Continuing on

12/4/14 -- {8/3/14} I did manage to do to church but not without much struggle which again has become the norm for me. I had texted friend L because she always encourages me despite the fact we go to different services  depending on whether she works or not.  She does wait around to see me when she does work, to make sure we connect.   
  I was really struggling with the way the I was feeling during the reception last night.  I really struggled with seeing my son and not him not even speaking to me, not treating me with any kind of respect.  I did go to church, the 10:30am service, cafe' in different part of the building altho, my daughter in-law, was making an effort to allow me to see my baby granddaughter.  she sought me out and allowed me to hold the little cutie.  There were a number of different times that I was able to see my baby granddaughter either because she sought me out or because I found her in the bathroom, or something along that line.  The problem was that I just couldn't go up to them and give them hugs or hold her, anytime that I did that I was turned away, which was embarrassing.  I quit doing that!  It was hurtful and just wrong for him to say that I couldn't hold my baby granddaughter!  It just became a battle for me to go to church every single sunday even tho I was going to a different service even a different time, the problem was I never really knew when they were going to be on the worship team.  Whenever they were on the worship team they were at the church all day, which really made it difficult.
   I went into the cafe' service, got my coffee and sat down.  I did my best to focus on the worship and the true reason that I was suppose to be there.  That was really difficult.  I am really surprised at how difficult it was for me to hone in on the worship.  I don't really remember the message that was preached either and that is really just as pathetic, yet not really considering the frame of mind I was in.  I just couldn't concentrate on much of anything at time.  My mind was still on last night and how my son barely acknowledged that I was there.  I know that I went for Jon and Claire not for any other reason but given all that I was dealing with that is what I was struggling with.  So, that afternoon, I sent a text to the Pastor, who didn't get back to as quickly as I really wanted him to but I did remember him saying something about working on him roof.  He did call me later that night and we talked for awhile, he was very helpful and calming to listen to.  I was able to go to sleep, he was ok even allowing me to cry on the phone, the Pastor is so cool, and so understanding.  After talking to the Pastor I was able to go to sleep, sort of.