8/12/15 -- I had a session with my Counselor yesterday morning, which I do tend to look forward to because I don't really have anyone else to talk to. The need to discuss the things that have been going on in my head and heart has been great and my Friend and prayer Partner hasn't exactly been there for me as of late; besides she would give some "pat biblical thing" that she thinks that I should be reading/studying the bible more and praying. Don't get me wrong, there is a place for that and she isn't wrong but that isn't something that I need to hear because she doesn't know or understand/get what I am talking about largely because just texting means that I haven't given her specifics on the thoughts or details on the feeling that I have been dealing with; so her "pat" answer isn't the only thing that I needed. So, anyway when I told my Counselor the thoughts and feelings that I have been dealing with, he wanted to know if my "faith" or the way I grew up was the reason I believed that I wasn't "ok" to feel and think the things that I have been feeling. My response was that it is a combination of both. I told him a true story about something that happened to me as a direct result of my ex-husband "burning" me.
My Counselor basically gave me permission to think and feel those negative and bad things because, as he explained, this thing with my son is still very much raw and "bubbling at the top" of my emotions so when people don't put me on their priorities when they initiate it then they change the plans -- you see normally those things have been really bothering me where it used to be that I could just "let it slide". My Counselor suggests that I allow myself to feel those things, frustration, irritation, and that it is ok to be selfish, to a certain extent. He told me that I need to be able to find a way to express my feelings of hurt/frustration when someone changes their plans with me without "blowing up". Right now, I can honestly tell you, that I am not capable of doing that without writing and rewriting before "sending". My Counselor had said some nice things but I just don't have the capability right now because I just don't feel valued and some of the other things that he mentioned, yesterday. I honestly don't remember all the things that he said now. I don't know that I don't feel the things that he mentioned so it is difficult to do some of the things that he told me to do or suggested..
My Counselor did give me some homework and he ever wrote it down so as to remember for next session to discuss it. The homework is for me to answer a question that he asked: How would I handle it if things with my son went on for 20, 30, 40 years? When he asked me in the office I honestly couldn't even comprehend that, still can't -- to be even further honest I don't want to even think about it. I just plain don't want to go there so this assignment is really going to be difficult. I have 2 weeks and I am curious as to whether he will remember or not.
No comments:
Post a Comment