12/31/14 -- My mom came up yesterday and we went to lunch. We talked the whole time - this one of the days she had off she had so she came up to visit, we do that. She only lives like a half an hour away. My dad is retired and is a pain in the rear to her, so she wanted to break up her days off up, plus she planned on helping me out a little bit. I showed her the the Special stuff boxes I made for my granddaughters and the doll that she helped me get for my baby granddaughter. Mom stayed for several hours, it's always nice when she comes to visit.
When I woke up this morning, I realized that I do have to get busy making the next Keepsake box for the next wedding gift that is coming up in March. The box will not take a long time to make but that it is composed of a lot of pieces, the pattern will be pretty easy. The box is what will be pretty challenging tho, I want to put it together a little bit differently than T & C's wedding. I think tho that I will be able to make a couple of other things in between that box. I have so many ideas it isn't funny. Some of what I want to make are small things with simple but meaningful little sayings that go along with the some of the songs that have been uplifting to me.
I gotta admit depression/sickness just don't got together; depression/sickness/loneliness don't go together; depression/sickness/loneliness/winter don't go together; add to that the holidays and you can totally have a mess. It truly is how you deal with it. That is the key, I certainly am not going to "preach" to handle it any one way because everyone is different and because for all the so called strength I thought I had, I failed miserably, myself. The cross between being sick, not working all last week and knowing that I wouldn't be working all this week, and knowing that there was a strong possibility that I wouldn't see my granddaughters even for a short time this holiday season, made for a very down and even spiraling week/struggling week last week. The week didn't start off very strong this week either but better knowing that my mom was coming up this week made it somewhat better and gave me something to look forward to. Also, one of my friends actually contacted me, she and her hubby had been sick since Christmas. By the way, it was a good thing that I wasn't working because of being sick, just not good for the pocketbook. I am so glad that the sun is shining today and the even tho it is cold now, I have to go out and get some errands taken care of.
I do want to say it is ok to feel however and/or whatever you feel. Don't let anyone ever tell you that it's not ok. Your feelings are valid no matter what they are. Please tho, if you are angry be constructive in how you demonstrate it, please don't take your anger out on others or yourself. Take up boxing or running or something along those lines that will allow you to constructively vent those types of feelings without hurting yourself or others. Anger is a valid emotion but taking it out on other or yourself just isn't proper or right, when you do that you are not only hurting yourself but you are hurting the people around you. Please try to remember that there are ramifications or ripple effects that happen after you have done something out of anger that either you and/or others will have to deal with regardless of your mental status. I know, I know easier said than done, believe me I know. We all have our breaking points and I have come close to mine a few times but I don't know what I would do if I would actually reach mine.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Human reality - yet hurt
12/30/14 -- Well a trip to the doctor and an anti-biotic later and I am starting to feel so much better, finally. I received an email from friend M, last night that had a link to another blog which was very enlightening to me. A much needed reminder that I needed. People cannot be there 24/7 for us like we want them to be, so we really need to not put them in a place where they are the only ones that can fulfill needs we have. I know, I know that is easier said that done. I am speaking to myself here, as over the last several days I have been battling the "pity party".
I spoke to someone yesterday, on my way out of the clinic, he is employed by the clinic but was off and had taken his 4 children to the doctor for checkups, he said that there were a lot of people in the hospital with the flu and pneumonia and such illnesses.
I have thought about what that blog said after I went and read it. I added to to my reading list, on my blog. This particular blog is bible based and I definitely needed the reminder. God is the only One who can truly fulfill my hearts desires and holes. My only issues with this is that He isn't human and can't sit on the couch and embrace an physically sit next to me, cuddle me or anything like that. That being said He is still the One and Only that can fulfill all my needs. For those of you who may be reading this and don't believe in God or anything remotely close, I am sorry. Yet, you must believe in something or someone.
In my opinion and experience both recent and past, people let us down simply because they are human beings. The closer they are to you, the more and deeper the hurt is when they do let you down or reject you. One thing that I have recently learned again, is that we, as moms shouldn't (we do, so easily) find our identity in our children. {even our spouses} When I was married to my son's dad, and then went thru the whole recovering from the divorce thing, I totally realize just how much I had lost my identity in him. I couldn't believe that someone that professed to love me as much as he did could hurt me like he did and in the way he did. I was so blind and inexperienced about men and life outside my parents house. My parents really didn't do much to help me to teach me about men or life in the arena plus as teenager I growing up in my parents home it was hard. That is another story for another time. Anyway, here I am with a 3 year old boy to raise alone, and no time to make and real educated decisions. Heck, I didn't even have to time to deal with his betrayal or accusations, I had a child to raise, he needed me more than this idiot, I use that term loosely, I didn't view him in that way then. I still loved him but I had our son to raise.
I had to make hard decisions and because of the reality of the situation and of what had happened, he had actually told me the truth, 3 weeks prior. He was arrested, and in jail, I had no choice in the decisions I was faced with. More later.
I spoke to someone yesterday, on my way out of the clinic, he is employed by the clinic but was off and had taken his 4 children to the doctor for checkups, he said that there were a lot of people in the hospital with the flu and pneumonia and such illnesses.
I have thought about what that blog said after I went and read it. I added to to my reading list, on my blog. This particular blog is bible based and I definitely needed the reminder. God is the only One who can truly fulfill my hearts desires and holes. My only issues with this is that He isn't human and can't sit on the couch and embrace an physically sit next to me, cuddle me or anything like that. That being said He is still the One and Only that can fulfill all my needs. For those of you who may be reading this and don't believe in God or anything remotely close, I am sorry. Yet, you must believe in something or someone.
In my opinion and experience both recent and past, people let us down simply because they are human beings. The closer they are to you, the more and deeper the hurt is when they do let you down or reject you. One thing that I have recently learned again, is that we, as moms shouldn't (we do, so easily) find our identity in our children. {even our spouses} When I was married to my son's dad, and then went thru the whole recovering from the divorce thing, I totally realize just how much I had lost my identity in him. I couldn't believe that someone that professed to love me as much as he did could hurt me like he did and in the way he did. I was so blind and inexperienced about men and life outside my parents house. My parents really didn't do much to help me to teach me about men or life in the arena plus as teenager I growing up in my parents home it was hard. That is another story for another time. Anyway, here I am with a 3 year old boy to raise alone, and no time to make and real educated decisions. Heck, I didn't even have to time to deal with his betrayal or accusations, I had a child to raise, he needed me more than this idiot, I use that term loosely, I didn't view him in that way then. I still loved him but I had our son to raise.
I had to make hard decisions and because of the reality of the situation and of what had happened, he had actually told me the truth, 3 weeks prior. He was arrested, and in jail, I had no choice in the decisions I was faced with. More later.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Perfect timing
12/29/14 -- It's interesting how I was giving advice yet having a difficult time following my own advice. HaHa. As I have been sick, so have my friends been sick, at least the ones that live here, close to me. There seems to be some sort of virus that has struck quite a number of people and affected them in different ways and knocked them out for a week or more. Kinda hard to talk to people when they are sick. Then of course whatever I got has affected my voice so it's kinda hard to talk at all. I guess I should say, kinda hard for them to talk to you when they are sick. Here I am sort of feeling sorry for myself or at the very least battling with that, altho I know from chatting with a friend via Facebook messenger that there are a number of people that are sick. What a great time of year to be sick, the time when people don't want to be sick, is christmas.
Totally amazing the things that run thru your mind when you are sitting watching tv and working on your project. The last gift is almost done, altho I still don't know if or when I am going to give the gifts to the girls.
I text my mom a Happy Birthday to my dad, since yesterday was my dad's birthday. My dad didn't think it was his birthday, he didn't realize that it was December 28th. Mom said that he has lost track of time. I totally believe that my dad is depressed, I just wish that he would admit it and get some help. He is a man, a "man's man" and is too macho to admit that he has issues. Since dad retired has been behaving like this. To top it all off, he has been trying to control mom, she hasn't been allowing to do so, as best as she can. Dad has been retired for about 10 years, give or take. There are things around the house that he could do, he could slowly get rid of the tools and such in the basement and in the garage plus a bunch of other stuff, yet he doesn't. He could even get a part-time job, but he doesn't. I am concerned about him but I don't know what to do, he is even more stubborn than I know I can be. He has access to stuff that I don't and I just don't want my mom to come home to a shock, from work. I know that I can't really help my dad because he has to be willing to admit that he has a problem. So, I just keep praying for him.
I just opened my living room blinds - oh what a perfectly gloomy day! Just what is needed to help perk up the mood! N0T! This is another one of those days where conserving electricity absolutely goes out the window! Almost every light is on it the apartment, definitely in the living room. I am planning on calling the doctor to see if I can get in to make sure that I have nothing more going on with my lungs. I am not so much concern about my voice altho it is weird that my voice is affected by whatever is going on.
Totally amazing the things that run thru your mind when you are sitting watching tv and working on your project. The last gift is almost done, altho I still don't know if or when I am going to give the gifts to the girls.
I text my mom a Happy Birthday to my dad, since yesterday was my dad's birthday. My dad didn't think it was his birthday, he didn't realize that it was December 28th. Mom said that he has lost track of time. I totally believe that my dad is depressed, I just wish that he would admit it and get some help. He is a man, a "man's man" and is too macho to admit that he has issues. Since dad retired has been behaving like this. To top it all off, he has been trying to control mom, she hasn't been allowing to do so, as best as she can. Dad has been retired for about 10 years, give or take. There are things around the house that he could do, he could slowly get rid of the tools and such in the basement and in the garage plus a bunch of other stuff, yet he doesn't. He could even get a part-time job, but he doesn't. I am concerned about him but I don't know what to do, he is even more stubborn than I know I can be. He has access to stuff that I don't and I just don't want my mom to come home to a shock, from work. I know that I can't really help my dad because he has to be willing to admit that he has a problem. So, I just keep praying for him.
I just opened my living room blinds - oh what a perfectly gloomy day! Just what is needed to help perk up the mood! N0T! This is another one of those days where conserving electricity absolutely goes out the window! Almost every light is on it the apartment, definitely in the living room. I am planning on calling the doctor to see if I can get in to make sure that I have nothing more going on with my lungs. I am not so much concern about my voice altho it is weird that my voice is affected by whatever is going on.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Cleaning up a mess
12/27/14 -- So yesterday, I did something kinda stupid. I got on Facebook, on the life group page and put something on there that was pretty much "have a pity party" for me type deal on it under the guise of asking for prayer. Well, sometime later I checked Facebook and there was a comment from my daughter in-law, much to my surprise and dismay! I didn't know that she was on the life group group. So, of course, I deleted the post then I had to pretty much clean up my mess. I felt pretty stupid and at the same time betrayed! Not sure how that worked to together but that is how I felt. Yet, I was "kissing her butt!" Here I am, working on a gift for one of her daughters, trying to get better and trying to choose my words, carefully so as to not offend her any more.
I swear, sometimes I do the stupidest things! I don't even know why - out of desperation, frustration, pity, who knows even out of depression and a cry out for attention because this being alone is just not a good thing, well I got the wrong kind of attention! Imagine that! haha! That is kinda what we tell our children, right? Well anyway, I did ask my daughter in-law for forgiveness so hopefully she will be able to do that.
I had to make myself get out of the house yesterday, to go to the grocery store, get much needed food. The food I had been eating was processed and seriously bothering my stomach which really isn't a good thing. I got some real meat and some breakfast food and supper food, so today I have to low and slowly cook the roast the I bought. It was nice to get out of the apartment for short time, the sun was shining, it was nice. I also had to get the recyclables out of the apartment along with the kitty litter.
It really sucks because I sort of wanted to just hibernate and have a pity party. I have had to restrain from putting myself pity out there on Facebook, even tho I kinda want to do that. It really wouldn't do much good to that anyway. I have really wanted to seriously wanted to chew my son up one side and down the other but that wouldn't do much good either.
I know that being depressed really does suck, I also know that there are days that you feel like you have absolutely know one to talk to. I highly recommend writing everything down, in a notebook; you know like journaling. I totally realize it is not the same thing as talking to a human being but even your closest friends can't be around you 24/7. Your family (depending on your age) is but they may not alway be available to talk, sometime you have to assert yourself, other times you have to give them space. The space for them is so you don't overwhelm them and cause them to become depressed themselves. The key is you know they do love you and they truly are there for you. Keep seeing your therapist, taking your meds (providing you are seeing a therapist and taking meds) and getting a hobby. I know, I know none of that really helps, you still have too many thoughts. You are wondering how I know; Well, I have those thoughts. Even with the project that I have been working on, I have too much time to get into my head, and I absolutely hate it! So, somehow you have to combat it with better thoughts, happy thoughts. I know easier said than done. Believe me I know. I deal with it on a daily basis.
I swear, sometimes I do the stupidest things! I don't even know why - out of desperation, frustration, pity, who knows even out of depression and a cry out for attention because this being alone is just not a good thing, well I got the wrong kind of attention! Imagine that! haha! That is kinda what we tell our children, right? Well anyway, I did ask my daughter in-law for forgiveness so hopefully she will be able to do that.
I had to make myself get out of the house yesterday, to go to the grocery store, get much needed food. The food I had been eating was processed and seriously bothering my stomach which really isn't a good thing. I got some real meat and some breakfast food and supper food, so today I have to low and slowly cook the roast the I bought. It was nice to get out of the apartment for short time, the sun was shining, it was nice. I also had to get the recyclables out of the apartment along with the kitty litter.
It really sucks because I sort of wanted to just hibernate and have a pity party. I have had to restrain from putting myself pity out there on Facebook, even tho I kinda want to do that. It really wouldn't do much good to that anyway. I have really wanted to seriously wanted to chew my son up one side and down the other but that wouldn't do much good either.
I know that being depressed really does suck, I also know that there are days that you feel like you have absolutely know one to talk to. I highly recommend writing everything down, in a notebook; you know like journaling. I totally realize it is not the same thing as talking to a human being but even your closest friends can't be around you 24/7. Your family (depending on your age) is but they may not alway be available to talk, sometime you have to assert yourself, other times you have to give them space. The space for them is so you don't overwhelm them and cause them to become depressed themselves. The key is you know they do love you and they truly are there for you. Keep seeing your therapist, taking your meds (providing you are seeing a therapist and taking meds) and getting a hobby. I know, I know none of that really helps, you still have too many thoughts. You are wondering how I know; Well, I have those thoughts. Even with the project that I have been working on, I have too much time to get into my head, and I absolutely hate it! So, somehow you have to combat it with better thoughts, happy thoughts. I know easier said than done. Believe me I know. I deal with it on a daily basis.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Post Holiday
12/26/14 -- Yesterday was really rather a lousy day for me. For a combination of reasons. Somehow I managed to catch a cold, that didn't get too bad, however, it was a strange cold in that it has ended up affecting my voice. I pretty much have been held up in my apartment and not around too many people and yet I have managed to get a cold. I haven't felt too bad, but I just can't talk much, my voice just comes in and out and isn't very strong. Then there is my son, who didn't really bother to contact me in any way shape or form. I stayed off Facebook for the most part, yesterday just because I was really have a difficult time staying out of the "pity party" mode.
My therapist J says that everyone has a pile of crap but the key is what you do with that pile. Depression to me is where you somehow end up dwelling in the "pile" of crap and you don't even realize it. That is so true. I am now aware of the "pile of crap" and there are days where is it a constant battle to not dwell in the "pile of crap". Yesterday definitely was one of those days where it was one of those days where is was difficult to stay away. I caught myself wanting to cry, not that that would have been a bad thing, but I just didn't want to do that right then and there. As I was working on the Special Stuff Box for my middle granddaughter, there were so many things running thru my mind, so many things. Things like, why am I doing this?, What is the point? nobody cares, my son doesn't care. There were so many times that I had to dispel those thoughts with other thoughts that is why had to stop checking Facebook, so often. There weren't any pics of my granddaughters that showed up so I didn't miss that, it was just the statements that I just didn't want to see any more, didn't want to see all those feel good things from people any more, I just felt like putting something on there that would have popped everyones bubble! I restrained myself and didn't but I sure did want too. There have been soooooo many times that I have wanted to say something smart on Facebook just out of frustration and/or anger but I have restrained myself. I wish, sometimes, that I wasn't such a "nice" person because I just want to let loose but Facebook just isn't the forum for that and I know that, plus I really wouldn't accomplish anything other than a lot of angry people.
I really hate what goes on inside my head sometimes. Sometimes, I just hate thinking because I just don't like all of the different things that I think about. Sometimes the thoughts are negative, sometimes they are about money(that is never a good thing to dwell on), then of course there is my son and the reason I am working so crazily on the last box. The design of which looks pretty darn good, on the bottom and will be the top. I just don't know what to do, how to think, yes I know God is my Rock, I do believe that, yet that doesn't negate the struggle that still goes on in my mind. God's Word says that He will be with me thru the struggle. Meaning that life as a believer will be tough but He will with us thru the storm. Therefore, I am still very much a human being that still struggles and just because I have chosen to believe in Jesus doesn't mean that my life is a piece of cake, far from it.
My therapist J says that everyone has a pile of crap but the key is what you do with that pile. Depression to me is where you somehow end up dwelling in the "pile" of crap and you don't even realize it. That is so true. I am now aware of the "pile of crap" and there are days where is it a constant battle to not dwell in the "pile of crap". Yesterday definitely was one of those days where it was one of those days where is was difficult to stay away. I caught myself wanting to cry, not that that would have been a bad thing, but I just didn't want to do that right then and there. As I was working on the Special Stuff Box for my middle granddaughter, there were so many things running thru my mind, so many things. Things like, why am I doing this?, What is the point? nobody cares, my son doesn't care. There were so many times that I had to dispel those thoughts with other thoughts that is why had to stop checking Facebook, so often. There weren't any pics of my granddaughters that showed up so I didn't miss that, it was just the statements that I just didn't want to see any more, didn't want to see all those feel good things from people any more, I just felt like putting something on there that would have popped everyones bubble! I restrained myself and didn't but I sure did want too. There have been soooooo many times that I have wanted to say something smart on Facebook just out of frustration and/or anger but I have restrained myself. I wish, sometimes, that I wasn't such a "nice" person because I just want to let loose but Facebook just isn't the forum for that and I know that, plus I really wouldn't accomplish anything other than a lot of angry people.
I really hate what goes on inside my head sometimes. Sometimes, I just hate thinking because I just don't like all of the different things that I think about. Sometimes the thoughts are negative, sometimes they are about money(that is never a good thing to dwell on), then of course there is my son and the reason I am working so crazily on the last box. The design of which looks pretty darn good, on the bottom and will be the top. I just don't know what to do, how to think, yes I know God is my Rock, I do believe that, yet that doesn't negate the struggle that still goes on in my mind. God's Word says that He will be with me thru the struggle. Meaning that life as a believer will be tough but He will with us thru the storm. Therefore, I am still very much a human being that still struggles and just because I have chosen to believe in Jesus doesn't mean that my life is a piece of cake, far from it.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Not a Great Day
12/25/14 -- I woke up bright and early this morning with no particular reason other than I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. This is Christmas Morning and I am not spending it with my family! How depressing is that?! Sure I put the request in several weeks ago, but all I could do is request, the last gift isn't even completed. Albeit simpler than the first one, not completed. I haven't received any word from either one of them, which would have been nice to hear something. I woke up at like 4:20am fed the cats, figuring I would avoid any possible kitty messes, even though I hid the loose toilet paper in the little medicine cabinet to avoid any more mischievousness from ms Penni.
I know there a lot of people that are reading this that are feeling some of the same things that I am right now. (Possibly) This past week has been nothing but a struggle, with being laid off and all, being alone. Being alone, really sucks! Yes, I so have 2 cats but they aren't human so therefore I can't really talked to them. I have had a friend offer to allow me to go with her to her mom's place for a day but with being sick, I turned her down for yesterday, but will take her up on it tomorrow possibly, as long all goes well and I don't get any surprises. I worked on this for awhile, took a shower then decided it was time to work on the keepsake box, for my middle granddaughter.
I gotta tell ya, this cold or whatever I have or had had kinda put a damper on things. I was kinda hoping to do something with my friend L and her husband, but even tho I am not coughing anywhere near what I was, I do still have a sore spot in my throat and my voice is going in and out. That is the really bizarre thing. So, given that little complication I decided against going with her tomorrow on the premise that I am planning on talking to the Dr.'s office, altho I am seriously doubting on the idea of getting in to see him. I heard nothing from my son, which really is sucky! I didn't spend too much time on Facebook today just because I am a little too jealous of the people on there right now and I don't want to be in tears, altho I am sure I will be there sooner or later.
This has to be the worst day ever, for me! Not a single one of my friends bothered to call or texted to see how I was doing, altho, somehow I don't blame them just because it would be depressing. Being alone, no one to talk to and having no one to spend the day with, or even just a couple of hours with just really sucks. Not to mention the fact, that I don't have that much food in my house, thawed or to actually to work with, really super, duper sucks. Luckily for me, I did/do have a project that is keeping me busy, plus I do have several other things that I plan on making, out of the plastic canvas.
I am feeling myself wanting to do more of the plastic canvas, I have a couple of ideas to give to my "girl friends". I have something that I want to make for my orthopedic surgeon's daughter, another wedding gift (keepsake box-similar to one I have already made), then some special stuff boxes for another set of special girls. I do have ways of keeping myself busy, but I can't keep out of my mind.
I know there a lot of people that are reading this that are feeling some of the same things that I am right now. (Possibly) This past week has been nothing but a struggle, with being laid off and all, being alone. Being alone, really sucks! Yes, I so have 2 cats but they aren't human so therefore I can't really talked to them. I have had a friend offer to allow me to go with her to her mom's place for a day but with being sick, I turned her down for yesterday, but will take her up on it tomorrow possibly, as long all goes well and I don't get any surprises. I worked on this for awhile, took a shower then decided it was time to work on the keepsake box, for my middle granddaughter.
I gotta tell ya, this cold or whatever I have or had had kinda put a damper on things. I was kinda hoping to do something with my friend L and her husband, but even tho I am not coughing anywhere near what I was, I do still have a sore spot in my throat and my voice is going in and out. That is the really bizarre thing. So, given that little complication I decided against going with her tomorrow on the premise that I am planning on talking to the Dr.'s office, altho I am seriously doubting on the idea of getting in to see him. I heard nothing from my son, which really is sucky! I didn't spend too much time on Facebook today just because I am a little too jealous of the people on there right now and I don't want to be in tears, altho I am sure I will be there sooner or later.
This has to be the worst day ever, for me! Not a single one of my friends bothered to call or texted to see how I was doing, altho, somehow I don't blame them just because it would be depressing. Being alone, no one to talk to and having no one to spend the day with, or even just a couple of hours with just really sucks. Not to mention the fact, that I don't have that much food in my house, thawed or to actually to work with, really super, duper sucks. Luckily for me, I did/do have a project that is keeping me busy, plus I do have several other things that I plan on making, out of the plastic canvas.
I am feeling myself wanting to do more of the plastic canvas, I have a couple of ideas to give to my "girl friends". I have something that I want to make for my orthopedic surgeon's daughter, another wedding gift (keepsake box-similar to one I have already made), then some special stuff boxes for another set of special girls. I do have ways of keeping myself busy, but I can't keep out of my mind.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Counselor visits and Current Day
12/17/14 -- [sept.-oct.] - My trips to the counselor are always entertaining. He starts of with a video from his laptop to make me laugh, or he ends with a video to make me laugh. He is always interested what I am doing to help myself to do better. The man is great a catching subtle changes in my facial expressions. Whenever he sees a change he stops me and wants to know what I am thinking at the moment of the change. So, then I have to back up and explain, of course then he takes me down a road that I never intended to go. Usually, I end up in tears, which is fine because it's necessary that he makes connections that I didn't think to make. Those connections help him and myself to understand more of why I am the way I am and/or why I responded the I did to what my son has done.
In one of our sessions, I asked J why this rejection hurt so much more than when his dad rejected me? Basically, he put it this way. "You carried him for nine months, you took care of him for twenty years, you can't get much closer than that." That is very true. When you are that close to someone the rejection hurts that much worse.
12-23-14 - current day- I have been layed off and so without a laptop which makes (I had been making use of my bosses laptop while coaching his son thru school time)typing a challenge, not impossible with an iPad. Plus, I have been very focused on getting Christmas gifts made for my older granddaughters, even tho I don't know for sure that I will be able to give them to them let alone see them open them, in person. Today, I received a gift to myself. A result of probably doing something a little on the stupid side, by stretching my budget a smidgen too far; at this particular time. This is just any laptop either, my son would be proud of my, if he knew what kind of laptop I currently have. It was everything I could do to put this down to resume working on my gifts. Not only that but I have been battling a stupid cough, something way more than asthma, something going on in my throat. My ribs hurt with all this ridiculous coughing I have been doing. Anyway.
This is the first time that this time of year is something that I am not sure whether I am looking forward to or not. Quite a few people I know a pretty sick, including my daughter in-law. It almost sounds like Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate, should be cancelled or rescheduled til everyone is heathy. Even the Pastor fell sick the middle of last week and is still pretty sick.
In one of our sessions, I asked J why this rejection hurt so much more than when his dad rejected me? Basically, he put it this way. "You carried him for nine months, you took care of him for twenty years, you can't get much closer than that." That is very true. When you are that close to someone the rejection hurts that much worse.
12-23-14 - current day- I have been layed off and so without a laptop which makes (I had been making use of my bosses laptop while coaching his son thru school time)typing a challenge, not impossible with an iPad. Plus, I have been very focused on getting Christmas gifts made for my older granddaughters, even tho I don't know for sure that I will be able to give them to them let alone see them open them, in person. Today, I received a gift to myself. A result of probably doing something a little on the stupid side, by stretching my budget a smidgen too far; at this particular time. This is just any laptop either, my son would be proud of my, if he knew what kind of laptop I currently have. It was everything I could do to put this down to resume working on my gifts. Not only that but I have been battling a stupid cough, something way more than asthma, something going on in my throat. My ribs hurt with all this ridiculous coughing I have been doing. Anyway.
This is the first time that this time of year is something that I am not sure whether I am looking forward to or not. Quite a few people I know a pretty sick, including my daughter in-law. It almost sounds like Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate, should be cancelled or rescheduled til everyone is heathy. Even the Pastor fell sick the middle of last week and is still pretty sick.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Trying to Move on
12/12/14 -- {Sept.- Oct.} Throughout this headache process, friend D suggested I try going to a different church, namely one that I was already familiar with. So, after consulting with friend P, I relented and went to church, with friend D, on Sunday. Boy, let me tell you, that was the best decision I ever made, or should I say, obeyed. It was as if I should have been there. It was great! The worship was awesome! There was one specific song that was meant for me! Then, the special speaker couldn't even speak what he had until he spoke what he believed God wanted him to say. Boy, that was directed right at me, WOW! Unfortunately, because I rode with someone and she was pretty much ready to go right after church, I couldn't talk to the man afterwards. I came away from that church service actually feeling so much better than I usually do.
Before I left tho, I did make contact with one of the Pastors' wives, because I just really felt like I needed to speak with someone who I believed would truly help me one step more than the other Pastors have, nothing against them. Some Pastors are gifted in areas where others are not, this Pastor and wife are gifted in area where the Pastor is not, that is a good thing.
I attend this other church a second time before being able to meet with this other Pastor and wife. I touched base with this other Pastor's wife and we scheduled a meeting for Monday evening right after work. This meeting turned out to be the best thing that I could have ever done. I came away from that meeting hungry, I hadn't eaten anything since lunch but wasn't hungry til after the meeting, feeling so much better. I hadn't realized how much bitterness and anger I was actually holding onto, not anymore, after that meeting. They lead me some prayers and they prayed over me and my son, not to mention, the situation. They also agreed that it is a good idea that I not go back to the other church, til I felt a release from God. Again, I must reinterate that I am not preaching here, this is what is getting me thru this mess. I must stress that we all need someone to come along side us to help us and we all believe in something or someone. Even for those who don't believe in anything or anyone you still need a support system, a circle of friends that you can depend on when you are at your lowest, to be there to pick you up. Also, you need someone outside the situation, like a counselor, who can give you good sound advice and possibly help you to resolve it. I honestly don't know what I would have don't with my friends. People who are willing to go to bat for me and with me, pray with me, listen to me even when I cry on the phone.
Then there are my cats - I just love my cats. Even tho they are no substitute for a human being, it is nice to to have someone to come home to. They need me, don't argue, love on me, annoy me, purr and just all around make it pleasant to be home. However, they are not a substitute for human contact or my granddaughters. The other thing that makes all this tough; is being single. Singleness just isn't for everyone, and it isn't for me. Altho, I haven't had much luck in finding anyone, not that I have been searching. I don't search for men, I am letting God do the bring us together.
I attend this other church a second time before being able to meet with this other Pastor and wife. I touched base with this other Pastor's wife and we scheduled a meeting for Monday evening right after work. This meeting turned out to be the best thing that I could have ever done. I came away from that meeting hungry, I hadn't eaten anything since lunch but wasn't hungry til after the meeting, feeling so much better. I hadn't realized how much bitterness and anger I was actually holding onto, not anymore, after that meeting. They lead me some prayers and they prayed over me and my son, not to mention, the situation. They also agreed that it is a good idea that I not go back to the other church, til I felt a release from God. Again, I must reinterate that I am not preaching here, this is what is getting me thru this mess. I must stress that we all need someone to come along side us to help us and we all believe in something or someone. Even for those who don't believe in anything or anyone you still need a support system, a circle of friends that you can depend on when you are at your lowest, to be there to pick you up. Also, you need someone outside the situation, like a counselor, who can give you good sound advice and possibly help you to resolve it. I honestly don't know what I would have don't with my friends. People who are willing to go to bat for me and with me, pray with me, listen to me even when I cry on the phone.
Then there are my cats - I just love my cats. Even tho they are no substitute for a human being, it is nice to to have someone to come home to. They need me, don't argue, love on me, annoy me, purr and just all around make it pleasant to be home. However, they are not a substitute for human contact or my granddaughters. The other thing that makes all this tough; is being single. Singleness just isn't for everyone, and it isn't for me. Altho, I haven't had much luck in finding anyone, not that I have been searching. I don't search for men, I am letting God do the bring us together.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Serious migraine story
12/10/14 -- {Sept.- Oct.} This headache was unlike anything that I had every experienced, in my life. I have a high pain tolerance but when it comes to a headache, that is a whole other story. When I have a headache, that has to be GONE, like yesterday! I just can't handle headaches, much at all, especially the ones that I get. They seem to be pretty intense. Well, this one was the most intense that I have experienced! When I am light headed and my balance is very off, that is a problem. My friend D came and took me to the emergency room, she even called from her car, to have a nurse come out with a wheelchair, to wheel me in; which was a good idea. I only had to answer a few questions then they wheeled me right back to a room. I had given D my boss's number so she could call to let him know that I wouldn't be into work that day and why.
In the meantime, I was in a room getting questioned and examined by a nurse then a doctor. They first tried a pain medication that I have taken, "norco" before, they gave it about an hour or so, plus an ct scan was done, since that had already been ordered and approved by Dr. S and insurance. The trip to the ct room was a rather dizzying experience, literally! They had to slide me off the bed onto the table then back onto the bed, after the ct scan because I was afraid that I would pass out! Once I was returned to my room, the Pastor showed up. I had texted him to let hm know where I was but didn't expected him to show up! I was surprised, he prayed with me then moved on to go visit someone upstairs. Right before he left, my attending doctor come running in because he heard about my dizzying experience to and from the ct scan. Again, he tested me for stroke, then left me alone for a little while. Then the Pastor left. A little while later the attending doctor came in and did another assessment and decided to give an IV with fluids and included a narcotic to nock down the headache. That is exactly what it took, a narcotic to nock it back plus I was given something for my interpretation of dizziness. I was in the ER for 6 hours just to figure things out and get the headache under control.
In the meantime, I was in a room getting questioned and examined by a nurse then a doctor. They first tried a pain medication that I have taken, "norco" before, they gave it about an hour or so, plus an ct scan was done, since that had already been ordered and approved by Dr. S and insurance. The trip to the ct room was a rather dizzying experience, literally! They had to slide me off the bed onto the table then back onto the bed, after the ct scan because I was afraid that I would pass out! Once I was returned to my room, the Pastor showed up. I had texted him to let hm know where I was but didn't expected him to show up! I was surprised, he prayed with me then moved on to go visit someone upstairs. Right before he left, my attending doctor come running in because he heard about my dizzying experience to and from the ct scan. Again, he tested me for stroke, then left me alone for a little while. Then the Pastor left. A little while later the attending doctor came in and did another assessment and decided to give an IV with fluids and included a narcotic to nock down the headache. That is exactly what it took, a narcotic to nock it back plus I was given something for my interpretation of dizziness. I was in the ER for 6 hours just to figure things out and get the headache under control.
D took me home after taking me for lunch and making sure I was going to be ok. I did end up with a script for Meclizine to take of the dizziness that seems to be accompaning this headache.
I did see Dr. S who ordered an MRI after getting approval because that can see thing the ct scan can see of the brain, just to rule out a stroke in a part of the brain unseen by the ct scan or a tumor or something. The MRI did come out negative which means that this is an accumulative stress related headache(in my mind). Dr. S really didn't say yay or nay to that but he didn't have any other explanation but he was trying to help me come up with solutions to relieve the pain. We came up with immitrex for quick relief but then he wanted me to consider Topamax-he gave me the run down on the side effects, one of which struck me as funny, yet kinda scared me. I discussed this with D but she vehemently against it (the nurse part of her) I check it out for myself. I prayed about it and sought out council just to be sure I was on the right path because I just could deal with the pain and I knew I couldn't be continue taking immitrex. Topamax is migraine preventer once it is in your system and the side effects subside one it's in your system.
I am taking the Topamax which has really help to relieve the headache, the only time it doesn't seem to help is when stress is higher than normal. That stress level has only happened once, that was the day of my baby granddaughter's 1st birthday party. I never suffered any of the negative side effects to which I am very thankful.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
The Continued Struggle
12/8/14 -- {Aug.- Sept.} Please forgive me, I am not going to specifically date things any more, because I don't want it to seem like I am writing a journal or something.
There was a point when I emailed the Pastor and requested that he called me, at the place where I work, I provided him with the landline number, because cell service is rather scetchy, especially the calling aspect. The Pastor did call and we talked for a while, I was discussing my issues with not being able to concentrate on reading the Bible, which to me is important for me to be able to do, I was having problems with focusing on the daily reading plan. I just couldn't focus on anything that I was reading. He gave me some suggestions and offered to allow me to borrow his topic Bible. The Topic Bible has things organized according to topics, major topics. The Pastor was very helpful, encouraging and calming as we talked. He said that it was perfectly normal and ok to be unable to focus on a large group of scriptures at once. He suggested take a topic, then a scripture, then a verse or two and meditate or think on that a while. That was a great suggestion and one that I planned on putting into practice. I did stop by the Pastor's house and pick up his Topic Bible and used it for several months.
In case you are wondering, my boss really didn't know what was going on. I did a good job of keeping things under wraps, from him, what was going on. I really didn't want him to be concerned while I was going thru all of this. It wasn't the work time that I had any issues, it was the times that I would be on the way home from work, then once I was home that the battle was on. I would take the little man with me to my therapy sessions, he would waiting room, and watch tv while I was talking with either Dr. J or J. B. However, my boss does now know what the therapy sessions are about, altho he has no idea how serious things were in July, that is something that he most likely will never know, it is just something that isn't necessary for him to know.
I am totally amazed at how much of a struggle it is to maintain an even keel. I am so grateful for the few selected friends that were, still are, available to me when I need extra help, prayer, and encouragement. I would like to remind anyone reading this, it doesn't matter your "religious" background when you are in a dark, dark place you need people around you to help you thru, up and out of the dark [for me hole] People that you can call or text whenever and say, hey I struggling with ??? or ??? and they are willing to just listen and encourage, validate your feelings and even allow you to cry on the phone. You even need someone that is willing to come to your place of residence and stop you from doing something stupid, if they sense that in your voice, but they know you well enough that you really don't want to do that thing. Let's face it, none of us who, are faced with the reality of suicide, don't really want to die, not truly, in our hearts. I didn't. There has been at least 2 occasions where someone came to my apt and just listened to me, cried with me and yes prayed with me, {if the pray thing isn't for you then that won't happen, obviously} Yet, sometimes, you might be surprised at yourself, when you are in that place where you see nothing else.
There were a couple more pretty decent hurdles that I viewed, coming up, that I just wasn't sure about, a wedding that I was asked to help in the reception, and a birthday party that I was struggling with not getting my hopes tooooooo high in getting invited to; my baby granddaughter's first birthday party. Of all the big days in her life, that is one that I definitely wanted to be apart of. Talk about a struggle! Most people have no idea how hard it is to NOT have any expectations! It is really hard to not expect to bet invited to the one thing that you REEEEAAALLLLY want/need to be invited to - you should be there and everyone that is in the know, knows you should be there.
While all of this is mulling around in my head, I get struck with this unbelievable headache, that just wouldn't go away, no matter what I did. I dealt with it the best I could for about a week, even communicating with my PCP (primary care physician) who, after a visit to his office had ordered an CT scan to on my brain to check my brain for clots and such but said not use unless necessary. In the mean time he had put in a request in the insurance company, unknown to me at the time. Well, by Thursday of that week (this was Sept 19) when I woke up for work, I just couldn't handle it any more. By the time it was about time for work I ended up calling my friend D, who just happened to pick up her phone, and asked her to take me to the ER. The headache was so intense that I was dizzy and I just couldn't go to work, I just was sooooo miserable.
There was a point when I emailed the Pastor and requested that he called me, at the place where I work, I provided him with the landline number, because cell service is rather scetchy, especially the calling aspect. The Pastor did call and we talked for a while, I was discussing my issues with not being able to concentrate on reading the Bible, which to me is important for me to be able to do, I was having problems with focusing on the daily reading plan. I just couldn't focus on anything that I was reading. He gave me some suggestions and offered to allow me to borrow his topic Bible. The Topic Bible has things organized according to topics, major topics. The Pastor was very helpful, encouraging and calming as we talked. He said that it was perfectly normal and ok to be unable to focus on a large group of scriptures at once. He suggested take a topic, then a scripture, then a verse or two and meditate or think on that a while. That was a great suggestion and one that I planned on putting into practice. I did stop by the Pastor's house and pick up his Topic Bible and used it for several months.
In case you are wondering, my boss really didn't know what was going on. I did a good job of keeping things under wraps, from him, what was going on. I really didn't want him to be concerned while I was going thru all of this. It wasn't the work time that I had any issues, it was the times that I would be on the way home from work, then once I was home that the battle was on. I would take the little man with me to my therapy sessions, he would waiting room, and watch tv while I was talking with either Dr. J or J. B. However, my boss does now know what the therapy sessions are about, altho he has no idea how serious things were in July, that is something that he most likely will never know, it is just something that isn't necessary for him to know.
I am totally amazed at how much of a struggle it is to maintain an even keel. I am so grateful for the few selected friends that were, still are, available to me when I need extra help, prayer, and encouragement. I would like to remind anyone reading this, it doesn't matter your "religious" background when you are in a dark, dark place you need people around you to help you thru, up and out of the dark [for me hole] People that you can call or text whenever and say, hey I struggling with ??? or ??? and they are willing to just listen and encourage, validate your feelings and even allow you to cry on the phone. You even need someone that is willing to come to your place of residence and stop you from doing something stupid, if they sense that in your voice, but they know you well enough that you really don't want to do that thing. Let's face it, none of us who, are faced with the reality of suicide, don't really want to die, not truly, in our hearts. I didn't. There has been at least 2 occasions where someone came to my apt and just listened to me, cried with me and yes prayed with me, {if the pray thing isn't for you then that won't happen, obviously} Yet, sometimes, you might be surprised at yourself, when you are in that place where you see nothing else.
There were a couple more pretty decent hurdles that I viewed, coming up, that I just wasn't sure about, a wedding that I was asked to help in the reception, and a birthday party that I was struggling with not getting my hopes tooooooo high in getting invited to; my baby granddaughter's first birthday party. Of all the big days in her life, that is one that I definitely wanted to be apart of. Talk about a struggle! Most people have no idea how hard it is to NOT have any expectations! It is really hard to not expect to bet invited to the one thing that you REEEEAAALLLLY want/need to be invited to - you should be there and everyone that is in the know, knows you should be there.
While all of this is mulling around in my head, I get struck with this unbelievable headache, that just wouldn't go away, no matter what I did. I dealt with it the best I could for about a week, even communicating with my PCP (primary care physician) who, after a visit to his office had ordered an CT scan to on my brain to check my brain for clots and such but said not use unless necessary. In the mean time he had put in a request in the insurance company, unknown to me at the time. Well, by Thursday of that week (this was Sept 19) when I woke up for work, I just couldn't handle it any more. By the time it was about time for work I ended up calling my friend D, who just happened to pick up her phone, and asked her to take me to the ER. The headache was so intense that I was dizzy and I just couldn't go to work, I just was sooooo miserable.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Continuing on
12/4/14 -- {8/3/14} I did manage to do to church but not without much struggle which again has become the norm for me. I had texted friend L because she always encourages me despite the fact we go to different services depending on whether she works or not. She does wait around to see me when she does work, to make sure we connect.
I was really struggling with the way the I was feeling during the reception last night. I really struggled with seeing my son and not him not even speaking to me, not treating me with any kind of respect. I did go to church, the 10:30am service, cafe' in different part of the building altho, my daughter in-law, was making an effort to allow me to see my baby granddaughter. she sought me out and allowed me to hold the little cutie. There were a number of different times that I was able to see my baby granddaughter either because she sought me out or because I found her in the bathroom, or something along that line. The problem was that I just couldn't go up to them and give them hugs or hold her, anytime that I did that I was turned away, which was embarrassing. I quit doing that! It was hurtful and just wrong for him to say that I couldn't hold my baby granddaughter! It just became a battle for me to go to church every single sunday even tho I was going to a different service even a different time, the problem was I never really knew when they were going to be on the worship team. Whenever they were on the worship team they were at the church all day, which really made it difficult.
I went into the cafe' service, got my coffee and sat down. I did my best to focus on the worship and the true reason that I was suppose to be there. That was really difficult. I am really surprised at how difficult it was for me to hone in on the worship. I don't really remember the message that was preached either and that is really just as pathetic, yet not really considering the frame of mind I was in. I just couldn't concentrate on much of anything at time. My mind was still on last night and how my son barely acknowledged that I was there. I know that I went for Jon and Claire not for any other reason but given all that I was dealing with that is what I was struggling with. So, that afternoon, I sent a text to the Pastor, who didn't get back to as quickly as I really wanted him to but I did remember him saying something about working on him roof. He did call me later that night and we talked for awhile, he was very helpful and calming to listen to. I was able to go to sleep, he was ok even allowing me to cry on the phone, the Pastor is so cool, and so understanding. After talking to the Pastor I was able to go to sleep, sort of.
I was really struggling with the way the I was feeling during the reception last night. I really struggled with seeing my son and not him not even speaking to me, not treating me with any kind of respect. I did go to church, the 10:30am service, cafe' in different part of the building altho, my daughter in-law, was making an effort to allow me to see my baby granddaughter. she sought me out and allowed me to hold the little cutie. There were a number of different times that I was able to see my baby granddaughter either because she sought me out or because I found her in the bathroom, or something along that line. The problem was that I just couldn't go up to them and give them hugs or hold her, anytime that I did that I was turned away, which was embarrassing. I quit doing that! It was hurtful and just wrong for him to say that I couldn't hold my baby granddaughter! It just became a battle for me to go to church every single sunday even tho I was going to a different service even a different time, the problem was I never really knew when they were going to be on the worship team. Whenever they were on the worship team they were at the church all day, which really made it difficult.
I went into the cafe' service, got my coffee and sat down. I did my best to focus on the worship and the true reason that I was suppose to be there. That was really difficult. I am really surprised at how difficult it was for me to hone in on the worship. I don't really remember the message that was preached either and that is really just as pathetic, yet not really considering the frame of mind I was in. I just couldn't concentrate on much of anything at time. My mind was still on last night and how my son barely acknowledged that I was there. I know that I went for Jon and Claire not for any other reason but given all that I was dealing with that is what I was struggling with. So, that afternoon, I sent a text to the Pastor, who didn't get back to as quickly as I really wanted him to but I did remember him saying something about working on him roof. He did call me later that night and we talked for awhile, he was very helpful and calming to listen to. I was able to go to sleep, he was ok even allowing me to cry on the phone, the Pastor is so cool, and so understanding. After talking to the Pastor I was able to go to sleep, sort of.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Continuing On
12/3/14 -- [8/2/14] The wedding that I was personally invited to was beautiful. It awesome to see this young man happy. I was totally surprised to see that he found someone so quickly but God works mysteriously and it was great that there was distance between them because if it wasn't meant to be then that was the test, as to whether the relationship was meant to be or not. I was glad to be there, yet not so much, because of my son. On the one hand it was kind of torture to be at the reception and I was glad when the people that I rode with were ready to go. When I got home, I just broke down, I was so exhausted and relieved to be home.
Being alone really sucks, having no one in my apartment to discuss things with is really annoying and drives me crazy because it makes it so much harder to get all this crap out. I have done a lot of crying, to the point that I am getting tired of crying. I really can't believe that one person can cause so much pain in another person. When I got married then divorced from my son's dad, I never imagined that his dad would me cause so much pain. I never imagined that the man I thought had loved me so much would hurt me in the way that he did.
Then to have our son, turn around and do the same thing, the difference being that our son and I were much closer, our relationship was much better, at least I thought it was. Apparently, that had no bearing on how he is treating me right now. The way he is acting is a 180 degree difference from the young man that came back from YWAM let alone from the young man that I raised. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that this person who is treating me with such disrespect and rejection is my son, the child that I gave birth to and raised! I am telling you, emotional pain is quite different than physical pain. I can handle physical pain a heck of a whole lot better than this emotional pain. (with exception to headaches) This emotional pain really makes me want to run for the hills! Or, in many cases take your own life, like I once seriously thought about, at this point I was still thinking about, on occasion. I can totally understand how you can get lost in the pain and see no other avenue but taking your own life. Once that door is opened it is super duper hard to close it again on your own. Now, for me the suicidal thoughts I was having terrified me into getting help. Unfortunately or fortunately [however you look at it] I didn't go to my friends first. I went to my doctor, who referred me to the behavioral health department of the clinic, then I reached out to my friends, BUT an extremely small circle of friends to start with. I was surprised to find out that some of these friends had also dealt with the same issues that I was dealing with.
I think, at first I was either ashamed or uncomfortable with going to my friends, not sure which, hence the reason I went to my doctor. At least I went to somebody, truth be told, I really didn't want to die.
Being alone really sucks, having no one in my apartment to discuss things with is really annoying and drives me crazy because it makes it so much harder to get all this crap out. I have done a lot of crying, to the point that I am getting tired of crying. I really can't believe that one person can cause so much pain in another person. When I got married then divorced from my son's dad, I never imagined that his dad would me cause so much pain. I never imagined that the man I thought had loved me so much would hurt me in the way that he did.
Then to have our son, turn around and do the same thing, the difference being that our son and I were much closer, our relationship was much better, at least I thought it was. Apparently, that had no bearing on how he is treating me right now. The way he is acting is a 180 degree difference from the young man that came back from YWAM let alone from the young man that I raised. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that this person who is treating me with such disrespect and rejection is my son, the child that I gave birth to and raised! I am telling you, emotional pain is quite different than physical pain. I can handle physical pain a heck of a whole lot better than this emotional pain. (with exception to headaches) This emotional pain really makes me want to run for the hills! Or, in many cases take your own life, like I once seriously thought about, at this point I was still thinking about, on occasion. I can totally understand how you can get lost in the pain and see no other avenue but taking your own life. Once that door is opened it is super duper hard to close it again on your own. Now, for me the suicidal thoughts I was having terrified me into getting help. Unfortunately or fortunately [however you look at it] I didn't go to my friends first. I went to my doctor, who referred me to the behavioral health department of the clinic, then I reached out to my friends, BUT an extremely small circle of friends to start with. I was surprised to find out that some of these friends had also dealt with the same issues that I was dealing with.
I think, at first I was either ashamed or uncomfortable with going to my friends, not sure which, hence the reason I went to my doctor. At least I went to somebody, truth be told, I really didn't want to die.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Such a Difficult Time
12/2/14 -- {7/23/14} This was the start of an interesting series of days, I think. Still working on getting out of this hole, still trying to process so much stuff, that it's unreal. My friend D requested that I make a door hanger that said "do not disturb" so that when she is napping or something she can put it on her door knob and she won't be bothered by people in her apt building.
Sometime during the day I received surprise text from a young friend of my son's who I had developed a special friendship with, who was getting married, soon. I had resigned myself to the idea that i wasn't going to the wedding or the reception, after all, I hadn't received an invitation. Well, he text to seriously apologize for not making sure that i received one and he wanted to personally deliver an invitation himself, so we set up a time for him and his finance' to do that. That really made me feel good. So, then of course I had to go shopping for a wedding gift for them, first time I had ever done that. I took a young M with me to do that. I saw the next bride's mom at the store and we discussed colors of yarn because I already knew what I was going to make the next bride and her hubby to be for their wedding gift, and it had to do with their favorite colors.
Little miss M persuaded me to purchase this awesome multicolored zebra print bigger couch pillow to brighten up my living room, after we were done shopping I took her home, then I went home. The next day, I ended up going back to the store, in the morning to purchase another pillow, had to have two. (Now, one of my cats has claimed one of them as his to sleep on) They are nice and soft, quite cuddly.
I did go to the wedding and reception later that day, which was nice. However, I had a difficult time at the reception because my son barely acknowledged my existence. It was extremely difficult to see him having so much fun with his friends and not at least stopping to say "hi" to me. My son was in the bridal party which made it a guarantee that I would see him. I was glad to leave when the Hauris were ready to go.
I totally struggled with a lot of emotions during the past week and ongoing weeks. The digesting of info and suggestions from the counselor, and Pastors, even the Psychiatrist. Even the whole idea that I have to go to see a therapist is one for me to digest. I just never in a million years, thought I would be having to see one. The one thing that I really struggled with is missing my baby granddaughter, well all 3 of them, but the baby for sure: because I wanted to have a chance to watch her grow up and for her to know me as her grandma. (maybe even her favorite grandma) Honestly, I am missing my son, going from being so close to having absolutely no relationship is a major loss to me. This does feel like a loss, it may not be an actual loss, like permanently gone, but it's a loss nonetheless. What makes this so extremely difficult is the fact that they are in Monroe and (in my mind) there is no excuse as to why we can't resolve things. No excuse other than his stubbornness.
Sometime during the day I received surprise text from a young friend of my son's who I had developed a special friendship with, who was getting married, soon. I had resigned myself to the idea that i wasn't going to the wedding or the reception, after all, I hadn't received an invitation. Well, he text to seriously apologize for not making sure that i received one and he wanted to personally deliver an invitation himself, so we set up a time for him and his finance' to do that. That really made me feel good. So, then of course I had to go shopping for a wedding gift for them, first time I had ever done that. I took a young M with me to do that. I saw the next bride's mom at the store and we discussed colors of yarn because I already knew what I was going to make the next bride and her hubby to be for their wedding gift, and it had to do with their favorite colors.
Little miss M persuaded me to purchase this awesome multicolored zebra print bigger couch pillow to brighten up my living room, after we were done shopping I took her home, then I went home. The next day, I ended up going back to the store, in the morning to purchase another pillow, had to have two. (Now, one of my cats has claimed one of them as his to sleep on) They are nice and soft, quite cuddly.
I did go to the wedding and reception later that day, which was nice. However, I had a difficult time at the reception because my son barely acknowledged my existence. It was extremely difficult to see him having so much fun with his friends and not at least stopping to say "hi" to me. My son was in the bridal party which made it a guarantee that I would see him. I was glad to leave when the Hauris were ready to go.
I totally struggled with a lot of emotions during the past week and ongoing weeks. The digesting of info and suggestions from the counselor, and Pastors, even the Psychiatrist. Even the whole idea that I have to go to see a therapist is one for me to digest. I just never in a million years, thought I would be having to see one. The one thing that I really struggled with is missing my baby granddaughter, well all 3 of them, but the baby for sure: because I wanted to have a chance to watch her grow up and for her to know me as her grandma. (maybe even her favorite grandma) Honestly, I am missing my son, going from being so close to having absolutely no relationship is a major loss to me. This does feel like a loss, it may not be an actual loss, like permanently gone, but it's a loss nonetheless. What makes this so extremely difficult is the fact that they are in Monroe and (in my mind) there is no excuse as to why we can't resolve things. No excuse other than his stubbornness.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Present Day
I did have a great time at my friend M's house for Thanksgiving, I spent the night and came home yesterday afternoon. I just didn't want to leave right after dinner and drive while it was dark, and still it was thanksgiving. I am so grateful that my friends treat me like family because my son, who is my immediate family, treats me likes an enemy. That really sucks and is uncalled for!
Please forgive me if you don't like that I bring my beliefs into this, but for me, I have too because my beliefs are what help me. Everyone has something or someone they believe in, for me it is Jesus Christ. He has helped me so far and I know he will help the rest of the way. I won't preach at you or shove my belief down your throat, this is just my story thru my depression/suicidal thoughts/depression and working through this crazy mess that has become my life for this season. I have to say that having friends that stand by you no matter what. tI really does help to help to have someone to call, text, or email to say hey " I am struggling with this or that" so they can encourage you or get you additional help if there is that need.
When I got to M's house, on their front door they have a sign that says: "This house is guarded by the Mastiff security Patrol" I think, something along that line. They have two English Mastiffs, girls. Those two dogs are something else. They like to play but you don't want to get two 100lb dogs all wound up, trust me. You will be flattened! Lol! When I sit on their couch I pretty much have to take off my glasses, at first, because Emma, will want to play. She really likes me, she lay next to me and just let me pet her.
I have to say, I really didn't want to leave M's house but because I have responsibilities that I have to take care of, I had to, plus they were going to visit his dad before he underwent back surgery. Also, my mom is planning on coming up so I had to come home. Reality just sucks, but that is where my belief in God comes in and my friends come in because between those two things they are a big help to me.
That picture above is of my Bear cat, he is 14 years old and about 18lb he is such a big baby. He purrs like rolling motor or something. He is my boy, I tell you, I don't know what I would do without him and Penni girl, the little kitty, when I come home.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Emotions
11/25/14 -- [7/20/14] Not only was I suppose to go to church because I had something to give to somebody but my mom was coming up to spend some time with me. Whenever she comes up we always go out to lunch then back to my place to talk for a while. I was really struggling with seeing all those people, but I did know that my son and family weren't going to be in town, which is unfortunate for them because that was part of why mom was coming up.
My emotions are just so close to the surface right now that I wasn't sure just how I would react around all those people. I have been extremely careful to not put anything on Facebook, as a matter of fact, I hadn't been I facebook much at all during the course of the worst of this.
So many things that I just didn't understand; why I hurt so much, why my heart felt like it was broken, why my son rejected me, the one who brought him into this world and raised him alone, gave him everything that I possibly could without totally spoiling him rotten. How I ended up in such a deep hole that I can but barely see the light and I do mean barely. I can't even concentrate on the Word of God, let alone get a decent night of sleep. The fact that I have considered taking my own life, even had a method, rather than confront and deal with this kind of pain; is something else that just blows my mind.
Emotional pain is sooooo much more painful than physical pain. I can handle a lot of physical pain with exception to headaches, but emotional pain sure is a whole different ball game! I had absolutely no idea just how painful a broken heart could be. I thought I did when my ex husband rejected me, in the bedroom, after becoming pregnant and after having his child but that was nothing compared to this rejection! Being rejection by your own child is pain like no other!
I after I bought these sweet notebooks, I started writing everything down. I was able to write again. The words just began to flow and flow, it was hard to stop at first. I even ordered my favorite ink pens from the website so that I could have many different colors like I like to have when I journal. It really helped to be able to write down all my feelings, it was an alternate way to vent my feelings since I really didn't have anyone to express them to, in my apartment.
My emotions are just so close to the surface right now that I wasn't sure just how I would react around all those people. I have been extremely careful to not put anything on Facebook, as a matter of fact, I hadn't been I facebook much at all during the course of the worst of this.
So many things that I just didn't understand; why I hurt so much, why my heart felt like it was broken, why my son rejected me, the one who brought him into this world and raised him alone, gave him everything that I possibly could without totally spoiling him rotten. How I ended up in such a deep hole that I can but barely see the light and I do mean barely. I can't even concentrate on the Word of God, let alone get a decent night of sleep. The fact that I have considered taking my own life, even had a method, rather than confront and deal with this kind of pain; is something else that just blows my mind.
Emotional pain is sooooo much more painful than physical pain. I can handle a lot of physical pain with exception to headaches, but emotional pain sure is a whole different ball game! I had absolutely no idea just how painful a broken heart could be. I thought I did when my ex husband rejected me, in the bedroom, after becoming pregnant and after having his child but that was nothing compared to this rejection! Being rejection by your own child is pain like no other!
I after I bought these sweet notebooks, I started writing everything down. I was able to write again. The words just began to flow and flow, it was hard to stop at first. I even ordered my favorite ink pens from the website so that I could have many different colors like I like to have when I journal. It really helped to be able to write down all my feelings, it was an alternate way to vent my feelings since I really didn't have anyone to express them to, in my apartment.
Monday, November 24, 2014
New Experience
11/24/14 -- {7/18/14} I don't think I have ever been so glad to get home as I was that day, from shopping. I have heard plenty of stories from people that have experienced panic attacks but I, myself, have never experienced one, before today. That was the strangest experience ever. My heart was racing, I just had this urgent need to bolt out of the store. Thankfully I was done with my shopping, it just meant that I wasn't going to be getting anything extra, I went directly to the check out, paid for my stuff and left. I didn't even go to F&F to get some stuff for my kitties like I wanted because I just couldn't bring myself to go into another store.
When I got home, I sat down and collected myself, and made a mental note to make sure that I mention it to my Psychiatrist and Therapist to see what they thought about the experience.
At the very same time I was experiencing this panic attack, I received a text from a special young friend, C, requesting that I help at her wedding reception. That request caused me to actually to take a step back and reread the text, it brought tears to my eyes. To this day, she has absolutely no idea how much that simple request meant to me. We, texted back and for a few then I headed out of the store, of course, after paying for the stuff I went in there to get. This young lady has been awesome to watch blossom in her growth in the Lord and as a young lady. Then, to watch as a relationship between a special man and her grows and blossoms ultimately culminating in a very beautiful marriage has been awesome.
The marriage ceremony was the first one in a very long time where the bride was actually veiled. It's almost as if the "veiled bride" as gone out of fashion, which I think that is something that should always be a long standing tradition. (Sorry, I did jump a little too far ahead)
One of the major struggles that I had, for a number of days -- especially on the 4th of July when I saw that dumb picture; I wanted to gather everything I have in my place, pertaining to somebody, and dump it all where they would see it. Seeing some of them every day seriously causes me pain, I really didn't know what to do about it.
When I got home, I sat down and collected myself, and made a mental note to make sure that I mention it to my Psychiatrist and Therapist to see what they thought about the experience.
At the very same time I was experiencing this panic attack, I received a text from a special young friend, C, requesting that I help at her wedding reception. That request caused me to actually to take a step back and reread the text, it brought tears to my eyes. To this day, she has absolutely no idea how much that simple request meant to me. We, texted back and for a few then I headed out of the store, of course, after paying for the stuff I went in there to get. This young lady has been awesome to watch blossom in her growth in the Lord and as a young lady. Then, to watch as a relationship between a special man and her grows and blossoms ultimately culminating in a very beautiful marriage has been awesome.
The marriage ceremony was the first one in a very long time where the bride was actually veiled. It's almost as if the "veiled bride" as gone out of fashion, which I think that is something that should always be a long standing tradition. (Sorry, I did jump a little too far ahead)
One of the major struggles that I had, for a number of days -- especially on the 4th of July when I saw that dumb picture; I wanted to gather everything I have in my place, pertaining to somebody, and dump it all where they would see it. Seeing some of them every day seriously causes me pain, I really didn't know what to do about it.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
The Present day
11/22/14 -- So it is Saturday, before Thanksgiving; I had a visit with my Therapist this past Monday and I wasn't sure what I was going to do for Thanksgiving because my dad said "no" to my invitation to do dinner on that day. My mom has to work and she did warn me that he may say "no", but I was hoping that if I did the inviting he might say " yes" but no. Well, my dad said "no", needless to say, even though I wasn't surprised, I was and honestly still am feeling bummed.
So anyway, I am at work earlier this week when I get text from my friend M, inviting me to their place for Thanksgiving dinner; when I saw that text I actually got tears in my eyes. We texted back and forth for a few minutes. I don't know why but sometimes I am blown away when someone tells me they miss me, who isn't my family. At the same time it hurts like heck that my own family does seem to miss me. (My son and family)
Right now, as I sit here typing this out I am actually struggling with the stuff that I have to do today. However, this time I can't not do the stuff this week because it simply has to be done. I have to grocery shop for food and for the Samaritan's Purse Christmas box, so I have no choice to go do what I gotta do, today.
I woke up with a headache despite having taken the Topamax last night, I also have taken the medication this morning but the headache is still in my head but not just not all that intense, which a good thing. The headache have been figured out, at least in my mind as long term stress related. So, the Topamax is helping to keep the headache in check. [ I will fill you in on the whole headache story later]
Well, I got my stuff done. Fought thru a little bit of tears right before going into Aldi's. I was able to get pretty much everything at Aldi's, which is always nice, I did for get to get pork chops so had to get them at Pick-n-Save. Being single is also what makes this tough, I think. I am not particularly fond of being single.
Friday, November 21, 2014
After Counselling Session
11/20/14 -- [7/18/14] I felt somewhat better after the counselling session with both Pastors and the therapist. I was actually feeling like there was I teeny tiny light at the end of the looonnng tunnel. I still felt like I was clawing my way out of a deeeep hole like tunnel that I could kind of see a speck of light at the top of now. However, I was not looking forward to the weekend. I did make a stupid move, and make a commitment to going to church so that I could give Mrs. S something that I made for their family. I say stupid, because I really didn't want to go to church, but I made the commitment so I had to go. I really had a battle about going to church, cause I new that I would see some people that I wasn't too thrilled about seeing, with exception to some special children. I do love a number of children, so there a some very special children that I have missed seeing in my absence from church.
I text my friend L expressing my struggle with going to church on Sunday, she did encourage me and said that I could sit with her except for the fact that she was going to the early service because she had to work. I told her that I couldn't back out because I had told someone that I was bringing something for them, so I had to come. She said good. Good for her maybe, is what I was thinking, the only real good thing, I was thinking is that I would get to see my grandchildren.
Saturday, just before all the school supplies went on sale, I went to Shopko with the intentions of purchasing a notebook or two for journaling but really couldn't find what I was looking for. Not sure what that was, at first any way. I went back to the rest of the school supply section that I knew was set up in the back of the store and started looking at all the notebooks. Low and behold I discovered some animal printed notebooks of four different patterns, I ended up coming home with 3 out of ended up being 6 designs. After the conversations that I had with the Pastors and the Counselor, it was like the floodgates opened up, I was able to write in my journal again. Being able to write in my journal again was very helpful because it help to unload everything going on in my mind. I still ended up watching Mythbusters alot on netflix because I still was really struggling and Mythbusters helped to distract me from dwelling on the issues that weighed heaviest on my heart, especially since I couldn't do anything about it anyway.
As I was out shopping, I had made another stop at a grocery store after Shopko, I had to pick up a few things. I had just picked up the last thing on my list when I had what I felt like was a panic attack. I just had this great, absolute need, to leave the store, like NOW, thankfully I was on my way to the check out, then anyway. I have never had a panic attack before, but have heard of other people having them, so what I felt was like what I had heard described to me. I didn't even have the nerve to go to Farm and Fleet to pick up something for my furballs, that's how freaked out I was about it.
I text my friend L expressing my struggle with going to church on Sunday, she did encourage me and said that I could sit with her except for the fact that she was going to the early service because she had to work. I told her that I couldn't back out because I had told someone that I was bringing something for them, so I had to come. She said good. Good for her maybe, is what I was thinking, the only real good thing, I was thinking is that I would get to see my grandchildren.
Saturday, just before all the school supplies went on sale, I went to Shopko with the intentions of purchasing a notebook or two for journaling but really couldn't find what I was looking for. Not sure what that was, at first any way. I went back to the rest of the school supply section that I knew was set up in the back of the store and started looking at all the notebooks. Low and behold I discovered some animal printed notebooks of four different patterns, I ended up coming home with 3 out of ended up being 6 designs. After the conversations that I had with the Pastors and the Counselor, it was like the floodgates opened up, I was able to write in my journal again. Being able to write in my journal again was very helpful because it help to unload everything going on in my mind. I still ended up watching Mythbusters alot on netflix because I still was really struggling and Mythbusters helped to distract me from dwelling on the issues that weighed heaviest on my heart, especially since I couldn't do anything about it anyway.
As I was out shopping, I had made another stop at a grocery store after Shopko, I had to pick up a few things. I had just picked up the last thing on my list when I had what I felt like was a panic attack. I just had this great, absolute need, to leave the store, like NOW, thankfully I was on my way to the check out, then anyway. I have never had a panic attack before, but have heard of other people having them, so what I felt was like what I had heard described to me. I didn't even have the nerve to go to Farm and Fleet to pick up something for my furballs, that's how freaked out I was about it.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Meeting the Counselor
11/19/14 -- {7/17/14} The meeting between the two Pastors went well, I left feeling somewhat better having unloaded my burden, yet sad because my son backed out so no resolution had happened. The child I brought with me was relieved that I was done, he was ready to go home, the meeting went longer than I expected. I was still stunned at how patient the Pastor was and how much he availed himself to me, just one of his many sheep in his flock (congregation) by letting me text him at any time and calling me whenever he had time and I requested it.
My boss got home from work in just enough time for me to make it to my appointment at 6pm, to see my counselor for the first time. His name is J. B., not sure if he is a "dr" or not but either way I like him. It was very helpful to unload all the emotion and heartache to him and he gave a perspective that no one else gave, which, for me is much needed.
J. B., my counselor, is very nice and understanding. Not only that but extremely good at picking up subtle changes in facial expressions when telling a story or experience, and having you relate those feeling at the time of the particular detail in the story. He was very comforting and helpful, he likes to end every session with a joke or something to make you smile or laugh. He gave me an assignment, at the end of our first session which was to come up with 5 things a day to be grateful for, til our next session. He gave the technical explanation for it, but I totally get the reason for beyond the technical reasoning. I did my best to do that, there were some days that it was easy and some days not so much. At the end, as we were walking out and down the hall, he said that his professional feelings can't be hurt and that if I didn't want to stick with him he was ok with that, I told him that I was perfectly fine with him. I told him that I needed a male opinion on what is going on because I have plenty of female input (nothing against my female friends) but it is good to have some male objective opinions and input as well. That is why I don't mind when friend L talks to her hubby R about what I spoke to her about because whatever input he has is greatly appreciated, plus whenever he's within earshot of our conversations and has any opinion I truly don't mind that he interjects because he is a guy and he has a different perspective on things that we as women do.
Before leaving the Behavioral Health department I had to make a series of appointments with J.B. to help me sort out all this garbage. Boy, after walking out of that building, I tell you I felt as if some weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had spoken to two Pastors and a Counselor. I could actually feel the "fog" in my mind lifting. I was even making plans on purchasing a notebook or two so that I could start journaling again, after I got paid.
My boss got home from work in just enough time for me to make it to my appointment at 6pm, to see my counselor for the first time. His name is J. B., not sure if he is a "dr" or not but either way I like him. It was very helpful to unload all the emotion and heartache to him and he gave a perspective that no one else gave, which, for me is much needed.
J. B., my counselor, is very nice and understanding. Not only that but extremely good at picking up subtle changes in facial expressions when telling a story or experience, and having you relate those feeling at the time of the particular detail in the story. He was very comforting and helpful, he likes to end every session with a joke or something to make you smile or laugh. He gave me an assignment, at the end of our first session which was to come up with 5 things a day to be grateful for, til our next session. He gave the technical explanation for it, but I totally get the reason for beyond the technical reasoning. I did my best to do that, there were some days that it was easy and some days not so much. At the end, as we were walking out and down the hall, he said that his professional feelings can't be hurt and that if I didn't want to stick with him he was ok with that, I told him that I was perfectly fine with him. I told him that I needed a male opinion on what is going on because I have plenty of female input (nothing against my female friends) but it is good to have some male objective opinions and input as well. That is why I don't mind when friend L talks to her hubby R about what I spoke to her about because whatever input he has is greatly appreciated, plus whenever he's within earshot of our conversations and has any opinion I truly don't mind that he interjects because he is a guy and he has a different perspective on things that we as women do.
Before leaving the Behavioral Health department I had to make a series of appointments with J.B. to help me sort out all this garbage. Boy, after walking out of that building, I tell you I felt as if some weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had spoken to two Pastors and a Counselor. I could actually feel the "fog" in my mind lifting. I was even making plans on purchasing a notebook or two so that I could start journaling again, after I got paid.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Getting Started with The Help
11/18/14 -- {7/17/14} Today is the day that I have 2 meetings, one with 2 Pastors and what I am hoping is my son and wife. Even tho earlier in the week, one Pastor and his family had stopped by to give me something (can't remember now) he mentioned that my son had backed out. I was still, like a dummy, holding out some kind of hope that he would show.
I was at work, so I had to bring the young man with me, and he sat just outside the secretary's office, with their door ajar. When I went in, both Pastors were there and no son. I guess I wasn't too surprised.
So, I sat down in the Pastor's office and filled him in on what had been going on. The second Pastor was already in the loop on something but had not been up to speed on recent events. The meeting lasted 1 1/2 hrs. I was quite surprised at how much the Pastor was open and wanted to listen and he was willing to make himself available. I already am in the know with second Pastor and his family. He has 6 little children, including 1 pair of beautiful twin girls. Interacting with these children is the joy of my life, especially since I can't have the joy of interacting with my granddaughters. The second Pastor and his family I totally enjoy spending time with altho this part of the summer they haven't been around much so I was really left out and lonely. It felt really good to unload all that I had been carrying with me, altho the Pastor didn't want to overstep his bounds because he knew that I had a therapy appt. later that evening. Between the two of them, they gave me some sound advice, and pledged their prayer and support throughout this ordeal. The Pastor also said that I could email or call/text him anytime I was have issues or feeling like I wanted to drive into a semi again. The second Pastor even took a quick break to go out and check on the young man that I had brought with me. We were winding things up. The Pastor had me look at a couple of scripture in the Bible and then we ended the same way we began, with a prayer. I totally felt better.
I am going to back up a couple of days, I just happened to remember that the second Pastor and his family stopped by to give me something (can't remember what) I hadn't seen them pretty much all summer. The second Pastor's wife was driving, so she rolls the back window down so I could see the rest of the family, because I had asked if the rest of them were with them. I said I "hi" to the girls, their little boy was snoozing. They were all excited to see me, the twins were, especially. They were on their way to the fair, but a couple of the girls had gotten in trouble, so they weren't going to get any cheese curds at the fair. I figured out who it was, it was the oldest and one of the twins. Just as they were getting ready to pull away and go to the fair, the twin that was already in trouble, unbuckled herself, got out of her seat, came to the window, to give me a hug and a kiss. The second oldest also came to the window to give me a kiss and hug. The other twin didn't want to get into trouble so I blew her a kiss, told the oldest good bye, and waived a the boy, who by this time was awake. They were just the dose of pick me up that I needed. Those little ones always have a way of making me smile, regardless of the frame of mind that I am in.
After they drove away, I had a little bit of a smile on my face, yet a little down because the second Pastor had warned me that my son had backed out of the meeting that we were to have in two days.
I was at work, so I had to bring the young man with me, and he sat just outside the secretary's office, with their door ajar. When I went in, both Pastors were there and no son. I guess I wasn't too surprised.
So, I sat down in the Pastor's office and filled him in on what had been going on. The second Pastor was already in the loop on something but had not been up to speed on recent events. The meeting lasted 1 1/2 hrs. I was quite surprised at how much the Pastor was open and wanted to listen and he was willing to make himself available. I already am in the know with second Pastor and his family. He has 6 little children, including 1 pair of beautiful twin girls. Interacting with these children is the joy of my life, especially since I can't have the joy of interacting with my granddaughters. The second Pastor and his family I totally enjoy spending time with altho this part of the summer they haven't been around much so I was really left out and lonely. It felt really good to unload all that I had been carrying with me, altho the Pastor didn't want to overstep his bounds because he knew that I had a therapy appt. later that evening. Between the two of them, they gave me some sound advice, and pledged their prayer and support throughout this ordeal. The Pastor also said that I could email or call/text him anytime I was have issues or feeling like I wanted to drive into a semi again. The second Pastor even took a quick break to go out and check on the young man that I had brought with me. We were winding things up. The Pastor had me look at a couple of scripture in the Bible and then we ended the same way we began, with a prayer. I totally felt better.
I am going to back up a couple of days, I just happened to remember that the second Pastor and his family stopped by to give me something (can't remember what) I hadn't seen them pretty much all summer. The second Pastor's wife was driving, so she rolls the back window down so I could see the rest of the family, because I had asked if the rest of them were with them. I said I "hi" to the girls, their little boy was snoozing. They were all excited to see me, the twins were, especially. They were on their way to the fair, but a couple of the girls had gotten in trouble, so they weren't going to get any cheese curds at the fair. I figured out who it was, it was the oldest and one of the twins. Just as they were getting ready to pull away and go to the fair, the twin that was already in trouble, unbuckled herself, got out of her seat, came to the window, to give me a hug and a kiss. The second oldest also came to the window to give me a kiss and hug. The other twin didn't want to get into trouble so I blew her a kiss, told the oldest good bye, and waived a the boy, who by this time was awake. They were just the dose of pick me up that I needed. Those little ones always have a way of making me smile, regardless of the frame of mind that I am in.
After they drove away, I had a little bit of a smile on my face, yet a little down because the second Pastor had warned me that my son had backed out of the meeting that we were to have in two days.
Continuing the piece pick up
11/18/14 -- [The week of 7/13/14] I do have my journal now to help me remember things that happened during the week after my first ever melt down. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday are kind of a blur, I just really remember going to work everyday struggling to make thru work. My boss really had no idea what was doing on. I put on a real good show that all was ok. Thankfully I didn't have to deal with schooling the child yet, but I was giving him a 2 hr a day break from his electronics that he would play on from the moment he woke up in the morning til break time in the afternoon. So, I would take a, sort of, siesta, while the child was down in the basement playing with all his other toys. This child is 9 and I could still hear everything that was going on, I was always still completely aware of what was going on and where he was at all times.
I do remember an email exchange with the Pastor that was setting up a meeting that at first was suppose to be the Pastor, myself the other Pastor, my son and his wife but my son back out, so it ended up going to be me and the two Pastors, on the same day as my first counseling session with Dr. J. B. which was to be Thursday.
My reason for getting up everyday was work. I really enjoy taking care of this child. Even tho my true passion is littler ones, I do enjoy helping his dad take care of him while he is at work. The drive home was always the challenge, outside of driving to work tired and struggling to stay awake because of the lack of a solid night of sleep. The drive home I was still plagued with thoughts of driving into semis, yet that desire wasn't as strong because I knew that people are poised and ready to help me and they truly care.
I was really struggling with figuring out simple things like what to eat for lunches at work, and suppers at home. I really didn't care about whether my apt was clean or not. I was even struggling with reading my bible everyday. The one thing the I really enjoy is journaling, I was having a difficult time writing in my journal, which was definitely not a normal thing for me, but wasn't ,much I could do about it. When you can't write, you can't write.
I do also emailing my friend M back and forth, she was a constant source of encouragement as was my friend L, we texted quite frequently and she started having me out to her place for dinner, after work, on a regular basis. She actually felt bad that we had fallen out of touch due to the business of the her work and the summer's activities. I did feel quite alone
When I got home at night I would do whatever for supper then watch Mythbusters til it was time for bed. Go to bed and wake up the next day and start the cycle all over again. It was just an over all struggle to get thru each and every day. When it got close to the weekend that was the worst.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Saturday, Sunday
11/17/14 -- {7/12/14}The rest of Saturday after the Pastor called went by in a blur. My other Friend L did call sometime later that day or evening, I honestly can't remember. I really had a difficult time focusing on many things during the course of the following several weeks. I can't remember a lot partly because I don't want to now, and because it is a blur. I will have to check my journal because it truly is a blur now, I really don't want to back there. It is too painful: Too painful to think that I regarded my life so little, less than God does. Yet, I do understand how a person can totally and completely can't see anything or anybody but the thing or person that caused the pain to begin with. That is all I could see thru the "fog" in my mind was the person who I perceived as causing all this pain. The emotional pain is still quite raw, even now 4 months later. Sunday {7/13/14}somehow I made it thru the night but not very well, cried myself to sleep again, and still not a very solid night sleep.
I did not go to church again, didn't go to church last week either. I was too much of a mess to go and I didn't want to run into my son or family, to painful. The only thing that I do remember watching is Mythbusters on Netflix both on Saturday and Sunday. I pretty much either did that or slept while the tv was going because that is when I could sleep. I had started to reach out to a very very small group of people, for help because I knew that I wouldn't be able to make thru this alone. I did first reach out to my doctor who got the ball rolling for me to get the help I needed. It then really was up to be to go from there and because I was afraid of where the path I was headed; So I started with my friend M from Janesville, the Psychiatrist then eventually councelor, my friend L, the Pastor and another Pastor.
A little reality check here; I firmly believe that regardless of what or who you believe in it is extremely important to have a support system. People that you trust to help, love and support you thru whatever tough time you might be going thru. I firmly believe that if it wasn't for my doctor being alarmed at what I was telling him via email that I am not at all sure where I would be right now.
Not to mention all of my friends, by all, I mean a very small group of whom I trust that are supporting me. I truly don't know if I would have driven into a semi or not, all I know is those thoughts terrified me, so I reached out. I was told to go to the ER if I really thought that I would do something to hurt myself, too, so there are other avenues to get help. I really don't care what people think because this truly is about me getting better, yet I also have to take steps to think outside myself because going there and dwelling too long isn't healthy.
Life is valuable, it cannot be replaced. Once a life is gone, that life cannot be replaced. Even though you, most likely cannot see how valuable your life is to the people around you, trust me, you are valuable. I have discovered, as I have begun to slowly open up about the last 4 months, the genuine surprise, then encouragement I receive.
I did not go to church again, didn't go to church last week either. I was too much of a mess to go and I didn't want to run into my son or family, to painful. The only thing that I do remember watching is Mythbusters on Netflix both on Saturday and Sunday. I pretty much either did that or slept while the tv was going because that is when I could sleep. I had started to reach out to a very very small group of people, for help because I knew that I wouldn't be able to make thru this alone. I did first reach out to my doctor who got the ball rolling for me to get the help I needed. It then really was up to be to go from there and because I was afraid of where the path I was headed; So I started with my friend M from Janesville, the Psychiatrist then eventually councelor, my friend L, the Pastor and another Pastor.
A little reality check here; I firmly believe that regardless of what or who you believe in it is extremely important to have a support system. People that you trust to help, love and support you thru whatever tough time you might be going thru. I firmly believe that if it wasn't for my doctor being alarmed at what I was telling him via email that I am not at all sure where I would be right now.
Not to mention all of my friends, by all, I mean a very small group of whom I trust that are supporting me. I truly don't know if I would have driven into a semi or not, all I know is those thoughts terrified me, so I reached out. I was told to go to the ER if I really thought that I would do something to hurt myself, too, so there are other avenues to get help. I really don't care what people think because this truly is about me getting better, yet I also have to take steps to think outside myself because going there and dwelling too long isn't healthy.
Life is valuable, it cannot be replaced. Once a life is gone, that life cannot be replaced. Even though you, most likely cannot see how valuable your life is to the people around you, trust me, you are valuable. I have discovered, as I have begun to slowly open up about the last 4 months, the genuine surprise, then encouragement I receive.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Saturday
11/15/14 -- {7/12/14} I wake up early Saturday morning after very little sleep and just somehow make coffee and wait for my friend M from Janesville, she was due to arrive pretty early in the morning. Since I didn't sleep very well anyway it did't matter that it was early. She came with breakfast from macdonalds. It was sooo nice to see her. We hugged and I cried on her shoulder for a few minutes before we sat down and talked for a few minutes. It was nice to be able to sort of unload a little more despite the fact she is dealing with stuff in her own family. She, unfortunately couldn't stay as long as either one of us wanted, she had to pick up one of her daughters at an event, here in town, then back to here hometown and take one of her other daughter daughters to another event. I really didn't want here to go, but she had to go.
I pretty much couldn't function the whole day, I couldn't even think. I just waited on my loveseat for the Pastor to call. To be honest, I was quite surprised that he called the night before, despite what friend M said I was still surprised. I guess I had a difficult time picturing Pastor truly wanting or having the time for someone like me. Yet, around 11am Pastor did call! He asked me a series of questions to get a feel of what is going on. I filled him as best as I could, on the phone, and he told me that I could keep his cell number so that if I ever feel like I want to drive into a semi that I could call him. I was totally blown away, I never expected that at all. He offered to set up a meeting with the 5 of us for next week, Thursday. So, I had some, a glimmer of hope.
I just didn't feel like doing anything today, [11/15/14] today just ended up being one of those down days. I don't why, I just woke up with a headache, a mild one, and not feeling like I wanted to do or go anywhere. I somehow/somewhere lost my desire to go and do the things that I planned on doing today. Feeling kinda bummed, cause what I was hoping would happen on thanksgiving isn't going to happen so now I don't know what I am going to do. Took a nap, I did succeed in getting my bathroom and kitchen floors swept and mopped, but that is pretty much it.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Picking up The Pieces
11/14/14 -- {7/11/14} Not long after talking to my friend from Janesville, another friend called, she was on her way home (with her husband) she could hear how upset I was and she asked if I wanted to come to her place to spend that night. I told her that it wouldn't be a good idea if I drove because of the state I was, in at that moment. She then offered to come to spend that night at which point I just wasn't sure, she then she said she would call when she got home, in about 45 minutes. I told her that would be fine. I was just in tears, a complete and total mess. I have never felt so out of control with my emotions, in my life. I just plain couldn't think clearly and I didn't know if wanted to be alone or have somebody with me, I just didn't know.
What really was nice, was knowing that I was going to see my friend from Janesville the next morning. I haven't seen her in like a year or something. Then as I was waiting for the Pastor to call and my other friend to get home and call, there was a message that popped up on messenger from my daughter in-law's mom, saying that our granddaughters were there. She said that I could come over and spend some time with them while they were there, after my making sure it was ok. I got my shoes on and pulled myself together so quick, it wasn't funny! That is just what I needed - it was just the dose of pick me up that God knew I needed to to get me thru the night and weekend. [ Forgive my short version spelling of some words, I do it on purpose.]
My Daughter in-law's mom live just across the parking lot and across the yard of another apartment building from me, so I walked over there. I don't think I ever walked anywhere so fast in my life, putting my ankle at risk. {I didn't care!} I really just was so excited to get to see my granddaughters, I really needed to see them! Their other grandma had absolutely no idea just how perfectly timed her message was. My middle granddaughter ran up to me, she was thrilled to see me, so was her older sister. They both gave me hugs and instantly included me in their play. As soon as I got over there tho, I realized that I had forgotten the gifts that I had gotten them back in February, after valentines day. The middle child asked if they could go and get the gifts, so I made sure it was ok if we walked back to my place to get them and come back, their other grandma said it was fine. So, the three of us walk back to my place and they got their stuffed bears that I picked up for them, they saw my cats again. They both express their desires to come back to my place to back and spend the night. They remember when I had taken them to my favorite bakery and when we had done some baking together and they want to do that again. I really didn't know what to say to them, other than I would talk to their parents.
We walked back to their other grandma's apt. and I hung out there for quite a while. I received 2 phone calls while I was visiting with my granddaughters. One was the Pastor and the other was my other friend. They both were thrilled that I was able to visit with my granddaughters and both said they would call me the next day, neither one kept me on the phone very long, not wanting to take from my time with my granddaughters. That night was great! Time really flew by that night, before we knew it was almost 11pm and the girls were getting tired, especially the youngest. So, after getting my hugs and good nights from them I walked home, feeling somewhat better. What perfect timing God has for me, just what I needed to get me thru the night, especially.
When I got home I just cried, my granddaughters are so precious to me and I haven't been able to spend as much with them as I would like. The issues between my son and I really have gotten in the way of my relationship with my granddaughters, including getting to know my baby granddaughter, which really sucks! Not only that, but has affected me in a way that I never expected.
What really was nice, was knowing that I was going to see my friend from Janesville the next morning. I haven't seen her in like a year or something. Then as I was waiting for the Pastor to call and my other friend to get home and call, there was a message that popped up on messenger from my daughter in-law's mom, saying that our granddaughters were there. She said that I could come over and spend some time with them while they were there, after my making sure it was ok. I got my shoes on and pulled myself together so quick, it wasn't funny! That is just what I needed - it was just the dose of pick me up that God knew I needed to to get me thru the night and weekend. [ Forgive my short version spelling of some words, I do it on purpose.]
My Daughter in-law's mom live just across the parking lot and across the yard of another apartment building from me, so I walked over there. I don't think I ever walked anywhere so fast in my life, putting my ankle at risk. {I didn't care!} I really just was so excited to get to see my granddaughters, I really needed to see them! Their other grandma had absolutely no idea just how perfectly timed her message was. My middle granddaughter ran up to me, she was thrilled to see me, so was her older sister. They both gave me hugs and instantly included me in their play. As soon as I got over there tho, I realized that I had forgotten the gifts that I had gotten them back in February, after valentines day. The middle child asked if they could go and get the gifts, so I made sure it was ok if we walked back to my place to get them and come back, their other grandma said it was fine. So, the three of us walk back to my place and they got their stuffed bears that I picked up for them, they saw my cats again. They both express their desires to come back to my place to back and spend the night. They remember when I had taken them to my favorite bakery and when we had done some baking together and they want to do that again. I really didn't know what to say to them, other than I would talk to their parents.
We walked back to their other grandma's apt. and I hung out there for quite a while. I received 2 phone calls while I was visiting with my granddaughters. One was the Pastor and the other was my other friend. They both were thrilled that I was able to visit with my granddaughters and both said they would call me the next day, neither one kept me on the phone very long, not wanting to take from my time with my granddaughters. That night was great! Time really flew by that night, before we knew it was almost 11pm and the girls were getting tired, especially the youngest. So, after getting my hugs and good nights from them I walked home, feeling somewhat better. What perfect timing God has for me, just what I needed to get me thru the night, especially.
When I got home I just cried, my granddaughters are so precious to me and I haven't been able to spend as much with them as I would like. The issues between my son and I really have gotten in the way of my relationship with my granddaughters, including getting to know my baby granddaughter, which really sucks! Not only that, but has affected me in a way that I never expected.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Continuing On
11/13/14 --(7/11/14) So, I made it to the Psychiatrist's office, just in time, she was about to send out the "cavalry" because of the miss-communication of time. Any way, Dr. J asked me a series of questions making sure that I would be ok at home. She was evaluating my state of mind so as to determine if I was a danger to myself or needed to be admitted to the hospital. After about an hour, she prescribed an anti depressant and had me set up a series of appointments with a therapists because her belief, along with my pcp (primary care provider) that medication of this nature and therapy work best together. I got to tell you, I have never been in this state ever, it is the worst feeling ever, to feel so low, and in a fog that you can't think straight. The only thing that I was able to do was get up and go to work every morning, the drives home were always consumed with thoughts of driving into semis or the bridge pylon that wasn't far from where my son lives. My nights were terrible, composed of crying and lousy sleep. I really wasn't looking forward to the weekend.
I felt somewhat better after talking to Dr. J, however I was still afraid of being alone at home all night and then there was the weekend. By the time I got home there was an email from my friend in Janesville. She tried to get a hold of me but had the wrong number, so I emailed her the right number and she then called me. Her and I talked for quite a while. It was nice to talk to somebody about what was going on with me. During the course of the conversation she asked if she could call the Pastor and let him know what was going on. She told me a few personal things that her and her husband had experienced that the Pastor was able to help them through; that is why she thought it was appropriate to bring him into this now. I gave her permission to call him and share with him the things that I shared with her and that he could call me.
I slept better last night, no asthma attack interrupted sleep, about stinkin time. I was still nice and cozy and didn't want to get out of bed. This morning got off on a later start for work cause the boss went hunting, no apparent work, from the guy that he normally gets work from. No, jobs for himself right now, either. Oh well, no biggie, at least I get to work. I like it kinda chilly but I don't like it cold. Oh well, such is life in the midwest.
I felt somewhat better after talking to Dr. J, however I was still afraid of being alone at home all night and then there was the weekend. By the time I got home there was an email from my friend in Janesville. She tried to get a hold of me but had the wrong number, so I emailed her the right number and she then called me. Her and I talked for quite a while. It was nice to talk to somebody about what was going on with me. During the course of the conversation she asked if she could call the Pastor and let him know what was going on. She told me a few personal things that her and her husband had experienced that the Pastor was able to help them through; that is why she thought it was appropriate to bring him into this now. I gave her permission to call him and share with him the things that I shared with her and that he could call me.
I slept better last night, no asthma attack interrupted sleep, about stinkin time. I was still nice and cozy and didn't want to get out of bed. This morning got off on a later start for work cause the boss went hunting, no apparent work, from the guy that he normally gets work from. No, jobs for himself right now, either. Oh well, no biggie, at least I get to work. I like it kinda chilly but I don't like it cold. Oh well, such is life in the midwest.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Some Thoughts About All This
11/12/14 -- I have to say that as I was clawing my way out of the desire to kill myself which was the deepest I have ever been down the hole of depression that I have ever gotten, I never want to go there again! The first time I ever experienced depression was when I was in the second year of not having a job and my son was due home from YWAM. I can totally understand how a man can loose his sense of manhood, I guess when he loses his job. Working to support your family, or in my case, myself and soon my son, at least til he decided what exactly he was going to do. Anyway, I called my doctor when I felt myself going into a dark hole, he prescribed an anti depressant. Not long after that was prescribed I got a job. After a while I was able to get off that drug, which made me happy. I I was doing ok in my walk with God, not the greatest, I thought pretty good.
Anyway, I used to think that depression was extreme sadness and that the people who were supposedly depressed just had to "put there adult panties on and move on!" Well, Now that I have been in a place where suicide is all that I thought about and I thought was my only avenue out of an extremely painful situation, that I just couldn't cope with any more. I can totally understand people who do end up taking their lives because they just don't see any other way out. The real sad thing is that people who take their lives don't feel they have others who are close enough to them or even comfortable with a doctor, nurse a school, teacher or somebody that they can say, hey I am really struggling with these thoughts of suicide, seriously, so that somebody can get them some help. When I was having those thoughts I reached out to my doctor who got me the help I needed, they in turn made sure that I knew that I could go to the ER if for some reason I was really struggling at home. Let me tell you there were a few times that I thought about it a time or two, but by that time my pastor was involved and I was able to call him, which I did, or I called a friend or two.
I never thought in a million years I would be in a place where I would want to kill myself, I am still amazed that I ever got that low. God really had something to teach me in all of this, boy has he been teaching me too. As I continue with this journey you will see all that God showed me.
Anyway, I used to think that depression was extreme sadness and that the people who were supposedly depressed just had to "put there adult panties on and move on!" Well, Now that I have been in a place where suicide is all that I thought about and I thought was my only avenue out of an extremely painful situation, that I just couldn't cope with any more. I can totally understand people who do end up taking their lives because they just don't see any other way out. The real sad thing is that people who take their lives don't feel they have others who are close enough to them or even comfortable with a doctor, nurse a school, teacher or somebody that they can say, hey I am really struggling with these thoughts of suicide, seriously, so that somebody can get them some help. When I was having those thoughts I reached out to my doctor who got me the help I needed, they in turn made sure that I knew that I could go to the ER if for some reason I was really struggling at home. Let me tell you there were a few times that I thought about it a time or two, but by that time my pastor was involved and I was able to call him, which I did, or I called a friend or two.
I never thought in a million years I would be in a place where I would want to kill myself, I am still amazed that I ever got that low. God really had something to teach me in all of this, boy has he been teaching me too. As I continue with this journey you will see all that God showed me.
Being a Suicide Survivor - Dealing with Depression
11/12/14 -- Boy, I don't know about anybody else but I didn't want to get up this morning. I was nice and toasty warm in my bed, with clean sheets and a warm comforter on my bed.
Ok, so now it is the 11th of July and I am talking to the triage nurse, on the phone, she is asking me questions about me state of mind and whether I had a method and a means to carry out the task of suicide. I did have a method but I was afraid of the weekend because I wasn't sure of being alone even though I knew that I wouldn't do anything stupid with anything that I had at home, but the drive home is what I was most concerned about. So the nurse made an appointment for me that evening with the Psychiatrist, even though there was am miss-communication on the time, I was grateful that I was able to get in. Although, I was also encouraged to get into the emergency room if I couldn't trust myself over the course of the weekend. Also, during the course of the week, I reached out to a friend, who moved to Janesville, a couple of years ago, and I let her know what was going on with me. Needless to say she was shocked. We conversed back and forth via email that whole week and by Friday, at home she had asked for me cell number again so she could call me.
I suppose I should go into some of the difficult things that lead to all of this stuff. You see; I raised my son alone, and we were pretty close. I would go so far as to say that I was pretty blessed to have a closeness with my son that most single women raising young men don't get. I did the best I could to raise him with a good Godly background and despite a few bumps along the way he turned out pretty darn good. He spent two years in YWAM (Youth With A Mission) in LA) A Youth Pastor at the Local Bible Church was very instrumental in my son's life in that particular stage. I was (still am) very proud of my son yet the very young man that I raised is the the one that has totally rejected me not long after meeting, getting engaged then marrying his now wife.
I also believe that I had some emotional instability that quite possibly was hormonal going on even though that never came out in any testing that was done, but given my age I guess I am pre menopausal which means that my hormones are changing so there were a lot of things going on. Apparently, I was also dealing with depression still, something that I was diagnosed with during the time I was jobless, which was, close to, 2 year, period. Dr. G put me on an anti-deppressant which ended up being temporary because not long after that I got a job, which helped greatly. I had not taken the anti depressant for quite a long time just because I didn't need it anymore.
Ok, so now it is the 11th of July and I am talking to the triage nurse, on the phone, she is asking me questions about me state of mind and whether I had a method and a means to carry out the task of suicide. I did have a method but I was afraid of the weekend because I wasn't sure of being alone even though I knew that I wouldn't do anything stupid with anything that I had at home, but the drive home is what I was most concerned about. So the nurse made an appointment for me that evening with the Psychiatrist, even though there was am miss-communication on the time, I was grateful that I was able to get in. Although, I was also encouraged to get into the emergency room if I couldn't trust myself over the course of the weekend. Also, during the course of the week, I reached out to a friend, who moved to Janesville, a couple of years ago, and I let her know what was going on with me. Needless to say she was shocked. We conversed back and forth via email that whole week and by Friday, at home she had asked for me cell number again so she could call me.
I suppose I should go into some of the difficult things that lead to all of this stuff. You see; I raised my son alone, and we were pretty close. I would go so far as to say that I was pretty blessed to have a closeness with my son that most single women raising young men don't get. I did the best I could to raise him with a good Godly background and despite a few bumps along the way he turned out pretty darn good. He spent two years in YWAM (Youth With A Mission) in LA) A Youth Pastor at the Local Bible Church was very instrumental in my son's life in that particular stage. I was (still am) very proud of my son yet the very young man that I raised is the the one that has totally rejected me not long after meeting, getting engaged then marrying his now wife.
I also believe that I had some emotional instability that quite possibly was hormonal going on even though that never came out in any testing that was done, but given my age I guess I am pre menopausal which means that my hormones are changing so there were a lot of things going on. Apparently, I was also dealing with depression still, something that I was diagnosed with during the time I was jobless, which was, close to, 2 year, period. Dr. G put me on an anti-deppressant which ended up being temporary because not long after that I got a job, which helped greatly. I had not taken the anti depressant for quite a long time just because I didn't need it anymore.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Battling with Depression
11-11-14 --- I would like to start off by saying thank you to all the past and current members of our military for their service.
Now, it has been 4 months since I hit bottom. Please bare with me I will back track and fill you in on how I got to where I am today. I have been through a lot over the last several years which seem to culminate into me thinking about driving into semis or into a bridge pylon. I have come a long way since then. I just recently thought about and set up this blog because I want to hopefully help someone who is in the same situation that I was in just 4 short months ago. I also like to use different colors as I type so don't be surprised when you see different colors.
I am a suicide survivor! I am very thankful that I didn't attempt it, although I am not sure how close I was to at least making 1 attempt. I do know that the thoughts of driving into semis and into bridge pylons terrified me so I started communicating with my new primary care physician at the Local Clinic. I don't know why but I felt more comfortable telling him then anyone else I know, but I did. During the course the course of the week after of 4th of July, well actually I suppose I should back up a little further, huh? :)
My son and I have been having issues. I am a single mom of one child, a boy, who is 23 and is married to a beautiful young woman who had 2 children when they met then got married, they now have a 1yr. old beautiful baby daughter. My son and I have been having issues for quite some time. At one point I thought we had worked things out after we had a meeting at a local restaurant. However, I started getting suspicious when he wouldn't respond to my email requests to have the girls.
The 4th of the July comes and I knew they were having a get together and I wasn't invited, to rub it in (I felt) I saw I picture on facebook of their family in my son's backyard having a picnic! That was the "straw that broke the camel's back". That picture sent me into a tailspin down into a hole that I just couldn't get out of on my own. I was able to go to work but on the way home was the issue and the weekends. While at work I was conversing with my new doctor via mychart email. He was very alarmed by my thoughts especially when he found out that I had a method. During the course of that week, after the fourth, we chatted back and forth and by Friday someone in his office had connected me via landline with the triage nurse in the Behavioral Health department of the Local Clinic.
Now, it has been 4 months since I hit bottom. Please bare with me I will back track and fill you in on how I got to where I am today. I have been through a lot over the last several years which seem to culminate into me thinking about driving into semis or into a bridge pylon. I have come a long way since then. I just recently thought about and set up this blog because I want to hopefully help someone who is in the same situation that I was in just 4 short months ago. I also like to use different colors as I type so don't be surprised when you see different colors.
I am a suicide survivor! I am very thankful that I didn't attempt it, although I am not sure how close I was to at least making 1 attempt. I do know that the thoughts of driving into semis and into bridge pylons terrified me so I started communicating with my new primary care physician at the Local Clinic. I don't know why but I felt more comfortable telling him then anyone else I know, but I did. During the course the course of the week after of 4th of July, well actually I suppose I should back up a little further, huh? :)
My son and I have been having issues. I am a single mom of one child, a boy, who is 23 and is married to a beautiful young woman who had 2 children when they met then got married, they now have a 1yr. old beautiful baby daughter. My son and I have been having issues for quite some time. At one point I thought we had worked things out after we had a meeting at a local restaurant. However, I started getting suspicious when he wouldn't respond to my email requests to have the girls.
The 4th of the July comes and I knew they were having a get together and I wasn't invited, to rub it in (I felt) I saw I picture on facebook of their family in my son's backyard having a picnic! That was the "straw that broke the camel's back". That picture sent me into a tailspin down into a hole that I just couldn't get out of on my own. I was able to go to work but on the way home was the issue and the weekends. While at work I was conversing with my new doctor via mychart email. He was very alarmed by my thoughts especially when he found out that I had a method. During the course of that week, after the fourth, we chatted back and forth and by Friday someone in his office had connected me via landline with the triage nurse in the Behavioral Health department of the Local Clinic.
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