sure if that is good or bad.
Since I didn't go to my local church because of the Baptism/picnic someone messaged me to make sure she didn't miss me.
So, I explained that she didn't miss me that I had gone to a different church because this outdoor church thing just isn't my thing; I did explain why but she countered with "we are all family and there were other singles there." The thing is since my son has been grown and on his own I haven't like those outdoor services period. {There there is my ankle issues - I would have to wear an ankle brace on my right ankle, I just don't really want to do that not to mention the parking issue but all that is just excuses.}
Anyway, this friend seemed to "shoot" me for going to another church and having a "second family of believers" who care about me too. I don't get it: Why is it so wrong for me to have 2 "families" because where one has lack the other picks up? I have talked to select people in my second people that I KNOW I CAN TRUST about what I going on between my son and I and have gotten very wise and prayful advise. A few in my local family knows about the "outside" family, as far as, my talking to a certain pastor pair for advice and encouragement when needed.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Moving Along
7/7/15 -- So this morning, not so much of a headache, yet I still felt like I needed to take an Imitrex to keep what was lingering from getting worse. I did get one last email from my Neurologist, before he left the office last night. he is thinking that he should have done and nerve blocking injection on the left side of my head, yet he is wanting to wait out the week or two, asking what I think. When I finally got home from the two appts that I had, to see the email and respond. I responded to his email; telling him that I didn't mind waiting along with asking him a question. The question was, "what do you make of the headache " something along that line because I am frustrated at the idea of not having this headache under control yet, close but not yet. I am waiting to hear from him to respond to the email I sent him last night.
I can honestly tell you that this is also messing with my emotional state more that I care to show or demonstrate, I am tired of the emotions on my sleeves. This study that I am doing with some other people, is a struggle to do for a variety of reasons. One is because I should be spending more time doing the studying but haven't been and I am not going to offer up excuses. For reasons that I am not exactly sure of, I turn the TV on with the clear intentions of turning off after I have eaten supper, but don't follow thru. Then there is the Rabbit Trail study that I am supposed to also be studying for and haven't been following thru on that, either.
Last night most definitely didn't go as I had tentatively planned for it to. I wanted to go to Freeport for a meeting but that didn't quite happen. I was able to get to the bank before they closed to deposit/cash my last weeks' check, and run a number of errands afterwards, then supper. By the time I had gotten home it was 6pm so no going to Freeport, I was bummed. Then my apt. manager called because I had forgotten to drop the rent in the door slot so after my shower, I changed my shirt and walked the money order over to her and we talked a few minutes; she gave me permission to get a roll screen to staple to the inside of the deck rail to keep Bear inside so we can sit out on the deck and I don't have to watch him every minute, which is pretty cool. I didn't even get to do the bible studying that I had wanted to do after my shower because it got so late in the evening.
It seems that I have picked up another very parttime job-helping someone out with her household care. It will depend on the day I go, on what I will be doing, I told her that I would be willing to anything she needed me to do: cooking, cleaning, helping with the children so she can resting or a mixture of the 3. Sweet.
I can honestly tell you that this is also messing with my emotional state more that I care to show or demonstrate, I am tired of the emotions on my sleeves. This study that I am doing with some other people, is a struggle to do for a variety of reasons. One is because I should be spending more time doing the studying but haven't been and I am not going to offer up excuses. For reasons that I am not exactly sure of, I turn the TV on with the clear intentions of turning off after I have eaten supper, but don't follow thru. Then there is the Rabbit Trail study that I am supposed to also be studying for and haven't been following thru on that, either.
Last night most definitely didn't go as I had tentatively planned for it to. I wanted to go to Freeport for a meeting but that didn't quite happen. I was able to get to the bank before they closed to deposit/cash my last weeks' check, and run a number of errands afterwards, then supper. By the time I had gotten home it was 6pm so no going to Freeport, I was bummed. Then my apt. manager called because I had forgotten to drop the rent in the door slot so after my shower, I changed my shirt and walked the money order over to her and we talked a few minutes; she gave me permission to get a roll screen to staple to the inside of the deck rail to keep Bear inside so we can sit out on the deck and I don't have to watch him every minute, which is pretty cool. I didn't even get to do the bible studying that I had wanted to do after my shower because it got so late in the evening.
It seems that I have picked up another very parttime job-helping someone out with her household care. It will depend on the day I go, on what I will be doing, I told her that I would be willing to anything she needed me to do: cooking, cleaning, helping with the children so she can resting or a mixture of the 3. Sweet.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Lousy Weekend!
7/6/15 -- This past weekend was NOT THE WEEKEND I HAD PLANNED by any stretch of the imagination! I had a 3 day weekend that for a change I was looking forward to. I was going to run some errands on Friday make a phone call and hopefully end up in a small town about 40 mins from my apt. helping someone with her children. Then on Saturday I was planning on going back to the same place to have some fun because they were having a 4th of July Party, I really wanted to just go and have so much fun. No, such luck! Really, really, sucks because I was so much looking so forward to having fun and getting out of my head.
Instead I was in so much pain because of the stupid headache that came back to haunt me in a seriously major way. First it showed up on Thursday but the Imitrex injection pen worked and no more headache but then it showed up again Friday and the Imitrex didn't work at all so I was miserable. Saturday I woke up with the headache again, so more Imitrex and no result, but this time the headache moved across my forehead and ended up on the left side of my head so I was absolutely miserable. I just am so frustrated, irritated, sick, and tired of these headaches I just want to just scream; remove my head, put a different one on there.
I was hoping to "run" from my emotional problems by having fun for a change instead this headache had just added to my emotional issues but in a different way; instead of my son and family it is my headache pain causing the emotional issues.
First thing this morning, sent my Neurologist an mychart email to let him know exactly what was going this past weekend. Nothing like having something like this completely ruin my plans for something that I was actually looking forward to, for a change.
Anyway, so that was the extent of my weekend, I stayed off all electronics, so no computer time. I didn't check facebook, checked it once on Friday in the morning but that was it. Saturday I never even bothered my computer just because I knew it wouldn't be a good idea. Then, later on Saturday someone called me and it seemed like she was yelling at me. This is the first time that sound actually bothered me right up at my ear.
What a sucky weekend, I apologize about driving that home, I was looking forward to something and it was ruined. Ok, ok I guess I will change the subject altho I don't know to what say, at the moment. I have OT later this afternoon for my arm/wrist plus I have at appt. with my Counselor on Thursday. I haven't decided whether I am looking forward to that appt. or not. I am sure that between now and Thursday I am sure I will see some great pics of my granddaughters, thankfully there was none that I missed. I guess there is a plus of not being friends of theirs right now because I don't have to see pics that I don't want to see that I am not included in right now. That they find so easily to blatantly leave me out.
Instead I was in so much pain because of the stupid headache that came back to haunt me in a seriously major way. First it showed up on Thursday but the Imitrex injection pen worked and no more headache but then it showed up again Friday and the Imitrex didn't work at all so I was miserable. Saturday I woke up with the headache again, so more Imitrex and no result, but this time the headache moved across my forehead and ended up on the left side of my head so I was absolutely miserable. I just am so frustrated, irritated, sick, and tired of these headaches I just want to just scream; remove my head, put a different one on there.
I was hoping to "run" from my emotional problems by having fun for a change instead this headache had just added to my emotional issues but in a different way; instead of my son and family it is my headache pain causing the emotional issues.
First thing this morning, sent my Neurologist an mychart email to let him know exactly what was going this past weekend. Nothing like having something like this completely ruin my plans for something that I was actually looking forward to, for a change.
Anyway, so that was the extent of my weekend, I stayed off all electronics, so no computer time. I didn't check facebook, checked it once on Friday in the morning but that was it. Saturday I never even bothered my computer just because I knew it wouldn't be a good idea. Then, later on Saturday someone called me and it seemed like she was yelling at me. This is the first time that sound actually bothered me right up at my ear.
What a sucky weekend, I apologize about driving that home, I was looking forward to something and it was ruined. Ok, ok I guess I will change the subject altho I don't know to what say, at the moment. I have OT later this afternoon for my arm/wrist plus I have at appt. with my Counselor on Thursday. I haven't decided whether I am looking forward to that appt. or not. I am sure that between now and Thursday I am sure I will see some great pics of my granddaughters, thankfully there was none that I missed. I guess there is a plus of not being friends of theirs right now because I don't have to see pics that I don't want to see that I am not included in right now. That they find so easily to blatantly leave me out.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Another Injection
6/30/15 -- So, last Thursday I had and appointment with my Neurologist; a check up after the first injection especially because I was continuing to have headaches. I also was planning on asking him to refer me to an occupational therapist after talking to him about what is going about with my wrist and fingers. After talking to my Dr. for a while he suggested that we do the injection again and wait to wean me off the Topamax. I was kinda bummed about that part but I understand. He also asked about how the Imitrex was working and decided to switch me to a different form of the Imitrex; an injectable form because it gets into the system faster. The only time Imitrex really works for me is when I take right when the headache comes on otherwise it won't work, at all. So, that is why The Dr. switched me to that form, gets into my system much faster. Also, I agreed with him to go ahead with the second injection, in my head, the nerve blocker. The only reason is because I was continuing to have headaches -- not a continuous one but they would come and go only if I took the Imitrex at the onset of the headache. Hopefully, prayerfully this injection will last longer and as he put it "push the headache over the edge" and it won't return in any way, shape or form. I really want to get off the Topamax but now I have to wait til we see how long this injection is going to last. Bummer.
I also asked my Neurologist about a referral to an occupational Therapist after explaining to him what was going on; after all he works with the nerves all over the body so he is just as capable of referring me to that person as my going back to the dr. who did the carpal tunnel release a number of years ago. He didn't have a problem with doing that, at all.
I know that I really haven't addressed the real reason for the blog and that is my emotional state----well to be honest I have spent some time "running" from that just because of not wanting to deal with the stuff. I sometimes get so tired of dealing with that stuff that I would like to just run, run, run, run. Then there is the fact that is weekend is the "not so great anniversary" when everything spiraled out of control for me. I am not looking forward to this weekend at all. I have been trying to come up with a plan, someone to hang out with for part of the day and I have to STAY OFF FACEBOOK all day in order to maintain some level of sanity.
You see, my son and daughter in-law now seem to find so much easier to be blatantly excluding me from their lives, as the girls grandmother. You can't imagine how much that hurts me. That is why I just don't want to face it all the time. I am thankful that I do have "permission" to not face it all the time. My Counselor told me that I need/should take charge of my depression, not allow it to be in charge of me, so choosing when to go the the "pile of crap" and when not to is a good thing. I tell you I really just want to run away from this for awhile.
The thought has cross my mind this morning that I am tired of jus sitting around here "mopping and doing basically nothing" I am not happy with this. I want to get of here is and do something with my life, not exactly sure what or how to go about it but to want or need to do something.
I also asked my Neurologist about a referral to an occupational Therapist after explaining to him what was going on; after all he works with the nerves all over the body so he is just as capable of referring me to that person as my going back to the dr. who did the carpal tunnel release a number of years ago. He didn't have a problem with doing that, at all.
I know that I really haven't addressed the real reason for the blog and that is my emotional state----well to be honest I have spent some time "running" from that just because of not wanting to deal with the stuff. I sometimes get so tired of dealing with that stuff that I would like to just run, run, run, run. Then there is the fact that is weekend is the "not so great anniversary" when everything spiraled out of control for me. I am not looking forward to this weekend at all. I have been trying to come up with a plan, someone to hang out with for part of the day and I have to STAY OFF FACEBOOK all day in order to maintain some level of sanity.
You see, my son and daughter in-law now seem to find so much easier to be blatantly excluding me from their lives, as the girls grandmother. You can't imagine how much that hurts me. That is why I just don't want to face it all the time. I am thankful that I do have "permission" to not face it all the time. My Counselor told me that I need/should take charge of my depression, not allow it to be in charge of me, so choosing when to go the the "pile of crap" and when not to is a good thing. I tell you I really just want to run away from this for awhile.
The thought has cross my mind this morning that I am tired of jus sitting around here "mopping and doing basically nothing" I am not happy with this. I want to get of here is and do something with my life, not exactly sure what or how to go about it but to want or need to do something.
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