Another Round

7/22/16 -- This morning I went to the Pain Specialist and had her do another round of the "360 nerve block" which is a series of small injections of a local anesthetic all the way around my head, at specific nerve intersections, I guess.  I had this done back at the end of March and a couple of weeks ago another dizzy spell accompanied by a longer lasting headache was the indication to me that it was time to have it done again.  I went early enough that it wasn't too hot or humid, yet.  This Dr. is young and she is a beautiful Dr. too; she told me that she had the privilege of being trained by the Dr. who wrote many books on headaches.  The neurologist that I see at my local clinic told me, when I went to see him about a 3 weeks or a month ago, that I was his second patient that has had success with that 360 nerve block and mentioned the desire to be trained to do them too.  I don't know if he actually will but it would be nice, then I wouldn't have to drive an hour to have them done.  However, having to have them done every 3 or 4 months isn't too bad.  Also, it isn't too difficult to get to this clinic, I say that because I don't like driving in high traffic places unless I know exactly where I am going, is pretty simple to get to.
   I had previously wrote something about shame, in my previous blog.  The more that I look at that print out the more I think that is what I feel when I battle about going to my local church again, on Sundays.  Shame because of the stuff that has happened between my son and I after kinda bragging about how close we were when he was younger.  It seems to be rather subtle tho, at the same time I kinda feel like I have put up a wall or something because I won't let myself cry to the extent that I used to when I had sessions with my first counselor.  My current Counselor and I hit upon a sensitive spot but I wouldn't allow myself to really cry, I did have tears in my eyes but my Counselor mentioned that I was holding back and I agreed with him.  I guess maybe it may be time to allow myself to let go of all the emotion that I have been holding onto all this time.  I really haven't wanted to allow myself to breakdown and cry for a long time.  I have been tired of crying and so I haven't allowed myself to do that in a long time.
   I have been tossing around some thoughts of Culinary School.  I am very interested in learning more about cooking and baking, I know there are things that I don't know and so want to learn.  I am kinda thinking about a career change and even a complete relocation if that is what is required.  I love to bake and cook and I am in need of a huge change, I really need to do something, what I haven't figured out yet.  I do know what I like to do so maybe it's time to look into changing things up.  The only visible obstacle is money, that is something that I don't have much of, but maybe there are scholarships or something.  I checked out the Culinary Institute of America and they have something called Boot Camp that looks interesting and even fun.  I am not a beginner but I know there are things that I can still learn, that I want to learn.

Shame

7/18/16 -- In my session with my Counselor, today, he brought up something that I just couldn't get my mind around. He said the word judgement as one of the possible reasons that I have aversions to crowds.  Honestly, as I have been thinking about it, that just doesn't seem to fit.  I then have a email concerning another online bible study and this one has to do with "shame".  As I have looked up the definition to that word in the webster dictionary - "a feeling of guilt, regret, or sadness because you know you have done something wrong."  also "a painful emotion caused my consciousness of guilt, shortcoming , or impropriety."  
  Anyway as I read the email and the premise of the study, I began to wonder if shame is a better way to describe how I am feeling, then I just looked at another way to define shame.
Basically, shame is "feeling bad about ourselves" because of something that we did, that we know that we should have done.  Or that somehow we think that we don't measure up, blaming ourselves for making mistakes, believing that you are a bad person... i am sure there are many other ways to describe it.
  I believe that "shame" is a much better way to describe how I feel.  I am ashamed that I things fell apart between my son and I.  I am ashamed that I didn't or wasn't the woman that my now ex-husband wanted or maybe it was a man that he really wanted - he just wanted me for the child I could give him........

One of Those Days

7/16/16 -- The last couple of days-today included-where I just want to hop in my car, with all the cash I have and my cats and just drive.  I don't even care where I go, I just want to drive til the money runs out, I guess.  This is a "low" time right now, I guess I have too many things on my mind and I haven't been very successful in leaving everything in God's hands.  That means that I am trusting him as much as I know that I should be.  I am not all that fond, right now, of being the only person bringing in the money because what I am earning, at this point, just isn't enough to support my self like I want. I am not talking comfortably either, at this point I am less than getting by.  This one of those times when I wonder why everything has to cost money?  Even when I try to get off cheap grocery shopping, it really isn't as cheap as I want or wish it would have been.
  I recently received some items in the mail from a long time, online friend, who is seriously battling lung cancer that has spread to her brain.  What I received were some pictures that she colored, plus some personal items that she wanted me to have because she will most likely die, and I am the only person that has cared about her and has been a friend to her for the last two years.  The friendship has been the strange relationship because her and I have never really met, in person.  One night as I lay praying for her, some thoughts occurred to me--God is much the same way; we can't actually see him or literally hear, normally.  So consequently  we are believing him, by faith.  I have actually been talking to her via Facebook messenger, for 2 years.  There were times when I wondered if this person was actually real, then I realize the I have never been asked for money, so for me that says she is real.  What made it real was when I received some things from her after my sending her a stuffed animal, that I have had since I left my job in my hometown.  She send some very encouraging things to me.  So, anyway God really showed me that as I have been believing that she is real, I have to have faith that God is real and that He does know what he is doing, OH and He ultimately is in charge.

Is It Possible........

7/13/16 -- I absolutely  love children but I will tell you that today the 3 boys that I take care really put that to the test.  Throughout the course of the day, I found myself thinking, "is it possible for me to be tired of children?  At the very least, these particular boys?  My schedule with the family has been reduced to 5hrs a day for 4 days a week that also includes loosing a huge chunk of pay.  After today, on the one hand that stinks however I am glad to the have day off tomorrow, and work Friday.  Those boys really put the patience to the test.  I swear, I felt like I was saying "no" all day long.  When I get to wear I am loosing my patience with them, and comparing them to a family who has twin girls plus 2 boys younger then the twins, and thinking that I didn't have that many problems with the twins - I gotta be at a point where I need a break.  I can most definitely tell that what I am doing with them, rules wise, doesn't really get carried thru after I leave.  Heck I can tell the moment I walk in the door.  She really doesn't do much to maintain any sense of rule or discipline with all of the boys, neither does their dad. 
  At the same time I am feeling somewhat detached from them, emotionally.  I am not quite sure why, but I find it strange, that I can sense that I am not at all as involved with them as I am of other families that I watch their children.  I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, it certainly doesn't make sense to me.  As much as I do care, there is a part of me that seems to not, you know only looking at this as a job.  I guess maybe because I don't feel like I have really gotten anywhere with her or the boys because neither one of the adults are  trying to keep the rules going after I have left. For me that is extremely frustrating and to be honest it's a let down.  Maybe that is why I have taken a step back from them, in a sense, anyway.
   I also have been thinking about some stuff, but not too intently because I just don't really want to.  Have you ever wished that you weren't responsible for the income, paying of the bills?  Well, I gotta say, I am there.... I am sick and tired of thinking about money!  Yet, money is the way the worlds goes around.  Money is how bills are paid, and rent is paid.  I really just don't know what to do, any more.  This is the point where my faith is really tested because somehow I need to continue to pay the bill and I am hoping that my rent will be reduced after my recertification is done.  I let them apt manager know that I changed jobs plus was getting a reduction in pay.  I am really hoping that my rent will go down pretty significantly at least for a while.  In the mean time I am not sure whether I should look for another job or not.  I really despise this crap!!  I am at a point right now that I am hating having to be responsible and being the only bread winner, and not making enough to get by or even better that just getting by.  I like taking care of children and I take do the jobs that I used to do because of my left ankle which kinda sucks, but kinda doesn't because at least I don't have to give up my weekends to work.  I do work an occasionally Saturday once a month but that really isn't any big deal.

Catching a Break.....NOT!!!!

7/7/16 --  Boy I tell you I have about had it with surprises like this!!! I was informed, just before leaving work, that I will reduced to working only 20 hrs a week which means a big reduction in pay, every week.  Needless to say, I really don't know what or how to think right now!  I really am tired of these types of curve balls, in my life.  I realize that Christ never said it would be easy, but really.........this is getting to be ridiculous.  I just want or would like some measure of stability for a little while.  Anyway, I am just going to leave it at that for now because I just don't know what to think or say.
  I must admit there are a ton of times that I am sick and tired of being the "sole bread winner", it just sucks!  Yet, I have no one else, as much as, I want someone else I don't have anyone else.  I so much want to get remarried, to someone who I can make very happy and well loved, oh and not to mention well fed.  Ha, ha -- I love to cook and bake so making a man very happy and loved thru his stomach will be a piece of cake, pun intended.
  These are the times that loneliness really can creep in, I think.  I really don't want to go there because............I just don't want to.  That's not to say that I won't because I have over week before I can see my counselor again to help me work this out.  I really hope and pray that I can get work thru this before I actually see my counselor.  I guess there is one good thing, I have an appt. in Madison, on the 22nd at 8:30am and I won't have to worry about getting work because I won't have to be working on Fridays, that seriously sucks.
Who am I, again?

Being Stupid

7/5/16 -- I said something yesterday that I shouldn't have said in the context in which it was said.  I had to work yesterday while the couple left, then ended taking one of their boys, the middle one, to be specific.  Here's the thing - she and her "husband" we had thought she had left; her "father in-law" and I were both there, in the kitchen, when he started talking more like complaining then I pretty much fell into the "trap" of saying something that I shouldn't have said because I hadn't said to her face, yet.  She overheard what we/I had said or at least part of it.  That is when she came back in the front door to gather stuff up for taking one of the boys, the one that had been crying when they left.
She then made a comment about hearing what we said.  She headed upstairs; I then decided to catch her on her way back downstairs and apologize and admit that I was wrong in saying what I said cause I hadn't said it to her face.  What I said was true but I hadn't actually said it out loud to anyone let alone her, til yesterday.
   I left at one pm because the arrangement was that I would leave at 1pm then her father in-law would take over.  The arrangement was sprung on him just yesterday morning.  I just shouldn't have fallen into his complaining and made any comments at all.  After that incident, her coming back in, I stopped making any comments that could be misinterpreted and to be honest I got sick and tired of listening to him complain.

Still Working Things Out....

7/2/16 -- This past weekend was a time of pulling away, but using a headache a the out for a wedding I had planned on attending.  Then the next day, I just wasn't feeling my "normal or what has become my new normal" at any rate I wasn't feeling right.  So, I didn't attend church or a picnic that was afterwards, in a different location.  
   Thankfully, I had a session with my Counselor, on Monday morning, first thing.  As soon as, we got into his office and sat down I went into what had happened over the weekend. He actually put the dream, I had told him 2 weeks prior, and the ultimate reason that I didn't attend those activities together, something that I hadn't even thought of.  He also recognized that my not going to church was pretty significant, because he understands out important my faith is to me.  You see, a very large part of the reason that I didn't attend those activities is because I started fearing the size of the crowd that I new would be there. (mind you it was going to be a huge crowd, like concert size or anything)  My counselor, then asked "why" I was afraid to which I told him that I feel like I am "lost" in the crowd-sometimes even invisible.  The biggest thing is that I feel lost - I don't attend concerts or even a community picnic because of the size of the crowd.  I don't like the "lost" feeling so that is why I don't attend those types of things.  I feel like it is getting worse because I have a fear of small crowds, that so isn't a good thing.
  During the course of our conversation something came out that I struck me deeply, that cord was sooooo deep that I hadn't even thought about it in years, at least.  So, deeply that I started crying - started but not an all out tear fest.  However, having struck that deep, deep cord actually effected the rest of my day.  The word "lonely" came out of my Counselor's mouth and that is what started the tears, then as the conversation moved on that word even came out of my mouth, which means that "cord" was struck again but harder.  I didn't and still don't quite know what to do with it.  Yes, it was effecting the rest of my day, which wasn't particularly pleasant since I have to deal with children, little ones.  So, during their nap time I took the opportunity to shoot my Counselor and email via the my chart.  I expressed my concern and I was hoping to get some sort of a response, like an email back. Well, I did make it thru the day and made it home:  as I was preparing my dinner there was a call coming from the clinic.  I was surprised to hear that it was my counselor.  He called to see how I was doing, and I told him "somewhat better now that I was home".  He wanted me to give him detail, so I did.  He told me that what I was dealing with or feeling was "normal" because what came out during our session what a pretty tough thing, to admit.  When I told him that I didn't know which "direction" to go he said not to be concerned with that, just let what we discussed "settle" in.  I was ok with that because that really put my mind at ease.
  One other thing that came out is I have no idea "who I am" outside of being my son's mom.  I am no longer that in the same capacity, not to mention, being kicked out of his life.  What goes along with being kicked out of his life? Not being able to fulfill being a grandma.  I have my identity in being a mom-don't know who I am beyond that.  One great friend said that I should look at what I like to do, not who I am that involves people.