Shame

7/18/16 -- In my session with my Counselor, today, he brought up something that I just couldn't get my mind around. He said the word judgement as one of the possible reasons that I have aversions to crowds.  Honestly, as I have been thinking about it, that just doesn't seem to fit.  I then have a email concerning another online bible study and this one has to do with "shame".  As I have looked up the definition to that word in the webster dictionary - "a feeling of guilt, regret, or sadness because you know you have done something wrong."  also "a painful emotion caused my consciousness of guilt, shortcoming , or impropriety."  
  Anyway as I read the email and the premise of the study, I began to wonder if shame is a better way to describe how I am feeling, then I just looked at another way to define shame.
Basically, shame is "feeling bad about ourselves" because of something that we did, that we know that we should have done.  Or that somehow we think that we don't measure up, blaming ourselves for making mistakes, believing that you are a bad person... i am sure there are many other ways to describe it.
  I believe that "shame" is a much better way to describe how I feel.  I am ashamed that I things fell apart between my son and I.  I am ashamed that I didn't or wasn't the woman that my now ex-husband wanted or maybe it was a man that he really wanted - he just wanted me for the child I could give him........