Wednesday, August 26, 2015
MercyMe - Flawless (Official Music Video)
8/25/15 -- God is using above video is like trying to get thru to me plus He is using my Counselor as I noticed during my session today. Two different levels as which God is trying to reach me, two different fronts.
Today, during my session with my Counselor, he pressed me on something that I was telling him because I was actually saying two different things. My Counselor had asked me if I trusted God to handle the situation between my son and I; my answer was a contradiction to itself. That contradictive answer caused a discussion that left my Counselor wondering til an idea popped into his "pointy little head" 😉. He walked over to his dry erase board and proceeded to write somethings on the board. The interesting thing about what he was writing was the "third chapter" because it reflected what he was actually hearing in my contradictive answer to his question. Needless to say that was just "a lot" eye opening for me because I realized exactly what I was saying to him and essentially to God as well. Then when he sat down he proceeded to ask me about the 4th chapter, "what will it be?" I told him that I didn't honestly know to which he responded to me with, "that is my homework, to write the 4th chapter." So, I have to figure out how to write the 4th chapter or at least title it but I am sure he wants it written started anyway.
Basically, the 4th chapter has to consist of a way that I am going to be able to move on with my life, by letting go and letting God take care of this situation. I can say that out of my head but to be able to get past it in my heart is another store.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Keeping on........
8/20/15 -- This last week has been an interesting week. The headache has been hanging on, yesterday was physical therapy day, and boy I am telling you, it felt good. The Physical Therapist had me do the first stretches he showed then he had me lay on a table so he could massage the base of my skull & top of my neck. He was really getting the muscle that always is so stinkin tight with this headache. He was actually successful in reducing my headache some more and it really isn't all that bad this morning but I am really trying to keep that muscle from tightening up again.
I had my first visit, in quite a long time, at my Friend's house, a couple of evenings ago. It started out pretty good, we were having a pretty good conversation the an unexpected visitor/s. I didn't mind the additional visitors because who am I to say as I was a guest in their home. I am really trying to not be the person that I have become because I don't like "her", she isn't flexible in anything or with anyone. Altho, on my way home, my Friend did text and invite me back to her place next week so we could have more time to talk to which I responded with sure.
I also ran into another friend that I haven't seen in quite a long time, at Dollar General, we talk briefly about what's been going on in my life with my son because asked about me being a Grandma. I showed her a picture of my littlest granddaughter because she is right on my phone. Then we discussed what was going on, because she asked how my son was doing, so that is how we delved into the whole discussion.
The great thing about that discussion was she had some great advice. I believe that was a "God given run in" because I believe that nothing happens by mistake. She suggested/told me to "buy, date birthday cards for my granddaughters and put notes inside them, then hold them til I could give them to them myself or til they see them after I pass on." So, of course, I seriously thought about what she told me because I have considered that, she confirmed what I had already been toying with. Also, she suggested that I read the story in the Bible about the Prodigal Son, that story is in Luke. I did that last night and it totally fits the situation I am in. Plus, she told me pray for my son in such a way that God would bring people and situations into his life that would cause him to miss me. That is something that I haven't done in quite a while. So, that is what I did last night and will continue to do that because I truly don't know what else to pray for my son; however I have been trusting that God knows exactly what he needs and how to get that young man/child to do what needs to be done for reconciliation.
Then there is my daughter in-law who I believe has been "jawing" not so good things into his ears which hasn't helped his situation with whatever else he has got going on. I pray that God plugs his ears concerning the negative things she says about me, to him. He has been dealing with something very personal and I believe he because of that he hasn't been able to stand up to her negative talk, and tell exactly what what is the truth or tell her that they should confront me themselves to straighten things out. That is also what "ticks" me off!
My prayer for myself is that God would help me to love my daughter in-law because we have never really been able to develop a relationship let alone get to know each other. I believe she has used that to her advantage in being able to talk "smack" about me to my son and know that he can't/won't stand up to her cause he can't given the crap he is already dealing with. The ability to truly love her is what is really important and I mean love with God's love because I highly doubt that I can do that on my own.
Not only that but I also have to seriously work on what I need to discuss with my Youth Pastor and his Wife because they are the family that I have become quite close to and I have decided to make them some important legal people in my life for when I pass away, just in case my son and I haven't reconciled by the that time. {whenever that would be}
By working on this, forces me to go to a place that I haven't wanted to go for a long time. I just don't like becoming that emotional, yet I do almost every two weeks. It's just that this process is the worst case scenario but thankfully this is something that can be changed.
I had my first visit, in quite a long time, at my Friend's house, a couple of evenings ago. It started out pretty good, we were having a pretty good conversation the an unexpected visitor/s. I didn't mind the additional visitors because who am I to say as I was a guest in their home. I am really trying to not be the person that I have become because I don't like "her", she isn't flexible in anything or with anyone. Altho, on my way home, my Friend did text and invite me back to her place next week so we could have more time to talk to which I responded with sure.
I also ran into another friend that I haven't seen in quite a long time, at Dollar General, we talk briefly about what's been going on in my life with my son because asked about me being a Grandma. I showed her a picture of my littlest granddaughter because she is right on my phone. Then we discussed what was going on, because she asked how my son was doing, so that is how we delved into the whole discussion.
The great thing about that discussion was she had some great advice. I believe that was a "God given run in" because I believe that nothing happens by mistake. She suggested/told me to "buy, date birthday cards for my granddaughters and put notes inside them, then hold them til I could give them to them myself or til they see them after I pass on." So, of course, I seriously thought about what she told me because I have considered that, she confirmed what I had already been toying with. Also, she suggested that I read the story in the Bible about the Prodigal Son, that story is in Luke. I did that last night and it totally fits the situation I am in. Plus, she told me pray for my son in such a way that God would bring people and situations into his life that would cause him to miss me. That is something that I haven't done in quite a while. So, that is what I did last night and will continue to do that because I truly don't know what else to pray for my son; however I have been trusting that God knows exactly what he needs and how to get that young man/child to do what needs to be done for reconciliation.
Then there is my daughter in-law who I believe has been "jawing" not so good things into his ears which hasn't helped his situation with whatever else he has got going on. I pray that God plugs his ears concerning the negative things she says about me, to him. He has been dealing with something very personal and I believe he because of that he hasn't been able to stand up to her negative talk, and tell exactly what what is the truth or tell her that they should confront me themselves to straighten things out. That is also what "ticks" me off!
My prayer for myself is that God would help me to love my daughter in-law because we have never really been able to develop a relationship let alone get to know each other. I believe she has used that to her advantage in being able to talk "smack" about me to my son and know that he can't/won't stand up to her cause he can't given the crap he is already dealing with. The ability to truly love her is what is really important and I mean love with God's love because I highly doubt that I can do that on my own.
Not only that but I also have to seriously work on what I need to discuss with my Youth Pastor and his Wife because they are the family that I have become quite close to and I have decided to make them some important legal people in my life for when I pass away, just in case my son and I haven't reconciled by the that time. {whenever that would be}
By working on this, forces me to go to a place that I haven't wanted to go for a long time. I just don't like becoming that emotional, yet I do almost every two weeks. It's just that this process is the worst case scenario but thankfully this is something that can be changed.
Monday, August 17, 2015
The Sucky Weekend
8/17/15 -- Ok, so this past weekend turned out to be an absolute dud! I was invited to go to an amusement park as a part of a birthday party of one of the older girls of the Youth Pastor of the church that I am apart of. I was all looking forward to going, wanting to go, prepared to go, had even bought lunch meat and chips to go with and gotten my cooler out to go. Then, when I woke up on Saturday morning my headache was pretty intense, to the point that I couldn't go to and participate in the birthday party, which seriously sucked! This is the second in recent months that a headache has kept me from having fun! I took the last of my Imitrex injection and eventually took the last Imitrex tablet, so I now have zero Imitrex for pain relief, when it works.
Then Sunday, it was somewhat better in that I didn't need anything for pain relief, I did do the stretches and the massage technique that Physical Therapy taught me, however there was one stretch that I didn't do because of the effect that it had on my head. That maybe why the headache didn't last 3 days like it usually does, who knows. I was so extremely disappointed to be part of the party on Saturday, why couldn't have this stupid headache either not happened at all or happened on Sunday, if it has to happen at all! I ended up taking a morning nap after which I felt even more better 😜. I finally decided to get a few things done around that house simply because they needed to be done and my head was actually going to let me. Not only that, but the "nat" issue that I have had ever since the fresh veggies were left out and uncovered "duh". Of course I took it easy so as to not aggravate the head.
Last night I slept like crap - woke once around 12:30ish and had a very difficult time going back to sleep. I had a song running thru my head that just wouldn't go away. How weird is that? Then to top it all off I was hot and sweaty and don't know why. I don't know I was running a fever or what.
Just an fyi - no I haven't gotten too serious on the question that my Counselor asked me, either. I have thought about it, even discussed with a friend but that is about it. I have about another week, I got a sneaky suspicion that he will remember and question me on it, so I do have to get serious on doing it.
Then Sunday, it was somewhat better in that I didn't need anything for pain relief, I did do the stretches and the massage technique that Physical Therapy taught me, however there was one stretch that I didn't do because of the effect that it had on my head. That maybe why the headache didn't last 3 days like it usually does, who knows. I was so extremely disappointed to be part of the party on Saturday, why couldn't have this stupid headache either not happened at all or happened on Sunday, if it has to happen at all! I ended up taking a morning nap after which I felt even more better 😜. I finally decided to get a few things done around that house simply because they needed to be done and my head was actually going to let me. Not only that, but the "nat" issue that I have had ever since the fresh veggies were left out and uncovered "duh". Of course I took it easy so as to not aggravate the head.
Last night I slept like crap - woke once around 12:30ish and had a very difficult time going back to sleep. I had a song running thru my head that just wouldn't go away. How weird is that? Then to top it all off I was hot and sweaty and don't know why. I don't know I was running a fever or what.
Just an fyi - no I haven't gotten too serious on the question that my Counselor asked me, either. I have thought about it, even discussed with a friend but that is about it. I have about another week, I got a sneaky suspicion that he will remember and question me on it, so I do have to get serious on doing it.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Conversation
8/14/15 -- Yesterday was kinda fun in that work was broken up by a lunch date with a friend. We went to a place in the town that I work close to; I parked in a grocery store parking lot and we went in her car to the place where we ended up eating. The place where we ate was a Bar/Family place. I ordered a ribeye sandwich and fries, my friend ordered a BLT with in-house made chips. We both ordered the same type of iced tea. The ribeye sandwich was awesome, a real ribeye piece of meat cook the perfectly and it tasted great. The ribeye was too big for the bun so I cut a chunk off so I could eat as a sandwich then I ate the rest of the meat with out the bun and ate the sandwich with out any condiments-didn't need any.
My friend and I talked about a variety of things but first off she wanted to know about my trip to the doctor in Madison for my second opinion. So, I started off by filling her in on that adventure along with what the "doctor" said actually it was a physician's assistant, anyway, what she wants me to do and when I am suppose to go see her again. My friend really wants to go with me next time, so she is "supposedly" going to put it in her calendar after she sees what is or might be already there that day.
The conversation went to the situation with my son and that things that I have been struggling with. She was surprised by the things that I had told her but not completely, she commented that she has noticed that same thing coming out of the church but she isn't sure if it is a "town" thing or what. I told her that I have been feeling like I am not a priority on anyone's list. {those who are suppose to be my "friends"} She then asked me if I have always felt that way, to which I said, "yes". She was kind of surprised. I filled her in on some other stuff that I had discussed with my Counselor. She was understanding and has some interesting things to say to what I was telling her. She didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know but making the connection between head and heart seems to be my problem. I am really struggling with my faith because my situation is like a distraction for me hence the struggle. That is one of the main reasons that I want/need a mentor that can go one or two steps beyond what my Friend does especially now with her mom living with them now. My friend and I had a really time talking that we lost track of time, that when I looked at a clock it was 2:20 but I looked then at my cell phone clock which then gave me the correct time which was 1:20pm by then we knew that we can start considering the fact that needed to be leaving soon.
Our conversation took me down a path that I generally don't like to go because of the emotions that it evokes. I just don't like going there because of the emotions and I am quite tired of the emotions. Yet, I know that I have to go there because it is the only way that healing is going to happen so that I can truly move on. God really wants my all and I just am having a difficult time giving up control over myself, even tho right now I feel like things are spiraling completely out of control, in my life. Both my friend and my Counselor said some very encouraging things that I go take to heart because I don't get encouragement very often, yet I don't feel the things that were said, the good things, right now. I have been putting on a good show, in other words, people don't really know that the things have been bothering me to the extent they have been. Not to mention, the headache, I can walk around with a headache and not show it. That is not all that difficult when the headache isn't too intense, on the other hand when the headache is way intense then there is no way I can mask or act as if there is nothing going on. My friend was amazed at that. She asked if I had a headache, at that moment, and I told her that I did.
So many things going on and I just don't know how to handle it all. I am really trying to hang onto my faith, to many distractions. However, I am too old to go down a path that I once went down when my ex-husband burned me. I was so numb then that I just didn't care about being the "good little girl" or "the miss goody two-shoes" and I slept with a several men (I can count on one hand how many men I slept with) and ended up pregnant by one of them. I did have a miscarriage so I still only have one child -- I have to admit I am thankful that I have only one because raising once child on my own was plenty. I totally believe that God also knew that so He allowed for the miscarriage, as well. I knew that I wasn't in a good place - not divorced from my husband yet, and having sex with someone outside the context of marriage. That was a reality check for me because I didn't have any issues when I was pregnant with my first child.
Wow, I just revealed more that I planned but you know a little more about me.
My friend and I talked about a variety of things but first off she wanted to know about my trip to the doctor in Madison for my second opinion. So, I started off by filling her in on that adventure along with what the "doctor" said actually it was a physician's assistant, anyway, what she wants me to do and when I am suppose to go see her again. My friend really wants to go with me next time, so she is "supposedly" going to put it in her calendar after she sees what is or might be already there that day.
The conversation went to the situation with my son and that things that I have been struggling with. She was surprised by the things that I had told her but not completely, she commented that she has noticed that same thing coming out of the church but she isn't sure if it is a "town" thing or what. I told her that I have been feeling like I am not a priority on anyone's list. {those who are suppose to be my "friends"} She then asked me if I have always felt that way, to which I said, "yes". She was kind of surprised. I filled her in on some other stuff that I had discussed with my Counselor. She was understanding and has some interesting things to say to what I was telling her. She didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know but making the connection between head and heart seems to be my problem. I am really struggling with my faith because my situation is like a distraction for me hence the struggle. That is one of the main reasons that I want/need a mentor that can go one or two steps beyond what my Friend does especially now with her mom living with them now. My friend and I had a really time talking that we lost track of time, that when I looked at a clock it was 2:20 but I looked then at my cell phone clock which then gave me the correct time which was 1:20pm by then we knew that we can start considering the fact that needed to be leaving soon.
Our conversation took me down a path that I generally don't like to go because of the emotions that it evokes. I just don't like going there because of the emotions and I am quite tired of the emotions. Yet, I know that I have to go there because it is the only way that healing is going to happen so that I can truly move on. God really wants my all and I just am having a difficult time giving up control over myself, even tho right now I feel like things are spiraling completely out of control, in my life. Both my friend and my Counselor said some very encouraging things that I go take to heart because I don't get encouragement very often, yet I don't feel the things that were said, the good things, right now. I have been putting on a good show, in other words, people don't really know that the things have been bothering me to the extent they have been. Not to mention, the headache, I can walk around with a headache and not show it. That is not all that difficult when the headache isn't too intense, on the other hand when the headache is way intense then there is no way I can mask or act as if there is nothing going on. My friend was amazed at that. She asked if I had a headache, at that moment, and I told her that I did.
So many things going on and I just don't know how to handle it all. I am really trying to hang onto my faith, to many distractions. However, I am too old to go down a path that I once went down when my ex-husband burned me. I was so numb then that I just didn't care about being the "good little girl" or "the miss goody two-shoes" and I slept with a several men (I can count on one hand how many men I slept with) and ended up pregnant by one of them. I did have a miscarriage so I still only have one child -- I have to admit I am thankful that I have only one because raising once child on my own was plenty. I totally believe that God also knew that so He allowed for the miscarriage, as well. I knew that I wasn't in a good place - not divorced from my husband yet, and having sex with someone outside the context of marriage. That was a reality check for me because I didn't have any issues when I was pregnant with my first child.
Wow, I just revealed more that I planned but you know a little more about me.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Thoughts of the Future.....
8/13/15 -- So, over the last couple of days I have been trying to go "that place" that causes me a great deal of emotional pain. My Counselor wants me to think about what it would be like if this situation would go on for 20, 30, 40, years and how I would be able to positively, constructively move on with my life. He means; move on with my life with joy and happiness, without having to see him on a regular basis I am sure 😐. To be completely honest, it is really super difficult to go to that place, I just don't want to "fall apart." Going to "that place" actually scares me to "death" for lack of other words. Admittedly I didn't really try all that hard because I didn't want to, just I just can't bring myself to comprehend the thought of not seeing my son, let alone my granddaughter, the littlest one for that long. 😢
Shall I talk to my little Granddaughter; she is one beautiful little girl. I was invited and able to go to her first birthday party, last October, so I took a lot of pictures, on my cell phone. As I was looking rather closely at one of these pictures I happen to notice that her nose didn't look like either one of her parents. I do have pictures of both of them to compare to. Anyway, I was noticing that her nose and the shape of her face was more like mine, not either one of her parents. It was way too funny; but it was awesome because then I wondered if my son and has figured out that he has been holding and taking care of his "mom" in a sense. 😜 Now I get why someone at church told me that she looks like me. At first I said, " no way" because all I could see was my son; she was born with absolutely beautiful dark hair just like his, and I have never been so proud of him. When she was born I was so proud, this little girl is my first granddaughter - blood born granddaughter and for me that is extremely special.
Even tho both parents have "unfriended" me on Facebook which pathetic and her mom has "blocked" me so I can't even find her to even see how things are going with her; I "liked" her Professional Facebook Photography page so that I don't miss any pictures that she post of the girls. That can be a good and a bad thing because it is a haunting reminder that they are so far away and I can't see them in person, however I am not missing them growing up as I do get the pictures. It is far from the same as seeing them in person tho and I miss them so incredibly much. I can't even begin to verbalize how much I miss them, especially my son and little granddaughter.
The super hardest part of this thing has been the loss of the extra special relationship that my son and I once had. I am fully aware that what we had is a rare thing, most single moms raising sons don't get to have such a relationship with their sons that I had. I most definitely don't understand what happened -- the one thing that seems to be reflecting here is my daughter in-law was accusing me a being jealous, maybe she is the one who was/is jealous of the what my son and I had and she sought to destroy it and my son just didn't see it coming because of the other garbage that he has been dealing with. I don't understand..........
Shall I talk to my little Granddaughter; she is one beautiful little girl. I was invited and able to go to her first birthday party, last October, so I took a lot of pictures, on my cell phone. As I was looking rather closely at one of these pictures I happen to notice that her nose didn't look like either one of her parents. I do have pictures of both of them to compare to. Anyway, I was noticing that her nose and the shape of her face was more like mine, not either one of her parents. It was way too funny; but it was awesome because then I wondered if my son and has figured out that he has been holding and taking care of his "mom" in a sense. 😜 Now I get why someone at church told me that she looks like me. At first I said, " no way" because all I could see was my son; she was born with absolutely beautiful dark hair just like his, and I have never been so proud of him. When she was born I was so proud, this little girl is my first granddaughter - blood born granddaughter and for me that is extremely special.
Even tho both parents have "unfriended" me on Facebook which pathetic and her mom has "blocked" me so I can't even find her to even see how things are going with her; I "liked" her Professional Facebook Photography page so that I don't miss any pictures that she post of the girls. That can be a good and a bad thing because it is a haunting reminder that they are so far away and I can't see them in person, however I am not missing them growing up as I do get the pictures. It is far from the same as seeing them in person tho and I miss them so incredibly much. I can't even begin to verbalize how much I miss them, especially my son and little granddaughter.
The super hardest part of this thing has been the loss of the extra special relationship that my son and I once had. I am fully aware that what we had is a rare thing, most single moms raising sons don't get to have such a relationship with their sons that I had. I most definitely don't understand what happened -- the one thing that seems to be reflecting here is my daughter in-law was accusing me a being jealous, maybe she is the one who was/is jealous of the what my son and I had and she sought to destroy it and my son just didn't see it coming because of the other garbage that he has been dealing with. I don't understand..........
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Counselor Visit Yesterday
8/12/15 -- I had a session with my Counselor yesterday morning, which I do tend to look forward to because I don't really have anyone else to talk to. The need to discuss the things that have been going on in my head and heart has been great and my Friend and prayer Partner hasn't exactly been there for me as of late; besides she would give some "pat biblical thing" that she thinks that I should be reading/studying the bible more and praying. Don't get me wrong, there is a place for that and she isn't wrong but that isn't something that I need to hear because she doesn't know or understand/get what I am talking about largely because just texting means that I haven't given her specifics on the thoughts or details on the feeling that I have been dealing with; so her "pat" answer isn't the only thing that I needed. So, anyway when I told my Counselor the thoughts and feelings that I have been dealing with, he wanted to know if my "faith" or the way I grew up was the reason I believed that I wasn't "ok" to feel and think the things that I have been feeling. My response was that it is a combination of both. I told him a true story about something that happened to me as a direct result of my ex-husband "burning" me.
My Counselor basically gave me permission to think and feel those negative and bad things because, as he explained, this thing with my son is still very much raw and "bubbling at the top" of my emotions so when people don't put me on their priorities when they initiate it then they change the plans -- you see normally those things have been really bothering me where it used to be that I could just "let it slide". My Counselor suggests that I allow myself to feel those things, frustration, irritation, and that it is ok to be selfish, to a certain extent. He told me that I need to be able to find a way to express my feelings of hurt/frustration when someone changes their plans with me without "blowing up". Right now, I can honestly tell you, that I am not capable of doing that without writing and rewriting before "sending". My Counselor had said some nice things but I just don't have the capability right now because I just don't feel valued and some of the other things that he mentioned, yesterday. I honestly don't remember all the things that he said now. I don't know that I don't feel the things that he mentioned so it is difficult to do some of the things that he told me to do or suggested..
My Counselor did give me some homework and he ever wrote it down so as to remember for next session to discuss it. The homework is for me to answer a question that he asked: How would I handle it if things with my son went on for 20, 30, 40 years? When he asked me in the office I honestly couldn't even comprehend that, still can't -- to be even further honest I don't want to even think about it. I just plain don't want to go there so this assignment is really going to be difficult. I have 2 weeks and I am curious as to whether he will remember or not.
My Counselor basically gave me permission to think and feel those negative and bad things because, as he explained, this thing with my son is still very much raw and "bubbling at the top" of my emotions so when people don't put me on their priorities when they initiate it then they change the plans -- you see normally those things have been really bothering me where it used to be that I could just "let it slide". My Counselor suggests that I allow myself to feel those things, frustration, irritation, and that it is ok to be selfish, to a certain extent. He told me that I need to be able to find a way to express my feelings of hurt/frustration when someone changes their plans with me without "blowing up". Right now, I can honestly tell you, that I am not capable of doing that without writing and rewriting before "sending". My Counselor had said some nice things but I just don't have the capability right now because I just don't feel valued and some of the other things that he mentioned, yesterday. I honestly don't remember all the things that he said now. I don't know that I don't feel the things that he mentioned so it is difficult to do some of the things that he told me to do or suggested..
My Counselor did give me some homework and he ever wrote it down so as to remember for next session to discuss it. The homework is for me to answer a question that he asked: How would I handle it if things with my son went on for 20, 30, 40 years? When he asked me in the office I honestly couldn't even comprehend that, still can't -- to be even further honest I don't want to even think about it. I just plain don't want to go there so this assignment is really going to be difficult. I have 2 weeks and I am curious as to whether he will remember or not.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Last Week Continued
8/11/15 -- Well, there are a number of things that I am definitely struggling with that I have never struggled with before. One of those things is; I don't feel like myself in that I don't feel like the same woman that I was just a couple of months ago let alone a year ago or more. There are things that bother me that never did before. Things like - when someone says that want to make plans with me, they even "pencil me in" then somewhere along the way when I remind them [at their request] they forget and plan something else on those/that day. It used to be that I could just let it slide but now not so much or easy. I am even dealing with selfishness and that is something that I definitely don't like at all! I don't like feeling selfish period, it just so not a good thing.
Last week was VBS and during one of the closing times I caught a woman and asked her if she would be willing to be a mentor to me; actually I have asked to women during VBS to be my mentor. One of the women didn't sound too sure and hasn't really said too much but the second one actually got back to me, this past Sunday, saying that she would be willing to give it a try once she and her hubby got back from vacation. I am very grateful for that; however she misunderstands what I want but at the same time we may end up going to my "painful" place just because she hasn't been in the preverbal loop in quite a while. When I told her that my son and family moved 3 hrs away from here without telling me face-to-face she actually had tears in her eyes. What I really am looking for is accountability for getting in the Word, someone to talk to more often, someone to help me keep things sorted out and in line and prayerfully and to develop a relationship with another women and give a different friend a break.
I seriously don't like the this struggle that I am dealing with, I don't like my apt not being as clean as it should be and things like that. I don't like the things that I am feeling and thinking. You know like: What would I do if my son should up at my door today? Do I really want to see him? Do I really want to still be his mom? Do I really still care? Has the damage that has been done unrepairable? Do I want it to be repaired? Do I want to see him? Do I want to see her? All of these things I have thought about or have crossed my mind and I don't like it, not one bit! So, many things that have been "doggin" my mind and it really does effect the way I feel physically and my motivation really has sucked a lot lately.
Friday was an eventful day for me. After VBS and picking up lunch I headed to a small town not far from where I work {full-time}, to work for a couple hours. There is a family of 9 children and 2 adults that said she wanted to hire me on my days off from my full-time job.
I spent like 3 hrs with one of her youngest sons, in his large closet, to make sure he would pick up all the clothes off the floor. After all that was done I did a round of dishes that was it. I did have fun, and I help her son pick up/hang up the shirts and he put away the clothes that belonged in the dresser drawers. It was nice to do something different and other than just sitting around because for whatever reason I just am not motivated to clean my own place, thoroughly clean that is. My place isn't filthy or anything, I won't let it get that bad, I am just irritated at myself.
Last week was VBS and during one of the closing times I caught a woman and asked her if she would be willing to be a mentor to me; actually I have asked to women during VBS to be my mentor. One of the women didn't sound too sure and hasn't really said too much but the second one actually got back to me, this past Sunday, saying that she would be willing to give it a try once she and her hubby got back from vacation. I am very grateful for that; however she misunderstands what I want but at the same time we may end up going to my "painful" place just because she hasn't been in the preverbal loop in quite a while. When I told her that my son and family moved 3 hrs away from here without telling me face-to-face she actually had tears in her eyes. What I really am looking for is accountability for getting in the Word, someone to talk to more often, someone to help me keep things sorted out and in line and prayerfully and to develop a relationship with another women and give a different friend a break.
I seriously don't like the this struggle that I am dealing with, I don't like my apt not being as clean as it should be and things like that. I don't like the things that I am feeling and thinking. You know like: What would I do if my son should up at my door today? Do I really want to see him? Do I really want to still be his mom? Do I really still care? Has the damage that has been done unrepairable? Do I want it to be repaired? Do I want to see him? Do I want to see her? All of these things I have thought about or have crossed my mind and I don't like it, not one bit! So, many things that have been "doggin" my mind and it really does effect the way I feel physically and my motivation really has sucked a lot lately.
Friday was an eventful day for me. After VBS and picking up lunch I headed to a small town not far from where I work {full-time}, to work for a couple hours. There is a family of 9 children and 2 adults that said she wanted to hire me on my days off from my full-time job.
I spent like 3 hrs with one of her youngest sons, in his large closet, to make sure he would pick up all the clothes off the floor. After all that was done I did a round of dishes that was it. I did have fun, and I help her son pick up/hang up the shirts and he put away the clothes that belonged in the dresser drawers. It was nice to do something different and other than just sitting around because for whatever reason I just am not motivated to clean my own place, thoroughly clean that is. My place isn't filthy or anything, I won't let it get that bad, I am just irritated at myself.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Last Week
7/10/15 -- I apologize for not making any entries over the last week; last week was a busy week for me and therefore just didn't have time to make any entries into my blog.
Last week was VBS [Vacation Bible School] and a short work week for me, of which I wasn't too thrilled with. The first 3 days of the week I took the young man that I take care of in for VBS and I stayed to help then we would return to Brodhead. I had Thursday and Friday off because my boss was getting ready for a "show" during particular weekend "thing" in his hometown. Thursday, I had an appt. with a different Neurologist for a second opinion on my headache, in the bigger city about an hour from where I live. I have been to this clinic before for some testing on my hands for carpal tunnel issues a couple years ago.
This young lady Physician's assistant, headache specialist for the neurologists in this clinic. She had looked at my MRI and CT scan, we talked, then she examined me, then we talked again. Her Diagnosis is; this headache is completely stress related. I asked her to explain what happened in Sept. that I ended up in the ER. So, she did - by saying that because I have a history of migraine headaches and carrying stress in my neck plus when she examined me she noticed that my neck was extremely tight. She told me that the cause my trip to ER was a result of accumulated stress that just "exploded" [in my head-the nerve that my original Neurologist did a nerve block after the er} She decided and I agreed to going along with her because I want get off this one medication. So, She recommended tapering off the Topamax (the medication that I didn't like being on anyway and really wasn't working anyway, very well.) She is gradually working me onto Gabepentin, and different daily pain medication that won't work against my anti-depressant that I am already on. Plus, she recommends Physical Therapy to work on my neck and relieve the tightness which is part of the stress relation issue. I also think that the stretches that the Physician's Assistant want them to show me will most likely help me to relieve stress in my neck in the long run. My goal is to not have to take daily pain medication because of the headache not completely going away. So, I will see, the Physical Therapy starts tomorrow.
Last week was VBS [Vacation Bible School] and a short work week for me, of which I wasn't too thrilled with. The first 3 days of the week I took the young man that I take care of in for VBS and I stayed to help then we would return to Brodhead. I had Thursday and Friday off because my boss was getting ready for a "show" during particular weekend "thing" in his hometown. Thursday, I had an appt. with a different Neurologist for a second opinion on my headache, in the bigger city about an hour from where I live. I have been to this clinic before for some testing on my hands for carpal tunnel issues a couple years ago.
This young lady Physician's assistant, headache specialist for the neurologists in this clinic. She had looked at my MRI and CT scan, we talked, then she examined me, then we talked again. Her Diagnosis is; this headache is completely stress related. I asked her to explain what happened in Sept. that I ended up in the ER. So, she did - by saying that because I have a history of migraine headaches and carrying stress in my neck plus when she examined me she noticed that my neck was extremely tight. She told me that the cause my trip to ER was a result of accumulated stress that just "exploded" [in my head-the nerve that my original Neurologist did a nerve block after the er} She decided and I agreed to going along with her because I want get off this one medication. So, She recommended tapering off the Topamax (the medication that I didn't like being on anyway and really wasn't working anyway, very well.) She is gradually working me onto Gabepentin, and different daily pain medication that won't work against my anti-depressant that I am already on. Plus, she recommends Physical Therapy to work on my neck and relieve the tightness which is part of the stress relation issue. I also think that the stretches that the Physician's Assistant want them to show me will most likely help me to relieve stress in my neck in the long run. My goal is to not have to take daily pain medication because of the headache not completely going away. So, I will see, the Physical Therapy starts tomorrow.
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