12/8/14 -- {Aug.- Sept.} Please forgive me, I am not going to specifically date things any more, because I don't want it to seem like I am writing a journal or something.
There was a point when I emailed the Pastor and requested that he called me, at the place where I work, I provided him with the landline number, because cell service is rather scetchy, especially the calling aspect. The Pastor did call and we talked for a while, I was discussing my issues with not being able to concentrate on reading the Bible, which to me is important for me to be able to do, I was having problems with focusing on the daily reading plan. I just couldn't focus on anything that I was reading. He gave me some suggestions and offered to allow me to borrow his topic Bible. The Topic Bible has things organized according to topics, major topics. The Pastor was very helpful, encouraging and calming as we talked. He said that it was perfectly normal and ok to be unable to focus on a large group of scriptures at once. He suggested take a topic, then a scripture, then a verse or two and meditate or think on that a while. That was a great suggestion and one that I planned on putting into practice. I did stop by the Pastor's house and pick up his Topic Bible and used it for several months.
In case you are wondering, my boss really didn't know what was going on. I did a good job of keeping things under wraps, from him, what was going on. I really didn't want him to be concerned while I was going thru all of this. It wasn't the work time that I had any issues, it was the times that I would be on the way home from work, then once I was home that the battle was on. I would take the little man with me to my therapy sessions, he would waiting room, and watch tv while I was talking with either Dr. J or J. B. However, my boss does now know what the therapy sessions are about, altho he has no idea how serious things were in July, that is something that he most likely will never know, it is just something that isn't necessary for him to know.
I am totally amazed at how much of a struggle it is to maintain an even keel. I am so grateful for the few selected friends that were, still are, available to me when I need extra help, prayer, and encouragement. I would like to remind anyone reading this, it doesn't matter your "religious" background when you are in a dark, dark place you need people around you to help you thru, up and out of the dark [for me hole] People that you can call or text whenever and say, hey I struggling with ??? or ??? and they are willing to just listen and encourage, validate your feelings and even allow you to cry on the phone. You even need someone that is willing to come to your place of residence and stop you from doing something stupid, if they sense that in your voice, but they know you well enough that you really don't want to do that thing. Let's face it, none of us who, are faced with the reality of suicide, don't really want to die, not truly, in our hearts. I didn't. There has been at least 2 occasions where someone came to my apt and just listened to me, cried with me and yes prayed with me, {if the pray thing isn't for you then that won't happen, obviously} Yet, sometimes, you might be surprised at yourself, when you are in that place where you see nothing else.
There were a couple more pretty decent hurdles that I viewed, coming up, that I just wasn't sure about, a wedding that I was asked to help in the reception, and a birthday party that I was struggling with not getting my hopes tooooooo high in getting invited to; my baby granddaughter's first birthday party. Of all the big days in her life, that is one that I definitely wanted to be apart of. Talk about a struggle! Most people have no idea how hard it is to NOT have any expectations! It is really hard to not expect to bet invited to the one thing that you REEEEAAALLLLY want/need to be invited to - you should be there and everyone that is in the know, knows you should be there.
While all of this is mulling around in my head, I get struck with this unbelievable headache, that just wouldn't go away, no matter what I did. I dealt with it the best I could for about a week, even communicating with my PCP (primary care physician) who, after a visit to his office had ordered an CT scan to on my brain to check my brain for clots and such but said not use unless necessary. In the mean time he had put in a request in the insurance company, unknown to me at the time. Well, by Thursday of that week (this was Sept 19) when I woke up for work, I just couldn't handle it any more. By the time it was about time for work I ended up calling my friend D, who just happened to pick up her phone, and asked her to take me to the ER. The headache was so intense that I was dizzy and I just couldn't go to work, I just was sooooo miserable.
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