Cleaning up a mess

12/27/14 -- So yesterday, I did something kinda stupid.  I got on Facebook, on the life group page and put something on there that was pretty much "have a pity party" for me type deal on it under the guise of asking for prayer.  Well, sometime later I checked Facebook and there was a comment from my daughter in-law, much to my surprise and dismay!  I didn't know that she was on the life group group.  So, of course, I deleted the post then I had to pretty much clean up my mess.  I felt pretty stupid and at the same time betrayed!  Not sure how that worked to together but that is how I felt.  Yet, I was "kissing her butt!"  Here I am, working on a gift for one of her daughters, trying to get better and trying to choose my words, carefully so as to not offend her any more.
    I swear,  sometimes I do the stupidest things!  I don't even know why - out of desperation, frustration, pity, who knows even out of depression and a cry out for attention because this being alone is just not a good thing, well I got the wrong kind of attention! Imagine that! haha!  That is kinda what we tell our children, right?  Well anyway, I did ask my daughter in-law for forgiveness so hopefully she will be able to do that.
   I had to make myself get out of the house yesterday, to go to the grocery store, get much needed food.  The food I had been eating was processed and seriously bothering my stomach which really isn't a good thing.  I got some real meat and some breakfast food and supper food, so today I have to low and slowly cook the roast the I bought.  It was nice to get out of the apartment for short time, the sun was shining, it was nice. I also had to get the recyclables out of the apartment along with the kitty litter.
  It really sucks because I sort of wanted to just hibernate and have a pity party.  I have had to restrain from putting myself pity out there on Facebook, even tho I kinda want to do that.  It really wouldn't do much good to that anyway.  I have really wanted to seriously wanted to chew my son up one side and down the other but that wouldn't do much good either.
  I know that being depressed really does suck, I also know that there are days that you feel like you have absolutely know one to talk to.  I highly recommend writing everything down, in a notebook; you know like journaling.  I totally realize it is not the same thing as talking to a human being but even your closest friends can't be around you 24/7.  Your family (depending on your age) is but they may not alway be available to talk, sometime you have to assert yourself, other times you have to give them space.  The space for them is so you don't overwhelm them and cause them to become depressed themselves.   The key is you know they do love you and they truly are there for you.  Keep seeing your therapist, taking your meds (providing you are seeing a therapist and taking meds) and getting a hobby.  I know, I know none of that really helps, you still have too many thoughts. You are wondering how I know; Well, I have those thoughts.  Even with the project that I have been working on, I have too much time to get into my head, and I absolutely hate it!  So, somehow you have to combat it with better thoughts, happy thoughts. I know easier said than done. Believe me I know. I deal with it on a daily basis.