8/11/15 -- Well, there are a number of things that I am definitely struggling with that I have never struggled with before. One of those things is; I don't feel like myself in that I don't feel like the same woman that I was just a couple of months ago let alone a year ago or more. There are things that bother me that never did before. Things like - when someone says that want to make plans with me, they even "pencil me in" then somewhere along the way when I remind them [at their request] they forget and plan something else on those/that day. It used to be that I could just let it slide but now not so much or easy. I am even dealing with selfishness and that is something that I definitely don't like at all! I don't like feeling selfish period, it just so not a good thing.
Last week was VBS and during one of the closing times I caught a woman and asked her if she would be willing to be a mentor to me; actually I have asked to women during VBS to be my mentor. One of the women didn't sound too sure and hasn't really said too much but the second one actually got back to me, this past Sunday, saying that she would be willing to give it a try once she and her hubby got back from vacation. I am very grateful for that; however she misunderstands what I want but at the same time we may end up going to my "painful" place just because she hasn't been in the preverbal loop in quite a while. When I told her that my son and family moved 3 hrs away from here without telling me face-to-face she actually had tears in her eyes. What I really am looking for is accountability for getting in the Word, someone to talk to more often, someone to help me keep things sorted out and in line and prayerfully and to develop a relationship with another women and give a different friend a break.
I seriously don't like the this struggle that I am dealing with, I don't like my apt not being as clean as it should be and things like that. I don't like the things that I am feeling and thinking. You know like: What would I do if my son should up at my door today? Do I really want to see him? Do I really want to still be his mom? Do I really still care? Has the damage that has been done unrepairable? Do I want it to be repaired? Do I want to see him? Do I want to see her? All of these things I have thought about or have crossed my mind and I don't like it, not one bit! So, many things that have been "doggin" my mind and it really does effect the way I feel physically and my motivation really has sucked a lot lately.
Friday was an eventful day for me. After VBS and picking up lunch I headed to a small town not far from where I work {full-time}, to work for a couple hours. There is a family of 9 children and 2 adults that said she wanted to hire me on my days off from my full-time job.
I spent like 3 hrs with one of her youngest sons, in his large closet, to make sure he would pick up all the clothes off the floor. After all that was done I did a round of dishes that was it. I did have fun, and I help her son pick up/hang up the shirts and he put away the clothes that belonged in the dresser drawers. It was nice to do something different and other than just sitting around because for whatever reason I just am not motivated to clean my own place, thoroughly clean that is. My place isn't filthy or anything, I won't let it get that bad, I am just irritated at myself.
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