7/2/16 -- This past weekend was a time of pulling away, but using a headache a the out for a wedding I had planned on attending. Then the next day, I just wasn't feeling my "normal or what has become my new normal" at any rate I wasn't feeling right. So, I didn't attend church or a picnic that was afterwards, in a different location.
Thankfully, I had a session with my Counselor, on Monday morning, first thing. As soon as, we got into his office and sat down I went into what had happened over the weekend. He actually put the dream, I had told him 2 weeks prior, and the ultimate reason that I didn't attend those activities together, something that I hadn't even thought of. He also recognized that my not going to church was pretty significant, because he understands out important my faith is to me. You see, a very large part of the reason that I didn't attend those activities is because I started fearing the size of the crowd that I new would be there. (mind you it was going to be a huge crowd, like concert size or anything) My counselor, then asked "why" I was afraid to which I told him that I feel like I am "lost" in the crowd-sometimes even invisible. The biggest thing is that I feel lost - I don't attend concerts or even a community picnic because of the size of the crowd. I don't like the "lost" feeling so that is why I don't attend those types of things. I feel like it is getting worse because I have a fear of small crowds, that so isn't a good thing.
During the course of our conversation something came out that I struck me deeply, that cord was sooooo deep that I hadn't even thought about it in years, at least. So, deeply that I started crying - started but not an all out tear fest. However, having struck that deep, deep cord actually effected the rest of my day. The word "lonely" came out of my Counselor's mouth and that is what started the tears, then as the conversation moved on that word even came out of my mouth, which means that "cord" was struck again but harder. I didn't and still don't quite know what to do with it. Yes, it was effecting the rest of my day, which wasn't particularly pleasant since I have to deal with children, little ones. So, during their nap time I took the opportunity to shoot my Counselor and email via the my chart. I expressed my concern and I was hoping to get some sort of a response, like an email back. Well, I did make it thru the day and made it home: as I was preparing my dinner there was a call coming from the clinic. I was surprised to hear that it was my counselor. He called to see how I was doing, and I told him "somewhat better now that I was home". He wanted me to give him detail, so I did. He told me that what I was dealing with or feeling was "normal" because what came out during our session what a pretty tough thing, to admit. When I told him that I didn't know which "direction" to go he said not to be concerned with that, just let what we discussed "settle" in. I was ok with that because that really put my mind at ease.
One other thing that came out is I have no idea "who I am" outside of being my son's mom. I am no longer that in the same capacity, not to mention, being kicked out of his life. What goes along with being kicked out of his life? Not being able to fulfill being a grandma. I have my identity in being a mom-don't know who I am beyond that. One great friend said that I should look at what I like to do, not who I am that involves people.
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