5/28/17 -- So, the Whole30 eating plan that my friend and I have been working on...I actually saw results in that a blouse that I put on for church, actually stayed buttoned. I haven't worn it in a long while because it wouldn't stay buttoned. I definitely have to stick with it longer because I want to continue to see results. I want to actually see loss of more inches to the point of downsizing in my pants.
I am going to gradually put cheese back into my "diet" but only one kind of cheese and only in my salad, for supper.
Of all the things that I have been missing it's cheese especially since I have been eating more tomatoes, in my salad. I don't like I will be going back to ice cream or chips-n-dip because I have issues with those to things. I tend to want to eat a bit too much of those things. I have been without sweets all month, so today at a graduation party I tried a piece of chocolate cake and ended up eating only a couple of bites. It was good but very, very sweet to me, so I brought it home and will freeze the last of it for a while longer. Don't want to add sugary stuff to my diet too quickly.
Whenever I decide to add ice cream back into my "diet" I will most likely make it so I can control the amount of sugar that goes in it and know that nothing else will be going into it.
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Friday, May 26, 2017
The Story Cont....
5/26/17 -- I have been "nutshelling" this because so much happened that I don't know that it would all fit in a blog, yet I am sure that I will tell you more and more.
My son and I moved into a room that was off of the kitchen of my mother in-law's house. My son slept in a room upstairs in the main part of the house and I slept in the extra room. My son had a hard time adjusting to being in a separate room from me but he eventually did.
The first Thanksgiving that we were there I met that man that my mother in-law had told me about. He was the man that was a good friend of hers and the son of the woman who owned the house, she lived right next door. The man, that I met, could have passed as my brother, he has dark hair, and features like I do and is short like me. Him and I hit it of instantly. He became a wonderful friend, he would listen to me as I unloaded everything that happened to me over the years. It felt so good to get off my chest. He helped me to gain control of my son, and to make one meal and not a special one for him. My son just had to learn how to eat what was put in from of him, quit being so picky, like his dad would allow. My son did learn, however, there was one thing that i couldn't get him to eat, no matter what; that was chicken. I couldn't get that boy to eat chicken no matter how I cooked it, so for a long time I didn't fix it unless he was away at a friend's house or something. Then when he got older, I decided to fix two different meats when I decided I wanted to fix chicken.
Anyway, this man took me with him to meet his friends and to hang out with them. We would go a restaurant that was open late, and just drink coffee, and munch, and talk. It was great, to be around other people and to being the recovery from all that happened. Yet, I still had the court crap to content with and an eventual divorce process to get on with and over with. I was stupid and hired an attorney for him, and he ended up with a plea bargain that only put him in prison for 6yrs. The weird thing is I never ended up paying the attorney because he left the town he was practicing in, after my ex was put in prison. I think that my ex was trying to link him with some sort of miscarriage of justice or something, I don't know but I was glad that I didn't have to pay the man, cause I honestly didn't have the money and I probably shouldn't have hired him in the first place just because my ex didn't really deserve it. The problem was I still wasn't seeing everything yet, and I for reasons that I can't explain, still loved him.
Now, however, I don't love him and want absolutely nothing to do with him, ever.
My son and I moved into a room that was off of the kitchen of my mother in-law's house. My son slept in a room upstairs in the main part of the house and I slept in the extra room. My son had a hard time adjusting to being in a separate room from me but he eventually did.
The first Thanksgiving that we were there I met that man that my mother in-law had told me about. He was the man that was a good friend of hers and the son of the woman who owned the house, she lived right next door. The man, that I met, could have passed as my brother, he has dark hair, and features like I do and is short like me. Him and I hit it of instantly. He became a wonderful friend, he would listen to me as I unloaded everything that happened to me over the years. It felt so good to get off my chest. He helped me to gain control of my son, and to make one meal and not a special one for him. My son just had to learn how to eat what was put in from of him, quit being so picky, like his dad would allow. My son did learn, however, there was one thing that i couldn't get him to eat, no matter what; that was chicken. I couldn't get that boy to eat chicken no matter how I cooked it, so for a long time I didn't fix it unless he was away at a friend's house or something. Then when he got older, I decided to fix two different meats when I decided I wanted to fix chicken.
Anyway, this man took me with him to meet his friends and to hang out with them. We would go a restaurant that was open late, and just drink coffee, and munch, and talk. It was great, to be around other people and to being the recovery from all that happened. Yet, I still had the court crap to content with and an eventual divorce process to get on with and over with. I was stupid and hired an attorney for him, and he ended up with a plea bargain that only put him in prison for 6yrs. The weird thing is I never ended up paying the attorney because he left the town he was practicing in, after my ex was put in prison. I think that my ex was trying to link him with some sort of miscarriage of justice or something, I don't know but I was glad that I didn't have to pay the man, cause I honestly didn't have the money and I probably shouldn't have hired him in the first place just because my ex didn't really deserve it. The problem was I still wasn't seeing everything yet, and I for reasons that I can't explain, still loved him.
Now, however, I don't love him and want absolutely nothing to do with him, ever.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
Another Dance Recital
Today, I thoroughly enjoyed a Ballet/Tap Dance recital. The beautiful children I am pictured with (all but 3 of them) were in the recital. I also got to hold one of a pair of twins that were born on Mother's Day. It was such a privilege to be able hold that wonderful little boy, the first time for me to hold one of these beauties so soon after birth. Normally I have waited til after the family has gone (usually about 3 weeks to a month) before I go over.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
More....
5/15/17 -- As I mentioned earlier, my son never showed any fear towards his dad whenever I would leave the house the alone. However, he was having nightmares. Pretty much every night he would wake up crying, at that age tho he couldn't tell me what they were about. I eventually ended up laying on a mattress in his room, so I was close to him. He loved his dad, I will admit, his dad loved him but he had begun to fail at showing him effectively. The neighbor boy had become more important to him, than our own son.
Had my son shown any fear towards his dad then that would have given me the necessary strength to follow thru with getting out of the marriage. I would have followed thru on going to the domestic violence, for help. So far as I could see, he was a happy little boy. He played and was the favorite little boy around the part of the trailer court that we lived.
In the summer he would run around without a shirt, all summer long. I was able to get ahold of some mosquito repellant/sun block to protect him mainly from the mosquitos but somewhat from the sun. That child was born with a dark complexion so most of the time he would just get darker, like tanner. He was a pretty good boy.
His dad wouldn't allow me to discipline him when he needed it, every time I would try he would yell from the bed room where he was laying. Also, if our son didn't like what I fixed for any meal then I had to make something separate for him, which was ridiculous.
My ex told me that he was not far from getting arrested, but he didn't tell me why. At that point, I just didn't know whether he was telling me the truth or not. Then three weeks later, I looked out the window (cause he had gone across the street to a neighbor's trailer) and there were police men surrounding the trailer. I ran out there to find out what was going on. I spoke to a detective who informed me what they were going to be doing. I went back to our trailer and just watched as they took my ex away in cuffs. For once he had told me the truth. Thankfully, our son wasn't tall enough to see what was going on outside. If he had see his dad being taken away in cuffs he would have been screaming and crying.
I made it down to the police station to find out more information, but I didn't like what they were telling me, I didn't like that my ex had been doing the things they were telling me. For some reason I knew that they were telling me the truth, something that my ex never could tell me, it was like it was foreign to him, or something.
I hired an attorney (altho to be truthful, I don't know why) my ex had no choice but to take the deal, which then gave me a chance to work on getting clear of him. I went and back tracked as many of the stories as I could only to find out that he had been conning people all a long, including me.
He a been trying to con a long time family friend out of money for allegedly putting a headstone on a old friend's grave after 20 some years of being dead. I was seriously wondering about that story. I was informed that if my ex ever stepped foot on this man's property, he would meet the man's shot gun. I don't blame the guy either. I even fact checked other stories that he had told me. The story that he once told me basically put him in California for about 10yrs and supposedly have a child by another woman. However, I checked that info out with his mom and sister which then told me that he had only been there 2yrs and burned every bridge that he had out there.
Buy the time I was done I was so hurt and pretty much destroyed. Our son and I had to move out of the trailer and live in a room off the house that my ex's mom lived in. We lived there for quite awhile. However because i had a child to take care of I couldn't sink into depression....
Had my son shown any fear towards his dad then that would have given me the necessary strength to follow thru with getting out of the marriage. I would have followed thru on going to the domestic violence, for help. So far as I could see, he was a happy little boy. He played and was the favorite little boy around the part of the trailer court that we lived.
In the summer he would run around without a shirt, all summer long. I was able to get ahold of some mosquito repellant/sun block to protect him mainly from the mosquitos but somewhat from the sun. That child was born with a dark complexion so most of the time he would just get darker, like tanner. He was a pretty good boy.
His dad wouldn't allow me to discipline him when he needed it, every time I would try he would yell from the bed room where he was laying. Also, if our son didn't like what I fixed for any meal then I had to make something separate for him, which was ridiculous.
My ex told me that he was not far from getting arrested, but he didn't tell me why. At that point, I just didn't know whether he was telling me the truth or not. Then three weeks later, I looked out the window (cause he had gone across the street to a neighbor's trailer) and there were police men surrounding the trailer. I ran out there to find out what was going on. I spoke to a detective who informed me what they were going to be doing. I went back to our trailer and just watched as they took my ex away in cuffs. For once he had told me the truth. Thankfully, our son wasn't tall enough to see what was going on outside. If he had see his dad being taken away in cuffs he would have been screaming and crying.
I made it down to the police station to find out more information, but I didn't like what they were telling me, I didn't like that my ex had been doing the things they were telling me. For some reason I knew that they were telling me the truth, something that my ex never could tell me, it was like it was foreign to him, or something.
I hired an attorney (altho to be truthful, I don't know why) my ex had no choice but to take the deal, which then gave me a chance to work on getting clear of him. I went and back tracked as many of the stories as I could only to find out that he had been conning people all a long, including me.
He a been trying to con a long time family friend out of money for allegedly putting a headstone on a old friend's grave after 20 some years of being dead. I was seriously wondering about that story. I was informed that if my ex ever stepped foot on this man's property, he would meet the man's shot gun. I don't blame the guy either. I even fact checked other stories that he had told me. The story that he once told me basically put him in California for about 10yrs and supposedly have a child by another woman. However, I checked that info out with his mom and sister which then told me that he had only been there 2yrs and burned every bridge that he had out there.
Buy the time I was done I was so hurt and pretty much destroyed. Our son and I had to move out of the trailer and live in a room off the house that my ex's mom lived in. We lived there for quite awhile. However because i had a child to take care of I couldn't sink into depression....
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Moving Forward....
5/13/17 -- Our son just loved his dad, at the age of around 2 or 3 he wanted his dad more than me. The one thing that I can say is that my husband(my now ex)did love his son, claimed he loved me but was lousy at showing it. There towards the end he was getting lousy at showing it to his own son!
There was a family that was living behind us, that we started hanging out with, their 9yr old would come over and play with our son. Yet, my ex would do things to be able to be able to have their son at our place or to take him places, instead of our son. On the rare occasion that my ex would let me leave the trailer (where we were living)alone for grocery shopping, only, he would be sure that our neighbor's son was with us already. I didn't find out til wayyyy later what was really going on.
There were mornings that my ex would leave in the mornings to, allegedly, make sure their son would make it to school, "ok". I was getting quite irritated that my ex had begun favoring their son over ours, I just didn't get it.
Then one day, we were at the park walking around when he told me that he was going to be arrested. He told me some other things but I don't completely remember all that he told me. The interesting thing is this man had the capability of being 3 different people. When he was "stoned" he was all down on himself, when he was "drunk" he was either argumentative or violent, when he was "straight" he would lie thru his teeth and had me "buffaloed" for a long time. When he was "stoned" he was also very truthful when talking to me. However, I never really never know when he was telling me the truth. During that last six months or so things started clicking for me and I started seeing the lies that he had been telling me; mainly concerning the running of the "household". He would claim that he had paid the utility bills but then we would receive disconnection notices in the mail, which then told me that he had lied and hadn't paid the bill. Yet, when those notices would come in, I was the one who made the phone call to the utility company to try to figure out how to avoid the disconnection. In the end we would go to some agency like the Salvation Army or something like that to have them pay the bill. Even with the SSD that he was getting he still didn't pay the bills.
Things had gotten so bad that one night we argued so bad that he had me backed up to the wall and was about ready to punch me, (his fist was clinched) our neighbor knocked on the door and screamed thru the door, "if you lay a hand on her I will call the cops!" At which point he backed down and left.
By this time I had been sleeping on the love seat cushions because my sleeping with him supposedly cause his back to hurt worse. I had stopped sleeping with him quite awhile before this. He eventually came home and went to bed. At some point tho, he started talking to me about him leaving for awhile and letting me take care of our son. Little did I know that conversation was a precursor to what was about to happen. Somehow I still loved him, yet I hated what he had been doing to me along with lying to me. I had come to the point where I was no longer, "in love with or blinded by him". I had even tried to get away by going to a domestic violence shelter to find out how they could help me. The problem was, I could follow thru because I got terrified that he knew where I had been. I had convinced me that he always knew where I was.
I haven't gotten to what was going on with our young son. Thats coming.....
There was a family that was living behind us, that we started hanging out with, their 9yr old would come over and play with our son. Yet, my ex would do things to be able to be able to have their son at our place or to take him places, instead of our son. On the rare occasion that my ex would let me leave the trailer (where we were living)alone for grocery shopping, only, he would be sure that our neighbor's son was with us already. I didn't find out til wayyyy later what was really going on.
There were mornings that my ex would leave in the mornings to, allegedly, make sure their son would make it to school, "ok". I was getting quite irritated that my ex had begun favoring their son over ours, I just didn't get it.
Then one day, we were at the park walking around when he told me that he was going to be arrested. He told me some other things but I don't completely remember all that he told me. The interesting thing is this man had the capability of being 3 different people. When he was "stoned" he was all down on himself, when he was "drunk" he was either argumentative or violent, when he was "straight" he would lie thru his teeth and had me "buffaloed" for a long time. When he was "stoned" he was also very truthful when talking to me. However, I never really never know when he was telling me the truth. During that last six months or so things started clicking for me and I started seeing the lies that he had been telling me; mainly concerning the running of the "household". He would claim that he had paid the utility bills but then we would receive disconnection notices in the mail, which then told me that he had lied and hadn't paid the bill. Yet, when those notices would come in, I was the one who made the phone call to the utility company to try to figure out how to avoid the disconnection. In the end we would go to some agency like the Salvation Army or something like that to have them pay the bill. Even with the SSD that he was getting he still didn't pay the bills.
Things had gotten so bad that one night we argued so bad that he had me backed up to the wall and was about ready to punch me, (his fist was clinched) our neighbor knocked on the door and screamed thru the door, "if you lay a hand on her I will call the cops!" At which point he backed down and left.
By this time I had been sleeping on the love seat cushions because my sleeping with him supposedly cause his back to hurt worse. I had stopped sleeping with him quite awhile before this. He eventually came home and went to bed. At some point tho, he started talking to me about him leaving for awhile and letting me take care of our son. Little did I know that conversation was a precursor to what was about to happen. Somehow I still loved him, yet I hated what he had been doing to me along with lying to me. I had come to the point where I was no longer, "in love with or blinded by him". I had even tried to get away by going to a domestic violence shelter to find out how they could help me. The problem was, I could follow thru because I got terrified that he knew where I had been. I had convinced me that he always knew where I was.
I haven't gotten to what was going on with our young son. Thats coming.....
Continued.......
5/13/17 -- During the time that my husband, and I were together we lived in a variety of places. You see this man had a problem with paying bills. He would rather spend the money on alcohol and cigarettes. The sad thing is I didn't catch on to this for quite awhile. He also didn't really like to work, so whenever he would get a job; he wouldn't last very long. He barely lasted past 90 days, he would have various reasons for not wanting to work...things like, "I am sick, my back hurts too bad, things like that.... He then decided to file for social security disability, which was fine, this was after having 2 back surgeries, of which I did do my best to take care of him. There were times that he would become violent for no apparent reason, and he wasn't even drinking. First he would criticize me, then he would get threatening. I had fallen so deeply in love with him that I couldn't see the "forest thru the trees" so to speak. He has me so terrified of him that I couldn't leave him.
In one place that we lived we had been living, we were playing around then all of a sudden he started beating on me, before I knew he had me on the floor and was beating on me. I had my arms over my face to keep him from beating my face. I ended up with bruises all over the underside of my arms, and very sore ribs. We did go to the ER for my ribs however he wouldn't leave the exam room because he didn't want me to tell the dr what really happened. He wasn't even drunk when he beat me. His mom saw me a couple of days after and immediately knew that he beat me, I didn't have to tell her anything.
There were many arguments during the time we were married. During the battle of getting him on SSD he forced me to testify for him, in front of a Federal Judge, explaining what he could and couldn't do. In reality the man could work if he really wanted to, he just didn't really want to. Anyway, during the next several months, into years, he began to reveal just the type of man he really was.
He had gotten so controlling that after having our child, he wouldn't 't allow me to disciple him, in anyway, shape, or form. Also, he wouldn't allow me to go anywhere without him. He did all of the driving, to the point that my drivers license eventually expired and I didn't even realize it, til after we were divorced.......
In one place that we lived we had been living, we were playing around then all of a sudden he started beating on me, before I knew he had me on the floor and was beating on me. I had my arms over my face to keep him from beating my face. I ended up with bruises all over the underside of my arms, and very sore ribs. We did go to the ER for my ribs however he wouldn't leave the exam room because he didn't want me to tell the dr what really happened. He wasn't even drunk when he beat me. His mom saw me a couple of days after and immediately knew that he beat me, I didn't have to tell her anything.
There were many arguments during the time we were married. During the battle of getting him on SSD he forced me to testify for him, in front of a Federal Judge, explaining what he could and couldn't do. In reality the man could work if he really wanted to, he just didn't really want to. Anyway, during the next several months, into years, he began to reveal just the type of man he really was.
He had gotten so controlling that after having our child, he wouldn't 't allow me to disciple him, in anyway, shape, or form. Also, he wouldn't allow me to go anywhere without him. He did all of the driving, to the point that my drivers license eventually expired and I didn't even realize it, til after we were divorced.......
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Story (true)
5/9/17 -- I haven't yet told you all about how I met my ex-husband (my son's dad)and the things that happened during our marriage, short as it was.
I was 19, when I met him. I knew him and his family, from going to the same church, when I was younger. Anyway, I was walking up the the street, after visiting my parents. I come to the corner and their goes a Camaro with a man that seemed familiar to me, only he had curly hair. He actually stops the car, when he sees me, and offers me a ride to wherever I was going. There was something about him that attracted me to him. I don't remember all the details, just so you know.
I will make this somewhat short.
After awhile we "dated" then we ended up living together. I never knew just controlling he was, til I was pretty much deep in the relationship, then married. I didn't listen to his mom, my mom, my pastor, or anyone for that matter, about the kind of man he really was. The living together was when I found out, little by little, just what kind of man he was. I loved him, I was in love with him and nothing anyone said to me was going to change that. I thought that I could change him, but instead he covered me in a shroud of lies, I believed everything he told me for a very long time. It wasn't long before he had me pretty much separated from my family. We got married at the courthouse and we went back to the apartment we were renting. It wasn't long before I got pregnant with our only child, a boy.
When I got pregnant he never touched me again. This man told me stories that he has seen a man, before meeting me. He was "good" friends with a man that he supposedly would "talk" to. He would leave for hours and never really tell me where he was going.
to be continued.....
I was 19, when I met him. I knew him and his family, from going to the same church, when I was younger. Anyway, I was walking up the the street, after visiting my parents. I come to the corner and their goes a Camaro with a man that seemed familiar to me, only he had curly hair. He actually stops the car, when he sees me, and offers me a ride to wherever I was going. There was something about him that attracted me to him. I don't remember all the details, just so you know.
I will make this somewhat short.
After awhile we "dated" then we ended up living together. I never knew just controlling he was, til I was pretty much deep in the relationship, then married. I didn't listen to his mom, my mom, my pastor, or anyone for that matter, about the kind of man he really was. The living together was when I found out, little by little, just what kind of man he was. I loved him, I was in love with him and nothing anyone said to me was going to change that. I thought that I could change him, but instead he covered me in a shroud of lies, I believed everything he told me for a very long time. It wasn't long before he had me pretty much separated from my family. We got married at the courthouse and we went back to the apartment we were renting. It wasn't long before I got pregnant with our only child, a boy.
When I got pregnant he never touched me again. This man told me stories that he has seen a man, before meeting me. He was "good" friends with a man that he supposedly would "talk" to. He would leave for hours and never really tell me where he was going.
to be continued.....
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Some Place New
5/7/17 -- I went to a different church, today. I had gone there during a simulcast, with a bunch of other ladies, last weekend. I liked what felt when I went to that church so I decided that I wanted to see what I would be like on a Sunday.
I drove a half an hour, to this church. I got there about a half an hour before the church was to actually start, not the plan, but I was greeted very well. I was very well received and ended up sitting at a table with some older women til the service started. Then a man came up and gave me a gift bag. It had info about the church, in it. I find myself thinking, "I hope he is single," on the way home from church. This man has something that I really like, a personality that is attractive, to me. As I was leaving, I turned around and and saw him at the greeting desk, he was smiling and waved at me. That just made me feel good. It was sort of hard to go to this church on my own, but I did it because I felt like I had to. I do plan on going back there next week; not because of the man but because I like what I experienced, today.
I sure do not know what God has in mind for me, but I am doing my best to follow Him.
Working On It
5/7/17 -- Today, I finished putting together my lunches for the week along with snacks. I made egg salad with fresh from the farm chicken eggs and real good mayo with no soy products in it. I picked some radicchio and am using that to be a wrap for my egg salad. I also put celery and pickles in it. I put together a salad to go with it with some of the meat that I had left over from last week. I cooked some, as good a quality boneless ribs, that I could get, with good seasoning, low and slow in the oven. Those boneless ribs came out so tender, but they are for suppers, after work. Doing my level best to stay on this whole30 plan.
I put the chocolate and peanut butter stuff in the freezer so that I won't be tempted to eat any of it. My snacks consist of nuts and dried fruit portioned into snack size ziplock. I also have bananas, apples and some little citrus fruit. (can't remember the name of them)
Yesterday, after visiting my mom, I came home and put together my breakfast for the week, too. I had picked up some ground pork, seasoned and browned it off, added scrambled eggs, which by the way were duck eggs, that I picked up from a farm west of the town that I live in. I also baked a couple baking potatoes and sweet potatoes, partially. I diced them up this afternoon, as well, going to be using them as my hash to go with my scrambled eggs and sausage.
I gotta tell you, as I was walking thru the grocery store, yesterday, late afternoon, I can't even begin to explain how tempted I was to buy potato chips and dip. It was then that I completely realized that I have become an emotional eater. After the news that I had received concerning my dad, I was very tempted to satisfy that need, but I didn't, it was tough but I resisted the temptation. I felt good that I was able to get out of that grocery store without buying any salty chips or dip.
I imagine that there are other things that I will find out about myself as this month goes on.
I put the chocolate and peanut butter stuff in the freezer so that I won't be tempted to eat any of it. My snacks consist of nuts and dried fruit portioned into snack size ziplock. I also have bananas, apples and some little citrus fruit. (can't remember the name of them)
Yesterday, after visiting my mom, I came home and put together my breakfast for the week, too. I had picked up some ground pork, seasoned and browned it off, added scrambled eggs, which by the way were duck eggs, that I picked up from a farm west of the town that I live in. I also baked a couple baking potatoes and sweet potatoes, partially. I diced them up this afternoon, as well, going to be using them as my hash to go with my scrambled eggs and sausage.
I gotta tell you, as I was walking thru the grocery store, yesterday, late afternoon, I can't even begin to explain how tempted I was to buy potato chips and dip. It was then that I completely realized that I have become an emotional eater. After the news that I had received concerning my dad, I was very tempted to satisfy that need, but I didn't, it was tough but I resisted the temptation. I felt good that I was able to get out of that grocery store without buying any salty chips or dip.
I imagine that there are other things that I will find out about myself as this month goes on.
Saturday, May 6, 2017
My Feelings about Dad
5/6/17 -- The emotions that I have concerning my dad are so mixed, it's unreal. Growing up he was a tough man to love, he was mean, non-social with us as a family, or as his daughter. He didn't express is love for us very well, at all. Yes, He loved us, but you couldn't feel it in the hugs that he gave you.
The only way I could spend any time with him was to go and be where he was. However, there were times when he did show a spark of affection but not in the way that one would expect. He has taken me fishing, just me, 2x and there were a couple of times when we would be coming back from large hospital (visiting our mom and little sister) and he would stop by a Dairy Queen and get Peanut Buster parfaits. He helped me out with letting me borrowing his car, and even getting it repaired so I could drive it and not get a ticket. I had to repay him a portion of it but he helped nonetheless.
The there were times that he was just flat out mean. He would argue with mom, get violent with her and such. He has chased after me after hearing me scream as he and mom were arguing. He chased me up the stairs and thru my room, but he couldn't catch me cause he couldn't crawl thru my room fast enough. So, you see how I can feel many different things concerning my dad?
Over the years I have been able to reconcile my feelings towards my dad, with the idea that he didn't know any better, he didn't get the same kind of affection from his family so he couldn't give it. Also, he wasn't walking with God so another reason why he didn't know any better. My problem then became trying to break thru that hard outer shell of his and get to the soft mushy stuff that I knew he was capable of feeling. I definitely didn't know how to do that. I wanted to but just didn't know how. Then there were times that I would see him alone and ask him questions that he would answer with no problems. The trick was that mom wasn't around. Yet, I was a "chicken" too scared to try to talk to him by inviting him to lunch or something, getting him alone.
Now that I am confronted with the prospective death of my dad, I don't quite know how to handle it. It is beyond difficult to see him in the nursing home, to see him in the condition that he is in; then to consider him getting worse, then to have to bury him. I am not going there, right now, tho. Grappling with his condition and seeing him like he is just one step at a time. He needs help getting in and out of bed, has urinary incontinence problems, needs help to eat and make sure that he doesn't choke.
Yet, there is consolation that God is still in control, He knows exactly what is going on and what each and every one of us, My sisters, my mom, and myself, needs and when we will need it. The only thing that we can do is pray and trust that God will give us what we need.
The only way I could spend any time with him was to go and be where he was. However, there were times when he did show a spark of affection but not in the way that one would expect. He has taken me fishing, just me, 2x and there were a couple of times when we would be coming back from large hospital (visiting our mom and little sister) and he would stop by a Dairy Queen and get Peanut Buster parfaits. He helped me out with letting me borrowing his car, and even getting it repaired so I could drive it and not get a ticket. I had to repay him a portion of it but he helped nonetheless.
The there were times that he was just flat out mean. He would argue with mom, get violent with her and such. He has chased after me after hearing me scream as he and mom were arguing. He chased me up the stairs and thru my room, but he couldn't catch me cause he couldn't crawl thru my room fast enough. So, you see how I can feel many different things concerning my dad?
Over the years I have been able to reconcile my feelings towards my dad, with the idea that he didn't know any better, he didn't get the same kind of affection from his family so he couldn't give it. Also, he wasn't walking with God so another reason why he didn't know any better. My problem then became trying to break thru that hard outer shell of his and get to the soft mushy stuff that I knew he was capable of feeling. I definitely didn't know how to do that. I wanted to but just didn't know how. Then there were times that I would see him alone and ask him questions that he would answer with no problems. The trick was that mom wasn't around. Yet, I was a "chicken" too scared to try to talk to him by inviting him to lunch or something, getting him alone.
Now that I am confronted with the prospective death of my dad, I don't quite know how to handle it. It is beyond difficult to see him in the nursing home, to see him in the condition that he is in; then to consider him getting worse, then to have to bury him. I am not going there, right now, tho. Grappling with his condition and seeing him like he is just one step at a time. He needs help getting in and out of bed, has urinary incontinence problems, needs help to eat and make sure that he doesn't choke.
Yet, there is consolation that God is still in control, He knows exactly what is going on and what each and every one of us, My sisters, my mom, and myself, needs and when we will need it. The only thing that we can do is pray and trust that God will give us what we need.
Friday, May 5, 2017
A Great Quote
"The Jesus we serve is powerful!
There is no force strong enough to resist
His power. NO sickness, financial turmoils,
Relationship problems, political force --
Absolutely Nothing has enough power to
Resist the supernatural power of Jesus Christ!"
"When the great "I AM" opens His mouth and speaks,
Every power that attempts to defy Him or His
Word is pushed backwards and shaken until it staggers,
Stumbles, and falls to the ground!"
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Not So Good News
5/4/17 -- So today was an interesting day.
I put in 3 hours at work then was picked up by my sister as our mom and I were on the way to the second opinion on our dad's health issues.
This neurologist, after much questions from the doctor and her final examination of dad her diagnosis. The diagnosis isn't good either; the doctor said he has Progressive Supranuclearpalsy and it's a degenerative disease. According to the paperwork that the doctor gave us, at the end of the visit, says that death comes 10 years after onset of symptoms. Hearing that diagnosis and further description from the doctor brought tears to my mom's eyes as it did my own. I have been holding back a bunch of tears concerning my dad. You have no idea just how difficult it is for me to see my dad like he is. This was a man who I love, yet feared growing up.
According to the doctor this disease is very, very rare. According to the information that I read on the website that the doctor told us to go to, it's like 10ish people out of 100,000, so rare. There is work being done on discovering how and why it appears, there has been some discovery but nothing in the way of medications to slow down the symptoms and nothing to diagnose this early.
I put in 3 hours at work then was picked up by my sister as our mom and I were on the way to the second opinion on our dad's health issues.
This neurologist, after much questions from the doctor and her final examination of dad her diagnosis. The diagnosis isn't good either; the doctor said he has Progressive Supranuclearpalsy and it's a degenerative disease. According to the paperwork that the doctor gave us, at the end of the visit, says that death comes 10 years after onset of symptoms. Hearing that diagnosis and further description from the doctor brought tears to my mom's eyes as it did my own. I have been holding back a bunch of tears concerning my dad. You have no idea just how difficult it is for me to see my dad like he is. This was a man who I love, yet feared growing up.
According to the doctor this disease is very, very rare. According to the information that I read on the website that the doctor told us to go to, it's like 10ish people out of 100,000, so rare. There is work being done on discovering how and why it appears, there has been some discovery but nothing in the way of medications to slow down the symptoms and nothing to diagnose this early.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Whole30 beginning
5/2/17 -- Yesterday, I started the whole30 plan yesterday. I have been gradually implementing this plan into my diet in order to use up some of the stuff that I already had in my kitchen.
I have already noticed that I can't eat has much as I used to, so thankful. I want and need to shed some inches off my waist. I need to be healthier so then hopefully I can stop taking at least one of the medications that I have to take for high triglycerides.
There is one thing that I suppose I will have to be adding to this weight loss plan and that some sort of exercise. I have to admit that I don't like walking alone unless I have a destination. I suppose I will have to figure out something to put some more movement in my routine. I do get some walking in at my new job.
I work at a company that does printing and processing of return to sender mail from certain clients. I have been doing data entry and the un-stuffing of envelopes, and unfolding of the paperwork so some one else can enter it into the system. I also do some data entry of something else. The department manager likes to break things up so we don't do one thing all day long and it becomes monotonous.
I have to admit, it feels good to actually be working at this company, doing something that I do like doing. I do like being my own boss but when I am not bringing enough to barely support myself then something has to change. There is one downside and that is the carpal tunnel issues have been aggravated in my left hand and wrist. The opening of the envelopes and unfolding of the paperwork is what is aggravating the carpal tunnel that I have had since working at a retail store for 10yrs. I had carpal tunnel in both hands but I had the carpal tunnel release surgery on my right hand back in 2010 I believe, that was the worst one, at that time.
I have already noticed that I can't eat has much as I used to, so thankful. I want and need to shed some inches off my waist. I need to be healthier so then hopefully I can stop taking at least one of the medications that I have to take for high triglycerides.
There is one thing that I suppose I will have to be adding to this weight loss plan and that some sort of exercise. I have to admit that I don't like walking alone unless I have a destination. I suppose I will have to figure out something to put some more movement in my routine. I do get some walking in at my new job.
I work at a company that does printing and processing of return to sender mail from certain clients. I have been doing data entry and the un-stuffing of envelopes, and unfolding of the paperwork so some one else can enter it into the system. I also do some data entry of something else. The department manager likes to break things up so we don't do one thing all day long and it becomes monotonous.
I have to admit, it feels good to actually be working at this company, doing something that I do like doing. I do like being my own boss but when I am not bringing enough to barely support myself then something has to change. There is one downside and that is the carpal tunnel issues have been aggravated in my left hand and wrist. The opening of the envelopes and unfolding of the paperwork is what is aggravating the carpal tunnel that I have had since working at a retail store for 10yrs. I had carpal tunnel in both hands but I had the carpal tunnel release surgery on my right hand back in 2010 I believe, that was the worst one, at that time.
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