Conversation

8/14/15 -- Yesterday was kinda fun in that work was broken up by a lunch date with a friend.  We went to a place in the town that I work close to; I parked in a grocery store parking lot and we went in her car to the place where we ended up eating.  The place where we ate was a Bar/Family place.  I ordered a ribeye sandwich and fries, my friend ordered a BLT with in-house made chips.  We both ordered the same type of iced tea.  The ribeye sandwich was awesome, a real ribeye piece of meat cook the perfectly and it tasted great.  The ribeye was too big for the bun so I cut a chunk off so I could eat as a sandwich then I ate the rest of the meat with out the bun and ate the sandwich with out any condiments-didn't need any.
   My friend and I talked about a variety of things but first off she wanted to know about my trip to the doctor in Madison for my second opinion.  So, I started off by filling her in on that adventure along with what the "doctor" said actually it was a physician's assistant, anyway, what she wants me to do and when I am suppose to go see her again.  My friend really wants to go with me next time, so she is "supposedly" going to put it in her calendar after she sees what is or might be already there that day. 
  The conversation went to the situation with my son and that things that I have been struggling with.  She was surprised by the things that I had told her but not completely, she commented that she has noticed that same thing coming out of the church but she isn't sure if it is a "town" thing or what.  I told her that I have been feeling like I am not a priority on anyone's list. {those who are suppose to be my "friends"}  She then asked me if I have always felt that way, to which I said, "yes".  She was kind of surprised.  I filled her in on some other stuff that I had discussed with my Counselor.  She was understanding and has some interesting things to say to what I was telling her.  She didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know but making the connection between head and heart seems to be my problem.  I am really struggling with my faith because my situation is like a distraction for me hence the struggle.  That is one of the main reasons that I want/need a mentor that can go one or two steps beyond what my Friend does especially now with her mom living with them now.  My friend and I had a really time talking that we lost track of time, that when I looked at a clock it was 2:20 but I looked then at my cell phone clock which then gave me the correct time which was 1:20pm by then we knew that we can start considering the fact that needed to be leaving soon.
   Our conversation took me down a path that I generally don't like to go because of the emotions that it evokes.  I just don't like going there because of the emotions and I am quite tired of the emotions. Yet, I know that I have to go there because it is the only way that healing is going to happen so that I can truly move on.  God really wants my all and I just am having a difficult time giving up control over myself, even tho right now I feel like things are spiraling completely out of control, in my life.  Both my friend and my Counselor said some very encouraging things that I go take to heart because I don't get encouragement very often, yet I don't feel the things that were said, the good things, right now.  I have been putting on a good show, in other words, people don't really know that the things have been bothering me to the extent they have been.  Not to mention, the headache, I can walk around with a headache and not show it.  That is not all that difficult when the headache isn't too intense, on the other hand when the headache is way intense then there is no way I can mask or act as if there is nothing going on.  My friend was amazed at that.  She asked if I had a headache, at that moment, and I told her that I did.
  So many things going on and I just don't know how to handle it all.  I am really trying to hang onto my faith, to many distractions.  However, I am too old to go down a path that I once went down when my ex-husband burned me.  I was so numb then that I just didn't care about being the "good little girl" or "the miss goody two-shoes" and I slept with a several men (I can count on one hand how many men I slept with) and ended up pregnant by one of them.  I did have a miscarriage so I still only have one child -- I have to admit I am thankful that I have only one because raising once child on my own was plenty.  I totally believe that God also knew that so He allowed for the miscarriage, as well.  I knew that I wasn't in a good place - not divorced from my husband yet, and having sex with someone outside the context of marriage. That was a reality check for me because I didn't have any issues when I was pregnant with my first child.  
  Wow, I just revealed more that I planned but you know a little more about me.