7/13/16 -- I absolutely love children but I will tell you that today the 3 boys that I take care really put that to the test. Throughout the course of the day, I found myself thinking, "is it possible for me to be tired of children? At the very least, these particular boys? My schedule with the family has been reduced to 5hrs a day for 4 days a week that also includes loosing a huge chunk of pay. After today, on the one hand that stinks however I am glad to the have day off tomorrow, and work Friday. Those boys really put the patience to the test. I swear, I felt like I was saying "no" all day long. When I get to wear I am loosing my patience with them, and comparing them to a family who has twin girls plus 2 boys younger then the twins, and thinking that I didn't have that many problems with the twins - I gotta be at a point where I need a break. I can most definitely tell that what I am doing with them, rules wise, doesn't really get carried thru after I leave. Heck I can tell the moment I walk in the door. She really doesn't do much to maintain any sense of rule or discipline with all of the boys, neither does their dad.
At the same time I am feeling somewhat detached from them, emotionally. I am not quite sure why, but I find it strange, that I can sense that I am not at all as involved with them as I am of other families that I watch their children. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, it certainly doesn't make sense to me. As much as I do care, there is a part of me that seems to not, you know only looking at this as a job. I guess maybe because I don't feel like I have really gotten anywhere with her or the boys because neither one of the adults are trying to keep the rules going after I have left. For me that is extremely frustrating and to be honest it's a let down. Maybe that is why I have taken a step back from them, in a sense, anyway.
I also have been thinking about some stuff, but not too intently because I just don't really want to. Have you ever wished that you weren't responsible for the income, paying of the bills? Well, I gotta say, I am there.... I am sick and tired of thinking about money! Yet, money is the way the worlds goes around. Money is how bills are paid, and rent is paid. I really just don't know what to do, any more. This is the point where my faith is really tested because somehow I need to continue to pay the bill and I am hoping that my rent will be reduced after my recertification is done. I let them apt manager know that I changed jobs plus was getting a reduction in pay. I am really hoping that my rent will go down pretty significantly at least for a while. In the mean time I am not sure whether I should look for another job or not. I really despise this crap!! I am at a point right now that I am hating having to be responsible and being the only bread winner, and not making enough to get by or even better that just getting by. I like taking care of children and I take do the jobs that I used to do because of my left ankle which kinda sucks, but kinda doesn't because at least I don't have to give up my weekends to work. I do work an occasionally Saturday once a month but that really isn't any big deal.
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