My Feelings about Dad

5/6/17 --  The emotions that I have concerning my dad are so mixed, it's unreal. Growing up he was a tough man to love, he was mean, non-social with us as a family, or as his daughter.  He didn't express is love for us very well, at all.  Yes, He loved us, but you couldn't feel it in the hugs that he gave you. 
  The only way I could spend any time with him was to go and be where he was.   However, there were times when he did show a spark of affection but not in the way that one would expect.  He has taken me fishing, just me, 2x and there were a couple of times when we would be coming back from large hospital (visiting our mom and little sister) and he would stop by a Dairy Queen and get Peanut Buster parfaits.  He helped me out with letting me borrowing his car, and even getting it repaired so I could drive it and not get a ticket.  I had to repay him a portion of it but he helped nonetheless.
  The there were times that he was just flat out mean.  He would argue with mom, get violent with her and such.  He has chased after me after hearing me scream as he and mom were arguing.  He chased me up the stairs and thru my room, but he couldn't catch me cause he couldn't crawl thru my room fast enough.  So, you see how I can feel many different things concerning my dad?
  Over the years I have been able to reconcile my feelings towards my dad, with the idea that he didn't know any better, he didn't get the same kind of affection from his family so he couldn't give it.  Also, he wasn't walking with God so another reason why he didn't know any better.  My problem then became trying to break thru that hard outer shell of his and get to the soft mushy stuff that I knew he was capable of feeling.  I definitely didn't know how to do that.  I wanted to but just didn't know how.  Then there were times that I would see him alone and ask him questions that he would answer with no problems.  The trick was that mom wasn't around.  Yet, I was a "chicken" too scared to try to talk to him by inviting him to lunch or something, getting him alone.
  Now that I am confronted with the prospective death of my dad, I don't quite know how to handle it.  It is beyond difficult to see him in the nursing home, to see him in the condition that he is in; then to consider him getting worse, then to have to bury him.  I am not going there, right now, tho.  Grappling with his condition and seeing him like he is just one step at a time.  He needs help getting in and out of bed, has urinary incontinence problems, needs help to eat and make sure that he doesn't choke.
  Yet, there is consolation that God is still in control, He knows exactly what is going on and what each and every one of us, My sisters, my mom, and myself, needs and when we will need it.  The only thing that we can do is pray and trust that God will give us what we need.