10/29/16 -- I had an interesting appointment with my counselor, yesterday. It was the very first time that I actually met my new counselor. I counseled with her intern thru the summer, then when he left at the beginning of October, my sessions start with her. She is quite nice, very easy to talk to but she wanted to know the things that I wanted to work on and/or the issues that I have that I want to work thru. So, we discussed the three things that I want to work thru; I did forget to mention the fact that I don't have a job right now.
The added stress of not having a job, on top of my dad's health issues has caused a headache that really hasn't gone away. I felt it coming on, on Tuesday evening as I was at the hospital, visiting my dad, with my mom. I ended up not going to the hospital, and staying home. I stayed in my very comfy nightgown with shorts on, I laid in my chais lounge, pretty much all day long. This headache just makes me so tired, especially when I add the medications I have to take, to the mix. I still have this headache, but right now it is just hanging out in the background. This kind of stress my body just isn't handling very well; despite having one great thing going on.
I have left a message with my son, in messenger, but he still hasn't seen it. It is rather discouraging that he hasn't seen it, but I have no idea what his work schedule is, so I guess I just need to wait. After our last conversation, I got the sense that he wants to actually see me letting him know that I want to reconcile. I am not going to tell him every day, but I will like once a week or every two weeks.
The still very difficult thing is; my youngest granddaughter's birthday is tomorrow,(she will be 3) and I was really hoping that I would have been invited to the celebration for it, but no such luck. Thankfully, I haven't been dumb enough to make my hopes too high. It still would have been nice to hear from him concerning that, oh well.
I still have to keep myself focused on the things that have been keeping me on a good path, because I have zero intentions on going back from where I have come. I had made a call to a Pastor Friend of mine, letting him know of the situation with my dad; during our conversation he did ask me how I was doing, to which I responded with "fine as long as nothing else happens." Thankfully, he prayed with me, while on the phone and promised to pray for my dad. I was thankful that he asked that because he is the only one that has asked about me. Even tho I have been doing pretty good, it is still nice to know that I have people that care about how I am doing. I also still have my counseling appointments, which is a good thing, I am not quite ready to stop those, altho, I think I can spread them out some.
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Friday, October 28, 2016
Enjoying the Moment....
10/28/16 -- So, you all know that I have met a man, that lives almost 3 hours away from me. Well, 2 weeks ago he was in big city that is closer to me, all day, for meetings. He called me to basically say that he was in a big city closer to me, and that he wanted to come for a visit/first time meeting. So, about an hour and a half later he knocks on my door. Needless to say, I was quite excited to see him, and when I opened the door I was mildly surprised because for some reason I expected him to be taller, than he is. He put me in his arms and kissed me. I gotta say that it felt so relieve being in his arms. I don't know, it just felt like we have know each other for years. The relief was like, he is the one.
Yet, I find myself overwhelmed at the fact that this man talks to me in ways that no man has every talked me, very sweetly and respectful. I am so not used to that, however, I am getting used to it. I find myself feeling things that I have never felt, thinking things that I have never thought and daydreaming about the two of us together. We have been discussing so many things, two of which is marriage and children. So, I am almost a middle aged woman, who is peri-menopausal, and I am having to think about birth control.
I haven't taken birth control, only with the exception of after a miscarriage, to get me back in rhythm.
We have been texting for several weeks and it has been great. He is so sweet and we seem to be having the same thoughts, feelings and such. He actually used the "L" word that I was surprised to hear. I have had issues with no man ever really giving me compliments. I am very much getting used to the way he talks to me. It feels awesome to have a man, in my life, that really cares and lets me know. He has told me that I am beautiful, he is the only man to ever say that to me. I am "enjoying the moment" as he has been telling me.
I have come such a long way from 2 years ago, and I am enjoying it. I finally feel so much better that I just can't believe it. I have such a clear mind with exception to my mind swimming from all the new emotions and feelings from this new relationship. My heart is also much less on the negative emotional side. I still have my moments but they don't last very long and I know how to combat the major negative things that come by.
I am encountering some difficult things right now, one is my dad declining health, no job, and my son who is still not talking to me. Now, while these things are hard to deal with, I am not concerned with the difficulty with my son, at this point because I know, and trust that God is working in it. I have had one little flicker, and that was communication from him after I had told him that (via Facebook messenger) that I am in a relationship. I haven't heard from him since. I have been laid-off from my job - a long term lay-off type thing. The young couple that I had been working for, helping the young mom with her boys. She has has some mental problems, to the point that she was admitted to the psych ward in a major hospital. The fiancee decided to take a 6 wk FMLA from his job to help her at home once she came home. So, consequently I have no job, now. That is just not something that I was looking to encounter, at this point in time.
Yet, I find myself overwhelmed at the fact that this man talks to me in ways that no man has every talked me, very sweetly and respectful. I am so not used to that, however, I am getting used to it. I find myself feeling things that I have never felt, thinking things that I have never thought and daydreaming about the two of us together. We have been discussing so many things, two of which is marriage and children. So, I am almost a middle aged woman, who is peri-menopausal, and I am having to think about birth control.
I haven't taken birth control, only with the exception of after a miscarriage, to get me back in rhythm.
We have been texting for several weeks and it has been great. He is so sweet and we seem to be having the same thoughts, feelings and such. He actually used the "L" word that I was surprised to hear. I have had issues with no man ever really giving me compliments. I am very much getting used to the way he talks to me. It feels awesome to have a man, in my life, that really cares and lets me know. He has told me that I am beautiful, he is the only man to ever say that to me. I am "enjoying the moment" as he has been telling me.
I have come such a long way from 2 years ago, and I am enjoying it. I finally feel so much better that I just can't believe it. I have such a clear mind with exception to my mind swimming from all the new emotions and feelings from this new relationship. My heart is also much less on the negative emotional side. I still have my moments but they don't last very long and I know how to combat the major negative things that come by.
I am encountering some difficult things right now, one is my dad declining health, no job, and my son who is still not talking to me. Now, while these things are hard to deal with, I am not concerned with the difficulty with my son, at this point because I know, and trust that God is working in it. I have had one little flicker, and that was communication from him after I had told him that (via Facebook messenger) that I am in a relationship. I haven't heard from him since. I have been laid-off from my job - a long term lay-off type thing. The young couple that I had been working for, helping the young mom with her boys. She has has some mental problems, to the point that she was admitted to the psych ward in a major hospital. The fiancee decided to take a 6 wk FMLA from his job to help her at home once she came home. So, consequently I have no job, now. That is just not something that I was looking to encounter, at this point in time.
Monday, October 24, 2016
Something New
10/24/16 -- For the first time in a very, very long time I am have joy, not just happiness and there is a difference. I have been thru so much over the last 2 years. It feels absolutely wonderful to actually have joy instead of depression all the times.
Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has. Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful. It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place. Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens. It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.
I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me. It sure seems to have done exactly that. I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me. I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt. It has been great! I actually feel good about myself. He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason. He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome. This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.
Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has. Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful. It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place. Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens. It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.
I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me. It sure seems to have done exactly that. I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me. I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt. It has been great! I actually feel good about myself. He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason. He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome. This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.
Something New
10/24/16 -- For the first time in a very, very long time I am have joy, not just happiness and there is a difference. I have been thru so much over the last 2 years. It feels absolutely wonderful to actually have joy instead of depression all the times.
Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has. Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful. It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place. Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens. It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.
I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me. It sure seems to have done exactly that. I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me. I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt. It has been great! I actually feel good about myself. He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason. He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome. This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.
Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has. Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful. It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place. Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens. It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.
I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me. It sure seems to have done exactly that. I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me. I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt. It has been great! I actually feel good about myself. He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason. He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome. This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.
Something New
10/24/16 -- For the first time in a very, very long time I am have joy, not just happiness and there is a difference. I have been thru so much over the last 2 years. It feels absolutely wonderful to actually have joy instead of depression all the times.
Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has. Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful. It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place. Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens. It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.
I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me. It sure seems to have done exactly that. I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me. I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt. It has been great! I actually feel good about myself. He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason. He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome. This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.
Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has. Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful. It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place. Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens. It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.
I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me. It sure seems to have done exactly that. I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me. I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt. It has been great! I actually feel good about myself. He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason. He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome. This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.
Something New
10/24/16 -- For the first time in a very, very long time I am have joy, not just happiness and there is a difference. I have been thru so much over the last 2 years. It feels absolutely wonderful to actually have joy instead of depression all the times.
Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has. Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful. It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place. Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens. It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.
I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me. It sure seems to have done exactly that. I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me. I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt. It has been great! I actually feel good about myself. He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason. He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome. This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.
Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has. Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful. It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place. Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens. It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.
I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me. It sure seems to have done exactly that. I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me. I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt. It has been great! I actually feel good about myself. He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason. He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome. This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.
Something New
10/24/16 -- For the first time in a very, very long time I am have joy, not just happiness and there is a difference. I have been thru so much over the last 2 years. It feels absolutely wonderful to actually have joy instead of depression all the times.
Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has. Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful. It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place. Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens. It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.
I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me. It sure seems to have done exactly that. I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me. I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt. It has been great! I actually feel good about myself. He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason. He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome. This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.
Having a man in a life, a very special man, in my life has made a difference. I know that he isn't the only one that has made a difference, God most definitely has. Yet, have that special human man, in my life as been especially meaningful. It seems that when I made the decision to move on, everything had begun to slowly but surely fall into place. Then on a whim I decided to sign into a dating sight, subscribe and see what happens. It wasn't long before I had a someone who was really interested in me.
I have heard of "love at first sight" but I never really expected it to happen to me. It sure seems to have done exactly that. I have never had a man tell me that I am beautiful, til this man does.
This man has told me a lot of things that no man has ever said to me. I have been so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that I have never felt. It has been great! I actually feel good about myself. He has convince me that he loves me for me and not for anything other reason. He likes my personality, among other things and that for me is absolutely awesome. This time around, of being in Love is so much different than I have ever experienced and it's awesome.
Friday, October 21, 2016
New Relationship
10/21/16 -- There is so much going on in my life that I haven't been going thru and dealing with that I have not been able to comprehend it all.
First, I met a man via a dating site and things have been moving on very quickly. Fast to the point that I barely have had a chance to comprehend it all. I have told my son, and I actually heard from, I was surprised, needles to say. First, he asked understandable questions then began to give me the "third degree" on other stuff. I was suppose he was actually curious but other things were also on his mind, which I tried to answer without entering into another argument.
Second, my dad ends up taking two falls that ultimately ended him up in the hospital and now in a nursing home. My mom can't take care of him anymore due to his size and their house not very conducive to the type of equipment needed to assist mom in taking care of him.
The fact that this man, whom I have known all my life as mean, intimidating, and strong to have become so weak and incapable of taking care of himself is just incomprehensible to me. Now mom is needing to learn as much as she can about the household finances because she has no clue.
But this new man has occupied my mind and emotions and seems that there could very well be a proposal in my future. I gotta say, that I am a cross between terrified, excited, and happy that I have found someone to be my in my life. There is one thing that I am thankful for, that he does live far enough away that I can think between the texts and remember that God is my ultimate decision maker and His Blessing is what I need not just want.
First, I met a man via a dating site and things have been moving on very quickly. Fast to the point that I barely have had a chance to comprehend it all. I have told my son, and I actually heard from, I was surprised, needles to say. First, he asked understandable questions then began to give me the "third degree" on other stuff. I was suppose he was actually curious but other things were also on his mind, which I tried to answer without entering into another argument.
Second, my dad ends up taking two falls that ultimately ended him up in the hospital and now in a nursing home. My mom can't take care of him anymore due to his size and their house not very conducive to the type of equipment needed to assist mom in taking care of him.
The fact that this man, whom I have known all my life as mean, intimidating, and strong to have become so weak and incapable of taking care of himself is just incomprehensible to me. Now mom is needing to learn as much as she can about the household finances because she has no clue.
But this new man has occupied my mind and emotions and seems that there could very well be a proposal in my future. I gotta say, that I am a cross between terrified, excited, and happy that I have found someone to be my in my life. There is one thing that I am thankful for, that he does live far enough away that I can think between the texts and remember that God is my ultimate decision maker and His Blessing is what I need not just want.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Still Treading New Territory
10/8/16 -- Here it is the 8th day of October, and I am still treading in new and different territory, as far as, the way that I have been feeling. This has been such a change for me that I just don't even know what to think, or how to think. My mood has been so much better here lately, which is a good thing and different. I have been wanting to bake, been actually doing that not just wanting to. Today, I baked a double batch of Chocolate chip cookies. I lost the recipe that I use so I went to the internet and found the there. Now I know that who's recipe this is and if I lose that recipe I know where to find it.
The man that I met on eHarmony, and I are still texting along with working out a way to meet face to face. His work schedule is bizarre, to me anyway. His day starts super early and he gets done way late, so I am not quite sure how this is going to work. We are looking at today, but his "half day" is 5pm, today, so I am not sure how this is going to work. He has to drive an hour and a half to the place we are going to meet, so I just don't know. I am hoping that we can make it another day, this weekend, even Monday if he doesn't have to work because it is a holiday, Federal holiday anyway. Oh, I don't know how this is going to work.
Just the fact that I am working on a relationship is pretty awesome. I know that I am both exciting and scared about the steps into this relationship. I am also praying that he is really wanting this too, and willing to make time to get together. I would really like to see him, for me that is the one thing that will help me to know that I know he is the one, or not. I really believe that he works too much, I just don't know. Nonetheless, I am sort of enjoying this. When we text he makes me feel so special, he does the same when we actually talk. So amazing to be navigating thru this.
The man that I met on eHarmony, and I are still texting along with working out a way to meet face to face. His work schedule is bizarre, to me anyway. His day starts super early and he gets done way late, so I am not quite sure how this is going to work. We are looking at today, but his "half day" is 5pm, today, so I am not sure how this is going to work. He has to drive an hour and a half to the place we are going to meet, so I just don't know. I am hoping that we can make it another day, this weekend, even Monday if he doesn't have to work because it is a holiday, Federal holiday anyway. Oh, I don't know how this is going to work.
Just the fact that I am working on a relationship is pretty awesome. I know that I am both exciting and scared about the steps into this relationship. I am also praying that he is really wanting this too, and willing to make time to get together. I would really like to see him, for me that is the one thing that will help me to know that I know he is the one, or not. I really believe that he works too much, I just don't know. Nonetheless, I am sort of enjoying this. When we text he makes me feel so special, he does the same when we actually talk. So amazing to be navigating thru this.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
New Feelings
10/2/16 -- So, this is October, where has the past year gone? To me, it seems that it has gone so fast, hard to imagine the progress that I have made, just in these last 5 months.
When I started meeting with my new Counselor, I was reeling from my old one leaving and my not really wanting to move on.
Yet, just in the last couple of weeks I have made the decision to move on regardless of what "unfinished business" is left in my relationship with my son. I just flat out don't like being stuck where I was: in the place of fear - fear of sliding backwards down that dark hole of deep depression/suicide and the fear of not knowing what lies ahead for me. Fear of not knowing what its like to be more upbeat and happy and just moving forward. Somewhere along the way, I decided that i just needed to move forward; that I am not "leaving Dakotah behind", I am just leaving things unfinished. I don't like leaving something unfinished but I don't have a choice because staying stuck isn't good for me, either.
It is actually quite strange for me to NOT be so down all the time. It does feel good to not be down, but to be more upbeat. Now there are days that my days are rough but nothing that I haven't been able to handle. My last session with my current Counselor ended with a kind of summary of our time together and what we/I have accomplished. I hadn't thought about the idea that I really have done a great majority of the work needed to get out of depression(of course I readily acknowledge that God has been right beside me all the way)so technically I haven't done it alone. Yet, to say that the counselor hasn't done anything would be wrong too. They have been there for me to unload on and to give me suggestions and advice to cope with and how to handle different things.
The Counselor that I had(my last session with him was last Monday)quickly noticed that I like to "process" the things that we talk about during our session, after I have left. The processing of the our session is something that I have done from the day of my first session with my very first Counselor.
I feel like that the biggest thing that I have done (Christ in me)is to finally realize that I am a child of God, that I am the good things that people say that I am and that I am not the person that satan says that I am.
I don't feel like I am the same person that I was 2-3 years ago. I have been been thru a lot to get to this point but I wouldn't trade it for anything because I wouldn't be who I am now.
Actually ready to meet a man and be ready for a relationship.
When I started meeting with my new Counselor, I was reeling from my old one leaving and my not really wanting to move on.
Yet, just in the last couple of weeks I have made the decision to move on regardless of what "unfinished business" is left in my relationship with my son. I just flat out don't like being stuck where I was: in the place of fear - fear of sliding backwards down that dark hole of deep depression/suicide and the fear of not knowing what lies ahead for me. Fear of not knowing what its like to be more upbeat and happy and just moving forward. Somewhere along the way, I decided that i just needed to move forward; that I am not "leaving Dakotah behind", I am just leaving things unfinished. I don't like leaving something unfinished but I don't have a choice because staying stuck isn't good for me, either.
It is actually quite strange for me to NOT be so down all the time. It does feel good to not be down, but to be more upbeat. Now there are days that my days are rough but nothing that I haven't been able to handle. My last session with my current Counselor ended with a kind of summary of our time together and what we/I have accomplished. I hadn't thought about the idea that I really have done a great majority of the work needed to get out of depression(of course I readily acknowledge that God has been right beside me all the way)so technically I haven't done it alone. Yet, to say that the counselor hasn't done anything would be wrong too. They have been there for me to unload on and to give me suggestions and advice to cope with and how to handle different things.
The Counselor that I had(my last session with him was last Monday)quickly noticed that I like to "process" the things that we talk about during our session, after I have left. The processing of the our session is something that I have done from the day of my first session with my very first Counselor.
I feel like that the biggest thing that I have done (Christ in me)is to finally realize that I am a child of God, that I am the good things that people say that I am and that I am not the person that satan says that I am.
I don't feel like I am the same person that I was 2-3 years ago. I have been been thru a lot to get to this point but I wouldn't trade it for anything because I wouldn't be who I am now.
Actually ready to meet a man and be ready for a relationship.
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