10/2/16 -- So, this is October, where has the past year gone? To me, it seems that it has gone so fast, hard to imagine the progress that I have made, just in these last 5 months.
When I started meeting with my new Counselor, I was reeling from my old one leaving and my not really wanting to move on.
Yet, just in the last couple of weeks I have made the decision to move on regardless of what "unfinished business" is left in my relationship with my son. I just flat out don't like being stuck where I was: in the place of fear - fear of sliding backwards down that dark hole of deep depression/suicide and the fear of not knowing what lies ahead for me. Fear of not knowing what its like to be more upbeat and happy and just moving forward. Somewhere along the way, I decided that i just needed to move forward; that I am not "leaving Dakotah behind", I am just leaving things unfinished. I don't like leaving something unfinished but I don't have a choice because staying stuck isn't good for me, either.
It is actually quite strange for me to NOT be so down all the time. It does feel good to not be down, but to be more upbeat. Now there are days that my days are rough but nothing that I haven't been able to handle. My last session with my current Counselor ended with a kind of summary of our time together and what we/I have accomplished. I hadn't thought about the idea that I really have done a great majority of the work needed to get out of depression(of course I readily acknowledge that God has been right beside me all the way)so technically I haven't done it alone. Yet, to say that the counselor hasn't done anything would be wrong too. They have been there for me to unload on and to give me suggestions and advice to cope with and how to handle different things.
The Counselor that I had(my last session with him was last Monday)quickly noticed that I like to "process" the things that we talk about during our session, after I have left. The processing of the our session is something that I have done from the day of my first session with my very first Counselor.
I feel like that the biggest thing that I have done (Christ in me)is to finally realize that I am a child of God, that I am the good things that people say that I am and that I am not the person that satan says that I am.
I don't feel like I am the same person that I was 2-3 years ago. I have been been thru a lot to get to this point but I wouldn't trade it for anything because I wouldn't be who I am now.
Actually ready to meet a man and be ready for a relationship.
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